Will knew something was wrong the moment he woke up. Even before he realized Nico wasn't in his arms.

The last thing he remembered was watching Nico kiss his head in a haze of sleep, seeing his smile, falling back asleep again and not waking up until now.

Now. The sun shining through the crack in the tent. His back sore from sleeping on the ground and his body cold from sleeping by himself.

Dread pooled in his stomach and his brain screamed at him, told him he should have seen it coming, but he didn't know what 'it' was and he was too tired to do much but look around the tent for his boyfriend, then weakly call for him to come back.

But he didn't. And that woke Will up.

The first thing he noticed when he opened the tent was how red the sky was. It was always beautiful from the cliff, but today was different. The sun was bleeding at it time it shouldn't. There were no clouds but it drizzled anyways.

It should have made a rainbow, but there was none in sight.

The morning smelled like all mornings in nature do, smelled of dew and grass and the nearby trees. The dirt beneath his fingers smelled like life.

Where did you go when you died? Did you become life in nature, or did you simply cease to exist? What afterlife was right, if there was any at all?

He didn't wonder until that morning. He didn't think about a loved one as just a soul until it was presented to him.

Because the third thing he noticed was Nico's boots sitting at the edge of the cliff and no Nico in them. Will crawled to them like a man dying in the desert, found Nico's phone and keys and hairpin as if it was any other time in the lake, like they were just going swimming and everything was fine and they were both alive.

But this wasn't the lake. Nico was nowhere to be seen. And the moment Will saw that note, he sprinted to the bottom of that cliff.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

He cradled a bloody body in his arms like he once held bloody hands in his own.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

They didn't need an ambulance. They didn't need a life-flight. He was too far gone and an ambulance was towns away.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Leo screamed and broke the red motorcycle, the red paint stripping away.

.

Percy locked himself in his room and didn't eat for two days.

.

Hazel moved in with her friend Frank and his mom and never saw her father again.

.

.

.

.

.

Will refused to lay in a bed Nico was once in and refused to sit on the cliff where he died. He laid on the couch in the Bunker, still decorated from Nico's birthday, reading the note and deciding he was at fault.

He should have seen it coming.

He should have read the signs.

He should have paid attention.

.

He should have saved his life.

*large letters, at the very top* for Will's eyes only. Will, you can share this if you want

*beneath it, in normal writing* If you're reading this, the fall was tall enough. I hope it is. I think it is.

Death has been the only dream I ever had. I'd never make it out of Frostford any other way. And getting out of Frostford was the only way to escape dad and Percy everything else wrong in this life.

I want another chance. Just not in this life. I want another.

You told me to follow my dreams, Will, that day on the cliff. I told you that'd be the spot I'd die and that I only had one dream and you told me to follow it. I had been waiting for a sign, and you gave it to me.

I just couldn't leave Hazel. But you said you and Percy could take care of her, and that was the moment I decided I'd do it. After one last night with you. I was selfish, I strung you along, and I'm sorry. I know you love me and I'm sorry. You made me feel better and you were great and you were all that I had.

But I love Percy. God, I love him. It hurts and it kills and it's too strong to ignore. I fell in love with Percy Jackson and that was the moment I knew I'd take my life.

It wasn't just a crush. It wasn't just a fool's love. I knew that the day I saw him in the hospital. The day I killed Gabe for him.

So take care of him, please. And take care of yourself. And if it's ever possible, please forgive me.

Tell Hazel I'm sorry. Tell Sally and Leo and Annabeth and all the others. Tell them I'm sorry, but I made my mind up years ago. This was the only way.

*runny ink from tears* I just want another life. I want to stop loving. I want another life.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Please forgive me.

.

.

.

.

.

.

The past haunted him. All the signs he should have seen finally became clear.

.

"You guys are going to kill yourselves," Jason warned. "And now you're taking Will down with you."

Nico smirked. "Better to die young than get old in this hellhole."

.

.

"It makes you feel alive, doesn't it?" Nico asked. "Isn't that feeling of life so much better than what life actually is?"

.

.

"Don't assume," Nico said. "Just ask. Figure out the right answers. Because my life's going to be too short for assuming and shit."

Will sat beside him on the ground and began to take off his own shoes. "Your life isn't going to be short. You're healthy."

Nico didn't answer. Maybe Will should have questioned that.

.

.

Nico stared down at the water. "I don't want to find out who really cares about me or not."

.

.

"Smoking can kill you."

"I won't last long enough for that."

.

.

"I can't breathe," Nico whispered. His eyes were towards the sky, his hair floating in the water, pain evidence on his face. But Will saw something else. Some kind of hope.

He didn't say anything because there was nothing he could do. Not when Nico finally had some hope in those eyes. He couldn't risk him losing it.

.

.

"You need to invest in a helmet," Will whispered in his ear. A faint blush covered Nico's neck.

"Or what?" he asked. "If I bash my brains against the road, then I bash my brains against the road. No biggie."

.

.

"When I die, it'll be here. This is my favorite place."

.

.

Will sat beside him. "Is this place what gives you hope?"

Nico nodded.

Will looked out at the sky and breathed in the fresh air he never would have experienced back in the city. "Never lose that hope, Nico. Do what your dreams are. Follow that hope."

Nico looked over at him. "You don't even know what it is."

"Hope is hope."

Nico hummed and looked at the view. "You know, maybe you were right."

"About?"

"Seeing God. You told me to follow that hope. I was looking for a sign that I was right. And last night, in the lake…"

Will elbowed him. "You look good happy. So, what's that hope? Getting out of Frostford?"

"Nobody gets out of Frostford alive."

.

.

"I love you, Will, but that's not the point. I love him. I...it hurts, Will. I love him."

.

.

He took the cigarette out and waved it. "Percy's different. He's love. Not in a boyfriend way. Not in...not in a way we're together. I wouldn't kiss or sleep with him. It's just..." His voice turned to a mumble. "Like soulmates."

"I thought you didn't believe in that stuff."

"Yeah, well, I don't know how else to describe it. Like the only way I can be happy with him is if it was just me and him, alone, by ourselves for eternity. And I don't fucking know why."

.

.

"Like I was going to be dead by senior year?"

.

.

"Would you take care of her if something happened to me?" Nico asked.

.

.

.

.

He hadn't known Nico for long but thought he knew all about him. But only after he was dead did he really find out all the small things.

The hairpin had been Bianca's, had been a gift from Zoe. His favorite food had been Sally's pot roast and McDonald's, and he had told Hazel he really liked the braids she did in his hair. He had been failing his junior year, but the one class he excelled in was science.

His teacher claimed he could have been a great biologist. Maybe it could have gotten him out of Frostford. Maybe he and Will could have escaped together.

Notes:

Im sorry
But this was all for a reason

I lost a friend to suicide before he even reached high school and that shit hurts. Only realizing somethings wrong when its too late, when u get a text saying he's dead. Then u finally see all the signs u should have noticed and ur so guilty because u could have done something, you could have saved a life, and i want to save as many people from that as possible.

Notice the signs. Pay attention. Talk. If ur feeling suicidal, talk. Talk to me, to a teacher, a friend. All my social media is in my bio, just shoot me a message. And if u think ur friend is suicidal, talk to them. It might be uncomfortable but if it saves their life, it's worth it.

The nation suicide prevention line is 800-273-8255. Call. If ur feeling suicidal, they can help. If u know someone who is suicidal, call. They're trained and they know how to help

Just pay attention and take care of yourselves and take care of each other