Veronica POV
I spent the night tossing and turning, finally falling asleep around three in the morning. My mind was a relentless cacophony of what-ifs and should-haves. Seeing Logan again, being that close to him, it devastated my senses. Everything about him is exactly as I remember and yet completely different. The man I met last night was like Logan times a thousand.
It was too much, and I was still attempting to put my thoughts in order when Piz showed up. I am filled with regret that I agreed to try dating again. Angry at myself over it. It was another example of me doing what is expected rather than what I want. I should have kept strict friend boundaries. I should have kept everything in the friend zone. I know from experience that it won't work. Piz likes the toned-down version of me, the one who doesn't get a high from solving mysteries or use sarcasm as a weapon. He's never really seen the real me, and the few glimpses he's gotten have always proven that I am not his cup of tea. Unlike Logan, who seems to always embrace all parts of me, the good and the bad.
When Piz showed up, I found myself at a loss. He demanded an answer for my absence, no longer content to just let me do my thing and respect my need for privacy. I tried to be nice, but then he had to push me about Logan.
Flashback
Logan's eyes shift slightly, and his entire body stiffens. I turn towards the doorway and notice Piz standing beside Mike. My attention shifts from Logan to Piz and I notice the tightness around his eyes, the hard set of his jaw as he takes in the scene before him. I may not be in love with Piz, but he's been good to me.
I smile brightly and move away from Logan. There are still things that Logan and I need to discuss and figure out, but I owe Piz an explanation.
Logan moves towards the door, obviously trying to escape unnoticed. I desperately want to call out to him, beg him to stay, but instead, I maintain my focus on Piz.
"Hi." My voice is soothing, still trying to be the perfect girlfriend even though I'm about to break it off with him. There's no hint of the tension between Logan and me that was just on display.
"Veronica." Piz wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me in for a hug, squeezing a little tighter than he normally does; almost as if he thought I was slipping away. He leans down for a kiss, but I turn my head slightly so his lips land on my cheek. "What is going on?"
"Let's sit down. I have a lot to tell you." I pull away and take a seat on the couch that Logan had been sitting on earlier. The faint scent of Logan's cologne still lingers and I breathe it in deeply. The scent helps to firm my conviction that Piz and I are over.
Piz's eyes are narrowed and he regards me warily as he sits beside me on the couch. "What is going on?" He repeats himself, his voice indignant, arms crossed.
"I...Someone is threatening Logan and me." Stumbling over my words, I rush to explain. "Do you remember that fight at Hearst? The guy Logan beat up for the sex tape?" He nods, waving his hand for me to continue. "Well, he made a threat to Logan that day. The other day, when I came back to the apartment, I found pictures of Logan and a note threatening Logan's life."
His eyes widening and mouth dropping open in shock for a moment, Piz quickly rallies and asks for further details. I relay the information we've sussed out, quick and concise. How it isn't Gorya Sorokin, the guy from Hearst. I also tell him about Logan's and my belief that they sent the pictures not just as a threat to Logan, but also as a threat to me. Piz is silent through the entire tale, nodding occasionally.
When I finally finished bringing him up to speed, he tilted his head back to stare at the ceiling.
"So you and Logan are going to try to find out who sent the photos and stop them before they do anything to either of you." It's a statement devoid of the emotion swirling in his eyes, not a question, but I nod anyway. "And then Logan is going to go home and you and I will continue our life."
I can't help but cringe at his mention of "our" life. It's not my life, it's my beard. I've been using him, trying to be someone I'm not. I don't want to hurt him, but I can't keep living this lie.
"Ummm, I'm going to stay here with Mike." Piz looks at me sharply, opening his mouth to protest, but I cut him off. "Whoever is after us knows where I live. I'm hoping that they don't know about Mike because I haven't really told many people about him."
"But then you'll be home." He is persistent.
"No. Piz, you mean a lot to me, but I need to be on my own right now. I have a lot to figure out and it's not fair to you to ask you to hang around while I do that."
"I don't mind waiting for you to figure things out." Always so considerate, willing to do whatever I need. It should be a match made in heaven, but he's still lacking those certain qualities that make my pulse race. He's not Logan.
"I can't ask you to do that. Please, can we go back to being friends?" My eyes plead with him to let me go.
"Are you going back to him?" His voice is rough with suppressed anger.
"What? No, that's not what this is about. He's only here because of the threat. Once we figure this out, he'll be back to his own life with his girlfriend." My voice is steady despite the heavy mantle of despair that threatens at the thought of Logan leaving. I just got him back, I'm not ready to let him go yet.
Piz looks deeply into my eyes, trying to determine if I'm lying to him or myself. Seeing my resolve, his own eyes fill with tears.
