Please check the trigger warnings!

Leilani

It didn't take much persuasion from Alice for a beach trip. I had mostly been worried about whether it would be warm enough, since I wanted to be able to walk bare foot on the sand and in the sea. When Saturday came, it was overcast and still fairly warm for early October. There would be no sun, and most likely some wind at the coast. I was looking forward to it, waking up and actually getting out of bed to pack a bag. I put my bikini on under my clothes, putting some leggings and a jumper over the top. It wasn't quite cold enough for me to need a jacket.

I walked down the drive to Alice's car as it pulled up. I got in the passenger side at the front, since I saw Jasper and Emmett were sitting in the back.

"Hey," I smiled to them all.

They all greeted me, and Alice started driving. It wasn't too far, the drive taking less than an hour. I tried to join in the conversation and ignore Alice recklessly speeding down the roads. Thankfully, her nice car didn't make me feel like I was being thrown around, and it was quite a smooth ride. She seemed to know what she was doing, so I trusted her.

We arrived at a small carpark that was pretty much empty aside from a couple of other cars. Whoever owned them didn't seem to be in sight, and the concrete area stood on a hill overlooking the sandy dip below. The waves in the distance were cascading over each other, rippling against the coast line.

The four of us carried our bags down the steps and onto the sand. We stopped not far away. Alice laid out a large towel and we dumped our stuff onto it. I kicked off my shoes and slipped my socks inside.

"That sand feels great," I said, wriggling my toes on the soft, dry beach.

"Yeah!" Alice agreed, unbuttoning her short, white flowing dress. Underneath she wore a sea blue swimming costume with thin straps. She kept the dress on so that it still covered her shoulders, taking a seat on the towel.

The boys were in shorts, however, they kept their t-shirts on. Emmett nudged Jasper. "Race you?" He sprinted off leaving Jasper to run after him, trying to catch up.

I sat down beside Alice, my feet off the towel as I played with the sand and looked out at the waves.

"This is such a nice beach. I'm surprised there's hardly anyone here." I commented.

"It's not very well known," Alice replied. "We always come here."

"I can see why."

We sat in comfortable silence for a while. I could see Jasper and Emmett in the distance, apparently wrestling in the sand now. Putting a hand to my mouth, I laughed.

"Boys," Alice rolled her eyes. "Do you want to play something?" She held up a pack of cards.

"Ok," I said, curling my legs to the side.

We played a couple of games, Jasper and Emmett eventually joining us. Jasper lost Chase the Queen, and Alice won almost every game of Rummy. At some point the wind picked up, sending half the deck flying into my lap.

I giggled as Jasper and I tried to gather all the cards before they flew away. Emmett jumped up to grab a couple that had gotten out of reach. Jasper spied the two of hearts next to my bare shin and I moved my leg just as he reached for it. His hand was cold, but I liked it, welcoming the touch of the back of his hand and fingers on my leg. I pretended not to notice, wanting to seem casual about it, though I could feel him looking at me.

After a while, Emmett disappeared and we chatted, listening to music on the little speaker Jasper had brought. When Emmett returned, he was holding a white carrier bag.

"You know, it's not a real beach trip in England without fish and chips." He grinned.

"Ohhh!" I cried, smiling back. "Thank you, Emmett!"

"You're welcome. Tuck in, guys." He plonked down on the towel, and opened up the little package.

It wasn't difficult to see that I was eating the most. "Big breakfast again?" I half-joked, half meant it as a serious question. They never seemed to eat much. Even Emmett who was so muscular that he would need a lot of calories to keep up the mass. Jasper was quite fit, himself. Alice I could understand, with her small dainty figure. Was this one of Jasper's secrets?

There was a murmur of affirmation from Alice, who quickly changed the subject. "So, are we all going in the sea?"

"It's probably pretty cold," Jasper said.

"Pussy." Emmett smirked.

"Oh, I'm a pussy?" Jasper raised his eyebrow, daring him.

"Yeah."

"Right," Jasper stood up and ran towards the sea.

Emmett laughed, pelting after him. Alice also wanted to join in, throwing off her dress and leaving it in a pile on the towel. I heard her squeal as she stepped into the water.

I smiled to myself, watching them having fun for a minute. It looked so easy for them. I couldn't help but feel jealous, wishing I could let go and forget the world being shit. Forget myself.

