Surprise update because of Thanksgiving here in the US!
This is a long chapter so I do hope you will bear with me through it. You'll see what it's so long soon. It was my favorite chapter to write so I hope you'll stick through it!
Some of the jokes are credited to incorrect_damie on Twitter!
When Jamie woke up the next morning, the first thing she noticed was that the bed felt more cold than normal. She opened her eyes to an empty place beside her where Dani should be. Her gut sank and her heart cracked in two.
"No, no, no," Jamie bathroom was empty, the kitchen, the study, the whole house was empty save for the two children. She stood in the kitchen, the cold floor seeping through her socks. Snow was falling outside the window. It was usually one of her favorite things, snowfalls, but this time, she could barely see through the grief that was settling into the floorboards and the window panes and the house where Dani still existed everywhere.
She was at the stove, making coffee. At the dishwasher, unloading dishes. At the island, reading aloud the newspaper. At the table, helping the kids with homework. In the living room, reading on the couch. She was everywhere and nowhere at the same time. What a wonderful, horrible, suffocating feeling.
The clock on the stove flashed four a.m. and reminded Jamie that there was no time for grief yet. Owen would be waiting at the airport soon. So, she held herself together. She zipped her pain, her screams, her emptiness up inside her until she had time to feel all of it. Now was not that time.
Jamie woke up the kids. They were groggy so she helped them put on warm clothes. She loaded them into the car, hoping they would sleep for the drive. Of course, they did not. She thought maybe the darkness would hide her tears. When she drove under streetlights, her face was illuminated and after a bit she caught Flora watching her in the rearview mirror.
The first time Jamie saw Dani was from all the way across the grounds. From the corner of her eye, Jamie caught a glimpse of a person traipsing through the woods with a backpack. She dropped her gloves onto the ground and stood up to yell at the trespasser to get off the property. When she saw it was a woman about her age, she paused. It was the new au pair, she was sure of it, but she couldn't get herself to look away. Just like she couldn't get herself to look away from Rebecca Jessel's body in the lake.
She was colder than she normally was that day when she walked into the kitchen for lunch and saw the new girl sitting there. But when she looked at the blonde, she saw Rebecca and remembered all the loss she had experienced in her life. She remembered how much energy she had poured into Rebecca, a sweet soul who deserved so much better, only to have it overshadowed by everything Peter fucking Quint exuded. Still, as Dani recounted her experience with the man on the parapet, Jamie got lost wondering where she knew the girl from. It was an odd feeling, really. There was no way the two could have met before, yet she couldn't brush the feeling off.
Over the next couple weeks, Jamie caught herself staring at the au pair more times than she would have cared to admit. There was something magnetic about the girl. The sadness inside her slipped from every piece of her, yet even as it did so, she was breathing happiness back into the walls of Bly Manor. A few times, Dani would mention some mysterious fiance. Everyday, Jamie would search Dani's hand for a ring, analyze every sentence for hints, but she found nothing except old stories. He 'was' an engineer, he 'used' to watch Star Wars. Jaime had so many questions she wanted to ask the au pair, but she remembered Rebecca and remembered that she was so exhausted of pouring care into someone just to have it wasted for one reason or another. Even she, hurt and broken with a vow to protect herself, couldn't walk away from the au pair when she came upon her mid panic attack, though. And as she called Dani 'Poppins' for the first time, she knew she had opened something up she would have to close. Her heart couldn't take any more loss, she barely had enough love left for herself.
So, when she found that Miles had ripped apart her garden, she didn't shy away from her feelings for the sake of making a good impression on the au pair. Jamie had always been a bit of an angry person. When people saw it, they usually made up a story in their mind about who she was at her core and ran as far away as possible. But, then, Dani stared her down. She listened and she honored Jamie's feelings. Not once did she blink or stumble back or let fear flash through her eyes. She just listened. And then she brought Miles in to fix the damage he'd done, just as she promised.
The gardener drove herself home that night trying not to think about the au pair. There was too much room to get hurt. Too much room for her to try and help Dani only to dry up her own well that she needed to grieve for all the people she'd lost in the past year and a half. Too much room for her heart to get mixed up in the way Dani quietly reminded Miles and Flora who they were.
"Don't fall for the straight girl again," Jamie repeated to herself over and over.
She had just managed to get the woman out of her mind when Hannah called. Apparently Dani had seen Peter Quint in the window. The idea of Peter back on the property itself stirred up so much anger inside Jamie. She remembered how Rebecca, her friend, had been so broken by him and her gut clenched. She thought about him getting so close to Dani and she knew she was going to break out that rifle first chance she got. And, when she ran into Dani while searching the grounds for him, she was glad she did. That way, she would be there to keep him from ever touching her.
She wanted to stay the night because of that magnetic energy she felt whenever the au pair was in the room. It was the energy that kept her sneaking glances and wanting to be close to her, to get to know her. It was a dangerous feeling, especially for someone who likes girls to have for a girl who likes boys– and one with a possible fiance at that. If it was that alone, Jamie would have made herself go home. She stayed that night because Owen stayed and because Flora was excited at the prospect of a sleepover– that's what she told herself.
The fire crackled as the kids slept inside a circle of people that cared about them. They talked quietly about Peter Quint, Rebecca Jessel, and their lives. As Owen and Hannah tended to do, they eventually drifted off into a world of themselves. Dani took the opportunity to slide into the empty space next to Jamie on the couch. She had to remind herself that Dani was just looking for company so she made some jokes about Dani fancying Owen to remind herself this wasn't the person to pour herself into.
Dani produced a polaroid photo of Peter and Rebecca and Jaime had to pull her gaze elsewhere. There weren't any photos of Rebecca besides the polaroids Dani found so it was the first time Jamie had seen her friend since the day she was floating in the lake. She didn't know why she did it, but the gardener released all the things she had spent so many nights thinking about ever since Rebecca died.
"The wrong kind of love can fuck you up, follow you, make you do some really stupid shit," Jamie told Dani. What she didn't say was how she had been in that kind of love, years before, with the woman who had gotten her into drugs. What she didn't say was how that kind of love landed her locked up. What she didn't tell Dani was that all these things she was whispering into existence were the things she wished she could tell her younger self, too.
"People do, don't they?" Dani asked. "Mix up love and possession."
Jamie nodded, holding eye contact with Dani, "Yeah, they do."
"I don't think that should be possible. I mean, they're opposites, really. Love and ownership," Dani continued.
It threw Jamie. It was almost as if Dani was speaking directly to Jamie's pain, with Rebecca's death and with her own past. "Yeah," Jamie answered. The eye contact continued and something inside Jamie stirred. Somehow, by accident, Jamie had let down her guard and let the au pair in. Somehow, she wasn't very upset about it.
