9.

To say he was stunned was an understatement.

Just when he thought he had never seen Olivia this broken and vulnerable, she added another element to the anguish she was exuding. He had been very concerned that she would wall herself up again too quickly after her ordeal. She never let anyone truly see her and he knew she wouldn't want anyone to see her pain. She would want to carry it all by herself. He knew, because he was the same way and he had recognized himself in the way Olivia carried herself from the beginning of their partnership.

But instead of rebuilding her defensive walls as quickly as she could, it seemed she was pouring herself out now. Now that she was allowing herself to cry, the dam had broken and there was no way back. And her desperate cry cut him to the core.

I want to live.

He knew it meant more than just staying alive physically. He could feel it. Something had triggered her - Lewis had triggered her - and this was what it boiled down to. She wanted to live. Truly live. And she deserved it, so much. He held her close to him, allowing a few tears of his own to spill into her hair. If anyone deserved the world, it was Olivia. She had been denied so much, and in turn had denied herself too much. She felt like she didn't deserve anything because she was only here because a crime was committed. And no matter how many others she had tried to convince over the years that what happened to them wasn't their fault, she still carried all that guilt on her own shoulders; guilt over something that wasn't her fault either.

Olivia's sniffling finally subsided, probably from pure exhaustion, and Elliot lifted his head to look at her. Her face was white as a sheet except for the bruises and the gash on her forehead, and her eyes were puffy and red. She could barely keep them open. She started stammering an apology but he silenced her immediately, shaking his head.

"Don't apologize, Liv. Never apologize. It's okay."

She bit her lip and retracted her arms from around him, dropping them in her lap, but she didn't move away from him and didn't seem to mind that his hand was still resting lightly on her hip. He used the hand that had been cradling her head to cover her hands and she looked at their joined hands. She was finally breathing somewhat normally again and Elliot wanted to ask her about her dream. He killed her, she'd said.

"You wanna tell me what happened?" he asked her after a brief silence.

Olivia shook her head, still looking down at her hands.

"It wasn't real," she whispered. "It was just a dream."

"Okay."

He didn't want to push her but he wasn't sure what he could say to stop her from closing up again. And then she spoke again.

"I was just a little girl in the dream."

Elliot closed his eyes for a moment. He'd often wondered about Olivia's life when she was just a child. She had only ever told him bits and pieces about it but he knew only too well what it was like to grow up with a frustrated, violent parent. He had hardened himself, vowing never to become his father and Olivia had hardened herself by becoming a fighter for little girls like herself and women like her mother. But she must have been a vulnerable child once. Could Lewis really have gone there? Could he really have gotten to the very core of her issues in a matter of hours? No wonder she had said he'd pushed all of her buttons.

"Tell me," he said softly when Olivia didn't continue.

She sighed and pulled one of her hands from underneath his to swipe away a stray tear.

"I couldn't save her."

"In the dream?"

"Yes."

"But in reality, you did save her."

She lifted her eyes to meet his then and she looked so sad when she asked him,

"Did I? Or did I just hide her away?"

...

Elliot tilted his head and looked at her, studying her, and she wanted to look away. But something in his eyes made her want to know what he'd say; maybe even what he'd see if she let him. He was probing her - actually trying to find an answer to her question.
The despair had subsided for the moment and she was so, so tired. But her cry, wanting to live, still reverberated in her mind. Because had she truly been living until now? Or had she just been surviving? Coping, by helping others? Playing the part of the strong, empathic Detective instead of healing from the inside out? She always recommended to others that they get counseling to get back on their feet after a traumatic experience but when had she actually allowed anyone to touch upon her own trauma? Sure, she had gone into therapy after her undercover stint at Sealview when the flashbacks and PTSD began to interfere with her job, but once she felt she could handle it again, she had stopped going.

"You don't have to hide anymore, Olivia. You don't have to be alone anymore."

Elliot's words would have made her roll her eyes on any other day. It was easy for him to say something like that. He had a big family to go home to at night. But she had been through the wringer tonight, feeling defeated, and right now, these were the words she needed to hear.
For as long as she'd known him, Elliot had been a loyal friend and partner and as much as it scared her to admit it, she needed that right now. She needed someone to lean on, and that someone could only be him. He was still the longest relationship she'd ever had with anyone, not counting the dysfunctional on-and-off relationship she'd had with her mother. He was her beacon in this dark night. Maybe he had always been her beacon.

