A/N: This year can just go to the void and never return. I wanted to update with the Blue Moon on Halloween, because of obvious reasons, but things didn't line up that way. As I said when I first started seeing this sequel through, I wouldn't be able to update on a schedule, and this year has just proven why that was the best way for me to go. I won't abandon, I just can't keep up the muse or the drive when I'm stretched personally.

Update personal: I'm surviving. I haven't been diagnosed with COVID, even being on the essential worker list this whole time. Though I suspect I've had it, just been asymptomatic. Yes, I wear a mask. It's on before I exit my door. I've lost family to COVID, I've had to stay away from my daughter most of this time because of COVID. I haven't been in the best of mind sets this year. I am American, in Texas. COVID has been extra spicy out here with the politics. I'm not one to back off of confrontation so I'll be clear: I'm 38, CIS female, Pansexual Pagan. Mother to a mixed child who is also on the Rainbow spectrum. We support the Black Lives Matter movement, the MMIW, ICE needs to be abolished, I voted Blue, and Fuck Donald J. Trump. If any of that bothers you, and you feel you have to walk away, this isn't an airport... don't announce your departure. Just go. However this plays out in the next few weeks, I hope all of you stay safe.

Story recap: Emma is growing increasingly frustrated with the limited way she can function around her trauma, everything is just fine until she has a bad moment. And around werewolves, a bad moment can go so sideways. The extreme coddling being her least favorite. Even if it helps. Killian -ever protective and supportive- wants her to bide her time and heal thoroughly, before going forward in their bond. Keeping secrets as old pirates do, that he fears she picked him out of a desperate need to obliviate Walsh from her memory. Because who would want a Wolf torn in two? And now he carries the burden of using his nature to keep his Swan during an intimate moment.
Belle continues her work as an inside woman to The Dark One, but the image he presents of being a sadistic bastard doesn't seem to be the whole truth. There are quiet moments of wicked humor or a lonely old creature. She knew he was a predator, every instinct she had screamed that fact, but if there was a chance it was all just a front to cope for something else, Belle was determined to find it out. And maybe draw it out more.
Mary Margaret's still struggles with her Change. So many new things wrapped around the old things of her past, that she's spinning in circles trying to find her place in all of it. Things that were truth, are lies. Things that should be dead, live. David has secrets, and her Fae friends are convincing her to play intrigue games with her newest friend Emma Swan. She can only hope that her actions are the right ones. Cause all she has is hope.
Malcolm works from the shadows, as ghosts tend to do, his game only just unfolding. And a crazed Changeling sets her eyes on a new prize.

Chapter 9

Anxiety as Foreplay

Emma stood off to the side as the room bustled in the last moments before food would be served. Arms folded over her chest, with unabashed incredulity written all over her face. On her right, in near perfect mirror stood David; his face was of resigned acceptance however.

Emma shifted closer to David as someone with a handful of dusty rags power walked by her and out of the room. "Does she do this every time?"

A smile curved David's face. "C'mon Emma, you've been with us for almost a year now… you know the answer to that."

Emma sighed. It really did seem like any occasion was cause for Mary Margaret to throw a get together of some variety. "Ok so… what's the reason she's got this time?"

Confusion inched its way across David's face. "You know, I don't have a clue. Maybe it's just because she has so many friends in one place today?"

"Or the day ends in 'Y'." Emma mumbled, not quite forgetting that she could be heard just fine all the same.

David softly chuckled, his eyes watching his mate with adoration as she scurried about with final touches. "She grew up being taught the old ways from her mother, her mother died suddenly when Mary Margaret was a pre-teen, so she clung to the lessons as hard as she could to keep the memories alive. When we won our war against the Witch a few decades back, she used the parties as a way to help mend things in the Pack and rekindle old alliances. They've never failed her."

Emma felt her cheeks warm with the awkward feeling of having swallowed her foot. "I didn't mean–"

David slid his arm around her shoulders, steering her away from the room before anyone else smelled her embarrassment and decided to ask questions. "It's taken everyone here time to get used to Mary Margaret's parties and dinners Emma. Don't feel bad for making the same snarky comment nearly everyone else has already made at some point. Some more than once."

Emma didn't care for platitudes, when you were wrong, you were wrong. She should be better to the Nolan's after this much time. Her face had to have been made of glass because David rested his hands on her shoulders and bent at the waist until he was eye level with her.

"Would it make you feel better to know that Graham did worse?"

"Graham? Humbert? My Graham?"

