She hated funerals, everyone was either crying or praising how good the dead one was and she felt her breath stuck in her lungs. She never spoke, to anyone, avoiding the few questions about who she was; what would she say? Hi, you know he is dead because of me, I asked him to help me with the case that got him killed! It would have been the worst presentation ever. Plus no one actually cared about who she was, they were just trying to talk with everyone to make their own businesses.
She had sent a message to Cal, telling him she wouldn't have been able to meet him for lunch and that they had met at work in the afternoon. She had to talk to him, but after work. She had decided to break everything between them, she couldn't even think about the possibility of losing him due to herself, his only mistake being implied with her in some way. It had been a hard choice, though throughout a sleepless night full of tears, but it was the best one. It would have hurt, damn it already did, but his safety was more important than her happiness in that moment. Knowing he would have been safe made her happy actually.
Once she entered the bureau she spotted him immediately, it had always amazed her how her eyes could find him even in a crowded room. She knew that as soon as he had seen her face he would have understood that something went wrong but she had to be strong, work and then ask him to talk back at her place, where they could have some privacy.
"Hey, is everything alright?" he asked approaching her, seeing her worried face.
"Something happened. Don't worry I'm not hurt or anything but... can we talk once our shift is over? At my place?" there was no need in hiding her sadness from him, he would have understood it anyway.
"Sure" he simply answered, looking at her confused.
She looked tired, sad, exhausted and he didn't know why; what happened after he dropped her off to Nick's the previous day? Whatever it was it must have been either something big or awful.
He felt like he was working alongside with a robot, she wasn't displaying any emotion, she was moving slowly, he knew those movements. They were the same ones she made in his hotel room, the same ones she made that morning in Holt and Oksana's house, the ones she used to make when her mind was racing with thoughts and she couldn't talk about them. He looked at her like she was the most fragile thing in the whole universe, scared to even get near to her in order to look at her computer screen.
She was trying so hard not to break down in front of him and it wasn't easy. Every time he got near she could smell his cologne, that now felt like a stab in her already wounded heart, her body reacted to his, attracted by him by the same magnetic force that had always been there; invisible to everyone but clearly felt by them. It was a long day, well a long half of a day; not knowing how to approach each other but still having to work together was driving them crazy. They could even assume that someone in the bureau might have noticed their discomfort but no one dared to ask them what happened.
Finally their shift was over and she asked him to take his car and meet her at her place. The fact that she didn't offer to go with a single car and bring him home after it scared him, but after all they both had their cars in the FBI's parking lot, so it was normal to take both of them, maybe he was overthinking.
Her apartment was silent and their steps echoed in the living room. She silently closed the door, stopping in front of it and taking a moment before turning around. It was difficult and he was clearly waiting for her to say something, after all she was the one who planned the meeting. She took a deep breath, ready to tell him everything she wanted to say but at the same time she didn't want to make it real.
"Please let me speak because I've been thinking about this whole conversation since yesterday and I wanna say everything I have to" she started, taking all her courage and breaking the silence between them.
He nodded, listening to her words and trying to understand what could have gone wrong or what could have happened. He literally had no idea and he was scared to hear the answer. What if someone was after her? Or someone had threatened her?
"Yesterday when you left me at Nick's place... he told me that Tommy... the guy I had this... relationship with, before you, the one that left before you came at my apartment for the first time, is dead. He was helping me with a case but I thought that after we broke up he had stopped, instead he didn't. He kept looking into it and now he is dead" her words were whispered but still loud in the silence of her apartment and he actually didn't know what to say.
That morning he had heard that a detective from the BPD died but he also knew he got fired, so he didn't even think about the possibility of him getting killed while investigating.
"The case was related to me, being close to me had him killed. I don't know what to think, I don't know how to take this information, I've been thinking about it since I was informed and I came to the conclusion that I don't want anyone to get hurt because of me" she continued, slowly approaching the true intention of that whole conversation while he stayed silent, ready to listen to everything she said.
She must feel horrible, knowing someone was dead because of you was something that could tear you apart, he knew it. Emily didn't pull the trigger like he did, but he knew the feeling of being responsible for the death of someone, it was something hard to get through.
"I'm just trying to tell you that I don't want you to get hurt because I'm scared to lose you, I'm scared to live a life where you're not there and all I want is to protect you... from me. So even if it hurts, I can't be with you. We can work on this last case together and then break our work partnership as well" she felt her heart ache and she couldn't keep her tears anymore, breaking down and opening her heart completely for the first time in front of him.
"What? Emily please don't" she couldn't be serious, he didn't need protection, he needed her in his life, he could help her with the case and also ask for help in the FBI to have more informations and being protected by them.
"Cal please, I can't do this, I don't want you to get hurt, I need to protect you" she said again, her heart breaking with every word she said and her tears flowing down on her cheeks.
"By not allowing yourself to be happy?" he asked sadly.
"If it means that I won't find you drowned in a lake or killed in a parking lot then yes" she met his eyes and she felt her heart breaking all over again.
