Chapter 9: Fan Mail
"So let me get this straight," Robin stared at her with wide eyes. They were out shopping, and she dropped the shoes in her hand. "He kissed you before he left, he came back and basically spoiled you the entire time, he held your hand, he cuddled you, almost kissed you again. He literally put his sex life on hold to take care of you, turned away a significant ex, and you really think he isn't into you?"
Casey looked away, "I don't know what I think. It was a lot, and well I don't want to assume anything. Derek may be affectionate because he has no one else and he's putting his life on hold. Maybe he's a little attracted to me, but maybe it's only because I'm all he's got nearby. Doesn't mean he's actually interested in me." She wanted it to be true, wanted him to actually be into her, but she didn't want to get her hopes up.
She laughed softly, "A little…..you need to look up the definition of a little, Derek is dying to be with you, open your eyes Casey."
A tide of desperate longing went over her, "Stop it Robin, that's a huge claim. Am I rattled, yes, but I don't want to assume anything."
Robin went back to browsing through different aisles, "Okay, I'm sorry," she said sweetly, "You're right it is a big claim. I'll ask about you then, did seeing Sally make you jealous?"
Casey felt that instant jealousy consume her and she threw the shoes she was holding on the table, "It wasn't the most comfortable moment in my life, I'll admit it. "
Robin studied her. "Casey, be honest with me…..are you, feeling anything? With this time apart, I know you miss him because whenever he texts you, you smile, you talk about him all the time. Admit it girl, he's got you spinning."
Casey sighed with aggravation; it was hard to deny she felt anything at this point. "Say I was feeling something, and I'm not saying I do…..what should I do?"
"Maybe write him, it's a good way to start writing out your thoughts, and you don't even have to mail it to him. Come on we're psychologists, it's a great therapeutic technique."
Casey smiled, as always Robin was brilliant. "That is a great tool, but what if I'm scared of seeing things I'm not ready for?"
"The truth will set you free, odds are you have been fighting this for so long, but it's just a suggestion Casey. I just wish you could see it through my vantage point."
Casey glanced up at her stiffly,"Tell me, what do you see?"
She shook her head, "I am not going to complicate it more, some things you need to figure out on your own. I'm sorry if I said anything that upset you, your situation is just so unique."
Casey thought about it, maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to start writing, it could help, "I'll think about it, thank you."
Two weeks later, Derek called her as she was falling asleep. She felt instant butterflies as she greeted him. He was silent for a few moments and then sighed deeply, "Do you miss me?"
She gripped the phone tightly against her cheek, "Yes," she said simply, "It's too quiet over here, are you okay?"
He laughed sarcastically, "Am I okay? I've been travelling non stop for weeks, and I can't seem to go anywhere without a mob of girls following me around, writing me, I just want them to leave me alone. I'm tired, cranky, haven't had sex in forever, so I'm a little irritated already. And on top of the awesomeness that is my life, you've barely talked to me all week, " his voice was slurred. He was definitely drunk.
She tried to tame the jealousy of all these girls following him, if he was in need of sex, what was stopping him from just giving in? "Oh, I'm sorry you've had a hard week. I didn't mean to talk to you less, exams are coming up." And she also didn't know what to say lately, with all those heavy emotions, she was having a hard time saying anything at all. "Der, please tell me you're at your hotel room, you sound a little under the influence."
He laughed, "You're such a goody good it's not even funny, yes I'm in my hotel, should I send you a picture? Although, I don't want to shock you but I'm not wearing much. It might freak your delicate eyes out."
Oh god, the image made her unbearably hot, and she tried to control her breathing. She wished she could take care of him, he was obviously lonely. "Well, try to get rest Der, and I miss you, a lot," there was a good chance he wouldn't remember much in the morning, so she let her guard down. "I wish you were here," she admitted.
"I don't want to sleep, please don't hang up, " he pleaded, "I like your voice, have I ever told you that?"
She blushed, and started fidgeting with her hair. "No actually you used to say it annoyed you, even said it was like nails on a chalkboard," she laughed at the memory.
"Well, I'm a very good liar, I should get a medal for it. But I like it, I like it a lot, it's…...so addictive. And when you're angry and you yell at me I like it even more, maybe that's why I always teased you. You're becoming less annoying to me day by day."
Addictive? Oh her heart was bursting, he was so charming, and for once she was getting to see that side of him. She wished he talked to her that way all the time, and she couldn't help but respond. "Well I'm glad, um, I like your voice too. It's rather charming, and at the same time infuriating, but I like it anyway. It's addictive to me too," oh God, she could only hope he'd never remember any of this.
He sighed deeply, "Is there anything else you like about me?"
The question stumped her, how about everything? "I uh, like your hair, its soft and well, I like touching it, " she stuttered.
Derek laughed, "Can't blame you, I know I have good hair."
"Do you only like my voice? I gave you two answers, so you owe me," she bit her lip. She was flirting so badly.
He giggled as if she made an inappropriate joke, "Fine, ummmm, promise you won't call me a freak."
"I promise," her heart raced brutally.
"I like your eyes, they're so blue. They remind me of the sky on like a super hot day."
She clung to the phone tightly, "I didn't realize the sky looked different on a hot day."
He sighed as if thinking about it tortured him, "Your eyes burn me. Look at me being completely lame, I almost puked."
That had to be the most poetic thing she'd ever heard and her breath hitched, "Burn you? Aren't burns bad?"
He laughed, "Oh yes it sucks. Let me tell you, it's annoying, but I like them anyway. "
She wrestled with herself, she wanted to ask more, and she wanted to believe his words, but he was drunk. Still, she couldn't help but melt. "Aw, that is sweet of you."
"I'm not sweet," he said with agitation, "I'm never sweet, take that back."
"Derek, it's time for you to face the truth, you're a sweetheart in disguise," she said softly.
"Oh yeah? would a sweetheart ask you the next question..."
"Ask what?" she was scared, terrified.
"Fuck anyone lately?" He asked it so point blank it took her a moment to absorb it.
She gasped, "De-rek!" she said faintly, "I should probably go and no I haven't, not since well, you."
He cursed, "I'm sorry, that was none of my business, I'm such an idiot. I was just making small talk, " he said defensively.
"Small talk?" she couldn't help but laugh, "Do I seem like that type of girl to just….you know, and pregnant?"
