AN: Packy, Kristen, and Mel are the absolute best. As usual, I changed stuff after they've worked on it, so any remaining mistakes are all mine.
Musical inspiration:
Chris Cornell - Like A Stone
OK, hold on tight, spider monkeys, this is but the beginning of our bumpy ride. See you at the bottom.
CHAPTER 9. The Arrangement Then. Part 2.
~o~
THEN
~o~
Forks High School. Forks, Washington. Tuesday, May 1st, 2007.
Bella waited by the lockers, outside of the Principal's office, where Edward had been in for over an hour. Worst case scenarios played in her head.
When he finally walked out of the office, she smiled up at him until she saw his face. His eyebrows were scrunched in the middle, his lips in a tight seal. Not a trace of good news on his expression.
He walked up to her and grabbed her hand without saying a word. Then he started walking through the hallway.
He didn't stop until they were outside, under the bleachers at the football field.
"What happened? What did Principal Cope say?" Bella asked anxiously.
"Mr. Banner was there too." Edward let go of Bella's hand and stood in front of her, his face still impenetrable.
"Oh?"
"Did you tell him what happened yesterday?" Edward's eyes squinted at Bella in suspicion.
"Why? What did he say?"
"Bella, did you tell him what happened yesterday?" His voice was soft; there was no anger behind it.
"Sort of." Bella confessed. "He asked why you weren't at the test. And I knew you needed that final's grade to pass. You worked so hard, and to miss the test all because of me, I just…"
"Bella," Edward whispered, taking a step closer to her. "What happened yesterday wasn't your fault."
"Right…" Bella scoffed, looking down and kicking some dirt with her feet.
"What that asshole did on Saturday, also wasn't your fault." Edward reached a hand to her and his fingers softly ran over her arm. "Mr. Banner let me retake the test. That's what we were doing in there."
She looked up at him then, her eyes perking up in excitement. "And?"
"I passed." His lips stretched into a wide and proud smile.
Bella squealed, jumping on him and wrapping her arms around him.
"Geez, easy." He winced out of her hug, rubbing a hand on his bandaged, bruised ribs.
"Sorry!" Her hands flailed over her head in excitement. "Oh man, Edward, congratulations! I knew it!" She did a little dance with her arms and he chuckled.
"Who's the doofus now?"
She settled down a bit, with a sigh, pulling at the sleeves of her sweater and looking up at him. The morning sun beamed through the bleachers under which they still stood, making his eyes impossibly greener. "I'm so happy for you," she said, her eyes not leaving his.
"Me too," he said, and in the next second, his hands flanked her face, and he brought his lips to hers.
At first, she was in shock. Her arms lay motionless at her sides. But soon afterward, her arms were wrapping around him and he hoisted her up on his hips with a grunt.
"What is this?" she asked, gasping for air, when he left her mouth to kiss her neck.
"I don't know…" He panted against her neck. "Is it okay?" He moved his head back to look at her, their noses almost touching.
Her hands fisted his hair and she nodded, pulling his mouth to hers again. It was more than okay.
~o~
Charlie's house. Forks, Washington. Tuesday, May 1st, 2007.
When Bella got home from school, she rushed upstairs, and before she reached the door, she could already hear the strums of a guitar from inside her bedroom.
She opened the door slowly and found Edward in her chair, her guitar on his lap, his head down in concentration and his eyes closed. He was playing the chords to "Like a stone" by Chris Cornell.
She stood by the door—as it didn't seem he knew she was there—and watched him. The afternoon light shone through her window and lit his face. The aftermath of the fight with Jacob was still evidenced in the cuts over his eyebrow and on his lip as well as in the darkening bruise under his eye. No amount of cuts or bruises, however, could tamper the beauty on his face.
When he started to sing, Bella's breath caught in her throat.
She had never heard him sing like that, or really sing at all. His voice was raspy and deep, but with an unbelievable range. It melted her insides.
"You've been hiding that from me," she whispered from the door.
He looked up, startled, but then smiled when he saw her. He set the guitar down and immediately moved closer to her.
"How'd you get in here?" Her lips stretched into a smile as he stood in front of her.
"Through the window." His fingers reached for her hair, pushing it back behind her ears and shoulders. "Like I always do." A finger trailed down her neck, and then up her chin, pushing on it softly to make her look up at him. "Hi." He smiled.
"Hi…" Her voice was almost a whisper.
His nose touched hers, and he pulled her to him, their lips colliding.
She hadn't stopped thinking about having his lips on her again since he kissed her earlier that day. They had to stop and, in a haste, get back to class when the bell rang. Without any classes together for the rest of the day, and her having to stay later for afternoon activities, she had not seen him since.
In all honesty, she hadn't stopped thinking about kissing him, long before he ever kissed her.
Her hands roamed over his body, over all the parts she had wondered for years how they would feel under her fingertips.
His shoulders tensed under her hands as he lifted her to him, and with her hoisted on his hips, he moved to her bed.
