9
HIS head still pounded and throbbed. His mouth was dry. Probably something to do with the simple fact that he had spent the night consuming a few glasses of Fire Whiskey, trying his best to drink himself to sleep, anything to dull the pain of seeing Tonks get away from him. Again.
He'd been doing it often lately, more than he cared to admit to anybody. Lupin slowly turned his head to the side and groggily opened his eyes.
Although the scarlet curtains of his bedroom back in Number 12, Grimmauld Place were closed, they did very little to prevent the harsh sunlight of the outside world the day after his attempted induction into Greyback's camps, from spilling in through the cracks of the red curtains.
Blinking slowly against the blinding white light that only caused the dull ache at the side and front of his temples to worsen more, Remus groaned out loud and groggily sat upright, a hand on his forehead, flinching at how hot and clammy it felt.
Was he still sick from Greyback's attack?
As his eyesight slowly adjusted to the darkness of his simple bedroom on the second floor of Headquarters' townhouse, Lupin lifted his eyebrows in surprise as he glanced at the clock on the wall. It was almost ten.
He almost never slept in this late, even when he'd stayed up drinking. Letting out a frustrated sigh as he allowed himself to groan in an unrestrained fashion, he collapsed back against the pillows and stared at the ceiling above, Lupin contemplated whether or not to go back to sleep or get up.
Breathing in shakily through his flaring nostrils, he reached for the curtains on his right and opened them, squinting, to take a glimpse outside.
Witches, wizards, and Muggles alike, bustled by on the sidewalk outside of the townhouse, going about their daily routines, oblivious to the pains of Remus John Lupin's life.
He swore he could just about make out Mundungus Fletcher and Severus Snape arriving, much to Lupin's chagrin.
The pair of men were conversing to one another in low tones. Remus turned away from the window and let out another haggard sigh. He was going to have to get up.
As much as he would have liked to remain stationary until this fit of nausea subsided, given his pulsing headache, he knew he could not remain cooped up in bed all day when he had the Order to think of.
He gingerly sat up, squeezing his eyes shut as beads of cold sweat broke out across his brow and he winced at the stiffness in his joints as he padded barefoot across the bedroom to a simple chest of drawers, dressing quickly in his usual attire: a simple brown suit and a white collared shirt. Smart. Respectable, and the clothes fit him well enough these days.
Slightly tattered, but not altogether shabby looking. He let out another tired sigh and raked his hands through his thick tuft of light brown hair, turning away and ducking his head in shame, not wanting to look at his monstrous appearance, at his scars, any longer than was necessary, really.
He ducked into the bathroom to wash his face and brush his teeth before heading downstairs, fitfully reminded of seeing Tonks again a few nights ago.
Why had she decided to save his life from Greyback in the first place? Remus had assumed that after the despicable way he had coldly rejected her, despite wanting a relationship with the young witch who had stolen his heart before he'd even known it was gone himself, that she would never want to see him again, and he'd not have blamed her for that.
His aching bones still sent swells of pain up and down his spine, the aftermath of Greyback's attack against him, and even wearing his clothes felt heavy against his skin, his sweater underneath his jacket clinging to his body uncomfortably.
Remus was having trouble believing how he had managed to lose his composure and almost fly off the handle as he recollected their argument.
He had tried to convince himself the reasoning for his erratic behavior had nothing to do with him coming down off of his heightened senses following the full moon and everything to do with the fact that Tonks had stepped in to save his life from Greyback when she knew doing so well would put her at risk and he was not worth her life.
He did not want it. Lupin wanted Tonks to keep it, even if he could not have her in the way that he wanted.
He had tried to forget the whole thing, wanting to concentrate on finding his partner and explaining to her his reasonings.
Why he had to go. Why the two of them could not be together, not in the way that they both wanted, wanted it so badly that it physically ached. Remus did not want to linger on the antagonized hurt and betrayal he had seen the other night in Dora's eyes.
The hurt…betrayal…he paused just outside of the entryway into the kitchens of Headquarters and froze.
He supposed he had deserved that, but he'd not meant to hurt her.
