Chapter 10: The Fall, Part 1

The dawn was sluggish. Remus stood waiting at the foot of the stairs, blanketed in the shadows of the house, watching as a soupy grey light crept under the front door. A distant crack sounded, muffled by the trees, and he heard a familiar gait thudding the earth until Tonks crashed inside. He had never seen her so exhausted. Her hair was matted at the crown and fell like yellow vines to her waist. Her eyelids were heavy, her lips dry. A woollen cardigan that Remus had to suppose belonged to her father flapped around her knees. The door rattled shut behind her. She noticed him and jumped.

"Remus! You - you're here? Are you alright? Why didn't you come?"

He didn't answer. She stiffened. Her head cocked to one side and he knew her fingers were tightening around the wand concealed in her knitted pocket.

"The first night we slept together, you ripped something of mine. What was it?"

Remus flinched at the unwelcome flash of memory.

"Answer me."

"Your jeans."

She remained rigid, her eyebrows poised in suspicion.

"Ask another question if you wish, but it is I. Remus Lupin."

"There's a poster on the ceiling above my old bed at Mum and Dad's. What's it of?"

"A drummer. From the Weird Sisters. The name escapes me."

Tonks sighed and ducked her head, folding in on herself as her body deflated of tension, rubbing at her face with her long sleeves. She kicked off her boots and crossed the room to the sofa, sinking into it like she wanted to be swallowed whole. She didn't notice his travelling clothes. Nor what he had placed on the dining table.

"I sent you those patronuses because I needed you. Why didn't you come? You made me think the Ministry had got you. Or worse!"

"What news from the Ministry?"

"I dunno where to start," she said, cheek pressed against the cracked leather, "Kingsley described it best. Fallen. They're claiming Scrimgeour resigned. I reckon they tried to rack him for every scrap of information he had on Harry before bumping him off but, reading between the lines, I don't think he cracked. We never saw eye-to-eye, but he was a true Auror, you know…" her teeth tugged on a nail, then she continued, "Umbridge is ruling the roost, diverting funds out of the Auror Department and into Magical Law Enforcement. You saw what those new officers are like for yourself, Death Eaters in all but name. Worse of all is this new Muggleborn Registration system she's imposing. It'll be all over the press tomorrow, I bet - I saw the journalists getting herded through the atrium - the muggleborns are being forced to report in. If they can't prove they've got any close wizarding relatives, they'll be punished. That's what she said, Remus - punished. It's all happening…happening so fast and…" she lifted her head and looked towards where he stood, still unmoving, by the stairs, "I went in front of her and Thicknesse and they…Remus…they…"

"They sacked you."

"How did you know?"

"It was inevitable."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?"

"Not particularly."

"Cheers for the sympathy," Tonks said slowly, danger in her eyes as she curled her legs beneath her and knelt up to get a better look at him. "I've just had the worst night of my entire life and that's all you've got to say to me? You're just standing there. You haven't so much as offered me a fucking cup of tea. I know you're scared shitless about the baby, but that's no excuse. I needed you tonight and you didn't come. What the hell have you been doing?"

"I've been making a plan."

"You've been…what does that even…? They tortured my parents, Remus!"

Remus took an involuntary step closer. "What? I - I didn't know that."

"You would if you'd come! The Ministry's pet hooligans put the Cruciatus Curse on them. For hours. Whilst you've been fannying about here, I've been looking after them, getting them to safety."

"How are they?"

"How d'you think? Shaken up. Hardly able to walk. Lucky my Dad bought a safe house for the two of them through the muggle system, weeks ago. I took them there and kitted it out with every security measure I could think of. They'll be alright after a few days' rest, but…this is why I never wanted them involved…"

Remus said nothing. Tonks pressed her lips together, forcing back the anger.

"What happened at the Burrow? Is everyone okay?"

"Everyone's fine. They interrogated us until the small hours and we fed them as much false information as we could. There was no torture, nor any arrests. Your Imperiused friend was helpful."

Tonks closed her eyes.

"Don't feel guilty," he told her. "You did what was necessary. Mad Eye would have done the same thing. Every inch of the Burrow was searched, but no clues as to Harry's whereabouts were found - only a ghoul in the attic dressed up in pyjamas. Bill claimed it was Ron, suffering from spattergroit."

