Another year passed. Eren was now eight years old, and his hair which he had decided to grow out as he had in his previous life now reached a little above his shoulder blades, causing him to start carrying elastic bands and pieces of cloth to tie up when needed. Carla was now in a significant dilemma: she either cut it because it had gotten longer than considered appropriate for males in Shiganshina, and let him grow it out. After all, he looked so freaking cute with long hair!
In the end, at the boy's insistence, he was allowed to keep his long hair, but Eren started to receive contemptuous glares in the streets. According to religion, long hair in men, which 'caused them to look more effeminate', was considered improper. Religion declared both genders must act like their proper genders. It was quite ridiculous, but many people were stout believers, so Eren's decision was not well-liked.
The boy did not mind the displeasure and disgust directed towards him: why would he, when this amount was like an ant compared to a horse when he thought about his previous life. The negativity he had gotten during his murder spree was incomparable to this measly amount.
Still, there had been several assault attempts from children around his age due to his 'improper appearance'. He had beaten them all thoroughly and made sure they wouldn't dare look him in the eyes again, but it was still perturbing the hate a simple hairstyle had caused him.
Especially since following his beating of the second batch, the parents had come and accused him fo being at fault. They had claimed that his hairstyle was distracting their children and being a bad example to them, so he should have it cut. Also, he should be punished for beating up their children, even if they had attacked first because they had a 'valid reason' to do so. They were acting like he was a stripper dancing in front of children, which was actually quite amusing to Eren.
The same couldn't be said for Carla, though. When the parents had insisted on punishing Eren, the woman exploded, and nearly ripped them apart with her teeth like a wild animal. Instead of gaming them physically, she bashed them to the ground using only words, and wounded their pride so harshly even a month after the incident they would lower their heads, tuck their tails between their legs, and run away if they came across her.
A rumour also spread around town that claimed Carla was secretly a beast who could lift carriages easily, run from one side of the district to the other within minutes, and even ate human meat for dessert. When he first heard the rumour, Eren laughed his ass off for hours and suffered from a massive stomachache afterwards. That night, he told his parents what he had heard, and while Grisha was also amused, Carla was infuriated that she was being painted that way when she was a 'delicate lady'.
Laughing at that comment earned Eren the punishment of cleaning the restroom for an entire month, but it was worth it. Delicate lady, his ass. His mother cut down trees in half the time most males took, and when she wanted to, she could curse so creatively the weak would faint.
One day mid-summer, Eren and Armin were allowed to venture by themselves after doing their assigned chores as always. The two decided to challenge themselves by creating a map of Shiganshina containing every single alleyway and shop. They were feeling bored after completing their last challenge of pranking as many people by egging them a few days ago. (The challenge had lasted an entire month by the way, before they had gotten bored from egging the same people over and over and experiencing the same reactions repeatedly.) That had earned them a harsh scolding, but it had been worth seeing the people they egged (For some reason, they were the ones that opposed Eren's hairstyle the most. Hmm, what a coincidence!) look remarkably befuddled when an egg made contact with their heads. Eren and Armin had managed to improve their marksmanship by a large margin with this challenge, and now they could hit almost every target even from a hundred meters away.
After all, in order to avoid getting caught, they had climbed up roofs and hid behind carriages and corners, and thrown the eggs from as far as possible. With Armin calculating the most hidden places and Eren choosing the best one after examining the citizens' behaviours for years now, they only got caught a handful of times and managed to run away even when chased by goddamn sickles. The didn't even want to think about what would happen if they got caught, so they ran as swiftly and hid as smartly as possible.
This aspect of the challenge served as a stealth and endurance exercise for them and their physical fitness and spatial awareness improved by leaps and bounds. Armin didn't even realise how much his bony limbs had filled up, the previous emptiness taken over by strong, flexible muscles. He had also grown up by several centimetres, his appetite had improved drastically, and he was looking healthier than ever.
So, to start with their challenge, they bought the largest cloth they could find, around ten square meters large, and some different coloured paint and brushes to draw on it. They would first map the city using pieces of paper, then combine the information on this cloth and write instructions on the lower right corner as they had seen in books.
