TEDDY
I haven't seen Owen since yesterday, after Megan took me out of his room because of my Braxton Hicks. That day when I was discharged, I decided to return to Seattle with Nathan, while Evelyn and Megan stayed to arrange everything for Owen's transfer to Seattle Grace.
Owen is supposed to be there already, but I don't know what to do, I don't know how to see him in the face again. What am I supposed to say when we can't tell him anything he doesn't remember? I'm in a dead end, he doesn't remember me, and the only thing I can think of to make him remember me is forbidden.
"Megan called me, Owen is already in a room at Seattle Grace. She and Evelyn will take days to be with him and take care of him in the morning and at night." Nathan updates me while I nurse a cup of chamomile tea now practically cold.
"Oh, thanks for the update... I... thanks." I answer a little absent-mindedly.
"Do you want to come with me? I'm leaving for the hospital, I've an appointment with the Chief of Surgery."
"You go, I... I'll go later. I'm exhausted and I'd like to sleep for a couple of hours."
Nathan smiles at me sympathetically. "You do well, you need a good rest, you and the baby. See you later then."
"Yeah, see you later."
He kisses me on the cheek and then leaves me alone in the house, but I'm really so exhausted that I'm not in the mood even to keep thinking. I go upstairs to my room, Owen's room, I lie on the bed and in a matter of minutes I'm sound asleep.
Hours later I'm awakened by the ring of my cell phone. It's Megan informing me that unfortunately she will no longer be able to accompany Owen at night, as they had planned, since she had been assigned the night shift for the following days.
"And... do you want me to go with him?" I ask cautiously.
"It's not much work, really. In fact, it is not work at all, the nurses have brought a sofa bed so we will kill two birds with one stone, you will rest and Owen won't be alone at night."
I sigh. "No, it's ok. Tell your mom that it's okay, she can come home to rest, I'll stay with Owen at night."
"You're an angel! By the way, Owen hasn't stopped asking about you since yesterday."
I don't know what to feel or what to do with that information. "Oh, really?"
"Yeah, he wants to see you!" Megan gushes.
"Well, I'll see him later." With that, I don't let Megan say more and hang up the phone.
I turn around in bed looking at the window, the sun begins to set. "What will we do, little one?" I say out loud while stroking my bump. "Daddy doesn't remember us, well, he doesn't remember me. About you he never knew."
I don't know why I feel so upset, it's not as if Owen decided to forget me at will, it's not like he asked for what happened, I was supposed to be the one in his place for God's sake!
But it makes me so sad that of all the possible things he could forget, it had to be just me. That's what's killing me.
I don't blame him, of course not, I would never do it, on the contrary, even to this day it's me who feels guilty for having changed places with him in that helicopter. I think I can only accept the situation and try to handle it as best as possible, do it for me, for him, for our baby that will come in just 3 months.
"We'll make Daddy remember, you'll see." I tell my little one and with that I get out of bed and get ready to go to the hospital to accompany Owen.
When I arrive Evelyn is not there, and Owen is sound asleep. It makes me feel relieved, right now I don't know how to face him. A nurse brings me some pillows and blankets, I put on my pajamas and lie on my side, watching Owen sleep. He looks so peaceful, his hair and beard have been cut and shaved, he looks like him again.
And there it is, the constant guilt again, to think that I feel upset because he doesn't remember me, but I haven't considered the hell that he had to go through for his mind to block his memories. In everything he suffered, the torture, the hunger, the loneliness, the fear of death.
"You are so stupid and selfish." I sob and sink my face on the pillow to cry.
OWEN
I wake up with a start. Not even the strong painkillers make me have nightmare-free dreams. Nightmares I forget as soon as I open my eyes, but they leave me with my heart pounding fast and bathed in sweat.
Then I realize that my bed feels wet. Embarrassingly I wet the bed. The immense fear I felt while sleeping made me pee in bed at my age. I try to wake Megan to help me with this mess, but I realize that Megan isn't the one who sleeps on the sofa bed, it's Teddy. My heart skips a beat.
