Okay two things: 1) yes im thinking about continuing the last two chapters into a multi-chaptered fic separate from this! I think I want to continue it. I've been thinking about an alternate storyline since that episode aired. like what would've happened if Owen stayed. So i think I'm going to do that if people are interested. I know at least one is lol :)

2) i love teddy so much i could cry. like, baby girl please you deserve some joy.

That is all ok thanks. Here's another long one no one asked for.

Thinking 'Bout Love - Wild Rivers

She feels restless. She's tossing and turning on her side of the bed, his side has not been touched in months. Her mind is racing and she can't sleep. She checks the time on her phone. It's two in the morning. She checks for the time but she also checks if there are any messages. She doesn't know why she checks anyway. It's not like she'll ever get messages.

She messed up. She knows that. She messed up and she lied about it and she hates herself every second. But she did. It' happened and she can't undo it. And she doesn't know how to fix things anymore. She's tired of trying. She feels like she's done everything to get him to listen to her and he just doesn't care anymore. He's done with her. She knows he's done. There's no turning back. Of course she's hopeful that eventually he'll forgive her. But she's so tired. With everything that's happening in the world, she's so tired. She hasn't seen her kids. She hasn't had any other real human connection in months. And she feels isolated and lonely and disgusting.

Most days she thinks this is definitely, one hundred percent what she deserves. She hurt him. It's her fault of course. But she misses him. She misses him. And most days she wonders why she can't make a mistake. Everyone messes up. Everyone's a little broken. Why doesn't she deserve to be heard? Why doesn't she deserve to have anyone on her side?

She gets out of bed and moves her pity party to the kitchen where she pours herself a glass wine and picks on her leftover Chinese food. She already feels like shit might as well also eat like shit. She checks her phone again. Still no messages. She doesn't know why she keeps checking.

She plays some music and sits on the kitchen counter. She looks around their house. It's so much bigger than she realizes, without Owen. Without the kids. She misses seeing Allison crawling around and Leo running around. She doesn't even get to see her kids. She misses the sounds of the kids laughing. She even misses the shrieking and the tantrums that usually drives her nuts. But she misses Owen. Most days she pick up her phone wanting to hear his voice for comfort. Nine out of ten times he declines the call almost immediately. One out ten he lets it ring until it goes to voicemail. She's tired of trying. She doesn't know what to do anymore.

And she sits in her home alone. And she just makes the music louder and she drinks her wine and she just hopes she gets some sleep after crying her eyes out. She can't remember the last time she cried this much. She's tired. She's so tired.

She picks up her phone and stares at her messages with Owen. It's mostly just her asking if they could talk. He hasn't replied to one message.

She starts typing. It's two in the morning and she doesn't care and she's feeling a lot so she's typing. Hi, can we please talk. I miss you. … She doesn't send it, she deletes the message. He clearly doesn't want to speak to her or want to be with her so why keep trying.

Keep trying because you love him, she argues with herself. A song called Thinking 'Bout Love plays on shuffle. She wipes her tears as she listens to every line written. The melody cuts through the silence. She chuckles bitterly. Nice timing, she thinks. It's almost as if it's mocking her.

She sends him a song instead.

She stares at the message as the song sends.

Sent. Delivered. Read. All within a minute. And then it says he's typing and she gets excited. But it stops.

She thinks maybe he's clicking on the link to listen to the song. So she waits and she keeps staring. He doesn't start typing again. So she just plays the song on repeat. Over and over and she puts her phone away. And she keeps drinking her wine and eventually she goes to bed. She checks her phone when she wakes up because she's hopeful. Maybe he cares, still. But he doesn't.

So now besides kicking herself for cheating on him, she kicks herself for thinking about him, she kicks herself for sending him a song at two in the morning. She's definitely kicking herself for being hopeful that he's going to respond. Now she's really hating herself because the likelihood of her running into him today is very high. And she doesn't know if she can handle a cold stare or an even colder shoulder.