Today, they chose to start from the closest border, the gate of Wall Maria. They rushed to the gate that was only open for expeditions, and with their backs facing the wall, started to draw and write down everything they could. Eren took the left side of the road while Armin took the right side, and they jotted down the buildings and their owners, which shops were there, their personal ratings of them, and everything else they could think. They continued to do so until they were sure they had recorded all of their observations from their current position, and afterwards, started to move.
They had initially planned to separate to work faster, but Carla, who had heard their plan had refused to let them. The backstreets were dangerous even in a peaceful district like Shiganshina, so they could only do their challenge if they stuck together. Although they were mere children, two was still better than one.
They continued mapping the place for hours, having started a few hours after the sun had risen, and eventually reached a place entirely foreign to them. They roamed the location with bright and excited eyes, smiles widely etched on their faces. Yet, several minutes after their arrival, their elevated demeanour was broken by shouts from the side. The two could be considered reckless, but they knew how to create intricate plans at a moments notice. This ability had helped them a lot when they had gotten into unexpected dangerous situations in the past. Yes, they were children, but their planning abilities rivalled trained tacticians'.
Nodding at each other, they silenced their footsteps, took careful control over their breathing and approached the voices. Turning a few corners, they encountered a scene that caused a feeling of deja vu to Eren: a boy a few years older than them lying on the ground, body full of bruises and eyes filled with pain and fear, a handful of boys in their pre-teenage years beating him up ruthlessly, taunting and insulting him.
Eren could see from the corner of his eye that Armin's face had twisted into an ugly expression, and he had clenched his fists, but before the blond could rush forward to punch one of the bullies, he caught his arm firmly.
Yes, the situation was nearly entirely the same as a few years ago, when he had seen the young Armin again for the first time after his time travel, but there was a difference: he knew Armin, but he was not acquainted with this child on the ground. Armin was a dear comrade to him -his best friend, his brother, his family- but this boy was a stranger. He naturally didn't feel any compassion for the boy being beaten up, unlike what would happen if Armin took his place, so he saw no need to interrupt.
Saving someone you knew and were close to was different from helping a complete stranger: in one case you felt upset that someone you were fond of was hurt, one the other case someone you did not know in the least was being harmed. Why would you feel compassion for someone you had not met once before? What happened to them had nothing to do with you.
The blond boy snapped around, mouth open and eyes flaming with fury, but before he could protest at being held back, he saw the empty look in his friend's eyes and flinched. How could Eren look so... apathetic? Somebody was getting battered up in front of them, for Maria's sake, how could he not feel anything for the poor victim?
Taking his stunned stare as a cue to talk, Eren opened his mouth.
"Why do you want to save this stranger? He has nothing to do with you," he asked, genuinely curious and ignorant to his friend's feelings.
In the past, he might have helped a victim like this, feeling a need to help. But, after the war he had gone through, he had lost the ability to sympathise with others. Unless he held a likeable opinion of someone, he would not even think about helping them. It was utterly incomprehensible for him, to help someone unless you liked them or had something to gain from the act.
Armin felt completely incredulous at his friend's lack of feelings towards someone getting hurt. He opened his mouth, ready to shout, scream in anger at how he could be so unconcerned, but he knew that that would give his location away. Besides, if one looked closely enough, it was easy to see that Eren was sincerely asking this question, the brunette actually did not understand what Armin meant! No words left his mouth as he gaped at the indifferent face of his always smiling friend.
He blinked once, then twice, mind completely blank, then sighed, burying his face into his hands in frustration. He stayed like that for a few seconds, before he raised his head slightly and looked straight into Eren's eyes.
"Are you truly ignorant of what I am feeling?" he asked with a shaken tone of voice, eyes boring like bright jewels into Eren's pair of own.
At Eren's sincere nod, he couldn't help but emit another sigh, this one even longer than the last one. His hands found his hair, pushing the stray strands hitting his forehead, nearly reaching his eyes, backwards in a nervous habit, and closed his eyes. It seemed he was thinking of the best way describe his feelings, and Eren couldn't help but feel grateful at the amount of effort he was putting into answering his question, and proud of how far he had come.