Lupin had spent three days following his surprise encounter with Tonks in the woods trying to find her, despite her warning for him not to follow her. But no avail.
Remus had been waiting for Sirius or perhaps even Professor Dumbledore to mention any sign or whisper as to the whereabouts of his partner, and considering the horrible way their relationship had imploded, he quickly realized they'd not mention her out of concern for his own safety, given he was attempting to infiltrate other werewolves' encampments with little to no success on his part, the last thing he needed right now was the distraction of thoughts of his partner.
He hesitated, biting the inside wall of his cheek as he coughed once to clear his throat, stowing his wand inside an interior pocket of his brown jacket and Sirius, who had been sitting sullenly by himself at the kitchen table looked up, otherwise lost in thought until Remus had entered inside.
Padfoot was in the midst of glancing out the kitchen window, at the rolling dark black and purple thunderclouds that loomed high above in the skies of London on this dull, dreary Friday afternoon, though Remus doubted Sirius could see anything, but it did not stop his best friend from seeming to take on a look in his pale gray orbs that painfully reminded him of Dora's eyes, that he held the entire world in his eyes whenever he looked as he was doing now, though as he slowly swiveled his head towards his best mate, his dark eyebrows furrowed together in a frown.
Sirius enjoyed the daytime. He could stay busy, his duties and the business of the Order of the Phoenix kept him occupied. It was when the world quieted, whether at nighttime or during storms, and the distractions stilled and ceased to exist that his mind traveled to places he'd rather not.
This morning was one of those times.
"Moony," Sirius called out in a low, raspy voice that he had not heard for almost three years, and for a moment, he was startled, thinking this was how he had sounded when he had first encountered Remus and Harry in the Shrieking Shack, following his escape from Azkaban Prison in order to confront Peter Pettigrew.
Remus turned with a start, surprised at the hardened edges of his best friend's voice.
"Padfoot," he answered flatly, feeling his throat hollow and constrict. He was unsure why his normally quiet reserved tones held such dread as he regarded his best friend as he pulled up a chair to sit down.
Sirius slowly swiveled his head upwards slightly and scrutinized his best friend's pale, if not slightly peaky appearance.
"You're looking much better. You've been asleep for almost two days. I was starting to wonder if you'd wake up at all," he said hauntingly, his voice choking a bit. "My cousin sent an owl ahead to tell me that she saved your life from Fenrir Greyback, Moony…what the bloody hell were you thinking, Remus?"
Remus startled, his knuckles going bone-white as his hands clutched around a mug of hot coffee that Sirius had gone to lengths to pour for him, lazily giving a flick of his wand and causing the pot to pour the piping hot beverage in his chipped, waiting mug.
She had sent an owl to Sirius? But not him?! He felt as though he'd been hit squarely in the chest with a solid Knockback Jinx or as if Sirius had doused him in cold water.
The fact that Tonks was in contact with Black but not him cut him, wounded him, piercing his heart better than any point of a dagger could.
Remus felt his face blanch and drain of all colors as he slowly nodded, hoping that his eyes did not betray how wounded this revelation had made him feel, as though Sirius's words had crushed his heart right there on the spot.
"She—Tonks spoke to you?" Lupin attempted to ask nonchalantly.
Sirius mutely nodded, though the man offered no verbal retort to Lupin's query he had just posed to him.
They sat in awkward silence for Merlin only knew how bloody long, though the question tumbled unchecked from Remus's lips before he could stop himself from asking it.
"Why did she leave me there?" he accused, no longer able to keep the note of bitterness and hurt from seeping its way into his angered tones.
Sirius emanated a tense exhale of frustration through his flaring nostrils and looked for a second time out the window, at the rolling storm clouds that threatened the promise of a future impending rainstorm to come, perhaps he looked for strength or because he'd realized his own cup of coffee laced with just a hint of brandy was now well and bloody empty.
When he finally found his voice and spoke to Remus, his voice was hard, grating, and slightly bitter.
"You know as well as I do, Moony, that you'd have been a marked man right from the start if you tried to follow her, and if you'd have not come to your senses and Disapparated back here like a wounded dog with your tail between your legs, Greyback would have killed you," Sirius growled, fixing Remus with a harsh, pointed glower.
