Chapter 20
"I just like rolling a stone up a hill in Hades
You want to lie with me, you're going to be a liar
Hell-flavored, I've got mood poisoning
It must be something that I hate
I'm just a prison of property
Buckets full of better misery
There's not a word for what I want to do to you
There's not a word for what I want to do to you
(There's not a word for what I want to do to you)
(There's not a word for what I want to do to you)
You and me and the devil makes three" - You and me and the devil makes 3, Marilyn Manson
They leave in a hurry. She is anxious. Claire might have come back already. There could be a city wide search going on. Her phone was at home, well one of the two at least. To avoid tracking. The second one was a secret, she only got it contact Natalie. Incase Claire searched her phone. The call she could hide, say it was from school but the dirty texts or the pictures Natalie took of her tied up and bloody.
Eliot is walking behind her, he yells something. She turns around. Looks at him. Feels a hand cover her mouth. Another grabs her waist. She thinks it's them. The B.S.A.A. A bag covers her head. Then she hears a gun shot. A needle to her neck and it all fades to black.
The shaking wakes her. The jerking and bouncing of a car in motion. Another bump in the road. She groans as her head hits against something. The bag is removed from her head. Now she realizes this is not the B.S.A.A. she is not being transported to prison.
"Hello, Dr. Wesker" Haupman greets her.
He sits on the seat across from her. Ropes tie her to the seat.
"You" she glares.
"I hoped we could be friends. " he says " Sadly, your refusal to cooperate left me no choice. "
"Spare me the bullshit. This was your plan from the start" she is dazed, talking slowly.
Her vision is spinning. Something in her system. He sighs.
"I hoped you would work with me willingly. Show me how to achieve what you have achieved."
"So that was this all about." She scoffs "you want immortality."
"I am not the only one, Dr. Wesker. Many do. The greatest minds of our time could live on for generations. Money would be a small price to pay."
He wanted to sell her invention, to profit from it. To make others like her. It was never her plan to share it with the world. It was meant for her and Albert, if he had lived. No one else. It was meant to make her god.
"And what was your plan, Doctor? To have Hoffman kidnap me? Let him have his way with me and swoop in to save me? I will tell you nothing!"
He sighs again.
"I was never going to let him hurt you. Merely to pressure Natalia. From the data I gathered, I was able to figure out that moments of stress seemed to trigger a change in her. So I waited for the right time. The process of maturing put's a lot of stress on the body and with pressure from the outside I was certain that an awakening was possible."
Eliot. The bullying. Burning down the house, the special place she shared with Lucy. Lucy who made her happy and reduced her suffering, who got in the way of the plan. The kidnaping made so much more sense.
"How long have you planed this?"
"Why did you think I agreed to become Natalia's psychiatrist in the first place?"
"You planed this from beginning"
"I've treated many people in my life and I've learned one thing. Some people are useful to keep around."
"So you've cleared them and locked away the ones that didn't comply."
He nods.
"They held potential to develop into something great so I provided them with the means to do so. Take Robert for example. He was lost, misguided."
"You mean a pedophile."
"While his desire was unorthodox he had other uses, hidden talents. I merely encouraged him. After all they never found out about it. "
She doesn't know what he means.
"I suggested to him once that it would be therapeutic to kill his wife. After all she was the cause of his suffering. They never caught him for it. Never found the body. Nor what happened to the little girl."
"You made him a killer."
"No. he already was one, I just made him realize it. To see his full potential."
So that's when he meant when he said that Hoffman got better. Did he see potential in her too? She had killed, even enjoyed it. Had learned to enjoy it.
"And did he realize it?" she asks, knowing the answer.
"No, but he helped another realize it."
"What about my potential?" she says, taunting.
He looks at her, no deception. Inspects. As if he is analyzing her, trying to truly see her potential.
"I thought you were someone else." He says.
She looks at him questioningly. He looks almost sad.
"I wanted you to be someone else. But you are not."
He wanted her to be somebody else? It sounded strange.
"You wanted me to be like you." she says, understands." A psychopath."
He smiles, a smile that doesn't reach his eyes.
"I doesn't matter anymore. I didn't go to New York just to work on a case. My friends in the F.B.I. gave me something." He says, take out a vial of something." You will tell me everything I want to know. But for now it's time to go back to sleep."
He sticks another needle into her.
Smoke. Black smoke. White smoke. Grey. She sees it once again. This place that has caused her so much doubt. Her old self stands in the black. Natalia in the white.
"Well I guess it's the end." She says.
"We need to talk." He other self says." In private."
The space changes. Now it's Spencer's office.
"Why the secrecy?" she wonders.
The old Alex leans against the table, arms crossed on her chest.
