Chapter Ten

Leaving Redcliffe – NSFW

(Trigger Warning: Talks of not being able to have children)

I tilted my head, "My turn to what?"

The three all came to sit on the bed. Alistair was bright red as he placed his arm around me and hugged me. Leliana said, "Tell us about your side of things with Alistair."

"Well – I'm not nearly as romantic. I've wanted to bed him since I met the man. I think I fell in love with him about the time he helped me bury those bandits without even understanding why I was doing it."

"Then why kiss Cullen?" Aedan asked in genuine confusion. I bit my lip, "So, I've known the whole time that Alistair was going to be king. I didn't think he'd ever even give me a try and if I'm being brutally honest, I don't feel very attractive. If Alistair remained unchanged from how idealistic he was, then taking the throne would cause him to break up with me. No holds barred and no questions asked and even if he married Anora to stabilize the Ferelden power structure. I still wanted him though, but I knew that I had to avoid being in an actual relationship with him."

"That isn't really an answer," Aedan pointed out.

I sighed, "After the Fade, I felt a stronger pull to Alistair, but I ignored it. I brushed it aside. When we got to Cullen, I felt the same pull with him and… it might be odd to say, but I think that I'm already in love with him too. Look, I don't know what's happening to me but everything about me seems to be different. I feel like I don't even know myself anymore. The only things that seem real are my feelings for both Cullen and Alistair. It's not the first time I've been in a polyamorous relationship…"

Alistair stiffened, "A what now?"

I coughed, "Polyamorous – the act of being with and loving more than one partner. You know that I had Alex and you know that I had Richard."

Alistair looked torn, "On the one hand… the thought of you being with others makes me very jealous – but I can't summon those feelings when I think about it with Cullen."

I shrugged, "Might have something to do with the odd pull – I know I don't actually feel jealousy at all. If you were to take another lover, I don't think I'd mind. We can talk about that later though. We need to get everyone ready so we can hit the road."

"Speaking of, what is our next move? Isolde told me she wants me to seek out the Urn of Sacred Ashes, but no one has seen it in over 1000 years."

"Oh – that. I know where it is… approximately. We're heading toward Denerim with a stop in the Brecillian Forest for the Dalish though. We can get a map to the village that's hiding the Temple from there."

All three of them looked stunned. Alistair made me face him, "We're going to get the Urn?"

I nodded, "I don't have to like Eamon, but we do need him and he's your family. He'll live, Alistair. I do have one question though."

"Ask it," he beamed. I smiled, "Is it okay for me to start telling you that I love you at least once a day now that we know?"

He chuckled, "Is that even a real question? How could I say no?"

Aedan butted his big nose in again, "You're not upset that he likely can't give you kids?"

"Why would I be upset? Adoption is always an option," I muttered. I was feeling very guilty suddenly.

"You are upset about it…" Alistair deflated.

I shook my head, "No – I'm upset because of… well, you see… I had an operation done on me after the birth of my son… it was called Tubal Ligation… I uh… I had my ability to have kids removed. It's not that I didn't want more – I did, I mean I do. But Levi was such a handful because of his needs – he was autistic and hyperactive… my husband couldn't handle us having more and my boyfriend didn't want kids either so… I removed the possibility. And I'm not entirely sure that… that I didn't magically regrow those removed parts, so… I mean maybe I can? But it's possible… I still have my tattoos, so… what if…?"

"You most likely can't have children…" Alistair sat there numbly.

I saw Leliana and Aedan watching him and I was worried he was going to leave me now.

Aedan finally spoke, "Alistair…"

"What…?" he seemed to be dazed. I could feel my heart beating an erratic rhythm in my chest.

"Alistair, is that okay? You aren't mad at her…?"

He shook his head, "No, of course not. It isn't like it was a large possibility for us to… have kids in the first place. I think it's just… a shock that it won't be… because of my joining. I'm trying very hard to understand though – why any man wouldn't want more children with you."