He was trying hard to be the voice of reason in this particular scenario, but calm logic and being of sound mind was more Moony's area of expertise than his, whereas Sirius tended to be more emotional, hotheaded.
"You are sure of this?" Remus challenged, a sardonic little smirk creeping its way onto his face, causing the scars to pull the skin taut.
"You were barely alive, Moony," Sirius gently reminded him. "If it weren't for my cousin acting fast and saving your life, you'd be dead. Yet another thing you owe Tonks for," he grumbled darkly under his breath.
Remus's face grew wistful as he continued. "I—I do owe her," he mumbled, a fiery heat creeping its way onto his cheeks as he blushed, glancing down into his mug of coffee as though the beverage would hold the answers he sought out, as his voice lowered to barely above a whisper.
Sirius's demeanor shifted to match Remus's. He understood what Moony meant. It had been Tonks who had showed Moony what he, James, Lily, and to a lesser extent, Peter, had attempted all those years ago when James and Lily had still been alive, that Remus was the only one standing in his own way of having a normal life.
The man was more than capable of finding a decent job (Professor Dumbledore had asked him more than once to return to Hogwarts to teach as Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher after the students had clambered after him, asking Lupin to return.), and of settling down with the right woman and marrying her.
He knew that Remus loved Nymphadora and that he had only left her because he had been so destroyed by his own misguided beliefs after spending most of his entire life alone in a state of melancholia and depression surrounding the nature of his unfortunate furry little problem.
Perhaps Moony felt like he was protecting his baby cousin when he had abandoned her after that passionate night on top of that roof that neither one would delve into the details of, and Sirius knew it wasn't his bloody business to ask after exactly what had happened, how far they went.
Maybe Remus thought that he was trying to save Tonks from the evil that he always felt was wrongly within him because of his status as a wolf.
Whatever the true reason as to why Moony had so coldly disregarded and abandoned Tonks, Sirius knew it had not only been his cousin's heart that had shattered that cold night on top of the roof outside Rookwood's.
The pained look that Moony was currently shooting him was almost too much to bear as the werewolf pursed his scarred, slightly chapped and cracked lips into a thin line as he regarded Sirius in silence from his spot across the table, his hands still curled around his hot cup of piping coffee.
Remus gave Sirius a knowing look, and Sirius felt his heart sink to the pit of his stomach as it churned and swooped uncomfortably, already knowing what the bloody hell Moony was going to ask of him. About her.
"Where is she?" Lupin cautiously eyed his best friend, scrutinizing Tonks's cousin's pale face as it drained of colors. "Where is Dora, Sirius?"
He was begging him now, knowing full well that Sirius could never resist his best mate when he got in these desperate states of panic attacks.
Nevertheless, though Sirius had been anticipating Moony would ask after Tonks's whereabouts, considering he'd let slip that Tonks had sent ahead an owl and that the two were corresponding, it didn't stop the shock from creeping onto his features or from causing him to jump in his chair.
Sirius's pale gray orbs grew wistful, more mournful than before, knowing that was the real reason why Moony had come back to this place.
And there was no way out of this awkward hell of a mess, that he, Padfoot, was going to have to be the bearer of bad news to poor Moony.
That Tonks had now gone to a place where Moony could not follow. Sirius looked at Remus with an expression akin to grief, no small amount of pity in his eyes, and forced his tongue to speak the words he had been so desperately trying to avoid and repress up to this point in their conversation.
"Moony." Here, his eyes saddened with regret and he gave his head a shake, silently trying to convey his message. "Tonks is gone."
Lupin blanched as what little blood had been left in his already pale face completely drained, rendering him pallid, and he was sure he looked a perfect candidate for one of Lord Voldemort's Inferi, and he did not even have to be dead to make that happen.
His breaths hitched and caught in his throat as he struggled to draw in much-needed air to his deprived lungs.
He fought to rise from his chair and considering how his legs felt as though they had been hit with a Jelly Legs Curse, he thought it best for the moment to continue staying seated.
He had heard Sirius wrong, surely, yes.
