Chapter 11

I was lying in my four-poster bed with the curtains drawn after hearing Angelina and Alicia get dressed for class, looking up at the ceiling as if it held the answers. I knew one answer: Skipping breakfast would make things better. I couldn't even consider sitting in the same room as my potion's professor. What was wrong with me? My cheeks burned with mortification at last night, how I fucking moaned as he held my wrist, who does that? God, that touch had felt so good though. I shuddered as my body had a visceral reaction to the memory.

I took a deep breath and refocused myself: Why was this happening? I had never heard of a single spell, potion, or otherwise that involved unraveling by a simple touch. Maybe it was a love potion. But that didn't sound quite right. A love potion normally caused obsession with the person and I really only felt inclined toward Professor Snape when he was physically touching me. The rest of the time, he was my snarky and reluctant professor, who seemed to view me like I was a nuisance. Not the type of feelings that inspired romance. No, it wasn't a potion. Maybe it was a spell. But I had never heard of a spell like this before. It was possible Professor Snape was casting a spell on me. I don't see why he would, and besides, he looked repulsed at whatever was going on between us as well. I considered the possibility that it might feel good for him too and snorted. No, honestly, I was probably just weirding him out as I moaned and stared at him. Besides, Professor Snape didn't strike me as the type to cast a nefarious spell on me. My gut was telling me he wouldn't do that, that I could trust him. Or maybe he just seemed too preoccupied to pay attention to me -his student, dear God I hadn't thought of that, that was a good point, why would he want to cast that type of a spell on me anyways?

I stared up at my canopy ceiling as if it would hold the answers. Maybe it's just hormones? Somehow… I didn't think so. Being on the run hadn't done much for my libido, to me honest, and there hadn't been any romance at all. Not that this was romance. Nope, certainly not. More like a weird spell or curse. I had kissed a boy or two back at Ilvermorny, but it didn't feel nearly as good as just my professor holding my wrist. Unbidden, a thought of kissing Professor Snape, running my hands through his dark hair, rose in my mind. I shuddered with a pang of longing; a hand wandered down to my core… I imagined his lips parting, as they did last night….

Stop it! I sat bolt upright in bed and threw my curtains back. It was silent in the dorms; I was the only student here. I rubbed the back of my neck, shame and frustration rolled into one. I grabbed my underwear, a bra, my robes, thick wool socks out of my trunk and threw on my clothes, then made my way into the girl's bathroom, raised my wand and ran it through my hair, my skin, my teeth. Nice and clean and… stressed. I smiled at myself unconvincingly. Great, now I just looked constipated. I rubbed some blush on my face, but it didn't help. I cast a quick spell, then yelped at the time. History of Magic had already started!

I grabbed my bookbag and accio'd my homework, then ran out the dorms and the empty Common Room, dashing through the hallways as quick as I dared. My hurried footsteps echoed down the corridor. I stopped in front of the History of Magic classroom, chest heaving from exertion, then pushed the heavy door and entered the room.

My classmates turned to look at me, but Professor Binns didn't stop his lecture. In fact, I lightly doubted he noticed my entrance at all; he was so enthralled with giving us a dry recount of ancient tomb creation in Egypt.

I sat down next to Angelina. She gave me a look and muttered, "Where were you?"

"Overslept," I muttered.

"You had us all worried, what happened last night? You looked really scared."

"Oh, ah… I forgot about an assignment that was due in Potions."

Angelina snorted. "We thought you had seen a ghost, but then again Professor Snape does inspire that sort of response."

I gave a weak laugh. If only you knew.

"Fred is looking for you, too. He was worried about you this morning; he went up to the girl's dormitory but of course the stairway spit him back out again."

"Ah, yeah, well, I'm fine, I just stressed from the long day. This Monday was particularly bad." I resolutely was not lying, that was all true.

Angelina snorted loudly, drawing the glances of a few of our classmates, but Professor Binns, quite literally dead to the world, droned on. "Not what you expected after all those years of homeschool, huh?"