"It's always going to be him. I thought you were over him, but he shows up, crooks his finger, and you're willing to throw it all away. Throw away everything we've built together." His body trembles with poorly disguised anguish. His eyes are glassy with tears.
"I told you, this isn't about Logan. This is about me. I'm not in a good place right now. Piz, you have been such a great friend to me and I don't want to hurt you. I just can't be what you want or need. I'm sorry, but I can't be with you." I try to take his hand, but he pulls back abruptly.
Standing, he glares at me. "Lie to yourself all you want, but I know what I saw." His voice cracks. "I hope you and he are very happy."
With that, he walks out of Mike's house. I slump down on the couch, feeling relieved to have ended things.
End Flashback
I am sorry to lose a friend, but Mike is right, I was wrong to try a relationship with Piz again. It never would have worked. Now I'm stuck having to find another place to live. Not to mention that I'm still going to have to deal with Wallace's reaction when he finds out that I dumped Piz again. It's his own fault, since he knew how reluctant I was in the first place. However, that will be a worry for another day. For now, I know I can stay here with Mike and hopefully I can convince Logan to stay here as well. When he left last night, I was so distracted with Piz; I didn't notice at first. As soon as Piz was gone, I looked around for him, but I knew it was a futile search. He slipped out while I was ending my relationship. I console myself with the thought he would have to come back.
I wander around the house, keeping my distance from Mike, not wanting to get into a conversation. The day has been endless with the emotional turmoil. I understand why Logan would feel like he needed to leave, but I wish that he hadn't. Not being able to see him and know that he's safe is like being without light. My thoughts move to a dark place. What if he just leaves? What if I don't get a chance to say goodbye this time either? He has his own life and I can't expect him to stay. Yet he said we would work through this together. I had to hope that he meant it. It was a start and maybe through this we can regain the friendship we once had. I won't allow myself to hope for more than that though.
Mike finally stops me in my endless wandering of the house. While I am distracted, Mike isn't afflicted by the same problem. He informs me that Logan is, indeed, safely in his hotel for the night. Seeing the wear of the day on me, he forces me to go to bed, but I know I will have a hard time sleeping, my head so full of Logan. I won't really rest until I can see him again. How did I manage these past nine years?
Being with Logan again is infuriating, terrifying, and so completely right in a way that nothing has been for a very long time.
I have to keep reminding myself that he is not here for me, that he has a girlfriend. We are not together and I need to keep my distance. We will solve this case and then we will go back to our separate lives. At the thought of going back to this half-life I've been living, pretending to be someone I'm not, staying away from the one person I love more than anything in this world, silent tears slip down my face.
As much as it shames me to admit, I, Veronica Mars, cry myself to sleep pining for a man that I lost through my own stupidity.
When I wake up, the house is silent. I glance in Mike's room only to find the bed made and empty. Thinking he is just downstairs, I pad down to the kitchen, still in my pajamas. Only silence meets my call for my friend.
I can feel the panic begin to set in. Before I can work myself up into a blind panic, I hear the front door open and voices float into the house. Mike and Logan. I practically run from the kitchen and skid to a stop at the sight of Logan in the morning.
He's wearing dark jeans again, paired with a forest green button-down shirt that shows off his broad shoulders and flat abs. I am overwhelmed with the desire to rip the buttons apart so I could run my hands over that chiseled chest, feeling the changes wrought in him since the last time I saw him. His dark gaze penetrates me and heat suffuses my cheeks at my thoughts.
He's only here for the case. Nothing else.
Disappointment wells up, but I keep my face impassive, showing nothing of the turmoil and lust roiling inside of me. Logan continues to stare, and I realize I am still in my pajamas, my hair a mess from my tossing and turning.
"Morning Pixie-chick." Mike's cheerful greeting breaks through my reverie. His face sliding into a knowing smirk and I want to smack him. He knows me too well to not have noticed my reaction to Logan. I don't know if I should be thankful or sad that Logan doesn't know me that well anymore. There was a time when just looking at him would be enough for him to pull me into his arms and kiss me. Now there is just a distance between the two of us. Nine years of distance. I don't even know how to begin to bridge that.
Focus on the case Veronica, he'll be gone soon enough.
"Morning. Coffee?" My voice is raspy, and my lack of caffeine is beginning to make me cranky. I eye the cup in Mike's hand hopefully. Yes, must have coffee, that's why I'm so off-center seeing Logan. Once I have some coffee, I'll be able to deal with him.
"I knew we were forgetting something Logan." Logan's eyes crinkle as he smiles at Mike, enjoying his antics. My breath catches at the sight. It's been too long since I saw him actually smile. Logan is the son of two actors, and he knows how to mask his emotions. I've seen him smile in so many different ways, but only one is real. That smile is rare, it lights up his eyes making them glow amber brown. It's a smile that warms you, makes you feel safe. I love that smile.