David smirked. "Don't let Killian catch you saying things like that. Not yet anyway." David straightened up. "Once upon a time…" Emma groaned, David had a thing for telling her stories about Brookside's past or about the people she's come to know like he was citing some Fairy Tale. So of course his grin stretched wider knowing he was getting to her. "There was a spoiled young princess who grew up in a wild kingdom."

Emma's head tilted to the side as she deadpanned, "Is this where I ask if that princess was Mary Margret?"

David smiled again, obviously enjoying himself. "The princess was beloved by her parents, treasured in ways kids always dream of. But it made the child harsh and cruel to those who were under her. And when someone doesn't have peers to balance themselves out, things can get out of hand. For our princess, very out of hand. The princess had a birthday coming up, weeks away, but she was already lording the upcoming ball over the various people who lived in her castle. Another kingdom was going be arriving to both celebrate with the princess, and to discuss matters of state. The King arriving had a son with him, and it was the hope of parents of the princess and the prince, that the children might form a bond of some variety. If not romantic for a marriage, then a friendship to continue the alliance. The princess, in her spoiled nature, couldn't see the visiting party as anything other than more people to dote on her, to bow to her whims. So she treated the visiting prince as a plaything, ordered him about as much as she would any of the castle staff. He grew tired of it, and decided to leave the princess alone to seek out better company. Our princess was in a fit over losing his attention, following the prince as he walked away, shouting all sorts of cruel things as they went. Her mother found out, cast the princess to her room and banned her from the ball that very night. Our princess however, decided for herself that her mother's words weren't possible. How could they have a birthday party without the birthday girl? So in her room, she dressed herself in the pretty dress that had been bought for this ball, she eased out of her room and down the halls to the hall where music was being played.

"Because there were so many dignitaries and people of importance at this ball, there were guards at most of the doorways and it was there, as she was trying to figure out the best way to get passed them that she overheard things she never heard before. 'She said that? And all she got was sent to her room?' said the shorter man. 'I suppose, but then when has she ever really had to deal with any consequences?' said the other. Our princess frowned, not sure if she should speak up. She only knew she didn't like what they were saying, so she backed away, and chose a different path to a different set of doors. These were also blocked, but by her father's personal guard. They would do as she said, she thought. They were also talking as she approached, so she softened her steps to listen. 'Little brat could have cost us the whole thing, you'd think they'd teach her some basic manners given how strict they are with us.' Said the blonde man. This really upset our princess and she was about to speak up for herself when the other, taller man spoke first. 'Mind your tongue about their daughter. It isn't our place to judge how they raise her.' The princess smiled, knowing the first man would be getting in trouble for talking about her so. But the first man continued, 'C'mon. The kid thinks this party is about her and her birthday even though that's weeks away. And I bet you right now, she's wondering how we have a birthday party without her.' The tall man grunted and the princess waited for him to defend her again. Instead he said, 'Would have been interesting to see her face when she found no cake or presents for her here. Look, I get it. We all know she's spoiled rotten, down to the core. And that she thinks we're all here to serve her. But given how long it took Ava to have a kid, it's not surprising that they let the kid get away with everything. And it turned out alright this time.' The princess felt her stomach churn, not liking what she was hearing. The first man spoke again, 'She's getting too old to be this way, if they don't fix it, the brat might cause actual problems for us.' Worry mixed in the princess's stomach, she didn't like the idea of creating problems adults would have to struggle to fix. The tall man spoke one more time, 'If we're lucky, they'll keep her stupid and she'll fall under The Council's protection for humans. And all these events will just be parties for her in her dumb little head. Who knows? Maybe when she grows up and ends up wherever The Council drops her, she'll throw parties for herself every day.' Our princess whimpered, unable to stop the tears falling down her rosy cheeks. The guards turned to see her running down the hall, and chased her all the way to her door. They didn't go inside when she slammed it closed, falling to her bed crying."

Emma stared. She'd been able to keep up… sorta. "You're telling me that Graham was the tall guard at the second door?" David nodded. "And he really said all that?" His eyes widened as he nodded again. "Damn. How did it all fall out?"

David shrugged. "Graham and Ian got babysitting duty for two months. Leo felt that if they were going to be dumb enough to shoot off at the mouth without paying attention to the people around them, then they could suffer looking at her face and feel the shame of it. Snow… well it affected her. She may have been spoiled rotten, but she was still good at heart. She believed people had been honest with her all along, that she really was the darling of the world. So started making people tell her what they thought of her, however bad it was. And the few who gave in told her the brutal truth."

"Jeez. She was how old?"

David blew out a breath. "Nine."

"And already that bossy."

