The next morning, Carina was awake first. She hadn't slept great the night before, worrying about Maya.
She had gone to therapy two days ago which had been good for her. She loved and trusted her therapist who she had been seeing for the past six months. She thought about the session as she laid in bed, holding Maya and waiting for the blonde to wake up.
"Hello Carina," Dr. Jillian Peterson said as Carina walked in for her session.
"This week had been terrible," Carina said, sitting down with a sigh.
"What happened?" Jillian asked, opening her notebook.
"My girlfriend wants to kill herself," Carina said, tears filling her eyes, "And I hate that she feels like that and I hate that I can't do anything and I hate her father for abusing her."
"Ok," Dr. Peterson said, "That is a lot going on. Is your girlfriend safe?"
"Si," Carina said, nodding, "Or I think so. I took the pills she told me she thought about taking and got rid of them yesterday. She is working today and she just texted me telling me she was at work and there are people there who will look out for her."
"Good," Dr. Peterson said, "Is she getting help?"
"She's in therapy," Carina said, nodding, "And she just got diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression and I want to be so angry at her right now because of what she did with Jack and I still am, but it's so hard to be mad at her when I'm so mad for her."
"It's alright to be angry about a situation and still love the person who created the situation," Dr. Peterson reminded her, "Are you taking care of yourself?"
Carina had told Dr. Peterson about what her life had been like growing up, always trying to take care of her father until it came back to bite her in the butt and created more problems than it solved. Carina had spent her childhood taking care of her papa and ignoring her own suffering mental health. Carina's friends had had to help her realize what was going on and help her get the help she needed.
"I went and spent the day with Amelia and Teddy two days ago," Carina said, nodding.
"Good," Dr. Peterson said, writing something down, "And how are you feeling? How is your anxiety?"
"It's… definitely up from what it normally is," Carina admitted, "Sleeping has been a little harder too I guess."
"Ok," Dr. Peterson said, "And are you practicing the exercises we talked about for when you can't sleep?"
"I'm trying," Carina said, nodding, "And I'm journaling when I have time which is helping."
"Good," Dr. Peterson said, nodding, "We talked some last week about how hearing about how you were struggling with how to handle Maya's infidelity and learn to trust her again. Have you worked on thinking of small ways you can trust her?"
"Si," Carina said, "And it's still hard, but now I think it might actually be possible to trust her again."
"So you've officially decided to stay in this relationship?" Dr. Peterson said, "Last week you said you weren't sure."
"I'm sure now," Carina said, nodding, "I am going to stay. After hearing about her diagnosis, I was able to see that at least part of the infidelity was her trying to sabotage herself, which I know isn't an excuse, but at least it's a reason beyond her not really wanting to be with me which somehow makes it less terrible I guess."
"And are you maintaining healthy boundaries?" Dr. Peterson asked.
"I think so," Carina said, "I mean, there are times when all I want to do is do everything in my power to make Maya feel better, but I am taking the space I need to continue to work through my feelings about the infidelity. I only spend two or three nights with her, and I try not to text her too often during the day, to give her the space she needs and that I need. I took my time to be with my friends to process what she told me, but I didn't push her too hard to tell her own friends."
"So you are the only one who knows what's going on?" Dr. Peterson asked with concern.
"No," Carina said, shaking her head, "No. I told her that she didn't have to tell her friends, but that I thought they would be there for her if she did, and she ended up telling her two closest friends so they know too."
"That's good," Dr. Peterson said.
"It was a big step for her," Carina said, "Trusting others. She doesn't do it easily, doesn't like to show her vulnerability. And when she told me she told them, it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, like it was going to be just a little bit easier."
"Why?" Dr. Peterson asked.
"Because I don't have to be the only one to keep her safe," Carina said, "I don't have to fight the urge to always be there for her because there are other people who are there for her, one of them even lives with her."
"You are not responsible for anyone's safety but your own," Dr. Peterson reminded her.
"I know," Carina said, nodding as she grabbed a tissue, "But when I started dating Maya, she had no one. Everyone in her station was mad that she was their captain and they all turned their backs on her and all I wanted to do was make some of that pain go away. And I know it wasn't my job, but Andrea wasn't letting me help him and it felt good to actually be able to do something for someone, to be able to ease her pain even a little. And I know it's not my job to make her feel better or feel safe, but she makes me feel better, just by letting me be there for her, by being there for me, and I want to do the same. But after everything that's happened, I know I can't do it alone so I'm glad her friends can be there too."
"I understand," Dr. Peterson said, writing something down, "Well, our time is almost up. Is there anything else?"
"Do you have any ideas on what I can do to help Maya?" Carina asked.