"Not at all," I muttered. It truly had been so strange here since I started… First You-Know-Who, then Montague, learning I had Occlumency powers, the downright strange lessons with my Potions professor… what next? I was being pulled in a million directions without really knowing why behind any of them. Maybe Montague and You-Know-Who were connected. Maybe my Occlumency was even connected. I wasn't sure but my gut told me that all this happening at once was awfully suspicious. But I was lost. I didn't have enough information to see what I was dealing with. I had no clue why Occlumency was important if many of You-Know-Who's followers could perform it as well. My stomach hurt from the stress of it all. The months were ticking by and there still was no word from my parents. It was if they had seemingly vanished off the face of the earth. By now You-Know-Who could have killed them, tortured them, or worse. I took a deep breath and clenched my fist. I had to get them back no matter what. I had to get to the bottom of this. It felt like trying to summit a mountain with my eyes blindfolded. I just needed a direction to go in, any direction at all.

Chairs squeaked and my classmates were standing up, packing away books and notes. I looked down at my blank parchment paper and sighed, tucking it away in my bag.

By the time lunch rolled around, I couldn't imagine being less hungry. I approached the Gryffindor table with apprehension. Fred was scanning the hall and locked eyes with me almost immediately. I made a beeline for him.

"Cody!" he exclaimed as soon as I sat down. "What happened? Are you okay?" his voice conspiratorially lowered.

I waved my hands. "I'm fine, I just-"

"I was about to kidnap Montague." Fred ground out angrily.

"No!" I exclaimed loudly. "Wait, yes!" That actually wasn't a half-bad idea, maybe if I kidnapped him, I would finally get to the bottom of something that was going on… any clue. An urge to march over to the Slytherin table and stun Montague overcame me, and I exhaled angrily.

Fred's eyebrows drew together. "I should have kidnapped the git?"

"No, I mean…" I remembered what Professor Snape had told me last night about Fred's lack of occlumency skills and I groaned. Could I involve him in this safely without either of us getting in trouble, or Professor Snape or Dumbledore finding out? I glanced at the Head Table where Dumbledore was enthralled in a conversation with Professor Flitwick. Professor Snape's chair was absent.

"I mean… I can't tell you."

Fred followed me glance. "Is it because of him?" He gestured to Dumbledore.

I pushed back my food and stood up. "I can't seem to remember. Maybe a walk will clear my head."

Fred nodded sagely and grabbed a roll from the table. "Right then."

We left the Dining Hall as others continued to pour in around us, going against the current. Fred's strides were longer than mine and I followed him down a hallway and out into the grounds. We paced silently for several minutes down a worn path towards the end of the forest, silent. Fresh air hit my face and I inhaled deeply. The air smelled so good here, a freshness that fills the senses only being steeped in the wilderness and the mountains does. I missed being outside. At Hogwarts there was no reason to leave the castle unless it was part of a class. Before my life had gone sideways, I used to enjoy sitting on the porch of my parents' house and just being outside. We had deer that would come by, chickadees that sang in their cedar homes and a small army of chipmunks that would eat right out of my hand. I was hit with a pang of longing and wondered what the critters were doing now that I was gone from home.

"What do you reckon?"

"Hmm?"

"You reckon we are out of hearing range now?"

I glanced around me. We were the only ones out on the grounds. "More like out of thinking range."

Fred looked confused and I clarified, "Have you heard of Occlumency or Legilimency?"

Fred's brows furrowed together. "I've heard mum mention it a couple of times in passing. Only know it's some type of mind magic."

I nodded, choosing my words carefully. "I was recently informed- by Dumbledore, that thoughts aren't safe, because people with Legilimency can read them. So, I can't talk to you about anything anymore. In fact, it would be best if I just Obliviated you."

Fred stopped walking. "No way, that's bonkers!"

"I have to," I pleaded.

"No, you don't. I can learn Occlumency."

"How?" I asked desperately.

"I don't know. I'll ask the Order to teach me."

"Who?"

"Dumbledore?"

"He's too busy. I already asked."

Fred thumbed his wand absentmindedly. "There's got to be a way, Cody. If I pull in George, we can brainstorm and figure something out."

"No, you can't!"

