"Alright," Stella held her head high as she walked up the apparatus floor and saw everybody else was already there, "I know everybody's gonna bust my balls over this, go ahead, get 'em in, take your best shot."

The guys stood around and looked at her bobbed hair and nobody said anything at first. Finally Capp did what he did best and commented, "Still got more hair than me."

Everybody groaned and rolled their eyes.

"Don't listen to him, Kidd, it looks great," Herrmann said.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah...so how'd you train a poodle to lie down like that?"

A couple of the guys let out shocked laughs at that, Stella didn't move from where she stood but she opened her mouth enough to flash her teeth at Herrmann.

"Seriously, we're all glad to have you back, it's been too quiet without you," he added, "And the guys on Truck will agree."

"We still haven't gotten someone new?" Stella asked.

Herrmann shook his head, "Nope, it's like the department's forgotten we're even alive, let alone that we're operating a man short. And between you and me, the crybabies on Third Watch are getting tired of filling in."

"Okay everybody, listen up," Herrmann commanded the attention of everybody at Molly's that night. It had been an emotional day and everybody was still feeling the effects of it, but the mood was far better than it had been that first night after the funeral. "Now everybody knows without Otis here I've been trying to find somebody to help me run this bar, so all you's ungrateful neanderthals got somewhere to go and kill time at night."

Everybody laughed.

"And as most of you know, I've been in negotiations with Mouch to buy out part of Otis's share of Molly's, as of today, he's a new co-owner and second bartender in command."

Everybody applauded as Mouch smiled just enough that his mustache turned up at the corners.

"And now for the part you didn't know," Herrmann said, "I've just today been made another offer by another fellow smoke eater who came to me with an expressed interest in doing something different with his life and his days off-shift, so everybody let's have a round of applause for our combination third co-owner/bartender/bouncer, Tony!"

This second announcement caught everybody off guard and for a couple seconds nobody reacted, then one by one they all applauded, and one by one demanded to know why they hadn't heard anything about it. Tony's only response as he knocked back a beer was, "No comment."

A sudden sound grabbed everybody's attention and they all looked around the bar to figure out what it was.

Herrmann did a double take and said, "It's Cruz's laptop."

Everybody looked around at one another and nobody was sure what to do. Cruz had only been in for a few minutes before leaving, and it was only after he'd gone they realized he left his computer on the counter.

Herrmann, being the closest one to the laptop, inched his way over like it was a snake about to bite. He grabbed the top and opened it up and everybody gathered around for a look.

What greeted them on the screen was a live video of Brian Zvonecek, who waved at them, "Hey guys!"

"Otis!" Everybody crammed around the screen to see their friend and everybody started talking at once.

"Oh my God, Otis," Sylvie said, "we've missed you so much!"

"Yeah, you're looking good," Herrmann observed, "how're you doing?"

Brian shook his head, "I never thought it'd be such an adjustment living back in Russia, but Chicago it definitely ain't. How're you guys all doing?"

Everybody started talking over each other again. Otis leaned back in his chair and laughed, "Some things never change."

"Oh, oh! Otis," Sylvie said as she dug in her pocket, "we made a video today to show you," she took her phone out and stared at it, "I hope this works." She turned her phone around so the screen faced the computer's screen and said, "Let us know if you can see it."

What came up on her phone was shaky footage showing everybody's backs as they walked outside, and offscreen Boden's voice could be heard.

"Come on, guys, gather around."

The sea of firefighters parted and something came into view at the end of the apron that had a tarp draped over it.

Boden's voice continued, "Who's going to remember us? It's a question that all of us who do this job, we ask ourselves at one moment or another. Who will remember our work after we're gone? Darren Ritter."

The tarp came off and a monument was revealed with a plaque that read:

In Memoriam

Firefighter

Darrin Ritter

Who lost his life in the Arnow Mattress Factory Fire, May 22nd, 2019

And to all the Firefighters

Past and Future Who Lay Down

Their Lives For Others

"He was our brother, he was our friend, he was a hell of a firefighter. He was smart, he was funny, he was kind, he was unselfish, and he was loyal. It's said that there is no greater love than to lay down one's own life for his friends. There is also no greater sacrifice. That's what Ritter did, because that's the kind of man he was. So if you see someone, a fellow firefighter, a citizen, friend, standing, looking at this memorial, I want you to come down this apron and you tell them about Darren. You tell them the story about who Darren was, the kind of man he was. That way, you will bring this memorial to life."

