Hello, everyone!

I'm sorry we took a bit more to update. Thank you to the ones who reached out! Everything is good and we're both healthy, we've just been running around. The only positive is you get more updates close together this week?

Here we go with the chapter. Things are slowly evolving... We do hope you like the direction in which they're headed.

Let us know in the comments what you think! We always, always appreciate them.

The music is here!

-All These Years - Camila Cabello

-Jus tLike You - Emotional Oranges

-Take Me Apart - SYML

-You and Me - Ben Rector

-Seastroke - Wyldest

-The Art of Getting By - Laura Zocca

Chapter 9

She wanted to go home, only she didn't know what that was anymore. The world as she knew it wasn't anymore and she certainly didn't know what to do with the new one. She longed to be able to forgive Gil, because she could see the truth in what Mary and Jerry, but above all, her heart, told her. But she was so scared and did not know how to look at him and not see Winifred and the void he had left when he didn't appear at Matthew's funeral and the rest of the tragedies of her life.

What bothered her the most about seeing Winifred in him was that she wasn't even able to say he had cheated on her; they had never been together. The most she could say was that he'd had sex with Winifred in their special places and, much as it pained her to say, they were also his. To this day, she had no idea how his kisses were. How he expressed his passion. What it felt like to be loved by him. And it ashamed her to say she still wanted to know that, even after all these years. Even more now that she had seen how he ended growing up and maturing. The look of him in the towel that morning, ugh.

**Anne S-C (21:18): I hate you :(

**Cole (21:23): l don't think you hate me. Plus, you're living your best life now. 😘

**Anne S-C (21:25): It's not my best life, Cole. I'm unemployed, homeless and I don't even know what to do with my life. I feel trapped. I don't know what to do with him. We had a huge fight and I ran away until Jerry of all people told me to come back here. And I actually paid him attention.

**Cole (21:26): You are not homeless, as he clearly has no problem receiving you for the time being. You are unemployed, yes, but you hated your job anyway and wanted time to write your book. So write! Look at this thing as an opportunity. And what is it about that fight and Jerry?

**Anne S-C (21:27): After that damn call the gang set up because of you, he wanted to talk about us, what was happening… ugh, I don't even want to repeat it. We said some things we should have said long ago, we both yelled, I stormed off and Jerry steals Diana's phone and gets all older brother on me.

**Cole (21:27): Gilbert Blythe yelled?!

**Anne S-C (21:27): I'm telling you! Huge fight! When have you seen Gilbert Blythe yell?

**Cole (21:27): But everything's better now? Got out your frustrations and will be able to carry on with life?

**Anne S-C (21:27): Maybe if I follow Mary's and Jerry's advice. Ugh. Bad night, Cole. Bad day in general. From the moment I woke up at three in the morning until now, everything has been just so hard.

**Cole (21:28): Want to talk about it? I can call you. I'm next to Roy, so if you're up to two gay men cheering you up, by all means.

"Hey," she said in a low voice, putting on her earphones and watching her dear friends all cuddled up on a sofa, the phone probably propped in the knees of one of them. She still wasn't sure, but she felt everything could be heard on the other side of the walls of the apartment.

"My darling Anne! What happened?" asked Roy in his usual tone, worry darkening his eyes even more than usual. She sighed.

"Everything? Name one thing that could happen to me while living with Gilbert and you're probably right. No sex, mind you, I have enough with Charlie's tactless jokes. I just want to know what to do, really. And I know it's not your place to tell me. But if you have any advice that doesn't involve forgiveness, communication and letting go, I'm all ears because I've heard enough of those already and I do know they'd work, if I were to go down one path. I'm just not sure which one to go down on," she said, getting up and going to the window. It was dusk, now.

"Easy peasy!" said Roy, and Anne looked at him on the screen, snorting at the absurdity of him talking like that. "I'm trying to incorporate lighter words, Anne, so don't laugh," he said. "Can't very well be a primary teacher talking like a highschool literature teacher, so I have to adapt somehow…"

"What's your easy peasy advice, Roy?" said Anne, trying not to smile. Roy was such a dear. Why had he chosen to teach younger kids he couldn't stand was a mystery to her, but that he wanted to learn words so they would understand and like him more was so endearing she couldn't stand it.

