"That sounds…really annoying, Leenie," said Damian, slowly. He and his father had returned to Wayne Manor after Batman had called his mechanic to tow the Batmobile, which was clearly going to be out of action for a little while. Damian immediately headed for his room to change out of the Robin costume, and that was when Arleen had called to tell him that Batman had destroyed her flour baby.
"I know it wasn't a real baby, but it's still upsetting to me," she said. "And J.J. doesn't care that I'm upset. He doesn't see me at all right now – he can't see anything but our Aunt Ivy's daughter, Rose, who he's gone completely gaga for. It's honestly the weirdest thing I've ever seen – do you think all boys go through a pathetic, drooling stage at the sight of an attractive woman?"
"Well, I haven't yet," said Damian. "But no promises that I won't go that way over you."
"You're funny, Damian," said Arleen, smiling at what she thought was a joke. "And talking to you cheers me up, which God knows I need. I mean, Batman killing my flour baby means I'm failing that assignment – what if that F impacts my grades so I don't get into college? You think I could sue Batman?"
"I don't know how you'd sue him if you don't know who he is," said Damian. "But don't worry, Leenie. This assignment isn't weighted that heavily – I think Ms. Craig knows people don't really want homework over vacation. And you're a great student. Any college in the country would be lucky to have you."
"I guess it is a long way off to worry about that yet," said Arleen. "I'm sure by the time I'm applying for colleges, I'll laugh about this whole incident. If there's one thing our family is good at, it's laughing at things."
"Yeah. Wish that was my family trait," sighed Damian.
"Anyway, Daddy and I are gonna make Batman pay for what he did," said Arleen. "I'll let you know what we come up with. You should join us on a scheme one day – it's really fun humiliating the Batman. The guy simply cannot take a joke."
"Tell me about it," muttered Damian. A knock came on his door, and he said, hastily, "I gotta go, Leenie – talk to you soon."
He hung up just as Bruce Wayne strode into his room. "Who were you talking to?" he asked.
"A friend from school," said Damian. "And I've asked you not to enter before I say you can, Dad. Teenagers need privacy."
"So you were talking to a girl, is that what you mean?" asked Bruce. "You know, I'm happy to give you any advice you need in that department…"
"Thanks, but I don't need billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne's advice on talking to girls," interrupted Damian. "I'm trying to make a real, sincere connection with them, not keep them at arm's length to protect my secret identity."
Bruce was taken aback by the hostility in his voice. "You're upset about what happened tonight," he guessed. "Your first mission as Robin, and we're humiliated by the Joker. It's hardly going to go down as Batman's finest hour…"
"It's not that, Dad," interrupted Damian. "I'm actually glad they got away. They hadn't done anything wrong, and we never should have confronted them in the first place. You're just paranoid about anything relating to the Joker…"
"Yes, I am," interrupted Batman. "And with good reason. He's hurt…a lot of people close to me. I don't want him hurting you."
Damian was silent. "Ivy's daughter, Rose – you met her before?" he asked at last. "You seemed to know her."
Bruce nodded. "I knew her," he said. "She's Harvey's daughter too. She came here to Wayne Manor a few times and we became…close. She has a limited lifespan of a year, and I was there when she…died the first time. I wasn't aware Ivy could grow her back until tonight, but I'm glad she did. Rose is a sweet, gentle, innocent girl, but she won't remain that way long if she hangs around with the Joker twins. I wish I could have saved her, along with them."
"I know. You want to save everyone," murmured Damian. "But you can't, Dad. You've got to give people the freedom to live their own lives. And make mistakes, and do the wrong thing…"
"Not at the expense of other people, I don't," interrupted Bruce. "Nobody has the right to harm others for their own selfish gain, or amusement, in the Joker's case. Nobody has the right to take another person's life for any reason. I know your mother doesn't believe that, so you might not have been taught that for the first half of your life…"
"Leave Mom out of this," interrupted Damian. "Oh, that's right, you always do," he muttered, glaring up at him.
"What is the matter with you?" demanded Bruce. "If not the failed mission, then what? Are you upset that Dick and Tim aren't coming home for Christmas?"
"No, are you?" asked Damian. "Do you actually care if you see either of them?"
"Is that what this is about?" asked Bruce. "You think I don't care about them, or you? I wouldn't have made any of you Robin if that were true!"