So she hops in the shower and she gets ready and she drives to work in a catatonic state. Really fucking stupid of her to send him the song. But she also can't stop listening to it. So she plays it on her drive to work. Over and over and over.

It's kinda like a light went off

And now you're deadset on giving me up

Talking like we're so far gone and

There ain't no use stitching it up

Eyes on the road. Don't cry. It's fine. Change the song. But she can't bring herself to change the song.

She makes it to work in one piece. She sits in the car a little longer. She's still early. And she doesn't want to go inside because she doesn't feel welcome. Because she feels even lonelier being surrounded by everyone who looks at her funny. Or ignoring her blatantly. She knows what she did. She knows she deserved this.

Her phone rings and she's hopeful for a second. Hopeful that it's Owen. But it's the next best thing. It's Owen's mom trying to FaceTime so she can say hi to the kids. She doesn't know what Evelyn Hunt knows, but she treats her with kindness when they talk. She passes the phone to Leo who excitedly tells her what's for breakfast. "Allison had some bananas" Evelyn reports in the background while Leo plays with the phone. This makes Teddy happy because her little girl just refused to eat the fruit for some weird reason,. "She didn't even fight the banana today so that's good". She tries not to cry because she misses her babies. And she's missing out on the milestones. "I had oatmeal, mama" Leo exclaims again. She doesn't remember when he started calling her that but she tries so hard to swallow the lump on her throat. Eventually they get interrupted when Evelyn gets another call. It's Owen, no doubt. So Teddy just politely just says "I have to go. Thanks again for taking care of the kids." She just nods and pleasantly says goodbye. She blinks away the tears she's been holding back. God, this is so exhausting.

We could do the long haul

We could ride it out

I know the ride's rough, but try us

You're just thinking 'bout

I'm just thinking 'bout

I'm just thinking 'bout love

She begrudgingly gets out of her car and goes into work. Put on her fake smile. Pretend she's fine, not that anyone would care. She could have a full blown breakdown in the middle of the hospital and people would not even care. But they'd whisper about it and they're probably thinking well what does she expect?

There are much bigger problems in the world for people in this hospital to care about the adulteress bitch who broke Owen Hunt's heart. It's fine. She'll keep going. She changes into her scrubs. Puts on her PPE. Goes on about her day.

She tries to avoid his eyes. She feels him glances during a morning huddle they do but she keeps her head down. She just skitters away after and distracts herself with work. Check in on her patients. Hide in random corners in the hospital. Get coffee in the courtyard. Get some fresh air when she gets a chance. Read up on the latest trials and updates. Everything is overwhelming. Everything.

So, this is what it feels like to be the most hated person in Grey Sloan. She spends her day avoiding people. Avoiding him. She hears whispers. And it's not like she can do anything about it. It even hurts more when she sees him acting seemingly normal. People are nice to him. People sit with him and talk to him and check in on him. She's so tired.

So when she's tired and defeated she just thinks about when they were happy. She closes her eyes and feels the fresh air on her skin. She goes back to when it was good. When things were good. When their family was complete. She thinks about the way he holds her. The way his strong arms feel around her waist. The way his arms feel when she runs her hands down them while he's kissing her against the door. She thinks about the way he leans his forehead against hers after pulling away from a kiss. The tips of their noses touching. The way he smiles after sighing. She thinks about the way he loves hers, loved her. Because that's her only escape right now. That's the only way she knows she'll survive this.

"Hey" she was pretty sure she's hallucinating that voice, but she feels him close. So she opens her eyes and he's standing in front of her holding two cups of coffee. She looks at it and looks down at her own cup in her hand. "Oh. I didn't realize you already—it doesn't matter. I mean if you—"

"I'll take it, I could use more" She says, accepting his offering. "Thanks"

He sits next to her but she doesn't say anything. Neither does he. But then he speaks. And her lips twitches into a sad smile "I spoke to mom. Allison eats banana now"

"Yeah, I spoke to her today."

They're quiet again. They don't know what to say to each other anymore. She doesn't know if she has the right to talk about anything other than the kids.