The small glances she found herself sending Dani's way increased in frequency the next day. Her mind couldn't seem to leave the idea of the au pair behind. Occasionally, Dani would meet her gaze and hold it. When the au pair looked away, Jamie's eyes stayed on her. She was searching the woman for something, anything, really. Maybe answers to her own questions or maybe answers to questions she hadn't thought of just to get to know the girl. Her thoughts were consumed with a battle against herself. She knew, as she had been telling herself for so long, that if she opened up to this woman she was going to end up hurt, just like she was with Rebecca and just like she was with most every other person in her life. Yet, some voice inside her told her to do it anyway.
The next night as Jamie and Dani watched Hannah send Owen off after the news about his mother, she was acutely aware of the space between her and Dani. There wasn't much of it. Her mind was split, though. She'd only met Owen's mum a handful of times and every one of them the woman wasn't lucid. Still, there had been enough loss in her life recently that it deepened the pit of grief inside of her. So even though she knew Dani was there, next to her, she couldn't think much of it until Dani began to walk with the gardener to her truck. She didn't know if the signs she was getting from Dani were there or if her guard was so down she couldn't think straight.
"I'm so glad you stayed," Dani said.
Jamie looked at the woman next to her who was keeping up with her every step. "I am, too," she said, cautious. They reached her truck so Jamie turned to face Dani, compelled by whatever force kept pulling her closer to the au pair no matter how many times she tried to pull away. What was she hoping for here? Jamie asked herself. The two held eye contact for what seemed like forever and she started to feel doubt, disappointment, confusion seep into her. She didn't know what she was waiting for or what she expected Dani to do, she just knew she was setting herself up to be hurt. Again. Then, just as she was about to turn for the door, Dani grabbed her hand. It wasn't just a friendly, comforting hold. Dani was really holding it, willing whatever it was she wasn't able to say to pass into Jamie's understanding. As quickly as it happened, it ended. "Who the hell knew?" Jamie whispered.
Maybe the question was for Dani's quiet confession. Maybe it was for Jamie's realization that something in her was good enough, lucky enough, to be recognized by Dani in that way.
When Jamie got home that night, so much of the pain that had settled into her bones over time started to break out. She closed her front door behind her and screamed. Sobs erupted out of her and she thought she was going to drown in tears, fill her whole place up until she could no longer breathe.
As much as Jamie cried over frustration or joy, she rarely let herself cry from the pain buried inside of never cried for Charlotte and Dominic. She never cried for Rebecca Jessel. She never cried when she watched Miles and Flora close off from the world, shut it out behind the safety of the manor. She never cried. Until tonight.
So much pain scorched her body then. It was the only thing she could feel. Every nerve ending beat against her. Every part of her, physical and mental, ached with a hurt she had never felt before. It was like she was finally grieving every painful thing in her life she had ever experienced.
Jamie stumbled into her bathroom and threw herself into the shower, clothes and all. The water poured over her and her tears subsided, but her hyperventilating never did. It got worse and worse until the anxiety inside her sent her dry-heaving.
The anxious nausea and all-encompassing sadness continued on for two days so Jamie called out of work. Both times, she called early in the morning when she knew only Hannah would be up because she didn't want to talk to Dani feeling like that. Still, she knew that Dani had taken a risk, if small, that night. Jamie wasn't entirely sure how she felt, though she knew she was intrigued, and if she wanted to see where it could go then she had to meet Dani where she was at. And, since it was clear Dani was still growing into herself, meeting her where she was at would take a bit more effort from Jamie to make sureit was clear.
So, after her second day off and the night before Owen's mum's funeral, Jamie called the manor and offered to pick up Dani the next day for the memorial. It was subtle, but both knew that Jamie was actually inconveniencing herself to spend a few minutes with Dani.
The next afternoon, Jamie joined Dani in her bedroom.
"You look," Dani started. She stopped as she looked Jamie up and down, unable to take her eyes off the gardener.
Jamie, a bit tired from the past two days and nervous being around Dani, still managed a few butterflies. "I can scrub up when I need to," she said, and closed the door so it was just the two of them. It was clear from talking to Dani for a few minutes that something wasn't sitting well with the au pair. She was always struggling, but this was different. Something about this funeral had Dani reeling. When Jamie told Dani she didn't have to go, the amount of relief that visibly washed over her told Jamie a bit more about the au pair's sadness.
"I had a funeral in my own life not so long ago and I feel like this is, um," Dani trailed off.
Jamie stepped closer, "Hey, Poppins. It's your day off. I promise, I don't need you to be my date to Owen's mum's funeral."
Even through the sadness, a smile broke out on Dani's face at the word 'date'. That was about as obvious as Jamie could get and it was clear Dani caught it. "Then, can you help me get this thing off?"
"Blimey," Jamie said, sarcastic, and cleared her throat.
Dani laughed a bit, "No, seriously. The zipper." She turned around and Jamie gently pulled the zipper down. Just as her hand brushed against Dani's back, the au pair gasped and moved from Jamie's touch.
"Did I pinch you?" Jamie asked, surprised.
"No, I'm sorry," Dani said, but didn't offer much of an explanation.
Jamie didn't know what to make of it, didn't know if she should think into it too much. The other woman was jumpy, hurting, and new to the idea of being close to another woman. It could be so many things that had nothing to do with her. "Alright, well, I'll be back in a few hours and if I find out you've not been relaxing, there will be serious consequences." The two laughed together and held eye contact even as Jamie left the room.
The funeral was no different than others, but Jamie could tell this one was hollow. So many people were saying things without saying things. Nothing was genuine because they didn't know how to speak to the way Owen's mum's life had ended. She tried to focus, Jamie did, but the whole time she thought about her hands pulling the zipper down Dani's back, the way Dani had laughed at her slightly dirty joke.
She snuck out early and found her way back to the manor. Everyone was in the kitchen cooking together so she joined and pulled a seat around. She described the whole event to those in the room before falling into a bit of a morbid spiral. As she pulled her earrings off, she caught sight of Dani staring at her. Just staring. Jamie met her eye contact and couldn't help the small smile over her lips. A matching one appeared on Dani's face just as the au pair turned to wash the potatoes she had been peeling.
Jamie sipped her cup of tea, feeling the emotions she had been drowning in the past couple of days wash over her again. A gasp from Dani, just like the one from that afternoon, pulled her out of it and the strainer clamored into the sink.
"Poppins, you alright?" Jamie asked. Dani excused herself from the kitchen, avoiding eye contact with the gardener as she went. That one was harder to explain away for Jamie, but she didn't have much time to ponder it because the sound of someone running and Owen crying out in surprise echoed from the hallway. Jamie followed it. At the front door, Owen stood outside with Dani pointing a poker at him. "What happened?"