"Oh, you care about your Robins?" demanded Damian. "Because dragging underage kids into dangerous situations is a really funny way of showing you care. And then just barking orders at them, not listening to them…"
"My orders are to keep you alive!" shouted Bruce. "I lost Jason because he didn't listen to my orders, because he thought he knew better than me! I won't lose you too!"
"Maybe you lost Jason because you didn't listen to him!" snapped Damian. "Did you ever think about that?! He was too impulsive for you, too reckless and disturbed and angry, and so rather than trying to figure out what was going on with him, you just gave up on him! You distanced yourself from him and turned your back on him rather than trying to understand him! And I can see you doing the same thing to me if I become too difficult for you to handle! That's what I'm afraid of, Dad! You're a hero, and you have impossibly high standards to live up to! And I feel like if I don't live up to those…you won't love me anymore."
"Damian…" began Bruce, but his eyes suddenly fell on Damian's flour baby. "This is…the same one the Joker girl had," he said, seizing it. "Ms. Craig, Health Class, 6th period," he read. "That's what the Joker girl had written on hers."
He looked up at Damian. "You said you hadn't met her, but she's a classmate of yours? And you were…talking to someone called Leenie on the phone when I came in…"
"You're eavesdropping on me now?" demanded Damian. "Why don't you just bug my room like you bug everything else in this city?"
"Don't you dare pretend to be the wronged party here!" snapped Bruce. "You lied to me about knowing the Joker girl!"
"Of course I did!" shouted Damian. "What did you want me to say? 'Hey Batman, those are my best friends from school, so maybe don't attack them?!'"
"Your…best friends?" repeated Bruce, aghast. "The Joker's children are your…best friends?! Are you insane?!"
"No, they're fun kids to hang out with!" shouted Damian.
"Their father is the Joker!" yelled Bruce.
"And I bet they don't live in fear of disappointing him!" retorted Damian.
"How could they?!" shouted Bruce. "The Joker has no standards, no morals, no expectations – he probably doesn't care what kinda people his children turn out to be as long as they're happy!"
"And what's so wrong about that?!" demanded Damian.
Bruce was too angry to respond – he stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him. "Sir, this house is built upon a cave, and as such its foundations are very fragile," commented Alfred, who was heading toward Damian's room with a tray of hot cocoa. "Please do not bang doors unnecessarily."
"Alfred, did you know Damian's best friends at school are the Joker twins?" demanded Bruce.
"No, sir, I did not," replied Alfred, his face imperturbable as ever. "How very unusual. But then I suppose if they're anything like their father, it makes a nice change for him from your generally serious and somewhat brooding demeanor."
"It's not a joke, Alfred!" exclaimed Bruce. "How am I supposed to raise my son right when his peers are those immoral hooligans?!"
"Sir, I may not have all the answers, but one thing I do know is that the more you tell young people not to do something, the more they want to do it," retorted Alfred. "If you're really concerned about Master Damian's friends, you need to speak to him calmly and rationally about why you find them so unsuitable. But you can't control him – you can only hope that he loves and respects you enough as a parent to respect your wishes. And if I might say so, one does not earn love and respect as a parent by shouting and banging doors. Did your father ever do anything of the kind?"
"Leave my father out of this!" snapped Bruce. "My father wouldn't have put up with half the things I put up with from Damian!"
"No, sir," agreed Alfred. "And I doubt he'd put up with half the things I put up with from you."
Bruce glared at him and headed for the stairs. Alfred sighed, knocking on the door to Damian's room.
"Come in," he said.
"I brought you some cocoa, Master Damian," said Alfred. "You must be chilled after your patrol."
"Thanks, Alfred," said Damian, not looking up from his phone.
"Your father tells me you're friends with the Joker twins," commented Alfred, as he put the mug down by his bed.
"Yeah?" said Damian, glaring up at him. "And?"
"Oh, it's none of my business, sir," said Alfred, shrugging. "But if you'll permit me to comment, this might be an ideal way of resolving your Robin dilemma. You can tell your father honestly that you have a conflict of interest that prevents you from taking on that role, and that your personal involvement with the Joker family makes you unsuitable for such a post. That way you can get out of it without breaking his heart."
Damian stared at him. "That's a great idea, Alfred," he murmured. "Why didn't I think of that? I mean, he'll be mad, but he's already mad that I'm friends with them. And then I'll never have to be Robin again!"
Damian's phone beeped, and he looked down at it – it was a text from Arleen: Thanks for talking earlier – you really cheered me up! Daddy and I have got a great scheme hatched too! Batman will never see it coming!
Damian sighed. "Well, maybe just one more time," he muttered.