"Oh you don't know the half of it. Her mother –Ava– sat Snow down and laid it all out for her. How Pack's work, the purpose of the parties… everything. Snow was always a good kid when her parents were around, and no one could speak up about her to their Alpha cause it was his kid. Once Snow figured out that she was hurting people who couldn't stand up for themselves, she broke down again. When she got over herself and the crying stopped, she went around and demanded the staff teach her their duties, even down to the toilet cleaning. By the time she was thirteen, she could moderately manage the household even as big as it was. The Pack was still wary of her, but the staff fell in love with her. I asked her once, when she was about… fifteen? I asked her why she picked mending things with the help over the Pack. She told me that Pack might be as good as family, but they weren't the ones making sure there was food, or if the laundry was done. That if anyone deserved her penance, it was the people she had treated as less than nothing from the very beginning. And that if she were to ever be responsible for a pack, then knowing how to take care of the everyday things was more important than making sure a bruised ego felt better."

"And Graham had to watch her struggle with basic chores. That explains why he calls this pack hers."

David laughed. "He isn't wrong. I might be Alpha and the wolves might have to obey me first, but this is her home. This place is what it is because she makes it that way, she makes it a home for everyone."

"So you're saying I should suck it up about having to deal with a party or a dinner?"

David's arm went around her shoulders again, guiding her down the hall to the main parlor where guests were gathering. "I'm asking you to see them for what they are. And maybe suck it up a little."

Killian watched Robin turn over the crystal vase carefully, inspecting with what seemed a too critical eye. Slightly amused at the old man, and mostly confused to the man being at Brookside, Killian shuffled his feet to alert of his presence.

"You know Old Bean, if you keep looking at me like that, I'm going to assume mating yourself to Emma was a cover for a crush on me."

Killian grinned, of course Robin already knew he was there. "I never kept my desire for you secret before, using Emma to do so now seems a tad silly. Sadly, we are but star-crossed… always mated before the other becomes available once more."

Robin looked side-ways to Killian, an eye brow creeping up as the mischief glinted wildly in his face. "I don't think Regina would mind a third if you are so inclined. Your safe word still Neverland?"

Killian chuckled, forever regretting spending time in the Nomads camp. He nodded to the vase instead, "Thinking of pilfering from our hosts? I thought you'd given up your thieving habits?"

Robin grinned, "Appraising isn't a crime. And don't start acting like you haven't eyed a few items yourself you old pirate."

Killian laughed as Robin set down the crystal. They moved in tandem, embracing each other as only old friends could. "What brings you here? Everything alright?"

Robin hummed. "Of course, I only had a few formalities to address with David and Mary Margaret and somehow got roped into a sit down."

Killian laughed softly. "I often wonder if Snow handles the lot of us into organized get-togethers. I ran into Tink in the Solarium just a little while ago."

Robin nodded, "That would fit with seeing her red-headed partner helping in the kitchens." Killian let loose a low growl. "Easy mate, they're friends of the Nolan's and have no business with you or Emma."

"It's only the siren that troubles me. But the both of them together means they're working; you'll forgive me if them working in the area makes me tense, Emma was stolen the last time it occurred here."

"It was hardly their fault Killian."

"Aye, but Fae of their ilk don't bed well with coincidences. I've half a mind to grab Emma and head home."

"I'm sure David would love that breech of protocol; he's taken a curiously intense stance of her."

Killian's eyes whorled. "She's my Mate, he could bugger a blobfish for all his 'stance' matters."

"Yes, but she still needs to belong to a pack, so unless you decide to enter one, you'll have to contend with her Alpha. Even if it was me. In fact, I wouldn't let her out of camp unless you two made it all nice and legal."

Killian was set back in his mind, unable to see or hear what was happening around him; Zuul had stolen full control for whatever reason the beast came up with. Killian came back to a hand gripped tight to his throat, lifted high against a wall. His right hand on Robin's throat to match and his left clawing at the arm hoisting him up.

"Easy… there you are. You certainly are touchy today Old Bean." Robin's eyes were softly lit, never a good sign. "Remind your wolf that The Council decreed she be tied to a pack to keep the information she knows contained. The edict for a Mate was only to help lock her down, you don't want The Council deciding you as the Mate would be in their way." Killian breathed, struggling with the wolf inside. "Remind your wolf that none of us want to take her away, but that we all want her safety and well-being." His eyes became brighter. "Don't lead us to believe that you are in the way of that."

He knows.

Killian swallowed. Regina told him… of course she told him.

"Now I'm going to let you go and we're going to have a quick little chat, though I would have preferred to broach the subject with a bit more sensitivity."

Killian very much wished the wall behind him would open up into a void, just to avoid what could only come next. The old wolf lowered him down, granting him a few moments to settle himself. As if there was ever a way to settle himself given the probable incoming context.

