Oh, yes! Time for the big one!
The Chum Bucket, the spring of 2010…
"I'M HUNGRY!"
Plankton screamed as "Pearl" emerged from the dumpster and ran into the Chum Bucket. Like any cartoon in a life and death situation, he boarded up his door in five seconds flat.
He sighed in relief. "That should keep her out."
And like any cartoon chasing after another cartoon, "Pearl" suddenly materialized behind him, crouching on her hands and knees. She gave him an evil smile, "I want plankton meat!"
"Holy protozoas!" Plankton screeched and ran into his main lab. "Karen, she's here! She got in!"
"What are you talking about?" his not-so-loving computer wife grumbled, clearly keen on being anywhere except in her husband's presence.
"The whale's in the laboratory!" Plankton jumped around like a frightened child.
"You mean Krabs's big, scary teenage daughter again?" Karen mocked him. "Oh, there's nothing scarier than a phone-obsessed porpoise going through puberty."
"It's not funny, Karen!" Plankton hugged her pole and pointed at the other room. "She's there! Krabs must have sent her! It's an assassination attempt!"
Karen groaned. "Alright. If it will make you shut up, we'll go check."
She rolled into the other, unlit room, with Plankton clinging on to her. But big shock, the room was empty.
"I'm not seeing any blubber-coated would-be assassin." Karen deadpanned.
Plankton jumped off and looked around frantically. "I swear! A whale was just in here. She was next to the transmutator. She was right here in this spot! Her mouth all frothy, her blowhole blowing!"
Sheldon had gone off the deep end, Karen wondered when that would finally happen.
She turned around carelessly. "If you'll excuse me, I have to get back to more permanent primary functions."
"No! Don't leave me!" Plankton grabbed her pole again. "She'll eat me alive!"
"Plankton, how about a quiz?" Karen snarked. "What century do we live in?"
"The 21st century?" Plankton replied, puzzled.
"Bingo. It's not the stone age." the W.I.F.E snarked. "Whales don't eat plankton in Bikini Bottom. You're being ridiculous."
"But she really was here!" Plankton cried, holding on to her pole tightly. "And she said she would eat me!"
"How about you continue raving like a delusional paranoiac on your own time, honey?" Karen suggested, barely hiding her disdain.
"No! You're not leaving me until this carnivorous cetacean has been dealt with!" Plankton said defiantly, holding on to his wife for dear life. "You and I will have each other's back all day and all night."
Now Karen felt a legitimate emotion; horror, at the thought of what Plankton proclaimed.
She sighed exasperatedly. "I knew this would bite me in the hardware unless I intervene."
The next day….
After receiving a few more visits from "Pearl" that night, Plankton was a paranoid wreck. He was sitting in the corner of his lab, his one eye twitching and darting in all directions, and holding a plasma gun.
"She's here. I know she's lurking outside. Waiting to consume me." He rambled to himself. "I can't risk stepping into the light. The whale might see me."
"Plankton!"
"AHHH!" Plankton fired blindly. Good thing he had such lousy aim, or Karen would have had her monitor melted off.
Karen looked at the ceiling and noticed several holes, one of them fresh and sizzling. The walls were also littered with holes. The whole laboratory had more holes than Spongebob's head.
"Karen! Don't sneak up on me like this!" Plankton cried angrily, much to the W.I.F.E's annoyance.
"You're in no danger, you dolt." She said bluntly. "And I have the evidence to prove it."
She gestured at their guest, who was Pearl, typing on her phone.
"AHHHHH!" Plankton tried to shoot her, but his gun was empty.
"Could you please explain to my husband that you weren't stalking him?"
"Huh? Where's my fifty bucks, computer lady?" Pearl said petulantly.
"What?" Karen exclaimed. "I gave you your fifty dollars!"
"Yeah, my payment for not going to Nixie's totally coral party." Pearl huffed. "But I'm not staying at this dump for another second unless you fork over more cash."