"Same as mine, Nan. You just follow what your heart tells you," Cole said, before his boyfriend could say anything.

"Yeah, right. My heart only gets me into trouble, I've been living by reason. It's predictable. It works. The heart got me into this trouble to begin with, remember?"

"Anne Shirley-Cuthbert, stop this nonsense now. You are not a rational being so stop believing that charade," Roy chastised her. She was about to answer when Cole added.

"And go shower, if you actually stormed off I'm sure you were lying down on the floor of a park. Full of dirt, not conducive to getting into bed. You have a pine needle in your hair… there," he motioned to a corner of the screen and Anne squinted to see her tiny image. Yep, only Cole would notice that. She took the pine needle off and let it on the dresser. "And it was evident you had just gotten up. Or were up to something just before we called. Believe me, Charlie was mild with the comments compared to what was crossing my mind," Anne let out a nervous laugh. Because yes, she had just gotten up, but were they up to something? She couldn't tell. Wouldn't say. "Anything you want to confess? Why are you wearing Gilbert's clothes?"

"Is it too evident that the hoodie is his? We all know I use big hoodies... I couldn't find mine and yes, I was still in my pajamas. Marilla's pajamas," she mumbled the end.

"Everyone knew it was his. He bought it when he came last winter, one day we went Christmas shopping and then to grab a drink. The whole gang was there, save for you, and he put it on after he spilled a beer over his sweater," Roy explained. "I remember telling him it looked cozy and Cole here then gifted me a similar one, under the condition I didn't use it out of the house."

"Shit. Of all the things I could have found…" said Anne. She wasn't expecting that.

"That's what I'm telling you. Everyone knew. And Charlie was mild. And I can't even believe you let him see you in that flimsy thing. Is it your purpose to torture him?" Cole insisted, moving a bit so he could hug Roy, who curled in his chest.

"I forgot I was wearing it. And he should be the one concerned about torturing me, walking shirtless should be criminal," she said sitting crossed legged on the bed, more relaxed now that she'd been since Gilbert woke her up in the afternoon.

"Do tell," Roy said, leaning forward, and Cole zapped him playfully. Anne felt herself flush.

"It was a coincidence, really. I went to the kitchen at three in the morning to prepare a cup of chamomile and it coincided with the time he was getting ready for work. He's on morning shifts, so he goes early, don't know what time. Anyway, he obviously wasn't expecting me up and about, so he walked in only a towel… Guys, I'm telling you. Criminal. Not fair."

"Look at her, all made up in a knot," Roy said to Cole in a low voice, but Anne still managed to make the words. She had experience overhearing little kids conversations from the other side of the classroom, after all.

"I'm not in a knot!"

"You are, Anne, and you know it. You don't have to tell us, but take advantage of your situation or god help us, we're going to Hamilton to put a stop to your stubbornness and lock you up in a room with Gilbert. Wait. You're already locked in a flat with him. Again, take advantage of the situation? Just think of the mind-blowing sex he must have stored after so many years of just wanting you," Cole insisted, Anne flushing even more.

"Just imagine, love. Gilbert Blythe in bed. Remember last summer how he was all marked up? I would be in a bad shape if I were in Anne's situation now, wanting him and those curls and stopping just because I'm stubborn…" Roy continued, mischief so evident in his eyes Anne decided it was enough. They were so not helping with any of her mental images of what she'd seen, what she imagined, and, most importantly, what she really wanted.

"Both of you, enough! No one is saying anything about sex with Gilbert or how great it could be or anything so just stop! You are not helping with the situation! And you both know sex is not that great!"

"Helping with the situation? Darling Anne, you do know how to take care of yourself if you don't want to go to Gilbert. Do so, then. No one ever got hurt for doing it," Roy said, dead serious face. Anne knew better. But he had a point. "And you know the only problem you've have with sex is going with all the wrong guys."

"Ugh!" they both laughed and shook hands, as if they'd accomplished something.

"In all seriousness, Anne. Take care of yourself. Follow your heart. Shower. And tell us how good he is once you have the guts to go for it."

"I'm going now. Ending this nonsense. Love you both. Bye," she said and hung up. She lay down on the bed for a couple of minutes before deciding the shower really was a good idea. She gathered her things and went to the bathroom, not seeing Gilbert around. Take care of herself.