They landed roughly on top of the covers, and he winced as she bumped her knee against his healing ribs.
He sealed the apology in her lips with a kiss and moved down to her neck and collarbone as she fisted his hair.
He kneeled in front of her, bringing her together with him. Her hands ran from his hair down to the hem of his shirt, and before her brain could question what she was doing, she was pulling his shirt off of him.
Her eyes never left his, as she kneeled on the bed, matching his position. His eyes widened ever so slightly when she removed her shirt as well.
The air in her room felt cold over the skin of her now exposed body. When his eyes wandered down from her face, she could feel her cheeks flush—she couldn't even remember which bra she was wearing. It didn't matter though—the way Edward was looking at her made her feel like a supermodel.
For an instant, he stayed there, motionless aside from the rising and falling of his chest with his labored breathing. But like magnets, their bodies were drawn closer, until her hands were on his neck, bringing him to her, and his hands were around her waist, pulling her to him.
Stop, this is too fast.
Don't dare stop—it's not nearly enough.
The battle raged inside of Bella's brain as Edward's tongue slipped in her mouth.
Her back on the bed. Him between her legs. His arms caging her. He kissed every inch of her skin as she fisted his hair.
"Are we really doing this?" she asked, staring at the ceiling, his kisses overwhelming her. Her eyes threatened to roll back as he nibbled on her neck.
"I-I don't know." He stilled in her neck, before moving up to face her. "Do you want to?" His eyes were dark, his hair falling onto his forehead, the cut on his lip swollen.
"I… I think so? Maybe?"
His eyes scrutinized hers. His brow furrowed as he contemplated what she had said for a second. Then with a nod, his eyes softened as he took a deep breath, and smiling sweetly at her, he lifted himself off of her, scooting to the edge of the bed.
She covered her face with her hands, immediately regretting her lack of certainty that resulted in him putting space between them as he sat at the edge of the bed, shoulders sagging and head down, instead of pressing his body on hers.
"Hey..." He reached for her hands and peeled them from her face. "We don't have to do this right now, or any time soon, until we're both sure." His eyes bore into her: green, bright, and sincere.
She sat on the bed, reaching for him, her hands closing around the back of his neck. "I don't think I want to stop though…" Her eyes darted to his lips, plump after many kisses; the cut on his bottom lips was calling out to her. She wanted to kiss it better. She wanted to kiss him everywhere.
His breath came out roughly through his nose as she sealed his lips with hers, and soon after that, they were back on the bed. Him on top of her, arms caging her, while her hands roamed over his back.
"God, you smell so fucking good." His labored breath in her neck sent shivers down her spine, and when he pressed more of his body on hers, she could feel him between her legs.
"Bells? You home?" The sound of Charlie's voice coming from downstairs froze them both in place.
"Shit!" Bella pushed Edward off of her and looked hastily for their shirts in her sheets.
Edward stumbled out of bed, tumbling on the floor, just as Bella threw his shirt at him. He managed to get his shirt on and make it onto the chair next to the closet, quickly grabbing the guitar.
Bella put her shirt on and grabbed the first thing she could find on the nightstand right before Charlie opened the door after a quick knock.
"Hey, kids," Charlie said from the door, completely unfazed, so used to seeing them both in her room. "Esme is bringing fish fry."
"Cool beans," Bella said, trying to act nonchalant, side-eyeing Edward who struggled to contain a laugh.
Just as quickly as he arrived, Charlie left, and Edward chuckled from the chair. "Your book is upside down, Swan."
Bella couldn't help but to laugh as well as she looked at Edward with his shirt on backwards. With a loud exhale, she dropped on her bed.
~o~
Bella sat at their dining table, facing Charlie. Esme on the right. Edward on the left. And it was as if the world spun around her.
Esme pushed a plate of salad in Charlie's direction, but he waved her off, grabbing more fries instead. Esme's face fell ever so slightly. She worried about Charlie's blood pressure. So did Bella.
That was the night Bella understood the relationship between Charlie and Esme.
She couldn't believe how oblivious she had been. It had been subtle, but it was there. She realized it as she observed Esme hovering over Charlie as dinner continued. A soft graze of her hand over his. A stolen look here and there. A quick smile as he tipped his drink followed by a flush of Esme's cheeks in response.
All the signs were there—Esme was in love with Charlie. And in some sense, maybe he loved her too. Their friendship worked. They were there for one another and loved each other without being romantically involved.
In the 17 years since Renee left, Charlie had never shown any interest in another woman before. He had told Bella many times—that part of him was dead. Charlie's loves consisted of music, baseball, and fishing. He had no time for ladies, he would always say. Bella was happy that at least he had finally let himself be loved by someone else.
It had only taken him 17 years to recover. Renee had really done a number on him. Bella inwardly winced.
That was also the night Bella realized she couldn't be with Edward. At least not then. Not yet.
After cooling down from their make out session—and the most consensual action she had ever had—she could see things in a different light.
She looked at Edward and the lopsided grin he gave her as he chewed on some fries. It was so easy to imagine it. She could see the years go by. She could see Edward being her first—and her last.