Couldn't I do that? I stood up and pulled off my leggings and my jumper. I kept my white t-shirt on, walking towards the water. As I got closer the sand felt colder, wetter. My feet began to sink into the dampness. It was warm-ish. Not as cold as I had thought.

I thought about the waves, watching them cover my toes and feet, and then pulling away with some of the sand. I wondered what it would be like for me to be the sand, to be pulled into the ocean. To be lost. Or at least, more lost than I already felt.

My chest began to hurt as I took a few more steps forward, the water rising above my ankles and halfway up my shins. I could hear my friends about a hundred yards away, still laughing. I couldn't imagine myself with them, laughing like that.

I took another step, feeling the cold below the surface of the water. It was now up to my knees.

What would happen if I went further? What would happen if the waves never brought me back? They would be ok. They could have fun without me. My parents wouldn't really notice I was gone. They would be sad for a while, but they'd survive. There was work always there to distract them and give them meaning to their lives.

It was such a lovely day, such a good time we'd had together. This could be the perfect way to end it. The perfect time. There may never be another time like this.

I was waist deep now, my heart pumping fast. I swallowed, taking deep breaths. The last breaths I would ever have. My eyes were tearing up, tears beginning to spill down my cheeks at the promise of peace.

If I was strong enough to do it, why was I taking so long? This wasn't so difficult, surely. All I had to do was keep walking forward. It wasn't as if I could swim very well.

"Leilani." Jasper.

I put a hand to my mouth, muffling a sob, pressing my eyes closed, more tears streaming down my face. It was too late. I'd taken too long and now it was over. I'd lost my chance. I wanted to scream.

"Leilani." He was right next to me now, his hand on my back.

I stood there, both hands on my mouth now, not knowing whether I should try and stop crying or just embrace it.

"Let's go back to the beach," he murmured.

I shook my head, lowering my hands. "I can't." I couldn't go back to Emmett and Alice. Not like this. I couldn't go back at all. This was supposed to be it. The end.

"Yes, you can," said Jasper.

He really sounded like he believed in me. It was a lot more than I had ever believed in myself, from what I could remember at least. He had told me he cared about me. How could I do this with him here?

"I really want to go." I let out a sob, assuming he would think I meant go home, instead of leaving this world.

"I know." Jasper put his hands on my shoulders, rubbing them. "But I swear to you, this is temporary. It won't be like this forever. You won't feel like this forever."

I cried even more, shaking under his hands. He pulled me closer, wrapping his strong arms around me. I was both glad he was there, thankful for him as my best friend, and at the same time wishing he wasn't. Because at least if he wasn't, I would be able to leave, instead of struggling to try and find a way not to. I gripped his shirt, sobbing into his chest.

Jasper held me tightly. "It's going to be ok," he kept saying, pulling me slightly, urging me to walk with him onto land again.

When we were out of the water and on the dry sand, Jasper kept hugging me as I continued to cry.

"Alice," he said, softly. She must have been standing behind me. All I could see was a blur of Jasper's beige shirt. "Can you grab us a towel?"

A moment later he was wrapping one around my waist, where the water had gotten. My feet were freezing and it was almost painful standing on the sand.

"Leilani?" He was rubbing my back, comfortingly.

"Yeah," I choked out, wiping my tears away with my hands, only for them to be replaced with more.

"We need to get you warm. You're freezing."

I wanted to tell him he couldn't really talk, being so cold all the time. And that I didn't care. I deserved it. I deserved to suffer for being such a terrible friend I'd want to commit suicide at a beach trip.

"Come on," he pressed.

"Ok," I mumbled, not making any motion to move back to our bags. I pressed my palms over my eyes, trying to block out the world.

"Here," Jasper let go of me for a second, and I put my hands down, wondering what he was doing. Suddenly, he had put one arm under my legs, one around my back and lifted me up.

I cried out in surprise.

"It's alright," he said, his face now only a few inches from mine. "You were too slow."

It's true. I was a huge burden. I had put him though watching me try to drown myself, and I couldn't even do as he asked leading him to carry me back. "I'm sorry," I mumbled, continuing to cry.

"It's ok," Jasper said. "It's not your fault."

"It is," I argued. "It's not ok. I'm such a terrible person."

"Please, don't, Leilani. Please don't say that. You're a great person."