"She is a child. And there are things she doesn't understand. "
"So what is this about?"
"You must have noticed it already. The truth."
She bows her head.
"You're the original me. "
"I am."
"So what am I? And why are you not in control?"
"To put it simply. You are you. Whoever you want to be. "
"But I have the same memories as you."
"Yes. But you are completely different."
"Am I?"
"Look at yourself."
Soddenly there is a mirror. She is younger, the hair half red. She has earrings, a punk band t-shirt, ripped skinny jeans. She got a tattoo.
"That's not the only difference." The old Alex says.
She looks at her puzzled.
"What I copied, created, was more than the mind. It didn't just transfer memories. I transferred something else."
"What?" she is genuinely confused now.
"A soul. Well part of one"
She can't believe the words she is saying.
"Grind the body into finest dust and show me one grain of a soul."
"Believe it or not, it's true. My soul, Natalia's and you. You wanted to know why you have control. This is why. Me and Natalia. We could not co-exist. We fought for control. And then there was you, a fragment, an incomplete being. You had a fragment of my soul and the rest followed after my second death, seeking to be reunited. But it didn't work. They remained separated. You were already your own being. Just incomplete.. And when Haupman tried to break into our mind it became obvious that he would get what he was after.. I tried to hold it back. But he kept pushing. Eventually Natalia tried to help me. But she couldn't do anything. We were only two When Natalia slept I was awake. Unless there was a third we had no way of stopping him. Then we could both exist in the background. So we each gave up a part of ourselves to make you complete..."
"No." she shakes her head.
"You don't need to believe it but it's the truth. What I've done cannot, must not be repeated. "
"How do we stop Haupman then?"
"Don't worry about that." Alex says.
"You should have let me die. Then this wouldn't have happened." She says to her other self.
"Sorry. That's not an option, darling.."
"You're still afraid of dying!" she accuses the older woman.
"No. That's not it."
"Then what?"
"You will understand one day."
"I want to understand now."
Alex laughs.
"You won't believe it. "
"Tell me anyways"
"Well, like I said before. There is three of us. Three souls in one body – a trinity. So all the suffering and karma is tripled as well. The cross you bare is meant for three people. But as the pain is tripled so is the joy. "
"What joy do you mean?"
"Well, you'll have to wait and see."
"And what about you?"
"We made a choice to live through you. So live for the three of us."
The room fades. She sees Natalia standing there pouting.
"What gives?"
Alex just laughs.
"You're just a child. Besides, I know myself better."
Natalia gives her a sad look.
"Maybe I don't understand everything. But that doesn't mean you can just shut me out."
"If you're going to argue – I'm leaving."
"Go ahead. It's almost time anyways." Alex says.
"I still don't believe it." She says.
"You don't need to believe it. "Natalia says." Deep down you already know it."
She wonders about that.
"If Souls exist then…" She doesn't want to finish that thought.
"Don't even think it." Alex says.
She doesn't say it but she thinks it. What about God? What about Hell. If Souls exist than what else exists? Accepting one means accepting all. She can't do that. It's too much. Fate, Karma, God, Souls, life beyond death, what is true? Is it God, or Zeus, or Buddha? And why hasn't he done anything to save her? If he exists than why did he let these things happen to her? No, it can't be real. It can't be true. She cannot accept it. None of it. This is a dream and she is already waking up.
Natalie stands over her. The vision comes into focus. She is in a room that she recognizes. It was the same one from the video. It's smaller than it seemed in film. She is on her back, chained to the wall. Her clothes are gone. It's cold in the room. She feels heavy, sedated. Can't move her limbs. Can't turn her head. Natalie smiles.
"You know I like you." she says, leaning down to look at her" It was supposed to be a job. A onetime thing."
She runs her finger up her arm to a spot and presses down.
"You never noticed it." she grins" I put it in. a tracking chip."
So that was how they found her.
"But I was happy you called me. I really enjoyed you."
She kneels down. Plants a kiss on her neck.
"I love the way you fall apart. Just for me."
She kisses up to her lips. Alex want's to bite her but can't, her jaw feels heavy.
"I'm going to miss you." She says. "I've heard the serum has some nasty side effects. You will keep talking, say what he wants you to say. You'll talk and talk until your brain melts and you can't tell your memories apart. It's like a lobotomy in a bottle."
Alex swallows heavily but the lump in her throat remains. A truth serum. Something that makes one speak the truth to any question asked. If such a thing had indeed been invented than there was no way she could keep her secrets.
"Victoria!" Calls a voice from the other room.
"Oh. I'll be right back" she says" Then we can play some more."