"I thought he was Peter Quint," Dani cried, still panicked.
Owen stepped inside and closed the door. "Which is ridiculous. I'm much better looking."
Jamie reached a hand out to Dani's back and the other one to take the poker. "Stand down, Poppins." It was hard to ignore the signs that Dani was clearly struggling, be it with whatever feelings she had for Jamie or whatever funeral she had been to recently. Jamie watched Dani head upstairs, worried for the woman. She didn't realize that the worry in her heart was the exact thing she fought against the past six months.
Dani eventually found her way back downstairs for dinner. Jamie could feel the au pair staring at her as she poured wine, but it was different. It was like something about the way Jamie captured her attention was channeling more sadness into the room. When Flora spoke to Owen's pain, Jamie caught sight of the way Dani leaned closer and closer to the young girl, absorbing every word. She found herself wondering, once again, who was it Dani had lost that broke her this much. As her mind held onto the source of Dani's pain, their subtle interactions, and her own confused feelings, she almost missed Miles's outburst at the table.
Suddenly, Dani was on her feet, pointing at the door and staring Miles down. No one had ever disciplined Miles or Flora that way, really in any way since most people, like Hannah, pitied them into passes for whatever bad behaviors they engaged in. It had always irked Jamie, who was frequently getting the short end of the stick for their mischief. Seeing someone actually hold them accountable was nice. Seeing Dani be that person took her breath away. It was kind of hot, if she was being honest with herself.
Later that night, sitting in front of the bonfire in silence, Jamie again felt the pain surface. Bonfires have this uncanny talent for igniting whatever turmoil hides inside a person. She shared the history of bonfires, with Owen casually stealing the last bit of her thunder, of course. Then, without really asking the group, she opened up a space to pour their shadows into. She was so tired of carrying around the grief for so many people. So tired that it had become a sickness that enveloped her the last two days. By the faces of those around the fire, she could tell she wasn't alone in that.
Hannah spoke to Rebecca. As the grief fell into the crackling flames, burned before them, Jamie felt some of her nausea fade away. She stood and spoke to Charlotte and Dominic. Her own feelings were still too mixed up inside of her to put into words so she focused on Miles's and Flora's pain. Somewhere along her burning shadows, the nausea faded even more and her mind, now freed up, did what it did best it seemed those days. It travelled back to Dani.
"But, here's Dani Clayton. She's a bit of a weirdo, but she's a lot stronger than she thinks. If anyone can bring Miles and Flora back to themselves, she can. I'm glad she's here. I think they would be, too." Jamie raised her bottle and took a swig. "What about you, Poppins?"
Dani shook her head, "Oh. No, thank you." Jamie would be lying if she said she wasn't a bit disappointed, but it was Dani's pain to hold onto or to let go of. She couldn't wrap herself up into taking it from Dani herself.
She listened, quietly, as Owen dropped the shadows of his mum into the bonfire. Whatever remaining thing inside of her felt sick was absorbed by the fire and she drank with her friend to his mum. He took a seat beside Hannah who offered him whispered affirmations and they fell into their own world.
Jamie reached over from the log she was perched on and placed her hand on Dani's knee. "Let's take a walk, yeah?" Her thumb rubbed small circles on the au pair's leg. The two gathered up their blankets and their wine and stumbled through the dark pathways to the greenhouse just off the lake. It was Jamie's favorite spot on the grounds. No one went there anymore, not after Rebecca had died, so she covered it with her own plants and stole quiet moments there on hard days. They curled up next to each other on a small loveseat and spread the blankets over both of them. Jamie's leg rested against Dani's underneath. Dani took a large drink out of the bottle. "I'm not going to ask if you're alright, because I don't like being lied to. So what's wrong?"
"Thought I saw Peter Quint," Dani said.
"But it wasn't."
"No, of course not." Dani's voice shook. It seemed the bonfire had stirred more inside of her than she had cared to admit a few minutes ago. "It's not the first time I've seen things that aren't there."
Jamie knew she should be more concerned than she felt, but she couldn't bother feeling anything more than relieved that she was finally scratching the surface with the girl whose pain was drowning her. "So what else?"
"I guess I," Dani paused and set her wine bottle down onto the ground. "I told you about my fiance earlier, didn't I?"
"You did, yeah," Jamie adjusted in her seat until their legs were no longer touching. Something about knowing so much of this pain that held Dani back from her was grounded in this mysterious man she was engaged to confused the hell out of Jamie. She'd wasted too much time on too many women who didn't know what they wanted. "I was hoping we would get around to that one."
"We were engaged and he died," Dani admitted. Jamie's stomach fell, shocked by the words she wasn't expecting to hear, and she stopped turning herself away from the au pair, stopped closing herself off from the au pair. "He died and sometimes I see him. I've never told anybody that."
Jamie leaned back closer, "I'm so, so sorry."
"We were about to break up. I'd broken… We had broken up, I guess, right before." She looked at Jamie with tears in her eyes. "I mean, right before."
"Jesus, Dani, the same day?"
Dani nodded, "Yeah."
The gardener didn't know where to go with this. Seeing Dani in so much pain hurt her, but not because it confused her. It hurt her because she wanted to take it away from this amazing woman who deserved so much more than being stuck in this. She didn't know if she believed it was real, it would be hard for anyone to believe that, but she knew that for Dani it was real. Just like Dani had stared down her anger, Jamie stared down Dani's grief. "Is he here now?"
Dani looked around the patio. "No."
"Good, because, you know, I'll sort him out for you if I have to. Oi, dead boyfriend. Give it up, mate. It's over," Jamie called over her shoulder. Dani smiled and almost let out a small laugh. With a bit lighter of a mood coming from Dani, Jamie pulled herself closer to the girl. "Seriously, Poppins. How are you still standing?"
Dani whispered, "Do you think I'm crazy?"
"I think you're surprisingly sane, considering." Jamie sighed. So much was going through her head. She thought of her own loss. She thought of the feeling of guilt when she came out at sixteen and the confusion that followed. She could only imagine what kind of guilt Dani could be carrying. "Look, I know what it feels like. It feels like you can't find–." Dani cut her off with a kiss. It took Jamie by surprise, how bold the move was. But, she gave into it, craving it just as much. Her hand slid under Dani's hair and behind her ear, holding her close. "Are you sure?"
"Yes," Dani said after a momentary survey of the room over Jamie's shoulder.
Jamie couldn't contain the smile as she pulled Dani back to her. "Thank fuck," she whispered, barely audible. It felt so right to kiss her. It felt like two magnets, the two of them, had been pulled together and they fit perfectly against each other. Then, just as Jamie got lost in the moment, Dani gasped and pulled herself all the way across the loveseat. "Okay," Jamie said. "Right." She was so mad that she had slipped into the moment, so mad she let herself fill up with hope. This was what she spent so much energy running from and she had fallen back into her own trap. But, no part of her was mad at Dani.
