When I grow up I want to be fearless.
Elizabeth gasped; she didn't really know what to answer.
She stood perfectly straight, her legs slightly apart and her hands clasped behind her back as her role dictated.
In front of her, seated at his desk, Commander Erwin looked at her with his chin resting on his hands and his elbows resting on the desk, halfway between serious and pleading.
To his right, in the same posture as her, the Captain seemed to want to look at everything in that room but her; he could not hold her gaze and hoped with all his heart that she would not feel anger towards him.
He had stood up for a whole week to what, for him, was madness, but he still had to take into account that Erwin was right on every front.
To the left of the Commander, however, Hange looked confused. It was not new that a superior would send a soldier on some special mission, especially when there was the entire Survey Corps involved, but it was strange that Erwin's, in some respects, wasn't entirely an order.
She had a choice.
Yet Erwin had been elusive enough, using every word with skill to convince her.
But the team leader had also noticed something else.
Levi was strongly opposed, despite knowing much better than she what was the reason for that request, if it could be called like this, and what it meant for all of them.
Elizabeth blinked a couple of times, almost awakening from a dream. The Commander was still waiting for an answer but she wanted some too.
The blonde knew perfectly well that she didn't really have much choice; she was a soldier and as such she had to respect the decisions of her superiors, even if they seemed almost absurd or suicidal.
"If I can ask it, Commander, why me?"
Erwin lifted his chin from his hands, keeping them tightly tied together, and thus assuming an even more authoritarian posture.
"Because you come from there. There is no person who knows that place better than you, it shouldn't be difficult for you to find the information requested."
"So, if I understand correctly, you want me to go underground to research what a brothel should be?"
"It's not just that Elizabeth." Erwin said.
Levi clenched his fists behind his back, taking advantage of the fact that they were safe from anyone's sight. He would have given anything to avoid that situation but he was in no position to do so.
And he hated feeling helpless.
"That... kind of business..." Erwin started again taking a break between one word and another. "...It only serves to hide a laboratory from everyone's eyes. Clients are used as guinea pigs; they are injected with some kind of experimental drug that should be used to create a kind of invincible soldier."
"So they want to recreate Le-. Captain Levi?" Elizabeth asked more and more shocked by those words. She had seen all her life, with her own eyes, what people were capable of, but creating a perfect soldier was beyond her imagination.
"The appointment of humanity's strongest soldier made them want to defend themselves in their own way, I think." Hange added, adjusting her glasses to her nose and letting the light, for a moment, hide her eyes from Elizabeth's sight.
"But that drug is also coming up here. Some of the military police are testing that crap to outmaneuver the Captain but they are testing it on innocent people. Not to mention that, we believe, it's the military police who control everything."
"And what does the Survey Corps have in all this?" the blonde asked to her Commander again, hoping that he didn't answer exactly what she thought. However, knowing that place had made her understand everything.
"Two of them have stolen strictly confidential information from us about squad leader Hange's Titans research and are using it to make that drug. If they succeeded, the responsibility would be placed directly on us and a lot of people could die from it as it's already starting to happen."
"How many people have died from that stuff so far?" Elizabeth asked, the last piece of information she needed to answer.
Erwin had been good, he had to admit; he had used every word flawlessly to persuade her, despite knowing how good she was at using rhetoric too.
"About ten."
Elizabeth, for the first time since Erwin had brought her into his study and had begun to explain the reason for that call, looked up at Levi's face.
So proud yet so scared.
He did not want it. He was silently begging her to say no.
But she knew as well as he did that this 'no' was not really contemplated or Erwin would not be so careful in how to ask her that request.
"I will do it."
Two days. Two fucking days to prepare her for what Levi called a 'suicide mission'.
Elizabeth would have felt offended if she hadn't known him enough to know he didn't like that place.
He knew very well how much she was worth and how capable she was but he wanted her away from the underground.
Yet it was right down there that she had been sent.
How ironic. He, who wanted to protect her from her past, would have to watch helplessly at the sight of her returning there on her own legs.
Even now, while his only thought was to be punishing two completely irresponsible and disrespectful cadets, he could not stop thinking about that damned morning. And to that damn 'yes'.
He would have destroyed every single wall of that city with his own hands if they dared to harm her.
A light knock interrupted them, causing the two boys to gulp in fright as they knew perfectly well how much Levi hated being interrupted.
His eyes were darker than usual, a sign that he must also be in a very bad mood.
"Name." he just said, every word was superfluous. He felt like a bomb ready to explode and he had to appeal to all his self-control not to hit someone.
"Elizabeth Blossom, Captain."
"Come in."
The two cadets turned to watch the soldier slowly walk into the Captain's office, not at all afraid of his anger and thinking how brave she must be. Or insane.
"If I disturb I'll be back later, sir."
"No, stay." he said to Elizabeth before turning his attention back to the two cadets. "A month of detention. I want to see this fucking place shine. Was I clear enough?"
"Yes, sir." the two answered in unison, waiting for the Captain to dismiss them. "Get out of here."
As soon as the second of the two cadets who walked out the door closed the door behind him, Elizabeth walked over to it to lock it, so that no one could suddenly enter.
No one would ever dare but it was always better to avoid it.
"The rest of the team will be informed of my absence tomorrow but they won't know more, will they?" she asked, abandoning the previously formal tone for a more calm one. And visibly tired.
Levi snapped his fingers; he had kept them contracted for so long that now his bones needed to move.
"Are you scared?" he asked, feeling strangely calmer. Her presence alone could calm him down instantly.
"I'd be lying if I said no."
"Good. It means you're not stupid." he replied well aware of what she should do. If they found her, she would be killed instantly and no one would find her there.
He would have lost her in an instant.
"Who would have thought that? After escaping from there, I'm going back."