At first glance she looks peaceful, she's like an angel sleeping. But looking more closely I can see the lines on her forehead, she is stressed even in her sleep.
I try to call a nurse, but I can't see any at the station outside my room. With care and pain still in the ribs I try to sit up on bed, but the pain makes me fall again stifling a groan. I try to find the button to call the nurses, but I can't find it anywhere.
"Owen, what do you need?" I hear Teddy's sleepy voice ask.
"Nothing, nothing, go back to sleep."
She sits on the bed rubbing her eyes. "Do you need me to help you with something? Do you want me to call a nurse?"
"No, I'm ok. Go back to sleep." I insist. I feel so ashamed that she realizes that I've wet the bed.
She seems not to buy the story and gets out of bed going next to me. For a moment she brings her hand to my head, but stops midway and takes her hand back. "Does something hurt? Is it your rib? Your head?" She asks me with her beautiful and sweet voice.
I sigh defeated. "Just, can you call a nurse? I…" I lift the covers from my legs.
She doesn't seem surprised, nor does she seem to judge me, or anything. She smiles at me sweetly and squeezes my arm. "I'll go for clean covers and a clean gown."
Between her and a nurse they help me to change and change the sheets of my bed and in no time I am clean, dry and comfortable again.
"It was a nightmare." I justify myself with Teddy as she adjusts my pillows.
"Hey, it's fine. It was an accident." She assures me.
She is so close to me. I can smell her perfume. Jasmine. Tentatively I rub her belly with the top of my fingers, I notice how she tenses under my practically imperceptible touch. Looks at my hand and although at first she doubts it, she ends up wrapping my hand with her soft and warm hand, sending electric currents throughout my body. "It's okay, Owen. Everything will be fine, you'll see. Now rest. Tomorrow will be a new day."
She turns off the headlight and goes back to sleep too.
TEDDY
The first night with Owen was... interesting. If I close my eyes I can still feel the warmth of his fingers through the thin fabric of my pajamas barely brushing my belly. I would've liked him to place his hand completely there, our baby was kicking like crazy, I would've wanted him to feel it and see his reaction.
The following days were so different though. He had started his therapies to treat his PTSD and his memory loss, so his emotions were out of control. He had episodes of nightmares practically every time he slept, even if he was sedated and when he was awake he spent a lot of time locked in his own mind, silently, looking at nothing.
One night I'm awaken by a voice. It's Owen, he's speaking in his sleep. At first I can't understand what he says. When I finally understand my heart breaks into a thousand pieces, he cries and begs to stop.
Suddenly his eyes snap open, his gaze is empty and his pupils are dilated. I have no idea how the events happen, but when I react we're on the floor, Owen on top of me squeezing my face and sinking his nails.
I scream for help and at the same time ask him to stop. Then his hands go straight to my neck constricting it with superhuman strength. I can't keep screaming anymore. He is much stronger than me. I try to hit him and pinch him, but it's useless.
I know he's out of his mind, I can see it in his empty eyes, but I still want him to stop. I need him to stop. The strength of his hands around my neck weakens me more and more, and the weight of his body on mine, on my belly, makes me fear for our baby.
Just as I'm losing the battle, a group of nurses quickly enters the room, taking Owen off me. If it would've taken another minute, maybe it could've been fatal.
OWEN
I wake up again with a nightmare, but this time it's different from all the ones I've had before. There're people around me, holding me down to bed, what I see later paralyzes me.
Teddy is on the floor, coughing weakly, her face and neck are red. A nurse brings a stretcher and between two others lifts her from the floor.
"Teddy, Teddy!" I scream and fight with the nurses, until I can't fight anymore and whatever they have given me plunges me into a deep sleep.
When I wake up I feel disoriented, I don't know how long I've slept, the blindfolds are completely closed and the light in the room is on, I don't know if outside is day or night. My mother is next to me reading a book.
"Mom, Teddy, where is Teddy?" It's the first thing that can come out of my mouth.
