Merlin had gotten very good at hiding his feelings. Like scary good. He pulled up smiles and kept up the pretense and sometimes he let himself be happy. But he never let himself fall down. He learned the hard way that to let people in, was to tell people about himself, and Merlin was terrified of actually telling someone that he was immortal. He only let himself go once a week. When he got drunk.

He had made it very clear to all the few people in his life that weekend nights were his and nobody was to disturb him. Weekend nights were spent with strangers and wine and the wild thoughts in his mind. It was Friday night. Merlin knew that that next day he was meeting Elyan's friends and thinking about that just hurt Merlin even more. The way Elyan had given him a soft smile, scuffing the toe of his boot against the concrete. We're basically homeless and broke. Merlin couldn't help thinking how similar the situation was to him. Merlin had a flat. He had money in his pocket and a roof over his head but that was wildly different than having a home.

Elyan spoke of his friends fondly. Like they had known each other for years. Elyan didn't have money or a roof, but he was surrounded by the people he loved and knew. Merlin had everything he needed to survive in the world, but he couldn't imagine growing up and knowing even just a few people, and staying with them for life. Merlin wondered which was worse. Which was more valuable. A physical home? Or a home that resided in the people around him, even if they slept on the streets.

Merlin uncorked his bottle of wine and downed nearly a quarter of it in one gulp. The wine was bitter on his tongue, and Merlin smacked his lips noisily. He wondered if he could give Elyan and his friends his own flat. Merlin ought to pack up and leave soon anyway. It had been more than five years and Merlin's skin itched to move. He leaned over the railing of the balcony, the bottle balancing precariously in his hands. He wondered what would happen if he loosened his grip on the bottle. Just a little bit. Just enough for it to slip from his grasp and shatter on the concrete, four floors down.

Merlin gazed down the dark street and watched nothing in particular. His head throbbed and Merlin wanted nothing more than to go to sleep. But he stayed for god knows how long, watching, and waiting and wondering why his life constantly felt like it was hanging over an edge. Like one wrong move and everything would shatter but no matter how hard Merin tried, he couldn't loosen his grip. There was a gaping void that Merlin had always known was there. He couldn't deny the curiosity that came with it. There was a time when Merlin had spent all night at the library to see what was wrong with him and the only thing he could find was some old legend about a golden king and immortal warlock.

Merlin had stared at the page for a good five heartbeats, something in his mind ringing as if he was just there and if he pushed a little harder than everything would make sense but Merlin refused to move and stared at the screen until his vision went blurry and the words merged into a fumbled mess that he could no longer decipher. Merlin forgot about it the next day.

But that curiosity had waned over the years. Twisted and curled in on itself until Merlin had barely noticed it was there in the first place. Barely noticed the cliff at his feet and the dense fog that clouded his mind and if he just took a few steps forward and peered through then maybe, just maybe he could—

Merlin's hand went slack. The half-filled bottle of wine dropped like a rock and shattered against the concrete. The crack resounded in Merlin's ears. He peered down. The glass shards had scattered across the sidewalk, and even onto the street and the wine that dripped down, seeping into the cracks of the concrete glowed like blood against the fluorescent street lights. Merlin swallowed, the faint taste of day-old wine sticking to his tongue. He pushed away from the railing, away from the edge, and walked away.

-0-o-0-

Gwen clasped her hand over her mouth, barely containing her smile at the two men twirling on the grass. Lancelot had long abandoned trying to get Arthur to get up from his spot on the bench and was perfectly content to dance alongside Gwaine, who had volunteered in an instant. The sun was just rising behind the skyline and the early morning breeze was a relief against the humid air.

Lancelot twirled Gwaine and they both stumbled, barely able to stand up straight through the laughter that wracked their bodies.

"Come on, Lancelot. I thought you knew how to lead. What the hell is this?" Gwaine teased, stepping forward to loop his hands back around Lancelot's shoulders.

Lancelot's eyes twinkled as he smirked at Gwaine. "Oh, like you could do any better."

Gwaine raised an eyebrow. "Is that a challenge?"

Before Lancelot could reply, Gwaine pulled him to a twirl and then dipped Lancelot into an extravagant bow. Lancelot, caught by surprise, tripped over his feet and crashed to the ground, pulling Gwaine with him.