"I hope you're not, but it's been ages Case, and you may be all prim and proper but even you must have dark hidden fantasies. You know what they say, shy on the streets, sexy in the sheets," his voice became velvety, making her so hot and weak.
Did he just call her sexy? "Der, please…..that's not something I'm going to discuss with you, alright? I'm not looking to sleep around. And I should go."
Derek gasped, "Wait, Case-I'm sorry, you're mad at me?"
She was far from mad. "No, no of course not, don't be silly. Get some rest, please you're going to wish you never called me tomorrow."
"Fine, uh please call me more, I know I sound pathetic it's just-well it's the only thing normal in my life right now."
She wanted to cry, "Okay, I promise I will. I lo-" she broke off, what was she about to say? "I'll talk to you soon," she said quickly.
He sighed, "Night Spacey, I miss your face," and he hung up.
That was terrifying. He was drunk, she couldn't take anything he said seriously, but what scared her more was whatever she was about to say. She paced around her room, she didn't mean to be so disconnected from him, she was overwhelmed by her emotions. Robin's words went through her, she stared at her laptop and then sat down. It took her three days to put it together, she would pace, bite her nails anxiously, re read her words, changed the letter a million times until she was reading the most terrifying words. A mirror she wasn't prepared for.
Derek Venturi,
I have no other way to express this. I really admire you, you seem confident, strong, extremely sexy, and well you make my head spin. I don't mean to be so weird and off-putting, but I just needed you to know. You're hard to ignore, I think about you all the time. I've heard of your charisma, your love of laughing, and god, I'm sure you could charm a rock. How on earth could I have been immune if even rocks blush? I'm no match for it, I can't resist feeling so helplessly attracted to you. It's become so disorienting as if I'm in a state of fogginess all the time. I admit it, I'm attracted to you and wish I got a chance to set this attraction free.
Please forgive my cheesy lines, I'm a bit of a romantic. You have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen, like the glow of fire. They are truly magnificent, rare jewels of unmatched warmth. I imagine looking into your eyes is like drifting off into paradise. Your smile should come with a warning sign, because it makes my heart stop, makes me melt into oblivion. Believe me, I can talk for hours, but seeing your smile makes me speechless. You're simply nerve rattling. You possess a dark, magnetic, striking handsomeness that shocks me, you take my breath away.
Miles of distance stretch between us, and I miss you. I know, how could I miss something I never had? I see you playing, see you smiling, see you through a screen but I can't touch you. Looking at you isn't enough for me. I'm so sorry for creeping you out, who knows if you're even reading this. something tells me you're not much a reader, but I need you to know missing you has become so overwhelming. Minutes turn into hours, and I've never felt so tortured by time before in my entire life. I feel like a part of me is missing. If I relied on an oxygen tank, it would be down to the last drop, just barely holding on. I can't breathe until I see you.
Your Cliché Secret Admirer
Casey stared at it, and grabbed an envelope and a stamp. She printed his name out, she didn't want anything to give her away. She used Robin's address as the return address just in case he decided to write back. She walked all the way to the mailbox, took a deep breath and pushed it in. It already felt so much better. She kept her promise to him and called him more, he seemed to not remember that phone call, and well she was too embarrassed to remind him of it. The more she pondered, the more intense her feelings became. But she couldn't seem to hold back. She missed him, it was like an insistent burn that wouldn't go away.
The only relief was watching his games. Casey watched all his games on repeat, it felt necessary. One night she was dreamily watching him, when suddenly he got body checked aggressively by another player, and Derek's face crashed on the ice. She bolted up, feeling fear consume her as she saw blood all over the ice. She was suddenly screaming, "Derek!"
She watched with agony as the ref paused the game, and he got helped up. All she saw was blood streaming from his face, and everything in her broke at the sight. "Oh my god, oh my god, help him you, idiot!" She screamed desperately, no one was there to wipe away the blood. He just got taken off the rink, and she was scrambling, trying to call the coach.
No one picked up, and she paced around, waiting for him to come back to the game but he never did. No one mentioned if he was okay, or dying in a corner, and she got up sporadically and went to look for her passport, her keys, her purse. She called Derek, but there was no response, no doubt he was getting treated. Calm down, Casey, he's okay. Give him time to call back. She waited all night, and left several desperate messages, begging him to call her back.
Casey called Robin, she was frantic, the fear spreading violently. "Derek hurt himself, he was bleeding, I have to go to him."
"What? Casey breathe, he's probably okay if there was a true emergency you'd be contacted. You shouldn't fly being this stressed, just breathe."
Casey couldn't breathe. "How can you tell me to breathe? Derek fell, he hurt himself and he's all on his own. I've waited three hours, I can't wait any longer."
Robin sighed, "Casey. He's okay, I just don't want you to make yourself sick."
Casey snapped, "Well, clearly staying here will only make me feel sicker, I need to see him."
Casey took a cab, and bought a ticket to Vancouver. She checked her phone several times, and still no call from Derek. She checked in her luggage, and waited, she was terrified. The insidious feeling was making it difficult to breathe. She pulled out his itinerary, and found the hotel he was staying at. She didn't sleep all night while on the plane, she couldn't. Everything in her was in adrenaline mode. Somehow she made it to his hotel room, and she knocked desperately.
Derek opened the door, and the sight of him made her want to weep. He had a cracked lip, a gash on his temple, bruises and small cuts all over his face. He looked at her with shock, blinking rapidly as if to ensure it was really her. "Case-what are you doing here?"
Casey moved in without another word and reached for his face, gingerly touching it. She became angry suddenly. "Don't you ever answer your phone? I was worried sick, my goodness are you okay?" She inspected him closely.
He winced a little, but then smiled slowly. Even with his injuries, he made her breathless, "So I'm not on some hallucinating trip? They gave me some pain meds and I crashed. I can't believe it, you're actually here."
Casey nodded, "Yes I'm here, can't you tell by how angry and upset I am? Derek…..I told you not to be an idiot, to be safe, and now look at you." She moved in closer, looking at him wretchedly, seeing him beaten up like this made her heart ache.
He gently seized her shoulders, trying to get her to calm down. "I didn't plan to be body checked and flung to the ice on my face, I wasn't trying to be an idiot."
How could she stay mad at him, she couldn't. He was studying her closely, his eyes looked so rich and intense. "You shouldn't be here. You're supposed to be taking care of yourself, you can't just hop on a plane at this point in your pregnancy, what if there was an emergency? It was just a little fall, I'm fine, okay?"
