Wake Up Boyz
10/31/2020
For more than a Sixty Million Years Gork and Mork have watched and took joy in the antics and battles of their Boyz. The Orks are Masters of the battlefield by the Will of their shared beliefs and Conquerors of Millions of Worlds by the might of their inexhaustible armies. They are the laughing and feasting Boyz dancing on the rotting carcasses of other races. Using Technology not even they understand, they are the Lords of War and Destruction, for whom millions of souls die every day, for whom blood is spilt and flesh is broken.
Everybody's blood and Everybody's flesh, the stuff of which a WAAAAGH is made.
To be alive in such times is to be one amongst untold trillions and trillions. It is to live in the greatest and most bloody times imaginable; this is a tale of one of those times.
Hagob stood perfectly still for a moment, trying to figure how real what he had just experienced had been. Was that really Gork and Mork? Did they really want him to lead a Waaagh to capture this Rok? Who were those other four jokers in there with him? None of this made any sense. He was just a simple Goff Ork who only needed a buncha Boyz and a good fight. He was not even sure how he could get that many Orks together under his leadership.
As he got back to himself the burning in his chest was back with a vengeance. Only it was different now. Before it had led him to some of his most epic scraps. Now he could only think it was somehow reversed. Maybe scraps would start finding him now so he would not have to go walking so much just to have some fun.
Just then a voice broke into his thoughts and said, "Youse dun hadda vision."
Hagob took a moment and saw that he was indeed back in the cave. The chest was still open at his feet. It looked like no time had passed at all while he had been somewhere else. Litehead was still in the same place and it was the Weird Boy who had spoken.
He said, "Ya Iz guess youse could saiz dat."
Litehead looked Hagob up and down and then sat down on the floor of the cave. He gestured for Hagob to join him and waited for both of them to be seated.
Litehead then said, "Youse saw Gork and Mork didna ya?"
Hagob said, "Yep sure did. Nice Boyz dem. Alwayz readied for a good fight."
Litehead whacked Hagob up the side of his head. For a smaller Ork, Litehead had a surprisingly good punch. Given the sparks that flew from his eyes, there might have been more than just physical strength behind it.
Litehead said, "Of course dem is nice Boyz. Da iz all an Ork should be. The questioning iz wat dem wantz youse to do?"
Hagob did not hesitate and said, "Day wantz me to take over this Rok. Did youse know wez are on a big Rok in da void?"
Litehead let some of the feelings inside him subside so he would not hit Hagob again and said, "Yep, Iva beenz around for longer den youse and can feela all da Orks and oddas on board."
Hagob looked at Litehead and wondered if he had also seen what had happened with his Weird Boy ways. Still whether he had or not, Hagob felt he could talk to him about what his real problem was.
Hagob said, "Look Ima simple scraper. I luv leading the Boyz inna a big scrap. I sayz do more so betta but Iz no ideas on how to bringz alla dez Orcs togetta."
Litehead said, "Gork and Mork didna pick youse. Youse earned da right to be their champion. Youse just got to figure out how to get all of dez Boyz together. Whatsa da first ting dat comez inta ya brain?"
Hagob thought on that for moment and the first and only thought that came to him was his feet. The one thing being on the Rok had meant so far was not good fights but walking. He had spent so much time walking up and down the corridors of this Rok already the thought of doing more walking to recruit all da Boyz he had to would mean not getting a chance to do much fighting.
In an exasperated voice Hagob let slip some of his frustration and said, "Guess wez gotta getz on our feets and getz moving to find all the Boyz."
Litehead did not move except for a head tilt and said, "I think Iah knowz a way wez can getz all da Boyz together without too much walking."
Hagob stood up and looked down on the Weird Boy. He readied his fist to use has encouragement in case Litehead did not elaborate quickly. All this thinking and using his brain for things he had not ever dreamed he would be using it for was giving him true head pain. He did not say anything but just gave Litehead a look that said spill it.
Litehead did not look to be bothered by Hagob's look but did continue and said, "There iz some Boyz youse aint met yet. Thez live inna deep part of this Rok but iffin youse can get dem, then youse won't have to worry about walking anymore."
Hagob, like all Orks was born knowing many things. How to fight, how to find food, how to hit others, how to build weapons, how to kick stomp his enemies and to some extent who their enemies and who their friends were. Well that was often the same thing. There was one group of Orks who hated walking as the soul of their being. If he could recruit them to his Waaagh then he would not be walking to much anymore.
Uncurling his fist, Hagob held out his hand to Litehead and said, "So where do we find these Boyz?"