"You have broken a very serious rule. Care to explain?" Robin's voice was deceptively civil; he could threaten a violent murder as if he was discussing the weather, and mean worse than any of the words spoken.

"Not particularly. Though you seem ready to lean into me regardless."

Robin sighed. "Killian, you still doubt me after all these years? Decades even?" Killian didn't respond, couldn't. It pushed Robin into pacing and rubbing the back of his neck. "Fine, then tell me this: was it on purpose?"

Killian considered playing dumb, to at least drag out how much Robin thought he knew. But it was more work than Killian felt up to. "Yes… no… it's complicated. I wasn't in full control prior, I didn't actively seek to control her, but I did issue a command."

Robin stared at him, Killian could almost feel the paternal disappointment flowing out of the old wolf. With Robin's third sigh in the one conversation, Killian was sure things had gone from bad to worse. "Did I ever tell you about the first few times Regina and I attempted to make love?"

Killian's eyes went wide, bile filled his chest, his hands raised to fend off the images that would inevitably arrive. "Mate. All teasing aside, I don't think I want to imagine those moments."

Robin snorted. "You would have climbed into my tent only two years ago, don't feign a prudish nature now. Stop distracting me, I'm teaching you a lesson boy."

"Just spare me the physical details yeah?"

"I wouldn't dream of spoiling your first encounter mate." The wanker winked. "When Regina and I accepted the Mate Bond, she was still dealing with her demons. All of them. I could barely help her maintain a regular day, but letting emotions flow as they do during sex? Things usually caught fire. She wasn't naïve to our laws even though she was relatively new to the life; the true life, not the barbarity her mother had instilled. But our relationship was straining under her need for control and her need for freedom. Intimacy wasn't possible."

Familiarity itched between Killian's shoulders. "Alright, I'll bite. What was your solution?"

"The solution was both."

"Come again?"

"C'mon Old Bean, keep up. I know you've been to the dens in Paris and Italy and have tasted the whip."

Killian blanked. Not that Robin knew of the dungeons or leather clad Masters and Mistresses, or that Killian had partaken in them. But that Robin's teasing of safe words was a reality.

"Oh I do believe your debating how many of my offers were legitimate now." Robin laughed. "You know fully that there is a freedom in a lack of choice, when the burden of responsibility belongs to someone else. By taking the control away from Regina, I gave her the freedom to let go of the grip she had on her emotions. There were nights where she broke down and wept for hours, nights of some of the filthiest sex I've ever had…" Robin's eyes drifted away, looking to memories Killian didn't want to know about. "And nights where she showed me the depths of her heart, and how hard that woman could love."

"Aye Robin, I see where you're leading with this. But the difference is Regina knew full and well what she asked of you. And Emma escaped a man doing virtually the same thing to her. I don't know if I could stomach it."

Robin nodded. "A valid point, but Emma isn't some blushing maid Killian. She's a modern woman, probably knows as much about the concept as you do. Don't you think you owe it to her to discuss the option with her?"

"I fear she would take me up on any idea if she thought it had a fraction of chance to work."

"Yes, she does seem eager to get better."

Killian rolled his eyes. "Regardless of the cost to herself?"

"Don't you think that's her call? More to the point, don't you think you both deserve the chance to say you've actively tried something? And if it doesn't work, well then you've eliminated one more thing that isn't working and can move onto the next."

Killian was quiet. He hated it when Robin was right.

"I understand you're trying to help, and you're right that she needs to pace herself. But that's something she likely won't learn any way but the hard way. You need to step back and let her stumble more, lest you remind our kind why loner wolves aren't allowed Mates."

You listening wolf?

Are YOU listening? This isn't my doing. These are your decisions falling on our head.

It's your bloody instincts that are fueling them.

So learn better control.

"Now I'm going to let you collect yourself before we go into that dining hall. There's too many ego's in that room for your agitation. And I'm fairly certain Emma felt enough where she's going to be inquisitive, would you prefer me to collect her now and sort yourselves prior to an audience?"

Killian nodded, "Aye… thank you old friend. My apologies–"

Robin waved him off. "None of that. I'm well versed how elaborate your apologies can be. Stay here, I'll bring her to you shortly."

"Robin?"

He turned at the hall corner. "Yeah?"

"Be blunt. Would you trust me, as I am now, in the role you're suggesting? With Emma?"

The werewolf in front of him flashed his eyes. "Implicitly."