"That wasn't part of our deal!"
"Then I'm leaving." Pearly turned around.
"Wait! Alright, here's your money." Karen reluctantly handed her another fifty-dollar bill.
"Sweet!" Pearl snatched it with a big smile.
"Now could you please tell Plankton the truth?"
"Tell what to who?" Pearl blinked.
"Were you even listening to me?" Karen grew annoyed.
"Yeesh, touchy much?" Pearl shrugged. "Like it's my fault that I was more interested in texting about how dreamy Brad Barracuda is instead of listening to some old crone prattle on."
Karen facepalmed. Pearl had just reminded her why she never built herself a child.
"Karen! How could you do this to me!" Plankton cried, cornered against the wall.
"What's his problem?" Pearl finally noticed the copepod.
"You're my problem, you conniving plankton predator!" Plankton pointed at her. "You want to eat me!"
"Blah!" Pearl stuck her time out. "Gross! I don't eat plankton!"
"Yes, you do!"
"No, I don'!" Pearl scowled and put her flippers on her hips. "What do you think I am? Some old person who still hunts her food instead of buying it at a store? Predation is so last century!"
"See, I told you." Karen said smugly.
"Besides, I'm a sperm whale. We never even hunted plankton to begin with, duh!" Pearl elaborated. "We prefer squid."
"But that doesn't mean I'm a cephalophobe! That's not coral!" Pearl was quick to deny the accusation no one in this room made. "I'm not a cephalophobe because I have one friend, Shelia, who is a squid. And I always hold myself back from telling Mr. Squidwart what a boring, fashionably-challenged dweeb he is."
"Or in simpler terms, you have no intention to eat my hubby." Karen summarized.
"But she was here yesterday! Chasing me and trying to eat me!" Plankton cried, not looking very reassured.
"What are you talking about? I haven't seen you since you came to tickle torture my dad for info yesterday?" Pearl shrugged. "And I would never be caught dead at the Chum Bucket."
"But…but…"
Pearl groaned and turned to Karen. "Whateves! Just give me my fifty bucks so I can blow this dump."
"What the? I gave you a hundred bucks already!" Karen retorted.
"No. You gave me fifty bucks to come with you, fifty bucks to step foot and stay in the Chum Bucket and now you need to pay me fifty bucks for talking to this sad, little dork." Pearl pointed at Plankton.
"Do you have any clue how damaging it would be to my reputation if people started gossiping that I hang out with old losers like you two? I need the money to buy some swanky material possessions that will win back my friends' shallow affection."
Pearl crossed her flippers. "Now pay up, or I'm gonna snitch on you two. Tell Daddy how his arch-rival is having a mental breakdown."
"Lousy, spoiled brat…" Karen grumbled and gave her another fifty-dollar bill. Pearl happily skipped out of the restaurant, while making the ground tremble with each skip.
Karen turned back to Plankton. "Now do you believe me?"
"No! I know what I saw!" Plankton scowled, regaining some vigor. "That adolescent abomination broke into our home and threatened me several times. Krabs sent her!"
"Then why doesn't she remember any of it?" Karen replied smartly. "It's obvious that brat would never do something for anyone unless they paid her, something that goes against Krabs's modus operandi."
"If she didn't come here, then who did? Are you insinuating that Krabs dressed up as his daughter to frighten me?" Plankton asked incredulously.
"That's a distinct possibility." Karen said sincerely. "Did you find anything off about her?"
"No! She looked the same as she did now!" Plankton insisted, before slowly starting to ponder. "Well, her body was covered in stiches and she did have big, meaty claaaaaa…." he zoned out as the realization hit him like a speedboat.
Plankton clenched his fists and growled, "Why that conniving bottom feeder!"
"Aww, well done, sweetie. You deserve a brownie." Karen said snidely.
"Don't mock me, woman!" Plankton snapped at her. "Revenge! I must have revenge! That crooked crustacean will rue the day he ever tried to scare me into a suicidal depression!"
