Hi! Thank you in advance for reading – I've had chapters 19 and 20 mostly written for a while now, hence the speedy updates. I'm moving in a few days though, so this will probably be the last update for a bit while I deal with all that craziness/busyness. It could be worse on my end though…just imagine trying to move all of Addison and Derek's crap out of the brownstone and the Hamptons home. ;)

Chapter title is a line from the song "North," by Sleeping At Last.

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Chapter 20. Storms Will Push and Pull

"I've been yelled at by both the men I love in the past twenty-four hours," Addison says by way of a greeting when Savvy answers her cell phone. She leaves out the part about both instances being entirely her fault, or at least mostly her own doing.

Addison went out onto the stoop when Mark got to the brownstone. It would have been weird if she didn't, she felt. And Mark said hello and managed to smile because Derek was standing right there, but after that, he deliberately avoided looking at her. Addison could feel – as contradictory as it sounds in her head – the heat of his coldness. Derek didn't see the tension between them because he was busy carrying his bike down the steps, but Addison could certainly see that Mark was still angry. The rigid jaw, the thinly-arranged lips, the narrowed eyes…the soundless fury came across so powerfully.

"That sounds fun for you," Savvy responds with mild derision, but Addison can still hear the concern and sympathy coating her friend's voice. "Wanna come over and talk about it? Weiss is in the shower right now. Phoebe spit up all down his back, and it was one-thousand percent the grossest thing I've ever seen…but also…possibly the funniest? Anyway, I can temporarily kick him out if you want to talk in private." Savvy confessed to Addison recently that she has told Weiss that their friends are having some problems, just in case Addison needs to come over more (right now, for example), but she left out the parts that don't exactly paint Addison in a good, fidelity-abiding light. "I could send Weiss to run errands or something."

"I don't really feel right about banishing your husband, Sav."

"Oh, he won't mind. You heard what I just said, right? His kid barfed down his back. Like, Exorcism-style. Weiss would love a break, and if he doesn't to be my errand boy, he can just go to his office – he can get in there on weekends – and he can take a nap. He'd love that…there hasn't been much sleeping in the past forty-eight hours. So seriously, come over. I'm worried about you and you probably shouldn't be alone right now."

"But I don't…" Addison hesitates. "I really want to see you, but I don't want to disturb your newborn glow with all of my drama…my self-induced drama. This should be such a happy time for you. I don't want to put a damper on that."

"It is a happy time, spit-up aside, but if you don't want to talk about what's been going on, you can at least come over to tell me if my nipples are supposed to look like this. Otherwise I'm about to send some half-naked pics your way. And if I do, guess what: you're getting a nice little preview of this year's holiday cards, too."

Addison bursts into laughter, and it's a welcome release; her stomach has been in absolute knots since last night. "I can definitely check, but I promise your nipples are probably supposed to look the way they do right now," she says. "Breastfeeding is no joke. But Savvy, if I…if I come over, I might start crying and if I do, I might…I might not be able to stop."

"That's okay. You and my kid have that in common…but she's cool as a cucumber right now, and holding a baby will probably be good therapy, too. Phoebe loves her Aunt Addie. She wants to snuggle with you and I promise she won't judge you if you cry all over her."

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"Are you…" Mark gives Derek a furtive look, and then opts to just power through and finish the rest of his thought. He knows Derek is thinking the same thing, but Derek likely won't say it to his fiancée for fear of hurting her feelings. No, Mark figures. Derek will wait until we've capsized. He'll say something to Addison when we're about to drown, probably. "Look, I'm not trying to be rude here, Red, but you know what you're doing, right?" He says this to Addison's back since she is currently busy raising one of the sails on her father's boat.

Mark and Derek have observed and overheard Addison mumble various things about the state of the wind and water on the Long Island Sound today – the tide will be pushing them away from the dock, apparently…something about "the bottom left." And just before Mark asked his question, there was some under-the-breath muttering about a tiller and a hull, and pushing the bow out, none of which means anything to Mark and Derek. And even though Mark isn't trying to be rude, it is still a pushy enough question that it does in fact make Addison turn around. Her expression is a little amused, but it is mostly just stubbornly defensive, which is what Mark expected. The predictability of it makes him grin. Derek, too.