The video ended and when Sylvie pulled her phone back, they could see Brian starting to well up at the footage.

"That's great, guys," he said, "that's," he sighed, "really great."

Everybody knew the explosion was coming, what nobody knew was how soon it would happen. Everybody started running, all except Otis, who for some reason, for a few seconds, just stood there watching what was about to unfold, before finally turning and running to join the others. He didn't know if the explosion would happen in the next second, or the one after that, or the one after that, if he would get out of the way in time, if this would be the call he died on.

"Otis! Get out of the way!"

The next thing he knew was a falling sensation as he went hurtling to the floor a few feet further than he was. Then the explosion happened, and it was the most deafening thing he'd ever heard. He felt the heat on the back of his turnout gear, he felt like he'd been set on fire, in his mind he could see the back of his turnout coat melting under the heat. Half of his brain was screaming at him to stay where he was, the other half was screaming at him to get moving incase there was another explosion, acting on a blind impulse, he pulled himself across the floor, his whole back feeling burnt, and feeling like he was stabbed with millions of needles, but otherwise not aware of anything.

When the flames died down, he heard someone calling his name, "Otis!"

It was Cruz, it took a few seconds for this to register in Otis's head as his best friend pulled him to his feet and was asking him if he was alright.

"Someone..." someone, who? Otis knew who it was but he couldn't think. Who had knocked him down? "Someone pushed me out of the way..."

It didn't even occur to him to wonder if he was actually still in one piece or not. His back felt hot enough to be blistered.

"Ritter!"

Ritter, that was the guy's name, that's who'd called to Otis and knocked him down just before the explosion. Where was Ritter? Otis turned his head and saw Herrmann in the corner of the room with a wide eyed look and all the color drained from his face.

Otis was aware of people running, people screaming, then he heard those words nobody on the job ever wanted to hear, "Firefighter down!" By that time it all seemed so distant, as if he wasn't even a part of them. After that he was faintly aware of things, sensations, he felt his feet moving but he didn't remember actually walking, he felt his mask come off, and his air bottle, and his turnout coat, and he felt himself laying on his back and heard a siren that in his opinion sounded like it was sick. He was aware of people talking somewhere, they sounded close to him, but he couldn't make out what they were saying. His back still felt hot, but the air felt nice and cool on it. He felt something placed over his face, and he tried to take it off, but he lost his strength to try.

He woke up in the hospital in a bed, he slowly looked around and tried to figure out what was going on. He heard the monitors calmly beeping that said his vitals were good, there wasn't anyone in with him. He didn't see anyone standing outside the doorway either. It was creepy. He tried to sit up, his whole body was sore, he called out for someone, anyone, he hardly even recognized his own voice.

A nurse briefly appeared, and then she was gone, and then someone else came into the room, it was Cruz, and he'd been crying, and when he saw Brian was awake and sitting up, Joe looked like he was going to have a heart attack.

Otis slowly came to find that he'd gone into a severe traumatic shock, and had been kept overnight for observation. He'd been banged up in the fall and the explosion, his turnout gear had withstood the flames but his skin was still tender to the touch and probably would be for a day or so.

"What's going on, Joe?" Brian asked, not remembering everything that had happened, but knowing Cruz wasn't this upset over him.

Joe looked down at him, eyes full of tears and his mouth twitching as he tried to hold it together as he explained, "Ritter...he...he didn't make it."

"Ritter?" the name sounded foreign as Otis said it, but a memory came flooding back to him. "He pushed me out of the way just before the explosion, he..." he fell back against the bed as he realized, "he saved my life."

"He got caught in the explosion," Cruz explained, "when we loaded him up in the Ambo, we removed his turnout gear and his whole body was burned...he made it here but...not for long. They only let a few of us in the room to say goodbye."

