Oh. My. God!
Is he really pleading? His eyes are pleading!
Okay, I can't lose focus...
I want him... I want this... But I don't wanna get hurt. I need to be careful.
I need to be sure.
Sighing while feeling that my heart was definitely trying to rip my chest open just to fly to him, I focused on making things clear.
"You know about my feelings, Jasper." The words came out naturally, straight from my mind, and obviously, my voice was a bit unsteady. "I'm not romantic, and honestly, I don't expect much from you." His eyes glinted with something very similar to disappointment, but I just went on. "But the thing is, I've never cared before because I had never felt this way about anyone... Now I just do, I care. I wasn't afraid of getting hurt, but now I am, even thinking it's stupid." I shrugged. "What you do didn't matter to me... Until I realized it does."
He released a weighted breath and seemed really tense all of a sudden.
"Edward, I don't wanna hurt you." He assured me with the kindest stare I had ever seen him direct at me. "You're... You're the first person in a very very long time that makes me wanna try to..." He cut himself off and sighed.
A mix of fear, anxiety, and anguish rose into me.
"Try to what?" I sounded a bit impatient. "I'm being bluntly clear here. You have to do the same if you want me to even consider..."
"Open up." He hastened to say, and I knew he was forcing the words out by the look of discomfort in his eyes. "Try to open up..." He heaved another breath and looked away. "This is harder than I thought it would be." He kinda spoke to himself this last part. "I want to open up to you, because I want to be with you." And only then he looked at me again.
I shook my head slightly, trying hard not to let his vulnerable gaze hypnotize me.
"So what, now you want a relationship?" I questioned a little bit more harshly than I had intended.
Oddly, this time he didn't seem afraid of the word, he didn't flinch. He actually grabbed both my hands and squeezed them softly.
"Can we try growing into one?" He asked softly.
I was the one astonished.
"How?" I frowned.
Once more he sighed heavily.
"I want us to try... To be exclusive..." It kinda sounded like a question, and I could see by the way he was once again forcing the words out that that was fucking difficult for him. "I just need you to know and... Try to understand that... I may slip from time to time." The sentence gave me cold feet and I frowned. "I'm just being honest." Jasper added as if trying to soothe me.
I wasn't sure that his honesty was enough to calm down my fear.
A bit overwhelmed by the flood of emotion, information, and apprehension, I released a puff of air and dropped my stare to the floor.
Is this really what I want?
I hadn't wanted a relationship of any sort for so long, I didn't even remember when I had wished for that...
But a relationship attempt?
I asked myself if I would be able to handle it...
Everything was so fucking new and overwhelming, the feelings, the urge to know him better, to have him, the fear of rejection, of getting hurt...
It was all too much and I had zero experience in any of that... I was really fucking scared.
And still, I felt compelled to accept whatever he offered because I just wanted to be with him.
How fucked up is this?
I felt Jasper's fingertips under my chin and didn't resist the movement of his hand as he lifted my face up. He searched my eyes for what seemed to be a long time...
"What do you want from me?" I blurted out in a barely-there tone.
"I want you." He answered promptly in a whisper, but he sounded so certain... "I wanna be with you, I just don't know how... I..." He cut himself off once again and sighed heavily. "If you have patience... I'll show you... I just need you to give me a chance."
I'd never cared much about any type of status, least of all relationship ones... But my heart was working in my brain's place.
"And we'll be what now?" I asked warily. "Friends with benefits this time?"
Jasper shook his head while sporting a sad smile.
"Can we not put a label on this?" I huffed. Jasper squeezed my hands and searched my eyes again until I was focused on his once more. "I don't feel like being with anybody else in the way I wanna be with you, Edward." It really sounded like a vowel.
But I was fucking afraid!
"Is this supposed to assure me?" My tone was bordering indignant.
Jasper scooted closer and slid his hands to my forearms.
"Look, the other guys... They're just sex." He asserted, looking deeply into my eyes. I just nibbled my lower lip nervously. "This..." He raised a hand and flickered his finger between us, just like he had done in my apartment. "is different. And I wanna try and make it work, but..." He sighed, closed his eyes for a split second, rested his hand back over my forearm, and looked back at me. "I need time..."
