CHAPTER NINE
SWEET DREAMS
It was one of those rare days without rain, the sun was high in the sky spreading warmth yet the wind was freezing. It didn't feel like summer in England, it was more like autumn. Grace hugged herself in an attempt to block out the cold as she stood outside. Alex didn't look like he was bothered by the weather, he had spent more time than her there and he was used to it by now. Things were still a little awkward between them but Grace decided to forgive him eventually. After all it wasn't his fault that she ended up in a situation like this.
When he arrived that morning to bring the groceries he asked if she wanted to take a walk with him to get some fresh air, of course she knew that she was not allowed to leave Brahms alone but when he told her of their destination she instantly followed. She didn't know where Brahms was at that moment so she decided to follow his example and leave him a note. It honestly felt good to be outside after so long, even the cold wind felt good.
The beautiful meadow, which was their destination, was only ten minutes away from the manor so she technically did not break any rules. It was such a beautiful spot for camping or a picnic and yet as she stood there looking at the white marble stone in the grass she was filled with sadness.
BRAHMS HEELSHIRE 1/12/1991 – 13/5/1999
It felt so strange standing above the grave of the child she was babysitting. Alex told her that they never found a body in the fire so the grave was empty, it was more like a monument his parents built to honor his memory. It was sad seeing the child's grave knowing his soul never found peace, he was still clinging to this place torturing himself and his parents. Sometimes she wondered if he was aware that he was dead. What was keeping his soul here?
I usually come here every month with Mr. Heelshire, we clean the grave and bring flowers, Alex explained. It must be hard for Mr. Heelshire, she thought. He wasn't fond of the doll but it was the only way to keep his son with them. She couldn't even understand what was the connection between Brahms and the doll.
What about Mrs. Heelshire? She asked him.
She never comes here, was all he said. She could imagine why, she behaved as if her son never died and acted like he was still her eight year old boy. After twenty years she was still in denial, of course she would refuse to visit his grave. When Alex told her where they were going she decided to pick a few flowers from the garden, she was sure Mr. Heelshire wouldn't mind. She helped Alex to get the dirt off the marble stone and when it was clean she placed the flowers around it like a halo. She wondered if he could sense her there, if he had any connection with that grave at all.
This time they took their time to walk back to the manor. Grace hoped she had not upset Brahms by leaving the house for such a short time or because she was with Alex. He would act strange lately every time Alex would come over, he was never really mad at her but he would keep an attitude for sometime. Speaking of attitude the first thing she noticed when she walked into the house was that the note she had left for him was torn in pieces on the floor. She sighed as she picked up the pieces of torn paper from the floor and threw them in the trash can.
Brahms? I'm back home, she called out but there no answer. She heard the back door and she saw Alex walking into the kitchen.
Is everything okay? He asked her,
Yes, he's just upset because I left, she explained and Alex nodded in understanding.
I know, it's against the rules. I was hoping he wouldn't notice you were gone, he said apologetically. Oh if he only knew, of course he would notice she was gone. He was with her all day and sometimes at nights too, he had become her shadow lately, literally.
It's okay, I'm sure he will understand why I left, she reassured him. She made coffee for both of them and they went outside to the garden. Alex helped her clean outside, it had been raining for weeks nonstop and the garden was a mess. They cleaned the traps together and her mind traveled back to that day they were going to explore the attic.
Alex, I wanted to ask you about something, she said gaining his attention.
About what? He said stopping what he was doing and turning to look at her,
What happened that day in the attic? She asked him curiously. He lowered his eyes for a moment and he looked skeptical. She knew he would not lie this time, there was no point now that she knew the truth anyway.
He was there… he started hesitantly. He looked like he wasn't sure how to continue and she tried to encourage him.
Why did he made such a mess up there? She asked willing him to explain further,
He hates that place, I guess it brings back bad memories to him. I think he was trying to communicate with you but he scared you and things went wrong… He was mostly mad at himself for scaring you I think. He talked to me that day, you know. I have never talked to him directly… he said looking lost in his thoughts.
Why didn't you tell me what was happening that day? Why didn't you tell me about him? She asked him,
He would kill me if I did, he said laughing and she wasn't sure if he was joking.
Grace, if you were really in danger I would have told you right then and there. When he talked to me that day he promised me he wouldn't hurt you. Even when you didn't follow his rules he wasn't mad at you but he was trying to show you that he was there and he wanted you to take care of him like his mother did, he explained. It was sad to think about it, he was in that state, half dead – half alive for so many years and he was still seeking for affection, he longed to feel accepted.