Casey pulled his hand with defiance, and led him to the couch, "Yeah, well I had to come, couldn't just let you die!" she said dramatically, "Sit," she ordered.
He seemed resigned, and sighed with a little smile and sat down. She noticed him eyeing her bluntly. "You look nice...pregnancy is a good look for you," he murmured.
Casey blushed, "Thanks," god, the way he looked at her made her queasy. It had been weeks since she'd seen him, and now that the worry and anxiousness was melting away, that intensity came back to club her over the head. She needed to focus on taking care of him, that's why she came. Without another word she reached for the hotel phone.
"Yeah hi, my boyfriend has hurt his face can you send an ice pack, clean rags, water, and food please and if you could make it urgent I'd really appreciate it."
She hung up and when she looked at him, he was staring at her, a slow smirk went over his face. "Your boyfriend?"
Did she actually say that? Oh god. "Uh, did you want me to give the guy a whole summary of our history? I think not," she stammered. She avoided looking at him and got up to wait for his items to come. "So why didn't you call me?"
"I did call you, but your phone must have been on airplane mode."
Casey pulled out her phone, and looked at him with annoyance, but then realized she never turned it back on. "Oh."
Maybe she didn't want to wait to hear from him, maybe she just needed a reason to see him. When she got the ice, she wrapped it up and went back to sit by him, and shyly put it on his face.
Her hands softly grazed him, she studied his face. "It looks painful, you big baby," she laughed lightly.
Derek smirked, "I'm fine Case, believe me I have had worse wipe outs, no need to cry all over me, "he teased.
Casey rolled her eyes, smiled a little. "Derek just shut up, and let me take care of you, alright? You're vain, I know you would never want anything to happen to your face, you're quite cocky about your looks. If you don't let me treat it, who knows, you may look like an orc tomorrow, is that what you want?"
Casey felt fluttery, it seemed like she was just looking for any reason to touch him. He smiled charmingly. "Fine, can't have that. Go ahead, I guess my face is worth saving."
She laughed and they stared at each other. She softly grazed his face as she reapplied the towel, slowly moving it, and she was caught up in his molten gaze. "You scared me," she said at last, "I really thought you had broken your nose, lost your teeth, got a concussion. I couldn't think, I had to come. I'm sorry for dropping in on you this way."
He smiled, "Well, it's sweet of you to care. My coach basically told me to suck it up, and to not be such a little girl about it."
"God, he sounds so pleasant," she moved closer to him, inspecting the cuts on his face. "So you're having a winning streak, looks like you may not come home in a long time," she said a little sadly.
"Oh I'm sure I'll be back before you know it, so enjoy the peace and quiet while you can," he smirked.
Derek winced when she moved the ice to his mouth. She took it off, and moved closer, staring at his mouth. "Talk about a fat lip," she murmured softly.
"Yeah it's a little irritating," his breath caught as she softly touched it with the tip of her finger,
"Does it hurt when I touch it?" She asked thickly.
His eyes darkened, "No, I've lost all feeling, it's numb now," he said raggedly.
Casey felt heat go through her. She pulled back her finger, and tried to regain her composure. "Doesn't look too bad, but that gash," she said distractedly and slowly touched his face. She could see the tight stitches across it, "That looks so painful Der."
She suddenly realized how close she was to his face, how he was looking at her as if he was holding his breath. She gently stroked the gash, and stared into his eyes. Such beautiful eyes, so warm but at the same time there lived a dark vibrancy that was speckled with glints of charm, and unspent mischief. Her hands moved over him softly.
"Derek," she scanned his face, she couldn't understand how she could feel so attracted to him despite how grizzly he looked. Her fingers gently touched him, as if she could soothe away the pain. "I'm here for you," she sighed softly. His hands suddenly came up and seized her wrists, as if he was trying to stop her from touching him, and she froze. He was blushing, looking at her with a severe expression. Intensity vibrated between them. "Should I stop, am I hurting you?" She breathed.
Derek slowly dropped her hands and moved away brashly, looking away from her. "Fuck," he said with agitation, "Case, I've had many injuries back in my day, and you've never reacted this way before. This is nothing compared to the shattered clavicle I got that one time, or the gazillion sprained ankles. Chill, I'm fine, it doesn't even hurt. Just relax princess."
Casey hung her head. She felt instantly embarrassed, she made him uncomfortable, clearly. She always cared about him, always worried about him back then when he was hurt, but how could she have ever let him know that? He would have made fun of her, but anytime he was in any situation that could hurt him, it was as if she got the air knocked out of her. She had no control of it this time, and she obviously weirded him out.
Derek noticed her upset and sighed softly. "Case I'm not upset, it's cute that you care," he teased softly, trying to change the atmosphere, but she felt too embarrassed now. "It's just you're acting as if I got shot or something. I swear I'm fine, I'll be okay. Good news, I probably won't be this ugly forever."
Casey stared bitterly at the ground, and tried to smile. You're striking no matter what you look like, it doesn't' make me feel any less attracted to you. "Okay, I'm glad you are fine."
"I could really use one of your killer breakfasts though."
Casey smiled at him."Whatever you want, it's yours," and then the reminder that he had said those exact same words that night made her flustered, and he kind of just stopped. She could feel his gaze on her, got up without another word, and busily moved through the hotel room. Derek had a couple things in his cupboard, "I'll be back, please don't be an idiot again, okay?"
Derek smiled, and she didn't wait for him to say or do anything. She took a deep breath, and closed her eyes. The truth was, those words were honest, she couldn't think of anything she'd refuse to make him happy, but she needed to stop being so obvious. She didn't like feeling so defenseless.
Derek groaned the moment she left, if he hadn't pulled away from her, he wouldn't have given a damn about the pain he was in. He would have kissed her madly, probably taken it too far. Having her there seemed unreal, he missed her and she was the last person he expected to find when he opened that door, but it took him a moment to process it. She was standing there as beautiful as ever, suddenly yelling at him, touching his face, and he thought for sure he was seeing things, but she was as clear as day. You're here, god you're really here.
The past weeks were horrible, he spent too much time distracting himself by drinking, and going out with his hockey team. He literally had girls offer themselves wherever he went, which he turned away as if he was swatting flies. There was a time taking off with different women helped drown out for a moment what he felt for Casey, but now there was no swimming back, none of those women intrigued him in the slightest. Nothing took away that depression, except Casey. But even talking with her left him feeling upset. She was distant and quiet and it freaked him out.