"Huh?"

"A cover story. He, Harry and Hermione didn't just flee the wedding, they've left for good. Some of their clothes and books were missing, as well as Arthur's old tent."

Tonks let out a puff of air. "Smart kids. Thank Merlin. Or thank Hermione, more likely…"

Her reaction, like that of Bill and Arthur who had turned out to be complicit in the trio's departure, appalled Remus. Only Molly grasped the truth of the situation. Too shocked to cry, she had stood in the feather-strewn remains of Ron's ransacked bedroom and met Remus' gaze. Silently, they'd agreed upon their failure.

"Did you tell your parents what you told me?" Remus asked, quietly.

"Call a spade, a spade, Remus. Did I tell my parents I'm pregnant? No. I thought the shock might finish them off. Besides, I want us to tell them together."

"I suspect another round of torture would be preferable to hearing that piece of news."

"Do you really think I'm going to put up with comments like that?" Tonks launched herself off the sofa and approached him, her socks sliding on the bare floorboards. "I need you to be strong. I'm having our baby - "

"Have you considered not - ?"

"Don't," she snapped, her tired eyes flashing. "Don't do that. You know it's my decision to make and you know I've already made it. That's your fear talking, not you. That's horrible."

"No, it isn't. It's merciful."

"Merciful?"

"I've cursed it with lycanthropy and now you would curse it with life?"

Tonks' pupils were huge in the dim light. He thought he could almost hear her heart racing.

"Life's not a curse, Remus."

"Not for you."

"Not for you either! I know life's dealt you a shitty hand, but you've got to stop drowning yourself in self pity - I can't cope with it right now. What's happening out there is bigger - far bigger - than your anxieties. The Ministry's collapsed, the muggleborns are being persecuted, the whole world's going to hell…but if there's a bright spot in all this mess, it's us. Our - our little family."

She tried to seize his hands in her damp, hot grip but he wouldn't allow it.

"Stop fooling yourself, Tonks."

"What is wrong with you?"

Remus felt bubbles in his chest; a strange, bitter impulse to laugh at her. "You know what's wrong with me."

Tonks banged her palms against her temples. "You're a werewolf! Woe is you! Cry me a fucking river! I won't have the same ancient conversation with you again. This isn't about you. This is about our baby. That's who we need to talk about. You've convinced yourself that it's going to come out a werewolf like you and that's what's sending you round the twist, but there's no evidence for that whatsoever. I'm no expert, but the turning process is pretty cut and dry, isn't it? A bite from a transformed werewolf at the full moon. Not sex, not conception…the curse doesn't live in your balls, does it? Look at the facts, Remus. Stop panicking and think."

Remus had to stop looking at her. Tonks knew nothing. Her so-called facts were irrelevant. The curse always found a way. The curse dwelt in every single one of his cells and so too the cells he had passed onto this baby, this baby who would know only pain for as long as it lived; who would never know freedom. Remus moved his fingers so the protruding veins slid under the surface of his skin. The little one would see its own hands distend and fur; would see claws burst out through its tiny fingernails. There could be no redemption for what Remus had done. No forgiveness. His heart was ash and all that remained of him was this wasted body: a body he could only surrender to duty. Gradually, he became aware that Tonks had begun speaking again. She never could stand silence.

"…you know what I think? I think you do want to be a father. I think you've always wanted it, you've just never admitted it to yourself, and that terrifies you. But…if you let yourself imagine it, you'll see what I see: one day, at the beginning of Spring next year, we'll have a baby. A chubby, bouncing baby with two parents who'll love it no matter what. Two bonkers, mismatched parents who'll do their absolute best. I'll probably drop it on its head and accidentally teach it to swear before I teach it to talk and put its socks on its hands and its booties on its head - but you won't. You'll be a natural. You'll read to it, teach it about plants and creatures, be so funny and patient that it will adore you," the faster the words fell from her, the faster her fury faded until all that remained was an ardency that disturbed him. "Imagine it. Come on, Remus. We'll use the box room upstairs for a nursery. It just needs a bit of cheering up, that's all. We can paint the walls with animals and clouds and kaleidoscope colours, whatever it is that babies like. We'll still go out and fight, we'll fight harder than ever, but - "

"How do you propose we fight harder than ever when the real fight - the only fight - is by Harry's side?"