"Take care of yourself, for starters," Dr. Peterson said, "You can't help her if you burn out. And try to help her make choices that are healthy for her, but don't push her too hard. People who are struggling like you said she is need to be pushed some to help them keep moving, but if you push too hard, it can make her feel like she is even more out of control than she probably already feels and that will make everything worse. Make sure she gets help is she needs it. And just be there as much as is healthy for you. Remember you can't love the pain away so don't put pressure on yourself. And if it gets to be too much, lean on those around you for help."
"Thank you," Carina said, nodding as she took in the information.
"And let me know if you need anything before our next session," Dr. Peterson said, "I'm sorry you and Maya are going through this."
Carina smiled, giving her therapist a hug before she left.
Carina looked down at the woman who was sleeping next to her, kissing her forehead. Maya's eyes fluttered open, looking up at her girlfriend.
"Good morning Bella," Carina said, smiling at her.
Maya tried her best to muster a smile, "Morning. What time is it?"
"Almost 7," Carina said, brushing a piece of blonde hair off Maya's forehead, "What time is your therapy appointment?"
"7:45," Maya said, rubbing her eyes, "I don't want to get up."
"Well, you don't have to yet," Carina said, "I'm going to go get some coffee though. Would you like some?"
"Yes please," Maya said, nodding as she buried herself back under the covers.
Carina got up, going into the kitchen, starting the coffee pot before throwing some bread in the toaster, spreading some peanut butter on the toast when it was done. She then carefully carried the food and cups into the bedroom. Maya poked her head out from under the covers when she heard Carina walk in.
"Why were you up so early?" Maya asked as Carina handed her the coffee mug.
"I was just thinking," Carina said, shrugging, "Sleep has not been the easiest the past few weeks. It's not a major issue."
"Are you sure?" Maya asked, "I don't want you to ignore how you're feeling because of me."
"I'm not," Carina said, shaking her head, "I know when it gets to a point that it's a problem, and I'm not there yet. I promise I am taking care of myself."
Maya nodded, leaning her head on Carina's shoulder.
"I brought you some breakfast," Carina said, handing Maya the plate, "And do not say you are not hungry because you need to eat."
Maya nodded, taking a small bite. She ate half a piece of toast before handing the plate back to Carina.
"I need to get up and get ready," Maya said, groaning a little.
"Are you going to work today?" Carina asked tentatively.
"I…Ma…I don't know," Maya said, running her hands over her face, "I want to, but I don't know if I should, not after how bad last shift went."
"Why don't you see how therapy goes?" Carina suggested, "You don't have to make any decisions right now."
Maya nodded, taking a deep breath before moving to get up. Both women dressed and got ready before leaving the bedroom.
"You heading out?" Vic asked from where she was eating breakfast in the kitchen.
"Yeah," Maya said, nodding, "I'll see you in a little while."
"Maya," Vic said, stopping her before she walked out the door, "Just know, no matter what, I have your back and I will support you."
"Thanks," Maya said as Vic reach out, squeezing Maya's shoulder gently.
Carina took her hand, smiling at Vic as they left. Carina drove them to the station, turning off the car when they parked.
"Ready?" Carina asked, looking over at Maya.
"Not really," Maya said, shaking her head, "But I don't think I ever will be. What if this ends my career?"
"It won't," Carina said, shaking her head.
"It could," Maya said, biting her lower lip.
"Let's not think that until we know," Carina said, rubbing circles on the back on Maya's hand.
They got out of the car; Maya take a deep breath before they headed into the station. They went into Maya's office, the blonde putting her stuff down.
"Let me go grab you a chair," Maya said, realizing she only had one extra chair in her office.
"I can get it," Carina said, noticing how much Maya was still limping, "Just show me where."
Maya nodded, guiding Carina down the hall to one of the storage rooms, showing her the chairs. Carina grabbed on, carrying it back to the office just as Dr. Lewis walked through the door.
"Good morning Maya," the former firefighter said.
"Good morning Diane," Maya said, "Diane, this is my girlfriend Carina, Carina, this is Diane, my therapist. I hope it's ok I brought her today."
"These are your sessions Maya," Dr. Lewis said, reaching out to shake Carina's hand, "Nice to meet you Carina."
"Likewise," Carina said, smiling as they all sat down.
"Now, Maya, why did you want to bring Carina today?" Dr. Lewis asked, reaching in her bag for her notebook.
"Because I need to talk to you about something that scares me," Maya said, looking down.
Dr. Lewis just sat there, knowing the best way to get Maya to talk was to make it her choice to do so. After a minute of silence, Maya took a deep breath.
"Am I allowed to be on medication and still be a firefighter?" Maya asked shakily, "Like, if I take meds to help me feel better, will I get fired? Or chained to a desk?"