"Oh my god. What are you two doing?"

Lancelot dropped his head against the grass, uncaring about the morning dew that wet his hair, and looked at Percival, who had just come outside. "It's Arthur's fault. He left me to work with Gwaine who is a terrible dancer by the way."

Percival snorted. "You think you can earn money on the streets dancing like that?"

Gwaine rolled off of Lancelot and onto his stomach, propping his chin in the palms of his hands, his elbows digging into the ground. "I am amazing at dancing, thank you very much. Lancelot can't lead, though. Which is a problem because someone has to lead and it can't be Arthur."

Arthur, who had been silently watching the entire time, sat up at the mention of his name. "Excuse me? Why can't I lead?"

"First of all, you don't even want to dance with Lancelot. And second of all, don't give me that shit, Arthur. You are literally the epitome of a bottom."

Lancelot snickered loudly as Arthur sputtered. "What? I most certainly am not."

Gwen shot a look at Arthur. "Oh, I beg to differ."

Arthur's mouth dropped open and before he could speak, Elyan came jogging out onto the lawn. "Good morning! What are you guys talking about?"

"The fact that your sister totally topped Arthur in bed," Gwaine replies, grinning at Gwen.

Elyan, who had just tipped his head back to drink water, choked, nearly snorting water out of his nose. Gwaine burst out laughing and rolled on his back, stretching over the grass. Lancelot pulled himself up, shaking his head.

Elyan wiped his mouth, looking traumatized. "I did not need to know that."

Arthur groaned. "Thanks, Gwen. I'm sure everyone appreciates you telling them."

Gwen grabbed the water bottle from Elyan and winked at Arthur. "The people needed to know, Arthur. I'm only giving the truth. And the truth is that it doesn't matter that you were king, you were still such a bottom. And I topped you."

Percival rolled his eyes. "And that's the tea."

Elyan glared at Percival. "Oh my god, shut up. You have no idea how many times Merlin says that."

Gwaine laughed. "There is this one guy we work with at the pub, Joel, and says 'that's the tea' and like 'yeet' all the time? And Percival has started saying all these weird things now and honestly—"

Elyan interrupted, "Ok, enough. Please, Percival, never say that again. Merlin's going to be here in a couple of hours so you guys need to get ready to leave soon. And please, for Avalon's sake, don't do that atrocious dance I saw you guys doing from inside the shelter."

Gwaine gasped, mock offended. "My god, Elyan. That was my best performance and you put me down like that? I'm not sure I can live with this betrayal—"

"Yeah, yeah." Percival grabbed Gwaine's arm, yanking him to his feet. "You can cry about the betrayal on our way to the pub. Our shift starts in half an hour."

Gwaine scrunched up his face. "Ugh. Work. But that's so boring, babe. I don't know if I can make it through the day."

Arthur rose to his feet, rolling his shoulders. "Would my company help? Because let's face it, Lancelot's dancing isn't going to get us any money and I'd rather be spared of the sight."

Percival's face lit up. "Oh, that would be great. I need to spend time with someone other than Gwaine."

"Ok. Wow. If I had known I would be so attacked today I never would have come out here. What the hell happened to 'I'll never get sick of you'?" Gwaine fisted his hands on his hips, pouting.

Percival smiled mockingly, patting Gwaine's cheek. "If that's what you got from what I said yesterday, then you are sorely mistaken. Sorry."

Percival turned on his heel, heading back towards the shelter. Gwaine stared after him for a moment before breaking into a run. "Hey, wait up! What the hell does that mean?"

Arthur turned to Lancelot. "I'm going to the pub with them. You coming?"

Lancelot waved Arthur away. "Yeah, sure. I am good at dancing, by the way. I just can't lead."

Elyan cracked a smile. "Yeah, it's a shame. If only Arthur wasn't a bottom then he could lead."

Arthur pointed a finger at Elyan. "Ok, literally. I'm leaving. And I never want to hear you guys talk about whether I'm a bottom or not ever again."

Arthur stormed away and Elyan grabbed his water bottle back from Gwen and took off after him. "Hey, Arthur. Did that know that-"

"I swear to god, Elyan. I will execute you." Arthur yelled.