The shy kid from the past was gone now, taking the waves of insecurity away with him, replaced by a tactical genius with a strong sense of justice. From Eren's efforts of helping Armin over the years, a young bud yet to reach its full potential had appeared, a speck of colour visible from the small crack covering the flower inside already. With the brunette's help, the young blond could now wield a knife with enough mastery to defend himself adequately, understand people's personalities by making small talk with them for a few minutes, and come up with several detailed plans on the spot. His vocabulary had also improved laudably, and he knew how to carefully choose words to avoid misunderstandings, just like a politician did.
All in all, he was a masterpiece carefully shaped by Eren and had graduated from his friend's meticulously presented lessons into learning by himself using his own observations and philosophy.
After Armin finally schemed the perfect way to explain himself, he opened his eyes, his blue orbs regaining their usual determined spark. He took a deep breath and started his lecture about the emotion called sympathy.
"What I feel when I look at that boy getting harmed is called sympathy, the feeling of sadness for another's misfortune," he started. "While I also feel empathy due to having experienced such violence before, which you might not understand, sympathy is experienced even without camaraderie between you and the victim. The reason why I want to help that boy is due to the fact that he is most likely not the one at fault, and is experiencing violence for a disgusting reason such as amusement and a show of superiority. I feel angry because the aggressors do not respect the victim's thoughts and harm him solely to cause him pain and despair. But the reason I feel agitated the most is that there is someone innocent subjected to injustice in front of me, and that offends me on a personal level."
Eren nodded thoughtfully. He could see why he felt that way, he understood the logic behind the emotion, but it was still utterly foreign and foolish in his opinion. Why help someone just because you find a situation 'unfair'? Fairness did not exist in this world, and while he would be irritated if a circumstance was 'unfair' towards him, he accepted the fact that justness was but a pipe dream in the world they were living. Faced with humanity's selfishness and narrow-mindedness, equality and justice merely could not exist. Even in court, true justice was non-existent, because true justice could only happen if what one did happened to them, an impossible feat, and ignorant at that.
'An eye for an eye would make the whole world blind', Eren had heard someone say before, and he wholeheartedly agreed. There was no way from stopping humanity from committing evil deeds, and if they were served true justice, just like a wave, after a while, the whole world would get implicated by this so-called 'justice'.
The brunette, immersed in his thoughts, nodded slowly.
"I see..." he stated, feeling proud yet morbidly amused. His friend was one of the few who had a legitimate sense of justice, yet he was still too naïve. If selfishness did not exist, his words could surely be commendable, yet selfishness was in human nature. It was a survival instinct created to make sure humans valued themselves enough not to go extinct without difficulty, and something so profoundly integrated into them could not be discarded easily, if not ever. "I cannot say I agree with your sentiment, but I will not keep you from embracing it."
He internally smiled sadly with the knowledge that after the fall of Wall Maria, something he couldn't prevent even if he wanted to, Armin would experience the truth of human nature. He would see the selfishness, the greed, the cruelty personally, and his innocent ideals would face corruption by the vileness he experienced. It pained him to think that only two years later, Armin would cease being a child, and forcefully grow up into an adult in the shortest time possible. His eyes would never carry the same light it held right now ever again. He would never be able to dream so freely again.
Hearing his response and seeing his contemplative look, Armin knew he had reached his objective. He couldn't hold himself back anymore now that his friend understood his feelings at least partially, and picking up a handful of stones from the ground, he readied himself to save the wounded boy on the floor.
Inhaling deeply, he then took a step out of his hiding place and started throwing the stones with pinpoint accuracy. The projectiles hit the bullies on their heads, backs, chest, arms and shins, places that hurt a lot. They scrambled to escape from the rain of stones, but stumbled upon each other and fell to the ground.
Eren did not stop him from taking action, watching impassively from the side. It was not his fight, but a fight of Armin's ideals against the cruelty of humans. It was his to fight, and his to win or lose. Armin's determination and effort would decide the outcome.
Unfortunately, just as the bullied were about to give up on escaping and surrender, Armin's supply of stones ran out. He panicked and leaned down and picked up a few hurriedly, but one of the preteens noticed him and rushed to his feet, throwing himself onto the boy. Armin cried out as he was smashed to the ground forcefully, knowing that his back would be bruised severely after this occurrence.