I blinked, "Like I said, Levi was a child who had a lot of needs. And he never slept well – like ever. After 3 years of lost sleep every night and waking up every two hours it seemed, my husband declared he didn't think he was fit to care for another infant child and that if we wanted more later on we could adopt one that was a little older. I had no qualms with that because there were so many children without families – and many aged out of the adoption system alone. It was pretty similar to growing up as a bastard when you were an orphan. Besides, I could have adopted the older kids – everyone wants to adopt the babies to shape them into their own kids, so the older kids get ignored. The older one was, the less likely they were to be adopted. Now I feel terrible about caving and getting that operation because I do want children."

Alistair held me tightly, "As you said – we can adopt. I will love any child that we have – it doesn't matter where they came from."

I cried – I was just a damn sprinkler these days. I vaguely heard Leliana and Aedan leaving the room.

Alistair kissed me, "As I said, I was already pretty sure I wouldn't get children in this life, thanks to the Joining. You are the woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with – always. Not having children isn't a deal breaker for me. Besides, we're already married, remember?"

He was motioning to his arm – where his new tattoo sat. I gave a small chuckle, "Are you saying that you're stuck with me?"

"More like you're stuck with me. I won't let you get away so easily now that I know you love me."

"Meaning what, exactly?"

"I don't mind the world thinking the King has a Mistress if you're okay with that too. So long as I don't lose you, I don't care what label they put on us."

I smiled, "I could have some fun with that, actually."

"Then it's settled – until the day I can get you as my official wife, you'll be my mistress."

"Wow – I give you an inch and you take the whole damn mile," I laughed. He winked at me, "I'll take all that I can get with you. But I will be doing my best to convince the nobility to accept you as my queen one day."

I was overcome with feelings and kissed him. He groaned and fell back onto the bed. I moved to straddle him.

"Makers' Breath, Ara… don't we… need to leave?" he panted as I kissed my way down his jaw. I hummed, "I think we could make it quick… don't you?"

He groaned, "Not really… there is nothing quick about what I want to do with you."

I flashed him a wicked grin, "Then I suppose you could just lie there while I take my pleasure…"

I felt his member twitch through his leather pants. He flipped us over, "I want you – and Maker I wish we had more time because I just know I'm going to be useless if we come across any wildlife or bandits."

I laughed, "I don't see what's stopping you, Alistair…" I wrapped my legs around him and ground my hips against his. There was a knock at the door causing me to sigh and release my prey.

Alistair stood swiftly and helped me stand too. I used magic to change into black denim jeans, a crimson tank top and thigh-high black boots. "Come in," I called out.

Zevran entered with a pout, "Not doing anything fun, I see. Aedan said it is time to head out now that you are awake."

I snorted – the man hadn't apologized to me for his cruel actions. Even though he'd told Alistair that he didn't hate me, he was still wrong to do that.

Zevran looked confused, "Are you fighting with your brother, Bellisima?"

"I'm waiting for an apology for what he did."

"Ah… I wish you all the best luck, Little Rose – I do not believe that will happen any time soon. The way he was speaking, I thought the two of you had made up already."

I deflated – did he… really think that? I sighed, "Whatever… let's just go."

I said my farewells to Isolde, Teagan and the Kinlock people. Irving patted my arm. I did make one other stop before we headed out too.

I was too depressed to be active so I walked near the back of the group. Alistair was glaring at Aedan off and on the whole first day. Aedan seemed completely lost by that.

I noticed Leliana speaking with Zevran – she seemed confused too.

When we made camp, I sat just a little away from the main camp – closer to Morrigan than Aedan. She looked at me in contemplation, "Has the man done something offensive to you?"

I didn't answer – just kept setting up my tent. Alistair sighed, "You're aware that Aedan sent her into Fade and exposed her Magic to Irving, right? Well, you also know how her religion treats harming others? For someone who claims to be the smartest one in the group, you seem to be having a hard time putting things together."

"I don't claim to be the smartest – just smarter than you. I thought they had made up. Aedan seemed rather… happy when he left her room this morning with that bard."