Lily followed her nose to a quaint farmhouse. It had been through recent repairs; scents of cut wood and fresh paint clung on to it. He must have been fixing it up for her. Lily knew all about the mad wolf's mate, she could smell the bond on him. But it was weak, and therefore easily broken. His mate was weak, no wolf as strong as that would want a weak mate for long. It wouldn't be difficult to get him to abandon the bitch. But that was the long game, Lily wasn't fond of long games.

So she remained near the tree line, careful not to leave her scent markings too close and set him off. But still close enough to the slight breeze would carry a touch of it to him. Let him think he was scenting her from memory, or better yet… desire. It would all be easier if it was from desire.

All Lily had to do was stay hidden from the Brookside Pack and the Nomads until she could claim the mad wolf. And there were enough tricks in from her mother's bloodline to manage that. For a few weeks anyway.

There was a kiss on her cheek and her hand wrapped around an elbow before Emma knew Robin had approached her at all. The man was light on his feet, and used it to his full advantage whenever he caught a chance to sneak up on her. As soon as they discovered that he could touch her gently without provoking a reaction, he had begun testing his limits. It hadn't taken him very long to figure out that if she didn't have time to react to certain touches, she generally didn't have them. Hard to have a panic attack when the moment was there and gone before her brain knew what was going on.

Now if I could only get Killian on board with the same tactics, maybe we could move this show along…

With a nod to David, he turned Emma down a hall and wrapped her hand around his arm. Walking her lord knew where, but it didn't matter too much, it was Robin. "And how does M'Lady fare this evening?"

It shouldn't make her giggle, but dammit, it was Robin freaking Hood talking to her like that. And she'd bet money that her infallible reaction is why he kept doing it. "I'm alright… have you seen Killian? I don't know what I was feeling earlier, but it didn't feel like warm fuzzy things."

Robin hummed, keeping their pace even, if not brisk. "Yes I have seen him."

She waited, assuming he would say more… but Emma wasn't good at these kind of games. "And?"

"And what M'Lady?"

Emma huffed. "Where did you see him?"

"Ah. Well I saw him in many variations. How specific would you like me to be?"

"Don't push me to get creative with your arrows old man."

Now he laughed. "Really Emma, you're far too easy." He patted the hand curled around his elbow. "I'm taking you to him. Seems he's a bit pushed to his limits today, I thought it best to find you to help him settle before we walk into a room full of various personalities." His gentle smile froze before falling into a frown, halting their steps altogether. "Actually, I'd like a word with you individually if I may?"

Emma's eyebrow ticked up with a nod for him to continue. His moods hardly ever shifted so quickly.

"The necessity of my pack comes from the fact that we remain mobile. My wolves are old or erratic or both, and they need to be moved soon. We won't be just a quick hop away for you for at least another two seasons." Emma stopped breathing, at least she thought she stopped. Her chest burned like it was desperate for air. "We'll be back, these are my woods as much as they belong to Mary Margaret's ancestors. But I wanted you to hear it from me instead of at the dinner table." He crouched the few inches so he could meet her eyes. "We aren't leaving you, in fact you were a topic of discussion amongst the pack when I announced we'd be heading west. You've made connections with mine and they aren't all too willing to walk away from you. There was a decision to leave one of ours behind, many volunteered, but I had to pick one that I knew could live outside the pack for an extended amount of time, and one I wouldn't need to help control the others."

Emma's eyes widened. "Oh no." Robin smiled, happy she was able to catch on so quickly. "You know Killian will have him skinned before you get back right?"

Robin shrugged while his mouth smiled bigger. "Will can handle himself, usually does anyway. But Killian leaves Will to watch over you when he needs to dart off somewhere. And this way you can keep a good friend to annoy Killian with. Maybe provoke him into something other than this protective streak he's got."

Emma huffed. "Regina told you huh?"

"Yes, but anyone who knows Killian like I do knew he'd hit the brakes on the two of you just to get out and push gently. You know, instead of being somewhat of a normal romantic partner. It's not for anything other than his need to keep you ok. I'm not saying his way is the best way, just that you should consider what would happen to him if you mind associated its panic with him like it does with your dear friend Humbert."

And shit wasn't that just a cold bucket of honesty she hadn't considered. Her head slumped forward to Robin's shoulder. "I feel like I'm in a soap opera with all these angles to consider."

Robin straightened her up with a chuckle, "Yes well… the best I can promise you with that is that there isn't a 'Dallas' ending where you wake up and it was all a dream. You're stuck here for the rest of the days of our lives." Emma groaned; Robin laughed more. "At least we're too old to be the young and the restless?"

"Stop. Please stop."

His laugh was a giggle that could rival his son's. "If M'Lady bids it of me."

"You can top that too."