"Don't change the subject - "

"I'm not changing the subject. How can we, as members of the Order, sit back whilst Harry, Ron and Hermione face the true conflict alone? They're not prepared for the magnitude of the task ahead of them. They're in dire need of help."

"They don't want help."

"Of course they do. It's just that Harry is too much of James' son to ask for it."

"Look, I don't understand it any better than you do but Dumbledore swore them to secrecy. We've got to trust that Harry knows what he's doing."

"Harry is a child - "

"He's not your child! But this one is," Tonks placed a hand on her still-flat stomach, "and right now this one needs you more."

"The man who cursed it before it could even draw its first breath? Like a hole in the head, Tonks."

"It's Tonks again, is it? I can't believe how pathetic you're being. In the space of a day, I've lost my job, my parents have been tortured and I've found out I'm pregnant with a baby I never wanted, but I'm not getting myself into a tizzy or taking it out on the people I love, I'm digging in my heels and trying to make the best of it. It's time for you to step up too. You're better than this."

"There have been many people in my life with an inflated sense of my goodness, but none more so than you."

Tonks made a noise somewhere between a growl and a shriek. "I could crack my head against the wall! We've got to work together, Remus - we're married!"

He paused for a moment, pinned under the heat of her inflamed stare, before saying evenly, "I don't think we should be married anymore."

"Something's happened to you," Tonks replied, her voice quietened by fear.

She hurled herself towards him and drew her wand, holding him still by the front of his robes. He submitted to her, letting her pat him down, feeling the roots of his hair tingle and a cool breeze dance around his navel as she scanned him for jinxes.

"They've done something to you, I know they have," she said, her eyes flicking back and forth across his face. "What was it? Tell me!"

"I'm not jinxed."

"You are. You have to be."

She repeated the spells, faster this time, stumbling over the incantations until her voice eventually faltered and her wand drooped. She staggered backwards, bumping into the arm of the sofa.

"Why did you say that?"

"We never should have married in the first place."

"You don't mean that."

"I do."

"No, you don't! You're having some kind of…some kind of breakdown."

"I'm not mad, Tonks. My mind is entirely clear. I've been feeling this way for a while."

"For a while? For a while?" Tonks repeated, her voice rising to a yell. "We haven't even been married a while! No, no - it's finding out about the baby that's done this to you. All your demons are coming back but you mustn't let them in, Remus. Look at me," Tonks brought her sleeve-covered hand to the notch at the base of her neck, her eyes wide and entreating. "It's me. Your Dora. Your wife. You've got to come back to me. You've got to remember all the good and beautiful things. Remember what it felt like when we danced after our wedding, the sand between your toes, and what it felt like those mornings in Hogsmeade, waking up together after all those months apart, and - and only the other day, upstairs on the landing, the way you kissed my neck - and…" she steadied herself, taking a breath. "I know it hasn't always been easy, but I never promised you an easy marriage, did I? I promised you love. And I love you. So much. Even when you insult me, infuriate me, hurt me…I love you."

"You forgive too much. Overlook too much. Expect too much. Those memories obscure the truth. Loving me has brought you nothing but hardship. It's weakened you in every way. Surely you can see that?"

"I'm not weak. I'm proud to love you. I'm proud of who I am."

"And who are you, Tonks? Do you even recognise yourself anymore? You've lost your job, your place in society, your chance at a normal life - even your body is no longer your own. You've lost everything because of me, because of my inability to say no to you. I should have held to my convictions. I knew there would be no peace for us, no lasting joy. I never should have surrendered that night in Hogwarts."

"You didn't surrender, you followed your heart after a year of denial! You let go of your stupid hang-ups and admitted you loved me."

"I broke. I couldn't stand the pressure anymore."

Tonks' cheeks burnt red. "No - !"

"You thought you could sweep my reservations aside with a grand gesture in front of our friends, but - "

"That's not how it was! You're twisting it!"

" - though I was overcome, I was never convinced."