"You'll just hurt me again." I uttered impulsively, shaking my head and looking away.
Cautiously, slowly, Jasper freed my arms and brought his hands to my face. He held it so caringly it provoked goosebumps at the nape of my neck.
I sighed heavily as our eyes met, and I read an emotion I was definitely not expecting to see in his gaze...
That was the very first time I saw longing in his amber eyes.
"I'll try my best not to." This time he truly vowed. "One thing I can promise you... I'll be a hundred percent honest with you."
I squinted, incredulous.
"So you can start now." I defied.
Jasper swallowed visibly, let go of my face, took a deep breath, and nodded.
"Okay."
It was my turn to take a deep breath.
Truthfully, I was afraid of asking that question... 'Cause I wasn't sure how the answer would affect me.
But I did it anyway... I simply needed to know.
"Why do you fuck around?" Unintentionally, my voice came out saturated with disdain.
Dropping his gaze to the floor, Jasper took a couple of seconds to answer.
"I have... control issues. It's... hard to explain." He finally looked at me once he was done speaking.
"Try." I demanded with a fierce stare over him.
He straightened up and averted his gaze again.
"My first relationship..." He started in a surprisingly wavering voice. He looked vulnerable again. "I went through... Some hard stuff... I was really young, and he was... Older... And abusive." Jasper looked at me, and I easily read the sadness in his irises. "It marked me deeply... It damaged me for any other relationship I would come to have..." He blinked a lot, and I had the impression he was holding back tears. "It's a painful and long story."
My heart ached for him, for the old pain I could identify in his gaze, so I didn't demand to know more... Not for the time being, anyway.
"What do the men you get with has to do will all that?" I tried to sound neutral, I wanted to understand and not for him to feel judged.
"This is too complicated for me to explain right now... And I don't wanna weird you out." He clarified cautiously and sighed. "I've told you... I'm damaged. But I'm trying to fix my issues."
"There are psychologists for that, you know..." I said softly, mostly thinking that I could help him if I had a bit more knowledge in my own field.
But I was still just a student...
Jasper smiled tentatively.
"Yeah, I know that." He took another deep breath. "Actually, I've been in therapy for the past twelve years." I felt my eyes widening and he smiled knowingly. "There hasn't been any major change... That is... Until you came into my life."
Wow.
How does someone reply to that...?
Impulsive as I had been around him since we met, I just let the words come out.
"What changed?"
His dimpled smile made an appearance, and my chest was immediately warming up.
"I'm less afraid." He asserted gently.
"Of what?"
"Of allowing myself to be... Vulnerable again."
I gasped... I think I did it quietly, but I'm not so sure.
"I can imagine how this sounds to you..." He was careful again. "After all I said... And the way I behaved."
"Indeed." It was all I could reply.
"The truth is that I tried not to give in." He said seriously. "I fought against what you provoke in me and... I did it consciously because I didn't want the change."
"So why..." I started asking slowly, furrowing my eyebrows.
Jasper held my face again, this time bringing it closer to his.
"Your honesty... Your courage..." He spoke emphasizing his words and looking at me intensely. "You weren't afraid of speaking your mind, of telling me how you felt..."
"How I feel." I corrected him.
"How you feel..." He repeated in a soft tone. "When you said those words last night..." He released a puff of air. "I realized how much of a coward I was being... I was fighting not to let you in but the reason for that... Is so stupid."
"You're afraid of getting hurt too." The conclusion was simple and it came out easily as I understood it.
Jasper nodded.
"Are you... Serious?" The question escaped in a whisper.
"I am." He assured.
"How the hell would I be able to hurt you? You would have to be..." I interrupted myself involuntarily because of the change in his countenance.
The smile that graced his lips was subtle and it contrasted with the melancholic glint in his eyes.
"Isn't it obvious?" He asked so softly that, if I wasn't so close I'm sure I wouldn't have heard it.