"He's my twin," Fred countered. "He goes everywhere with me. Two heads are better than one,"

I bit my nails and looked towards the edge of the grounds out into the forest. Thick brush and old growth trees faded everything into a foreboding darkness. I thought I saw leaves rustling but blinked and it was gone.

"If we don't succeed… Obliviate us both," Fred argued.

I exhaled. "Okay. But you have one week."

Fred nodded, running his hand through his red hair. "That should be enough."

We started walking again, behind a large hut and towards the Quidditch pitches.

"Can you tell me what's going on?" Fred asked.

I shook my head. "Not until this Occlumency is figured out. In fact, can you not think about me, like at all, this week? Not about Montague, not about You-Know-Who… just pretend that I don't exist."

"Blimey, Cody. That's easier said than done. What are you worried about?"

I just shook my head and kept walking. "Later… if you can figure it out."

"Aren't they worried about you, too?"

"I'm not sure," I hedged carefully.

Fred sighed. "Okay, okay, I get it. Answer me this though, were you safe yesterday?"

I nodded. "I think so. I wasn't in danger. Just… startled."

We were walking across the quidditch field. It was so much longer on foot, at least three hundred yards. Out in the open, the cool fall wind picked up, blowing our robes around us. We lapsed into silence again.

"Can you say anything else?" Fred asked

"I'm afraid not."

He exhaled. "Okay. We will talk later. Before I lose my memory, or my nerve, will you go to Hogsmeade with me? It's on October 5th."

"What's that?"

He yelped. "You don't- of course you don't. It's when the Hogwarts students go to the nearby village. There's shops and pubs, friends go down together."

I looked at Fred from the side of my eye. He had his hands in his pocket, strolling nonchalantly.

"And we would be going as friends?"

He exhaled. "We are."

I was silent as I thought about it. His offer had taken me by surprise. I wasn't sure how I felt: not excited or disappointed, just surprised. Did I want something more with Fred? I hadn't really thought of it much at all… to me he just… was. Was part of my new life at Hogwarts, with all his good jokes during class yet ability to be serious. I wasn't sure I wanted something more, but it sounds like he didn't want it, so it was moot point anyways.

I tucked my hair behind my ears and nodded. "That sounds nice. I would love to go to Hogsmeade with you."

Fred smiled at me. "Right. You'll have a great time. The shops are excellent. There's an excellent candy shop there that has world class fizzing whizbees and a joke shop with the standard gags for the typical Hogwarts student..."
We walked slowly back to the castle, making easy conversation about Hogsmeade. Fred had Herbology with me next and we walked in together, laughing as Professor Sprout just began the lecture on practical applications of foraging in northern England forests. We sat down with the other Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs. Herbology was a popular seventh year class and the seats were almost all full. We sat in the back, as what I was learning was Fred's normal seat. Always in the back of every classroom. This was the one class he didn't have with George, but he remained busy the whole time, scrawling on his parchment and tapping his wand, totally oblivious to what Professor Sprout was saying. I wondered what he was working on. After class, he rushed off suddenly, calling back to me, "I'll talk to you later Cody- have to go talk to my better half," dashing up the path and disappearing into the castle.

I walked slowly back into Hogwarts and up to the library to finish up some homework, lost in my thoughts. There were only a handful of other students here, most had class, but Tuesday's I was done early after Herbology. I made my way through the maze of the library, strolling through the long shelves, my feet padding silently on the carpeted floor, until I found a nook in a far corner, tucked behind a shelf in a corner.

I sighed and relaxed, checking my surroundings. There were no other students here. The table obscured me from view unless someone was to walk directly by my table, which was in the middle of the "M" section. I idly studied the shelves, reading titles. "Magic for Mages, Magic through the Ages, More Recipes for the Handy Housewitch". The silence of a loud library, the silence of potential thoughts and uninterrupted concentration, surrounded me. I sighed, feeling the aches from my tense shoulders relax. I missed silence. Gryffindor Tower was always so loud. Now, it was just me, alone in my thoughts. High ceilings and tall stained-glass windows letting in the weak overcast light.