"Mom started potty training Leo"

"Oh?"

"Yeah. She said it's going pretty well, considering…"

"Oh that's good."

She avoids his gaze because if she looks into his eyes she will cry.

"Are you okay?"

She just smiles. "What do you think, Owen?"

"I don't know. I mean, Tom is alive, so…"

"Well, the less dead people, the better. I don't know what that has to do with anything" She doesn't want to talk about Tom. She doesn't understand why he'd bring him up. She never wants to talk about Tom, especially not to him.

He doesn't say anything. Maybe because he doesn't know what to say anymore. She wants to talk but she doesn't know how to start either. Because she will cry. She will definitely cry.

"I'm sorry about last night. I shouldn't have bothered you. It was late"

"I was awake. It was no bother"

She just nods and takes a sip of the coffee. She wonders why he didn't respond. She wonders if he listened. But she's not going to ask.

"You're okay though?" He asks. She doesn't know how to answer that. She can't say yeah I'm okay because she's not. And she can't say no I'm not because what would he say to that? So she just smiles. She knows he knows the answer anyway.

He gets paged so he gets up and he kind of looks back at her and gives her a small smile. "It was a nice song, Teddy" He says before walking away.

That was enough for her. That was enough for her to get by another day. Enough hope. Enough serotonin. She takes a sip from the coffee he handed her.

Eventually it was her turn to gets paged. Time to go back to reality.

That brief moment did get her through. Owen, her best friend, was slowly peeking through the darkness. She needs that over anything. She needs her best friend. Owen, her fiance, needs time to heal. She gets that.

The world is still on fire, even if Owen acknowledged her presence today. Her problems seem like nothing comparatively. She fidgets with her necklace and plays with the four little charms. She still carries her family with her wherever she goes. A symbol of her love and commitment. Something she did betray. She rides the elevator, the slowest one she could think of. She hopes maybe she'll run into Owen, but she keeps her head down because it's just random faces giving her dirty looks.

She gets back in her car and takes a deep breath. First maskless breath in hours. It's exhausting. She's exhausted. But her lungs still work and her heart still beats. And she's thankful every time that her family is okay. Her heartache always seem minuscule after a long shift.

But she pulls into her driveway and sees Owen's truck outside. She's almost afraid to get out of her car because she's not in the mood for more heartache. But the possibility of comfort gets her out the car. She finds him sitting on the front porch waiting for her.

"It's still your house, you know. You can go inside" She says. She notices that he's drinking beer. Then she notices the six pack next to him and a box of pizza.

"I know. But it's nice outside."

"What do you got there?" She asks pointing at the objects next to him, tentatively taking steps towards him.

"Pizza. Beer."

"Why…"

"Because I miss my best friend. And I'm lonely too."

She takes a seat on the other side of the pizza and he hands her a beer.

"Today was shitty" Owen offers.

"I lost four people today" Teddy says, sighing. A neutral start to a conversation.

"I stopped counting."

"I missed you" She says as she takes a swig of the beer. "Thank you for coming"

"I just needed to be with someone tonight. I couldn't stand the hotel anymore."

"Then stay here."

"I don't know, Teddy—"

"Please? We won't have to talk if you don't want to. We can just…. Coexist."

He doesn't say anything, and she doesn't push. She drinks her beer quietly and takes a piece the pizza to fill the void.

"What a shitty time to exist"

Teddy chuckles. He's not wrong. "It is pretty exhausting."

"I hate feeling anger towards you. If there's anything I'm learning lately, it's that life is too short to be mad or at least too short to hear out what you have to say"

She doesn't know why she's holding her breath. "Yeah?"

"It hurts to think about it, you know? And I don't know why I keep listening to it."

"You know that I love you, right? It's not just some fate I accepted." He just looks at her, not answering her question. "I do. I love you" She says.

He takes a swig from his and sighs heavily. She thinks it's a good sign that he's not walking away. "I guess I can stay on the couch."