I shook my head slowly, still having a hard time believing that.
"You're not." I stated, but the frailty in my tone gave in I was not so certain.
Jasper sighed once more.
"I'm not as brave as you..." He said in a cautious voice. "I'm not ready to say it... But it is true."
"You can't possibly feel the same way for me as I do for you."
He closed his eyes and joined our foreheads.
"But I do..." He murmured.
My heart jolted and started beating erratically... I felt my face warming up and my breath hitching...
I jerked my head back and looked fiercely into his eyes.
"Give me another chance." Jasper asked with pleading eyes before I could ask the question that was hammering my head. "I can't promise you I won't slip or fail... This will not be a walk in the park, especially not for you. But I assure you... I'll try... Hard. And I'll be a hundred percent honest. I want to be good for you."
That simply disarmed me... What could I have said after those words?
"Yes." That was the only possible answer... At least in my mind. "I'll give you another chance." He smiled so broadly that his dimples made an endearing appearance. "But you'll have to promise not to freak out every time we get closer."
"I'll try not to."
"At least tell me if you're freaking out... Tell me you need space and time... Don't let me hanging."
He nodded.
"I promise."
I nodded too, then I stood up.
"Where are you going?" He asked, frowning.
"To college." I clarified simply. "I'm already late for the second period."
Jasper stood up as well while nodding again.
"I'll take you there."
"No need, I drove here."
"Leave your car here." He asked a little too warily. "I want to... Pick you up later... If you don't mind."
I felt the smile stretching my lips.
"Okay."
Around fifteen minutes later I was hopping off his bike.
"Edward." He uttered in a low interrogative tone as I gave him the helmet.
"Huh?"
"You and Ryan..." He started and dropped his gaze to the pavement.
I sighed.
"We had sex." I provided readily. He looked at me with guarded eyes. "And I care a lot about him, as he does about me. For a moment I thought I had feelings for him too, but... He made me see that I was just confusing our bond with something else."
"So you don't..." He sounded insecure.
I shook my head no. Then I got closer and held his face in my hands and smiled at him.
"I'm in love with you." I asserted, making him smile tentatively.
I kissed him, slowly and tenderly until I felt that my heart was trying to fly out of my chest.
"What about him?" Jasper asked softly. "I don't want Ry to get hurt."
I pulled away a little bit.
"He was the one that opened my eyes to what truly is there between him and me... And Between us." I clarified simply. "Besides... His heart is taken."
Jasper seemed slightly surprised but didn't react much beyond it. He offered me his lush lips. I smiled and kissed him. Then I rested my forehead on his without opening my eyes.
"Please don't hurt me." It came out involuntarily.
I felt his hands on my neck. He brought us even closer...
"Can I ask the same of you...?" His voice was hesitant.
I pulled away and looked at him... And then I could see he was just as afraid as I was... Maybe even a little more.
My smile was kind.
"Let's try this one day at a time." I uttered.
He nodded.
#(Dis)Sonant*Chapter10#
I woke up alone on his bed on the Sunday of the following weekend.
It didn't really surprise me since by then I was already used to his morning routine. I got up and put on the shorts he had lent me the night before, supposing he was in the pool, swimming his daily 20 laps.
I was taken by surprise as I reached half of the corridor and heard his and a woman's voice in what seemed to be a secretive conversation. I halted my steps and listened attentively.
"You indeed seem lighter." The woman said. "Can I be happy for you? Or this is just a fling?"
"I really don't know what it is, but I want it to be more than a fling." Jasper said in a serious tone.
My heart felt warm. I knew he was talking about what was going on between the two of us.
"Can I meet him?"
"Not yet." Jasper stated. "Just let me see where this goes... I don't wanna fuck it up."
"You'll have to change your behavior then."
Whoever this person was, she was close to him, or else she wouldn't know enough to say that...
"I'm trying." Jasper affirmed.
I wondered if it was his therapist...
"How long since you last hooked up with a random blond?" The woman demanded.
I felt anxiety take over me and my stomach churned.