I pulled out my Herbology homework and set to marking a map of public forests with biannual deciduous sap production. I should hardly be focusing on this, I thought as I angrily sketched the boundaries of the Forest of Kent in a deep green. There were so many more pressing matters, like finding out more about my Occlumency, finding my parents, fighting off You-Know-Who so he left me the fuck alone. Instead I was here, doing homework like a good little student like Dumbledore told me to do. I set my quill down and growled under my breath. Even in the comfortable silence of the library it was impossible to relax when I was being called towards action.

I huffed, thinking about Occlumency. I held out my hands and looked at them, as if I could see a magical shield shimmering across my skin. No such luck. Nothing but my scraggly hands with ragged nails. I thought about my psyche and my magic, feeling it's pull at my core. I had never done this before but a couple of witches at Ilvermorny swore by meditation as a form of centering their magic. Okay, I could do that. I felt a tad bit hoaxy and glanced around surreptitiously. Nobody was watching me here. I closed my eyes and focused my energy on my core where I could feel my magic. It was there, bubbling up like a hot spring of golden lava. I tried to seize it and my mental view shattered.

"Fuck," I closed my eyes and tried again. This time my aura came up faster. I gripped my wand, feeling the same golden tendrils of magic in the wand tied to my core. This time I watched my aura bubble for several long minutes, studying it carefully, mesmerized as golden tendrils and droplets percolated merrily into smoke, then condensed back into liquid gold. Wow. I had never seen my magic before. It was… alive, and fiery. And bright, like standing next to the sun. I squinted at it. It was me, I realized. This time instead of seizing my magic, I reached out one careful finger. The golden tendrils licked my hands, a warm tickly sensation, as if I had put my hand into a fire without the burn. I laughed and turned my hand around, then put my other hand in, enjoying the warmth of my own alive body, my own soul, losing myself in the sensation. But I wanted… something more. How did I see my Occlumency? I grabbed tendrils of gold that slipped from my fingers. I cursed and paced around mentally. I tried hugging it, pushing at it, stepping on it, walking through, nothing changed. My essence just sat there, bubbling as if it was dead to my commands. But you're my magic! I raged internally and stomped my foot. My mental view shattered again and opened my eyes, sighing dramatically. It was dark in the library now; I had been sitting here for hours by the looks of it. A single floating lamp over my table burned low, a dim light compared to the brightness of my aura.

A scuffle next to the bookshelf got my attention. I wasn't here alone anymore.

"Who's there?" I called out.

No response.

I stood up, gripping my wand. "You better show yourself," My heart was pounding in my ears as adrenaline surged.

A tall figure in dark robes materialized from behind the bookshelf and I let out a half-scream before my brain caught up with my eyes and I recognized my companion.

"Out past curfew again, I see," Professor Snape sneered.

"Oh, thank God. It's just you." I sagged and lowered my wand.

"Just me, the professor who caught you red-handed out of bed." he stated, voice dripping with contempt.

"It's you- you know what I meant. I was worried it was another attack."

"Not everyone in the world is out to attack you at all times."

Professor Snape was in a foul mood today. I ground my teeth and shot back, "What are you doing here?"

He ignored my question. "Being your professor, I find it more appropriate to ask what you are doing here."

"Studying."

He raised an eyebrow at me. "Until one o'clock in the morning?"

I didn't realize it was so late. I swore mentally. "I got distracted. I tried to do some meditation and tap into my aura."

"Hmm." Professor Snape looked marginally less hostile, and his tone shifted into something more academic. "Did you reach it?"

"Yes, after some effort. It looks like a hot spring of golden lava."

"If I am hearing you correctly, your aura is a golden color?"

"Yes, like molten gold. It's pretty, bright like the sun. I've never seen it before."

"Hmm."

"But there's one problem," I continued. "I kept trying to control my energy but every time I did, it just slipped through my hands and I lost it. No matter how I tried."

"Well that's manageable enough. Just try asking it."

"I don't know what you mean."

"Ask it. It's your magic. It will listen to you. We will discuss it more during your lesson on Thursday and walk through some of the steps with our ongoing coursework." he replied, voice silky smooth.

I wrinkled my nose. He made everything sound so much easier than it really was. Sure, I'd be curious to see how easy it really would be at our next lesson. My stomach dropped as I remembered what had transpired between us merely a day ago at the previous lesson. I licked my lips nervously and dropped my eyes as we lapsed into silence.