"No," Diane said, shaking her head, "Not at all. The department would rather have a healthy firefighter who takes medication to keep them that way than an unhealthy one who puts themselves, their team, and civilians at risk who is unmedicated. Why? Are you wanting to try medication?"
"I don't want to," Maya asserted quickly before getting quiet, "But I think I need to."
Dr. Lewis waited, allowing Maya to take a few deep breaths, grabbing Carina's hand before she continued.
"I…I'm not ok," Maya admitted softly, "And the things you give me are kinda helpful, but most days I can't get out of bed and when I do, I feel terrible the whole day and I can't sleep without medication and I just can't do this anymore."
Maya broke down, sobbing, Carina placing a hand on her back. Dr. Lewis just let her cry for a little while until Maya calmed down.
"I agree with you," Dr. Lewis said as Maya looked at her, "I think medication would be a good idea. Now, there are a few ways we can go about this. I could transfer your care to a psychiatrist who can do sessions like this and also prescribe medication. Or you can go to your primary care doctor, and I can work with them to get you on the right medication. Or, if you feel like you need it, you can go straight from here to the ER, get admitted to a program, and they will get you what you need."
"I don't want a new doctor," Maya said, shaking her head, "And no hospitals."
"Alright," Dr. Lewis said, "I am going to give you a survey to fill out that will help me determine exactly how bad your symptoms are. I'm going to go get some coffee. You and Carina can fill it out together if you want."
Maya took the paper, looking down at it.
"Can you read it?" Maya asked, her eyes too full of tears to do it.
Carina and Maya went through the entire thing, Maya answering yes to a lot of the questions which broke Carina's heart a little bit.
Dr. Lewis came back fifteen minutes later.
"Are you done?" she asked, sitting back down at the desk.
Maya nodded as Carina handed her the paper. Diane looked through it, nodding as she did so.
"Ok," Dr. Lewis said, "So you've got some pretty severe symptoms going on, which I knew, and this solidifies that you need to be on medication. Now, you said that you are struggling to work. Have you been working?"
"Yes," Maya said, nodding, "But last shift, I spent more of it in bed than doing anything else."
"Have you thought about taking some sick leave?" Diane asked.
Maya was silent, looking down. Carina was a little confused at all the silence in this session, but it seemed like both Diane and Maya were used to it so she didn't say anything.
"Maya, why don't you want to take time off?" Dr. Lewis asked.
"Because I don't want to feel useless," Maya said, "And I don't want to take a million steps back after I fought so hard for every one forward over the past few months."
"Maya, your team wants you healthy," Dr. Lewis said, "I've spent time in this house, and you all are a family. They want what's best for you."
Maya nodded, wiping her eyes.
"Here's an idea," Diane said, "Why don't you call your doctor, get an appointment for later today, and then take today and your next shift off. Just give yourself a chance to rest."
"I… ok," Maya said, nodding.
"And what do you think about telling your team?" Dr. Lewis asked, "Just let them in a little."
"I told Vic and Andy," Maya said, "But maybe you're right. God, I hate all of this. I just want to feel better."
"I know," Dr. Lewis said as Carina grabbed Maya's hand, "And you will. You are taking good steps in the right direction. This road is long, but the hardest part is getting on it. Medication is a good step, but unfortunately, it takes 6 to 8 weeks for most medications to start working fully, and we might have to change it before we get it right."
"It's going to take 2 months and it might not even work?" Maya said, eyes wide, "Then what's the point?"
"May I?" Carina asked, looking at Dr. Lewis.
The therapist nodded, sitting back.
"Bella, when I first started medication, I was a wreck. I was having panic attacks every day and barely able to function at all," Carina said, "And I thought that it was never going to get better. The first medication I took made me so tired, but it took the edge off the anxiety. The next one made me feel like I was going to be sick all the time, but it stopped the panic attacks. The one I take now, the final one, helps with the anxiety and didn't make me feel horrible. But every time I took one, I felt a little better so even if the first one doesn't work, it will probably at least make you feel a little better than you do now."
Maya nodded, biting on her lip.
"Alright," Maya said, nodding, "I'll try."
They spent the next ten minutes talking about Maya's options, settling on the medication she wanted to try first so that Dr. Lewis could relate the information to Maya's doctor.
"Alright," Dr. Lewis said, "Call me if you need anything. And if you start feeling worse, go to the ER. There is no shame in reaching out for help if you need it."
"Thank you," Maya said, nodding.
"Take care of yourself," Diane said, heading out, "And it was nice to officially meet you Carina."
"You as well," Carina said, smiling a little as Maya crashed into her, desperately needing to be held.