Chapter 10: No Place for Secrets

"Let me take you up out this dark place,

let me understand all your worries."

2018

The two weeks in which Jay had been back home had been difficult. Readjustment was a slow process; he was slowly getting there. Erin was happy to have her partner back, but Jay just felt … out of place. He slipped back into his work routine easily; life in Intelligence had been an extension of who Jay was as a person for so long, it was ingrained in the core of his being. But things at home just hadn't been clicking – and he didn't realise why until this morning.

Jay had been sitting in the living room, watching the news while he drank his coffee when Everly woke up. Erin was in the kitchen making the little girl some breakfast, demanding hat Jay sit and rest – despite the fact he had been back at work for four days, Erin still worried that he may overexert himself – when Everly woke up. Jay had learned that she was not a morning person, much like his fiancée. Everly dragged her feet against the hardwood floors, hair a tangled and curly mess. She let out a groan when Erin asked her if she was hungry and her eyes shut partially. But it was when Jay watched Everly walk to Erin and lean into his partner – her head resting against Erin's stomach – Erin running her hand over the girl's hair and kissing the top, that Jay realised he no longer knew where his place in their family unit was.

It had only ever been Jay and Erin. They had family in Will, Justin and Hank. But at the core of their family, it was the two of them. And now there was a sweet, little girl who had turned everything on his head. And Jay felt utterly out of his depth.

…

Erin wasn't sure how to feel about Jay's return. He was still on desk duty a month after being shot, and it was making him irritable. But his shoulder needed the time to heal, and Hank was refusing to let him back any earlier than the doctor was agreeing to. And while his unpleasant behaviour was a bit annoying for Erin, it was his lack of effort with Everly that got her worked up. Jay had barely engaged with the little girl. She could tell Everly was a little bothered by it, but she didn't say anything; she'd been so excited to meet Jay whenever he would return from his assignment, after hearing countless stories from Erin about their days as partners, only to be met with an arm that kept her at a distance. But she put her irritation with her fiancée aside, because right now she needed his help.

"Hey. Is everything okay?" Jay answers her call.

Erin shakes her head "Yeah everything's fine. Look, Hank's sending Kim and I out to check in with a witness and corroborate her story – So I need you to pick up Ev from school for me."

Jay was silent, not really knowing what to say "Uh, doesn't the school have to have me on some pick-up list? I remember you mentioning-"

"You're already on the list, I put you on there when I enrolled Ev. And I called the office to speak to her, so she already knows that you're coming." Erin rebuts.

"Oh." he says surprised "Okay … I don't- I don't know if …Surely there's someone else that can do it?"

"Oh, for God's sake, Jay! There is nobody else, I need you. Please. I just need you to pick her up from school, it's really not that difficult! I know you're capable of looking after a child." Erin snapped "I don't know what the hell your problem is with her, but I've had just about enough of it. It's one hour Jay, that's all I'm asking of you. Just spend the hour with her until I can get home, okay. It's not going to kill you."

"Okay. Fine." Jay says, and Erin can hear the guilt in his voice.

"Thanks."

Erin hangs up before Jay can say anything else. She takes a

"Hey, you good? We can hear you shouting from the locker room." Kim asks poking her head into the breakroom.

"Yeah, sorry." Erin sighs "I'm good. Let's go."

Erin focuses back in on work – She has to believe that whatever Jay is going through, he will talk to her about it eventually. At least, she hopes he will.

…

"I haven't had ice cream in so long." Everly smiles looking at all the options before her.

Jay smiles at her excitement. He had taken the little girl to Millennial Park and when he saw her eyes widen at the ice cream truck, he figured it was something she would enjoy. And he'd been right. Everly had a sweet tooth rivalling his brother's – and that was saying something.

They had spent most of the hour walking around, Jay asking Evie questions about her life; her hobbies, interests, favourite sports. Anything he could think of to get to know the little girl, who was so important to the love of his life, better. In return, Everly had asked him about the early days of his partnership with Erin and verified more of the stories his partner had told the young girl while he'd been away.

"Erin sure managed to tell you a lot of stories." Jay chuckled as Everly asked him if he really had a 'guy' for everything.

"She talks about you a lot." Everly says turning from the ice cream to look at Jay "I think it's because she was scared when you were away – she always tries to make sure I don't see when she's sad, but every time she told me a story about you her eyes were sad. She missed you, just like I miss my parents."

Evie turned away from Jay again, trying to focus back on the menu stuck to the side of the truck. Jay felt his heart ache for her – Erin hadn't told him the story, just that her parents had passed away in quick succession and that she had fallen through the cracks at DCFS. The foster family she had been placed with were terrible carers, and for some reason the case worker had been too busy to bother checking up on Evie's situation. Erin made damn sure to file a formal complaint with their offices when the woman had simply shrugged and given a half-hearted 'these things sometimes happen' type of excuse.