"Of course I know what I'm doing," Addison says insistently. "Stop being so sexist."

"I'm not being sexist. Come on, you know I'm a feminist."

Addison smirks at this comment. "Screwing feminists does not a feminist make, Mark."

"Listen, I'd be concerned if Derek was in charge of sailing a boat, too. No offense."

"None taken…and likewise," Derek replies. He removes his sunglasses to study his fiancée a little closer. "Addison, it's just that...you've said before that you're a 'terrible sailor.' On more than one occasion, actually. And our lives are kind of in your hands with this."

"Terrible by the Captain's standards. And you know he and Bizzy are difficult to please. Don't worry; I've got this. Also, your lives are hardly in my hands. Relax. We're not going directly into a monsoon. It's a nice day out. Just ignore the shark over there." And then Addison leans forward, clutching at her stomach and laughing loudly when both guys' heads jerk with alarm to where she pointed. "Oh, come on. That was too easy. Did you honestly think there was going to be a shark in the Sound?"

"I could be standing in the middle of Madison Square Garden and if you told me there was a shark a few feet away from me, I'd still freak out." Mark shakes his head, trying to appear annoyed, but he and Derek are both laughing. "And I can't wait to make a joke about a rat next time I'm in your guys' apartment," he says as an afterthought.

"Well, it's New York City," Derek says, "so that's always a possibility. And Addie will definitely run off screaming when it happens."

It turns out Addison does know what she is doing on the boat though, and that soon becomes clear to Mark. Yes, he and Derek help with things here and there when she gives them specific instructions (they are the first and second officers, and Addison told them they could fight privately over who gets to be her first officer), but it's really Addison doing all the work and ensuring they cut smoothly through the cold, brackish water surrounding them. It's just another thing that makes Addison impressive in Mark's eyes. And he's not the easiest man to impress.

Later in the day when they have successfully anchored far away from the shoreline, Addison wriggles out from under the arm Derek has slung over her shoulders in order to follow Mark's intrigued gaze to a neighboring sailboat where a few bikini-clad women are. College-aged, Addison suspects.

"You know…" she begins, which captures the attention of both men. "It would really, really make me laugh – and probably Derek, too – but Mark, if you want to swim over to that boat and do your Mark Thing, I promise we won't raise the anchor and take off without you."

"My Mark Thing," Mark replies with amusement. "I'm just looking, actually. They're with a couple guys…you can't see them, but they're in the water on the other side of the boat. They probably don't want some creep – though a handsome creep, mind you – swimming up on them."

"Well, if there's guys over there then." Addison makes a dramatic show of holding up her left hand and wiggling her bare fingers. "Maybe we should go check it out. No ring right now." She purposely left it at her parents' house this morning. Derek proposed a few months ago, and they will be getting married next June; the save-the-date cards just went out.

Addison doesn't really think the diamond ring is going to slide off her finger – Naomi said it's supposed to fit like a glove – but she'd rather not take the chance, especially over a body of water. She has given some thought to what she'll do when she starts her residency, and thinks that maybe she'll use a safety pin and fasten it to her scrub top when she gets to observe and assist with procedures.

"You think you're soooo cute whenever you say that, Addie." Derek chuckles. He puts his arm back over her. "Get some new material. The crowd is over it."

"Well, you don't want me to lose the ring, right?"

"Indeed I do not. So no girls then…or guys…" Derek peers at Mark, who is seated on the opposite side of the boat. "I guess you're stuck with us." And Mark just shrugs and takes a long sip of his beer; there are worse people to be stuck with.