She got into the hot spray, trying very hard to forget about the day but failing miserably. The more she wanted to forget, the more she heard Charlie's voice. Ruby's illusion. Josie's skepticism. Gilbert's explanations, but also the frustration and hurt evident in his voice. She groaned loudly and sat on the tub, hugging her knees, not standing it anymore. Maybe she could stay there, under the water, for the rest of the night. It wasn't like anything was going to change. She could drown in there and it would be fine. Not make any difference.

Some minutes passed.

Maybe she could acknowledge, now that she was safely away from Jerry, Cole, Mary, Roy and everyone else, that she still liked Gilbert more than she cared to admit. She was scared as shit to let him in again, yes, but that didn't mean she was not so attracted to him; it made her warm inside to just think of him. She remembered the morning, when he had appeared clad in nothing but that towel, still a bit wet from the shower. Take care of herself, Roy had said. And he did have a point. She thought of the soft firmness of Gilbert's arms hugging her, how steady and strong he always felt. And his breath on the back of her neck in the morning, when he had lulled her back to sleep, enveloped in his scent. The goosebumps she felt then and how scarily right everything had been. And then the other day when he had handed her the blender and she had felt him flush against her back. God. To this day she was sure he had done it on purpose.

She closed her eyes, remembering how his torso had looked, the hot spray still falling and enveloping her. Tentatively, she moved her hand to her center and found it, rather than drenched from the water, wet from her own excitement. She sighed, moving her fingers in circles, and feeling pleasure come to her, building slowly, steadily. When he was on top of her, had she imagined the look he had in his eyes? The hunger? She continued moving, daring to insert one finger in herself, her breathing now a bit ragged as she felt herself come even closer to climax, Gilbert's eyes staring at her inside her mind, doing everything she would never admit out loud she wanted. Touching her. Imagining her hands were his. Building up, she came stronger than she had in years, biting her lips so as to not let any sound escape them, waves of pleasure traversing her.

Anne regained her breath slowly and continued washing herself methodically, trying not to think about what she had done, but feeling better and more relaxed than she had in the whole afternoon. She sighed as she rinsed the soap of her skin. It wasn't the thought of touching herself. She had done that countless times before and it was the only way she had ever come, never during actual sex with anyone. It wasn't that that was troubling her.

It was how strong and powerful her orgasm had been just by thinking of Gilbert.

"Still nothing with Anne?" Fred asked him one night they were hanging out in the grass that stretched next to the hospital parking lot, neither of them eager to go back home. Ella was in a zoom meeting the whole afternoon and Fred hated those, because he could not make any noise in the house. Apparently the old place made squeaking sounds everywhere. Gilbert didn't want to go and face Anne's closed door again.

"No, Freddie. She's locked in the room again, like those first few weeks," he answered. "Any progress I had made, it's gone know. I feel so stupid you can't imagine."

"Maybe I can. I won't tell. Ella's been asking about you, by the way. Apparently she misses having someone serious around. And Bear might actually forget you," Gilbert snorted.

"I would go visit if I could, you know that. Sometimes I don't know if being able to actually leave the house is better or not."

"Of course it's better. Can you imagine yourself locked down with Anne 24/7?" Fred asked. Then he laughed out loud. "Forget it, you should be locked with her 24/7. Maybe that way you could see her, she has to go out of that room of yours at some point. And then…"

"Better to stop it, Wright. Not in the mood," Gilbert cut him, his voice strained. He had so much frustration in him these days he felt ready to jump at anything. And he wasn't about to listen anyone else tell him how having sex with Anne would be the solution to his problems. It might be a part of it (he was not going to deny it) but it wasn't either attainable or realistic as of now. So, out of discussion. They stayed silent for a few minutes.

"Has her proof of address come yet? I just have an idea for you. And you'd owe me big time if it works," Gilbert blinked. He hadn't actually checked the mailbox for days.

"I don't know. I had completely forgotten about it. What's that big idea of yours?"

"Take her out for a stroll. You're not going to let her take the bus to get to a Service Ontario, are you?"

"Are you mental? She's not going on a bus. Not while in my house when there's a pandemic around," he said.

