Chapter 20

The next few weeks passed far too quickly for anyone's comfort. Clarke was dreading Lexa leaving, Lexa was dreading leaving Clarke, and her friends who had overhead Clarke's previous plan were terrified to let her out of their sight. The night before Lexa left, neither Clarke nor Lexa slept much. They spent it holding each other, talking, an occasional kiss, but mostly just enjoying the feeling of being held by the other, taking comfort from the other's arms and dreading the rising sun. They didn't make a big show of Lexa leaving, a simple reminder that they'd see the other in one month and a grabbing of the other's arm.

No one argued with Clarke sleeping in the Commander's quarters. However, on the first night after Lexa left, her nightmares made an ugly return. Raven helped calm her, but it wasn't quite the same. After that, though, Raven moved her cot into the bedroom.

Raven and Octavia had a hard time giving Clarke space. Even though Clarke had started again rebuilding friendships with others and taking part in Arkadian life, they were never far. Clarke finally made Raven go hang out with Sinclair in the mechanics shop, telling her she would see her later that night. Raven shot daggers at her as Sinclair tried to distract her with a project he was working on. However, later that night, Clarke noticed that Raven seemed a bit more at ease. After that, Raven spent much of the day tinkering in the mechanics shop, coming up with ways to extend radio frequency and whatnot, before coming back to have dinner in the cabin.

Octavia was a bit harder to convince, but Clarke had a plan for that. She decided that Octavia should teach her how to fight. Octavia had scoffed at first, but eventually gave in. Clarke still had hiccups where her mind would not quite work right, but the sparring seemed to help. It also helped her get stronger and put her negative feelings into something.

Her mom had pitched a fit the first time she saw them sparring, especially when Octavia knocked Clarke on her ass, but had come around. Abby had thrown herself into her work to distract her from her worry about her daughter. While Raven, Octavia, Lincoln, Bellamy, and Jasper had heard what she had said the night she finally talked about what happened, none had shared it with anyone else, least of all her mother. It wasn't theirs to share. Clarke made it a point to have lunch with her mother nearly everyday, though her motives weren't completely pure. She planned to leave when Lexa returned in a month and she needed to ease her mother into it. Often, Clarke would end up helping her mom in medical, forcing herself to confront her issues with the room, though she still hated it. She needed her mom to know she would be okay when she left.

She'd occasionally hang out with Jasper, Monty, Harper, and Miller, enjoying the way they acted normal around her. It was nice to just hang out with them without there being a life or death situation going on. Jasper's way of dealing with his loss and anger was to just try to push it from his mind. He'd spent months and months spiraling, hating himself and those around him. He'd still occasionally get a dark look in his eyes, but generally pushed it down. He and Monty had also had it out several times and he found that it ended up being cathartic.

The one person who seemed to be avoiding Clarke was Bellamy, yet she knew he still slept under her window every night. He wasn't rude or anything, but always had something urgent that he needed to do or get to when she'd try to talk to him. It hurt a bit.

About two weeks after Lexa left, Clarke decided to she needed to have a one on one conversation with him. She woke up before he did; she was still having nightmares almost every night, but they were the kind that stayed in her head and didn't wake her friends. They still usually woke her, often just as the sun rose.

She got ready for the day before asking Octavia and Lincoln to give her space. Octavia thought about arguing, but she was supposed to be learning to trust Clarke again.

"You won't leave the camp?" Clarke wasn't sure if Octavia was asking a question or making an order.

"Actually, I was planning to walk around the lake," Octavia took a deep breath and closed her eyes, trying to calm her initial reaction to what Clarke said. Clarke continued, "I was going to see if Bellamy would join me."

Oh. That made more sense to Octavia; she'd seen the way Bellamy had started receding into himself, separating himself from all of them. She understood what he was doing: he was being her stupid big brother who got so lost in his own mind and emotions. She hadn't been able to pull him back, but maybe Clarke could. She nodded to Clarke.

Clarke came outside just as Bellamy was walking away from the cabin.

"Bellamy!" she called out as she walked up to him. He stopped and gave her a sad smile.

"Hey, Clarke, I'm just going to meet Miller," he said as he turned to start walking away.

"Bellamy, wait!" she ran up to him again, getting in front of him, "I'm going for a walk."

She knew that would get a response for him; she knew he had heard everything she'd said to Lexa. That was about the time he started acting weird. His face grew hard, a hint of concern on it. She could read Bellamy easily.

"With Octavia and Lincoln," he stated.

"No, I was going to go by myself," she said and then turned as his eyes got a bit wider and the worry more evident. He didn't think, he just followed her.

"Clarke, I don't think it's a good idea for you to go for a walk by yourself," his emphasis on walk wasn't lost on her. She approached the gate and Bellamy looked on in shock as Lincoln actually opened it for her.

"You're just going to let her go wander off by herself?" Bellamy asked Lincoln with a glare.

Lincoln just shrugged and wondered if the vein in Bellamy's neck might burst.

"I can go for a walk by myself, Bellamy," Clarke said, rolling your eyes, "If you're so worried about it, come with me." She also shrugged and then walked out the gate.

Bellamy's exasperation couldn't have been more obvious as he followed her out the gate, shooting Lincoln with another glare.

About a quarter of the way around the lake, he finally spoke, "Where are you going, Clarke?" There was a hard edge to his voice that she chose to ignore.

"Oh, just over to those trees over there," she said pointing to said trees.

They made it the trees, Bellamy with a sour expression the whole way. Clark sat down in front of a felled tree and laid back against it. She didn't look at Bellamy, instead looking back over the lake. It wasn't the same spot she and Lexa had stopped, but it still reminded her of it and made her miss Lexa.