He dipped into a low bow. "As I'm commanded."

Emma heaved a sigh. "Killian. You were taking me to Killian."

"Yes. I suppose I should take you on to him." He looped her hand around his elbow once more and guided her along. "Five bucks says his hair is in disarray from pulling at it waiting for you."

She smirked. "Ten if he's still got a hand in his hair."

"Done."

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Ariel asked nervously. Openly fidgeting with the ends of her fire hair. "Killian hates me enough as it is."

Tink flexed her shoulders. Her nervous tic happening more frequently every day. "He doesn't hate you." Ariel deadpanned an arched eyebrow to her friend of the Spring. "Ok, so he isn't a fan… but he doesn't hate you. He would have eaten you already if he did."

Ariel snorted. "What we're doing to them, to her… he may just yet."

"If he figures out what we're up to before it's over, we'll be lucky to be jut eaten. Did you hear about what he said he'd do with Cora before they found Emma?"

Ariel shuddered. "And he won't be so kind with me. So I ask again, is this a good idea?"

"Blue said they need to be bonded, and soon."

"But he's–"

"I know!" Tink breathed to calm herself. "I know Ari, ok? Blue asking us to push Killian and Emma in the same direction he wants them to go doesn't sit well with me either. And believe me I'm looking into THAT connection. If there is any. He doesn't seem her type… Look. Let's say everything isn't as bad as we think it might be, Emma and Killian being bonded can only strengthen him."

"And if everything is worst case scenario?"

Tink's shoulders twitched again. "Then they'll need to be bonded to survive."

Ariel huffed out a sigh. "When he ends up hating me, I'm dragging you down with me."

"One step at a time huh? Let's just get through dinner?"

Robin came through the door with Emma in tow, as promised. But Robin groaned while Emma beamed at him. There was a reach for a wallet and a tenner handed over with a sigh. Killian felt the confusion settle on his face. Clearly missing something that landed him as the base of their bet, but he brushed it away as inconsequential as it had Emma smiling in that way while she slid the money into the pocket of her jeans. It was one of those moments that would only ever matter to him, for no other reason than her. Her cheeks blushed, and Killian wondered how much of his unchecked adoration was seeping through the bond to her.

Robin cleared his throat. His eyes were on the walls as he bounced on his feet. "Yes well… I guess I'll leave you to it."

Or maybe Killian was just being obvious.

"I guess asking if you're happy to see me would be redundant."

Very obvious.

He hoped it appeared as if he was inspecting his shoes rather than his front. Judging not as obvious as he feared, he shifted his weight to hide what he could. "Aye, as always."

"Which? Being happy to see me or if asking would be redundant?"

He looked back to her, tilting his head back with a touch of ego. "Yes."

His cheek earned him the desired effect: she sighed her smile again with a roll of her eyes. The dimple on her chin flashed briefly before she ducked her head and hid behind the fall of her hair. He itched to hold her, to convince himself nothing was wrong between them or that they had so many hurdles still ahead. But at the crux of it all, he knew what he did was horribly wrong and he had no right to her warmth anymore.

"We need to talk Killian."

He sighed. He nodded. He looked at his shoes, for real this time. "I find that when a woman says that, I'm rarely in for a pleasant conversation. But aye, I suppose we do. Would you wish to say it now and get it over with, or are we waiting for after this dinner?"

"Get it over with? Killian just what do you think I have to say?"

He slid a mask over his features. He hoped it was a calm and genial smile, but his heart was overly ready to shatter as consequence already. "Whatever you need to speak of love; I can feel you, not read your mind."

Her face scrunched in that wonderful way when something didn't make sense to her. But her eyes were intently probing through his defenses, sorting him out with efficiency in a way no one since his brother could do. It was when her face softened with realization that he braced for impact.

"Oommff!" The air knocked out of his lungs; he wasn't expecting the impact to literally be Emma. The warmth of her body, the sunshine warmth of her scent… he was surrounded in heat. His arms had already circled her body, a hand already buried itself in her hair, his face already turned into her. His body giving into the need for her without consulting with his brain. Already breaking his own promise to leave her be until he could explain his sin. Her arms tightened around his waist, and he wondered if she could sense him mentally pulling away.

Of course she does. It's what she's known for most of her life. And here I am adding to the lot.

"Killian, if you think any louder, Mary Margaret is going to come in here and ask you to stop disrupting her party."

He held on another moment, just one more before he paid for his actions. But his greedy heart couldn't outlast his self-loathing, never could the poor thing. So he tried to shift away, earning only a lean when Emma refused to let go from around his middle. "Too right. You were saying love? What is it you needed to say to me?"