"I don't know what to say," Dani forced out over fast breaths. The part of her still touching Jamie was shaking.
"Just forget about it," Jamie shook her head and started to gather up her blanket. "It's my fault, I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
Dani whimpered, "Jamie?"
"You were just telling me, literally telling me, that you weren't up for this," Jamie faced away from Dani and wiped her mouth. She felt Dani's hands on her back, trying to bring her back, but she brushed her off. "Let's get back. Another night maybe. Another time, maybe."
She trudged off and pulled a drunk Owen from his spot beside the fire. She didn't care he was talking to Hannah, she just wanted to go home. Before she left, she looked over her shoulder at Dani. "It's all good," she said, but she knew it wasn't.
The next morning, Jamie called Hannah and asked for a week off. She hung up the phone, drew her blinds to block out the sunlight and sat with her thoughts and a case of beer. It was her usual response to opening up to someone and then having them leave, in one way or another. This time, though, she let herself cry.
So, Jamie cried. Jamie drank. Jamie read. Jamie listened to music. And Jamie cried. Four days went by and she didn't feel any better. Nothing she could tell herself, or shame herself into, could make Jamie give up on Dani. And then, the gardener found herself wondering why she gave up on anyone. That thought consumed her for another two days. Flora had said loss hurts because you're alive.
It was a daunting question to take head on, but Jamie decided if anyone deserved to not be given up on, it was Dani. She would start with Dani. And, on Thursday, Jamie showed up to her first day back at work ready to handle it the old fashioned way. She was going to feel it until it didn't hurt anymore.
Melancholy hung in the air of the greenhouse around her. It dripped with the morning dew and settled in with the morning fog. Same as the days leading up to this, no plant, nor task, nor thought could keep her mind off Dani. Dani, the girl who took her breath away and then left with all the oxygen in Jamie's lungs. She was still gasping for air.
A light rap on the greenhouse window pulled her attention, but she knew who it was. She looked anyway and her heart pounded with ache. "Don't usually see you this early in the A.M.." Her voice was void of any flirtatious humor that it once held.
Dani stood in the doorway holding two mugs. "Yeah, well, I know that you start early on Thursdays. So, I thought I would bring you some coffee."
"You Yanks and your coffee," Jamie said. She tried to give life to her words, but it was all she could do to say anything.
Dani held it out. "You might like it."
Jamie gave in and took the mug from her. "Cheers." Where she would normally hold Dani's gaze, Jamie just stared at the ground. She had hoped she would have a few more hours to herself before she had to see Dani.
"Cheers," Dani said. They both took sips. Before Jamie could swallow hers, she was overwhelmed by what she was tasting. Somehow, the coffee was too bitter and too watery all at once. Truly an accomplishment for Dani. "Yeah, I'm not the best at coffee either."
"How's your week been?" Jamie asked. Dani had slowly moved closer and closer to her and she was starting to feel trapped by her sadness.
"It's been okay. The kids have been a little strange lately. Everything's been a bit strange, really. And no Owen. And no you." Dani paused, but all Jamie could offer in return was a sniff. She wasn't intentionally brushing the au pair off, not like she had the first day. She just couldn't speak over the intense ache inside of her. "I seem to see less and less of Hannah. She just goes out, I guess, by herself. Sometimes I just turn around and she's gone."
Jamie kept patting down the soil in the plant she was channeling her energy into. "Sometimes people just need to be alone." It seemed like Dani caught up and her mood shifted. Maybe she realized Jamie was acting weird or the comment made her wonder why Jamie had taken the time off in the first place. The shift in Dani made Jamie pause as she thought the whole thing over. "Did you wake up just for this?"
"No," Dani insisted.
"You were just waiting for me to come back?" Jamie asked. Her tone was unwelcoming and the confusion in her stirred. Here was the sweet, amazing girl who, for a short time at least, seemed truly interested in her. Then when Jamie finally opened up, Dani started pulling back further and further. It seemed so clear to Jamie that Dani wasn't ready, too sad to be ready. Then here she was, more confident than she had been before in any of her interactions with Jamie. She didn't know what to make of it and the tug of hope just hurt her more.
"I knew that you were coming back today, but no, no particular reason," Dani said.
Jamie nodded. "Are the kids awake?"
"No, they're asleep."
"So you just got up with the sun and you're tiptoeing around the kitchen making awful coffee by yourself just to come say hi at six in the morning for no particular reason?" Jamie paused, trying to decide if she wanted to say what she was thinking knowing what it could do. But, she had to give Dani credit. "Poppins, you flirt." For the first time, a smile graced Jamie's face, and a flirtatious one at that.
Dani returned to Jamie's side. "Fine, I don't like the way we left it."
And there it was. The question Jamie had been wanting to ask, to yell, to beg an answer for. Some piece of her knew that this would tell her where she stood with Dani so, not sure she would want to hear what the au pair had to say, she pushed herself to ask anyway. "And how did we leave it?"
"Wrong," Dani said. "And I wanted to start doing something right so I thought I'd start with coffee."
There, inside Jamie, the flicker of hope relit. Before Dani, she wouldn't have stayed around this long or given as many chances as she did. So if she was going to do this, to give Dani one last chance, she needed to know Dani was really ready for it. "You sure about that? Because every time I think you might be sure, you've got this irritating habit of jumping back like you've just seen a scary bug." Again, she turned her back to Dani and busied herself with another plant. "Maybe that's best, really. I like you, but I also like my life the way it is. Nice and boring."
Dani chuckled, "Yeah, I wouldn't want to disrupt that." She paused, and then continued in a very poorly done English accent. "Gotta keep things proper boring, haven't we?" Jamie couldn't contain the quiet giggle she released at the attempt. "Look there's a pub in Bly, right?"
"There is," Jamie said.
"Would you wanna get a drink? Away from the house, away from all this. That could be kind of boring, right?"
Jamie looked at Dani. "Could be dreadfully boring."
"Kay, so I could ask Hannah to watch the kids one night. Then you and me can get a boring old drink in a boring old pub and see where that takes us." Dani invited.
Jamie searched the au pair's face for any hint of fear or doubt. Hurt still lingered in the gardener, but here was Dani, happy, confident, asking her out on a date. Not in a million years did Jamie expect Dani to be ready to go out with her, let alone be the one to ask. She took a deep breath and felt her lungs fill with air. "You know I live above that pub, right? Told you that already, didn't I?" Not only was Dani standing in front of her, asking her out, the same Dani was hinting at something more than a goodnight kiss. "Got a little flat right above the boring little pub." The smile that spread across Dani's face brought the butterflies back to life inside of Jamie.
