You were alone left out in the cold, clinging to the ruin of your broken home. Too lost and hurting to carry your load, we all need someone to hold. You've been fighting the memory all on your own—nothing worsens, nothing grows. I know how it feels being by yourself in the rain; we all need someone to stay
1st October 2019
"Ahh, I love autumn" Sefa announced as she sipped at her pumpkin spice latte.
"You could've gotten me one" Morgana scowled. Seeing as she had to take Amhar to nursery, while she used to have time to stop at the Starbucks drive through she couldn't anymore as there simply wasn't time.
"Calm your tits" Sefa chuckled. "I did".
"Thank you" Morgana smiled. "If I thought I needed coffee pre-baby then I definitely do now. Exhaustion overload".
"Thanks for the tip" Mithian grinned as she leant on the doorframe. "February baby means that I miss the good latte's. And pregnancy means not too much caffeine".
"Not long now" Morgana smiled sympathetically.
"Nineteen whole ass weeks" Mithian grumbled. "Well, I need to start baby shopping soon. Any tips then?".
"What do you mean?" Morgana frowned.
"You have a baby" Mithian shrugged. "So surely you know quite a bit about it?".
"Well Gwen chose some three in one thing with a carrycot car seat and pushchair. Personally I would've gone for something a bit more expensive, their's was only £300 but car seat still protected Amhar in the crash. You can't use a car seat after a crash so we used a basic cheap Maxi Cosi rear facing then switched him to forward facing after he was around eight months but he was heavy enough. I-size says backwards to fifteen months I think? I dunno apparently just avoid cheap shit and you're fine basically oh and keep an eye out for Black Friday".
Mithian simply looked more confused. "Okay, uh thanks?".
"Is Morgause in?" Sefa asked.
"Dunno" Morgana shrugged. "She's been distanced lately".
"Well, it is gcse time" Sefa shrugged. "She's probably stressed with trying to finish off macbeth".
"Of course she is" Morgana rolled her eyes. "Over bloody Macbeth. No, something's up and I'm getting to the bottom of it".
She quickly texted Morgause, 'Where are you? Also, what's up w u lately? X'.
'That time of year lol. Running late, bloody traffic. Severn's flooded so a48 is closed and it's a fucking nightmare lol x'
Morgana sighed. She'd still avoided the question. 'Starbucks or Costa after work? Need to get pumpkin spiced latte while they're still around haha x'.
'Okay, if you say so [rolling eye emoji] I have a shit tonne to prepare for fifth form tho so can't be long. Or I could come back to yours?'.
'I'll put Merlin on baby duty [grinning emoji], we need to talk' Morgana replied. Morgause texted back the rolling eyes emoji.
"How are you?" Morgana asked as she and Morgause sat down. "It's just ... well, Sefa and I have noticed that you're acting a bit ... off, I suppose".
"I know" Morgause sighed. "I know. Look, it's uh...it's been difficult I suppose, especially with everything that happened with mum. I guess it's what with you having become a parent now that I don't want to watch as, you always were more like mum".
"Yeah, I know" Morgana smiled. "But there is no way I'm turning out like her. Ever. I mean I know I'm not exactly Amhar's mother but I simply just can't imagine ever upping and abandoning him".
"Well, I suppose I ought to tell you. You do know what happened when mum married Uther?".
"You hated her until I was born?" Morgana supplied.
"Yes and no—well, I don't know. Like most teenagers, mum and I argued a lot. She would just keep on nagging and nagging and nagging at me, telling me that I was doing things wrong and I was a failure with my school and whatnot. She never let me shine, always saying about how I could've done better and just we wouldn't stop fighting. Then one day she snapped, telling me that if I didn't get my shit together that I would be no daughter of hers. So I went to Dad's".
"That's terrible" Morgana gasped. "I mean ... why would mum do that? She used to be amazing, then well!".
"I know" Morgause said quietly. "But hey, I guess that, I don't know, I guess that she wasn't exactly ready to cope with raising a teenager. Then when she left again. I was relieved that you wouldn't have to go through what I did".
"Until you saw what happened to me" Morgana completed.
"Yeah" Morgause nodded. "And for the longest time, I blamed myself for mum leaving. Especially with the timing, being so close to you becoming a teenager. So the old guilt came creeping back out".
"Morgause" Morgana pouted. "Why?".
"But then I realised that sometimes, no matter how much you want to, some things just happen. Things change and things happen and there is no point in wasting time blaming yourself for it, when it wasn't".
"How did you—" Morgana scratched at her arm. "How did you know?".
"Mum initiative" Morgause smirked. "Seeing as I don't have kids and you're basically my kid. And I could tell that that's why you've been reluctant to get with Merlin despite the fact that you are making progress".
"I just" Morgana stopped as she took a sip of water. "I mean if Arthur and Gwen didn't die, we would've still been in the same position. Hating each other, me with Alvarr and probably him with Freya".
"It's in the past" Morgause shrugged. "You can only learn the lessons it taught you and move forwards. One thing I am planning to do is write a letter to Arthur and Gwen—I suggest you do similarly—as this can really help us to accept what has happened".
"I think I like that idea" Morgana smiled. Letters. Writing letters could be helpful, especially saying something to someone that you can't say, just seeing it could help. As Morgause left Morgana got out some pen and paper and began to write.
5th October 2019
"We should go for a walk" Morgana decided. "In the Northern Plains, seeing as now it's October and basically rather autumnal I thought it'd be good. No pram, we wouldn't be able to get it up there".
"Sure, sounds good" Merlin smiled. "Just need to find my wellies. Amhar has some doesn't he?".