Gwen laughed softly, watching as the boys chased each other to the shelter. "Are you joining them at the pub?"

Lancelot sighed. "Probably. Gwaine and Arthur would burn the place down. And Percival would just stand by laughing his ass off."

Gwen clucked her tongue. "I don't know, Lancelot. If you're in the right mood I think you can take down the place yourself."

Lancelot scoffed but didn't bother denying it. He glanced over at Gwen. Her black curls were half pinned up and she was dressed in an oversized donated sweatshirt and dark leggings that reached her ankles. Her hands were stuffed in her pockets and she was swaying side to side gently. Lancelot was suddenly overcome with a wave of affection for her. Gwen looked up, her dark eyes shining in the morning sun. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

Arthur's words came back to Lancelot in a rush from a conversation that felt like ages ago.

If it was up to Gwen, I never would have stood a chance against you. But you took it upon yourself to not give Gwen that choice.

Lancelot sucked in a breath. "I'm sorry. For everything. I know it doesn't take anything back or fix anything but if there's one thing I regret about my life back in Camelot it was letting you go. It was leaving you for the stupidest reason and wasting my chance to have a life with you. And if you'll let me, I'd like to make up for it. We got a second chance and I would rather not waste it."

Gwen was silent. She chewed on her lip and glanced at her feet. "Yeah. We do have a second chance. And honestly, as much as I want to scream and yell at you, I'm not sure how long we have in this world. I feel partly responsible anyway. I never should've let you go. And we've wasted so much time already."

Lancelot hesitated slightly, before reaching out and tugging on Gwen's arm to loop her fingers through his. "We have."

Gwen smiled softly. "I meant what I said, you know. Back at Hengist's. It was so long ago but I never forgot what you did that day. I mean, It didn't work, but you were willing to sacrifice yourself for me. As long as I live, my feelings for you will never fade. And I did die but now I'm alive again. And those feelings still haven't faded."

"I remember that. I meant what I said too. You have given me a reason to live. Before I met you, I was aimlessly wandering around, wasting my life away. It was because of you that I became a knight. That I became who I am." Lancelot lowered his voice to a whisper.

Gwen's eyes were troubled as she dragged them over to the nearby bench. "I wanted to know. Before you... died, I had asked you to protect Arthur. And you said that you would. You would protect him with your life. I wanted to know-"

"It's not your fault, Gwen. I didn't sacrifice myself because you told me to. I would've done that regardless. I sacrificed myself for Merlin. I couldn't let him die in Arthur's place. Not with all he still had to do. Not with his destiny and everything. Don't blame yourself, Gwen. I made that decision myself."

Gwen hastily wiped the tears that had escaped. "Oh. For Merlin. For years I thought-"

Lancelot leaned forward, pressing a feather-soft kiss to her cheek. "Don't ever blame yourself. I did what I thought was right. And it just so happened that I lost my life along the way. But it was because of you that I had a life to lose. But let's forget that. This is a new world. A new chance. And we're both alive, yeah?"

"Yeah." Gwen's voice was barely a breath. She looked up at Lancelot. "We're both alive."

And the two sat there until the sun had risen to the top of the sky.

-0-o-0-

Merlin ran his fingers across the donate sign that stood before the Restorative Homeless Shelter. He thumbed through his wallet, cursing the fact he didn't have enough money. He'd always been able to survive off of the money he made at Avalon but it was just enough to live off. No extra money. Merlin had basically done everything he wished to do anyway so there was no need.

He pulled out a few twenties and dropped it into the large jar. He hoisted up the cardboard box at his feet and slid it across the table. "Hi. This is a bunch of old stuff I have. Am I able to donate it here?"

The woman behind the counter dragged the box over and rummaged through it. She pulled out a ratty old blanket with Disney princess all over it and raised an eyebrow at Merlin. Merlin just shot her a nervous smile. She shook her head and dropped the box on the other side of the table. She pushed over a couple of forms. "Fill those out. You can get a few free coupons with the donation as well."

Merlin quickly signed the forms and gave them back to her. "I'll pass. Thanks. Um, when do visiting hours end?"