"You're a liar! You're the one who came to find me. You weren't broken, you were yourself, your true self, more yourself now than whoever," she jabbed her finger at him, "this stranger is. I'll never forget the way your face looked. The sun was coming up and you cried and you told me you didn't want to lie to me anymore. That the truth was you'd love me your whole life," Tonks' voice wavered, but she pressed on, "those days around our wedding were the happiest of your entire life and you'll never be able to convince me that they weren't. 'No more fear', that's what you said to me. In the shower. Don't you remember? You gave me the best of you. You weren't shackled by fear. You were happy. You were so happy."

"I pushed my concerns down deep, but I knew what we were doing was wrong."

"I don't believe that for a second!" Tonks spluttered. "If that's true, why the hell did you go through with it? WHY DID YOU MARRY ME?"

"BECAUSE YOU ASKED ME TO."

He hadn't intended to shout back at her. He heard the words erupt and echo around the small room as if they belonged to someone else.

"Why are you doing this to me?" Tonks' voice was strangled, almost unrecognisable. "If I'm so much better than you, why do you keep treating me like shit? You swore you'd never hurt me again, but now you're acting like it's inevitable. Nothing is inevitable, Remus, nothing. This is a choice you're making. A choice you can unmake."

"I didn't choose to conceive a child."

"Right, that was your fucking stupid wife's fault."

"You were careless, but the fault lies equally with us both. I never should have entered a physical relationship with you so lightly - "

The end of his sentence disappeared into Tonks' harsh breathy laugh. "I swear, the war outside is nothing compared to the war your brain is waging against itself."

"That doesn't sound like a description of a fit father to me."

"Your baby will love you, Remus."

"The man that condemned it to the full moon? No. It will despise me."

"Only if you tear our marriage apart, only if you abandon us! Let's pretend for a second that our baby will be a werewolf like you. Don't you think it will need you all the more? You never had that growing up, did you? You never had anyone who really understood what it was like, your Dad was afraid - "

"You understand nothing - "

"I understand more than you give me credit for! I'd understand even more if you opened up to me. We wouldn't be in this mess if you weren't always letting your shame get the better of you. You're always refusing my help, trying to keep your symptoms a secret - "

"I'm not the only one who has been secretive in this marriage."

Remus dipped his hand into his pocket. The sickles he had found on the floor by the door - enough for four butterbeers - clinked as he withdrew the crumpled note he'd discovered amongst them. He smoothed it and held it up to show her. Her eyes flicked, defiant, to his face instead.

"I should get that phrase tattooed somewhere. Maybe that'll finally get the message into your thick head that I don't care you're a werewolf."

Her words pricked him, lancing a boil of resentment he'd scarcely known was there.

"Oh, I know you don't care, Tonks," he replied, derision leaking into his tone. "Where we differ is that you seem to believe that's a good thing."

Tonks frowned, surprise robbing her of a response.

"You should care. You should care because I care. You should long for me to escape this, as I do. If you had even the slightest appreciation of what it means to be trapped the way I am, bound the way I am, forced to share a mind and body with a monster bent on massacre, you would beg for a miracle at every full moon like I do. You think this wretched child will want to hear that its mother doesn't care whether it's a werewolf or not?"

"I…" Tonks blinked rapidly, "…that's not what I…when I say I don't care, I don't mean I don't care about your suffering or your…your… What it means is that I love you for who you are, I'm willing to take the risk, I don't love you any less because you're a werewolf…"

"Your mother was right about you. You think love alone is enough. But it isn't, Tonks. It isn't."

"My mum said what? When?"

"We spoke privately over the dishes - "

"I knew it! I knew something happened that night! Don't listen to her, she grew up in a poisonous, prejudiced environment, she - "

"She only told me what I already knew: that our marriage puts you in unacceptable danger, that I should have resisted you and stuck to my principles."

"Why didn't you tell me? Omitting is as good as lying, you know."

"You lied to me before our wedding. You told me your parents were fine with my condition."