When they were done with the garden Alex left to go help his father at their shop. Grace walked back into the house, the sun bathed the interior and even inside the house everything looked different. She wished Brahms could come with her outside, she wished they could enjoy the sun together and play hide and seek in the garden. It was such a beautiful day to stay inside yet she knew she couldn't leave him alone, she was his only company.
BRAHMS IS NEVER TO LEAVE
She remembered the rule and she wondered if there was an actual reason he could not leave the house or it was simply by choice. Perhaps he was just too scared to leave his house after… what happened to him. Maybe he was afraid of the world outside. But she wanted him to enjoy that day with her and she decided to find him and find out the reason he was not allowed to leave. She went upstairs to his room only to find that his door was locked. He had never done this before and she was worried that she had upset him.
Brahms? She called for him knocking on the door but there was no answer.
Brahms please open the door, she said trying to get a response from him.
What do you want? His voice came from inside the room and she had to hold her laugh at hearing the stubbornness in his tone.
I want you to come outside with me, it's such a beautiful day today, she said trying to lure him out of his room.
You can go outside with Alex if you're bored here with me, he answered making her roll her eyes.
I want to go outside with you, she told him. He would always get upset when Alex would come over since the day he broke that glass ornament in the living room, why he was mad at him she couldn't imagine but she would find out. He didn't answer immediately and she knew he was thinking about it.
I can't go outside, he finally said.
You can't or you don't want to? She asked trying to understand the reason he was not allowed to leave.
Mommy says I should not go outside, he said in a sad voice and it gave her hope that maybe the rule was just Mrs. Heelshire's overprotective nature that didn't let him go out.
But she's not here right now Brahms, she won't know and we won't tell her, she suggested.
You should not break the rules Grace, you left me alone today, he said and she could hear the hidden warning in his voice but she ignored him. Those damn rules again, it was a stupid thing.
Do you know where I was? She asked him.
You were with Alex, he said in an accusing tone,
We went to the meadow to clean… the grave and bring flowers, she said hesitantly. She refused to say YOUR grave, it sounded so wrong while talking to him. He did not respond for a long time and she was worried that she might have said something wrong.
Father usually goes there, he brings my favorite flowers, he finally said in a quiet voice.
Will you come with me to the garden? It would be a shame to waste such a beautiful day inside the house. I'm sure your mother would not mind, she tried to convince him.
Okay, he finally said making her smile. Moments later she heard a click and she knew he had unlocked the door for her. She walked inside the room and she found the doll sitting in the rocking chair by the window. She picked him up in her arms and grabbed a jacket for him from the hanger, she didn't know if he could feel the cold but she put it on the doll anyway.
I'm sure you will enjoy sitting outside today, you've been inside for so long. It's not wrong enjoying things that make us feel good, he said smiling at the doll.
She walked outside with him in her arms and she took a seat at the beautiful brown swing that was surrounded by white roses, she knew they were his favorites. Every morning she would wake up she would find a rose with a note on her nightstand, he would write poems from the books she would read to him. She found it sweet and she thanked him every time by reading a book of his choice. He had found a way to show her which one he wanted by leaving a bookmark on the book.
She enjoyed feeling the warmth of the sun as she rocked herself on the swing. She started humming a sweet lullaby, she remembered her father's voice as he put her to sleep. She felt so peaceful in that moment that she wanted to stay there forever. She stayed there with the doll in her arms until the sun was covered by dark clouds and she felt raindrops wetting her face. She got up from the swing and walked back inside, summertime was over, she thought.
It wasn't so bad now, was it? She asked the doll playfully. Her answer came from upstairs, where she heard the piano. As she walked up the stairs she recognized the melody and she smiled, it was the lullaby she was humming moments ago. She opened the door to the library and entered the dark room, this time he didn't stop playing. She took a seat on the floor still holding the doll in her arms and just listened to the melody closing her eyes.
You always surprise me, his voice came from the darkness and she opened her eyes. Her mind traveled with the melody and she didn't realized he had stopped.
Is that a bad thing? She asked him l,
No, he said giggling.
Brahms, I have a question, she told him suddenly.
Tell me, he said curiously. She hesitated for a moment trying to find how to find the words she was looking for.
Can you see others? I mean people who are… gone, she said refusing to use the word dead, she hoped he would understand what she meant. She was surprised when she heard another giggle from him.
No, you silly. I'm not dead, I'm still here, how could I see them? He asked playfully,
Oh I see, was all she said. She felt wetness in her eyes and she quickly wiped her tears. She didn't know what she was expecting to hear but she was somewhat disappointed by his answer. He might not be fully aware that he was dead, she realized and she decided not to ask any more questions about that subject.