"For once you have a bright idea." Karen said passive-aggressively. "By all means, take your revenge, and take you sweet time exacting your revenge. All day if you have to. I won't wait for you."
"I must give him a taste of his own medicine! But how?" Plankton asked her. "Krabs knows my biggest fear, but I don't know his?"
If she had eyes, Karen would have rolled them. "Oh, I think I have a pretty good idea what Krabs fears the most. You really don't have to be a super-computer to figure that one out. Remember that phony court session where you tried to sue Krabs?"
"What about it?" a crabby Plankton asked.
"Remember how Krabs reacted when Spongebob threw a dollar into a blender?" For emphasis, her screen played footage from that court session.
"Daddy's got ye! Daddy's got ye! Daddy ain't forgotten you."
"Bah! That's of no use to me!" Plankton waved his hand dismissively when it hit him. "Wait! I know what his greatest fear is!"
"Of course! Krabs can't bear the sight of money being harmed in any way!" Plankton rubbed his hands and chuckled evilly, feeling like the smartest person in the world.
"I'm glad I thought of it." He pointed at himself smugly.
Karen made no comment.
Later that day…
It was closing time at the Krusty Krab and Mr. Krabs locked the door before uttering his trademark pirate laugh.
"I'm tellin' ye, Mr. Squidward. Tis th' best idea I had since installin' pay toilets!" he boasted while walking back home with his disgruntled cashier.
"You are an evil mastermind, sir." Squidward said monotonously.
"I can't believe I didn't try this before!" Krabs laughed heartily before rubbing his claws gleefully. "Jus' a few more scares 'n it will be by-by, pipsqueak!"
Suddenly, a huge, white robot hand grabbed Mr. Krabs and hoisted him into the air.
Squidward looked mildly shocked before deciding to just move on. "Just keep walking, Squidward. Pay no mind."
Krabs was in the grip of a giant Plankton robot and was lifted to the huge porthole on his head serving as the eye. There he saw his arch-enemy piloting the giant mech.
"Good afternoon, Krabs-baby!" the copepod exclaimed dramatically.
"Plankton!" Krabs growled. "What be the meanin' of this!"
"Oh, don't try to be coy with me, Krabs!" Plankton retorted. "I know what you've been up to!"
"Har! Ye can torture me all ye wants!" Krabs declared boldly. "I'll never reveal th' Krabby Patty formula t' th' likes of ye! Do yer worst, ye little shrimp!"
Plankton grinned maliciously. "Oh, this has nothing to do with the Krabby Patty formula, Krabs! It's just some good ol'fashion payback! Payback for exploiting my greatest fear!"
"What are ye natterin' about!" Krabs scowled.
"I know you dressed up as your daughter to scare me! I ain't stupid!" Plankton answered. "And I gotta commend you for it, my old foe! It almost worked! You are a villain after my own heart, but now it's time you faced the consequences!"
"Ha! Ye think ole Armor-Abs Krabs be scared o' anythin'?" Krabs shot back proudly. "Don't make me laugh, ye miserable scallywag! Give me yer best shot! I dare ye!"
"Oh, are you sure?" Plankton smirked and held up a dollar.
Krabs lost his composure a bit. "What are ye doin' wit' that dollar?"
"Watch." Very slowly, Plankton ripped off an edge from the bill.
"No! Wha' are ye doin'! Not th' money!" Krabs started to sweat.
"Oh, I'm just getting warmed up." Next Plankton, once again very slowly, started ripping the bill in half.
"N-n-noooo!" Krabs freaked out. "Ye monster, what are ye doin'!"
The dollar was ripped in two, and it actually made the hardened old sailor cry like a little boy.
"NOOOOO!" Krabs wailed. "Have ye no soul!"
"Nope! In case you've forgotten, I'm a very evil man!" Plankton laughed in triumph, before adding. "And as I'm about to teach you…" he gestured at a small stack of money "….there are plenty of inventive ways to dispose of money!"