"6 pm. You got a good four hours. Who are you visiting?"

"A friend of mine? His name is Elyan and he's with a few other people. About this high, dark skin, short-cropped hair?" Merlin was pretty proud to admit he had a few inches on Elyan.

"Go around the back, and stop by shelter #3. Take the visitor's badge and make sure to return it once you're done." The woman tossed him a dark blue badge that read VISITOR in bold letters. Merlin clipped it to his shirt and thanked the women.

He pushed through the gates and slipped behind the building. The narrow alleyway opened into a wide clearing about three-fourths the size of a football field. Small shelters were set up across the grass and it was pretty clear of people. Most of them seemed to have left the shelter around the afternoon. Merlin made his way to shelter #3 and gave a tentative knock on the old wooden door.

There was a loud curse from inside and the door cracked open and Elyan slipped out, shutting the door before Merlin could get a glimpse inside. "Hey. Merlin! You're … on time."

Merlin tilted his head. "Yeah. Is everything alright?"

Elyan nodded vigorously. "Yes. Come on. I'll show what the main building looks like. It's a pretty nice place."

Elyan dragged Merlin over to the large building and pushed him inside. Elyan ducked through a few hallways before presenting him with a vending machine that was nestled between the bathrooms and janitor's closet. "This is a vending machine. And it is by far the coolest thing ever. Like, even cooler than a TV. Have you used one before?"

Merlin chuckled softly. "I have, actually. I used to work at a huge tech company as a PA and there were vending machines everywhere. My boss loved the chips in them. They have it here too. The really salty ones?"

Elyan pursed his lips. "A tech company? You left there to work at a coffee shop?"

Merlin cursed as he realized his mistake. He had actually worked at the tech company in the early 1900s in Spain. And he really shouldn't have been alive then. "I-uh. Well, this was a couple of years ago. I got fired actually. Because I… ate my boss's chips."

Elyan stared at him for a moment, incredulous. "You-"

Merlin waved him off. "Yeah, I know. It was stupid. Anyway, where are these friends of yours? I'd like to meet them?"

If Elyan noticed the sudden subject change, he didn't comment. He peeked around through the window and then pulled Merlin away. "Yeah, I'll show you. They're back at the shelter."

Merlin let himself be dragged away. "The shelter we were just at?"

"Yeah. Um, they weren't exactly ready yet. They just want to make a good first impression."

"If they're your friends, Elyan, then in my mind they already have."

Elyan stopped, glancing at Merlin, whose lips curled up the tiniest bit. Elyan let out a breath. "Yeah. We've got Leon and Gwen. They're both pretty chill. And also Morgana. I bet she's still sleeping. I mean, she can never wake up. Hopefully, you can help."

Elyan's grip on Merlin tightened as if he was nervous and Merlin squeezed back before letting go of him. "I'd be honored to help."

Elyan smiled shakily and pushed the back door open. They made their way to shelter #3 and Elyan paused in front of the door. Merlin reached up to touch Elyan's tensed shoulder. "Hey. Are you okay? You don't have to be nervous. I'm sure you're friends are great."

Elyan let out a breath. "Yeah."

Before he could open the door, it swung open on its own. On the other side was another man. He had light red-brown hair curling around his ears and a bright smile on his face. "Hi! You must be Merlin. I'm Leon."

Merlin slipped his hand into Leon's. "Hello. Elyan's told a lot about you guys."

Leon pulled the door completely open, revealing a woman. Her dark hair was pinned back and her eyes were anxious. Something about her sparked a bit of familiarity in him. Something about the way her eyes crinkled and her hands were twisting in a nervous gesture. "Hello. You must be Gwen?"

Gwen's face lit up for a moment. "You know me?"

"Uh, no. Elyan was just telling me about you. I'm sorry. Have we met? Have you come to Avalon's shop anytime recently?" Merlin instantly regretted the question, remembering that his woman was homeless.

"I haven't actually. Elyan is the only one who likes to explore. I don't think we've met." Her eyes held a bit of disappointment but it vanished before Merlin could figure out why.

Elyan appeared behind him. "You want to meet Morgana?