Do you miss your family Grace? He asked quietly as if he has just realized the meaning behind her question.
Yes, I miss them so much. I miss them every day, she said swallowing hard. She felt more tears coming and she closed her eyes tightly.
I'm here for you now, I can be your family. You won't be alone anymore, you have me now, he said surprising her with his words. It amazed her how childlike he was acting a moment ago and then talking so maturely.
Will you play for me Brahms? She asked him trying to distract herself, his words only brought more tears in her eyes and she hugged the doll trying to find some comfort.
Of course, he said happily and he started playing one melody after another. She closed her eyes and allowed herself to get lost in the sound of the sweet music.
That night he surprised when she walked into the kitchen and she found the dinner was ready. She noticed a note on the kitchen table and she picked it up, ' I made something special for you tonight, I hope you like it' she read and looked down at the food. He knew she was sad after the conversation they had earlier in the library and she appreciated that he was trying to make her feel better.
When she was done she headed to the living room and found the doll sitting on the couch with a book and a blanket in his lap. She took a seat on the couch as well and picked up the book, she covered them both with the blanket before she start reading. She was surprised by his choice this time, she had come to learn that he loved books about poetry, adventures and even science but tonight he chose romance. She didn't think much of it and she continued reading.
That night she had the strangest dream. She dreamed that she was in the garden, it was summer and she was wearing a white dress. She was looking happily at a little boy playing and running around. She looked at his face and she instantly recognized him.
Sam! She called out to him and he turned smiling at her. Oh how much she had missed his sweet smile, it had been so many years since she seen that smile. He motion for her to follow him and she did, she chased him around the garden and they laughed together. When he turned back to her again his face was different, he was no longer her brother but another familiar face.
Brahms? She called him and he ran over to her hugging her waist.
Don't let them take me Grace, he cried. She looked ahead and she saw many children surrounding them. He held her tightly and cried, she picked him up in her arms and stepped back. She had to hide him. She ran back into the house and the children followed them, she ran up the stairs and tried to open a door, any door but they were all locked. She looked around frantically until she noticed the ladder of the attic. Not there! She screamed inside her head but she let him from her arms.
Run up there! Hide! She told him, it was as if she was watching another person doing it. She screamed to herself again and again not to let him go into the attic but she watched him climb up and the ladder was pulled up to the ceiling.
You'll be safe there, she thought but they weren't her thoughts.
No! He will die there! She screamed but it was too late. She looked back at the children behind her and she pushed past them running. She ran down the stairs and out of the house. She watched in horror the house suddenly burst into flames and she screamed until she couldn't breathe. She fell into the grass sobbing. She did this. She had killed him. She knew what would happen and she let him go there. She felt someone caressing her hair but she couldn't take her eyes off the burning house.
It's okay, a voice whispered in her ear. She shook her head, how could he tell her it was okay?
It's okay, I'm right here with you now, the voice whispered again but she couldn't see anyone. That awful familiar smell hit her nose and she sobbed even harder, she knew very well that smell. It was the smell of burning flesh. He was burning.
Brahms! She screamed his name as if that would save him.
I'm right here Grace, don't be afraid. It's just a bad dream, the voice told her.
A dream. It was a dream she repeated to herself. She had to wake up. He whispered comforting words in her ear and she was trying to concentrate on his voice. It wasn't a voice she recognized but it brought her comfort.
It's just a dream, he whispered again and again and she felt herself rocking back and forth. Someone was holding her. She didn't care who, she just wanted to escape that awful nightmare. He caressed her face and kissed her hair and she realized then that the awful smell was fading away. Everything was fading away, the burning house, the children, it was all gone. It was just him holding her, comforting her. She couldn't see anything anymore, there was only darkness but she wasn't scared. She felt safe in his arms, he held her tightly until she stopped crying.
You are safe now, he whispered one last time kissing her forehead. Yes, she was safe. The nightmare was over. She felt him fading away too and tried to hold on to him, afraid that if he left her she would return back to the burning house. No matter how hard she tried to keep him close he disappeared. The warmth of his arms faded and she felt cold. She was alone in the darkness now.
Grace opened her eyes slowly, she felt died tears on her face and she was still breathing hard. It was only a nightmare, she told herself trying to calm her breathing. She blinked and starred up at the ceiling of her room. She had dreamed of her brother Sam, she had dreamed of Brahms. But the voice… she didn't recognize that voice but it wasn't the first time she had heard it in her dreams. She would hear it every time she was having a nightmare but it was only a voice without a face.
Who was she dreaming of?