Seeing him down, the boy sat up and started punching him continuously and as hard as he could, panting in exhaustion and pain. These feelings dispelled, though, when he saw that his attacker was nothing more than a weak kid, and his energy slowly reappeared with the feelings of adrenaline and victoriousness. With every punch, the corners of his mouth curled upwards, a sense of fulfilment and excitement blooming inside him.
His friends also joined him in harming the boy, and they cruelly stomped on the boy as harshly as they could. Beneath them, Armin felt like a helpless five-year-old again, being hurt for his ideals, yet not able to retaliate, so weak, so pathetic, so worthless. On habit, he raised his head, and his insides froze at the sight of the people striking him smiling so bloodthirstily.
How could they be so happy when they were hurting people? How could they strike him when they knew he was severely harmed already? How could they not care? How could they be so selfish? How could they? HowcouldtheyhowcouldtheyhowcouldtheyhOWcOulDtHEy-
The blond pried his eyes open, only presently noticing that he had closed them due to the pain he was experiencing, and searched for the boy he had saved. Yet, when his eyes met the boy's pair, the boy scrambled to his feet, trembling in fear, and ran away without another glance.
Feeling disbelieving and betrayed, Armin's eyes desperately searched for Eren, his only hope left, begging for help, but, when his miserable blue orbs met his friend's impassive sea-green ones, those jumbled thoughts came to an abrupt halt. A shiver ran down his spine, realisation settling in his horrified eyes.
Ah, so this was what Eren meant, was the thought that appeared in his head in that moment of clarity. He now understood what his friend had thought after Armin had explained his principles to him.
Even if he helped someone, there was no guarantee that he would receive a similar response from that person. People didn't think the same as him: they did not care about others' well-being. They were cruel, they were selfish, they were disgusting. And yet, there was not a single thing he could do about it.
His naÏve outlook shattered at that moment, fragile glassy pieces raining down upon him from the hit he took, and his previously bright eyes dulled. The gem-like gleam in them turned into deep, dark despair, and he stopped struggling. There was no reason to keep trying, he realised blankly. There was no way he could achieve his ideals. He was pathetic, naÏve Armin, the boy who dreamed big but had nothing to back those dreams. He was a sissy; an ignorant, pathetic orphan. He was stupid, useless, wOrtHLesS.
Just as he closed his eyes, giving in to this harsh truth he only understood now, the weight of the preteen sitting on him disappeared, and in a second, so did the strikes he was receiving. Prying his eyes open with one last bout of effort, he saw the people who were hurting him -smiling as they did so, eyes like the devil's, filled with so much viciousness he couldn't breathe- lying beneath the owner of the ocean-coloured eyes he trusted so much, crying and whining, snot dripping down their noses and prostrating themselves before the young boy staring them down pathetically, begging to be let off -that they didn't mean to hurt his friend, that they were sorry- and he couldn't help but smile darkly.
Yes, humans were cruel and selfish, but they were also obedient when need be. Humans obeyed power, the weak were trampled by the strong, the loser bowed to the winner, that was the rule of this dog-eat-dog world.
Eren kicked the filth beneath his feet with his nose scrunched up in disgust. How disgusting, these pathetic people were. One moment, they oppressed and laughed at others' pain, the other, they hugged thighs, begging to get let off after all the pain and misery they had caused. How disgusting, shameless, selfish these mud beneath his feet were, covered in human skin yet not worthy of being human. How revolting they were, so much that he wanted to throw up from the disgust he felt.
Instead of dwelling on the nauseating repulsion he felt, he turned to his friend, and made eye contact with his madly glimmering orbs of the boy who had never held so much cruelty in his eyes. He flinched when he saw the wicked smile resting upon his bleeding and swollen lips, and his heart beat erratically with panic -what if this lesson had been too much, what if he had broken him, what if the sweet and determined Armin was lost forever, it was his fault, the boy hadn't been ready, he had destroyed his friend, it was because of him, he had fucked up again -just like before when Armin had gotten in his way, and crunch it had gone, all left of the blond a broken smile filled with tears and unseeing eyes- it was all his fault, hisfaulthisfaultHIsfAuLt- and he ran up to his friend and crouched down, worry filling his face as he took the beaten -bRoKEn- form of the blond boy into his arms, tears filling his eyes in fear.