What did Sirius mean by that? Images of Tonks came flooding into his mind. Thoughts of her strong, vibrant, and filled to the brim, teeming restlessly with life played out like a fond memory in front of his wolfish sight.
Had something happened to Tonks? Had she been killed in action?
If she was dead, then there was truly no reason for him to go on like this, for a world in which his partner was not by his side, was not worth it.
His light brown eyes grew wide and round with abject horror as they desperately searched Sirius's eyes for the truth, any hint, any semblance of deception, that his best mate might be lying to him.
"The…the forest…" he stammered weakly. "In the Wolves' Wood. Tonks saved my life, she…" Remus's words came in spurts, disjointed fragments as his mind struggled to comprehend and make sense of what happened to Tonks. "She…was she wounded, Sirius?" Lupin gasped, the words that tumbled unchecked out of his mouth piercing his heart, rendering him breathless.
He felt the world spin beneath his feet and begin to give way, and he was grateful that he was already sitting down, for he felt sure he would have collapsed.
When he had managed to regain control of his voice, he turned with pained eyes to his best friend. "Did…did she suffer, Sirius?"
Remus was not at all sure he wanted to know the truth if she did.
Sirius blinked owlishly at his best mate from across the table, realizing a moment too late that perhaps he had used the wrong choice of phrasing.
He gave his head a curt shake and stifled a growl of frustration as he carded a lock of his shoulder-length wavy dark hair out of his eyes irately.
"That isn't what I meant, Moony," Sirius clarified, letting out a tired sigh. "Tonks is still alive. From what she told me in her latest letter, she managed to escape from Greyback's clutches with only a few minor scratches, but she was able to mend them well enough on her own," he said calmly, alleviating the worst of Lupin's fears with just a sentence.
"I…I don't understand," Remus said slowly and cautiously, as relief and a surge of hope washed over his entire body as he lifted his chin to better look into Sirius's eyes. "How—how is Tonks gone? Where is she?"
Sirius bit the inside wall of his cheek as he cleared his throat and attempted to find more appropriate words, ones that would hopefully not succeed in sending his best mate over the edge, though the nature of the conversation the two of them were about to have was going to be hard.
No matter what way he tried to slice it, Moony was going to have to accept his words as cold, hard fact, that Tonks, like it or not, was a Death Eater, undercover though she was, alongside Snivellus, it changed nothing.
He watched, his heart sinking to the pit of his stomach, as the briefest hints of a hopeful smile flitted across Moony's scarred, prematurely lined face, and he almost shuddered as the man was able to draw in breath again.
"Then…she's at the Burrow," Remus conjectured, nodding with certainty, though a muscle in his jaw and behind his right eye gave a twitch.
Sirius shook his head, not wanting to Moony the bloody truth at all. Remus was going to be heartbroken when he learned the truth of the nature of the mission that Tonks had undertaken, and more importantly, alongside whom she was working with, and the fact that Professor Dumbledore had forbidden Sirius to tell Moony until a later date and time.
Well. That time was now. This was bloody it.
Sirius clenched his teeth and squeezed his eyes tightly shut, exhaling a tense, shaking breath through his nose, not wanting to do this at all, wishing Dumbledore were here to incur the worst of Moony's wrath once the man learned the whole truth.
"Her flat in London, then. She returned to her own home," Lupin offered, feeling certain he was correct, all the while he glanced to the left and right of the kitchen in Grimmauld Place, at the Black ancestral home, as though half-hoping and expecting to see Tonks Apparate beside them.
But the remorseful look Sirius shot Remus told the werewolf otherwise.
"Moony."
There was a hint of steel in Sirius's voice that told Remus he must listen, wincing as Remus flinched away in hurt and surprise.
Sirius let out a sigh and continued, knowing the next information he would reveal would be the blow that wounded Moony more than anything.
Sirius let out a low groan and forced himself to continue before he lost his nerve and resolve.
"Tonks is…she went undercover as a Death Eater."
Poor Remus looked as though Sirius had slapped him or punched him squarely in the gut.
All his hopes of his partner being safe crumbled to dust as an instant as the man's lined face turned sour, the jittery dim light from the overhead light above their heads made the shadows that flitted across his scarred face to give Moony's appearance a truly monstrous grimace.