I shook my head and muttered, "It doesn't matter."

"Doesn't it? You seem to be quite upset about it," Morrigan said.

"Can we just… drop it? Please, I just don't want to think about it at the moment."

She nodded, "Very well. I came over here to ask for more soap – I am almost out."

I handed her a bottle and went into my tent. Alistair and Fen both followed, "Love…"

"Is it just a man thing to be so… obtuse? He really thought we made up, but he never apologized, Alistair. Do my feelings not matter?"

"Of course they do – at the very least your feelings matter to me. I love you – and if I thought it would have helped, I'd already have challenged Aedan to a duel over it."

"Caveman," I laughed. He grinned, "I have no idea what that means, but sure – that's me."

"Me big strong man – me make woman feel better by hitting things," I giggled. He laughed harder, "Is that what being a caveman means?"

I snorted, "Pretty much – if I told Morrigan the definition meant someone with limited brain function who mostly just hit and killed things it'd be her new nickname for you."

He chuckled, "Somehow, I think I like it better when you say it."

I bit my lip, "Well… we have this whole tent to ourselves… and no one is looking for us…"

His eyes darkened, "That's very true, My Lady."

I hooked my arm around his neck, "Maybe if you please me, I'll give you the gift I picked up for you…"

He growled and kissed me, "Your wish is my command."

I yelped as my back hit the bedroll rather suddenly. His lips were on my neck as the hand not holding him up roamed my body. He pinched at my nipples through my soft shirt. I moaned, "Alistair…"

My hands tugged at his shirt. He sat back and yanked his shirt off in that sexy way that men do – grabbing it from the back and pulling it over his head. I whimpered as he fumbled with my shirt before growling out, "Makers' Breath…"

He ripped my shirt down the middle. My eyes widened – why did I find that so hot? He then moved to yank my pants off.

"Someone's eager," I smirked. He coughed, "Well… after this morning…"

I moved to flip our positions and said, "Oh – I get it. Has anyone ever told you just how handsome you are?"

He looked startled at the change of subject but gave me a sly look, "Not unless they were asking for a favor… actually there was one time in Denerim, but those women were… not like you." He pulled me down so I was laying on him and continued, "Why? Is this your way of telling me you think I'm handsome?"

I smirked at him, "Oh, I shouldn't say…"

He chuckled, "Oh, I get it; I'll get it out of you yet… so, is this the part where I get to say the same?"

I didn't answer – I just leaned down and kissed his neck as I undid his pants. He groaned. I managed to undo his pants and help him wiggle out of them.

His hand slid to the back of my neck and he pulled me closer to him for a kiss.

I gasped as his other hand rested on my hip. He flipped us so that he was holding himself over me – keeping his weight on one hand while moving the other up; he seemed to really like my breasts. My hand continued to roam over his chest.

"Alistair… I want you so much." I whispered.

He smiled, "I do have one question though… I thought everyone had hair… down there."

"Elves don't," I whimpered as his fingers moved down to my slit. He slipped a finger into me. I moaned, "Goddess… that feels… so good."

He moved his forefinger and middle finger within me – slowly picking up speed before adding his thumb to circle my clit. I cried out as my hips jerked. He had a darkened, lustful look on his face. He leaned down and nipped at my neck. My hand shot to the back of his head to fist in his hair, "Alistair."

"Maker… I love hearing my name on your lips." Oh damn… I gave him a look, "You know what I like on my lips?"

He flushed, "What's that?"

"Your lips," I whispered. He kissed me without a moments' hesitation. I pushed at him until I had him on his back. He blinked in confusion, "My love?"

I groaned at that, "I like when you call me that… but I want to finish what was started in Redcliffe this morning."

He cleared his throat, "What… what was started?"

