10.
Natsuki and Nao were walking to the campus from Natsuki's apartment. It wasn't far, and it was actually a nice day, so Natsuki decided to forgo taking her motorcycle.
"So, Kuga, what's it like, being a lesbian," Natsuki looked sternly at Nao, but the girl's voice was actually pensive and uncertain, rather than her usual mocking tone.
"I think what you really mean is, 'what's it like being in a relationship?', because honestly, I don't know if I consider myself a lesbian."
A wicked smile played across Nao's face, "You're sleeping with another girl, Kuga. In every sense of the word. So unless there's another definition to 'lesbian' that I'm currently unaware of…" She trailed off, "Or is this 'experimenting'?"
Natsuki shook her head, "If you're asking, am I getting a feel for whether or not I like this, and if I decide I don't, I'll drop Shizuru, the answer is a flat-out 'no'.
"But what I meant was, I don't have the sorts of feelings for other girls that I have for Shizuru. I mean, I was capable of sexual feelings, but I never associated them with girls."
"What, so you're bi?"
Natsuki shook her head, "I'm not sure that's right, either. But I'm not really an expert on these sorts of things. Look, if a guy saw me naked, I'd get flustered and embarrassed. But if a girl saw me naked, I would still get flustered and embarrassed. Remind me to tell you another time about the time Mai thought I was making out with Takeda."
Nao grinned salaciously, "Why not tell me now?"
"First, because you're only sixteen, and I won't be accused of contributing to the delinquency of a delinquent."
"Fine talk coming from the former queen of ditching class."
"Accent on 'former'," Natsuki reminded her, "And I had my reasons. But Second, you're not asking me this out of curiosity about my personal life. You're asking because you've got questions about yourself, and you're trying to figure them out in a roundabout way."
Nao looked at her a moment, then faced forward again, "I suppose you're right. But…when did you know? What you were? What you wanted?"
"Honestly? I don't know if I've worked it out yet, myself. I was so caught up with my whole 'avenge my mother's death' bit, I actively refused to consider any romantic possibilities at all.
"And during the Festival, I was made to think that Shizuru had betrayed me in the worst possible way. And it took a bit of time to sort that out, but when I did, I realized, the whole thing hadn't upset me because I'd believed a girl had done that to me. It had upset me because I'd believed that someone I loved and trusted had done that to me."
"And shortly after the two of us came back to life…I had rejected the idea of our love being romantic in nature simply because we were about to die, and there was no time for romance. Our love was Philia."
Nao blinked in confusion.
"It's from a book by a British author. C.S. Lewis, called The Four Loves. He says that there's four kinds of love; Storge, which is the empathic bonds of family love and affection, Philia, which is deep friendship, Eros, which is romantic love, and Agape, which is perfect, unconditional love. Before we died, my love for Shizuru was Philia. While she'd made it very clear that hers for me was Eros."
"Okay, I think I follow."
"And when we came back from the dead, well, there I was, facing the fact that I had a life ahead of me, and I came to the conclusion that I did love Shizuru romantically. And also that she's the only person I've ever felt that way about.
"Listen, if, God forbid, something took Shizuru from me tomorrow, would I ever love anyone romantically ever again? And if I did, would it be a guy? A girl? I have no way of knowing. And frankly, I wouldn't want to try to find out."
"I see," Nao looked down.
"So, are you asking me because there's someone you like? Romantically?"
Nao shook her head, "No. And that's the problem I wanted to talk to you about, really.
"I've been a bit of a misandrist, after what happened to Mama," Nao said.
"To put it lightly," Natsuki replied.
"But seeing you working to rebuild your relationship with your Dad after he reached out, and seeing him and Mama…I guess you could say I've decided that's a bit unreasonable."
"Okay. But?"
"But I don't feel that way about any of the guys I know. And I don't feel anything when I see Tokiha with Tate. Or her brother with the crossdressing ninja girl. Or Sister with Ishigami. And watching Higurashi with that Kurauchi guy just gives me diabetes."
"That's a universal response to those two," Natski smiled.
"But I also don't have any feelings for any of the girls that I know, either. But I see you and Fujino together, and you're both happy, despite everything that you've been through to get there and I just wonder…if that's the way I lean? Or maybe it's just because I played a part in your history that the two of you inspire me."
Natsuki did something unexpected at that point. She reached over, and hugged Nao.
"Nao, I don't know how much this will mean, coming from me, but you're perfectly normal."
She released the hug and continued walking, "Look, you don't feel that way right now, because much like me, you didn't bother with feelings of romance while you were on your vengeance kick. Unlike me, you didn't have anyone to support you. You didn't have a Shizuru, or a Mai, or a Mikoto. Or, and heaven help me for saying this, even a Takeda. Annoying as he was, the guy did have genuine feelings, and so I tried to let him down gently.
"But the thing is, you don't have to feel that way about anyone right now. Maybe you'll find someone when you go to college. Or maybe you'll get a job and meet someone at work. Or, maybe you'll never find someone who you love romantically, but you can keep working as a nun and offer people other kinds of love. Maybe you'll meet a guy who's just so earnest and genuine that he blows all of your previous notions out of the water and you fall head over heels. Or maybe it'll be another woman. Or maybe it'll be a teasing friend who steals kisses from you in the dark and tries to discreetly follow you while you have serious conversations about matters of relationships with troubled kohai to see if you're giving good advice," Natsuki turned meaningfully to look at a stand of trees along the walkway.
"Natsuki, ikezu!" a voice said from behind a tree.
"The point being, you'll find the right person when it's time," Natsuki returned to Nao, "And if you decide that you don't want to be romantic with anyone, that's perfectly fine, too."
"You think so?"
"Sure. Besides, quantum mechanics tells us that out there somewhere, there's an infinite number of worlds where there are infinite possibilities. There could be worlds where Shizuru and I were always together. Or a world where Mai and I were fighting over Tate. Or even, and I shudder at the thought, a world where I actually go out with that idiot Takeda. Right now, you're pure potential. What you do with it is entirely up to you, right?"
"Thanks, Kuga. That actually does help."
The two continued on to Fuuka Academy, basking in the warmth of a spring day.