"I don't know if I should get mint chocolate chip or rainbow." Evie contemplated.

Jay smiled and kneeled down next to her "Well, if you think you can finish it, why not both?"

Evie's eyes widened as she turned to look at him "Yeah? Can we get that double cone for it? It looks so cool."

"Yeah, why not?" Jay shrugs "just don't tell Erin, I'll get in trouble for having sugar before dinner."

"Adults don't get in trouble for that kind of stuff." Evie rolls her eyes at Jay.

"Adults don't, but I do." Jay says laughing along with the little girl.

Once they order and get their ice cream, Jay leads Evie over to one of the picnic tables so she can eat without spilling the cool treat everywhere. He thinks about Erin's confession to him a few nights ago in bed – wanting to know what happened in Evie's past but not wanting to look into her file and breaking the little girl's trust. She had told the case worker she didn't want to know what specifically had happened to Evie's parents until she was ready to tell Erin herself; it was unconventional, but the case worker had agreed, since Erin was only temporarily caring for Evie whilst they tried to find a next of kin. And so, the detective had been in the dark about that part of her current foster kid's past.

"I'm sorry about your parents." He starts softly "You know, my mum passed away when I was younger. Not quite as young as you are though; I was eighteen."

"That's a whole decade more than me." Evie states matter-of-factly before taking a lick of her ice cream "My mum died first, when I was seven. Then Daddy died just after I turned eight."

"That must've been really hard. When my mum died, even though my brother and I were older, we were still both really sad."

"That's Will, right? Your brother? I met him once, when Erin said I had to get a check-up from the doctor's so I could stay with her."

"Yeah, Will's my little brother. He's a year and a half younger than I am."

"That must've been nice though; to have your brother with you." Evie says softly.

"Actually, Will was in New York. He was studying over there while I was in the Army. I came back when my mum was in the hospital, but Will … he, uh- he couldn't make it."

"So you were alone? Like me?"

"Not exactly…" Jay trailed off, unsure of how to best explain himself "My Dad was still around, but he was really sad about my mum dying too. I think he- he couldn't handle it, so he stayed away from us. But I had my friend Mouse, and I stayed with him after my mum passed away."

"… My Daddy was sad too. That's why he died."

Everly's pained confession tears at Jay's heart. She slumps on the seat, her ice cream placed on the paper plate Jay had grabbed in case it melted too fast. Jay cautiously reached, holding her clasped hands within his.

"I'm sorry, Evie." The nickname suddenly felt so natural to say. He could understand now why Erin wanted to help the little girl – Evie reminded him of both himself and Erin.

"He was really sad all the time. He forgot to pick me up from school a lot, and he would always tell me he couldn't be a good Daddy because Mummy wasn't around anymore. And then- on that night, he put me to bed and he- he said 'I love you as high as I can reach and as high I can hop'. He read me that all the time, even though it's a little kid's book." Evie smiled sadly.

Jay squeezed her hands "My mum used to read me that book when I was little, too. I think I still have a copy of it somewhere."

"It's a really nice book." Evie nodded her head, trying her best not to cry. Jay didn't know what to say, so he simply held her hands.

His phone ringing startled them both from the quiet moment. Reaching into his jacket pocket, he saw Erin's name and picture fill his screen and he quickly answered.

"Hey, babe." He gave Evie a small smile.

"Hey, where are you guys? I thought you'd be home by the time I got here."

Jay glanced at his watch. Erin was expecting them to be home almost forty-five minutes ago.

"Me and Evie had some ice cream at the park, I guess we lost track of time. We're going to be a little bit longer, is that okay?"

He could practically hear her smile "Of course, that's fine. I'm going to get dinner started, take all the time you need."

"Okay. I love you."

"I love you too. Say hi to Ev for me." Erin says before they end the call.

"Erin said to say hi to you, too. She was wondering where we were, I guess we ran a bit later than she thought we would." Jay chuckles.

"Probably because she thought you don't like me." Evie pulls her hands back from Jay's.

"Hey, no, it's not like that." Jay says quickly "It's not you Evie, I just … I wasn't expecting so many things to have changed while I was gone, and I guess I haven't been dealing with it very well. You and Erin just seem so close, and I didn't want to get in the way of that."

"I like Erin. She's really nice. But I think you're nice too." Evie says softly.

"I think you're a pretty awesome kid; I'm sorry if I've been grumpy with you."

"s'okay. Erin said it's hard sometimes, when cops go on assignments like you did."

"Yeah, yeah it's hard." Jay swallows uncomfortably "Still, it doesn't give me the right to behave the way I did. I promise, I'm going to try and be better, okay? Maybe we can hang out more after school like this, and get to know each other more?"

