A/N: Ok, two things. Firstly I want to say thank you to everyone who is already following this story. Someone said yesterday that they were super busy but were making the time to read this whenever they could which was really touching so thank you so much.

Secondly, I'm not really sure why I felt like I needed to say this but mental health wasn't something I went into great detail about in my first story. I think, should any of what happened in this story be realistic which it obviously isn't, there would be mental repercussions for both of them. So I did feel it important to make it a part of this story, especially because the main characters are men. It's not any less masculine to have anxiety or emotions. A review I got on Renovations really stuck with me and I won't go into detail about it but anyone can be affected by anything even in little ways and not everyone seems to appreciate that.

That was a load of blabbering but it's something I wanted to say. Enjoy the chapter :D

Chapter 10

Arthur stood beside the taxi he'd just got out of, staring at the building in front of him. He lent down and said through the open window, "Give me ten minutes? I'll pay you double for the time."

The driver nodded and Arthur walked into the hospital quickly.

"Hi," he said to the person at the fist desk he came to which actually had someone working there. It was very, very late at night and the place was practically empty, "I was wondering if you could tell me which ward Merlin P- Pendragon is on?"

"Of course," she typed something and then asked, "What's his date of birth?"

Arthur fired it off immediately. The next four words out the receptionist's mouth made his heart sink, "He's in the ICU."

"What?"

She looked at him sympathetically, "You are aware it's not visiting hours?"

"I'm his husband, I've been… away."

"Well you can go and ask. Do you know the way?"

Arthur nodded, "Thanks for your help."

He made his way to the ICU and buzzed the button to be let in. He had to practically beg to be allowed in but eventually someone who had apparently recognised the name told whoever was on the other side of the intercom to let Arthur in.

A doctor met him on his way in and Arthur immediately said, "Tell me everything, please."

"Merlin has severe bacterial pneumonia. He was transferred here last night from a ward upstairs. He's on antibiotics, fluids and a ventilator."

"Will be alright?"

"He should be. Do you want to see him quickly?"

"Is anyone else there?"

"No."

Arthur nodded, "Then yes, please."

"I can't let you stay, though."

"No, I understand. Just five minutes."

The doctor led Arthur down the corridor and opened one of the doors. "The bed on your right at the far end."

"Thank you," Arthur walked down the aisle between the beds until he got to the one he'd been directed to. He was glad Merlin was asleep. He didn't think he'd have been able to face him awake.

Merlin looked so weak and vulnerable but yet also strong. Arthur was immediately filled with battling emotions and he expressed them through his tears and shaking hands. With a tentative step forward Arthur took Merlin's pale hand, "I'm so sorry." Merlin didn't move.

Arthur bent down and kissed Merlin on the forehead, allowing a few of his tears to fall into Merlin's hair then down his temple. He stroked Merlin's cheek gently, "I love you. I'll always love you with every part of me. I'm sorry."

Arthur straightened his back and with one last squeeze of Merlin's hand, left. On the way out, he quickly stopped and asked the doctor to ring his house if there were any changes, explaining that he wouldn't be able to come in again for a while. Then, he exited the department, left the hospital and got back into the taxi.

Merlin woke up to a strange, wet feeling on his forehead. After nearly a week in hospital, he was more than accustomed to the feeling of sweat, so why did it feel so different this time? And why was there tingling sensation in his hand and on his cheek? He nearly reached out to the button which would call for a nurse before he realised that he wasn't scared by the feelings. He was content and happy.

It was coming up a month since Arthur had left him in Ireland all alone, and Merlin hadn't felt any sort of contentment in all that time. Until then. What on earth had happened to provoke such emotion?

A nurse came in to do some check-ups on all the patients and when she saw that Merlin was awake, asked him if he wanted something to help him sleep. Merlin shook his head gently, not wanting to miss a minute of this new, pleasant sensation. If he fell asleep and woke up missing it, he'd be devastated. Besides, he didn't have to be up early for anything so he could sleep through the day if he really needed to.