Glancing away before he can see the awe in my face, I reach for the coffee in Mike's hand. He pulls it up out of my reach and I have to stretch on my tippy toes to grab it from him. As I return to the floor with my prize, I realize my tank top has ridden up, exposing my midriff, and I tug it down with my free hand.
A sharp gasp brings my attention to Logan. His eyes have darkened, and a shudder runs through him. He avoids my gaze, his eyes darting around the room. He looks up at the ceiling and draws in a deep breath.
"Mike said I should stay here." His voice is shaky like he's afraid of my reaction.
I nod, "You should. It'll be safer if we're together."
He glances down at me through his eyelashes and nods before looking away again. "I should get my stuff from the hotel. My reservation was only until tomorrow anyway."
I glance at Mike, who smiles slyly at me. I know he's trying to manipulate the situation, but Logan staying here really is for the best. At least until we figure out who's after him. I wave a hand towards my pajamas. "Let me get dressed and we can go together to check you out of the hotel."
"Okay." I head up the stairs to grab a quick shower, leaving Mike to give Logan the tour of the house. While I have stayed here frequently over the years, it is not my house. Although I guess with breaking up with Piz, I'm going to have to reconsider Mike's offer to stay. I hate the idea of taking something that I haven't earned, but I also enjoy having a roof over my head. Studying for the bar doesn't leave a lot of time for working, and I really can't afford a place on my own.
I rush through my shower, eager to be back with Logan even if everything feels stilted between us. I wonder if we'll ever be able to get to a place where we can talk like we once did. I call Wallace my BFF, but there are parts of me he doesn't know, couldn't know because he came into my life after Lilly died. The same goes for Mike. He may be my closest friend these days and I've shared everything with him, but it is not the same as being with someone who was there. Mike knows about the roof with Cassidy, but Logan lived it with me. He's the one who saved me.
When I come back downstairs, Logan and Mike are sitting in the kitchen, drinking coffee. Logan talking quietly with an intense look on his face. Neither of them notice me, so I hang back outside the doorway, listening.
"I didn't know the guy. He was just some asshole, but the way he talked to her, how she let him talk to her." Logan sighs angrily. "I just lost it. In some sick way, I think I was trying to make up for being that guy. The one who declared it open season on her, let her be hurt. I couldn't stand to just stand by."
It's strange hearing Logan being so open with someone he just met, but then Mike has that effect on people. He broke through my walls. I feel uncomfortable eavesdropping on such a private conversation so I walk into the kitchen cutting off their conversation.
Logan glances up at me, but then looks down into his coffee mug like it holds the answers to everything. I decide not to push the issue, it's obvious that he's uncomfortable being around me and who could blame him. I walked away without a backward glance, and now I'm pulling him into yet another one of my messes. I'm sure he'd rather be at home with his girlfriend or off flying planes. He has a life and I am not a part of that. Pushing for more, no matter how I feel, wouldn't be fair to him. I straighten my shoulders, resolving to be polite but to not force anything more from him than he's willing to give.
"About ready to go?" I'm impressed with how steady my voice is, no betrayal of how I truly feel. Logan nods and stands, putting his coffee mug in the sink. I look at Mike, silently asking him to stay. His answering smile says he understands.
"I've got some stuff to take care of so I'll just stay here." A pained look crosses Logan's face before he schools his features into his indifferent mask. I get that he doesn't want to be here, but does the thought of being alone with me pain him that much? I swallow down the sarcastic remark that comes to mind, knowing that it won't help the situation and is just a product of my defenses. If I want Logan to work with me on this, then I'm going to have to let him take the lead on how we interact.
Of course, that doesn't extend to letting him wander off alone again. The thought of him leaving on his own causes my heart rate to increase. It's just because he's in danger, not because I can't stand the thought of him leaving at all.
"Do you want to walk or take a cab?" I look up at him sharply, surprised that he's not fighting me on this. "I'd rather take a cab since it's safer, but it's up to you."
This is new. In the past, he would have told me what to do when it came to his fears around my safety. Instead, he's making his feelings known, but trusting me to make the decision. I try not to read too much into it, believing that it's more a matter of his concern for his own safety than his desire to protect me. Even after overhearing part of his conversation with Mike, I think it's too much to hope that he still feels protective of me specifically. It's more just a part of who he is, he can't help trying to save people.
"Cab is fine."
He nods and motions for me to lead the way out of the house. I snag my purse from where I left it on the entryway table. Outside, I hail a cab with a shrill whistle. Logan looks impressed and I smile slightly at him.