"That's what I thought. So, take her to the one over at Grimsby and take advantage of the ride. Make use of the loophole: if she's going to make an official thing, she can be out. Take her to Beamer's, no one is going to be around and she can see something different that's more familiar to her. You told me she lived for the woods, right? If a police officer stops you, then say you're coming back from the OHIP thing and that's it."

"Freddie, you're an actual genius. Thanks for the idea," he said, more excited he had felt in weeks. "I'm taking off, now. I just want to see if her statement came in," he got up.

"Blythe! You told me you'd wait until Ella finished!"

"Don't be so spoiled. Read a book. Do something useful, go home, take Bear for a walk," Gilbert answered as he unlocked his car. "I'm off tomorrow, see you on Thursday?"

"Off then. Send me a message and we'll have lunch another day."

The apartment was eerily calm when he came in, as it had been since the day they had fighted. However, Gilbert didn't follow his usual pattern and instead, after taking off his shoes and changing, went straight for Anne's closed door. He knocked lightly.

"Hello, Anne. May I come in for a moment? There's some mail for you and I'd like to propose something to you," he said quietly. He could hear some low music in the background and the sound of the keyboard that stopped as soon as he started talking.

"Sure. Come in," she answered, grabbing the hoodie she had been using and putting it on top of the camisole she had already changed into. She saw him for the first time in days, huge bags under his eyes, a stubble, hair shabbier than ever with not one hairdresser open in Ontario. "Are you ok?" she asked before realizing.

"What? Yeah, sure," he answered quickly. He didn't want to let her know how much this whole mess was affecting him. "So, for your mail. You got this," he said, walking to the bed and sitting far from her, extending a bank envelope. She left the laptop on the bed and received it.

"Oh, great," she answered. She had actually forgotten about it. She opened it and scanned the statement inside. For all the time she had gone without any income, she had spent surprisingly little.

"I'm off tomorrow. So here's the plan, if you'd accept: we go early to Service Ontario and you get your OHIP sorted out. That should be quick. I'll take you over to the Grimsby office. We take advantage of being outside and having a valid, official excuse and I take you somewhere else for a change of scenery. If someone stops us, we have your papers as an excuse."

"Where are you taking me? Where's Grimsby?" she asked, looking a bit wary.

"Grimsby is about half an hour from here. Then it's a surprise, but I promise you'll like it," he said. She stayed silent. She had been thinking of how to talk with him. It was much easier to lock herself in his room, but it was tiring and it would take them nowhere. And he looked in a bad shape, that she didn't know if it could be attributed only to the hospital stress. "So, what do you say?" Gilbert asked, as she didn't answer.

"It sounds good. Should be good to go out. Will we be long?"

"I'm not sure, really. It really depends on you," he said. "The OHIP errand will be an hour max, depending on how crowded it is and then the rest is flexible. Why? Do you need to be here by some time?"

"No, just wanted to know if I should pack us something to eat. I'm guessing not much is open to grab something?" Gilbert nodded. That was a good idea. Well, everything was sorted out, now. He didn't want to move, though, feeling better in his house than he had felt for days with her talking calmly to him. She bit her lip, thinking. She took air to speak, but instead sighed. She didn't know how to begin. Maybe wait until tomorrow, in case it went badly again? Gilbert watched her.

"Everything ok?" he asked. She nodded slowly, absent minded. "Look, Anne…"

"I know. We have to sort this out. I'm…" she sighed again and he waited. "I don't know if I'm ready, though."

"Could… maybe could I talk, and you listen?" he tried gently. Anne looked at him. She could try that. She bit her lips and nodded, almost imperceptibly. "Please, hear me out then. It's not an easy subject for either of us and I'm not proud of any of it," she nodded, her eyes on the floor, hugging her knees. "I've been thinking about what you mentioned, about seeing Winifred and me in the forest. I… didn't know until then that you had seen us. And it pains me, because you have all the right to feel betrayed. I should have never taken her there, to our spaces. It didn't matter that I thought you didn't want to be with me, those spots were more important. I was… There's no better explanation, even if it's crude and not enough, than to say I just wanted to have sex and that's the best place I could think of at the moment. I was not thinking of the consequences. Mary wouldn't let Winifred in the house. It is a very poor excuse and it by no means justifies what I did. It probably makes it worse. But I can't undo that now, even if I want to," he explained, his voice strained as he forced the words to come out of his mouth. "It should have never happened. And I don't know how to make it better. I wish I did, but I don't," he added after a moment, Anne still silent. She was looking at the pattern of the wood of the floor. She didn't know either how to make it better. Well, it helped that he was not denying it. That helped. Gilbert stayed there. He would stay, until she kicked him out or until she spoke.