He was not surprised he got injured, his game was on autopilot but his mind was just constantly thinking of her. When he left the hospital and checked the seven messages on his phone, he called her back. He didn't want her worried for one moment, but he truly didn't expect her to come, even more after the distant phone calls. Casey got on a plane impulsively, without any plan, and pregnant. It was so unlike her. The way she was so set on taking care of him made him trip up. He had to be careful, this was deadly intense, and he wasn't sure if she was doing any of that to make him braindead. It was just Casey being over protective, but this was way more than he was used to.
The fact he recognized Casey's "kiss me" face, killed his brain cells. He knew he'd hurt her feelings by his abruptness, but what else could he do? He just wanted to know what she felt, what was this? She liked kissing him, but was that all? If she'd give him any clue that she was actually starting to feel something for him, god he probably couldn't hold back. He loved her, that was undeniable, and because he did, he couldn't afford to slip up and mess everything up with her.
When she came back, she was in full task mode, cooking, and trying to get him to eat. He winced when he tried to chew, and she freaked out. She was on a guilt trip over not making something good enough. He laughed through the pain and downed her food because he just couldn't stand her looking so upset. At one point, she caught him rubbing his shoulder.
"What's wrong?"
He laughed dismissively, "My shoulder got a little bashed, no big deal."
Casey led him to the bed and ordered him to sit on it, "Take your shirt off." She sounded so professional about it and completely serious.
"Case…"
"Do you want me to do it for you, because I will. Don't test me Derek." Her eyes turned into slits of fire, and he sighed, taking his shirt off slowly. The moment he did she gasped.
He looked down, yup it got a lot uglier, it was heavily bruised, green, purple, but the doctor said there was no breakage. Casey left him abruptly, he could hear her on the phone talking to hotel staff. When she came back, she had a lotion in her hands. She sat down beside him, "Sit up Der," she murmured and he stared at her. Was she actually going to…..touch him?
He quickly tried to stop it, oh he was in hell, temptation hell. "I can put it on myself, you don't need to do it," he said quickly.
Casey ignored him, what's new? She was as stubborn as always, and slapped his hand away. She leaned closer and her scent attacked his senses. She put the lotion on her hand and leaned over him, her hair cascaded over his skin. Oh dear god, this was torture. She rubbed his shoulder gently. He grimaced, and she looked at him alertly as he took a ragged breath. It was painful, but what was more painful was having her so close and not being able to do anything. Her hand went back rubbing in enticing rotation.
She kept looking up at him, offering a shy smile and it made it worst. "You don't have to be tough," she teased, "It doesn't make you less manly if you shout or cry."
He chuckled nervously, "Uh yeah right, no way you're going to see me be a wimp about this, keep dreaming."
Her hands moved away from his shoulder, massaging his chest, going down as she noticed little bruises on other parts of his body, she was blushing, and he was sure he looked like a tomato, why was she doing this? Was she trying to torture him? Was she really that unaware to not notice how turned on he was? He closed his eyes, trying to get his breathing in check, trying to think of gross things, an outhouse, a bowl of worms, rats crawling around, anything to calm his excitement. It almost worked until he had the stupidity of opening his eyes. She was staring at him, stroking him near his waistband, there were no bruises there. She stopped as their gaze met, he couldn't smile, nothing, his whole body was trembling. And then she bit her lip, it was the last drop, it made him crazy and he reached for her hand, clasping it tightly. Casey stop, please I'm dying. I can't resist this much longer.
As if she read his mind, she pulled away awkwardly. "All done," she said faintly, "I think you'll be alright. Um, why don't I let you rest, I'll sleep on the suite couch." She handed him his shirt.
He put it on quickly, and he reached for her arm. "Case, you can stay here, um this is like an extra king size bed, you can sleep here but," he said awkwardly.
"I know," she answered quickly, "no cuddles, I get it. I wouldn't want to make you uncomfortable and you're clearly in a lot of pain."
This whole thing was driving him crazy, "Don't take it personally, I'm um happy you came, alright?" A little too much.
She smiled a little and then she went to get ready, heard her washing up, and he just prayed he wouldn't do anything stupid tonight.
When she came back she wordlessly laid down on the other side of him. She looked at everything but him, not that he could blame her. She must have noticed his reaction. They didn't speak for a few minutes, and then he smiled down at his lap, " So how long are you staying? As much as I am enjoying being nursed by you, you know you have to go back." He laughed, but there was no humour in that at all.
Casey looked a little annoyed, he wasn't trying to get her to leave, but it was clear it came across that way. "I guess tomorrow. I have an exam in two days, and I just abandoned everything in a drop of a hat. I can leave sooner if you want."
He reached for her arm, "No," he said quickly, "No rush, stay as long as you want, you must be exhausted. Have you slept at all?"
She shook her head, "Planes and pregnancy don't mix well, and well I was worried."
He once thought his heart was an ice block, but seeing her look so tired, and seeing everything she did to get here made him melt. He wanted to take care of her, hold her, let her sleep against him and it was so hard to stop those emotions.
"Hey," he said softly, "just because we can't cuddle when we go to sleep, doesn't mean I'd be opposed to um holding you now if you need it."
She smiled at him sweetly, "Are you sure?"
No. I don't trust myself with you, but I can't stand having you here and not have you close to me. "Case, I've been injured, stitched up, put on meds, and my accident was televised. A cuddle couldn't possibly hurt me more," he beckoned to her, and she moved into his outstretched arm, and leaned into him gently. He sighed with relief as he tucked her in closer.
"How are you? I can't believe I haven't asked once about the baby," he said suddenly.
She glanced up at him, "I don't know what he's doing, summer saults, playing soccer, or rolling around but he's been moving so much," she smiled, but then added, "I feel so huge already. Oh Derek being pregnant is no picnic, I've been having a hard time sleeping. I'm constantly running to the washroom."
He winked at her, "Kicking your bladder for sport, sounds like my kid."
She looked down and grazed her belly swiftly and grinned, "Well I've noticed….."
"What?"
She shrugged shyly, "He's active in general, but for some reason when you're around he goes crazy, he must recognize your voice."
He moved a little closer to her, "Really? You think he can actually hear me?"