He led him to the back of the shelter where there was a lone cot. A woman was asleep, hastily dressed in an old pale green dress. Her dark hair was braided down one side and her face was peaceful. She twisted in the met, a soft sound escaping her mouth. "Is she alright?"

Gwen knelt by the bed. "Morgana. Wake up. There's someone here for you. His name is Merlin."

At Merlin's name, Morgana shuddered, her eyelids twitching like she was going to wake up. Merlin carefully crouched on the other side of Morgana, watching her curiously. He slowly placed a hand on her forehead and gasped at the sudden rush of power that rippled through him. The temperature seemed to drop and Morgana took in a gasped breath. And her eyes shot open.

-0-o-0-

Lancelot let out a breath, leaning against the bar. The pub was basically empty since it was only the afternoon. "I think that was the most stressful thing I've done in my entire life."

Gwaine laughed. "Yeah? More stressful than dying?"

Lancelot glared up at Gwaine. "Yes. One-hundred percent. It's all Leon's fault, though. He's the one who slept in. If Merlin had seen us before Elyan dragged him away… "

Gwaine poured himself a glass of wine, uncaring that it wasn't even 3:00 yet. He raised the glass to his lips but Percival was there in an instant, snatching the glass away. "No. Jesus, Gwaine. It's only 2. You're not having alcohol right now."

Gwaine pouted. "But Percy-"

Percival grabbed the bottle as well, glaring at Gwaine. "No means no."

Percival downed the glass himself and returned the bottle to the shelf ignoring Gwaine's sputtering. Percival turned away but Gwaine launched himself up, pinning Percival against the wall. "Why do you get to have the wine?"

"Because I can control myself, Gwaine. And it's perfectly good wine, I'm not wasting it."

Gwaine leaned even closer, fanning his hot breath over Percival face. "Yeah? Mind if I have a taste?"

Lancelot pushed himself away from the bar, mock-gagging. "Ugh. I can't deal with this right now. Where's Arthur?"

Arthur dropped beside him, dropping his head into his hands. Lancelot patted Arthur's back. "There you are. I wish Gwen was here."

Arthur snapped his head up. "Do you?"

Lancelot gave Arthur a smirk. "Yeah. Because we could be doing that right now."

Lancelot jerked his head towards Gwaine and Percival who were still crowded against the wall, whispering softly through their kisses. They had moved and were tucked behind the shelf, a shadow covering them up as well as it could. Lancelot still knew exactly what they were doing though.

Arthur pressed his lips together, his eyes shining with unshed tears. Lancelot twisted so he was facing Arthur. "And if you wait a couple of days or weeks, maybe that can be you and Merlin."

Arthur gave a bitter chuckle, looking away. "I don't know how Merlin did it. It's barely been a month and I can't do this anymore." Arthur ran a hand over his face. "God, Lancelot. I'm scared. I shouldn't be but I am. And I know that I'm supposed to be strong and-"

"Cut the crap, Arthur. No one is asking you to be strong."

"How do you guys do it? Just dance and laugh around like everything is okay? Do you not feel… guilty or something?" Arthur asked, sinking his teeth into his bottom lip, a habit he undoubtedly got from Gwen. Lancelot thought would be jealous at how close Gwen and Arthur were and are but he was only met with a sense of peacefulness.

"We're all scared, Arthur. So many things can go wrong and Merlin is out there right now trying to wake up Morgana and god knows what happens after that. We just have to trust that everything will fall in place. There's no point in tearing yourself down and breaking yourself apart for something you can't control."

Arthur groaned. "I just… I can't let myself be happy knowing that Merlin doesn't remember anything. That he's been alone for so long, waiting for so long that he actually forgot us. And I'm over here acting like I have it worse when I can't even wait a month for Merlin to come back."

Lancelot stared down at the wooden counter. There was a loud snort before Gwaine and Percival came tumbling out from behind the shelf. Gwaine's hair was sticking up and his lips were swollen and red. Percival didn't look much better. "What is wrong with you guys? Do you have no control over yourselves? You're working."

Gwaine waved him away. "No one is here, Lancelot. I don't see why it matters."

Percival rolled his eyes. "I'm going get some water. Sam asked us to clear out the old bottles from the shelf over there. Go get started."