Dani's face fell as she looked over Jamie's shoulder. At first, Jamie began to curse herself in her head for actually believing Dani, but then, she heard her call out Flora's name. She turned around and saw what Dani had seen. The young girl, at six in the morning, was walking across the yard and directly for the lake. The au pair took off running and Jamie dropped her gloves to follow after.
Flora was groggy and disoriented when the two women finally got to her. She could barely answer Dani's questions before she collapsed to the ground, unconscious. Dani was so scared she froze, unsure what to do so Jamie picked the child up in her arms and led the way back to Flora's bedroom. The girl was out longer than someone should be, but Dani distracted herself by changing her out of the wet pajamas.
The doctor agreed she was okay so they let her sleep and Jamie went on with her daily chores. A muted excitement took over the space that had been full of heartache just that morning. Sometimes, she would feel an uncontrollable smile pass her lips and sometimes she would feel tears push against her eyes. Jamie was grateful that the whole Flora thing took Dani away for the day. It gave her time to think.
That night, as Jamie drove away after dinner, her mind got back around to thinking about drinks with Dani. She was normally impatient and she wished she could get it over with. Not to wipe her hands and be done, but so she didn't spend anymore time overanalyzing how much to trust Dani. She just wanted an answer. So, Jamie turned around and went back.
In the kitchen, Hannah and Owen sat across from each other at the table while Dani made to pour a cup of tea. She didn't see Jamie as the gardener entered so she jumped a bit when she said, "Don't touch that. You'll just desecrate it."
"I thought you left a while ago," Dani said. Her voice was light, giddy, excited.
Jamie leaned against the counter next to the au pair. "Made it halfway home and I thought, 'rough day. Maybe Poppins would fancy a little boredom'. What do you say?"
"The kids–," Dani said.
"Already taken care of," Jamie said.
Hannah chimed in. "I've got things handled here. You go and enjoy yourselves."
"Uh," Owen corrected. "We have things handled here. Any nightmares, bogey men or monsters under the bed will be dealt with swiftly and fairly in an impartial court."
Jamie walked up beside Dani and laced their fingers together. "Come on," she said and pulled her out of the room. Her heart beat fast as she took Dani to her most secret spot on the grounds. It was the place she came to pour all the love she had forgotten how to give to the people around her. It was where her moonflowers bloomed in the moonlight, crawling around a wrought iron fixture.
"Wow, that's beautiful," Dani said as she took in the white buds. "You planted that?"
"Yeah, it's a moonflower." Jamie took a seat on some logs she had left overturned there years ago. "Bloody hard to grow in England."
Dani took a step closer to take in the whole plant. "Yeah, but worth it."
"Is it?" Jamie asked.
"Isn't it?" Dani asked and turned to face the gardener.
"This plant only blooms two months a year and only at night. Each bud, only once. These flowers will be dead by morning. Tomorrow night, new buds will bloom and then they'll die. In three weeks, this entire plant will be dead and in the spring I'll have to plant a whole new moonflower." Jamie watched as Dani stared at it.
"That's a lot of work for a flower that only blooms once."
Jamie took a deep breath. "That's what people feel like to me. Exhaustive effort, very little to show for it."
"All of them?" Dani asked.
Jamie nodded and said gravely, "All of them. Even you. Even me. Especially me. So, I figured, I'd save you some effort." She nodded at the log next to her and waited for Dani to take a seat. "Skip to the end. Take a shot. Why not? So here you go, okay?" She asked more for her than for Dani, asking if she really wanted to do this. But, she couldn't go back now and she dove in. Jamie told Dani about her mum and her dad, her brothers. She talked about foster care and hinted at what the foster dads did behind closed doors. She talked about prison and how she found gardening.
"Busy work for idle hands," Jamie said about gardening. "But I fuckin' love it. Love it. And it's so clear then how people aren't worth it, but plants, you pour your love and your effort and your nourishment into them and you see where it goes. You watch them grow and it all makes sense. So, yeah," Jamie gave a short chuckle to hide tears and she moved closer to the moonflowers. "Everyone is exhaustive. Even the best ones. Sometimes, once in a blue goddamned moon I guess, someone, like this moonflower, just might be worth the effort.
"Look, I know you're struggling." Jamie turned back to face Dani. "I see it. I know you're carrying this guilt around, but I also know you don't decide who lives and who doesn't. I'm sorry, Dani, but you don't. Humans are organic. It's a fact. We're meant to die. It's natural, beautiful. And it all breaks down and rises back up and breaks down again. Every living thing grows out of every dying thing. We leave more life behind us to take our place. That life refreshes, and recycles, and on and on it goes. That is so much better than that life getting crushed, deep down in the dirt, into a rock that will burn if it's old enough. So much better to see the leafling and the flower. We leave more life behind to take our place. Like this moonflower. That's where all its beauty lies, you know. In the mortality of the thing."
Dani had quietly met Jamie by the plant. So quietly, Jamie didn't know until she was standing right next to her. Then Dani was holding her and bringing her close, kissing her.
They snuck in through the front of the house, since the back staircase went through the kitchen. Jamie almost tripped on the bottom step. They both giggled and they both shushed each other to avoid alerting Owen and Hannah. Those two could be heard laughing in the kitchen, so absorbed with each other they could never break off to hear the others going upstairs and tucking themselves into Dani's bedroom.
The next morning came and went too quickly with another morning walk by Flora pulling Dani from the bedroom too soon. Jamie put on her clothes from the night before and played it all over in her mind. They fell into each other, held each other, moved with each other. For Dani, it had been her first time with a woman. For Jamie, it wasn't, but it was the first time it felt like that– like it was more than purely surface level.
After, they held each other, no clothes, and Dani whispered her own exhaustive story to Jamie. Every piece of it, she shared into the night. They fell asleep holding hands and woke up with Dani's arm around Jamie.
It seemed that Flora had turned out to be okay because when Jamie arrived in the kitchen she was arguing with Miles. Dani's face, at the sight of Jamie, blushed and smiled in amusement from her place at the table.
"Mind if I join you?" Jamie asked.
"Of course, there's more than enough," Owen called over his shoulder.
"Yay, you never eat breakfast with us. I'm so excited. You can sit next to me." Flora pushed the empty chair beside her out and patted it. Jamie sat down and felt the girl look her up and down. "Silly Jamie, you wore that outfit yesterday."
Dani snickered and covered her mouth with her hand. Jamie sent a wink across the table at the au pair. "It's my favorite. Got good memories."
Owen brought plates of food to the table and set it out before everyone. He made a show of leaning over to get a look at Jamie's clothes then something on Dani caught his eye. "Is that a hickey?" He asked. That one made both Dani and Jamie duck their heads.