So, Merlin lay back and closed his eyes, focusing on the calming tingling inside him. He didn't fall asleep until the feelings had passed and been replaced with pain once more. Merlin wondered if he'd ever know what had caused it.

He woke up late the next morning to Morgana looking at him with the deepest concern. Merlin reached for the pen and paper he'd been using to communicate and scribbled, 'What?'

"You slept for hours. I was worried."

Merlin pulled a face, 'Didn't Lance talk to you about babying?'

Morgana slapped him, "I wouldn't do that to a baby," she said, "I was concerned, it's not the same."

'I'm fine,' Merlin wrote.

Morgana hummed, "And don't you look it?" she muttered sarcastically.

'Time?' he scribbled down.

Morgana looked at her watch, "Half eleven."

Merlin raised an eyebrow.

"Come on, then. Out with it. Why did you sleep so late?"

'I'm ill,' Merlin wrote.

"You were awake all day yesterday no problem and don't look any worse now. So it's not because you're ill."

'Sorry Sherlock Holmes. I didn't know you'd become a doctor.'

"Merlin! Tell me the truth. Do you feel ill?"

'Not any more than yesterday," he wrote, 'Can't I just be tired?'

"I know it's something more."

'You'll think I'm insane,' Merlin wrote, 'I promise it's nothing to worry about.' He put the pen down and looked away.

"Merlin," Morgana tapped her foot for a while impatiently, "What's going on? You'd tell Arthur."

Merlin snapped his head back to look at her again, eyes ablaze with a message that didn't need to be spoken or written. Arthur wasn't there.

"Merlin, I didn't- I just- it's- he's not here but you still need someone. So if I have to be that someone then I will be, gladly. Just until he comes back."

Merlin picked up the pen again slowly and wrote, 'I think he might be.'

"Be what?"

'Back.'

"What do you mean?"

'Someone was here last night. I'm sure of it. Really, really late. And you were all here through the day so it wasn't anyone else.'

"Let me ask someone at the nursing desk. Two seconds."

She returned to Merlin a few seconds later with a pale face, looking stunned. She sank into the chair and took Merlin's hand, "You were right. He was here."

Merlin immediately began sobbing uncontrollably. Morgana was too shocked to comfort him so a nurse had to come over and actually sedate him. He was beginning to wheeze and splutter which, when he was on a ventilator, wasn't great. Once Merlin was asleep, the nurse looked at Morgana, "Are you alright?"

Morgana nodded, "Sorry, excuse me." She stood up, got her phone out and called Leon.

"Morgs. Is everything alright?"

"Erm-"

"Morgana," Leon sounded very concerned.

"Leon," Morgana sat on a chair outside the ward, "Arthur came back."

"What do you mean?"

"He came to the hospital last night. Told the nurses he wanted to be updated but probably wouldn't be coming back in."

"Oh my god."

"What do I do?"

"Have you told Merlin?"

"Yeah. He erm, he's emotional, you might say."

"Well where did Arthur go?"

"He said he wanted to be contacted at home. Should I go over?"

"He didn't come during the day for a reason," Leon mused.

"He needs to know we care, Leon."

"Ask your dad to go?"

"No. It has to be one of us. And aside from Merlin, I'm the closest to him. But maybe he needs more of a friend talk than an emotional sister talk."

"I think someone has to go," Leon decided, "He won't be ok at home by himself after everything that's happened."

"But who do we send?"

"Not Gwaine," Leon said, "He'd beat him to a pulp. And not Percival. He's awful at talking to anyone."

"I think it has to be either you or Lance."

"Lance," Leon said, "I think he's the most understanding of both of them. And I'm at work, anyway"

"I'll call him," Morgana said, "Don't say anything to anyone else."

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah," Morgana sighed, "I think so."

"Do you want me to come and pick you up? I can leave the kids in the office with Gwen and Elyan."

