A/V (author's venting): I'M SORRY I HAVE NO IDEA WHY FFN IS BEING STUPID. You've probably gotten tons of emails if you follow this story about Chapter 10 being uploaded. Truth be told, FFN wasn't showing this chapter, and it was me constantly reuploading hoping to magically fix it. I hope this isn't a regular thing. It's honestly a miracle if you can see this at all. If you can, enjoy the chapter.
Damn it, why didn't I just go back to sleep last night? My eyelids feel weighed down and my mind feels foggy. Oh well. Not much I can do at this point. The commander needs my help with that mountain of paperwork I caught him with. Hopefully it's not too busy today.
I got out of bed and took a quick shower. Sadly, it didn't do much to help wake me up. At least I'll feel clean, though.
I took a glance at myself in the mirror. Ugh... my eyes look terrible. The dark circles under them are so obvious. As if I could feel uglier than I did last night.
And... still no necklace. Not surprising, though. Maybe the last ounce of optimism within me was hoping it'd be there. But nope. Just my bare neck.
I sighed. Maybe fixing up my hair and applying some makeup would help me feel less ugly.
I carefully brushed and ironed my hair, trying to make it look as smooth and shiny as I could. Then I used what little makeup supplies I had—meaning just foundation and mascara. Anything more would probably be overkill, as if I put on makeup often anyway. I rubbed on a minimal amount of foundation to cover up the dark circles and then—taking Richelieu's advice—I applied the mascara slowly and carefully.
Just one more touch and... there.
Hmm... that's a little better, I guess. At least I don't look like a tired hag anymore.
I let out a mighty yawn. It's gonna be a long day.
I arrived at the office, and I could hear the commander talking to someone. At least he's here on-time today. I opened the door and was immediately met with the unwavering gazes of the commander and, to my surprise, a familiar Vichya heavy cruiser.
"Bonjour, Jeanie," Algerie said.
"Bonjour," I said. "Dropping off some paperwork?"
"Actually, I was discussing some... personal matters with the commander," Algerie said.
"Personal matters?" I asked. "Like what?"
Algerie turned to the commander. "Commander, may Jeanie and I borrow the meeting room next door so I can speak to her in private?"
"Yeah, be my guest," he said.
"Huh?" I said. "What's going on?"
"Merci, Commander," Algerie said. "Come, Jeanie."
"Algerie, what's—"
"Just follow me and I'll explain, okay?" Algerie said.
"Um... okay...?" I said, following Algerie out of the office. What the hell does she want? And why's she being so cryptic? And why do we need a private place to talk?
We entered the next-door meeting room. I closed the door behind us as Algerie took a seat at the big table. She gestured to the chair next to her, where I took a seat myself. I pulled over another chair to kick my feet up on.
"You did your hair and makeup today?" Algerie asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"I like it. You look quite pretty," Algerie said.
I hope the commander thinks so too.
"Wanna look good for the commander, hmm?" Algerie said with a smirk.
My face ignited like lighter fluid, as did my whole body. It's like she read my mind!
"N-No!" I quickly said. "It's to cover the circles under my eyes. Th-That's all."
"...is that so?" Algerie said, studying me. "Strange. You usually never wear makeup, even for some minor blemishes."
Shit! My face is on fire. Is it noticeable?
Algerie looked at me like a detective studying clues. My heart's racing. Does she know? No... nobody knows, right? I haven't told anyone. Unless I'm not hiding it well...
For God's sake, just drop the damn subject, Algerie!
After what felt like forever, Algerie just giggled, shaking her head. "The dark circles must've been bad if even you want to put on makeup to cover them."
Phew... that was close.
"If you're that tired, I hope you don't faint on the commander again," Algerie said with another giggle.
Heh... of course she still mocks me. No big deal, though. She meant no harm.
"No, I'm not that tired. Just don't wanna look like a hag, y'know?" I said. "Alright, enough pleasantries. Why'd you wanna talk to me privately?"
Algerie's face suddenly turned worried.
"Ah, yes. Don't worry, I haven't forgotten," Algerie said. "Only trying to lighten the mood before discussing more serious matters."
"Someone in the hospital or something?" I asked.
Algerie shook her head. "This is about you."
"Me?" I said. Not sure if I should feel relieved or not.
Algerie nodded, taking a deep breath. "Jeanie... are you okay?"
I rose an eyebrow. "Whaddya mean?"
"Are you happy?" Algerie asked. "Generally."
"...that's all ya wanted to ask?" I said. Confused as I was, my heart felt slightly colder. After shedding so many tears last night, the answer's clear.