"Thank you, Elliot," she said simply, and then she found herself yawning unexpectedly.

Elliot asked her if she wanted to lie back down.

"I don't wanna dream again," she admitted.

She saw Elliot hesitate and look away before he told her,

"I'll be right here."

She nodded, appreciating his presence more than she had expected. She suddenly noticed the blanket on the floor and asked him,

"Why were you on the floor?"

Elliot chewed on his lower lip for a second and then told her he hadn't thought it was appropriate to share the bed with her, but she shook her head.

"That's alright. You can't sleep on the floor, Elliot. Just lie down next to me and talk to me some more."

When he seemed a little shocked at her suggestion she couldn't suppress a small smile.

"You said you weren't going anywhere and you do have to sleep. And I trust you, El."

He was the only man she'd ever trusted without reserve. He would never cross a line with her. If he were that kind of a man, he would have crossed the line years ago. He was a man of honor, the complete opposite of his father. He had managed to get away from his past even if he'd inherited his father's temper. He had never used his anger to hurt his wife or children.
As they moved around to get comfortable, Elliot now joining her but refusing to get under the covers with her, her thoughts returned to the lonely little girl in her dream. She had worked hard to make a life for herself, too, but Elliot's words had struck a chord. She was still alone. And that's what Lewis had latched on to. She had no idea how the psychopath had known but he'd gotten to her.

"I've been looking around a bit while you were napping. One robe in the bathroom, one toothbrush. You don't let them stay over, do you?"

She glared at him, unable to speak because of the duct tape over her mouth, but even if she could, she wouldn't say anything. He could go through her things but he wasn't going to get inside her head. Or was he inside her head already?

"Or maybe you go to their place, so you can leave when you're done. Screw 'em and then dump 'em, right? Before they can screw you over. So sad, really. So lonely."

Elliot cleared his throat and Olivia blinked, coming out of her tiny flashback. Elliot seemed uncomfortable. He was lying on his back rigidly, on top of the covers she was under, with just the blanket he'd been sleeping on draped over himself. She wondered if he was really that uncomfortable being in a bed next to her.

"El," she said softly, and she waited until he turned his head to look at her.

They were now side by side, both on their backs, and looking at each other.

"If you want to go home, you can go. Get some actual sleep. Kathy must be wondering where you are."

"Liv, I told you I'm here for the night. Kathy isn't expecting me."

He sounded a little exasperated and Olivia decided to drop the subject. He must have told Kathy he wouldn't be home tonight. Maybe he'd told her they would be working on the Lewis case all night. They lay in silence for a few minutes, staring up at the ceiling. Olivia was afraid to close her eyes. She didn't want to have a disturbing dream again, and each time she felt her eyes droop, the image of Lewis shooting the little girl popped back in her head. She had felt so exposed by him, by everything he'd said to her. So ashamed. But when she saw her younger self become his victim, a completely new feeling had surfaced.

She wanted that little girl to live. She wanted her to make a fulfilling life for herself and to find her purpose. There had to be more to life than just fighting to stay afloat day in and day out.

Elliot spoke up again and she tried to focus on his words.

"Oliva, what happened to your mother isn't your fault."

"I know that," she responded.

"Your conception was not your fault."

"I know that," she said again, a little softer than the first time.

"Your mother's decision to keep you was not your fault."

She remained silent, repeating the words only in her head now.

"The way you came into the world is not your fault."

"I know," she whispered, tears brimming in her eyes once again. Elliot's words fit seamlessly with her own thoughts and she felt herself crack open just a little further.

"Do you?" Elliot asked and she might have felt attacked if it hadn't been for the softness of his voice. He was getting emotional as well and for some reason, that strengthened her. It made her feel less alone in her struggle.

"Yes."

Because she did know. She knew the facts. But facts and experiences weren't the same thing.

"Then maybe it's time to let go of the guilt now."