Casey nodded, "There's research to suggest that they can hear voices, so I've been trying to talk to him a lot lately. Telling him about my day, but I guess I must be boring because two minutes with you and he's just freaking out. You're so going to be the fun one aren't you?" She gave him an accusing glare.
He laughed loudly, oh she was already being competitive, "I'm sure he likes you Case."
She rolled her eyes, "I'm the one carrying him, don't I deserve some extra kicks once in a while?"
He couldn't help but smile brightly, "I did tell him to take it easy on you, remember?"
He gently touched her bump, taking her by surprise, "Just testing your theory….." and she gave him a shy nod to continue.
"Hey buddy, let me tell you what happened, I was just playing hockey like the legend that I am, when I got knocked out and hurt my face, it sucked. I didn't want to be such a baby as to cry on tv, but I felt I was close to it," he chuckled as he felt him moving around, she wasn't kidding this kid was wild. "But when you're older you'll be able to find that footage and make fun of me all you want, I can't wait. Luckily for me, your mom came to see if I was okay, she's pretty cool, she may sound boring but she's…." he glanced at her and she smiled at him, "the funnest person I know, I like spending time with her, she makes me laugh, and trust me I'm a tough audience. Just give her time, and she'll become your favourite person in the entire world, she's definitely mine." As the words left without any effort, he looked at her again, she was just staring at him, and it wasn't until then he realized what he said.
"Is that….true?" she muttered under her breath "I'm your favourite person?"
He sat up slowly, she looked absolutely starstruck, he wrestled with himself. "Um yeah, I mean I know we fought all the time, but we also had fun right? And living with you hasn't entirely been a failure, clearly I like being around you. I wouldn't volunteer to live with you if I didn't…..you know like spending time with you."
She gave him the most dazzling smile, "Wow, I had no idea, you were quite secretive about it then. And yes…..I guess we always did have fun together, in the infuriating way, but still fun. I guess you're mine too."
They smiled at each other, the intensity blew up again, and so he made any excuse to get up, saying he needed to go to the washroom. He stood there for a moment trying to collect himself. He needed to be careful, he was saying stuff without thinking. He had spent years being able to control how he acted, what he said to her, and now it was just hard to stop it.
Casey spent the rest of the evening making a fuss all over him, and he just soaked it up like an injured bird. One day with Casey was just what he needed, having her there made him happy. She let him watch whatever he wanted, and the last thing he remembered was her telling him she was proud of him. When he woke up in the morning, he smiled. He moved close to her, wanted to hold her, but when he opened his eyes, she was not there. He sat up, rubbing his head, was that a dream? The hotel room looked tidy, and he saw a note on his nightstand.
Der, going back home, didn't want to wake you up. It was so nice seeing you, and I'm glad I saved your face, what would you have done without me? Please, be careful, you can't afford to be so reckless, you're a father now. Take Care.
-Casey
It was as if an angel had come to him in his time of need, and he wished she had woken him up, but if she had, he might have bailed and asked her to stay with him. Also it spared painfulness of saying goodbye again. Sleeping next to her honestly felt so good, the sheets still retained her vanilla scent. She came in his time of need despite there being risk for her. Oh Casey, you little daredevil, I love you.
Casey arrived back home in a fog. Oh she was losing it completely. She made it obvious so many times she was attracted to him, there was no way he didn't noticed her reaction to touching him. While It bothered her to seem him in pain, she couldn't contain feeling an intense drum in her entire body as she touched him. She kept telling herself she was being ridiculous, it wasn't the time or place to feel those lusty emotions, but she couldn't contain them. Oh, the feel of him, and she was intensely aware that he reacted to her, his breathing, the way he looked at her. Maybe he was attracted to her, and that made her nervous.
And then he went on to say she was his favourite person and that's when she knew, staying overnight was more than she could bear. She felt so conflicted, so agonized by their closeness that she decided to leave in the middle of the night. He was right there within her grasp, but yet so far. When he fell asleep, she moved in and hugged him, whispering, "You're such an idiot," she mumbled, "A cute idiot, but an idiot nonetheless, and I miss you. I just had to see you, but it's clear you don't need me. If I'm honest, I needed to take care of you for me because I missed you, but it only confused me more. Come home soon Derek." She looked at him as she waited for her cab, and wondered if he read her letters, at that point that's all she had left, the only connection to him.
That weekend she spent the entire time in bed, feeling so heart sick. She needed to write him again, her feelings had reached a height so excruciating she needed to release it.
Derek Venturi,
I admit I have lost my mind, no longer in control of anything I say or do anymore. Oh, I'm in trouble Derek. It's troubling how real you are to me, how much I long for you. I walk around in circles in my bedroom, thinking about you, and I have slept more than I ever have before, because dreaming of you is all I have right now. I hate waking up. It's a bitter reminder that I'm alone, and that I could never have you. Dreams of romance, dreams of kissing that dimple on your cheek, dreams of unimagined passion take over my mind and I never want to leave. And then I wake up to emptiness, to nothing but silence.
Something tells me your kisses are magic. Fantasies have a way of distorting reality, but I'm certain your kisses would be like poetry on my lips, like the sweetest honey, the richest pleasure. Steal my breath away, Derek. Liquify every thought, kiss me with ardour, with the passion only you can give. I just know no one else could ever measure up, no one could kiss me like I imagine you kissing me.
This feeling is like none other, it terrifies me, it feels like I'm running in circles. You have me spinning, have me living in perpetual desire for more. I tell myself it's just a crush, but oh it has to be the most insane one I've ever had. This crush throttles me, but I'm not sure I want it to go away. A crush that lingers on my every breath, a crush that surges through me without mercy or end in sight. A crush like no other that has the potential of making me lose everything to you. I could only dream that fate brings us together, and that you would feel the same for me, that I become your ultimate crush. Oh I'm such a dreamer, it's not even funny. I'm sorry.
Are you single? I'm sure you have miles of girls to choose from, and I'm jealous of all of them for being able to flirt with you, jealous of not being able to just say: "Hey handsome, I'm crazy about you, date me." I could never have that experience, cursed with knowing that could never be my reality. Admiring you from afar is all I've got, but I wish I could be free to say what I think instead of hiding behind these letters. I could never truly have you, and I know it. It hurts to want something so unattainable. This is my shot in the dark, hoping for just a chance to be with you. This is me saying, Derek Venturi, would you go on a date with me? Please.