"Or the bed. It's big enough"

"Maybe."

She's quiet and she plays with the label on her beer. Maybe is not a no. Maybe he still loves her too.

"Is that over?" He asks and pauses "With him, I mean?"

She just nods "It is."

They're quiet again. She wants to know what's going on in his head. Maybe nothing. Maybe they're both just sitting there. Not taking for granted breathing in fresh outside air.

"I think I know why it hurts so much" He says

"Why? Why does it hurt so much?" She asks as she takes another slice of pizza.

"Because it's you. And never in a million years did I expect that from you. You're my version if a knight in shining armor," He says chuckling "You know what I mean? When I needed you, you're always there for me. I made a mental list of all the most terrible moments in my life and for most of them you were there to help me get through it. I watched men get blown up in front of me and I sat in the desert with a friend dying in my arms and then you come to my rescue. My sister came back and you flew to me to because you knew I needed your support. So I know you love me. So it was hard for me to comprehend why you, of all people, would choose to hurt me. And hurt me with someone like him"

She nods, understanding. Because she's trying to comprehend too.

"And It also hurts that you don't know why you did it. I know you have a reason. If you love him then just say that. I'm just tired of the lies and the secrets and—"

"I just don't know. I'm not trying to hide that. I don't know why I did it. I knew it was wrong. I just…did it. I know I ruined everything and hurt everyone"

He puts his beer down and stares into her eyes, probably the first time they've really looked each other in the eye all night. "I'm switching gears, because I know you could use a friend. And I want to be that friend you need right now, not him, and I'm saying this as your friend. But it was not entirely your fault. You have to stop feeling guilty—I know you feel guilty—for hurting him because he knows what he's doing. He knows your situation. He knows you and me. This is not some random stranger you met at a bar. This is someone who knows you. Who took advantage of you. So you do not get to take all the blame. Remind yourself that the next time you apologize to me. And you remind yourself that before you apologize to him again."

She nods. He's not wrong. "I know."

"Do you?"

She doesn't say anything. He picks his beer up and finishes the bottle before he opens another one.

"Thank you. I needed to hear that." She gives him a soft smile. "I really miss you, you know."

"Me too, Teddy. Me too."

She decides she's going to shoot her shot. So she moves the pizza box and the beer and she scoots closer to him and puts her head on his shoulder. To her surprise, he shirts and wraps an arm around her.

It could be the sadness. It could be the loneliness. It could be the craving for comfort but she looks up at him and she goes for it. She tries to kiss him. She's willing to risk it all because she misses those lips more than anything. And he doesn't push her away. Instead, he holds her face and kisses her back.

She cannot begin to process how good it felt to have his warm hand cradling her face. Or to have his lips against hers. Or his tongue in her mouth. She misses the way her hands automatically grasps onto his jacket, pulling him close.

She doesn't know what he's thinking or why he's doing this or how long he'll do this for. But right now she will savor it. She moves her hands and presses it against his chest. God she misses putting her head there when she needs comfort.

He pulls away and she panics but he mutters "inside" and she remembers they're fully exposed in their front porch, not that there's anyone around watching them.

They gather their things and go inside. She puts the pizza box on the kitchen counter and he places the beer right next to it. And he grabs her by the hips and presses her against the kitchen counter.

Her fingers rake through his hair as she pulls him in for another kiss. His hands on her thighs and down her legs as she wraps them around his waist. She pulls him close, longingly. She stops thinking. She's just doing. She's not going to think about the consequences. Maybe there are none. Maybe it's a start of them healing.

He pulls away and just looks into her eyes. He leans his forehead against hers. His signature move. Air flows between their lips. For a brief moment forgetting about everything else. The hurt. The pain. The scary things going on around them.

She waits for him to say something, but he just leans in again for another kiss. He wraps his arms around her waist and takes her to the bedroom. Their bedroom. Their bed. The one the picked out together.

This entire day was full of ups and downs. Hopefully when she wakes up tomorrow he's still by her side.