"No," Dani cried and covered it with her hand. "Just a mosquito bite."
"Right," Jamie said. "Got a bunch myself. They were brutal last night when we went for a walk."
Hannah chuckled and set a cup of tea next to Jamie's plate. "Want any milk or sugar with your tea, mosquito?"
That one sent all four adults into a fit of laughter. Jamie and Dani knew the jig was up and stopped trying to pretend anything different. Even so, Miles and Flora shared a look of confusion between themselves.
After breakfast, Flora went off to sleep more and barely came back up for dinner– soup that Owen brought to her room. He gave her company while she ate and rubbed her back until she fell back asleep. Jamie spent the day searching for reasons to be around Dani. Suddenly, it seemed like there were lightbulbs everywhere that needed changing and door hinges that needed tightening. By the fourth lightbulb run-in, Dani started to put it together and laughed every time Jamie found another excuse to show up wherever she was.
Once, Jamie stumbled in on Dani without the company of Miles. She knocked on the door as she came in. "Sorry, to bother you," she said.
Dani laughed, "And what is it this time?"
Jamie searched the room for a moment. "I've got to check the wall. Make sure it's sturdy."
"The wall?" Dani asked.
"Yeah, very important, Poppins, very important." Jamie stepped closer to Dani until their mouths were only a few inches apart. "Would you like to help me?" Dani's eyes landed on Jamie's lips and she nodded. The gardener guided Dani back against the wall and when she had her pinned, she kissed her. It started soft and then deepened. Jamie's hand slid from the back of Dani's neck, down the front of Dani's shirt, and all the way to her lower back. Dani's breath caught in her throat and she slid a hand into the back pocket of Jamie's pants.
Footsteps in the hallway pulled them apart. "Miles," Dani whispered.
Jamie took a few steps back and rapped the wall with her knuckles. "Yep, just as I thought. We've got a very sturdy wall here. Now, you'll have to excuse me Miss Clayton, I've got a lot more I've got to check." She passed Miles on the way out and said, "This one. Always finding a way to distract me."
As she turned the corner, she heard Miles ask, "Why is she checking the walls?"
Dinner came sooner rather than later. Jamie usually looked forward to the meal knowing it marked the end of her work day with good food. Today, though, the end of her work day meant less time to sneak up on Dani and make her laugh ring through the house. Dessert followed soon after with a peach cobbler Owen had only just taken out of the oven. Miles insisted on scooping the ice cream so plates went out at scattered times.
Jamie dug in immediately when hers was set in front of her, she always had a soft spot for sweets. After a couple bites, she realized Dani wasn't eating hers. "What's the matter, Poppins? Don't you need your daily dose of sugar?"
"Hmm?" Dani asked. "Oh, it's just too hot to eat right now."
After checking that Miles was safely out of ear shot, she said, "You're too hot, but I would still eat you." A deep belly laugh erupted from Dani.
"Oh, seriously," Hannah groaned. "One dinner. One peaceful dinner is all I ask. And I don't think it's much."
Owen handed Hannah a plate himself. "Letting the two love birds work you up?"
"Don't worry, Hannah," Jamie said. "Your birthday's coming up. Maybe we can get that sorted for you."
"Of course," Owen set his hands on his hips, "then you would probably be eating dinner by yourself."
Flora surprised them all then, disoriented once again. Her high emotions brought Dani's emotions up and a minute of chaos erupted in the room. The au pair took a crying Flora back upstairs and Jamie excused herself, leaving behind a half eaten plate of cobbler. In the hallway outside Flora's room, she waited and listened to Dani through the door. She was calming the girl, then reading her a book, and then sat quietly with her for a few minutes. Eventually, Dani came out of the room.
"Sleep talking, sleep walking, she's having a rough time of it."
"Yeah, I don't know what else to do so I think I'm gonna take her to a doctor in the morning," Dani said.
"She needs a psychologist," Jamie said. "We had mandated therapy inside. I hated it. Didn't think it would do anything. My assigned psychologist, Tamara, she was relentless. Dog with a bone, that woman. So I started talking just to shut her up. After a month, I realized I was sleeping through the night."
"Wow, yeah. You might be right," Dani sighed.
Jamie took a second and then pointed at the stairs. "I'm gonna go."
A look of disappointment flashed over Dani's face. "Oh."
"I should change my clothes at least," Jamie laughed.
"Well, you could come back," Dani offered.
"Tonight?"
"Yeah," Dani nodded, suddenly more sure of herself. "Tonight."
Jamie smiled, "I don't know, Poppins. I don't know, you got your hands full." She wanted to stay, she did, but she also didn't want to rush this thing or burn Dani out. Besides, her shower was calling and there was something about showering in your own bathroom.
Dani stepped closer, "Well, I'm gonna be up all night checking on her anyway."
"Goodnight. Just goodnight." Jamie smiled and leaned closer to Dani and took her hands in her own. "There are other nights and there will be other nights."
"You promise?" Dani asked. They kissed and Dani wrapped her arms around the small of Jamie's back to keep her close.
Jamie pulled away and whispered, "I promise."
Her shower was relaxing. She turned it up high and let it run over her. It stung as it washed over her own mosquito bite– a bit lower on her chest than Dani's had been so no one had noticed it. She quietly thanked Flora for her nuggets of wisdom that convinced Jamie to give Dani one last chance. And how amazing that chance turned out to be.
She fell asleep with a smile on her face and she couldn't remember the last time that happened. Only a few short hours later, though, she woke up to a pounding heart, sweat pouring off her and a sense of dread. Everything in her screamed Dani's name, it screamed at her to get to Bly as fast as she could.
It was too loud to ignore and so she wondered if Peter Quint had finally shown his face. She called up Owen who swore he was about to call her for the very same reason. They didn't live too far apart so he was there in ten minutes and they took off.
The grounds at the manor were eerie when they arrived, almost too still. Jamie hoped that was the case and she and Owen had just overreacted. Then she saw Henry's car and the fear in her solidified.
"Not you, not here," Hannah cried behind them. Jamie turned around, everything moved so slow and felt so surreal. "No, no, what are you doing here?"
"This is going to sound insane, but,"Owen pointed at himself and then Jamie. "We both had an awful dream and we just drove and–."
"The lake," Hannah panted. "They need you at the lake."
Behind them, Dani's warbled cry for Flora caught Jamie's attention and she ran. She didn't know what she was running towards, just that Dani's voice sounded horrified and desperate. As they ran, they found Henry's body, collapsed.
"Owen–," Jamie cried.
He fell to the ground next to the man. "Go," he yelled back.
Jamie's heart beat faster and faster. "Dani!" She screamed as loud as she could. She hoped the au pair would stumble, safe, from the bushes or out of the greenhouse. At least call back to her, tell her not to worry. Horrible images flashed through Jamie's mind.