"If I'm a great person then I wouldn't do these things." I sniffed, trying to breathe.

"It's not you. It's part of your illness," he insisted. "And that will go away in time. It's going to be alright. I'm here, I'll help you."

God, he was so kind. I had so much gratitude towards him, and some of the lost feeling was starting to float away. Jasper had brought me back, when I thought I was alone. When I thought the only thing to do was to let the sea take me.

With great care, Jasper put me down onto the towels. The tears were still falling as I dried myself off and used my towel as cover to get dressed. Once done, I stood up, using my sleeves to wipe my face. "I can't stop crying," I sniffed.

"Cry as much as you need to," Jasper said, touching my shoulder.

The trip was over. Alice and Emmett, who seemed to have disappeared somewhere, came back over to us and took it in turns to hug me.

"Thanks, guys," I told them. "Sorry I ruined our beach trip."

"Oh, come on, Lani. You never ruin anything," Emmett smiled at me.

"I love you," Alice said, giving me another hug.

In the car, Emmett sat in the front with Alice. I was in the back with Jasper, mostly staring out the window. Eventually my tears stopped and I just sat there quietly, listening to the music that was playing.

I turned my head to see Jasper was looking out the front window. He saw me and gave me a soft smile, his eyes full of concern. Silently I put my hand out on the seat between us, sliding it towards him.

Jasper took it, giving my hand a gentle squeeze.

Alice pulled up by my house. She turned in her seat to see Jasper and I holding hands, though it didn't phase her. She looked like she was about to say something when Jasper spoke first.

"I'm going in with her."

Alice nodded. She looked to me and reached forward to touch my knee. "Call me anytime, ok?"

"Same here," said Emmett, turning around. "We're your friends now, no matter what."

They were truly the greatest friends I'd ever had. "Thank you."

Jasper squeezed my hand again before letting it go, so he could get out of the car. I didn't protest, glad that he was going to stay with me.

I unbuckled my seatbelt as Jasper opened my door. He already had my bag over his shoulder and held out his hand to me. I took it gladly, walking up the drive with him to my house.

Jasper

No one was home, which was expected as it was only late afternoon. Leilani didn't say anything, letting go of my hand to unlock the front door. She was tired.

In the hall I closed the front door behind me. She looked around, unsure, not seeming to know what to do next.

"Why don't you go and take a shower?" I suggested. "And I'll make some tea."

She watched me as I took her bag off my shoulder and put it down in the corner. "Are you sure?" she asked.

I nodded. "Yeah."

"Thanks," Leilani replied. "I'll try not to be too long."

"Don't worry about that," I tried to assure her, placing a hand on her shoulder. "I'm not going anywhere. Just try to relax, ok?"

"Ok," she whispered, tilting her head towards my hand and closing her eyes.

Reluctantly, I let my hand slide down her shoulder and her arm. I hoped that she would go and make herself more comfortable. Finally, she turned and dragged her feet up the stairs.

When she was gone, I sighed, running a hand through my hair and walking into the kitchen. I sat down at the island, sliding my phone out of my pocket.

Her emotions were heavy and intense. I could still feel them from there, the exhaustion, self-loathing, shame, gratitude, affection. I heard the water running in the bathroom and slowly she began to relax.

Leilani's last-minute decision had thrown Alice. She must not have thought to do it until reaching the water. One moment everything had been fine (or as close to it as was normal), the next there was a tornado.

Peace and fear, uncertainty and determination, grief, and guilt, and so many other things. She was like a storm, every rain-drop a different feeling. But that was nothing compared to seeing her waist deep in the ocean, wanting to end it all.

I had rushed over to her, not caring if she saw me moving at beyond human speed. Nothing mattered at that moment. Only saving her.

My words seemed to have made a difference. As I held her, I didn't think about the thirst, pushing it to the back of my mind. All I was thinking was how to help her, how to make her happy again.

There were some messages from Alice, asking me already how Leilani was doing. I told her I would let her know more later. Then I tried to call Carlisle. There was no answer so I assumed he was busy with a patient.

A few minutes later as I was pouring out some tea for Leilani, my phone started ringing.

"Jasper?" Carlisle asked, sounding concerned. "I've just had a message from Alice. How is Leilani?"