Litehead took his hand and stood up also. A huge smile came across his face and he said, "Well first ting wez are gonna do a little walking. Thez we getz to fight the one who guardz da teleporta to get to da Boyz we need are."
As the pair turned and headed for the cave exit, Hagob brightened some at the prospect of fighting something new. It was when he stepped outside of the cave and saw not only all his Ork Boyz but all the Gretchin and Snotlings and even a bunch of Squigs were there. All of them were standing quietly, which was very strange for Orks. Hagob could only guess they all had gotten an idea of what had just happened to him and were now waiting to see what the results.
Hagob found a spot where he could look down on them and in a voice he filled with all the power he could he said, "Boyz I have big news. No not big news, huge news, the biggest news youse little brainz can ever tink of."
He stopped talking for a moment so that his Boyz could start using their heads and get the message of how big this news was. When he felt they were beginning to get a grasp on what he wanted to tell them, he then said, "Boyz wez are goin onna Waaagh!"
Of course that brought a huge cheer from all the gathered Orks and others. Hagob let them go on for a few minutes. When they reached a lull, he raised his voice even higher and said, "This iz notta normal Waaagh thou Boyz. Dis here Waaagh comez straight from the da Big Boyz dem selves. Gork and Mork haz given me a vision and a mission."
The Boyz let out another cheer and started to slap each other around a bit. Some of them fired their sluggas into the air. One aimed low and shot the leg off another Ork to the laughter of several of the others.
Hagob let them go for a few minutes and then slammed the flat Big Choppa down to get their attention back. He then said, "Listen up youse bunch of little pipsqueaks. This Waaagh is not about fighting and fighting, even thou that iz the best. Gork and Mork wantz all us ina much bigga scrap then youse can eva have on dis Rok. So wez iz gonna take dis here Rok and then take it to a place wez can have that big scrap."
Hagob's Ork Boyz look stunned and did not say anything. It was Dente who started to chant, he said, "Great Big Scrap, Great Big Scrap, Great Big Scrap."
The rest of the Orks immediately took up the chant, "Great Big Scrap, Great Big Scrap, Great Big Scrap."
The volume rose louder and louder with more slugga firing and Orks punching each other. One of the Loota Boyz fired off his weapon and took a big chunk out of the cave wall sending a shower of rock debris over everyone. Another Ork and three Gretchin died from the celebrating as things started to get out of control. Two Snotlings were stamped to death before they could get out of the way and then eaten in a squishy toast to Hagob.
Hagob let them go on until one shot came close to hitting the skull he was wearing and then decided to bring them down. He raised his arms above his head and then called out and said, "Now shut youse gobs and pay attention."
It did not take long for the Ork Boyz to settle down. They were extremely excited to be in a Waaagh led by a prophet and wanted to get started on the fighting right away. The Gretchin were excited also since the sooner the Orks left for their Waaagh, the sooner they could be left alone to drink beer. The Snotlings were just excited since everyone else was excited and thought they should be too.
Hagob waited until they were all quiet and then started to give out orders and said, "Now payz close attention, so I donna havta sayz tis again. Iz and Funkle, youse two and ya Boyz and Gretchin needz ta start churning out weapons and food and lots of beer for all the new Boyz that wez are gonna getz."
Turning his head and giving a very stern look to the leader of the Loota Boyz until he met his eyes and then said, "Dankle youse and your Boyz are gonna hang out here and getz dem everyting they needz. Ifna I findz youse held anyting back, Iz will make youse my new totem flag."
Dankle normally would have just agreed with what his War Boss said, then just ignored it and grabbed all the stuff he could. There was just something about the way Hagob looked and stood that prevented him from thinking this. The skull on Hagob's head didn't help Dankle stick to his values any. There was just something about it, that did not let him say no.
Hagob did not pay any more attention to Dankle and moved on to his next lieutenant and said, "Kappen Konna, take your Boyz and find all the Ork dens youse can. Donna fightz wid dem. Wez are gonna recruit every single one of dem our Mighty Waaagh.
The other Orks turned to look at Kappan Konna but he and his Boyz were already gone.
Hagob next said, "Dente and Codt grab all da Boyz left and get ready to move out, Litehead is gonna take us somewhere special." Hagob started to turn then faced back toward the mob in front of him and said, "Sou get your lazy butt into youse Killa Kan and don't be slow ya little bugger.
Sou had been trying to sneak away among all the other Gretchin. He loved his Killa Kan but just didn't like being in it. It was stuffy, hot, loud, could easily get you killed in like a thousand ways and worst of all was ridiculously hard to eat in. Still da Boss needed him. Sou pumped out his chest and strode proudly off toward where the food was kept so he could stock up before he got into the Killa Kan.