Your Cliche Secret Admirer
Her letters were becoming too intense now, and with a heaviness she decided to end it. Clearly she was in love with him. That's what the letters revealed. She told him it was a crush, but no, she loved him, loved him intensely. Saying I love you through a letter from a stranger would be definitely strange, but oh she loved him. The fear she felt when he got hurt, the need to take care of him, the need to touch him, make him happy. The need to be in the same breath as him, the need to kiss him, to hold him, the need to have another night with him, not just once, but forever, eviscerated her. When did this happen? How? He just came in and took her heart without notice, she hated surprises, there was no warning it just hit her. I love you Derek.
She never expected to get any responses, but to her surprise he responded to the last letter. She trembled as she opened it, her heart beating out of her chest.
Dear Secret Admirer,
Wow. Thanks for the sweet words, you do sound like a romantic. And because I have a soft spot for romantics, I have to be honest with you. I hope you find everything you're looking for one day, but I cannot give you with you seek. While I've always dated around, and didn't care to play with people, I have realized that lifestyle was so empty and lame. I'm not that guy anymore, I've changed. I'm sure you've heard of my reputation by the sounds of how well you know me, but I hate it. You can only fake it for so long, and I faked it for the sake of my sanity. I have my eyes set on one girl, there are no miles of girls to choose from for me, there's only one. I'm taken. I couldn't possibly look anywhere else. I'm crazy about her, and I want her more than I want to win this trophy. For as long as I can remember, winning was all that mattered to me, being the best, being popular, but now none of that matters to me anymore. All I want is to be with her. My heart is hers. I know I sound pathetic, but I had to be honest. I'm completely unavailable. Sorry for hurting you, it wouldn't be fair to let you keep writing me. I seriously hope you find what you're looking for, but that guy is not me.
Derek Venturi
Casey stared at the letter; her heart was shaking uncontrollably. His words seeped into her. Derek never spoke this way to her, with complete honesty and for a moment she was jealous that he was telling some random stranger as far as he knew about his feelings, who was this guy? He had changed, and it melted her heart to find out he no longer wanted to be the cool guy. Either he blew this girl off by lying to her that he was in a relationship, proving he was holding back from dating, or he was actually interested in one girl. He wanted someone more than a trophy, and that made her flutter. God, who would have thought he could put together such beautiful sentences? Who was this girl? A welt of anxiety went through her imagining him pining for someone in secret to avoid breaking his promise to take care of her, and the agony that he may feel that way about someone was crushing the air out of her lungs. Was it Sally or….. everything in her screamed, me, please tell me it's me.
Derek had gotten many letters; it came with the job description it seemed. He read through them, with the hope that maybe Casey would mail him one, not that he thought she would. He was disappointed every time he opened one and it wasn't from her. Ah, the empty words of hundreds of girls calling him "hot" and seeing the words "Fuck me", over and over again made him want to scream.
There was one sender that wasn't as sexually forward, more poetic, more romantic sounding. Maybe in the past he would have made fun of them, they were so borderline stalkerish but after sitting through reading such pointless, soulless mail, it made him stop and actually take her words in. Something felt …off about them, as if it was an ex girlfriend. This girl was extremely poetic but also seemed to overthink and apologized for her thoughts too often. It made him think of Casey, she loved all that poetry stuff, was a romantic, and worried about everything. Maybe that's why he even took the time to set them aside.
He would have given anything for them to be from Casey. He missed her unbearably, especially after that one night visit. The last letter was so forward in asking if he was dating someone, and she did sound extremely jealous. When she said she was cursed, Casey came to mind. She said she was cursed with knowing she'd never have what she wanted.
It was alarming, strange, and that connection made him want to respond. Maybe he just wanted to set the record straight to someone out there in the world, that he was no longer that guy anymore, that he only wanted one girl. And if there was a chance this was Casey, he needed her to know he wasn't looking for anyone, that he was set on one person, and hopefully she could read between the lines. Please let it be you, Case. He wanted it to be her so badly he couldn't throw them out, he kept them as foolish hope. He was just ready to go home, needed to be with her again. He was done being a hockey star.
Two weeks later, they lost. He had never smiled so much in his entire life. He tried to look distraught for TV's sake, but the moment he was off the ice he was calling her, she was so excited and happy. He felt like he travelled the entire world. Derek just ramaged through his hotel, smiling to the point it hurt, he didn't lose, for the first time in his life he was a happy loser.
He'd been away for almost three months, and it felt so much longer. When he left Casey had passed 4 months, and now he was coming back to the 7 month mark, like what the hell, he missed so much of her pregnancy. It made him bitter and annoyed. But he'd just have to spoil her to make up for the time gone. As the plane landed, a thought terrorized him, how the hell was he going to play it with her now? He couldn't admit how he felt, not until she gave him a clear opening, no way was he going to screw everything up with a premature I love you. The problem was his stupid attraction to her would be his downfall, after missing her for so long having her there all the time again was bound to make him explode. He needed to avoid touching her too much, that was the only way to hide.
All strategic thoughts flew out of his mind as he saw her. She was waiting at the terminal with a giant You Are a Loser, but Still A Winner Derek sign. Never would he have thought being called a loser by Casey would cause him this much happiness. She was waving it around with a dazzling smile. She was just glowing. She moved quickly towards him, dear god, she was smiling at him as if he was a war hero or something. He knew he was smiling like a moron, but he couldn't help it.
They didn't say anything for a moment as they stared at each other. His heart was on overload, couldn't think of a damn word to say. Her hair was longer, her cheeks were flushed, and those eyes surged with intensity, his mind was just blank. Casey suddenly threw the sign to the ground and leapt towards him, diving into his arms and hugged him tightly. So much for not touching her, but he couldn't push her away. He crowded her closer, the feel of her against him was so intoxicating, he caught himself breathing in her scent.
When Casey pulled back, she smiled. "Hi loser," she poked his chest tauntingly.
He laughed, still completely on a strange high. "Wow, not even home one moment and you're already calling me names, fine if that's how you want to play... hi nerd," he shot back charmingly. He glanced over her body slowly, god she was beautiful. "You're so..."
She waved her hand, and looked down with embarrassment, "I know right, a hippo, a whale, a combination of both?"
He snickered. "Definitely both," he teased, and she just rolled her eyes. He felt bad immediately, she clearly felt insecure as she wrapped her jacket around herself.