"Careful, Bellamy. I might just take off running," she said as she laid her head back against the log and closed her eyes for a moment, giving him time to answer. When he didn't, she looked at him, "Sit down, Bellamy."

He sighed and then sat down next to her. He didn't look at her, choosing to stare out over the lake. Finally, after long minutes, he spoke, "Are you planning to run, Clarke?"

Clarke looked at him, "No, I'm not planning to run. I much prefer walking."

He clenched his jaw; she was purposely pushing his buttons. He knew it and he knew that she knew it was working. She decided to get to the point, "Why are you avoiding me?"

"I'm not avoiding you-," he started before she gave him a look that told him she knew better than that. He sighed and lay back against the log, "Do you remember how you felt when we got back from Mount Weather?" She looked down for a second before he continued, "You looked at our people and saw what you'd done. Except for you, what you, what we, did was necessary and it saved our people. I get that now, except it's when I look at you. Only, I didn't save anyone."

Clarke could understand that, but they didn't make it correct, "But you saved me. You got me out of there." She wasn't looking at him again when she spoke.

Bellamy finally looked at her, his pain plain to see, "You were there because of me. I supported Pike, I helped him become Chancellor. I'm responsible for what happened to you." His voice held his emotions, his eyes filling with unshed tears.

Clarke let him have a few moments before she spoke, "Did you know he was keeping me in the dropship? Did you know what they were doing?" Her voice had a hard edge. She'd talked about it with Lexa, but she hadn't broached the subject since.

Bellamy looked like she had just stabbed him as he quickly said, "No! If I had known you were there…I would have never let them hurt you." Did she still think that he had been involved? That he would see or know that was happening and not do something?

Clarke nodded, still not looking at him, before quietly saying, "I know." His face held slight relief. Then she continued, "I know you couldn't have known because you couldn't know about something like that and not put a stop to it. I know that, but the things they did and the things they said…I never doubted you or your love for me until I saw you enter the dropship."

Bellamy's face fell again, "Clarke, I only acted the way I did in the dropship to convince them. I would have died and tried taking them out with me before I ever did anything to hurt you." He let his tears fall, the fear that she still somehow thought he was involved killing him.

She looked at him then and said plainly, "I know."

He looked at her confused.

"You did everything in your power to get me out, including turning Pike over and tricking Johnson and Dirks into thinking you were on their side. As soon as you knew, you took action. So, how are you responsible for what they did?" she wouldn't let him look away. From her. From the truth of her words.

"If I hadn't supported him…" he said quietly, but imploringly.

"I still might have ended up in that dropship, only you would have been out with the rebels in the woods believing I had stayed in Polis. Pike would have never trusted you enough to show you that he had me. You didn't elect him by yourself, Bellamy. Maybe he wouldn't have gotten elected, maybe he would have, but you wouldn't have been able to save me. Lexa would have eventually launched a war, the grounders would have won, and then you'd have found out I wasn't in Polis. By then, I would have been gone."

Bellamy wanted to argue, his own guilt still very much present. He clenched his jaw again, leaning forward, before saying, "How am I supposed to stop feeling this way?"

Clarke glanced back over at him for a moment, "If you ever figure it out, let me know so I can, too."

He made a "humph" sound. For whatever reason, that made what she said finally resonate with him, but he still grasped at his guilt. They sat in silence for a bit longer.

"Are you planning on walking away, Clarke?" He finally asked.

"You heard me in the cabin," she stated, "You heard everything." She wasn't asking if he had, he noted, she was stating it. He gave a nod at the lake knowing she would see it even as she kept looking out over the water. "Are you planning on avoiding me forever?" He clenched his jaw again at her question.

"Every time I see you, I'm wondering if you're planning an escape. I'm terrified that you will and the next I'll see you is when they bring your body back…if they ever find it. The whole time you were gone before, I was terrified that I was going to see a party return with you dead. I can't go through that again, Clarke."

She took a deep breath. She and Bellamy were so different, but also so similar. In most ways they were complimentary, but they had both tried to cut the other out so they would risk less pain.

They sat again for long minutes before Clarke spoke, "I won't ever do that again. I swear to you. But I need my best friend back."

He took let out a deep sigh before giving her a small, still sad, smile, lifting his arm and putting it around her. She leaned against his side, enjoying the closeness of her best friend.

"You knew I would follow you," he said a few minutes later.

She lifted her head and smiled at him, "Did you just now figure that out?"

He chuckled, the sound and feeling surprising him, but it felt nice, especially with her smiling back up at him, "No, I figured it out about a quarter of the way up here."

Then they talked. Nothing heavy again, just talking about what was going on in Arkadia or the coalition. Clarke told him that she planned on going to Polis when Lexa returned, which caused him to tense for a minute before he relaxed.

"You should come with us when we go. There are people from all the different clans there; Skaikru should be there, too," she said after a moment.

"Do you really think Lexa would let me come?" his tone was somewhere between hopeful and sarcastic.

"If I insisted, I think she might," she said with a slight smile.

"I get the impression you could convince Lexa to do just about anything," he said, again half-teasing, half-serious. He frowned again, "You never did tell me how that happened."

Clarke chuckled, "Oh, you know. Girl meets girl. Girl gets betrayed and left for dead by girl. Girl tries to assassinate girl for that betrayal. The usual."

Bellamy looked down at her with a bemuse expression, "You tried to assassinate Lexa?"

It wasn't really something to smile about, but Clarke smiled and then said, "Twice."

Bellamy actually laughed, not sure if she was joking, but finding even funnier if she wasn't.

"Okay," he finally said, "you need to tell me the whole story."

So, she did.