The next three days passed by in a blur of exercise and poor sleep. Steve kept the recurring alarm set, even though he knew it was not his fault he hadn't woken up before. It just felt safer this way. And it might be hard at first, but he could train his body to deal just like he did everything else.
He dropped the books off at the bookstore by his apartment and leafed through a meal prepping book he noticed on a shelf. It sounded like such a good idea, reminding him of his mom pickling and jarring things she had excess of so it didn't go to waste. Steve ended up buying the book and splurging on reusable containers he could fill his freezer with. No more coming home after missions to find all his food had gone bad. He cooked all the food he had in his fridge, taking great care to cool and freeze everything properly. This would save him so much time and effort. Time he could spend on more important things. Like training.
Some people might think enhanced strength was the only important thing about a super soldier, but he couldn't just rely on that. He needed speed, agility, endurance, and stamina. His new living room space was great for floor exercises and stretching. He spent hours in the gym working on strength training, politely shrugging off the owner whenever he tried to make conversation. Steve shouldn't have even bothered the man in the first place, having to lie to him in every conversation they'd had. His favorite was running. He could do it whenever he wanted, for as long as he wanted. Steve could take off before the sun came up and not come home until the sun went down. His body was a machine and he loved pushing himself to the limit.
The call finally came in to let him know the whole team was back and they were going to meet the next morning. He'd been hoping that they wouldn't want to meet at Stark Tower, and since Fury wanted to go over things, the meeting was taking place at the Shield building. Steve didn't know what Fury wanted to discuss, but he hoped it was about the returning members of the team and not him.
This would be the first test of his better self. If anyone could tell he was overcompensating his shortcomings, it would be his team. He'd have to avoid Clint and Natasha as much as possible, since they were most likely to spot a fraud and call him out. Bruce was too polite to say anything and Tony probably wouldn't want to call him out and reveal their secret. As soon as they went on a few missions together, they'd know the old, flawed captain was gone and the new one he was presenting was the leader they should've had all along. There wouldn't be any pushback once he proved himself.
Steve spent the time before bed ironing his clothes again for the meeting tomorrow and hanging them up on his door. Back in his day, men wore suits. It didn't matter your social status, you wanted to present your best self to people. He may not be wearing a suit now, but his khakis and button up were still proper according to today's standards.
Steve moved over to his sleeping area and began his nighttime ritual of trying to settle before bed. He was still so tense every night when it was time to fall asleep that he was trying new techniques to relax. Meditation felt weird and like a waste of time. He was never able to clear his mind, so he just kept going over all his shortfalls. Traditional yoga was a bust because it just made him want to do a more high intensity workout. So now he was trying stretching. Maybe if he loosened himself up, his body would settle along with his mind. Steve meticulously stretched every inch of his body, from the soles of his feet, to the top of his head. His body didn't feel as tense as usual when he finally laid down, so maybe this would work.
It didn't work. It wasn't that he was scared to sleep, because he didn't get scared. There was just always a chance he wouldn't wake up, and that would disappoint everyone who counted on him in this time. He wasn't scared to leave everyone behind again and have to start a new life in a new world. Steve just hadn't worked off what he owed these people yet. There could still be a little of that drug running through his system, just waiting to pull him under again. He'd slept for a few hours right after he got back to his apartment the first time, but that could've been a fluke. It would be irresponsible for him to take that chance, wouldn't it? Did he even really need to sleep anymore? The serum could probably take care of any typical side effects of missing a little sleep. And was sleep really all that important? He knew rest was, because it gave your body a chance to recover and recharge, but did he have to do that with his eyes closed?
The past few nights of getting a few snatches of sleep here and there before being jolted awake by his alarm were probably less restful than just staying awake altogether. Steve could just lay and rest his body for a few hours, while going over mission strategies in his head. It was the perfect solution. Instead of wasting time asleep, he would be bettering himself as a captain. This was just another advantage of having the serum. An edge no one else had. Steve felt silly that he hadn't thought of it before. If he wasn't tied down to a bed for eight hours a night, he would get so much more accomplished in a day. He figured four hours for rest would be a good place to start, maybe a little longer if he had something to recover from. Then he'd be able to get much more running in before he had to go to the meeting.
Steve stared at the ceiling for the next few hours, only moving to hit his alarm each time it went off. He pictured different mission scenarios in his head, thinking about the best way to neutralize any threat he could come up with. This was going to be really good for him. The team would surely be impressed, even Tony. The faster they could get the job done, the faster they could go their separate ways. Them to the tower together, and him back to his apartment.