Oh damn it, he couldn't hold back. "You make looking like a mutant look good, I promise. You are so cute."
Casey blushed, looking surprised by his sudden complement. "Cute?"
He laughed and reached for his stuff, "Yup, Lizzie was right,you do have the perfect um pregnancy body."
She wavered a little, "Just take a compliment Case," he said quickly. He tried not to stare as she clumsily picked up the sign and mumbled a thank you.
"So, I guess your quiet days are over, can't wait to torment you again," they started walking together, and he put his arm around her.
Casey squealed with excitement, all shyness disappearing instantly. "I wanted you to win, I swear, but does it make me pathetic for saying you were needed here?"
He grinned, "Nope, but I knew it. I knew you needed me." He couldn't believe it, he was flirting with Casey within moments of seeing her, oh he was in deep trouble.
Casey laughed lightly, and then nudged him playfully, "Well Emilio needs you too."
Derek stopped in his tracks and stared at her with alarm, thinking it was her new boyfriend or something. "Who the hell is Emilio?"
Casey moved in closer, leaning in to him as if she was going to tell him a secret, and with all seriousness said, "Your son."
Derek burst out laughing, he laughed so hard he was clutching his ribs. "Like hell that's my son's name, good thing I'm home, clearly you are out of your mind."
"Don't worry I have a long list," she assured while she stroked his forearm, and she giggled.
He smiled at her, she was funny, but the worst part was that was totally a name Casey would pick. Some romantic sounding name. And it made him want to kiss her so badly, he missed her adorable mind so much. "If Emilio's at the top of that list, then I'm terrified of the rest."
Casey's smile vanished a little as she looked at him, they were in the middle of baggage claim, yet he couldn't have noticed a soul around them. She moved in, her belly rested up against him, and she reached for his hand, she was trembling slightly. "It's good to have you back, um we missed you."
He squeezed her hand in response, and tugged her closer. He wanted to laugh, he had a plan just minutes ago and it got shot to hell. He was just acting like a fool, but he couldn't contain it, "I'm glad to be back, I missed you both. It's a good thing we didn't go on any longer because clearly you need to be examined, because really Case, Emilio? That's lame."
His gaze went over her face, she was staring at his mouth for a moment and quickly snapped back away from him, "Did you like my sign?" She walked towards the exit.
Derek followed her, "Only you could make an insult seem sweet. The leafs are notorious for sucking, but oh well maybe next year."
Casey beamed at him, "The games you won were pretty great, and you were, well, incredible."
"Thanks Case," oh, he was definitely screwed. "As fun as that was, I was ready to come back."
As they made their way out of the airport and drove back to their place, they were both quiet. It was a little awkward, but the moment they were back home she helped him unpack, and ordered food.
"You look tired, so let's just have a lazy day," she urged and he couldn't have wanted anything more.
They watched back to back movies eating, Casey had baked some treats. They sat together on the couch just idly talking, and he couldn't stop smiling. She leaned into him a lot, and the tension was killing him at times because she'd give him these intense looks, laugh at all his jokes which was unusual. Casey used to be much harder to impress, always called his jokes stupid or immature, but now she was just giggling and joking back all night. The sound of her laughter was addicting. Everything felt perfect, until she fell asleep curled up against him.
He gently scooped her up, took her to her bed, and he placed her down gently. He covered her up and all he could do was smile, he couldn't believe he was home. She was so beautiful, he sank down on the bed and just touched her face, he dreamt of her while he was gone, but those dreams didn't come close. He moved as if through a fog, his gaze was glued to her mouth. He couldn't stop himself, he was way over his head.
"Damn it, I suck at staying away from you," he needed to kiss her, it felt like he wouldn't be able to breathe without it.
Just one kiss, and he softly kissed her mouth, trying his best not to wake her up. He felt a hideous sensation, like he was no longer in control of anything anymore. He started to pull away, when her hands cupped his face, keeping him still. She was clearly still asleep, her voice was all garbled, "You keep doing this, you keep playing with me and I've had enough. I need you," and she kissed him.
Her arms came around him, pulling him down on her. He couldn't let this happen, he couldn't she was asleep, unaware of her actions, it was so wrong. They had made an unofficial decision not to kiss again and he broke that being back within the first day. He adjusted himself so he wouldn't crush her.
"Derek, kiss me," and her mouth captured him in a passionate kiss that numbed his brain. His heart was racing. He couldn't stop her, she kissed him ardently, so deliciously. He was so lost, and he responded viciously, kissing her more deeply. Her mouth tasted so sweet, so addictive . Fuck I want you. He couldn't gentle the kiss even if he tried, the kiss was combustible, her hands where in his hair gripping tightly. She moaned softly, the sound made him crazy. His hands went over her body with urgency, and died as he felt the smoothness of her skin against his fingers. The feel of her burned him. Everytime he tried pulling away, she would catch his lip, nibbling sensually. Her kisses were demanding and unapologetically sexy, so fucking hot. He kissed her over and over again, hardly taking a moment to breathe. And then he opened his eyes, and realized she was awake. Her eyes were a dark blue, startling colour and he moved back, but she gripped him hard against her, reaching for him with desperation.
"Please," Casey begged, she tugged at him cloyingly and he was too weak to resist her, too damn weak.
He ravished her mouth, the intensity was unlike anything he'd ever experienced. She pulled him in, grappled with him, as if she thought he would stop. He felt the electrifying feel of her hands going underneath his shirt, touching his skin with maddening strokes. He groaned, felt a dizzying shiver go through his entire body. He wanted her, wanted to remove the layers between them, touch her, make her crazy, and then lose himself in her. He was losing control quickly, he took her hands and pinned them behind her head, holding on tightly. He couldn't handle her touching him anymore, but he also couldn't stop kissing her. He kissed her face, her neck, her ear, whispering, "Case, you're so hot, so damn hot."
Casey blushed and bit her lip. "Not as hot as you," she moaned, and he smiled at her. She tried capturing his mouth, but he toyed with her, teasing her with tantalizing kisses just by her mouth, and she was getting frustrated.
"Derek, oh please stop that already, I will slap you," she said with agitation. He breathed against her mouth and smirked. Seeing that glare of passion was all it took, and he disappeared into madness as he returned to her trembling lips. He kissed her with bruising intensity. He wanted to devour her, and she opened up to him without any shyness, letting him get lost in the hotness of her mouth. He'd dreamt of this for months, but this surpassed every dream, she was simply delicious, the sweetest thing he'd ever tasted. His thumbs went over her wrists, grazing her pulse. She was gasping, trembling and felt her body rise into him with pleading movements. It felt too good, and he was losing it, her hands broke loose and she snaked her hands around him, holding him against her. And that was it, he reached his limit.