Victoria? So even her name was a lie. Natalie, Not a lie. Clever. She wonders if it was her idea or if Haupman came up with it. The woman seemed to have some genuine care for her. But perhaps that too was an act. She could not trust it. Not anymore.
Soon she is back, bringing a bag with her.
"It wasn't easy but I managed to convince him to let me play with you one last time." she smiles cruelly.
She doesn't love or care the way a human cares and loves. She cares like a spoiled child cares for a new toy or some exotic new thing. A passing fancy. Like a child chasing a butterfly only to crush it in its hand and watch its trembling wings only to rip them off and toss them to ground before losing interest.
"I was surprised you managed to catch Robert." She says. "I wanted to meet you. But I never expected you to be like this."
She teases her, runs her hand down her body, and squeezes her breast. Her body responds, as it has been trained to do. Over the past weeks she had learned to associate this woman with both pain and pleasure. While she hates herself for it now, it's pointless to resist. Soon it will all be over. Soon she will be a vegetable and Haupman will have what he wants. Might as well give in and enjoy it one last time. She lets a moan escape.
"That's it my pet." Victoria laughs against her lips. "Show me how much you want it."
"You know. Robert once said I was like the daughter he always wanted." She laughs." He was a good student. I taught him everything. "
Alex wants to laugh and ask if she knows what he did to his real daughter. But Victoria is moving her hand down her body. Teasing between her legs.
"And to think I have Dr. Haupman to thank for it. He introduced me to Robert and to you."
Alex hates herself. Falling into a trap like this, but all the teasing is bringing her closer to the edge and she can't stop a moan from escaping.
"That's it. Show me what a desperate slut you really are!" she stops, moves away, take something from the bag. " I think you will love this"
She holds a machine. It resembles the one Lucy had used for the tattoo only it had no ink. Only a needle that vibrates and etches the words into her skin. Draws blood, slowly. She runs it over the same spot, deepens it. Carving words under her breast. She can't see it. Doesn't know what Victoria is writing. Doesn't need to. She can feel it with her own body. Each vibration, each stroke. It hurts more than a whip. Because it feels like she is carving into her very soul.
Victoria stops. Marvels at her work. But it's not done.
"I have an idea. Of how exactly I want to remember you."
She doesn't care anymore. The pain, the suffering. It will all be over soon. She awaits it. Feels the blood running down her sides, down between her legs. Then the whip hits her. It had always been her back before. It hits her arms, her legs, her breast, avoids the part with the fresh carving.
"You're so lovely." She hears the snap of a camera.
Her body still feels heavy. Victoria flips her over. Bends her so she is on her knees. Doesn't leave a spot on her. All cut's and bleeding wounds. Alex breathes heavy. Throat sore from the screams she tried to suppress.
"You're so beautiful." Victoria is putting on the harness. "No matter how much I hurt you, you don't beg me to stop. I love it!"
Begging for mercy never got her any. Enduring, no matter how much it hurt was the only way. You will either endure or die, no other way that was how she was raised.
"Now then" She grins "Let me show you show much I love you. Let me put my love into you."
She tries to hold on. To not think. Let herself feel. Make it last as long as possible. If this will be the last thing she experiences. She wants it to be pleasure. Tries to find a way to make it feel good. It's big, the way it stretches her hurts. She feels her push in and stop. Looks up at the woman. She holds her phone. Snaps a picture.
"This will be my memory of you." she shows her.
Alex want's to fall through the ground, burn at the core of the planet. She is a bloody mess, legs spread, and the large black vibrator clearly visible between her legs, stretching her. The words "Pain Slut" carved under her breast. A tacky pink hear frame thrown over the image. The woman laughs, begins moving her hips. The cruel laughter echoes. Determined to rob even her last moments of any pleasure.
She can't even keep the illusion of love. Victoria or Natalie or whatever her name was, never loved her. She never cared. Never understood her. No one did. She was all alone. Since the moment Spencer and Umbrella had ripped her away from what home she might have had. The old saying goes that we are born alone and we die alone. She had been alone her whole life. No connection to anyone. She thinks of Him. Wonders if it had been real. She can't trust it anymore, not even the love she felt for him. It's all meaningless, an illusion, a lie. She lived a lie, in this cage of illusion. And here she will die. Nobody will mourn her. Nobody will care. No one will remember. They will toss her body somewhere in the woods and leave it to rot. She will return to what she has always been- nothing.