Olivia threw an arm over her eyes. She didn't want to start crying again. She was so incredibly tired but her emotions were a jumbled mess. She was certain she wasn't going to fall asleep again but she hoped Elliot would get some rest. And once it got light again, she would send him home, where he belonged.

They had been silent for several minutes when Elliot suddenly declared,

"You know I would have beat up anyone who bothered you when you were little, don't you?"

Olivia found herself actually laughing softly, and she was grateful that Elliot was trying to lighten the mood a bit.

"Yeah, you would. You'd be in the principal's office every other day, probably," she said with a grin, turning her head to look at her nightly companion again.

"You know why, don't you?" His blue eyes found her browns in the semi-lit room. "You know what makes me mad, right?"

"Yeah. Injustice."

"Exactly. And what's been done to you was injustice. You didn't deserve any of it."

He turned on his side, facing her, and stressed, "You do know that, don't you? You never asked to be born. It's not your fault."

"You said that already."

"I need you to start believing it. To start living it. Don't buy into that crap Lewis has been feeding you. You know you've already come a long way. But there's more for you, if you want it."

Olivia turned on her side as well and she studied her partner's face. He'd been a constant in her life for so long and he was always trying to encourage her, but he was getting far more personal now that he'd ever gotten before.

"Why do you try so hard?" she asked him softly, almost whispering, and she didn't need to clarify her question. Elliot knew what she was asking him. Why was he trying so hard for her?

"It's about time someone put you first, Olivia."

She stared at him, trying to understand what he was saying. He was putting her first? But that wasn't his job. He had a family. They should come first for him.

"It's not selfish to take care of yourself," Elliot continued. "You can't just live for everyone else. That's not really living, is it?"

I wanna live.

He was right. She knew he was right. But by his own reasoning, shouldn't he be putting himself first?

...

"So what are you doing here then, El? You're supposed to put yourself first too, right? You should be at home, with your family."

Elliot was silent for a few moments, trying to find the right words to answer her question. Finally he told her,

"Being here … being here is actually putting myself first, Olivia. I want to be here. For you. Being anywhere else tonight would drive me crazy."

Olivia frowned and Elliot could tell that she was confused. He got it. How could putting her first be putting himself first? But it was. He wasn't sure how he could explain that to her, but he knew it was true. He would always be a father to his children but he was at peace with the end of his marriage at last, just like Kathy was. He was putting himself first now, maybe for the first time in his life. He had made a choice. It wasn't any sacrifice on his part to be here for Olivia now. He was exactly where he wanted to be.

He knew she would need time to heal from her ordeal, and maybe even more time to come to terms with everything that animal had stirred up in her. But he would be right there with her, if she'd let him. And from the way she had opened up to him already, he had hope she would be willing to lean on him a little for a while.

"How can being here be putting yourself first, Elliot? That doesn't make sense."

Elliot knew she'd been fighting her fatigue for a while now and she was trying to keep the conversation going to stay awake. He wanted to reach out and touch her cheek, to tell her that it was alright to go to sleep. That he'd be there. He didn't because he didn't want to touch her without permission. So instead, he hoped to convey his reassurance to her with words.

"It makes sense to me, Liv. You wanna know why? You wanna know why I try so hard for you?"

She just stared at him, waiting for him to continue. He took a deep breath and reached a decision in that moment.

"I love you, Liv."

And just like that, her eyes were wide open again, and Elliot quickly continued, now that he'd gotten the words out.

"Now I … I don't expect you to do anything with that right now, okay? You just focus on yourself for a while. I just … I wanted you to know. So you know why I'm always going to put you first."

"But …"

Elliot cut her off, knowing she would start objecting by bringing up his family again.

"We can talk about me later, Olivia. I know what I'm doing. I'm exactly where I want to be. Just go to sleep for a little while, just until it gets light out again, okay?"

He took a chance and placed his hand between their pillows, palm up.

"Trust me," he whispered.

He saw Olivia's eyes gloss over and she bit her lip. And then she moved her arm until her hand connected with his. He wrapped his fingers around hers and let out a relieved breath.

"I'll be right here," he assured her once more.

Olivia finally closed her eyes.

...

To be continued