He broke the kiss with agony. He took deep breaths, watching her as if she were some unearthly being. Casey was breathing erratically, her eyes blazing with passion. Her mouth was swollen. He pulled away in slow degrees, and she smiled at him shyly. And then guilt took over, he peeled himself off her, turning away quickly. "Casey, I'm so sorry, this is all my fault. I kissed you when you didn't ask for it, and….god I'm sorry, that should have never happened." He needed to run out of there.
Casey got up after him, "Derek, please. I should have let you go when you pulled away, but I couldn't, please don't be so angry at yourself."
He couldn't look at her, he failed. He was supposed to be careful, and he was just not thinking. One kiss wouldn't be enough now, he was so screwed. "Case go back to sleep, please, I don't need you to lose sleep for me. "
Casey choked on a sob, he knew that sound by heart and froze, "I pushed too far, I'm sorry, please…don't leave this way, you know I couldn't take it."
Derek groaned, and looked back at her, taking steady breaths. Please don't look at me like that. "None of this was your fault, I kissed you while you were sleeping, and it was wrong of me. You didn't ask for it, and while yes you participated, I shouldn't have done it in the first place."
Casey moved closer, "Talk to me…..why did you? You can trust me."
He moved back away from her. Because I love you, I love you so much I can't control myself. "I don't know Case, just coming back today, I've been all over the place. I just got carried away. I meant for it to be like a quick kiss, but then it just…..blew up. Why did you kiss me back?"
She blushed, and looked away, "I can't help it, I like kissing you. I know I shouldn't but I do. And you just got back, it was an emotional day, I got carried away too. Please, can we just….put it behind us?"
He wished he could, " I don't want you to hate me for being such a pig."
Casey cornered him, looking at him softly, "Don't come any closer, don't do it," he snapped.
Casey was quiet, he was scared he was showing everything, all his feelings were out for her to see. "I could never hate you. Please don't feel bad, I'm not angry nor should you feel so guilty. Clearly, I wanted it too, that kind of um passion can't be faked , I'm not that good an actress."
He looked up alertly, she was blushing and so cute. "Kissing isn't a crime," she offered sweetly, "I know it makes this so complicated, and that we shouldn't be doing this but now I feel we're even. The first time I made the first move, the second time we both did, and now you impulsively did. Don't overthink it, please I'm fine. "
Derek didn't feel any better. Maybe she could control herself from now on, but he certainly couldn't anymore. Kissing her was bound to make him lose his head."It won't happen again, this time I'm saying it out loud. Clearly I like kissing you, and….maybe you like it too, but it just makes things so...difficult, and making out with you is a little intense. I shouldn't have done it."
Casey blushed, "Yes, I know. Believe me I understand. You're right, it is intense. I will try to hold back even though kissing you feels….so good, is it wrong of me to say that?"
Derek smiled weakly, "No, it's not but it certainly doesn't help with holding back. You're a killer kisser Casey, who would have thought preppy, goody-too-shoes you would be so good at that stuff? "
Casey laughed softly, "You have a knack for underestimating me, Der. When will you learn, I have a dangerous side."
Clearly.
She touched his arm softly. "We're good I promise. Please, wipe that frown off your face Der. For me?"
When he gave no reaction, Casey started being goofy, dancing, and making jokes. That was a side of her he hardly ever saw, the silly side of her. "Wow you're a tough audience."
Derek laughed, how could he not? She was incredible, funny, sweet, gorgeous, smart, a great kisser, she was everything anyone could ever want. All he wanted to know was what she felt, but he was stuck, like he couldn't get the words out. Why was it so difficult?
"Think of it as a welcome home kiss," she said after a moment, "You played amazingly and now you're back, you deserved a kiss, okay?"
He sighed deeply, "I don't deserve anything, but thanks for trying to cheer me up. I'll see you tomorrow, and um thanks for the welcome."
She looked at him longingly, her gaze went to his mouth again. This was madness, crazy madness.
"Night Der," she whispered, "I'm glad you're back."
He said goodnight and left, feeling a heaviness as he tried to go to sleep. What did he do? Clearly, he was unable to control himself, he was way too weak. He was in deep trouble.
Casey tried to sleep, but it was useless. Oh Derek, kissing you is the most amazing, most perfect thing. She was worried this would ruin everything from now on, he looked so guilty and upset. Oh, she wasn't sorry, that kiss was life, passion, the epitome of desire. He made her touch heaven for one moment. Oh I love you, I love you so much , I'm crazy for you.
She thought of his letter, if there was truth in it and he kissed her, not only kissed her, he gave her the most heart bursting kiss ever, did that mean…maybe he did feel something for her? A shudder of hope went through her, and she didn't want to get caught up in it, but she pulled it out of her nightstand. I want her more than I want this trophy. If there was truth to that letter, he wouldn't kiss her if he wanted someone else, would he? Her mind was on overdrive, she hated over thinking. It could be as simple as he hasn't been physical with anyone for a long time, and he was doing what came natural to him. Ugh, her mind was a storm now. The mystery of that letter would hover her always, was there any truth? She was terrified of asking him, so she'd keep that little hope for herself, what was the harm in that? He was home, and she felt alive once more.
Author's Note: Hi everyone :) thank you for your continued support. This chapter was important and Casey discovering her feelings was the main focus. I loved writing the mutual pining so much, I hope you enjoyed this. As a romance lover, I couldn't not include a letter sequence. Now that Derek is back, there's no way things could stay the same as before he left, they both love each other so much, but clearly right now they are both trying to figure out the other and there is fear associated because if one makes a move the other doesn't feel, then it could wreck everything. So please be patient :) Again I must state this story will be long, but the next few chapters things will pick up :) Thank you for following this story, please let me know any thoughts below!
PS, If you don't know already, I'm working on an AU Dasey story where Derek is Casey's boss, just for fun and because I thought it would be fun to try something different, please check it out, it's called Unattainable Passion. 3 Working on two completely different fics has been so much fun for me, so if you like my writing style, give it a try :) THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONTINUED SUPPORT.