Moony looked as if he had one more stressing or terrifying thought, then the lonesome man would surely burst, and it was all Sirius's fault.
His hand, at the moment into a first, unfurled to clutch at his chest. The soft fabric of his sweater tangled within his rough, calloused fingers.
His hammering heart had just begun to slow down when he felt able to take in a full breath again. He let his heavy hand rest on his heaving chest. Remus took in a long, shaking breath. One. Two. Three. Back out.
One. Two. Three. Four.
Lupin hadn't realized it, but he'd closed his eyes while doing so, the flickering of the light above their heads present.
Sirius flinched as he watched in silence as Moony's eyes flung wide open, the light brown twinkling color now gone, replaced with something harder and much darker as they turned into smoldering, fathomless pits.
"What?" Remus spat, recollecting Tonks's strange behavior in the forest clearing, how her behavior had been rather peculiar, as though she were attempting to conceal the truth from him, already fearful that he knew Sirius's answer, that the man had never once lied to him, and Padfoot wasn't about to start now.
As his eyes desperately searched Sirius's for the truth, Remus could detect no hint of malice or deceit within his eyes.
"Th—that's not possible," he stammered. "Tell me it isn't true, Sirius!"
But Sirius was already shaking his head. "I'm afraid so, Moony. I wanted to tell you sooner, but Dumbledore forbad me from mentioning it."
He shot Remus a pained look and tried to apologize for his part in all this with his eyes, hoping that Remus, ever the calm, collected man he knew his best mate to be, would take it in stride and eventually forgive him.
Sirius bit down hard on his tongue, so hard that he tasted the tang of iron on his tongue and as he swallowed, he realized that it was blood. He cringed, awaiting the tirade of Moony's that he knew was sure to come.
The man was looking utterly distraught and crestfallen.
"She—she should not have! She should have come back with me!" Lupin snapped, his eyes burning with rage, though not from what Tonks had done, Sirius knew, but rather, Sirius knew that Moony blamed himself for her plight.
"Severus Snape is Tonks's partner, Remus," Sirius chided gently.
"Don't call him that! I'm her partner, Sirius! Not him," he growled, his light brown eyes darkening until they were almost hollow blackened pits.
"But like it or not, that's what he is, Moony," Sirius remarked coldly with a raise of his brow. "You were my cousin's partner. And now you aren't. You had your chance, and you chose to abandon Tonks, Remus."
Remus shook his head, not able to comprehend what he had just heard. The idea of Tonks undercover, branded with the Dark Mark, was utterly ridiculous.
There could be no way. There just had to be another explanation.
"No! That's—that's not possible, Sirius! You're—you're lying! She's an Auror, she's not one of them!" he began to shout, bolting upright from his chair so fast that he overturned it, a deep, rumbling, wolfish growl emitting from deep within his chest as he kicked aside the chair Lupin had upended. "She—you're wrong! Dora's not with Snape! She's my partner!"
Sirius listened to his best friend's rant, his understanding quickly turning to a horrible feeling of incredulity that settled in the pit of his chest.
"You gave up that right, Moony," Sirius patiently reminded Lupin, much to his annoyance and chagrin. "My little cousin loves you, Remus. I know this for a fact."
Sirius furrowed his brows in a frown as his mind traveled back to a few weeks ago when Moony had stormed into the kitchen the night after his and Tonks' argument on that rooftop, at least according to Nymphadora, who had confided in Sirius for his advice.
"Tonks respects you, or at least, she used to," he growled darkly through gritted teeth as his pale gray orbs narrowed as he looked at his best mate. "She saw the same goodness in you that I always have, and I've been trying to tell you this for years but you're too damned stubborn and won't listen!"
Sirius had seen the connection his baby cousin and best mate shared with his own two eyes, the depths of Tonks and Lupin's feelings for one another, and he understood throughout the year of their increasingly warm friendship as Professor Dumbledore paired the two of them together on overnight missions for the Order how much their love and affection grew.