From the lake, Jamie heard Dani's voice. "It's you. It's me. It's us." As she spoke, her words were forced and raspy.
"Dani!" Jamie yelled again. She came around the corner and stopped in her tracks. Dani was waded into the water, waist-deep. In front of her, a woman with no face held Flora in her arms, both their heads just barely above the surface. They were all still. They all stood still, staring at each other like some secret exchange was happening between them. Jamie could barely breathe, barely think. Tears poured down her face and the only thing she could think was she would not lose Dani– she could not lose her.
In a moment so quick Jamie thought it had to have happened when she blinked her eyes, the woman with no face was gone and Flora was latched tightly around Dani's neck. The au pair gasped, "It's okay, it's okay." She kept repeating it over and over.
Jaime ran into the lake and took hold of them. She placed a hand on Flora's back, supporting the girl, and wrapped an arm around Dani. "Shh, shh," Jamie said. She took in the sight of Dani. One eye blue and one eye brown, both wide and full of panic. Red bruises lined her neck– something had choked her. Bruises don't get that deep, voices don't get that raspy, unless the person almost died. Fear washed over her, then quelled as she pressed her forehead against Dani's. She was there, in her arms, terrified, but alive. Jamie could work with terrified.
They waded out of the water together. Flora broke off to hug her uncle and Owen went to support the au pair who could not stand without the cook on one side and the gardener on the other. Jamie's forehead stayed against Dani's, whispering over and over again, "You're okay. I've got you. You're okay."
Owen desperately looked around the group for Hannah, but she was nowhere to be found. Henry's apology served enough of a confirmation for Owen and he dropped to the ground. They all stood there for a while in collective shock. Owen's cries eventually became the only sound any of them uttered. Jamie wanted to walk him back to the house, but she couldn't let go of Dani. She was grateful when Flora separated from her uncle and took Owen's hand.
"It only feels like dying because, actually, you're still alive," she repeated to him. Then, she wrapped her arms around him. "We should go inside. Would you like some tea?"
Owen pushed himself up from the ground and picked Flora up. "Tea would be lovely, angel."
Flora smiled and held him tight again. "We could all probably use some tea before we catch cold. It's very chilly out here."
Together, the group moved quietly through the night and into the house. Flora did as promised, she set her uncle and Owen at the table and took to making the tea. Jamie didn't join, though, instead she walked Dani upstairs and into her bedroom.
With the door closed, Dani tried to collapse from Jamie's grip onto her bed. "Sweetheart, sweetheart," Jamie cried and used more force to hold her up. "Your clothes are soaked, we've got to get you changed before you lay in bed." Dani couldn't stand up by herself, though, and Jamie needed to fetch clean clothes so she set her down on the bathroom floor against the bathtub. "Where do you keep your pajamas?" She asked. Of course, Dani didn't answer. She stared straight in front of her, perpetually trying to catch her breath, sometimes clutching at her neck to remind her nothing was there.
Jamie knew Dani wouldn't answer, but even so as she dug around the au pair's dresser drawers she caught her own self gasping for air and fighting off tears. Her friend was gone, Dani was a million miles away, and she had images in her head that she knew she would never be able to forget. She sniffed and called over her shoulder, "Feels a bit early to be rifling through your pants drawer, Poppins." She held her breath, hoping to hear anything. A giggle, a laugh, a comeback. She would even take sobs as long as some sign of life trickled out of Dani.
She found a nightgown tucked at the bottom of Dani's drawer and returned to the bathroom. Changing Dani's clothes proved to be a bit hard. Occasionally, she was able to help. Sometimes she could raise her hands in the air, sometimes she could lift her hips. It only ever lasted for a moment and Jamie learned quickly– after Dani's elbow fell straight into Jamie's head– that if Dani was able to help, she had to move fast. Eventually, she got her changed and even managed a bit of toothbrushing.
Dani seemed to have a bit more strength when Jamie lifted her from the floor and walked her to her bed. She leaned on Jamie a bit less and held up her own a bit more. "There, now," Jamie said, lowering Dani onto the bed. "Doesn't that feel better? Dry, warm, and in clean clothes. Did a good job, if I do say so myself."
She pulled the blankets back as Dani slipped under them. Jamie tucked in the au pair just as she had seen the au pair tuck in Flora. The blanket was brought up to her shoulders, the bedside lamp was turned off, and Jamie pressed a kiss on the top of Dani's head.
"I'm so glad you're alive," Jamie whispered. "Gave me a real fright, though." She sighed and stood up off the bed. Dani's hand snapped up and latched onto Jamie's elbow. It surprised Jamie and she jumped.
"Please," Dani forced out. She swallowed and licked her lips. "Please stay."
Jamie nodded into the darkness, "Of course. Absolutely." But, she was also wearing wet clothes. She remembered seeing an NYU t-shirt in Dani's drawer so she retrieved it and threw it on. She climbed into bed next to Dani. As soon as Jamie was settled, Dani rolled over onto her side and buried her face against Jamie. Sobs began to fall out of Dani and Jamie sighed, relieved, that something alive still existed inside of her.
The gardener held the au pair until she cried herself to sleep in the other's arms. All throughout the night, Dani would wake up gasping for air and Jamie would comfort her back to sleep. Early the next morning, Dani finally seemed to be sleeping peacefully so she slipped on her now dry sweatpants and found her way downstairs.
Owen was in the foyer putting on his jacket. He caught sight of Jamie. "I didn't know you stayed here, too."
She paused, "You drove me here, Owen."
His eyes were empty. "Ah, that's right." He went silent and stared at the ground in front of him. Jamie was too familiar with that look. Owen snapped back into reality. "Henry and Miles say she's in the well. I was, uh–."
"I'll come," she said. He seemed grateful at her statement. She wasn't sure she wanted to join, but she couldn't leave him to do it alone either. They walked in silence. They looked down in silence. Her body sat there, at the bottom of the well, just as Miles and Henry said. They cried together as they stared together.
"No!" Owen screamed. He grabbed onto the edge of the well and let his tears drop inside. Jamie grabbed a hold of his arm, afraid he might fall in after her. "We were supposed to go to Paris together."
The police met the two there an hour later. They said she had been dead six months. Jamie couldn't wrap her mind around it. Hannah stood in front of her twelve hours ago. Literally, twelve hours ago, yet she hadn't at the same time. As she cried, she thought about Dani and Flora and Miles and Hannah and Owen. She thought about Rebecca and Henry and Charlotte and Dominic. Hell, she even thought about Peter Quint. So many people around her lost. Some to death and some to a lack of life. The pool of inconsolable grief inside her grew and enveloped her.