Mark isn't really in the mood to swim just yet – he'd like to be as hot as possible before jumping in, because it just makes it feel that much better – so he remains in the boat while Addison and Derek hold hands and leap off the back. His friends seem pretty occupied with one another, so Mark is given a bit more freedom to stare. To stare at Addison, specifically. She's gorgeous, and when she's happy, she always looks a bit more intoxicating. He sees the gathering of freckles dusted along her narrow shoulders, the extra coloring now present in her cheekbones (definitely the start of a sunburn), and her darkened-from-the-water hair gathered on top of her head. He also sees the flimsy-looking purple straps and the knot at the base of her neck that he assumes is part of a triangle bikini top. Mark can't say for certain; he stared in the opposite direction when Addison quietly took her tank top and shorts off earlier before getting in the water. Mark knows what's considered rude and inappropriate, as well as what would be disrespectful to his best friend. It's definitely fun to discreetly look at Addison though from time to time. Besides, it's just looking, and Mark doesn't think there's anything wrong with that. Attractive women are going to get looked at, they just are, and Mark and Derek have always joked that they have the same taste in women. Additionally, Mark looks at many women, and it is of no consequence; looking doesn't necessarily mean anything.

Derek and Addison usually appear nauseatingly happy and although it can be annoying to observe sometimes, Mark truly is happy for them. He can tell how in love they are. She's the love of my life, Derek told him once when they'd both had a few too many drinks.

It happened so quickly once Addison and Derek shook hands over their cadaver, and so quickly once Mark innocently asked Addison if she had any interest in going out on a date with Derek. Now it is Addison and Derek all the time (or Derek and Addison, depending on who you ask). But often there's an and Mark in there too, Mark knows, because Derek has always been a loyal friend, and Addison is the same way. He is grateful for that, and sometimes humbled by the fact that the two of them even want to be friends with him, and that they want him to be Derek's best man next summer; Addison and Derek are just so good and kind and genuine with their intentions. And Mark knows he isn't really like that.

The love stuff is tricky. Mark thinks that maybe if you're with the right person – Derek and Addison, for example – it wouldn't be scary to fall in love or utterly exhausting and boring to commit to and stick with one person for the rest of your life. It would probably be worth it. Hell, even Mark's parents, for all of their flaws, truly love each other.

It's mostly the Addison-is-brilliant thing for Mark – yeah, the tits, ass, and hair are great to covertly stare at once in a while, sure, but there's just something about the brilliance. Mark gives this some thought while inky-colored waves gently push up against their boat. This characteristic occasionally serves as some type of girlfriend or relationship yardstick for him. He thinks it might be nice if he found someone who is his intellectual equal. (He ignores the fact that the Addison comparison in this situation might not be entirely accurate, because they probably aren't equals. She's just a little bit smarter than Mark, and a little smarter than Derek, too. Neither man doubts she will be the star intern when they start their residency program in two weeks' time.)

Mark has been with a lot of women, but he doesn't feel like he's met his match yet. And he's not exactly looking for match…he just sort of figures he'll keep doing what he's doing, and if the right woman comes along…well. He'll probably know it when the time comes and then he'll find spectacular ways to fuck it up anyway.

"It really is beautiful out here," he says when Derek and Addison climb back into the boat and wrap themselves in beach towels. He says it too softly for his friends to hear him though.

Derek is ultimately the one to break the peaceful silence between the three of them. He grabs a beer from the cooler and clears his throat while opening it. "We should probably toast to something. I feel like we should toast to something. So here's to…the almost-beginning of our residency. And shark-less waters and Addison not killing us out here."

Addison lifts up her water bottle filled with wine – she's pretty much exclusively a wine and Scotch drinker now. "Ha, very funny. And here's to the amazing start to the rest of our lives. Oh shut up, the both of you," she adds when Derek and Mark look at one another and smirk. "I know it's cheesy, but I don't care. We really are lucky that our rank-orders all worked out and we get to be together. So here's to us…the three of us."

"An incomparable trio," Mark says. He moves his beer into the circle to push it against Addison's and Derek's drinks. For a brief moment, they are all connected.

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"She's so beautiful. Just breathtaking, really," Addison whispers. She is cradling a now-sleeping Phoebe in her arms. She strokes her thumb over a thin, feather-soft patch of dark hair close to the baby's temple. "I just can't get over it."