I positioned myself above him and reached down between us. His hands were currently on my hips. My hand wrapped around his hard length and he hissed, "Maker… you don't intend…"

I very slowly lowered myself onto him. He groaned, "Maker – Ara…"

I bit my lip and brought my hands up to pinch and pull at my nipples as I began circling my hips and grinding against him. "Alistair… goddess, I love how you feel in me…"

His hips jerked and he moved one of his hands to my clit. I began moving faster as he began to once-more play with me. "Ara… Makers' Breath; you have no idea… so… oh…"

He gasped as I squeezed him with my inner walls. Before I could comprehend what happened, I was on my back and he was slamming himself into me with vigor. My back arched, "Oh! W-wait… I want… I want to try…"

He slowed and moved back at once, "Show me… anything you want, if I can…"

I turned onto my elbows and knees, raising my lower end into the air and reaching around behind me. He groaned, "Like… like animals?"

"It's called 'doggy style', so I suppose that's accurate. Please, Alistair?" I pleaded – I loved this position, actually. He nodded and allowed me to help line him up again.

He slowly thrust and hissed, "Makers' Breath… it feels…"

I moaned, "Tighter, right? Oh… This is my second… favorite… oh!"

He had picked up speed. His hands gripped my hips to use as leverage. I guess instinct really was strong in primal urges.

"Much… tighter… I love you, Ara," he panted. I buried my face in the soft lining of the bedroll as I cried out. When I came back up I moaned out, "I love… you too… Alistair…"

He moved his hands around to play with my nipples. The action triggered my orgasm – it changed his position just enough to make it feel so damn good.

He gasped and thrust harder and faster – I wasn't the only one who couldn't hold back in this position. He came.

When we both recovered enough to collapse, he held me as he turned. My back ended up against his chest. I was actually a little surprised that his member was still at-attention inside me.

"Maker… if that was your second favorite, what's your first?"

I giggled, "The normal way – you on top of me. I love that one more because I can look into your eyes and kiss you. Can't do that in 'doggy'," I yawned.

"… That is a fair point. I like it for the same reason. Your eyes are so beautiful – it's like looking at two tiny moons." I flushed softly; who gave him the right to be so romantic?

I grabbed my bag and pulled it closer. I dug out the amulet and passed it to him.

"This is… my mothers' amulet – it has to be. But it's not all broken and… where did you find it?"

I smiled, "Eamons' study, 2nd drawer on the left of his big desk."

"He must have put it back together but… but why?" Alistair stroked the locket lovingly. I sighed, "Eamon likely felt guilty for how badly he treated you. Maric did love you after all. But he couldn't get you out of the Chantry – not without acknowledging you openly, and he'd promised your mother that he wouldn't do that if you recall. Actually, he was the reason Duncan went looking for you. Duncan and your mother and father were all good friends and even had an adventure together at one point… which is actually how you happened."

He snorted, "Go figure."

I smirked at him, "Your parents were a very sweet love story with a tragically bitter ending. You will actually meet your mother one day – I promise."

"You have no idea how… that… I mean; I want to, but…"

"She didn't have a choice but to give you up – like I told you before; your mother is a Grey Warden mage – and an elf to boot. That's not one, but three reasons you would have been treated worse as a bastard to the throne. Elf-blooded, Mage-blooded and warden-blooded; your mother told your father to pick a human female – a normal human – to play the part of your mother. She saw how much your father hated the throne – for much the same reasons you hate the thought of it."

He looked confused, "I hate… you mean because I can't marry you?"

I hummed, "Your mother saw that in him – and wanted nothing more for you to grow up normal and happy. If, one day, you wanted to be acknowledged then your father would have jumped at the chance… he just didn't stick around long enough to see the man you became. When you were 15, he sailed off – he planned to come back and talk to you about potentially claiming you when you turned 18. His contingency plan was Duncan recruiting you if you hated the Templar Order."

He hugged me tighter, "I… I'm so glad I met you, Ara. I spent my whole childhood thinking that my mother was dead and my father didn't care. I worried that I would never find a woman I could love because there was nothing I could give to her – no lands, no title, no money and no name. Now I'll have that blasted throne, but I can't have the woman I love – not truly. I can't give you my last name or a fancy title. But now I also know my mother and father loved me and that… that's something I could never have dreamed of."