"Be careful; don't get caught; if it turns out to be too demanding come back; and don't fucking die."
Levi stood up, walking slowly until he reached and faced her with his size.
He was not much taller than her, only an inch or two that Elizabeth felt, at that moment, weighing heavily on her.
But that wasn't it. It was his eyes' fault.
It was that look so full of expectation, so eager not to see her go.
"This morning a cadet stopped me, wondering what courage I have in talking to you every day." Elizabeth began talking, smiling slightly and stepping forward to be even closer to him. She could feel his breath tickle the tip of her nose.
"He called me crazy. Maybe that's why Erwin chose me. I don't believe much in my coming from there, you know."
"Your eyes light up when someone tells you 'it's dangerous'. Fear wakes you up."
Levi seemed to be reading into her at that moment, with a gaze so deep it could have burned her with intensity.
And Elizabeth felt she could no longer keep it inside.
It was almost a year since she had known the Captain, he knew perfectly well what she felt and how much she cared about him.
"This is the reason why I..."
Yet Elizabeth froze. Her throat suddenly went dry and her voice no longer came out.
Levi instead seemed to have understood everything. His heart pounded in his chest at that knowledge and, now more than ever, he could never accept her death. Of all the people he had lost, she was the only one whose death was capable of destroying him.
The blonde took courage. She could no longer waste time.
She had to get that weight off her chest.
She saw him open his mouth to speak but if he did she would never find a way to tell him everything and that was the only time she could.
"No. Please. I have to say this before I decide not to do it again and I will regret it for the rest of my life."
Elizabeth began to speak faster, making Levi smile.
The Captain felt pervaded by the sweetness of her gaze at that moment: she was no longer a proud soldier or his passionate companion. She was so much more.
"The odds of me dying are pretty high and I don't want to leave this world without first telling you at least once that I-"
"I love you."
Three words that Levi would never have thought of saying, especially to a woman.
But here he is, looking into the deep of her eyes, making her smile and feeling those damn butterflies in his stomach.
Yeah, I'm totally fucked...
She looked at him as happy as she had never been before, overall affected by her captain's revelation.
"I love you Levi."
And his heart began to race. A light kiss on the lips to confirm that silent promise to never leave her side.
He didn't need any more words, not with her.
The carriage had stopped too early for Elizabeth's liking.
Levi occupied the other side, while Erwin flanked the Captain with equal apprehension.
But in Levi's heart there was much more. There was not only the knowledge that he had said those words to her for the first time, but also that he would soon see her go underground but, probably, he would never see her come out again.
And he was scared of it.
The only thing he could do was go over what the plan was for the umpteenth time and hope that Elizabeth was lucky enough not to get caught.
"Elizabeth, I speak to the guards at the entrance. As soon as they see you they will let you out without problems, for the rest you are more than prepared. We trust you. Good luck."
Erwin waited for Elizabeth to respond with her fist on her chest, their sign of recognition, that gesture that usually had to represent pride and belonging, now she was using it not only to accept the discharge but also because she knew perfectly well that if she spoke her voice would tremble.
Her left hand was shaking a little but she couldn't explain why. Her heart wasn't beating faster, she didn't fear the entrance, she feared something but she didn't know what.
It wasn't a particularly difficult mission for her abilities, she had always been a very skilled cheat, so why was she so afraid? What was she afraid of?
She couldn't explain it. Yet when her gaze met Levi's for the last time, before who knows how long, she could no longer hold back.
She didn't care about the risk of getting caught anymore.
She reached out just enough to bring her face close to that of the Captain in front of her until their lips joined. Levi immediately responded to that kiss, holding her face with one hand and the back of her neck with the other one until they were completely lost in those sensations.
The carriage window was covered with a light dark curtain so no one would see them anyway, unless they decided to open the door, but now only the two of them existed.
May everyone find out!
He was happy and in love, people could think what they wanted; he had never given a fuck about the opinion of others, he certainly would not have started that day.
Their lips parted from the lack of oxygen and they just looked into each other's eyes for a few moments in absolute silence.
It was time for her to go and do her duty as a soldier.
"Remember: don't you dare die. Come back." Levi reminded her in the firmest voice he possessed, only to hide the anxiety he felt and avoid unnecessary thoughts that would endanger her. There was no need to tell her that he didn't want that or that he preferred her to be safe by his side; she already knew that.
"I'll always come back to you Levi."
The two got out of the carriage, so that she could repeat the gesture made earlier to Erwin also to him, as his superior, and wait for the official entry order.
Her gaze immediately became serious, cold and proud; a soldier in all respects who did not fear death even when it came before her. Fearless until the end.
As soon as the guards finished with her identification they cleared her way, showing her the stairs that would lead her to the place from which she had escaped long ago.
She didn't look back, it was too honeyed; she still felt perfectly Levi's gaze burning on her back as if to impress every moment.
Now she understood what she feared, the reason for that tremor in her hand, she remembered it perfectly. That same fear had assailed her when she learned that there was nothing more for her brother to do and that he would soon die, leaving her alone. But this time she feared for her life, she feared the idea of never seeing that Captain again who had stolen her heart and soul.
Maybe he really made her a little honeyed but, mentally, she allowed herself to be only for him, before closing everything inside her heart until the moment when she would walk those stone steps in the opposite direction, to get out of the underground.
As soon as she was inside the smell of damp and dirty immediately filled her nostrils and the voices of life going on there brought back a lot of memories.
She remembered when she was in those streets running to escape first from her brother for fun and then from the criminals who wanted her life.
How much things had changed for her in all that time. She was different, first of all.
Yet, of all the memories and the different things, the only one that hadn't changed at all was a particular voice that came from behind her.
"Look who's back… You're alive."