"First off, you look sadder than Roland when he doesn't get his ice-cream. What's up?"

He shook his head. "You commissioned the floor first darling. Whatever's in my head will keep."

Her head tilted. "I had an interesting conversation with Will–" Killian couldn't stop the snort from interrupting. Emma's mouth smiled as she continued on. "And a really long and interesting talk with Regina. But I'll keep it simple, god knows when Mary Margaret will want to finally sit down to this shindig. They both told me what you did and what it amounts to with you wolf people." Killian felt his throat stick to itself. "They both told me, how holding out on me is opening doors to possible trouble. The big kind." The room lost all oxygen while he waited for his beautiful Swan to finish him off with a killing blow. "But it was Regina that gave me the juiciest information. That push thing you do? To make others behave or comply or whatever?"

He felt the confession bubbling up inside him, his knees aching to bend and fall to the floor in front of her in supplication. But the best he managed was a swallow and a nod. Could he not beg even for his Swan? Was his pride so stubborn?

Just wait. Our mate holds no sorrow. She's bright with hope and anticipation.

You're the reason we're in this mess!

I'm the reason we aren't in worse trouble.

What?

"Killian? Did you hear me?"

He shook his head. "Sorry sweetheart, sometimes the wolf in me overtakes my attention. Forgive me?"

Emma smiled, bringing a hand to caress his jaw. "Shush Zuul, I need a moment." Her eyes lingered on his mouth before a blink brought them back up his. "Killian, I know you're going to argue with me. But that night was consensual. And before any argument forms in that stubborn mind of yours, let me tell you that you were right."

Well now he was just confused beyond measure. How could he be right and the whole affair be consensual?

Her lips curved again. "I felt that. I mean, I saw your face, but I felt that itch when something doesn't make sense. It's not like before, when I could sorta figure out where you were. That was… kinda cool actually. Weird… different… but I didn't hate it."

She laughed softly, happily. His wolf all but purred like a kitten.

"So then let me explain. You weren't wrong about why you were holding back. I've been frustrated with the slow progress, that no matter how much I wanted to, I was still having problems that needed a gentler hand. I was right that I need to push the limits to get passed them, but I was pushing myself too hard. And you were right, having bad fallouts would eventually be associated with you too. I've lost my relationship with Graham because of it. I can't lose you too. But that night? Even though you lost some control and did that whole chest-thumping dominance deal on me, I wanted it just as much as you did. All you ended up doing was blocking my fear."

His voice was small, "Doesn't make it right Emma."

"No, maybe not. But this is where talking to Regina helped. She told me that when Robin found her, she was insane. Like hearing voices and seeing people who weren't there insane."

Killian's memories filtered to the Mad Witch of the Woods, "Aye, she wasn't coherent then. I remember accompanying Robin's pack for a Moon Run, and found her sitting next to a tree. She was asking for her father in a voice that normally would be heard out of a child's mouth."

Emma's eyes widened. "Wow… ok… damn." She shook the image away. "Anyway, Regina told me that part of getting her back to reality was Robin using that same push."

Killian nodded. "That's the point of it, to help those lower on the chain to maintain control. It helps keep order within a pack."

"Right. And when they started something more, they had the same problems we do."

Killian followed her line of thinking to her obvious conclusion, the one Robin had guessed she would have. "Swan, it's still considered rape by our standards. Regina was werewolf then, was equipped with more defenses than you realize. You're human with no natural defenses against such things. You aren't capable of consenting if I'm pushing you into it."

"She said you'd say that." Killian huffed, shifting on his feet as she still hadn't let him go. "She also said that if I'm asking you to do so ahead of time, then it's no different than a BDSM fetish."

His eyebrow ticked high. "Swan, while I'm game for just about anything with you, I don't think we're anywhere near that point in our relationship."

"Calm down, I wasn't asking for whips and chains. Yet." His other eyebrow joined the first. "I'm strictly talking the dominance push thing. Think back to our night, did I once tell you to stop or that I didn't want to keep going?"

"No, but you weren't able to love. I used the word 'stay'. You wouldn't have been able to stop me."

"Yeah… no. You said stay, not shut up. Not obey. Nothing that prevented me from trying to stop you. And even then, you're intent was for me to stay with you mentally. To stay with you and not succumb to my anxiety."

He sighed. "Point to you, but it doesn't make it right."

"I'll give you that. What I'm suggesting is that from here on out, we keep it as an option. I understand it's something we both need to have a bigger talk for, iron out details or safe words… you know, stuff. But we've hit this rut. We can't keep waiting on my issues because they obviously want to hang around. Please think about it Killian?"