He decided he'd had enough rest when the alarm rang at 4:00am. Steve carefully folded and put away his bedroll and headed into the bathroom with his running gear. He had about four hours to jog before he had to be back to his apartment to get ready for the meeting. After his quick, cold shower, he headed off, going to a nearby park that was big and less populated enough that no one would notice the same man running around for hours. Steve didn't need to call attention to himself by passing the same people at an unusual pace. The weather was a little drizzly, but Steve didn't mind. It was actually quite refreshing. His new relationship with cold was going well. The time passed by too quickly in his opinion, but it was already time to head back. The coffee shop didn't even ping on his radar as he ran by it this time.
Steve threw one of his premade breakfast meals into the oven, leaving it to heat up while he cleaned up and changed. He took another quick shower and styled his hair in the mirror of his newly installed medicine cabinet. He'd decided to keep it at this length for now, not wanting to waste his time at the barbershop when he could just buzz it off himself some other time. And he thought back to one of the movie nights they'd had at the tower before he moved out, watching a movie where the main character had a mental breakdown and shaved all her hair off. He didn't want Tony to think he'd had a mental break because of him, because he was perfectly sane.
After he'd dressed, eaten, and made sure he was in pristine condition, he set off for Shield. He sat straight backed and cool headed in the back of the cab, exuding an air of confidence. Steve tried to channel Colonel Phillips. The man always had a strength and poise about him, even during the grittier moments of war. He knew he'd never live up to the man, but it was good to have a benchmark to strive to.
Steve repeated his steps from the last meeting, walking to the building, heading straight for the elevators, being sent to the conference room by the secretary, and being the first one in the room. He wasn't worried at all this time. Tony wasn't going to say anything and everyone would be focused on the returning members of the team.
Steve was really hoping Fury would have some sort of mission for them. It wasn't that he wanted some evil person to be wreaking havoc on anyone, but he needed to be useful. The longer he was sitting at home doing nothing, the longer it would take him to settle his debts. Captain America was made for working and there was only so much training he could do. He wandered over to the windows, looking out at the clouds gathering in the sky. It looked like it would storm later, which would really get in the way of his afternoon run. He'd have to spend that time in the gym then, dodging the well meaning owner.
The door opened behind him and he turned around, standing tall and ready to meet whoever was coming in. It was the rest of the team, all entering at the same time. Of course they did, they lived together. They were all chatting, looking perfectly comfortable with each other. Steve felt a little pang in his heart, but he ignored it. He was separate because that's what he wanted. It was his choice.
"Good to see you Cap," Bruce said, walking up to shake his hand. "Heard you had a rough couple of days." Steve cut his eyes to Tony, actively forcing himself not to crush Bruce's hand that was still in his grip. Tony really told the team, didn't he? Steve was not prepared for this. He had been completely sure Tony wouldn't say anything. Of course he was wrong, he was always wrong. Steve wasn't going to be able to stay on the team now. There was no way they would be able to respect him or listen to his direction in the field. Why would anyone want to follow someone so weak? But what was he going to do now? Would Shield be able to use him for something else if he wasn't an Avenger? Would they even want to?
"Yeah, Fury told us you got hit on the head and were out for a few days," Natasha said, eyeing their still joined hands. Steve hastily released him, stepping back to give himself some space. They were all looking at him now. One minute into the meeting and he was already failing. They didn't even know and this is how he was acting.
"Oh, you know Cap," Tony chuckled, pulling everyone's attention back to him, "nothing can keep him down for long." Steve glanced over at the other man, feeling pleasantly surprised and slightly confused. Was Tony helping keep everyone off his back? Was it because he was actually remorseful or just so the team wouldn't know what he did? Either way, Steve was happy for it. He followed the team over to the table, sitting a few seats away from where everyone was grouped. Not enough to be obvious, but enough to keep himself separate.
"Can't leave you boys alone for a second," Natasha sighed, leaning back in her chair.
"You were gone for like a month. I think we managed," Tony scoffed, rolling his eyes at the thought. Steve couldn't help but agree with Natasha. Tony never would've been able to pull off his prank if the rest of the team had been there. But he didn't have to worry about that anymore. He'd never let himself get in that position again.