"I picked up the most adorable little Thomas the tank engine light up wellies" Morgana gushed. "He'll love them. I have my hunters so we shall head off".
"Omg! Those are adorable!" Merlin squealed as Morgana put the wellies on Amhar's feet.
"I know" Morgana smirked. "Also, we should talk".
Merlin drove them over to the Northern Plains and near his old apartment where he liked to go for walks. Amhar toddled in between them and they held onto his hands and swung him which he absolutely loved as he played in the leaves.
"What's going on with us?" Morgana asked. "I mean, I want us to be together. And I guess that we are. But still, I mean, you know? What's well, what's happening?".
"I get you" Merlin agreed. "I mean, I want us to be together, stay together and be Amhar's parents together".
"I want that too" Morgana whispered.
Amhar grinned as he saw them kissing each other.
"So, we're together then?" Merlin checked. "Officially, officially together. Couple with a baby not just two 'friends' raising a baby".
"We are" Morgana smiled. "Besides, he's a toddler now, no more baby in the house".
"No more baby in the house" Merlin repeated. "Well, what's that supposed to be about baby?".
"Go free up your vibe stop acting crazy" Morgana grinned with a roll of her eyes. "I guess that well, I know that if Arthur and Gwen didn't die that we wouldn't be a thing, so, I mean do you get me?".
"Yeah. Our happiness came around as the result of a tragedy, so it just feels wrong".
"More or less" Morgana shrugged. "But nonetheless, if we are to go through with this you need to understand that we're in this for the long run. We need to stick together, give Amhar a stable loving home as Arthur and Gwen would have".
"I know" Merlin sighed. "Look, I know that we want Amhar to be raised as normally as possible given his circumstances. Yet we're now the parents, and if I'm being honest as long as he's healthy, fed and happy there isn't much more that can be done".
"Yet he also needs stability and a loving home environment" Morgana added. "And look, I know that I—we don't exactly have the best coping mechanisms when things get bad; my self harm, your drinking. But ultimately I suppose it all comes around as a part of a deeper problem, like when we first broke up I couldn't handle the memory. And I know you were trying to be there, but I just needed time to come to terms with it all, I just needed space and I think we could have gotten through that if we had been honest with each other instead of simply bottling it up".
"We all need someone there, or it simply gets to much and you'll just explode. Just trying to hold on to what you knew and have some stability yet it's all gone, so there's nothing else to do. I know, I know what it's like. It's lonely, and isolating and it simply just is horrible".
"You think I don't know that?" Morgana sighed. "I think that Arthur and Gwen's death has put a new perspective on all of this for me and that I just realised that well, you can control your own future".
"And remembering that the past isn't what it seems, the future isn't set in stone yada yada yada let's just ignore bloody dragons" Merlin grinned.
"One thing that Morgause told me to do was to write a letter to Arthur and I don't know what to do with it. You take it. Read through it. Let me know what you think of it".
While Morgana was putting Amhar to bed, Merlin read the letter.
Dear Arthur,
I don't know how to fucking believe the fact that you're gone. It's so fucking hard. Why'd you have to leave? Leave us with the baby. Maybe it wouldn't have happened. You'd still be alive, you would've had to ultimately deal with the past and tell Gwen what happened, and you got to escape it. And if I'm honest? I just can't help but feel angry with you for all of this. Angry for not having control over the fucking car, angry for not telling Gwen sooner, angry with my car for being in MOT so that I had to go with you, angry with myself for having morning sickness.
I know, I know that this anger isn't food. So I've stopped bottling it, and just learnt to accept that I feel this way and nothing can change it. Yet at the same time, I'm somewhat glad I was in the car as it allowed me to save Amhar. But h then if I wasn't in the car, would you have still crashed? There's just no way of knowing but I do find myself wondering. Hey, stages of grief sucks. Then again I'm angry at myself for not trusting my instincts. I hadn't been sleeping well for a few days before the crash (whether pregnancy related or not, no idea).
But I will say that there is one good thing that has come out of this. Merlin. We decided that we'd try to get along and coparent Amhar. It has been going OK, much better than expected. We've been good together, and if I'm being honest I don't think our love never went away, and that this gave us the kick up the arse that we needed. All I know is that I'm falling for him, and I don't know if I can stop myself from that. Except I don't know what our relationship is, I mean i want it but I don't know if he feels the same
That's all for now,
Love, Morgana x
"I read your letter" Merlin commented as they sat up in bed. Morgana was reading a book while Merlin was on his phone.
"Did you?" Morgana asked. She briefly looked over at him, closed her book and took off her glasses. "What did you think?".
"I think that all your feelings are valid and that you've been doing well".
"I think the same goes for you too" Morgana smiled.
"And I also wanted to say, I love you".
"I love you too" Morgana whispered.
7th October 2019
Being an odd numbered year, it was the year of the whole school photos. They'd be up on a stand again, as they had been three years ago.
"Remember three years ago?" Merlin chuckled as they watched the stand being put up.
"I do" Morgana smiled fondly at the memory. "Gwen third wheeling".
"She was gagging at our flirting" Merlin chuckled. "How was that two whole years ago? We've been working here for two whole years! Blimey".
"Time flies" Morgana agreed. "Everyone used to be so small, now they've all grown up a bit. We were just kids in love ourselves".
"We still are, I guess" Merlin smiled. The bell had rung, it was time to get to class.
A/N: Merry Christmas to all those celebrating! And for those who aren't, hope you all have a good day! As a 'gift' I've decided to post two chapters today, with the first one being at my usual time of around 9am GMT (provided I'm not at work or college!), second one will be out at 1pm GMT