Savvy beams and nods. "I'm biased, but yeah…yeah, she is. If your arms get tired though, feel free to put her in the bassinet. And you don't have to whisper, Addie. I mean, don't yell or use an air horn, but you can talk at regular volume. It doesn't faze her while she's asleep, and even if it did, she's gotta get used to it sometime."

"I only just saw her a week ago, and you send me pictures all the time, but seeing her in person after a week...they change so much at this age, and so fast."

"Yeah, they really do. So…" Savvy pulls her knees up and tucks her feet underneath her on the couch cushion, and then angles her body sideways so she is facing Addison. "We can deal with the nipple situation later. Let's talk."

"I just don't…I don't even know where to start."

"That's okay. Start anywhere. I'm listening."

"Well, I guess I'll just say, since we're on the subject of babies…I told Derek…on the day Phoebe was born, actually…I told him that I want to have a baby with him." Addison's cheeks quickly flush upon sharing this. It's more complicated than that, of course – so much more complicated. And Savvy picks up on it right away.

"So that means you're going to end things with Mark. Right…?" Savvy sighs in resignation when Addison's eyes dart away from her, which makes it clear that I-don't-have-an-answer is the answer. "Yeah…" Savvy murmurs. "I thought so. We've talked about this before, but it's one thing to cheat on your husband, Addie...it's another to cheat on your husband when he also happens to be the father of your child. It's…" Savvy purses her lips and shakes her head. "I'm sorry, but it's unbelievably selfish. There are many things about your affair that I always try not to judge you for, but this…this isn't one of them. You're being an asshole for even thinking about having a baby while you're not sure you want to end things with Mark…and when…when you're also not even sure if you want to stay with your husband. Addison, I love you, and I'm not trying to be -"

"No, I know. I'm being an asshole. Trust me; I know." Addison's eyes fill with tears. "And I'm absolutely ashamed of myself for it."

"Do you want a baby with Derek though or do you just want a baby? Don't say anything, just think about it, because honestly, I'm gonna go ahead and say you aren't sure. And I don't blame you if your biological clock is ticking. I also think it's pretty normal for feelings like this to come up when one of your closest friends has a baby, like…just thinking about what's happening in your life right now and what's not. The thing is though…you're gonna be such a great mom, Addie. No matter who you have a kid with and no matter how you have a kid. Remember that. Don't stay in your marriage just because you want to have a baby, and to have that baby with someone. Derek would be a great dad, yeah, but that still doesn't necessarily make having a baby with him right now right. There's more than one way or whatever to become a mom, and if you have a child on your own…it's not like you wouldn't have me and Naomi and probably other friends as a support system. You know it's wrong to start trying though when this is what your life is currently like. You're in love with two men and can't choose between them and you might just end up staying in a marriage you're incredibly unhappy in just because it's the safe choice, probably the easier choice…that's not fair to a kid, you know?"

"No, it's not," Addison says in agreement. "And Derek, you're right...he's the safe choice. Staying would be easier. I'd be unhappy, yes, but my life would be in one piece. I wouldn't have to hurt him...and I really, really don't want to hurt him, Sav. Also, if I don't end things, then I won't have to shock my family and his family and our friends and colleagues and just be judged mercilessly for leaving him…for leaving him for his best friend. And I know I shouldn't care what other people think, but how do you not care in this situation? I'd be a pariah. People would hate me. And if I stayed with my husband, I'd be sad, but not…not scared. I'd still be whole."

Savvy shakes her head. "Addie, you're not whole though. You're not right now. Not really…not when you're this anxious and upset and guilt-ridden all the time. And you deserve to be happy, you know. No matter what you've done...you deserve to be happy, and to be loved. No one should stay in a relationship that makes them sad, and sometimes that might mean taking a risk, although in this case...I don't know. Are you scared of losing Mark? And are you more scared of losing Mark than you are of losing Derek?"

"Yes to losing Mark, but as far as the comparison piece...I don't know." Addison wipes with one hand at the tears starting to slip down her cheeks. "Losing Mark wouldn't come with a cartoon anvil being dropped. Losing Derek would."