"How?" Lupin demanded. He could hear his voice cracking and breaking as he asked his best friend the one question that he wasn't sure that he wanted an answer to. "How did Dumbledore agree to this foolish idea, and why?" he growled, seizing on tufts of his hair, and tugging on them violently. "And Snape of all people," Remus snarled, restlessly beginning to pace the length of the kitchen floor, tugging on tufts of his hair in agitation. "She can't stand him, Sirius."
Lupin was certain there had to be some reason other than her own wounded heart that would cause his Dora to agree to become Severus Snape's partner, the greasy-haired old git.
He could not fathom that Tonks would ever agree to work alongside the man, undercover mission for the Order of the Phoenix or otherwise.
"Dumbledore seems to believe the pair will work quite well together," Sirius reported, though even Padfoot was unable to stop the sniff of disdain that escaped his flaring nostrils, like that of an enraged angry bull.
Remus's normally kind light brown eyes had now darkened as his head whiplashed sharply upward and he stopped his restless pacing were smoldering, fathomless pits as he shot a withering glower towards Sirius.
Sirius flinched as he swore he saw the shadow of the Wolf within dart across Moony's face as it paled, though as Sirius parted his lips open slightly to speak, the man was not given a chance as Remus interrupted.
"Dumbledore sent her undercover with Snape? Together?" He scoffed and resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "So, Dumbledore was behind this?"
Remus was sure there was a conspiracy behind all of this. There just had to be. There could be no other explanation for Tonks to go with Snape.
"Behind what?" Sirius demanded incredulously, slowly rising from his chair, though he made no move to go around the kitchen table and stand beside his best friend. "Severus Snape, like it or not, has served as a double agent for years. Tonks selflessly agreed to volunteer her services alongside the man as a mole. She's an incredibly talented and gifted young witch, Moony. I would have thought you of all people knew this. You were her partner, after all," he growled, his words cutting through Remus's heart better than a knife, but he did not stop there. "They were the obvious choice. Not you, Moony," Sirius grumbled sadly and shook his head no.
In truth, Sirius was growing annoyed with Moony's ego. Remus needed no reminder.
In the man's mind, Sirius could see it in Moony's eyes, how his best mate was currently reliving every moment he had ever spent with Nymphadora Tonks and recalled how his love had taken hold.
"Perhaps Tonks simply gave in to Dumbledore's persistent, annoying demands," Remus conjectured, his tone laced to the brim with a trace of bitterness.
There had been no one there at the time this ridiculous plan had set into motion from Albus Dumbledore's zealousness and egocentric ways.
Sirius let out a noise that sounded like a cross between a laugh and a snort as he shook his head.
"When did you ever know my baby cousin to give in to anything, Moony? And believe it or not, this was her idea. Not his."
Sirius scoffed, and then Sirius thought about how much the news of hearing that Tonks was now a Death Eater, undercover status for the Order alongside Snape notwithstanding, must be tearing Moony apart.
His tone softened and his facial muscles relaxed as he tried to explain.
But then, as quickly as it had come, his face hardened once more as he shot Remus an admonishing look.
"If you would have been honest with her from the start, Moony, about your feelings, rather than always pushing her away from you, this would not have happened," he snarled angrily.
The expression on Sirius's face only incensed Lupin's rage further.
"But I…I love her," Lupin whispered hoarsely, staggering backward as he curled his hand into a fist and slammed it down forcefully on the table.
Sirius watched, his own expression impassive, as his best friend's face morphed into that of a mad man, and for a split second, he saw the shadow of the Wolf within flit across his best mate's features a second time.
"I—I'll find her," he growled through gritted teeth. "I'll find Tonks," Remus seethed, turning away from Sirius so the man could only make out his side profile. "When I find her, and I take her away from Severus," he snapped, "she won't be able to deny that she's my partner. Not his, that I'm the one she loves, that Dora does not need to do this to prove a point."
Sirius shook his head in disappointment. "You have a remarkably funny way of expressing your love for my cousin, Moony. What will you do when you find her again? Push her away for the tenth time, hmm? She will not leave, Remus. Tonks won't abandon the mission at hand to leave with you. You really bloody think that she would?" Sirius snapped; his tone curt.