Evie smiles and nods "I'd like that."

"Me too." Jay smiles back standing up from the table "But I think we should probably get home and make sure Erin's alright making dinner. It can be a bit hit or miss."

Evie laughs and follows him as they walk to the bin to discard the remains of the now melted ice cream "Yeah, she tried to make mac n cheese last month because I told her it's my favourite. It wasn't very nice."

"Oh, that one's on me. It was one of the first meals she made me when we started being boyfriend and girlfriend, and I didn't want to hurt her feelings. So I just ate it and told her it was great, but it kind of tasted like cardboard."

"Mine tasted like cardboard too!" Evie giggles "I don't know how she does that."

"Me either, kid. Me either."

2023 (one week after)

"He's finally in bed, but I don't know how long he's gonna stay there. I think Madison's mum gave him some candy or something on that playdate. She has no regard for her actions, I swear … you okay?"

Jay moved his hand away from the letter, shaking his head and giving Erin a small smile "Yeah, I'm good. You ready?"

He had tried to take his mind off the letter as he ate. But as soon as he went to put his dishes in the sink, his attention was back on it. He stared at it for so long he was surprised he hadn't burned a hole in it. In truth, he had forgotten about all about Bunny. It was nearly seven years since she had been incarcerated and Erin hadn't wanted to talk about it much. But after what happened, Erin locked up that part of her life and threw away the key.

"I thought you would be home for dinner." Erin says as they sit on opposite ends of the couch facing one another.

"I had so much paperwork to do, you know how it gets."

"Yeah. Sure. It was my assumption anyways; I should've checked with you." Erin says softly "Uh, so should I just?"

Jay stopped, feeling like there was something more she wanted to say. Jay had sensed some hostility from her when he came home that night, but he had chalked it up to her being frustrated that Drew wasn't listening to her about bedtime. He sighed realising that she wouldn't say whatever else was on her mind, and not wanting to push things into an uncomfortable situation; he figured it was better to let it go for now.

"Whenever you're ready." Jay smiles reassuringly.

It took her a few minutes for Erin to start. She felt awkward, exposed. The first one on the list was easy enough; she had always told him what a good father he is. It was a mutual feeling between them, they both respected one another as parents and admired all that one another did for their children.

"You make me laugh." She says nervously, staring down at her book.

Not that she needs to. She's read it to herself so many times since coming back from their therapy session, analysing every detail and how Jay might react to what she's listed. She knows all five of her reasons so well she could recite it word-for-word without glaning down at the paper once.

"It's weird because I- I never thought humour would matter that much to me. Funny guys usually rub me the wrong way. But you make me laugh so much, and always when I need it the most. It's like you know."

"I like your laugh; it's one of my favourite sounds." Jay adds.

Erin blushes, not fully agreeing when she thinks about the snort-laughter she's let rip a few times at Molly's after a few too many beers are flowing through her.

"You respect my boundaries, even when we were just partners. If I told you I wasn't comfortable with something on the job or in our personal lives, you were the first one to have my back on it. And when we started dating, you always made the effort to make sure I was comfortable in any situation. It wasn't just our sexual relationship; you asked for my permission no matter what we were doing or where we were. You always made sure I was okay with what was happening, and it made me feel secure which was something I hadn't felt with a man before."

Jay nods. He doesn't want to keep interrupting her. He knows he has to wait until the end to tell her how the list made her feel, like she did with him, but every point she brings up makes his heart warm – all he wants is to tell her that the reasons she's listing are things that every man before him should've done for her. They should've made her feel loved; they should have made her laugh and respected her body and her boundaries and her comfort in any given situation. And he's angry for her that they never seemed to.

"I've never felt safer than when I'm with you. Even through the shitstorm our relationship seems to have spiralled into in recent years; I've never questioned that you would keep me safe. That being with you is the safest I've ever been. In fact, I think that's what made this period of our lives that much harder for me to face; because I couldn't bear the thought of risking that safety that I feel with you. I didn't want to lose it, ever."

"Even if things had … I would've always made sure you feel safe, Erin."

"I know." She smiles when he leans in and takes her hand.

"Last one." He teases with a smile.

"You, uh- you make me want to be a better person." The gravity of her words cause her to stop. This is probably the most personal, the most vulnerable of the reasons on this list. It feels soul-exposing, even though she's certain she's told him variations of that same sentiment before. It still feels like a treasured secret she had been protecting, in fear that recognising the power he had in her life would somehow taint it's value.