"Losing Derek would be infinitely messier, yeah, but I feel like you're still going to experience the anvil feeling with Mark since you love him, too. But Addison, the baby thing...I'm sorry, but I can't stop thinking about that, especially now that I'm a parent. I know you, so I know how your mind works. So I'm just gonna say...it's really awful to tell Derek you want to try, and then…find ways to not try. You get me? I'm sure it's occurred to you by now to just pretend to get off birth control and then just pop the daily pills in secret…and that's soap opera level of drama and heartlessness. Please don't do that to him. But that said, you've sort of locked yourself into a timeline now – that's the problem."

"There are a lot of problems."

"Right, but your anniversary is…what?" Savvy does the math in her head. "Four weeks away? Addison, you have to make a decision before then because Derek is expecting some baby-making sex."

"Well…maybe not. We left things in a pretty bad place this morning."

"Still. Look, if you decide to take a chance with Mark, that you want to be with him – it's gonna suck to have to have this conversation with Derek, but what you're going through is just going to get worse if you don't do anything. And Derek, he...he's resilient. He would recover. And maybe in the long run, it would be better for him, too. Maybe he'll be happy again. Less dreary. I love the guy, but he is sort of dreary now. He won't leave you if you don't say anything, but he's clearly not happy either. And maybe if you let Derek go...I don't know. But the fact that he doesn't love you the way he used to love you...that's not your fault, Addie. People change. You've changed, too, and maybe you and Derek just weren't meant to be each other's 'one' forever. And Derek...maybe there's something else out there for him, or something more. I don't really know."

"Or there will be someone else," Addison sniffles.

"Hey, if you decide to leave him...you're not allowed to be jealous about that. And, you won't be friends with Derek again after this, you're right – but realistically, are you even friends with him now? It's kinda hard to be friends with someone who isn't around. We've talked about this before...enough times that if I had a nickel for each time, this loft would be paid off. But I'm going to say it again anyway, even in the absence of spare change: Derek is a great guy, but maybe he's not the right guy. The guy. Or maybe he was just right for a certain period of time, because I know with absolute certainty – without even knowing Mark that well – that Mark wasn't ready for anything serious in his twenties and for most of his thirties. And Derek was. And like I've said before: maybe it wasn't meant to be a whole life with Derek. Maybe things have just…run their course, as sad as that is."

"I love Derek. No matter what happens…I'll always love him. I'll always consider him family, even though I know...I know it won't really be possible to be a family if I tell him the truth. But…even though I love Derek and I'll always love him, he's not...he's not Mark. When I'm with Mark…I forget everything else, and I'm more 'me' with him than I've ever known myself to be before. He sees me, Savvy. All of me, even the ugly and messy parts. And it's not just because we come from similar backgrounds and had similar upbringings and the sex – well, you probably don't want to hear about that, but it's really, really good, like multiple orgasms-good. It's not just those things though; there's just some sort of connection between us. I can't really explain it. The way Mark is with other people, other women – because I've seen plenty of his crap over the years – he's not like that with me, not ever. And Derek…he's such a good person and was a really good husband for a such a long time, but he's not…he's not…"

"He's not Mark," Savvy finishes.

"Exactly. And, you know, you asked me once who I would choose if there were no repercussions…and I…I have an answer now. I would pick Mark."

"You think or know you would?"

Addison hangs her head sadly at this. And more tears follow. Messy ones. All over her cheeks, her jawbone, the groove above her upper lip. There is a huge distinction between think and know, obviously. And it would have been easier if this morning had not happened. It felt like she had something of a breakthrough with Derek, even though they didn't resolve anything and they were certainly resentful of each other when Derek left to ride around Central Park with Mark; it wasn't just sadness over the state of their marriage that they were feeling. They talked though – really talked, if only for a moment. But Addison wonders if that actually means something, or if it's just an exception to the otherwise lonely marriage she has gotten so used to existing in.

"I'm not trying to push you in either direction, Addie, but remember that things with Mark are new. You know what that stage of infatuation feels like, the rose-colored honeymoon thing, and how it eventually goes from, like, ridiculously lusty and lovey-dovey to more…subdued, I guess. Still lusty and lovey-dovey, hopefully, but those feelings of newness dissipate. Everything sort of levels out...so are you sure you're not just thinking that you want to be with Mark because of your hypothalamus and all those sex hormones?"