"Did Alice tell you everything that happened?" I finished making the tea and sat back down on the stool. "She's alright for now, Carlisle. I just made her a drink and she's getting changed." I explained.

"Good. Yes, Alice, told me everything that happened. She said you handled the whole situation, and that you stopped Leilani going any further."

I supposed it was true, although Alice seemed to have made me out to be some kind of saviour and I only wished I could've done more.

"Do you have any advice? Should I bring her to the hospital?" She undoubtedly wouldn't want that, but it might be what she needed.

"See how it goes first, son. There might be no need, if she's ok. It's probably best if Leilani stays somewhere familiar and comfortable around her loved ones. Make sure she knows she's loved. Distract her as much as possible."

"I'll do what I can," I said.

"It sounds like you're already doing quite well," Carlisle exclaimed.

I smiled slightly. "Thanks, Carlisle."

The water turned off upstairs. Not too long later I could hear Leilani beginning to descend the stairs. I picked up her tea and walked into the hallway.

"Shall we go and sit in my room?" she asked, halfway down the stairs. She was dressed in her pyjamas with a black baggy jumper over the top.

"Sure," I replied.

In her room, Leilani sat down on the sofa. I took a seat next to her, passing her the mug of tea.

"Thanks," she mumbled, before blowing on it and taking a sip.

"Do you want to watch a movie?" I asked her.

"Ok."

She didn't seem bothered about what we would watch, or about watching anything at all. I found another Disney movie as she seemed to like those. The last one had helped her mood and she had enjoyed it.

After she finished her tea, her heart sped up slightly. I glanced at her, but she was watching the TV. Nervous, she spoke, "Do you mind if I lean on you?"

I smiled, reaching across and touching her back, feeling her soft jumper. "Of course not, come here."

A thrill of excitement flowed through her, mirroring my own. Leilani put her legs up onto the sofa, curling up against my side. The top of her damp hair tickled my neck and the strong smell of coconut hit my senses. I could practically taste her scent. I was so lucky it was still there. Things could have gone a different way at the beach.

The physical contact really helped her. Somehow being in my arms relaxed her a great deal, despite me not using my powers. After the movie, I persuaded her to play some video games with me, and I ordered some pizza, knowing that it was her favourite. She ate a little, only a couple of slices.

It was well after dark we were watching some funny videos online. Leilani was very tired now. I could tell she was struggling to stay awake. At last, she fell asleep, lying on the sofa with her legs on my lap. When the video ended, I carefully lifted her legs so I could stand up and then carried her over to the bed.

As I gently put her down, her eyes opened. She stared up at mine.

"Go back to sleep," I murmured. "I'll stay on the sofa."

"It's too small for you," she said, worried.

"Then I'll go downstairs. It's ok, don't worry." I pulled the covers up for her, still very close.

"Jasper," she whispered, prompting me to stop.

I stared back at her beautiful, tired face, only inches away.

Leilani closed the distance, lifting herself up on her elbows and touching her lips to mine in a small kiss.

As quickly as it had happened, she lowered herself an inch. Her green eyes searched my face for my reaction. She was afraid, unsure, hopeful.

I had been so scared to try anything romantic with her before. In case she wasn't ready or didn't want that. I hadn't expected it to happen that night.

Leaning forwards, I pressed my lips to hers, closing my eyes. She kissed me back, her lips so soft. They tasted salty and sweet, and slightly of pizza. Leilani reached up, touching the back of my hair and deepening the kiss. She moved up on the bed so she was sitting up and I sat down on the edge of the bed, putting my hands on her small waist.

It felt so good to touch her properly and kiss her. Mostly it felt right. And like Alice had said, it was going to happen.

After a few minutes we pulled apart. Leilani put her arms around my neck, burying her face there. I held her, rubbing her back with my eyes closed, just enjoying the feeling of being that close to her, and taking pleasure in all her emotions, too.

Slowly her arms loosened around me.

"Try and get some sleep now, ok darlin'?"

"Ok," she whispered.

Leilani slid off her jumper and moved across the bed.

"The sofa is too small," she insisted.

I smiled at her concern. "Alright," I surrendered, taking off my sweater so I was still in my t-shirt and jeans.

She pulled the covers up lying down on her side, and I laid next to her on top of the duvet. We were facing each other.

Only a few minutes later Leilani had closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep. At last, for now, she was at peace.