Percival slipped away and Gwaine leaned on his elbows against the bar, watching Arthur. "What's up with you, Princess?"

Arthur only hummed, drumming his fingers against the wood. "When did you know that you loved Percival?"

Gwaine snickered. "Are you asking me for love advice?"

"No," Arthur said, irritated. "I'm asking you when you knew."

Gwaine pulled the high chair over and settled in, apparently forgetting Percival's orders to start cleaning out the shelves. "Well, I knew for sure when I asked him to go after Morgana with me. After the battle at Camlann. He looked into my eyes and didn't hesitate for a second. But looking back, I probably fell in love with him when he came up to me and asked if he wanted to help him steal food from the kitchens. I was so shocked because up until then, I thought of Percival as good-two shoes. But he initiated that, coming up to me. And I was gone."

Percival came up from behind Gwaine, resting himself on his shoulders and head. "That's a sweet story, Gwaine. Why the hell aren't you doing your job."

Gwaine gave Arthur a look. "I lied. He apparently is a good-two shoes."

Percival yanked Gwaine up. "Well someone needs to wear the pants in this relationship." Percival leaned forward, pressing a solid kiss to his mouth.

He whispered softly. "I only came up to you because I liked you. You know that right?"

Gwaine's grin suddenly went softer than anyone had ever seen. "Really?"

Percival rolled his eyes, his lips curling into an amused grin. "Yeah. I don't know why, though. Come on."

The two quickly disappeared and Lancelot knew for a fact they wouldn't get any bottles cleared out. Arthur's nose scrunched up. "I'm not sure if it's more revolting or sweet how they act together."

Lancelot shook his head softly. "I think it's sweet."

"Yeah. If anyone were to take the spot of the most revolting relationship it's probably you and Gwen." Arthur snapped, but his voice was filled with fatigue.

"Maybe. But you and Merlin are probably going to steal that spot from us. You two weren't even together back in Camelot but the sexual tension was unbearable."

Arthur choked on his spit. "We did not have sexual tension."

Lancelot snorted. "Oh please. Percival was telling me the other day about a game you guys played in the tavern before Camlamn? And the way he described it?"

Lancelot whistled slowly. "You definitely had sexual tension."

Arthur remembered that day. It was one of the last days the two were together before Arthur had found out. One of the last days where everything was still okay. Looking back on it, Arthur knew Merlin probably cheated or something. That was the only way he could've won.

I tried to take your head off with a mace.

~ And I stopped you, using magic.

You cheated!

~ You were going to kill me.

I should've.

Arthur swallowed down nausea climbing up his throat. Lancelot studied Arthur for a moment before speaking. "I'm going to say something. Don't take it the wrong way."

Arthur scoffed under his breath. "Go for it."

"I think you're being selfish. You've been through a lot. I know. But sitting here wallowing about what a terrible person you are and how much you miss Merlin isn't going to solve anything. Once Merlin is back, and he will be back, you have as long as you need to be with Merlin and apologize and make things right. But for now, you have to stop thinking so much. We're all winging it. Just take a breath. You're not the only person who's been through shit. We all have. Especially Merlin. Stop acting like you're the victim here and do something. Merlin needs you." Lancelot's voice was a steady, low tone.

Arthur flinched softly at the words. Lancelot was right and he knew that. But hearing it out loud hurt more than Arthur would like to admit. Arthur clenched the table in his hands. Just take a breath. Arthur inhaled trying to calm himself but his breaths were coming too fast and the world was spinning around and around and Arthur couldn't seem to get air into his lungs. I think you're being selfish.

Arthur staggered back from the bar and Lancelot was there in an instant. "Arthur. Hey. Listen to me. Arthur."

Arthur focused on Lancelot's voice and squeezed his eyes shut because why him. No. No. He had to stop thinking about just himself. He wasn't alone. He wasn't alone. Arthur took in another slow breath, relieved when it came easier. He opened his eyes. Arthur was suddenly pulled forward into a hug. Lancelot's arms came around him, gripping him almost painfully. Arthur buried his face in Lancelot's neck and breathed. In and out and in and out. You aren't alone.

-0-o-0-