After the fact Otis realized Cruz had to be in some degree of shock himself to even tell him all this at that time, but hearing it, Otis felt worse than he had at any other point in his life, even worse than the time he'd gotten shot in the neck.

"One of the last things he said was, he asked if you got out okay," Cruz said, and shook his head, "He had to be in so much pain, but when he heard you were alive, I think he actually smiled."

"Oh God," Otis broke down crying at that bombshell as it finally sunk in.

The next day when Otis was discharged from Med, he went with Cruz back to 51 where he knew everybody else would be, and sure enough they were, all just sitting around in a mournful silence of shock, disbelief and reluctant acceptance of what had happened. Nobody really looked at each other, nobody talked, Stella sat on the couch with both arms wrapped around Tuesday's neck and held the Dalmatian close to her, who seemed oblivious of the fact that his owner hadn't returned with them. Everybody about jumped out of their chairs when they saw Otis enter the room, and half of them crowded if he was okay, how he was doing.

Chloe arrived at the firehouse a few minutes after they did, and she ran to Joe and hugged him as she tearfully offered everybody her condolences. Things went from bad to worse a few minutes later when Ritter's boyfriend entered the firehouse to collect Tuesday and everything out of Ritter's locker. He wouldn't listen to their heartfelt apologies, and as he cleaned out Darrin's locker, he told them how hard it had been for Ritter when his uncle killed himself, and at that time he tried to persuade Darrin to give up firefighting, worrying that the same thing might happen to him someday, knowing how much all the fatal calls affected him. But Ritter felt he owed it to his uncle to carry on in his footsteps, so he pressed on. Now he was dead, and while his boyfriend inherently knew that it wasn't the fault of anybody at Firehouse 51, he couldn't stand to look at any of them, much less speak to them or even accept their apologies or condolences. His last stop before he left was to leash up Tuesday and jerk him away from Stella, who had gotten so attached to the dog, and now it was the only link left to Ritter. Stella futilely tried to stop him from taking Tuesday, but finally the Dalmatian took his owner's hint and jumped down from the couch and followed him, whining as he just now sensed that something was wrong, and the two of them left the firehouse, leaving everybody standing around in a painful and awkward silence.

Everybody gathered at Molly's that night, more just so everybody was together and accounted for and nobody was going through their grief alone, nobody talked, nobody ordered any drinks, they all just sat around looking at each other as they thought about where they went from here.

Otis broke the silence by calling for the attention of everyone in the bar. He stepped forward and addressed the crowd.

"There's something I have to say, and it's not easy, Boden already knows the gist of it because I talked to him about it this morning. The only other person who knows about this is Dr. Charles, because he was there. A few months back when we were on a call about a building fire, we were trying to get all the residents down the stairs and out to the street, and this woman took her baby and got in one of the elevators figuring it'd be faster..." The silence became even grimly more so as everybody already knew what the other half of that statement was. "The elevator got stuck on the fire floor...I brought it down, pried the doors open...and there they were...I was taken to Med, and Dr. Charles suggested evaluating me for PTSD." He shook his head, "I said no, hell no, if I get diagnosed with PTSD, I couldn't be a firefighter anymore, and there was no way I was going to give that up. I busted my ass to make it up from candidate, to belong, to prove myself as a firefighter, I fought to overcome ITP, I fought my way back from being shot in the neck, nothing and nobody is going to take this away from me, this is where I belong."

Otis became silent as he looked around at everybody and said, "Maybe Dr. Charles was right...I think all firefighters have PTSD to some degree, how can you not? The stuff we see day in and day out, we carry it over into our private lives, we carry it over into our dreams, what we deal with is the stuff true nightmares are made of, and we all know nobody walks away unscathed. This is evidenced by how many firefighters ultimately kill themselves, something we try damn hard not to think about, but it's always there, everybody knows somebody who did." He shrugged, "Whether I actually have PTSD, or not, what I know is...I just can't do this anymore."