"Then I'll take her," snarled Remus, the edges of his lips curling upwards to reveal his gums, the dim light casting shadows across his face, creating the impression that he was now more werewolf than sane man.
Sirius stared at poor Remus with shock and disbelief brimming in his pale gray orbs. Had his best friend lost his bloody mind, short of a marble?
"I can guarantee you that not only Tonks will not allow that to happen, but you would be jeopardizing Snivellus's position as well, and depending on how well she rises within the ranks, Lord Voldemort would be first to notice that something was amiss if she just up and vanished."
Sirius felt his face drain of color as he looked up into his best friend's eyes with a sad frown. It killed him to see poor Moony pine and ache so bad for his own cousin, longing for someone that he had pushed away.
"Moony," Sirius whispered, drawing in a deep breath, and closing his eyes. "If you go after her now, you'd be risking everything. You'd be dead before you set one foot inside of Lord Voldemort's sanctuary, and you may cause Tonks's death as well."
He illustrated a dreadful ending for the girl, hoping to get his point across that what Moony wanted to do was stupid.
Remus, for his part, said nothing. The man simply stood there, his lips slightly parted open as though he meant to say something, but must have thought better of it, for he promptly closed his mouth as it contorted into a grimace, his breaths shallow and his eyes narrowed from utter self-hatred.
"Do you even hear yourself? Listen to what you're saying, Moony. I am sure that's exactly what my cousin would want for herself, to be dragged away from her mission in the midst of uncovering Voldemort's secrets alongside Snape. She has a shot to truly make a difference here. What did you honestly think Tonks was going to do, Remus?" Sirius asked, continuing to grill his best mate, trying to get Remus to see a lick of sense. "Did you simply assume that Tonks was just, what, going to pine away for you for the rest of her life like some widow if something happened to you on your quest to infiltrate into Greyback's camps?" He scoffed and rolled his eyes. "You didn't even give her that much, did you, Remus?"
Sirius could no longer contain his venom. Poisonous though his words were, they were also true, and he knew better than most, Moony needed to hear it in order to see sense.
Tonks was his cousin, and though Remus was his best mate, he hated the way that Remus had treated Tonks so coldly.
"Why didn't you tell me the truth?" Remus asked quietly, his voice breaking as he did so. "You could have told me the truth, Sirius…"
"It would not have made a difference," Sirius growled under his breath. "Dumbledore forbade it because he knew you'd react…like this," he muttered, wildly gesticulating to Remus to emphasize his point. "The mission at hand is her new priority, Moony. Not you, and…" he sighed.
"And?" Remus glowered, pleading for Sirius to elaborate further.
Sirius huffed in frustration and shot a stone-cold glare Moony's way.
"Merlin's Beard, Moony, do I really need to say it? You left her," he growled. "You broke my cousin's heart," he indicated. "Just as yours is now breaking." Here, Remus ducked his head in shame at the cold truth. "She mourns for you and this is her way of letting you go after you rejected her feelings on top of that Merlin-damned bloody rooftop, Remus. Truly."
When Moony did not respond, Sirius let out another haggard sigh and pinched at the front of his temples.
But Merlin, he was getting a headache and he knew it had nothing to do with the glass of wine he'd just drank.
"Remus." Here, Sirius sounded pensive. "Tell me the truth, because I am failing to understand why." Sirius stared ahead, averting his gaze from his best friend's forlorn state of misery. He knew what he was about to ask Moony would be heavy enough. "If you love Tonks so much," he swallowed, "then why did you leave her?" he questioned, angered.
Lupin's face flushed high with color as it turned mournful. He eyed Sirius with a look of disbelief. Surely, Sirius knew of his reasonings by now.
"I do not deserve her, Padfoot, old friend." Remus shook his head. "I told her that I was hateful, a wretched werewolf, a plague on society. If I had stayed with her, I'd have poisoned Tonks with my own wickedness."
Remus hung his head sullenly, ignoring the look of shock on Sirius's face, and swallowed hard past the lump in his throat, forcing himself to continue.
"I had to make Tonks hate me on that rooftop," he admitted. "If she had followed me, you, and I both know she would have, it would have meant her death. Greyback would have killed her or Turned her like me."