And then the fear almost paralyzed her. It was too early. They were too young.
She knew in her heart that she absolutely loved Edward. She couldn't imagine ever loving anyone else that way. But then what? Would she be his first and his last too?
The thought of Edward settling for her was tragic.
She couldn't hurt him; she couldn't do to him what Renee did to Charlie. More than she couldn't, she knew deep down that she wouldn't do that to him—she wouldn't give herself the chance for it to be a possibility. But what really terrified her was that if they got together and then he decided she wasn't worth it—if he grew to regret the decision and decided to pull a Renee instead—she knew without a shadow of a doubt she'd never survive that.
~o~
That night after dinner, Esme and Edward headed back home, but as soon as Esme went to bed, Edward snuck out and climbed back into Bella's room.
This time it was Bella on the chair, playing a song, when he came in through the window.
"A little help here, Swan?" He grunted, swinging one leg inside.
"Edward!" She grabbed his arm and helped him in. "Aren't you supposed to be resting your ribs?"
"Yeah…" His chuckle turned into a wince.
Bella stood in front of him, hands on her hips.
"So, do you want to talk, play, or play?" He smirked at her with a wink.
"Edward, I…"
"I know." His smile dropped as he took one step closer to her, understanding coloring his face, a sigh escaping as he exhaled. "Listen, I could see the wheels turning in your head while we were at dinner. I can guarantee I know exactly what you're going to say right now." He didn't seem angry, which was reassuring to Bella, instead he sounded more like he was resigned.
"I doubt it." Bella looked down and stared at her feet.
"Aren't you going to say that you're freaking out about what happened this afternoon? What almost happened? That it's you and me and that you worry that it will change everything? That there's a lot at stake and you're not sure if it will work out?"
She opened her mouth, but no words came out. That was actually a pretty good summary of what she was planning to say.
"Well, I'm here to say that I understand. That I am freaking out too. But that I'm not going anywhere. I won't let it change anything."
When she looked up at him, he gave her an earnest smile that warmed her up inside. She inched closer to him, resting her head on his chest and let out a breath she didn't know she was holding.
"So? Was I right?" He caressed her hair back.
She nodded against his chest and wrapped her arms around him.
When a sniffle escaped out of her, he wrapped his arms around her too. "Hey, it's okay."
"You left out the part where I say that I love you, Edward." She moved her head back and looked up at him. "That you're the best thing that's ever happened to me."
His eyes twinkled, reflecting the love she just told him she has for him.
She let go of him, taking a step back in preparation, and then let it all rush out. "I love every single thing about you, Edward. Everything. I love how you're always there for me no matter what. How loyal you are."
She paced in front of him, her body buzzing with the relief of finally saying this to him. "I love how you contradict me in the most inspiring ways. How you frustrate me and excite me, all at the same time."
She stopped in front of him, her eyes full of tears. "I love the music we make together. That connection we have I have never felt with anyone. I don't want that with anyone else. I want to have that forever with you."
"Bella, I feel the same way-" He moved closer to her, his hands cupping her face.
"But this," she interrupted him, a hand gesturing between her chest and his, "Us. It's the most precious thing that I have. And I'm not about to do anything that risks losing you. So, this," she points a finger between their lips, "is going to have to wait."
"So we wait," he said, lowering his hands from her face, down her arms. His eyes still soft. His smile still in place. Only contradicted by the tight set of his shoulders and his clenched jaw. Almost as if he really knew what she was going to say and had prepared for it.
She hugged herself to him, taking a deep breath.
"We can have forever." He ran a hand over her hair while his face dropped into her neck. "When we're ready." With his nose pressed against her neck, he took a deep breath, but soon after he tensed up, and with both hands closed around her arms, he softly moved her away from him.
He took another breath, looking at her, puffing his cheeks as he exhaled. His grin didn't falter, but the fact that he had purposely put some distance between them was not lost on her.
"In the meantime," he said in a friendly tone. "Let's play then." He gestured to her guitar, letting go of her arms.
They both walked to opposite ends of her bedroom, each a guitar in hand. Bella on her bed. Edward on the chair by her closet.
"Hey, we could always be friends who kiss and mess around sometimes, no?" he said with a wink.
She rolled her eyes at him.
"Well, while we wait for forever, you're going to have to let some girls borrow me from time to time. I mean, I do have needs."
She threw a pillow at him which he dodged with a laugh.
She knew he was right though. He would go on to date other girls and she was going to irrationally hate all of them. She was going to date as well, and unfairly compare them all to Edward. They'd get those things out of their system, go through their rites of passage, and come out as friends at the end. And by then, they'd be ready for forever.
~o~
AN: OK, bring on the Bella hate... No, but seriously, I hope at least some of you understand where she's coming from and how she's feeling, even if you disagree with her and how she's going about things. This chapter was so hard to write, and re-write, and re-re-write. Your feedback means the world to me, so keep it coming. Hope you stick around. See you, Monday!