She couldn't be serious, he knew she felt something for him and she would never break their relationship without a reason; but he just wanted her to understand that what she was seeing as a big obstacle to their happiness was actually something that they could work out together. He could help her and ask for backups, everything would have been just fine. On the other hand he knew that fear of not being able to control their thoughts, he went through it too. The feeling of not being enough and trying to get everyone as far as possible from yourself, thinking that all you could to is hurt them in some way.
"Em I'm here, we can work on that case together and I'm sure a lot of people from the FBI would be happy to help. I won't push you, but I want you to know that we can make this work" he was trying so hard to keep the distance between them and not hug her, but he knew it was the best choice, getting closer now would have hurt more.
"We can't. I don't know what happened in those six years and the FBI said my case was closed. If it turns out I did something illegal or killed someone I would go to jail" she explained.
She had to investigate alone and try to remember as much as she could. Everything could have just been easier if she stopped investigating but she needed to know what happened, she needed to know how to stop those people from hurting someone else like they hurt her.
"To be fair I asked to be on the case we're working on because it helped me with mine. We met because of this. But I need to do this alone" she explained.
"So I both found and lost you for the same reason" he breathed out disappointed and she lowered her head.
"Please let me help you" he begged her one last time, trying to take her hand but she stepped back.
"I know how you feel, you're not alone, you don't have to be alone nor prove me anything. I'm here for you if you let me help, you can't say that breaking up is the best option because I know that it's gonna hurt you like hell. Please" he wanted to help, to be there, but he couldn't do it if she didn't want to.
"I'm sorry, I took my decision. Maybe one day if this whole situation will be over, if you'll still have a space in your heart for me, maybe we could... try this again" she looked down, trying to avoid his eyes.
"Ok" he simply answered.
"Ok?" she asked back for a confirmation.
"Yeah I mean what should I say? I can't force you to have me in your life. I could help with the case but if you don't want to I need to accept it" he answered sadly.
"I'm sorry" she didn't know what to say.
Knowing he didn't answer to her question about trying again once the whole case was over broke her heart. She couldn't force him to stay faithful to her until she was ready, but not hearing an answer confirmed her thought that maybe the whole relationship they got themselves into wasn't that serious as he said, maybe he didn't really care and he was just trying to get himself out of it. Or maybe her mind was tricking her, making her overthink, but she couldn't stop it.
"It's ok. Can you at least let me know if you need something? Please. I'm here if you need to talk" he tried to get closer to her again and this time she let him.
She looked up at him, meeting his worried eyes, he looked so sad. The last thing she wanted was to break his heart, but she had to protect him, from her, from all the troubles that being with her could lead to.
"Ok" she simply answered and he nodded.
"So I'm gonna see you tomorrow at work then?" he asked hopefully, he really hoped they could at least still work together without problems or weird situations.
"Yeah..." she said and he nodded again, waiting for her move.
She felt like she was trapped by some kind of force that was keeping her static, something that didn't want her to move or to let him go. His eyes were hypnotics and both her heart and body were reacting to his presence. Her gaze shifted from his eyes to his lips, she wanted to kiss him so badly but she knew it would have hurt more, plus she didn't know if she would have been able to part from him. She tried to speak, her eyes glued on his lips but nothing came out of her throat.
"You know it's a bad idea" he breathed out, almost reading her mind; catching her eyes and seeing her look away from him.
"I know... see you tomorrow?" she asked, trying to be strong.
"See you tomorrow" he echoed before exiting her apartment.
As soon as the door closed and she locked it she left herself fell against it, breaking down in a desperate cry that she was sure he could hear from behind the door if he was still there. She felt her heart break in a million pieces, a feeling what she hadn't felt in a long time. The previous time she felt it was when she discovered Nick had remarried when she came back, and even that time, due to morphine, she felt less pain than now. Her breath was short, she needed to calm down or she would have had a panic attack. Looking around in need of some fresh air she didn't know what to do, the only thing that could have made her feel better was knowing that no one was after her, that everything was fine and she could live a happy life with him, but unfortunately it wasn't reality.
With unsure movements she found the strength to get up from the floor, her legs driving her through the apartment to her bedroom. She approached the bed slowly, her eyes were wandering through the room and they stopped as soon as they locked with it. It was still there. She left it on the armchair in the corner of the room, a small place she never used, but now it felt like it was way bigger than that. She approached the piece of clothing like it was a lion that could wake up in any moment, like something untouchable and dangerous.
She took it with unsure hands and she wore the big black hoodie, his cologne filling her nostrils once again. She already missed it: his smell, his body, his warmth, his kisses, him. She laid in bed, wrapping herself up in the blankets, she wasn't hungry, she was just tired and exhausted by a long day. She hoped he would have never asked her to have his hoodie back, or at least not until his cologne would have been gone. She felt warmth spreading all over her body as she closed her eyes, imagining that it was him hugging her from behind and gently caressing her hair. It hurt, a lot. But she knew that it was the best choice, she couldn't let anything happen to him.