My mother gets up from her seat immediately. "Calm down, she's fine." She assures me.
"And the baby?"
"The baby is fine too, both are. She is resting in the OB's wing, Dr. Montgomery has decided to leave her for a few hours to rest and recover from the fright."
"I can't believe what I did." I say with sorrow.
"That was not your fault, Owen." My mother convinces me. "We all know it, she knows it and she understands it. She doesn't blame you for anything, nor is she upset. Trust me."
I try to believe her, but I need to be convinced. I need to hear it from her. "I want to see her. I need to see her."
"I don't think it's the best moment, both you and she must rest, these days have drained the both of you for a lifetime."
"Please, mom!" I insist.
In the end she agrees and takes me in a wheelchair to the OB wing where Teddy is. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, she is asleep. But still I ask my mother to enter her room.
She is so deep and peacefully asleep that I fear that even my presence can wake her up. Now her face looks serene, without that frown on her forehead. My heart breaks when I notice the marks of my hands around her neck and my nails on her beautiful face.
I may not remember her, I may not remember what we are, what we went through and what we were; but I do feel that I care and I cannot simply ignore what I did, although I didn't act consciously and although I don't remember her.
"I'm sorry, please forgive me." I mutter. And at that moment I swear myself I'll do everything to remember her.
TEDDY
After resting for a few hours, Dr. Montgomery finally discharges me. Luckily it was only a scare, both me and the baby are fine but I must continue to rest to avoid further complications in the remainder of pregnancy.
I can't stop thinking about what happened, it was a few frightening seconds, but I know it wasn't Owen's intention. Again, all the reasons why he is in this state come to my mind; Torture, violence, fear. I can't blame him, much less hate him for what he did. On the contrary, I must support him, I promised to do so.
Megan was a hero bringing me a scarf, huge sunglasses and makeup to cover the marks on my face and around my neck a little. She looked so worried, even when I told her everything was fine, that it was Owen's crisis.
I leave my room and go to the elevators, I doubt whether to press the button for the lobby or go down to the next floor to see Owen before I leave. In the end, the decision is made by a person who enters after me and presses just the button for the floor below.
I walk with a trembling step to Owen's room, I don't know what state he will be in now. I don't know if he will be asleep, in the middle of a crisis or if he will be able to talk to me or even remember what happened last night.
When I think less, I'm already at the threshold of his room. He is watching a movie on the TV, but from his eyes I know he is not paying attention to what he sees.
"Batman dies at the end." I say in an attempt to start a casual conversation.
He jumps slightly when he hears my voice, turns his gaze to me, his eyes open like saucers. He is speechless.
"I'm kidding, that's not even a Batman movie." I add, but he's still speechless. "Sorry, I shouldn't have interrupted you, it would be better for me to le—"
"No, wait!" He finally speaks. I tentatively walk to his bed and stand beside him, although at a considerable distance. "How do you feel? How are you and the baby?" He asks me, sounding truly worried.
"I'm fine, baby is fine." I answer by rubbing my belly slightly. "It was just a scare, more impressive than it really was."
"Teddy, I'm so, so, so sorry. I swear that I—"
I take his hand and he goes silent. I sit next to him in bed facing him and I smile softly. "Owen, what happened was not your fault. As I told you, we are fine, the baby is kicking like crazy." I chuckle. "It's okay, I don't want you to worry about this. Now I'll go home and rest, it's all I have to do."
"I don't want you to go like this." He tells me. "You have just been discharged, you need to sleep..." He looks at my baby bump hanging there his gaze a little too much, then does something that I didn't expect, but I had wanted for a long time now. He places his hand there, right where our baby is stretching and kicking. "…And the baby needs sleep."
He looks at my belly with such sweetness and runs his hand through all of it that for a minute I don't care about everything that happens around us. "I doubt he or she plans to sleep soon." I whisper, fearing to raise my voice too much and break this beautiful moment.