Tears flow from her eyes. But it's not the pleasure Victoria thinks it is. The relief of death that floods her. Once she had feared it, now she welcomes it. She is only vaguely aware of what the woman is doing to her. Drifting into her toughs. Disconnecting. Sinking deep into the abyss inside herself. Letting it devour her. Sink to the bottom and lie down. Victoria comes, moaning praises and filth. But Alex is gone. Doesn't hear her. Doesn't feel her pull out or leave the room. Complete absorbed in the feeling of loneliness, of the empty nothingness. All thought gone. Only this feeling that fills her- a void. She had run from it but now she had given in. let's it eat away until all is gone. Until she is gone. Not much longer now. Just a little bit more and will be over.
Her consciousness drifts in. something is causing her to stir. Something is trying to bring her back from the bottom. A light above. But she doesn't want to open her eyes. She wants to turn away from the light. Wants to tell it to go away. That it's too late. To roll over on her side and keep sleeping until her body decays here. But she can't move. Her body feels too heavy, restrained. Somebody touches her face. She wants to slap it away but her hands won't move. Finally she feels too angry to remain asleep. Opens her eyes. A strangely familiar reddish hair comes into view. The woman is leaning over her. a hand on her face.
"Redfield?" her voice is quiet.
"We'll get you out of here." She says/
It doesn't feel real. She was supposed to be dead. Maybe wake up once or twice while Haupman was melting her brain but she hoped she wouldn't. Let it all pass over her like a storm in the ocean, never touching the bottom.
Suddenly she becomes more aware of things. Her arms still chained. The cut's on her body. The cold in the room. She avoids looking at the woman. Embarrassed. Claire takes of her jacket, covers her with it. After all she must be quite the disgusting sight.
"Really, you should be happy." She says.
Eyes darting around the room. It's a different one from before. Medical tools and things that look like torture equipment are lined up on the tables. And IV line in her arm.
"What?!" Claire says in disbelief.
"Aren't you happy, knowing I got to suffer at least a fraction of what I put you thought?"
Claire's face has a look of utter shock, but Alex can't see it.
"How could I be happy about this?"
"We are enemies." She says like it's the simplest thing.
Claire shakes head, tries to put together an answer.
"We might be." She says." But even if we are. I'm not happy about this."
"I know why. " Alex turns, looks at her now." Because you're not the one who got to do it."
Claire is shocked again.
"No."
"Come on." She looks around the room." there is plenty of stuff here. Why don't you show me how you really feel?"
Claire surveys all the tools with horror.
"I'm not like you. I can't do something so fucked up."
"No. You would have just killed me."
Claire want's to say she wouldn't have. She was supposed to take her in, arrest her. But deep down she wanted to kill her for all of it. At least back then she did.
"You're angry, because I robed you of it. Well, I can't blow my own brains out right now, so go ahead do the honors."
She wonders what is taking the others so long to get here. If this conversation goes on much longer she might actually shoot her.
"I didn't want to then and I don't want to now. "
"Don't lie." She says." I know you did. I killed your friends."
Claire bows her head. Remembers what she would rather forget.
"Not that it matters. I'll be dead soon anyways." Alex sighs, "The stuff Haupman put in me will melt my brain."
She said what came to mind, words just pouring out. Memories, feelings she kept hidden. Things she wanted to say but never did.
"You know this may be your only chance to learn anything you want to know. That truth serum seems to be working."
Claire wonders about that. A chance to learn everything. Just ask her and then let her die. Close the chapter. One less evil in the world. She shakes her head. No. She is not like Chris. She could never live it down.
"Okay, than how about you tell me where the damn keys are so I could get you out of here?"
"Victoria probably has the key." She says.
Claire looks up at her.
"Okay, the others probably have her by now." She moves to remove the IV.
Still some liquid left on the bottom.
"Don't bother." Alex says." It's too late."
"You really want to die that badly?!" Claire is in disbelief.
But she is reminded of the hospital.
"Does it surprise you?"
"Yes."
She thought she knew why. Becoming immortal, becoming a god, escaping her sickness. But deep down the woman wanted to be dead?
"It shouldn't. Life is misery. Nothing wrong with wanting to end it."
Claire has no response to that.
Her thoughts are becoming hazy, difficult to recall things. She feels tired just from trying. How long had Haupman been interrogating her before this?
Barry makes his way down stairs just as she loses her consciousness again. He takes in the scene. The mansions, Raccoon city, the island, he had seen much horror. But this is still the same little girl he had grown attached too. Physicaly at least. The absence of clothes, the bloody wounds. The sad look on Claire's face. The images of Lucy in that video still haunt his mind. The nightmare of every father. He is aware that it is Wesker but even so... For the first time he sees not the monster but the woman, the one he saw in that portrait. He also sees Natalia. Redirects his rage. Slams the door frame. Claire looks up at him.
"We have to get her to a hospital. Haupman put something in her system."
"That bastard will pay for everything."