"It's a simple question," Algerie said.
I almost chuckled. This is anything but a simple question.
"I'm perfectly fine," I said, ignoring my increasingly clammy hands. "I ain't sick or anything. The secretary job's been good so far, though I could do without all the damn paperwork. Why'd ya pull me aside to ask that?"
Algerie pursed her lips. "Because I heard you crying last night."
My heart dropped like a stone. I could feel my cheeks flush bright red. So that's why she pulled me aside.
"...how much did ya hear?" I said in a quieter voice.
"I heard enough," Algerie said. "Richelieu and Dunkerque heard too."
What the hell? Wasn't everyone supposed to be asleep? Or did I wake them up? Maybe the dorm walls were thinner than I thought.
"It's no wonder why you didn't sleep well," Algerie said. "Is something wrong?"
I sighed, turning my chair toward the desk and leaning my head on my hand.
"Jeanie?"
I didn't answer, staring down at the woodgrain of the table, mentally coloring between the lines as thoughts of last night were dredged up. The residual emotions were dug up too.
Ugh... Dunkerque's already seen me cry once this week. And Richelieu... I wonder how she feels about having a weak sister.
Why did the room suddenly feel colder?
Algerie moved her chair closer, rubbing my back.
"What has you so upset?" Algerie asked.
Damn it, what the hell do I say? That I'm worried the commander won't ask me to the ball? How childish would that sound?
"It's stupid," I said. "Don't worry about it."
"Oh, don't be silly," Algerie said. "Surely nothing stupid enough for a good friend, right?"
I shook my head. "I'll deal with it myself."
"Jeanie, you have friends for a reason," Algerie said. "Whatever it is, there's no shame in asking for help."
I grit my teeth. She really doesn't wanna let this go, huh?
"Is the commander being mean to you?" Algerie asked.
Heh... as if.
"No," I said.
"Is being his secretary stressing you out?" Algerie asked.
Well... that's one way to look at it, I guess.
"The workload's fine," I said.
"Then what is it?" Algerie asked.
Why don't you just ask my heart, Algerie? After all, the only reason I feel this way is because it decided to randomly fall for someone.
"I'm just not ready to talk about it," I said.
"Not even with a close friend?" Algerie asked.
"No," I said.
"You might feel better if you get it off your chest," Algerie said.
"Algerie, even if I told you, there's nothing you can do to help me," I said.
"You don't know that," Algerie said.
"Yes, I do," I said. "Look, it's complicated, alright? But... I can handle it myself. When I'm ready to talk about, I'll talk about it, but for now I need time. I'd tell Richelieu and Dunkerque the same thing."
Algerie didn't look satisfied at all. I know she wants answers. I know I have those answers. I just can't give them right now. Funny, I usually ask for a straight answer from people when they give me cryptic answers. Now look at me.
"It hurts to hear you cry, Jeanie," Algerie said. "I want to do everything in my power to help you."
I sighed. "I know, and I appreciate it, but I need to figure some things on my own first."
"...I see," Algerie said. "Can you at least tell me if it involves the commander? Just a simple yes or no."
My heart tied itself in a knot, knowing exactly what the answer was.
"...yes."
Algerie nodded, managing a small smile. She still didn't look completely satisfied, but she seemed content that I answered at least one of her questions.
"I suppose that'll have to do for now," Algerie said. "Promise me you'll take care of yourself, okay? Because if I hear you crying again, I'll do a full interrogation with Dunkerque and Richelieu."
Hmph... good to know I have friends who care that much.
"Thanks," I said. I almost wanna ask about those "personal matters" she was discussing with the commander, but that'd be selfish after being vague with her.
"Shall we get on with our days then?" Algerie said.
I nodded, following her out of the meeting room.
"Remember, Jeanie, you're the glory of the Vichya Dominion. You're strong, confident, and beautiful. And if you ever need a shoulder to lean on, you can always come to me," Algerie said.
I nodded. "I appreciate it."
"Have a good day," Algerie said, giving me a smile and a quick hug. "And make sure you take care of the commander, hmm?"
She gave me a wink before departing for whatever she had for today. What was with the wink?
I waited until she was out of sight... and then returned to the meeting room. I found one of the mirrors and stood in front of it.
What am I doing keeping secrets from my friends? It's not helping anyone. Turning away Algerie like that when she just wanted to help? What kind of jerk am I?
I hope none of them know about me visiting the fountain.