We're silent the entire cab ride, careful to keep a distance between us as we sit in on the bench seat. I can feel the heat radiating from him, making me want to lean into him. It's an uncomfortable ride, the silence heavy with things unsaid. Thankfully, his hotel really isn't far from Mike's place so my torture isn't prolonged.
At the hotel I offer to wait in the lobby, but my suggestion is met with a frown.
"We agreed it's safer if we're together." His words are curt.
"And we're in the same building." Countering his argument, my forehead wrinkling with my own frown. "You've only been here a day, how long can it take you to pack your stuff up?"
Shut up, Veronica. Just shut up.
The truth is that I'm afraid to be alone with him in a room with a bed. I can try to deny it all I want. Remind myself that he has a girlfriend and doesn't care about me anymore at least in that way. But the fact of the matter is that I am wildly attracted to him. I just don't trust myself. We haven't even hugged or touched other than a brief brush of his arm against mine last night, but my body is still thrumming with anticipation, with desire. Like I told Mike, the physical side of our relationship was never the problem with Logan and I. I felt the tension between us last night and it's still there today. It would be a mistake to give in to it, though. As amazing as it would be, I can't settle for a one-night stand with Logan Echolls. I want...I can't finish that thought, I won't.
We stand in the lobby facing off, neither one of us wanting to give in. Our silent fight interrupted by the desk clerk calling out Logan's name.
"Mr. Echolls?" The clerk is a pock faced guy in his early twenties. His hair is greasy and lays lank against his shoulders. His professional tone seems out of place with his slovenly appearance. Logan draws a deep breath, turning to face the clerk, acknowledging him with a nod. The clerk seems to shrink into himself at the sight of Logan's angry, flushed face. "Someone dropped this off for you."
He holds out a padded yellow envelope as Logan strides to the desk, snatching it from his trembling hand. I stand silently, waiting to take back up our fight, while he looks over the envelope trying to figure out who it's from. Muttering to himself, "No one knows where I am." he rips open the envelope and peers inside. His face pales. I take a step towards him as he turns dark wild eyes on me. I reach out a hand for the envelope, but Logan grabs it instead and starts pulling me to the stairs.
I try to pull my hand from his grip, but it's too tight. "Logan, Logan, Logan Stop!" My voice rises while I struggle to get his attention. I have no idea what was in that envelope, but I'm not going to be dragged around like a rag doll.
"No." His voice is rough as he continues to pull me up the steps. He refuses to let go of my hand, so resigned, I try to keep up as he practically runs up the four flights of stairs to his room. I guess the stairs are faster than the elevator?
"You're scaring me." He ignores me while he pushes a door open and continues pulling me down a gloomy hallway. He fishes in his pocket for his room key with the hand not keeping a vise grip on my own. When we're in the room, he lets go and leans against the door, his breath coming in anxious spurts, his eyes darting around the room for danger. Satisfied that the small room doesn't hide any surprises, he fixes me with a cautious stare, as if he's trying to figure out how to approach a wild animal. After all this, does he think I'm going to make a break for it? I want to know what's in that envelope cause whatever it is, it has him terrified.
"Logan, what's going on?" He takes a deep breath, trying to calm himself. I take a step closer to him, but he holds up a hand to stop me. His gaze is intense, chocolate eyes begging me to give him a minute.
"Give me the fucking envelope Logan." I don't have the patience to wait while he works through his freak out. I reach for it again, my fingertips grasping the edge, tugging gently. This time he relinquishes his hold on it, dropping his head back against the door with a frustrated growl.
I look inside, glancing up at him in confusion. "I don't get it." There appears to be yellow strands in the envelope. I reach in and notice a scrap of paper with a few words.
"Thanks for making this easier. Can't wait to get the rest."
It's a threat, but one that I really don't understand or see why it would be causing such a strong reaction in Logan.
I turn over the envelope looking for some clue, but it's just a normal packing envelope. I pull out a piece of the yellow strands. It's fine and silky. I stare at it, rubbing my fingers over it a few times. I glance up at Logan hoping for a clue, but he's already shoved away from the door, his hands running through his hair in agitation. He gathers up his stuff, throwing it into a duffle with no regard for order or folding. I drop the strand back into the envelope, still puzzled. He's ignoring me as he frantically packs. I start to take things out, folding a shirt, but he snatches it out of my hand and throws it back in the bag.
"Leave it. We have to get out of here." Tension radiates from him, his body stiff.
"Logan, what is going on. What is that?" He shakes his head, continuing to throw things in the bag. Did he unpack the entire thing expecting to stay for more than a day or two? "Talk to me, please, you're really freaking me the fuck out."
Finally, he stops his frenzied packing and stares at me. "It means I made a mistake coming here."