Jasper and I had been doing really well in the growing-into-a-relationship department, getting slowly closer to each other without crowding or pressuring one another, and I hadn't caught him hooking up since last time but... With him, I could never really tell...
I was immediately afraid of hearing the answer.
There was a long moment of silence, and I thought about getting closer to the living room door... But before I could move...
"Two days."
I felt my throat clenching and my heart getting smaller. I gasped involuntarily and quietly.
It had been my day-off two days before... And since he was at the club, I had been with Ryan, who was also in his day-off, at one of his friends' house for a dinner party...
We had met later at his house... He hadn't told me he'd been with another guy.
You didn't ask.
He promised he would be a hundred percent honest...
You didn't ask!
Feeling a bit shaken, I leaned on the nearest wall and tried to reason with myself.
He'd said he would slip from time to time... He'd asked me for understanding.
You asked him not to hurt you.
He said he would try not to.
It still hurts.
"Have you told him?" The woman's question ripped me out of my head.
"I couldn't find the right time... But I will." Jasper assured in a confident tone.
"Do that... If you want him to trust you."
I understood right then that it wouldn't be such a good idea to show up unannounced in the living room and interrupt their conversation... Or to keep eavesdropping as I was.
So I turned on my heels and went back to Jasper's bedroom, sitting on the edge of his bed and resting my elbows on my thighs as I held my head and looked down.
I didn't want to freak out... But I was freaking out...
I had known he would slip again, and I consciously accepted that as part of the deal...
But it didn't mean it hurt any less...
I took a deep breath while closing my eyes.
I needed to be patient and understanding... That had been what I set out to do... And we had been trying for only a week... I knew it would not be easy or fast.
But there's this thing about being in love... You're never rational, you can never control or reason what you feel.
I was realizing that the hard way.
"You're awake." I heard his voice and immediately perceived the caring tone.
I raised my head and eyes to him, trying not to seem as dejected as I felt.
Jasper was smiling his dimpled smile, but it flickered and faded as soon as he was able to see my face.
He swallowed hard and clenched his jaw... Then he heaved a sigh.
"Yeah, I heard it." I provided in a lifeless voice, knowing he could deduce the reason behind my despondency.
Clearly understanding he'd hurt me again, and seemingly feeling sorrow for it, Jasper dropped his gaze down.
"I was going to tell you..." He said in a careful voice. "I didn't find the right moment."
"There will never be a right moment for you to tell me such thing." I uttered in earnest.
He looked at me.
I took a deep breath to calm down. I had agreed to be patient, to give him time, to be understanding... I wasn't going to give up so soon.
With that in mind, I stood up, having Jasper's wary stare over me... I got closer, as close as we'd been every time we were about to kiss, I looked up into his eyes and raised my hand to his face, holding his jaw softly...
"I don't need to know." I affirmed. "Actually, I don't wanna know. So let's pretend it's just you and me."
"It is just you and me." He assured emphatically.
"Just don't let me see it." I spoke harshly, ignoring his statement.
"Edward, I'm..."
"Don't say you're sorry." I cut him off. "You're not, and even if you are, it doesn't make it any better."
"What can I do to make it better?" He asked in a quiet voice, guardedly.
My first impulse was to say he had to stop with the fucking-around routine at once, but I knew it was no use... Saying that would just hurt us both and no good would come from it anyway...
So I forced a smile and wrapped my arms around his neck. I felt Jasper's hands on my waist.
"Let's just kiss and make out." I suggested with a deliberate devilish stare.
Jasper quirked an eyebrow.
"Isn't it 'kiss and make up'?"
I shook my head no.
"In our case is literally kiss and make out... And have sex." I started pulling him with me toward the bed. He smiled. "C'mon... Make me forget about all this."
Jasper's eyes glinted with what I assumed to be sorrow and he became serious before nodding.
Then he kissed me slowly.
We stumbled on the bed, his strong body over mine. I looked at him.
"Don't give up on me..." He asked cautiously. "Not yet... Please."
He was pleading again...
My heart felt full and sore at the same time.
I nodded and pulled him to me, shutting us up for the time being.