Jamie let herself back into Dani's room. The au pair was still in bed, but at the sound of the closed door, she rolled over and stared at Jamie. "Poppins, hi," she said. She sat down on the bed and brushed loose hair from Dani's face. The bruises were darker today and she could see exactly where the woman had grabbed her. She sniffed back more tears. "How are you feeling?"
"My neck hurts," Dani whispered back. She touched it with her hand and winced. "Thank you for staying."
"I'm not going anywhere," Jamie said. And she didn't.
They all stayed at Bly for a few more days, mainly packing up the house. Henry was going to take the kids away and none of the others particularly wanted to stay. Jamie slept in the bed next to Dani every night. Neither of them talked about what had happened,and neither talked about what would happen when the front doors to Bly closed for good. Outside of the house, their lives were worlds apart. She didn't want to say goodbye, but she wasn't sure there was an alternative.
On their last day, Jamie packed up a few last things for Henry and returned to Dani's room. "You about done up here?" Anxiety weighed heavy against her, unsure if they would have time together beyond the next few hours.
Dani looked over her shoulder at Jamie. "I got distracted." That's how it had been the past few days. Dani was back, stronger and physically recovered. She still felt a million miles away, though. She still felt lost.
"It's alright, I'll help you," Jamie said and joined Dani at the chest of drawers. She picked up a few articles of clothing and then noticed that Dani was crying. "What's wrong?"
"I don't know," Dani whispered.
"Dani," Jamie pleaded.
The tears fell faster down Dani's face. "I feel her. In here. So quiet, so quiet, but she's in here. And the part of her that is in here, it isn't peaceful." She moved from the dresser to the foot of the bed and sat. "It's quiet, but it isn't peaceful. It's rage. And I have this feeling like I'm walking through this dense, overgrown jungle. I can't really see anything except the path in front of me. But I know there's this thing hidden. This angry, empty, lonely, beast. It's watching me, matching my movements. It's just out of sight, but I can feel it. I know it's there. It's waiting. She's waiting. At some point, she's gonna take me."
Jamie watched Dani tell this and felt the pain in her heart carve out a deeper hole. This was what she had been worried about. Pouring her love into someone and losing them. She was going to lose Dani– Dani had said as much. A week ago, she would have run. She would have cut her losses and left, knowing she wouldn't get as hurt as she was now. But she also remembered that feeling, when she found Dani in the lake. That feeling that she couldn't lose her, not because she couldn't take anymore loss, no. She couldn't lose Dani because she was worth it. She was worth everything and Jamie would rather stare down a ghost with no face than walk away. So she took the seat next to the au pair.
"Do you want company?" Jamie asked. Her heart beat fast in her chest, hoping with every fiber of her being that Dani would say yes. "While you wait for your beast in the jungle, do you want company?"
She held a single pinky up in the air. Dani crossed hers around Jamie's and the gardener kissed the au pair's hand. A promise to stay by her side. Dani was worth it, Jamie reminded herself. Dani was worth it.
They said goodbye to Henry, Flora, and Miles in the foyer. When Dani told Flora where her and Jamie would be heading, she sounded so excited. It was the first time the au pair seemed truly happy in the stretch of the past few days. Her hand reached out behind her to Jamie and the gardner took it, quietly. She breathed another sigh of relief, there had been so many that week. The small gesture, the sound of excitement– Jamie knew that she wasn't Dani's crutch for survival. Whatever time they had together from here on out was Dani's leafling.
"Mum?" Flora asked. "Where's Dani?"
"Don't worry about her, okay?" Jamie said. Her voice shook.
"Are you two getting a divorce?" Flora said, quiet.
Miles reached over and gave her a sibling-punch– not too hard but enough to feel it. "To get divorced you have to be married, stupid. They're not married yet, are they?"
"I'm not stupid," Flora cried. "Mum, Miles called me stupid."
Jamie could feel the irritation rise up in her. All her energy was being spent trying to be okay for just a bit longer, she couldn't even pretend to have patience for the bickering.
"You are stupid, though," Miles insisted.
"I am not. I'm better at fractions than you are."
"I'm better at fractions than you are," Miles mocked.
Jamie took a few deep breaths. She didn't see Flora's attention return to her in the rearview mirror.
"Is she ever going to come back?" Flora asked.
"I don't know," Jamie snapped. Her hands tightened on the wheel and hopelessness swept over her. "I don't know, sweetheart."
The car went silent. The excitement to see Owen was now overcast by the same questions they all had. Jamie wanted to break down. She wanted to pull over the car and throw herself into the snow just to feel anything other than this. She wanted to crawl into a shell and never come out. But, there were two people in the backseat of her car that needed her not to do that. How would she ever explain this to them?
When they finally found Owen in the holiday traffic of the airport, Flora ran to him and buried her head into his stomach. Miles nodded toward him without much more of a greeting. "I know it's early, but why does everyone seem so downtrodden?"
Jamie pulled Owen in for a tight hug. "Dani," she whispered.
"Oh, yeah," Owen said. "Where did she run off to, anyway?"
"What do you mean?" Jamie asked.
Owen looked at her in confusion. "I just saw her a bit ago. Didn't you split up to look for me?"
Miles shook his head, "Dani didn't come with us."
Jamie faded out trying to understand why Dani would be at the airport. "You must have mistaken her for someone else." Over Owen's shoulder, she just caught sight of a departure board updating with new flights.
"I called her name and she looked over at me before getting lost in the crowd."
With one hand, Jamie steadied Flora, who stood between her and the board, so she could push around the young girl without knocking her over. Her eyes scanned the board, but none of the departures were slated to go to London. She cussed under her breath remembering it wasn't an international airport. There would be no way of finding Dani's flight. Jamie would just have to meet her there.
"She's gonna fly to London," Jamie told Owen. His face changed from confusion to understanding to fear. "I have to go. Can you stay here with them?"
"I'm coming," Owen stated. "You're going to need me."
Jamie looked over at the children as she tried to decide what to do. If this didn't end well, she was going to need them. And the kids needed her. They were confused, unsure of what was happening, but probably feeling like they were about to lose the last few people they had. She held her hand out toward the kids and waved them over.
"Come one, then. We've got to get us some plane tickets."
The attendant was able to get them onto an immediate flight to New York, but the next connecting flight to London would be a five hour layover. It was the best they could get so Jamie took it. In New York, she picked up some breakfast, coffee, and tea while Owen played card games with the kids. With full tummies, the kids fell asleep in the terminal seats.
"You came all the way out here only to turn around and go right back with me. Thank you," Jamie said to Owen.
He waved his hand, "No way in hell I would let you do this by yourself." He looked at the sleeping kids. "What do you think you're going to find when you get there?"
Jamie shook her head and sighed, "Tell you the truth, I'm not sure. I just know I need to be there."