"No, it's alright. And it's probably best if Merlin doesn't wake up alone."

"Ok, I'll see you later. Love you."

"Love you." Morgana put her phone down and decided to get herself a cup of coffee before calling Lancelot.

Once she'd got her drink, she left the hospital and walked around for a bit before finding a bench to sit on and getting her phone out once more, considering how she was going to do this, "Lancelot?"

"Good morning, Morgana. Is everything alright?"

"We need you to do something."

"What's the matter?"

"Are you alone?"

"Well, William's here but Gwen's at work."

"That's alright. Right," Morgana sighed, "Arthur came to see Merlin last night."

"Say again?"

"He's here, he's come back."

"I knew he would. Is he at the hospital?"

"No. He told the nurses on shift last night to call him at home if anything happened because he won't be coming in to visit. I wish I knew what was going on in his head."

Lancelot hummed, "Did he say anything to Merlin?"

"No, he only stayed a couple of minutes to find out what was going on. Merlin was asleep."

"What do you need me to do, then?"

"Leon and I think you should go and talk to him. If that's alright with you. Someone will have to at some point and Merlin knows he's here. Once he's allowed out of hospital, he'll want to go home to Arthur. So we have to make sure Arthur's up to it. He has to trust us again. That'll take time."

"Yeah. Yeah, ok. I'll go."

"Please don't mention this to anyone. He came when no one else would be there for a reason. He clearly doesn't want anyone knowing he's here so we have to respect that as much as possible from now on."

"Ok."

"You can drop William off with Leon at work on your way," Morgana suggested, "He'll keep him out the way of Gwen so she doesn't question you later. Just pick him up on the way home."

"Will do. Thanks for letting me know. I'll be in touch later."

"Great, thanks, Lancelot."

Morgana quickly finished her coffee, put the cup in the bin and returned to the ICU. She had to explain to the nurses vaguely what had happened.

"Is he likely to continue being agitated?"

"Probably."

"We'll have to keep him sedated, then," the nurse said, "I'm sorry."

"No, it's alright. I understand."

"It'll just be for a few days until he's stronger and he'll be able to cope physically with any mental issues. If he gets upset and-"

"It's ok. Could I ask a favour, though? If Merlin's husband comes in to visit, could you let me know? He's my brother and I'm worried about him."

"Of course. Will you be staying?"

Morgana shook her head, "I'm meant to be at work."

Lancelot stood on the doorstep to Arthur and Merlin's house wondering what on earth he was going to say. He reached a hand out and rang the doorbell before taking a deep breath. He didn't even know how to behave. There was a long pause before he heard footsteps and Arthur opened the door. Lancelot smiled at him warmly.

"How did you know?" Arthur asked.

"The nurses at the hospital mentioned you'd come."

"Oh. Does everyone-"

"Only me, Morgana and Leon."

Arthur nodded, "I suppose you'd like to come in."

"Not if you don't want me to."

"Are you going to tell me I'm a horrible person, an even worse person and I should have stayed away?"

"No. I was going to tell you I understand and I'm glad you're back."

Arthur laughed dryly, "That's worse." He stepped aside and opened the door more so that Lancelot could come in.

Lancelot frowned when he entered the house. Arthur had taken every photo of him and Merlin off the wall, leaving empty nails and large spaces. Lancelot was about to mention it when they entered the kitchen and he found his explanation. Arthur had gathered every single picture from the entire house and put it on the kitchen counter, all facing one seat.

Arthur sighed, "I thought it might help make me feel better."

"Did it?"

"No. Only a thousand times worse. Tea?"

"Please."

"So," Arthur said as he put the kettle on, "Are you my therapist now?"

Lancelot shrugged and they waited in quiet until Arthur handed Lance a cup of tea and took a sip of his own.

"What happened, Arthur? Was it some sort of crazy PMS mood swing? Are you on your period?"

