Chapter 9: Pizza and Promises
It was a strange combination of emotions. That inexplicable sense of needing to read everything right away was gnawing at her, urging her to unfold the pages in her hand. However, her instinct to hang onto him for as long as possible was telling her not to. She felt as though each letter she read were another nail in the coffin and when she finished, he'd be lost to her. She sighed as she unfolded the yellow sheets.
Sarah,
Have I ever told you how much I love the way your mind works? I probably haven't, but I do. The way you look at things, the way you can spot a different angle when we're trying to figure out a case together or when you're trying to out maneuver me in a courtroom. There's just something about how you approach things; you see what other people miss.
Your mind has always fascinated me. I never could guess where you would go next when you were analyzing something. You always pick up on the most random, seemingly inconsequential scrap of information and somehow use it to break the case wide open. I should have paid more attention to how you did that. It would have come in handy. Hell, I might even have won a few more cases against you.
What I wouldn't give to be sitting across the desk from you, discussing a case over takeout right now. It would have to be my desk, of course, since yours always looks like the scene of a natural disaster. There were days when I genuinely wondered how Typhoon Mac made it through boot camp. You must have had drill instructors on your six 24/7.
I wish we'd had the chance to eat that day in my loft. I'd been hoping pizza from that place you love so much would have softened the blow of me telling you I was taking the job. Guess I should have waited until after we ate before I brought up the subject. Another mistake to add to the list. I hope you can forgive me someday for telling you off and throwing out the way I did.
I hope AJ appreciates what an asset you are. He'd never be able to keep that place going if he lost both of us.
Take care of yourself, Marine.
I love you,
Harm
She stared down at the paper and felt her heart pounding in her chest. She didn't bother to look at the clock before grabbing her keycard and darting out into the hallway, letter #14 still in her hand.
She crossed the hallway and banged on AJ's door. She was vaguely aware that the building was so silent she'd probably just woken half the floor, but she didn't care. She banged on the door again and heard movement just behind it after a few seconds.
"What in the name of hell is wrong with you, Mac?" AJ asked as he opened the door a moment later.
She pushed into the room without waiting for an invitation and barely registered that he had answered the door with his gun in his hand. He wasn't angry enough to shoot her for waking him. On the other hand, she was moderately tempted to reach for it.
"Harm tried to send me a message," she said as soon as she was inside the room. She went to the small desk and turned the light on before laying the letter out on the surface. "He wrote me letters, like the ones that SEAL Team 2 writes before missions. Most of them have been about him and I and our relationship, but this one, there's a message in it."
"Slow down, Mac. What kind of message?" he walked over to where she stood and looked down at the paper.
"Here," she pointed to the paragraph and gave him a moment to read it. "Harm had bought Chinese food that afternoon, not pizza. I was the one that started the conversation about the job; I could see something was bothering him and I asked him about it, he didn't bring it up. And he didn't tell me off or throw me out; I stormed out because I was mad that he was taking the job. He would not have made these mistakes, especially after making a point of mentioning that I see things that others don't. It's a message; something was wrong," she was speaking so quickly that she wasn't entirely sure AJ was keeping up given that she'd just woken him up and bombarded him with this. "And he doesn't just throw random names into his letters like this. Whatever the message is, he wanted me to tell you about it. Which makes me think you know something you haven't told me."
"How many letters did he write you?" AJ asked evasively without looking up at her.
"Seventeen. This is number fourteen, I haven't read fifteen through seventeen yet. A few letters back, I think it was number nine, he was trying to tell me something in that one too. There was a paragraph where he was almost begging me not to believe anything that I might hear. He said that he didn't want me to question what kind of man he was and to trust that I know him better than to believe what I might hear or be told about him. I just figured it meant that they were asking him to do something that was a little bit on the morally sketchy spectrum, but now I think there was more to it."
"What's the name of the pizza place? Here he says it was your favorite place; where do you usually order from?"
"It's a pub near my apartment, Giant John's Tavern," she told him. "That's the other thing about this letter, I haven't ordered from there in months; GJT's got shut down after the owner was implicated in a sexual assault case a while back."
AJ nodded silently. Mac could have sworn she saw a touch of a grin on his lips. "I have to wake a few people up. Go back to your room and lock the door. Go through the rest of the letters and see if anything else stands out. Let me know if you find anything."
"You know something, don't you?" Mac asked. She was sure whatever was going on, AJ was not as in the dark as he'd been acting.
"For the record, I do appreciate what a valuable asset you are to JAG," he told her.
He definitely knew something. Her temper flared, but she reminded herself that she would likely need his help to find out what the hell was going on. She also needed to remember that he was her boss. At least for the time being. She resolved then and there that if anything that had happened to Harm was because of AJ, she would walk away from JAG and never look back. She also might have to try her hand at beating the hell out of him. She doubted she would be able to do as much damage as she'd like, but she wagered she'd get a few good hits in and breaking his nose would make her feel a little better about things.
She nodded and went back to her room. She immediately grabbed #15 and read as she paced the room, too agitated to settle back into the chair.
Sarah,
I miss you. I know I've said it before, but I can't stop thinking about you and wishing I could talk to you. Maybe you would be able to help me make sense of this mess I signed up for.
Do you remember when we were leaving South America? Just before we got into the taxi, you said something that's been stuck in my head. You said that things are never going to work out between us because we both want to be on top. You were right. We both spend too much time trying to be the alpha in the room. Maybe it's a military training thing. Then again, maybe it's just an us thing. Either way, if it turns out that we get yet another second chance, I want to find a way to change that. I don't know how, but I want to figure it out with you.
I have never felt as lost as I've felt since that last time I saw you. Even when they pulled my wings, I didn't know what I would do with myself if I wasn't able to fly, but I always knew who I was. Without you in my life I don't know who I am anymore, and I have no desire to find out.
I swear to you, I will do everything I can to come back. Don't give up on me.
Take care of yourself, Marine.
I love you,
Harm
She stopped pacing and put her hands on the table as she squeezed her eyes tightly shut. Of course she remembered what she'd said as they were leaving Paraguay. That entire mess was the lynchpin that had been pulled causing her life to crumble in around her.
She reminded herself that she needed to focus. There would be time later for dwelling on mistakes made and trying to put the pieces back together. After putting #15 back in the envelope, she pulled out #16. She didn't take time to be disappointed in the brevity of it.
Sarah,
I so wish you were here, partner. I could use the backup and the emotional support. I'm starting to realize just how bad of an idea this job was. You're officially entitled to say "I told you so" if I ever get to see you again.
I'll do everything I can to give you that chance. I promise.
Take care of yourself, Marine.
I love you,
Harm
She reluctantly pulled #17 from its envelope. This one was longer and she hated the idea of reading through it out of necessity. She skimmed it quickly. Nothing in this letter stood out as a message or a warning, so she tried to push it from her mind and slid it back into the envelope. She would read that one in earnest later. For now, she sent a quick text message to AJ. NOTHING MORE and hit send.
She finally settled into the chair near the window and brought her knees up to her chest. She focused on him, trying to feel that connection that she'd managed when he was lost in the ocean. She was sure he was still alive. She just needed a hint of where. "Come on, Flyboy, help me out here," she whispered.
((AN - The contents of #17 will come in due course, but now is not the time... I wouldn't leave you with an "incomplete set" ;) Like Mac, I don't want to rush 17.))