"Uh, Professor… about last night…" I began lamely. Oh Christ, my internal monologue babbled at me. You are talking to him like you slept with him, not that you would ever do that! I was blushing furiously as I stuttered out, "Did you… feel something when our wrists touch… I mean, not that I, but I'm wondering…"

His eyes grew darker, if that was even possible, and he inhaled. "Besides the sweatiness of your palm? No, I did not." he replied evenly.

"Oh." my face was hot with embarrassment now. Dumb, Cody! You're so dumb. You literally touched his wrist and melted, what is wrong with you… I chastised myself and wiped my wrists on my robes. "Uh, sorry about that, I think I wasn't feeling very well after dinner… something about the cooking didn't agree with me."

He straightened his robes, expression impassive. "I inferred as much and thought it most likely that you were having a panic attack."

I stared at him, confused, then agreed slowly. "Yeah… a panic attack. Between the new castle, Montague, learning about Occlumency… I guess I was just feeling overwhelmed."

"No worries, I am quite used to dealing with ill students. But do consider going to Madam Pomphrey for a Calming Drought if you find yourself distressed again"

I picked at a fray hem on my robe, resisting the urge to blush. He thought I was having a panic attack. That is so much better than the alternative, and if I'm lucky it might just stay that way. A thought popped into my head: "Are you feeling better after… whatever it was that injured you? With You-Know-Who?"

He pinched the bridge of his nose. "It would serve our purposes to be more discreet in your questions, if there was anyone else that were to overhear our conversations the result could be catastrophic not only to you but many others as well."

"Erm, I'll try to do better about that. There's nobody here but us, though."

Professor Snape's nostrils flared, and his expression became hyper focused on mine, not staring at my eyes but the spot right above my forehead. "Always be on your guard."

I shrugged. "Hence why I was ready to attack you a minute ago after you scared me. Which you never explained why you were here sneaking up on me, anyways."

He raised an eyebrow and several textbooks he was holding. "Researching,"

"What for?"

He rolled his eyes. "Interrogations don't work on me."

"Oh." I tried to look at the book titles he was holding, but it was too dark to read any of them.

He noticed me staring and stowed the books away into his. "It is late. It is time for you to get back to your tower."

"Alright," I cleared my books away from the table. "Will you walk with me?"

"I trust you know your way back to the tower by now," he said snidely as we began to stroll along

strode amongst the dark shelves, with me keeping up on his hells as his robes billowed around him.

"I do. It's just, I'm jumpy," I exhaled. "No, forget it, it's fine."

We strode through the dark library together. A sudden rustling from behind a bookshelf as a cat appeared, hissing angrily. "Fuck!" I exclaimed, jumping and tripping over the hems of my robes, falling into the back of my Potions Professor who had stopped suddenly ahead of me, who had stopped at the sight of the cat, wand drawn, but turned towards me and cast wordlessly a bang from his wand that launched me back into the nearest bookshelf, where I hit the shelf and fell against the wall. Several books clattered to the floor around me and I groaned on the floor. The cat leapt away with a loud yowl.

I rolled over on floor. "What the hell?"

"Filch's cat," he spat angrily.

"I think you bruised me."

"It was necessary."

"To bruise me?"

He stood looming over me; shoulders stiff. "My actions were necessary to protect both of us from an attack. I apologize for any misdirected spells." he said stiffly.

I groaned and stood up, dusting my robes off. "Well. Try to have better aim in the future, yes?" The throbbing pain from my head and back made me angry and my tone was short as I glared at my tense professor in the gloom of the dark library.

"I have already apologized." his voice was even, at odds with his tense body. "You understand the necessity of being alert."

"Yes," I said slowly as a thought dawned on me. The cat was ahead of him, I was behind him. Bad aim was one thing, but this was in the complete opposite direction. It didn't add up anyways: he hadn't cast a spell until I had tripped.

"It is getting late," he said suddenly. "I trust you can find your way back to the dormitory." He left me standing in the dark library by myself. I muttered angrily and spelled the texts back to the shelf, then slowly walked out of the library, back to my dorm.