He'd promised Robin to hear her out, promised to push his need to protect her as far away as he could to follow her lead. Her green eyes were searching his face. She couldn't push herself as far as she wanted to go and she had found a loophole for him to push her instead. And he was the right kind of rotter who was considering it. He could have her, truly have her. Set the bond and maybe walk her through that last bit of darkness that took over her mind. It sounded too good to be true. And Killian knew all about things that sounded that way.

He swallowed again, pulling her in close. "I've told you before Emma, your safety and well-being trumps your agency. However much you want this, I can't let you suffer." She stiffened in his arms, ready to fight him for what she wanted. "But. But my darling, I shall think it over."

She wriggled and he let her pull back just a bit to see his face. "Really? You'll try this?"

Damn him to hell and back for allowing such cravings to enter his heart. "I didn't acquiesce Swan, I agreed to think about this. Consideration is all I'm able to promise. My first inquiry is to you of course."

Her eyebrows raised. "It's my idea Killian, what more is there?"

He opened his senses as far as they could go. "Taking this path will lead to a bond."

"Which we already have."

"Yes, but as you've now learned, it's half formed at best. Taking this step will make it irrevocably ours. You will be mine, and I will be yours. There's no breaking up, no moving on. Death is the only surest way to break it, and even then it can linger like a phantom limb. I couldn't allow it because you had already lost so much freedom, are you sure you want to lose more?"

"I already thought we were bonded Killian."

"But there will be a day when these nightmares won't plague you as often. And maybe when that happens, you'll desire your independence once again."

Her hand moved to the front of his shirt, fingers tapping an unknown rhythm. "For the record: the only one who saves me is me. And there's no going back to what I had, not unless someone erases the last year. I don't want that. I don't have Graham and Ruby and Granny like I used to, but I'll have more of them when I manage to get over some of this. I have friends here at Brookside, and I have friends with the Nomads. I couldn't give them up. And I have you. I kinda like having a boyfriend who –for once– is as loyal as a puppy."

Killian growled low in his chest and held her tighter to his body. "I'm no puppy love."

Emma chuckled, "I know. I'm saying I made my choice a while ago and I'm not looking to change my mind on it."

Killian swallowed. "You and I will speak more on it later. There will be particulars to sort through should we go through with your plan."

Emma nodded. "I know, I get it. Safe words and tap outs. After care plans–"

"Woah–"

"We definitely need to exchange lists of what's allowed, what's not, and what's open for discussion…"

"Woah, woah woah woah." Killian couldn't help but laugh a little. "Easy Swan. We aren't strapping up in latex or leather." He wasn't positive, but Killian could have sworn his Emma looked a tad dejected. "Just looking for a way to help you get passed some knee bending kisses."

She smiled again, that perfect smile. "I am a really good kisser."

He leaned in, brushing his lips against hers. "That you are love."

She hummed and pressed herself to him, fingers grasping his shirt and a hand sliding into his hair. Her lips were soft while her teeth nipped at him. She was sunshine in his arms and he indulged in her for a while. She was lighter than she had been in weeks, and he'd feel guilty later he was sure, for being the source of her dimmed nature. But the gunpowder, that spark and burn that had always sat behind her sunlight, was still missing. The fight in her was still missing. She had bursts here and there, moments that pushed her into actions such as these. But if she were to survive in this world –a feat he was singularly focused on– that fire had to return.

She hummed again, slightly pushing at his chest. Killian would prefer to blame Zuul for the tightening of his arms, or the possessive growl in his throat as he chased her lips for more, but he wasn't clear on which of them was adverse to stopping their moment. She wasn't helping the matter when she giggled in response. He could swallow that noise, feast on it for days.

"Easy tiger," she said once she was able to pull away enough, "Let's go mingle before Mary Margaret sends someone after us. Do you think we can schedule that talk for tonight when we get home? I'd like to hammer out some details while we can." She held up her hands when his jaw ticked once. "Not to say yes or no, just what is allowed and what isn't, and I wasn't kidding with that after care stuff. You've been great with it, but I think we can do better. No decisions, just battle plans."

How did we manage this? Do we deserve it?

It doesn't matter. We have her.

"Killian?"

He cleared his throat. "Aye love. At home tonight, battle plans." He tilted his head and took another kiss, reaching his hand into the tumble of her hair. He aimed for something gentle, something soft, but kissing Emma was always a lesson in restraint. So he put his lips to her forehead when the tension in his body started to focus itself. "Come along then, before they start rumors about us."

Emma chuckled as her arm looped around his. He spared another kiss to her temple before leading them to the dining hall.