"Armin, are you alright? I'm sorry I didn't help, I'm sorry I let you get hurt, I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry-" he cried out, words exiting his mouth at light speed, tears dripping down his wet eyes.
Armin was brought back to his sound mind by the concerned voice of his friend, and when he looked into the eyes of his friend, anxious, something he had never seen before, and crying for him, he couldn't help but freeze. All the voices in his head, telling him he was worthless, pathetic, useless, disappeared at that moment, and he couldn't help but smile.
So what if people were selfish and cruel? So what if his worldview had changed forcefully? So what if he was in excruciating pain right now?
All was worth it if he had someone who cared for him. Eren, who taught Armin so much; Eren, who was always patient with Armin; Eren, who called Armin a brother; Eren, who cried for the sake of Armin's pain...
What else did he need?
With a smile so warm it could melt snow, eyes so gentle they could turn obsidian into jelly, he raised a hand, caressing the brunette's face.
"I'm fine."
Those two words meant so much for Eren that he couldn't help but start sobbing, hugging him to his chest as if his life depended on it. Armin kept on smiling at the affectionate gesture, even when his eyes started shedding tears as well, and they held onto each other as they cried their hearts out like they never had before.
A few hours later, after Eren treated Armin's bruises and bandaged his cracked bones, they lay by their lake, the beautiful colour of the sunset reflecting from their eyes. As they watched the magnificent scene, Armin couldn't help but turn and look at Eren. The boy looked nothing like the crying boy from a few hours ago, completely calm, but the sight of that rare instance of panic for Armin's sake would never leave the blond's memory. It was carved into the back of his eyelids forever, warming him up whenever he remembered it, reminding him that there was someone who cared about him so much they would completely discard their pride and cry like a baby for his sake.
As he stared affectionately at his friend's peaceful face, Armin came to another realisation. His eyes widened and he sat up hastily, causing his injuries to protest and a hiss of pain to escape his lips.
The sound and movement made Eren look his way, a concerned glint in his eyes, but seeing Armin's eyes, once again filled with the brightness he had before, only looking older now, he couldn't help but be shocked frozen. The blond boy was shining in the light of the setting sun, brighter than the brightest of stars, and Eren couldn't help but let his glued eyes take in every detail of his friend at his best.
The soft wind ruffled the blond's hair lightly, letting the strands brush against his forehead, and the boy smiled dazzlingly.
"So what if people are selfish? So what if people are cruel? So what if people aren't fair?" he asked nobody in particular. His voice was filled with a slight hysteria, and yet as he started laughing, Eren could find no fault in it. "It doesn't matter! None of that matters!" His laughter grew louder and slid into insanity. "None of that fucking matters!" He calmed down here, taking a deep breath to calm his breathlessness. His smile turned genuine, and his eyes crinkled at the edges, eyes taking on a soft shine. "Compared to you, nothing matters! As long as you are next to me, the injustice of this world is irrelevant. As long as you are next to me, I can be cursed, beaten, tortured, and yet I'll still be happy. As long as you are next to me, I can take on anything!" He then raised his arm, pointing to him. "Because you are the sole light in this cold, dark world encasing me."
Eren blinked rapidly, trying to find an appropriate response to this confession, but in the end, all he did was raise his arm and touch the pointing finger with his own, giving him an encouraging smile.
Even if it was non-verbal, the acceptance in the gesture made Armin grin even brighter, and he threw himself on the brunette with joyful laughter. Eren yelped at the sudden action, eyes widening worriedly.
"Armin, your wounds!"
The blond boy just laughed even harder, and soon enough, a smile bloomed in Eren's face as well, and he joined his friend at his joy.
So maybe he had cracked Armin a bit! That was fine. If he was happy, everything was just fine. If the people previous to him were happy, then even if they were facing a calamity, Eren knew everything would be just fine.