"I wrote here, 'the night I said yes, it was the culmination of everything Jay had ever tried to make me see – that I was worthy of the life he was offering for us; a life I never thought I deserved to have before he came along. Jay made me want to change my life, because of the love he showed me, the love that helped me to love myself the way I had always needed to.' You loved me like no one ever loved me before, and it's what made me want to fight every time I risked losing it. Every time some crazy perp threatened my life, when I felt my body fade away after I gave birth, when I walked away from New York and Bunny…"

Erin paused, looking down at her lap at the mention of her mother. And just like that, Jay's attention was back on that stupid letter. 'Forget about it! Your wife's sitting in front of you trying to express herself, and you're worried about Bunny fucking Fletcher like this is six years ago. It's different now, just ask her about it.'

"… I felt like I could do it because of you, Jay. I'd never been able to walk away from her before, but something about the life we could build together – it made me realise that I had to let her go."

Her words felt bittersweet, and Jay leaned in to hug her tightly, pouring all the emotions he was feeling into the tight grasp he had on her.

Jay hadn't slept much that night. He and Erin went to bed facing one another again tonight, but unlike his wife he was unable to drift into dreamland. That letter plagued his thoughts, and he couldn't figure out why. It wasn't like he was unaware of what the contents of the letter likely was. it came this time every year, without fail. But normally, Erin would tell him. She would ask him if it was the right decision, and she'd give him the chance to let her know that whatever decision she chose to make he would support. So, it only seemed to emphasise their problems further, that she hadn't decided to confide in him this time.

"You seem preoccupied today, Jay." Sara's voice brought him back to the present.

Jay looked at Erin beside him on the couch, her face tightly scrunched in concern and confusion. The last he remembers, his wife was explaining her thoughts on how it went last night, when she recounted her list to Jay. He's pretty surely Sara had asked him his feelings on it, but he can't really be sure.

"Sorry. I'm here, what was the question?"

"I was asking how you felt about what Erin listed down, but now I'm more curious to know what's running through your head right now that's got you so distracted."

Much like he had for most of the night, Jay looks at his wife contemplating whether or not to bring the topic up. he can see the anxiousness in her eyes, wondering what's happened in the last day to have him so withdrawn. 'What's the point of therapy if you're not going to be honest, man?"

"It kind of was to do with what we discussed last night, I guess." Jay began, stopping short when Sara indicated towards Erin. Jay turned to address his wife, looking her in the eyes and taking a deep breath.

"I saw the letter from Teddy on the counter."

Erin looked even more confused "That? He sends the same thing every year, why would that bother you so much?"

"Because it's the first year you didn't mention it to me."

"Jay, in case you didn't notice we have a lot of other shit going on right now. Teddy's yearly invitation to mourn together didn't really seem like something to address. It's the same shit every year, and I tell him the same thing every year."

"Erin, I understand where you're coming from, but I think you might be minimising Jay's feelings in your conversation."

They both turn to look at the therapist as she explains, "To me, it doesn't seem like Jay is upset about the contents of the letter. It's the fact that you deviated from the usual actions you would take with him when that letter arrives. Am I right in assuming that Jay?"

"You are."

"Okay, and can you explain to Erin why that seems to be upsetting you? Why is a letter from her brother, one that comes every year, an issue?"

"The letter itself isn't an issue. I just don't understand why you kept it from me. You always tell me when Teddy writes, and you ask for my opinion on what you should do. And I always tell you I'll support whatever will make you happy – but, given our argument as well, it feels like you purposely shut me out."

"That's not what I was trying to do." Erin sighs "Maybe, subconsciously part of me was scared given our fight. It's clear that's a big trigger point for us."

"But you've never shut me out like that before. Not where Teddy, or more importantly Bunny, is concerned. It seems like you went out of your way to not tell me about this - to start hiding it from me."

"I wasn't! Why does it matter so much? Bunny's dead! So, I didn't want to go to New York and mourn with my brother like he wants me to every year, why does it matter so much?" Erin huffs.

"Because it feels like you resent me for the fact that you couldn't save your mother's life!"

A/N: Another mini cliff-hanger, don't you just hate those? hehe

The song used for this chapter is 'Every Hour' by KIAN.

I hope you all enjoyed this chapter – I feel like I'm finally, really getting into the mindset for the story so I'm excited to get further into it and show you everything I have planned. It's going to be a long journey, of that much I am certain!

Okay, So I was trying to speed through writing all the 'flashbacks' into the story so that you can see the night of their argument sooner rather than later, but I'm beginning to realise that if I do that the story just won't be the quality that I want it to be. SO, I will instead just put the fight into the chapter when they discuss it in therapy and it'll serve as a kind of stand-alone 'flashback' if that makes sense? Anyways, I think the fight will be shown by around Chapter 20 at the latest – possibly earlier if I can get into writing bigger flashback scenes in the upcoming chapters.

Please leave a review and let me know what you think

Until next time …