There were a few murmurs of confusion as people looked around at each other, trying to make some sense of this. Otis continued, "I froze in that fire, why, I don't know, but if Ritter hadn't knocked me out of the way, I would be dead right now. That's...a lot to take in. People have died alongside me on this job...but nobody ever gave their own life to save mine, an-n-n-d I just have no idea how to react to that. I know 'grateful' is supposed to be somewhere at the top of the list, and I guess I am, because even though we have to accept death in order to do our job, I never wanted to die, but how do you put a word or a name on something like that? Somebody you work with, your friend, sacrifices their own life to save you...no matter what, it seems like one of the first questions for anybody is 'why me? Why me, and not them?' Because of Ritter's last act, my mom still has all her sons, my brothers still have their little brother...but at what cost? Ritter's family lost him, is that a fair trade? Is there a point? Is there a reason? Is this all part of some bigger plan? ...Or is it just bad luck of the draw, random incidences that don't mean anything?" He shook his head, "I don't know. I just know I can't do this anymore, I can't see anyone else die, and I can't be the reason anybody else dies. So...I'm finished at 51, I'm done with being a firefighter, and..." his voice was strained on the last word and he sounded like he was about to cry, but he fought it down to press on. "I know it may sound ungrateful, or cowardly, what I'm about to say. But I've tried to figure out why I was spared when Ritter wasn't...and I don't know what the answer is...but I don't think I survived this fire just to die in another one somewhere down the road.

"I'm the youngest of three brothers, Dimitri, Boris, and Brian. They're back home in Russia and...I just found out that my brother Dimitri was diagnosed with leukemia. Our dad was diagnosed with leukemia years ago and it killed him. I...this wasn't an easy decision to make, since I came to 51, you've all been my family, you're my brothers, and I love all of you, but I'm going back home to help take care of my brother, while I have the time, and I was given this second chance at life. Leaving all of you is going to be about the hardest thing I ever did, but, none of us ever knows how much time we'll have with the people we love, and I'm not going to lose anymore time to be with my brothers than I already have. So...thank you for letting me be a part of this family while I had the chance."

There was hardly a dry eye in the whole bar when he finished speaking and one by one everybody gathered around Otis and hugged him.

"When are you leaving?" Sylvie asked with tears running down her face.

Otis looked around at everybody, and sighed, and said, "I'll stay for Ritter's funeral, then I'm catching a flight home to Russia immediately after, I...I won't be here by that night. I know it's sudden, but I just feel like I can't stay here with all the memories of what happened at that factory, I hope you all understand, but I get it if you don't."

"We hate losing you," Casey told him, "but it'll be easier knowing you're alive and safe."

Herrmann swallowed a lump in his throat, but still felt his eyes burning with tears trying to well up and slip past his guard, as he told Brian, "Hey, don't you worry, we're gonna send all the positive energy we got to your brother, I'll reach out to Orlovsky, he'll have the whole congregates praying for him to kick this thing's ass."

Otis sadly laughed, "I appreciate that, Herrmann." He addressed everybody again and told them, "Listen...it's going to be hard as hell to leave all of you...and I know this is a selfish thing to ask, but, when I'm gone...don't contact me. Don't call me, don't text, don't email...I need to get back home, and settle in, and be with my family, and get adjusted to our new situation...and when the time's right, I'll get in touch with you. I know that's probably a lot to ask, but..."

"We understand, Otis," Casey said, "it won't be easy, but we'll respect your wishes."

Brian nodded tearfully but his voice stayed strong as he responded, "Appreciate it, Captain."

Cruz stepped to the front and told Otis, "I don't know what to say...it's going to be weird not having you here, I thought we'd be roommates about forever."

Brian smirked at that, and said something in Russian in response. He could tell by the totally confused look on Joe's face that he didn't understand one thing he'd just said, and he laughed, and told him, "It means, 'Brother, I will be with you always'."

"I'm gonna miss you, Otis," Cruz told him.

"I know, I'm gonna miss you too, but this is something I have to do."

"I respect that, I got a brother, and I know what it's like you'd do anything for them, but it's still gonna be hard as hell not having you here," Joe replied.

Otis nodded, "I know...when the time's right, I'll send you a message and let you know how I'm doing."

"Can't you even just let us know when you get there so we know you made it alright?" Cruz asked.

Brian shook his head, "I don't think so. I think I just need to get away from all of this for a while and work through some stuff. It won't be that long."