"Can you fucking blame me? I am on constant eggshells around you! It's impossible to have an honest conversation sometimes, you're so sensitive, always looking for a reason to shrink away. All I've ever wanted to do is love you and prove it, but you chuck it all back in my face! You're forcing me to fight for you even though you're the one being a complete twat, not me! This whole argument is a farce. We both know you'll never actually leave me. You'll be begging for me to forgive you before the day's through. You'll step up and be the father you were always meant to be."

"I'll never be a father. I'll not force my presence on an innocent child who's already been punished with a life not worth living because of my mistakes."

"Not worth living? That's like saying you'd rather never have been born than live the life you've got!"

"Yes. It is."

Tonks became very still. Her eyes had been dry, but now they started to swim.

Her voice cracked as she asked, "You'd rather have nothingness than our life together?"

"I've wished for oblivion many times. Never more so than today."

Tonks' shoulders sagged and a sob throbbed from her mouth. Fat tears fell, too numerous for her hands to stop, soaking her face.

"That's awful…Remus, no…."

"The war is the only thing left to me. Harry is our only hope for victory and he needs my protection."

Tonks stared at him, her eyelashes heavy with crystal-like tears.

"I'm going to join him. I'm going to help he, Ron and Hermione complete the task Dumbledore bequeathed to them."

"You want to leave me to follow them on their mission?"

"Yes."

"You want to leave me?"

"Yes."

Tonks doubled over and wretched, clutching her stomach with one hand and paddling the air with the other, groping for the sofa.

"You don't want to fight for them, you want to die for them!" She moaned.

Remus caught her just as her knees buckled. She balled his robes in her fists and pushed hard against his chest, wriggling away from him and clinging to him at the same time. He swept her feet from the floor and laid her down in the cushions. She curled up, creature-like, her long strands of hair draping off the edge of the sofa.

"What can I do? What can I do?"

"There's nothing you can do."

Her eyes crinkled shut and her whole body twitched with new sobs. Remus straightened up and walked to the kitchen, pulling out a fraying potions encyclopedia. He ran his finger down the index to find 'morning', then flicked to the page: the ingredients were simple, easily summoned from Mad Eye's stores. He mixed them in boiled water, cast the required charm, then decanted the steaming tea into a mug. Next he prepared a bowl of thick porridge, stirring liberal amounts of sugar into the oats, listening to Tonks cry. The sound calmed him: every tear that fell, every choking groan, was a memory, a kiss, a little piece of him leaving her forever. It was a necessary pain. She was being purged.

A drip landed on the counter. To his surprise, Remus raised his hand to find his own cheeks wet. He dried them before returning to her.

"Here," he said, perching on the very edge of the sofa beside her trembling supine body, balancing the bowl between them. "The tea is for the sickness and the porridge is to restore your strength. You've been up all night. You're shocked and exhausted. Once you're feeling better, you can decide what you're going to do next."

Tonks sat up slowly, her blocked sinuses labouring her breathing. She took the mug from him and drank, watching him carefully through red-rimmed eyes.

"I know I have no right to tell you what to do, but all the same I'd like to offer you some advice. If you're determined to have this baby, the best thing will be to move in with your parents. They'll look after you. I don't want you to be alone."

Tonks placed the empty mug on the floor and mopped her nose with her cardigan, straightening her back, the potion reanimating her. Her pink, tear-stained face was alive with the extraordinary strength that had always entranced him, but now he saw it for what it truly was: a misplaced faith that blazed like an inferno; that she couldn't stop fanning even as it consumed everything she held dear.

"You won't leave me," she said. "You love me too much. No matter how cruel and self-loathing you can be, you always do the right thing in the end. You won't leave your pregnant wife like some scumbag. You take care of people even though life's never really taken care of you, because that's who you are. Your darkest thoughts don't define you and I know they won't break you: they never have and they never will. You're a survivor, Remus. And so am I. We can withstand anything, even the apocalyptic barney we've just had, anything. You're the person I've chosen to share my life with and I trust my instincts. You're too good and too brave and you love me too much to - "

Tonks stopped short. She was staring at his left hand.

"It's on the table. I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression that I was some kind of hero, Tonks."

After two years of waiting for it, Remus finally saw the look of disgust on her face he always knew he would. She picked up the heavy bowl of porridge and, in a single swift movement, cast her arm back and hurled it across the room where it exploded against the wall.