It did not take long for the Orks to get organized. Most of the other races saw them as a chaotic mass roaming around looking for a brawl. They did not give them credit for how organized and fast they could move once they had an objective in mind. The War Boss gave the orders and then the Nobs grabbed their Boyz and fulfilled the role they were born to do. In less time then it took the Cadians to lose their planet, Hagob and his Boyz headed out of their camp. He did not even mind they were walking again because they had a mission. That is until he walked into another group of Orks twice the size of the one he was leading.
Some commanders would do a quick calculation of opposing forces and come up with a plan to win, others would order quick response battle drills, others would send a champion to fight their champion. Hagob just stopped his march, looked at the Orks in front of him and said, "What by Gork and Mork do youse foolz wantz?"
The largest Ork among them stepped forward. He was clad from head to foot in metal all painted yellow. There were also glyphs painted in black on the armor. The number of which competed with the number of skulls he had hanging all over his armor. One of his hands was covered in a Power Claw and the other held a Big Choppa bigger than Hagob's.
He said, "I'm Drig and theze are me Ladz. Wez is lookin for someone special."
Hagob said, "Well I amma the specialist Ork there is. Youse lookin for mez?"
The Mega-Nob looked Hagob over and then said, "I dunno tink so. The special one would not be wearing a funny skull on his head."
With that the Mega-Nob started to laugh and all his Ladz joined in. Hagob started to laugh also. Nervously his Boyz started to laugh until the entire section of the Rok was filled with Ork laughter. Hagob grabbed his belly and continued laughing as he walked up to the Mega-Nob. He put his hand on the armored shoulder and looked the other Ork in the eye. He then threw his head back in another laugh, which the Mega -Nob joined in on. Hagob then slammed the crown of the skull into the Mega-Nob's nose crushing his helmet and his head. As the blood splattered across the first two front rows of Orks, all the laughing stopped.
In the sudden silence that followed Hagob said, "Listen up Boyz and Ladz, Gork and Mork have given mez a mission. You can either getz in line wit it or wez can have a quick scrap for fun and then I canna getz back on my mission."
The new Orks looked at each other not sure which sounded more fun. From the back of Hagob's mob and tinny voice started chanting. It said, "Hagob the Smasher. Hagob the Smasher. Hagob the Smasher. Hagob the Smasher."
Soon the chant was picked up by Hagob's Boyz and then by the new Orks. "Hagob the Smasher. Hagob the Smasher. Hagob the Smasher. Hagob the Smasher. Hagob the Smasher. Hagob the Smasher. Hagob the Smasher."
When the chant was so loud it started to shake the dust out of the cracks in the corridor. Hagob started walking in the direction they had been going. The Ladz kept chanting and fell in with the Boyz. For his part Hagob was feeling better than ever. He had not known the headbutt would work but it did and now he had more Boyz. Life was getting better.
Hagob did not notice the rest of the walk. He spent the time sizing up the new Boyz they had meet on the way. All of them were Goff Clan, which he hardily approved of. Most were just Boyz looking for a fight. They had been out on a raid and they told him they felt a pull to come and seek him out.
There were some Mek Boyz and Pain Boyz among them. Plus the usual Gretchin, except these ones were not armed. They were all equipped with back packs and weighed down with ammo and grenades and some supplies for all of the Boyz.
Soon enough they had left the rock tunnels and entered the metal corridors again. Hagob did not notice these corridors had a different feel to them. The metal was not as ancient as that of where the corridors he had lived in before. It also had an organic feel to it as if the metal had not been welded together but grown together. Hagob just kept walking along until they got to an open space at the end of one corridor. The room there was a little plain containing only a large, raised dais big enough to hold about twenty five Orks, maybe more if they crammed together. In front of it was a large control panel with a floral design to it. It was giving off a dim glow that illuminated a large robot.
The metal being was not shaped like an Ork at all. It had six arms all resting on the control panel. Its body was a giant ovoid shape which did not have a head or legs. Hagob took notice of it but was not sure what his next action should be. He started to look around for Litehead and found him standing next to him. That was one sneaky git.
Hagob said, "Iz dat ting what we came here to get around widoot walking?"
Litehead said, "Dat me big friend iz part of it. Itz a teleporta that can take us places. Right now it can takez us to wherez wez needz to go."
Hagob looked over at the control console and then back at Litehead. He said, "So whacha godda do to getz this going?"