I dreamed of this moment from the beginning, I wish that Owen had been there when it happened the first time. But he is here now, and his look and expression compensates for the pain of not having him with me that first time.
"Do you know if it's a boy or a girl?" He asks me without looking up from my bump.
"No, I didn't want to know. But we can still know, if you want."
He looks up at me smiling like an excited child, making everything inside me melt even more with love for him. Deep down I know that most likely that smile is due solely to the baby, and not to me, but at least that comforts me. I came to think that he wouldn't want the baby since he doesn't remember me, I can deal with the rest as long as he loves the baby. He or she is a little innocent who deserves nothing but love. "No, I want it to be a surprise too." He confesses and surprises me, I would think he would want to know sex, but somehow it makes me feel excited that we are going to have this little surprise to look forward.
"Then a surprise will be." I answer. "Megan swears it will be a baby boy."
"Really? Why?"
"According to her because I am glowing and because of the shape of my bump, because it's high and pointy. I don't know where she got that from, she's a doctor! And I don't know where she sees the glow or the pointy bump, I'm just a huge ball." I laugh and make him laugh at him too.
He looks at me, as if analyzing my face. His expression is soft and he smiles warmly. His typical expression before he is about to tell me something that will make everything inside me shake. "Well, I wouldn't know if you're really glowing, but I can say you're very beautiful. I say it with all due respect! You are really very beautiful."
I feel a little embarrassed for his words, almost as embarrassed as I was when he told me for the first time that he loved me. I feel that my face is on fire and I am ashamed to see him in my eyes.
"Teddy, I'm sorry."
"No, it's ok!"
"No, I'm not saying that because of what I said. I wouldn't apologize for something that is true. I say it for… I'm sorry I can't remember you, I'm sorry I forgot you."
"You know that is not your fault."
He smiles at me tightly, resigned. "Tell me about us, how we met, how we got together."
"Owen, I can't tell you that, the psychiatrist—"
"I know, I know." He interrupts me. "I know he ordered not to tell me anything. But that won't be telling me my memories, that would be telling me about you, I want to meet you… again." He is so insistent and I'm so hurt because he doesn't remind me that I say, fuck it, and I tell him things I shouldn't.
I tell him about me, about my life in New York, how I decided to go to medical school, how college was. I don't tell him much about my parents nor Allison though, or the reason behind my decision to enlist in the army. But he listens to everything I say with such attention and patience that reminds me of those days when we spent hours talking and he always listened to me and I always listened to him, always interested in what the other had to say.
When it is time to talk about us I decide that it is better to skip most of it. It's something huge to talk right now, I don't want it to be like this, I would like to wait a little longer. So I just tell him how we met. I don't tell him how we started dating after he broke up with Beth and after much longing. I don't tell her how I found out I was pregnant, nor how it was the day he disappeared. But I do tell him how it was after, how difficult and painful the days were after, how the pregnancy was so complicated the first months that I was practically sick in bed all the time. And how I expected his return every day, how I never lost faith, for him, and for our baby.
I can tell how he is touched by my story. I know it, his mind may forget me, but his eyes don't lie to me. "I swear by everything I love. I swear by our baby that I will do my best to remember you again. To remember what we were and what we are." He promises me with such conviction that he makes much of the fear I feel over this situation to disappear.
We look into each other's eyes for a moment. We are so far and yet so close physically. I can feel the heat of his breath on my face, I can see the marks on his face, old scars, new bruises, I see the war on his face. And we get closer, I can almost taste his lips.
"OWEN!"
The spell is broken. I turn to the door to see who it is and all the blood in my body falls at my feet. It's Beth. I look at Owen, he smiles brightly. My heart breaks.
"Beth!" Owen says her name with such enthusiasm that it makes me want to cry.
She acts as if I wasn't in the room, or as if she and Owen were still something. Although well, in Owen's mind they still are.
I get out of bed giving them space, feeling the lack of Owen's heat next to me and of his hand on my belly.
"I... I think I should go." I mutter, but they don't hear my words. They are in their own world, a world in which I don't exist…