Arthur laughed, "Must have been that."

Lancelot chuckled, "Seriously, though."

"I left because I was being selfish. And I didn't come back because I realised I'd been selfish and I couldn't face it because I'm a coward."

"In what way were you selfish?"

"I was jealous of the way you all cared about each other but not me. I hated how our friendship had changed and wanted it all to go back to how it used to be. I wanted to feel loved again. Then I realised it wasn't fair of me to expect so much of you when you all have families you need to prioritise and all my emotions came out on Merlin all at once because we don't have kids so what was his excuse? As soon as I'd gone, I knew I'd been ridiculously unfair and I knew Merlin would be devastated and I was too much of a coward to come back. I knew at least you would all treat him properly."

"That's not selfish, Arthur. That's understandable. Everything changes and it's hard to deal with when you grow accustomed to how things were before. Especially when you liked how it was before."

"I didn't like it. Merlin was sick, how could I like that?"

"Merlin's always sick," Lancelot brushed him off.

"And when he's sick, and I look after him, he's so much more affectionate."

"Arthur, he's not-"

"A baby? I know. God, he's told me that more times than I can remember. But I can't help worrying about him and I like knowing he appreciates me. I don't 'baby' him anymore. Not after he proved to me just how strong he was. When I was stuck in hospital and he was in that safehouse with the police. He got on just fine. Without me."

Lancelot laughed, "Arthur, why do you think he was able to get on alone?"

"Because he had to?"

"No. Because you needed him to."

Arthur thought about that for a second and Lancelot took the opportunity of silence to say, "He cares about you just as much as you care about him. He survived in that safehouse because when you got out of hospital, you would need him to be able to look after you for once. Relationships work in two ways. When he needed you, you were always there. So when you needed him, he was there too."

"I don't need him to be able to look after me," Arthur said sadly, "I just need him to be there even just to look at. I forgot that," he took a gulp of tea, "He has been there for me since he started working at Camelot. Always. Every hour of every day. And when his father died, I didn't even notice. I could tell there was something different but I just worked him harder. Bullied him even more. I felt that I needed to make it all up to him. For years he did everything for me. I owed it to him to do everything for him. Then I let him down."

"Everyone has a time when their emotions overcome everything else," Lancelot said, "And it's never anything to feel bad about. It happens. You show Merlin so much love he never had time to show you any in return. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you. If you'd seen what being without you did to him, you'd know that."

"I know it already. I'm just a selfish mess of an idiot."

"Yeah," Lancelot laughed, "A bit. I think you're right, though."

"About what?"

"We're not as close as we used to be. And if we don't fix it, it'll tear us all apart permanently."

Arthur looked down sadly, "What do I do now?"

"First, I want you to tell me everything. How you felt, when you started feeling it, where you went and how that changed how you felt. Literally everything."

"So you are my therapist."

"Yes. And if I decide you need an actual professional therapist, you will get one. You might act like some sort of mini-therapist for Merlin, but you can't do that for yourself. So for now, you speak to me."

"And after that? After I've told you everything?"

"You do whatever you think is right."

They sat at Arthur's kitchen table for hours. Lancelot was surprisingly good at listening to everything Arthur said, understanding it and talking him through it, considering how much of a mess he was internally. They drank several kettles full of tea and devoured a full packet of biscuits before they were finished. Turns out, he'd stayed in Ireland and gone to a hotel near to Hunith's house. He spent every day walking to the waterfall, sitting there, thinking for hours before walking back. Every day he'd find a new emotion. A new perspective on what had happened. He listened to every voicemail his friends left but found that they only made him more reluctant to return. They piled on guilt like nothing else in the world.

There had been only two messages that had made him change his mind. Firstly, the first and only message Merlin had left. And second, the one he got from Morgana, three days after Merlin had been taken to hospital.

"He's getting worse, Arthur," she'd said, "So much worse. You took something away from him. It's time to give it back. Give him back his reason to live."