Why am I getting bent over a stupid crush? It's just a crush, right? As fleeting as a single wave, reaching its white-watered apex before crashing down into nothing. I sighed. This must be a big wave, then. It'd probably be easy to win him over if I were as pretty as my friends. Even with my makeup and hair done, I can't compare.
What the hell do I even want from this crush? What do I hope to gain? A hug? A kiss? A date to that stupid ball? A permanent partner?
My heart sparked, like a campfire popping, as if to confirm what I just said. It wanted all the above. I wanted all the above. Just feeling the commander's hand on my chest that one time was enough to make me swoon. His embrace must be so warm. His lips must be so tender.
Ugh! What am I thinking? What's happening to me? Thinking about all this sappy, mushy bullcrap... but I can't deny how much I want it. And knowing I might never have it... it's tearing me apart.
Tsk... as if a battleship is meant to be loved anyway. I'm only a weapon. Nothing more.
I studied my reflection. Hmm... it looks like me... so why does it feel like a stranger staring back at me?
"No! Cut the crap!" I said, scolding my reflection. "What happened to not relying on anyone but yourself for strength? This ain't you. You're not a weak, whiny, mopey, insecure little girl. You are Jean Bart. You bear the sacred Iris's name. You want the commander to see you as strong, confident, and beautiful? Then be that! Quit your crying and show him why you're the glory of the Vichya Dominion! Don't wait around for shit to happen! Make it happen! If he likes you back, great. If not... well... at least you can move on. But get some god damn answers so you can stop lying to your friends. And the commander. And yourself. Your emotions do not define you. You're strong. You're confident. You're beautiful. You are Jean Bart. I'm Jean Bart."
I took a deep breath, studying my reflection once more. Upon exhaling, the weight on my shoulders lightened. Not completely, but some of it was lifted away.
"Just be calm," I said. "Just... be calm."
I think a healthy dose of brutal honesty is exactly what I needed. I even feel more awake.
Alright, I need to head back before the commander gets worried. I fixed my hair before walking back to the office. I opened the door... and there he was, pen in hand, writing down God knows what.
I flinched when he looked up at me with that... dazzling smile.
"There you are," he said. "I was about to go looking for you. Everything okay?"
Damn it... why does he have to be so handsome? My heart started beating faster and my cheeks were heating up. I could feel a lump forming in my throat too. So much for that pep talk. My heart ached recalling my dream, but I tried not to let it bother me, no matter how much I wish I had that blood ruby necklace.
Jean... don't let him get to you. Remember... confidence.
I cleared my throat as I went to take a seat next to him.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I said.
"Are you sure?" he asked. "What'd Algerie wanna talk about?"
"Personal stuff," I said. "You don't need to worry about it. Let's get through this paperwork. By the way, good job being on-time today. Keep it up."
He stared for a moment. I know I changed the subject abruptly there, but I don't wanna dwell on my baggage right now. Like I told Algerie, when I'm ready to talk about it, I will. For now, I need to focus on regaining my inner strength and confidence.
"Thanks," he said. "Oh, I have some good news."
"Do you?" I asked. "What's up?"
He nodded. "Akashi came in while you were out. She said repair parts for you and Shoukaku should be in tomorrow."
Hmph... today's starting to look up after all.
"About time," I said. "Let's schedule some Iris exercises for tomorrow, then. I've been itching for some action."
"Sure thing," he said. "I'll make a note of that. Let's get through a few more reports and then go for patrol."
"Sounds like a plan," I said, focusing my attention on the document in front of me.
It's not so hard to talk to him when I don't let him destroy my confidence. I know he doesn't mean to, but it's just the effect he has on me. Confidence is key. That's all I have to remember. I can't be a basket case. I can't let the commander see the weak, crying, insecure Jean Bart from last night. He needs to know me as the strong, impassive battleship I am. That I know I am.
A/N: Happy Halloween. I know this is a lackluster chapter after making y'all wait for so long. This is about the 5th or 6th attempt for this chapter (idk, I lost count). The previous ideas I started and then they never went anywhere without being awkward or forced. I had to rework the outline, but I think I have a decent plan going forward. And there's some great stuff later on I have planned too. Sorry again for making you wait so long for something lackluster. Next chapter will be better, and expect some action coming up soon, even though I can't write action for shit lol.
Also, if you're a fellow American, please vote. Our country depends on it, and the GOP are doing everything they can to suppress votes so they win (because they know they're in deep shit). Election day is gonna be such a shitshow.
Sorry, that's as political as I'll get, but I had to get that out because it's embarrassing to be an American right now.
Have a safe Halloween, everyone. Cheers.