"Hey…" Addison grins faintly through her tears. "I'm the doctor here."

"Yes, you are. And you know what you're doing as a medical professional – you always have. You're the best surgeon there is…but this isn't surgical. I'll support you no matter what, but you very clearly have no idea what you're doing. I mean. Unless I'm wrong. Am I wrong?"

"No, you're not wrong. I have not known what I'm doing for a single second since all of this started with Mark in the fall. I just…I just know that I love him and I want to be with him, even though there's no way to know what the long-term looks like, and if he'll even…if he'll even want the same things I do or if we can truly make it work. And if – if we can't make it work, then I'll have thrown my marriage away, my life away on a fling. I know that, but I still…I still love him. You know, Bizzy accused me of being a passive spectator once – and so did Mark – and it turns out they're both right. And I don't want to be a passive spectator. I want to act. I want Mark. I feel like I have something with him that Derek and I don't have and have never had. And I'll always love Derek, but this is just…it's different. It's more, somehow. It's more and it's…it's kind of everything to me."

Savvy still looks doubtful, and Addison doesn't blame her.

"Are you going to tell Derek though? You can feel all those things for Mark," Savvy states, "and that's all well and good, but telling Derek is a different story. So...are you going to?"

"I just…I don't want to hurt him. He doesn't deserve to be hurt. And relationships, even successful ones, involve a fair amount of forgiveness, but not...not for this situation. Realistically though, I know I'm already hurting him; he just doesn't know it. So I know I need to tell him, even though it will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. And at least…at least I'm thinking about telling Derek, about ending my marriage. For a long time, I couldn't think about it. So this is progress. Like a centimeter of progress, but it's...it's something, right?"

Savvy shrugs, more or less in agreement. "It is something," she muses. "But, Addison…I have a bad feeling. I've had it lately, and I don't know why, but I can't shake it. I'm not trying to make you paranoid, but...I just have a bad feeling, okay? It doesn't matter if you're careful; mistakes can still happen and wrong-place-wrong-time things can still happen. Not everything is within your control. I just know that you can't keep going the way you're going. I'll support you no matter what you decide to do, and if what you need to do is leave your husband, I'll be here for you, but all this secrecy and sneaking around…it's just that, probability-wise…" Savvy reaches out to delicately squeeze her friend's wrist. "Addison, I'm really, really worried Derek is going to find out about you and Mark before you get the chance to tell him the truth."

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References/Nods to Various Episodes:

Grey's 2x04:
Addison: "You know, you are going forgive me eventually, right? I mean you can't just...I mean, there was a time when you thought of me as your best friend."
Derek: "There was a time where I thought you were the love of my life. Things change." And then Addison, later: "Derek, have you ever thought that even if I am Satan and an adulterous bitch, that I still might be the love of your life?"

There is some bike riding referenced in this chapter, and I'm really just mentioning it now because God bless the following exchange from Grey's 3x05:
Mark: "Who got the brownstone?"
Addison: "None of your business."
Mark: "I left my bike in the basement. I just want to know who to talk to to get it back."
Addison: "Buy a new bike."
Mark: "You know, this angry divorcée thing really turns me on."

Also in 3x05, Addison to Derek: "Mark wasn't a one night stand. I was in love with him. Or at least I thought I was. After you left, we lived together for two months. I wanted to believe that we could make it work. I wanted to believe I hadn't thrown my marriage away, that I hadn't thrown my life away on a fling…"

Grey's 2x08:
Savvy: "Addie, you're the best surgeon there is."
Addison: "True. But this isn't surgical."

Also the Savvy/Addison, um, boobie discussion in this chapter was a nod to when Addison is photographing Savvy topless to "immortalize" her breasts before surgery. And during that scene, Savvy says, "You know these are gonna be next year's holiday cards." (Based on when this episode aired/the Grey's timeline, Christmas should have been a few weeks away at the time of Savvy's surgery, but…kay.)