"That helps," she said after a while. He looked at her, not understanding. "You, saying it out loud. Makes me think I didn't imagine it."

"You didn't, Anne. It's… I almost wish you did, because then it would not have happened. But I can't express how much I regret it. I wouldn't have done it if I had thought at the moment how much it would hurt you. I just… wasn't being rational, then," he insisted.

"So you… you never thought about hurting me?" she asked, remembering Jerry's words.

"I was horny and Winifred was willing," he replied bluntly. He knew he was being unceremonious, but at least he was being honest: he was not going to embellish the truth. Anne didn't say anything. "I was not thinking about the impact my actions would have on you or anyone else. I was being selfish and immature. I would have acted differently if I had stopped to think for only two seconds."

"So, no?" she insisted. She needed to hear it from him.

"Never, Anne. I would never purposely hurt you. I couldn't. Same as on graduation. I didn't see Billy Andrews, or else he would have gotten a piece of my mind. I don't know what would make you think of me wanting to hurt you, but it is not possible for me to do it on purpose. Being a reckless, immature git, evidently I can. But never on purpose." Why was that so hard for her to understand? He knew she had always been insecure, but… He had worked so hard all through middle school and high school so she would trust him. Only to shatter it at the end, of course. Shit.

"Never on purpose?" she asked. "How can I know you won't do it again?"

"Because I lost you once and it's been the biggest regret of my life. If you'll find it in you to allow me in your life again, in whatever way you like, I won't make the same mistakes again," he answered honestly, stretching his hand to rest it on her arm. She looked at him in the eyes and could actually believe what he said. Jerry and Marilla were right. Mary as well. She looked at his hand, and didn't say anything, staying in silence repeating in her mind the words he had just said. Gilbert watched her, until he couldn't stand it anymore. "Anne?"

"It's going to take a while," she said. He frowned, not understanding what she meant. "For me to come to terms with everything, I mean. I believe you, I truly do, I'm just wary of all this."

"I can understand that. But if you could only try… try for real, acknowledging I was a shitty teen and made mistakes, but that I learnt from them… Do you think you could do that?" he asked, more hopeful than he had felt in years. Because this would not be like last month, when she said she would try. This would be her trying to forgive him, all the cards on the table. The nice ones but also the most horrible ones. This would be hard, and probably slow, but real. And real sounded really nice now.

"I can. May I ask you something in return?"

"Anything you want," he said immediately.

"Have patience with me. I want this to work. I have missed you more than you can tell. But that doesn't mean it's going to be a straight road ahead," she said, because she was sure there would be days when the only thing she would see in him was Winifred and days when she would see her dear old friend Gilbert. He nodded. He could be patient if it meant having her, even if as a friend. He retrieved his hand and sat there for a moment before standing up, the conversation clearly over. He went to the door. He was hungry and wanted to look for something to eat.

"Should I close the door?" he asked, just to see if anything was really going to change. Anne smiled a bit, almost imperceptibly.

"No, leave it open. I'll go in a minute and have tea while you eat," she said. He nodded, smiling openly, and went to warm his dinner.

Hey! Just a few end notes:
The OHIP is Ontario's Health Insurance Plan. It usually has a three month wait period but because of Covid it has been suspended, and once you apply you're completely covered. You need some documents to get the coverage, which is free under the province... whatever is called. So:
-One document is a proof of address (the one Anne got on the mail)
-One document that proves your Canadian status (so for Anne, her birth certificate which she carries around because it's an important document when you're moving all across the country)
-One document that supports your identity (like her passport or a credit card).
The whole errand really depends on how many people there are in the office, but it can be as short as ten minutes, then you get a paper which says you're covered in case you get sick before your card arrives on the mail. Card will be there about two weeks later. And all Covid related stuff is covered (as well as general health stuff).
So there's you Canadian tidbit of information for today.