He then gestured at a bunch of stuff behind him, which included his trusty plasma gun, a pair of scissors, a blender, a meat grinder, a flask of highly corrosive acid and a flame thrower.
"Lemme give you your first demonstration!" Plankton grabbed the scissors and was about to cut another dollar bill in half.
"No! Make it stop! Make it stop!" Krabs cried and struggled in the robot's grip.
Plankton laughed diabolically when Karen's green electrocardiogram mouth appeared on a small screen among the controls. "Plankton, you do realize we need that money to pay the bills?" she deadpanned.
"Oh, quit spoiling my fun, you nag!" Plankton shot back before shrugging. "I'll just vaporize the bill collectors again. Plankton out!" he pressed a button and ended the call.
"Now? Where were we?" he grinned ear to ear (if he had any) as his scissors slowly cut into the dollar bill, once again savoring the moment.
"NOOOOOOO!" Krabs cried, horrified by the sight but unable to look away.
Back at the Chum Bucket….
"Why do I even bother?" Karen shook her monitor, while siting at a romantic, candlelit dinner.
Her date, dressed in a dashing black tuxedo cleared his throat and offered her his gift, a boquete of flowers and a box of chocolates.
"I brough you something, Karen. A special gift for a special lady."
"Awww…..SpongeRobert, you shouldn't have?" Karen cooed as she took it before adopting a more serious tone. "No, really. I can't smell these flowers nor can I consume these chocolates."
Spongebob frowned a bit, but Karen quickly patted him on the hand. "But I still appreciate it. It's the thought that counts. You're such a sweetheart."
Spongebob smiled but his smile once again faltered a bit.
"What's wrong?"
"I dunno, Karen." Spongebob looked uncertain. "This still doesn't feel right. Should we really be doing this to Plankton?"
"Don't be silly." Karen laughed it off. "He's your enemy, remember? You shouldn't be concerned with the feelings of your enemy. Besides…"
Her hands connected with Spongebob's and they looked at each other, enamored. "…..a real man wouldn't cheat on his woman, especially with his arch-enemy's aging mother."
Spongebob giggled impishly. "You're right. It's just a pity our meetings always have to be so short, so Plankton doesn't find out and all."
"Oh, don't you worry about that." Karen reassured him. "I have a feeling both him and us will be very busy tonight…."
So Spongebob is into girls after all, just not of the flesh and blood variety? Who'd have funked? Obviously this is a meta joke regarding Tom Kenny and Jill Talley being married in real life, yet their characters seldom interact on this show. And let's face it, Karen and Plankton have a terrible marriage, considering Plankton outright cheated on his wife on at least two occasions, and another time ("Frozen Face Off") tried to kill her and showed zero remorse. Not to mention all his talk about "You're not a real wife, you're just a computer, I can do whatever I want". Yeah, it wouldn't surprise me that Karen is secretly seeing a more attentive and affectionate guy.
But let's talk about this episode. Man, this is one of the most tone-deaf episodes Spongebob has ever produced, along with "Demoliton Doofus". And much like several other Mr. Krabs-centric episodes from the Dark Age of Spongebob, the writers seem to be aware to some extent that he's in the wrong (what with Spongebob's half-baked attempt to tell his boss he'd gone too far) and yet still felt the need to have him come out on top in the end? Why? Were they just slaves to formula, and couldn't have Plankton win for once, even when he deserved to win? I really don't get it. And I know suicide jokes aren't unheard of in cartoons, even in today's age but to have it be the plot of the episode, to have one of the good guys (I use that term loosely) psychologically torture his enemy by exploiting his biggest fear until he wants to end his own life? That's just plain wrong, especially for a show like Spongebob.
This episode was just painful to revisit. I'm so glad that after the second movie, if nothing else, the new writers have stopped trying to emulate Ren & Stimpy or The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy. Some dark humor is always welcome in Spongebob, but there's a limit.