Litehead raised his arm and pointed at the robot. He then said, "Up ta youse. Either fightz it an see ifin wez can get it to work or tellz it youse wantz to getz to da Speedway. He will tellz youse what youse needz to know. Now hurriez up and getz tis started before these Boyz do sumting dumb. Thez iz beginning to givez me a migraine."
Hagob once again looked at the robot and then at Litehead and then hefted up his Big Choppa and went to stand in front of the control console. As soon as he stepped up to the control console the robot said, "LOYRT NOFH HLDI VNAS."
Not understanding what the robot had said he replied by saying, "What youse on about?"
Some lights blinked on the control console and then the robot said, "Species identified. Ork. Individual not identified. Please state your name."
Hagob was not sure how to take this statement so he said, "I am Hagob the Smasher, Prophet of Gork and Mork, who's ya.?
The robot lifted one arm and hit a switch then he said, "Individual identified as Hagob the Smasher, Prophet of Gork and Mork. Now Hagob the Smasher, Prophet of Gork and Mork please stand in the circle."
Hagob was beginning to wonder if this conversation was going to lead anywhere. He looked down and saw a yellow circle on the floor. He looked back at Litehead and all the Boyz. Most just had curious looks on their faces, some were looking at way more interesting lumen fixtures. A couple were having a discussion of who had the better slugga by hitting each other over the head with their respective champions. Litehead gave him some encouraging hand waves.
Turning back to the robot he stepped into the circle. Immediately a very bright lumen illuminated him from the circle below. As his eyes tried to recover from glare the robot spoke. It said, "Hagob the Smasher, Prophet of Gork and Mork, first question, what is it you desire of this unit?"
Hagob thought that now they were getting somewhere and said, "I needz to get me and mez Boyz to da Speedway. Can youse do dat?"
The robot said, "Destination is within the capabilities of this unit, Hagob the Smasher, Prophet of Gork and Mork. Second question, who will be going?"
Hagob started to feel much better. He still was not sure what this thing was, but it was sticking to simple business, He just wished it would hurry up and get them there. He said, "Mez and all mez Boyz standing over there."
There was a rapid serious of light flashes each lasting less than a tenth of a second. As Hagob was trying to hide his eyes, the robot said, "Hagob the Smasher, Prophet of Gork and Mork, you and 157 others will be teleported in seven relays. Third question, what is the combined mass of all those teleporting and their equipment to the nearest whole quatloo?"
Hagob just stood there dumbfounded. Not only did he not know what a quatloo was, he was not sure what the term weigh meant. Weight was not an Ork thing, Something was either alive or it was dead. It either was there or it wasn't. If you needed to lift something you either lifted it or got some Boyz to lift it or attached more rockets to it. You did not care how much it weighed.
Hagob was about to raise his weapons and shoot and chop his way into the teleporter when he felt an inch on his skull. No it was not an inch in his brain. He sought iy out and worked it, he teased it until the itch grew. A thought blossomed into his mind. Gork and Mork did not just give things away. No Ork just gave things away, everything had to be earned and then fought for to be kept.
Being made a prophet of Gork and Mork did not mean everything would be easy from now on. The pair of Ork gods would be testing him from now on. He thought this was his first test. No the Mega-Nob had been the first test. In that one he had been Brutal but Cunning. To pass this test he would need to be Cunning but Brutal. Hitting the robot or the control console would not be the answer here. Then what would be?
Hagob stood up straight and said, "We need to get goin and donna have time for quatloo or whatever. Youse just getz us to da Speedway and make it snappy."
For a moment there was nothing. Then all the lights on the control console flashed on and off. After that the lights on the control console went back to normal and the robot said, "Very well Hagob the Smasher, Prophet of Gork and Mork but you will need to accept a 18.5 percent chance of not arriving at your destination; 4.8 percent chance of death and a 2.3 percent chance of catching on fire. Hagob the Smasher, Prophet of Gork and Mork do you accept the risks?"
Hagob smiled broadly and said, "Thatta givez me a better tan 75 percent chance of no problem at all. Let's get this party started."'
The robot then said, "Very well have your first group move to the teleporter and we may begin."
Hagob nodded and turned back to his Boyz and bellowed, "Litehead youse come wid me now. Dente youse go last and send the Boyz through 25 at a time. Now of youse be afraid even if youse catch fire."
Hagob walked over to the dais and found a spot in the middle. Litehead and a bunch of his original Boyz joined him on the dais. Hagob looked back at the robot and was surprised that he stood a head taller than the rest of his Boyz. The robot hit some buttons and levers and then there was the brightest flash of light yet.
Hagob's last thought as the light engulfed him was wondering if next time he should be Cunning but Brutal or Brutal but Cunning.