I chuckled, "I don't need lands, title or money – and I have my own name, thank you. I can make my own money. I can earn my own title if I really need one. All I will ever need from you is love – and only so long as you're willing to give it. We may be married by some higher power – your maker, my goddess, the spirits of old or something – but I would never dream of keeping you locked to me if you didn't…"

He kissed me roughly. I whimpered and he pulled away, "I love you, Ara – my heart belongs completely to you…"

He moved out of the bed roll and headed for the 'closet' space where we usually hung our bags and such. He reached into his pack, pulling out the rose from Lothering. I felt my eyes widen.

"Remember this? You know I picked it in Lothering… I just couldn't leave it for the Darkspawn. I remember thinking 'How can something so beautiful exist in a place with so much despair and ugliness?' I probably should have left it alone, but I couldn't. I thought I might… give it to you. In a lot of ways I think the same thing when I look at you."

I hesitantly reached out and took it, "I love it."

"I'm glad you like it – none of us have exactly had a good time since Ostagar fell and… well, it occurs to me that no one has thanked you for all you've done for this band of 'misfits' as you call it. You've kept us supplied with food and luxury items like soap and cookies. You found a way to earn money so that we can pay people rather than 'conscript' items with the treaties. You burry the people we have to kill if they attack us – you do all this work and even the people in our group just seem to take it in stride. I'm suddenly reminded of the gifts you bought from Bodahn back in Lothering – the lute, the locket, the brandy… none of thanked you for those, have we?"

"The point of a gift isn't to receive but to give, Alistair. I wasn't looking for thanks; as to the food and soap issues… I eat and like to smell clean too. Soap making was already a hobby of mine, so it was something I could do. I lead because I know what needs doing – it's just… logic, I guess."

He knelt beside me, "Then there's how humble you are about it all – as though it doesn't occur to you that you could stand to be a bit more selfish at times. Really – I don't think anyone else in this group would have gone through all the trouble to personalize soap for each of their companions. And you keep sneaking me cheese – so obviously you love me…"

I giggled at his cheeky grin, "Of course I love you – and this group is sort of like my family, so… how could I not do those things for them?"

"There's that – but people could at least say thank you once in a while, right? Or is that not a thing family does?"

I chuckled, "I sort of see this group as my kids – and being a mother is a thankless job."

"Oh Maker – you've adopted them? You should have told me so I could play the other role…"

"Nah – Aedan stepped into the fatherly role. Wynne is like the grandma. Leliana is the sweet older sister. Morrigan is in her teen rebellion phase that will never end. Zev is the flirty brother. Sten is like the no-fun, stern bodyguard. We got a whole little family complete with pets."

Fen gave a woof. Alistair chuckled, "What does that make me?"

"You're my lover. Aedan is too much like a brother to me for me to ever see him in that way, but for the sake of the group… you're also the comic relief – witty one-liners to keep things from getting too serious."

He puffed out his chest, "That's me, of course… you do realize, I'll never be able to see our group as anything else now. I'll look at Morrigan and start laughing because I'll be seeing her as a rebellious teenager."

"Uh-huh."

I yanked him down onto the bedroll, while my hands glowed green as I turned the rose head into a necklace – one sort of like you'd find if you poured resin on it – and then I made him help me put it on the chain around my neck between the two rings.

We snuggled together and he stroked my hair, "I love you, Ara."

I giggled, "How many times are you going to repeat that tonight?"

"As many as I can fit into the topics," he grinned.

"I love you too, Alistair."

"And how many times are you going to say it?"

"Oh, I'll tell you whenever – I have zero care for who is around at all. I'm a very clingy and lovey person. I don't even care if you're attending to nobles in the throne room – if I want to tell you that I love you, I won't be holding it back."

He looked so damn happy at my words that I felt my heart flutter – this man was so… how could anyone be so happy just having my love? I kissed his chin – the only thing of his face that I could reach in this position and yawned before falling asleep.