"Yeah, and while you guys were playing with dumb little robots and then going home to your comfortable beds, we were doing classified things in a classified place. You know what isn't classified? That it sucked," Clint grumbled, laying his head down on the table. They all started comparing stories, trying to one up each other with who had to endure the worst mission. It all seemed so natural. It reminded Steve of his Commandos, laughing and chatting whenever they had down time. He almost forgot why he wasn't letting himself join in. Why he was keeping himself disconnected. Steve would never be able to fit into this, no matter how hard he tried. Trying again and failing would be too much to take.
"Glad to see you all made it back in one piece," Fury said as he strode into the room.
"Glad to be back, sir," Natasha responded politely. "You received our reports last night?"
"Yes, everything is fine with those, thank you Agent Romanoff," Fury said, moving to the head of the table. "I brought you here to let you know that we have our eyes on a few suspicious groups. I've got a couple teams looking into them, but I'm not ready to send you in yet."
"What kind of groups?" Clint asked, perking up at the sound of another mission.
"A little of this, a little of that. Weapons manufacturing, unauthorized biological testing, you name it, we're probably looking at someone doing it."
"Ah yes, same old thing," Tony grumbled, looking longingly at the exit. Tony never cared to hear about this stuff. He just wanted to go in, be flashy, and get all the glory. Steve knew that it took a lot of legwork to prepare properly for a mission.
"You want us to look into any of them?" Natasha asked, ready to go back out. Steve appreciated that about Clint and Natasha. They were good workers, always ready to follow orders and get the job done. Tony could learn to be a bit more like them.
"No, there are too many to deal with right now and I want you guys ready for when one of my other teams calls in. You'll all be on standby until further notice. No other missions or humanitarian trips, unless some kind of emergency pops up," Fury directed, looking around the table for agreement. Everyone nodded except Tony, who looked annoyed.
"You called us here to tell us to stay home?" Tony complained, heaving a big sigh.
"Maybe next time you won't leave a meeting before it's over," Fury shot back with a smirk.
"You left for like an hour to take a phone call."
"It was twenty minutes at most. Captain Rogers had no problem waiting."
"Well, we can't all be your golden boy, now can we?" Tony sneered, glaring at Fury. Steve sat with his jaw clenched, staring at the table in front of him. If any of the tension had eased between him and Tony, Fury did a great job of building it back up. Steve could feel the eyes of the rest of the team pointed toward the dueling men, but he didn't know if he should speak up. He definitely didn't want to draw the attention onto himself. And he didn't think his input would be appreciated right now.
"You were never even in the running Stark," Fury said with a smug smile, waving his hand toward the door. "You're free to go. Just remember what I said."
"I was about to leave anyway," Tony mumbled, standing up from his seat. "I have a welcome home party to attend with my team. Oh darn, I guess I forgot your invite." Tony made a big show of patting his pockets. Fury just smiled and turned away. Tony huffed and walked out, not waiting for the rest of the group. Steve stayed in his seat, not wanting to be stuck on the same elevator as everyone else. And he wanted to talk to Fury alone.
"Come on Cap, you should join us," Natasha said, sliding over to stand by his side. Bruce and Clint had followed after Tony, leaving the three of them in the room. "We're catching up on the new movies we missed while we were away. And I convinced Stark to order in burgers and fries." He had to admit, it sounded tempting. His chicken breast dinners were already getting old, but he had to stay strong. Steve made these choices for a reason and giving up this early would just prove to him how bad of a leader he was. If he couldn't stick to his plan for a whole week, what was the point of even trying anymore?
"No, thank you," Steve said, with a tight smile, making brief eye contact with the woman. Natasha looked disappointed, but not surprised. He always said no. Steve wished they would stop trying already. When would they finally learn it was better this way? Tony did, but he hoped it wouldn't take a catastrophic event for the others to learn too. Natasha sighed, tapping the table by his hand softly before she left. Now he could finally get to business.
"Sir, could I have a moment?" Steve asked, stepping up to stand behind Fury. At the other man's nod, he continued. "I'd like copies of whatever your teams have found about our future missions, if that's possible. If there are files I can look through it will help us prepare for what we might be dealing with."
"I'm not sure how much the teams have so far, but I can have whatever they have compiled and sent to your apartment by end of day," Fury agreed. "Good thinking." Steve flashed the man a quick smile before he took his leave. He felt so much relief from leaving the meeting on a high note with Fury. Steve knew it wasn't much, but it was a step in the right direction. If he just kept doing everything right, this past week would be long forgotten.