Sirius barely stifled his growl of anger. "That does not change what happened, Moony. You left the woman you loved alone and the life that the two of you could have shared with one another. You broke my baby cousin's heart and almost died the other day because of a damned lie!"
He was panting heavily now, his voice rising an octave in anger.
Shaking, Lupin righted the chair that he had overturned in his fit of anger and collapsed into it, sitting stiffly against the back of the chair.
He could barely breathe, and he forced himself to take deep, shaking breaths of air and forcing his chest to rise and fall. "I threw it away for nothing. I—I was a fool, Sirius." Remus cursed himself, closing his eyes.
Letting out an agonized moan, Lupin rested his face mournfully in his hands and swore he could see Tonks's pained expression on that rooftop the night that he had abandoned his partner and left her to her devices.
"Merlin," he swore. "I—I hurt her, Sirius, and I don't know how to… fix this…" he croaked hoarsely, hating himself even worse than before.
Sirius offered up no response, at least not at first, allowing his best friend a few moments to mourn what he could have had with her in silence before forcing the practical side of his mind to take over once more, wanting nothing more than to put an end to this conversation at once.
"You made your choice, just as Tonks has made hers," he reminded Remus stoically. "Even if you think it was the wrong choice, honor it."
Sensing Moony was not convinced as the man opened his mouth to argue, Sirius let out a short, agitated bark-like noise and let out a growl.
"It was still your choice to make, ill-informed though it was," he confronted Remus, wishing with all his might that things had been different between Moony and his cousin.
If they had, Tonks would not be a Death Eater in Lord Voldemort's ranks, and Moony would have a girl.
"Tonks is a Death Eater now, Remus. She's working with Snape to gain as much intel on Voldemort's activities as best as she can. You need to honor that this was her choice and allow her to carry it out without interference."
His jaw steeled with determination as he glared at Remus. "You have no right to disturb her during this mission, Moony. Tonks does not need nor can she afford you as a distraction right now. It will ruin everything."
Remus sat quietly in his chair, mulling over Sirius's words. In truth, there was a part of him that was glad that Tonks had not spent the last several weeks wallowing in sadness, longing for a man who'd rejected her and had broken her heart, as misguided as his intentions may have been.
The thought of winning Tonks back had burned a hole in his mind, spreading like a plague until poor Lupin could think of nothing but her.
His pale, scarred, and lined face turned into a mask of utter anger, his writhing hands clenched into balled, shaking fists.
Remus shook his head, as if attempting in vain to clear the slowly spreading resignation that had begun to seep into the confines of his tortured mind as he thought of her.
He remembered that night on the roof, capturing Tonks's head in his hands following their first kiss after she'd pulled away, thinking she'd hurt him by overstepping a boundary just then and kissing her again, this time much more passionately and less shocked than he'd initially been before.
How his heart thought it would burst, brimming with the love for Tonks that he had fought to suppress over the weeks that turned into months of their partnership. He'd finally known what it was to be happy.
And then, with a few cutting remarks, he had ruined everything.
"No!" Remus growled, slamming his fists against the oak of the kitchen tabletop. "I—I can't accept this, Sirius! I know that Tonks loves me. And I love her," he proclaimed, his voice cracking as he confessed it. "We're meant to be together, she and I. I—I have to go and find her…"
Sirius groaned mournfully. "Remus, please," he implored, fully aware he was begging the man now. "Please don't bloody do this to Tonks. Not now."
His eyes bored into Lupin's as if he could somehow silently will his best friend back into a coherent state of mind that way but to no avail.
Sirius could already see that Moony wasn't heeding his words, much less paying attention to anything that came out of his mouth meant as advice.
"I have to try to get her back," Lupin vowed, shaking his head with conviction, his mind already made up.
Sirius could see it in his eyes.
"No, Moony, don't do this! Don't do it!" Sirius tried to stop him as Lupin bolted to his feet, stowed his wand in an interior pocket of his jacket, and made for the kitchen's entryway that led out into the hallway of his parents' house, where Sirius knew Moony was heading for the front door.
Remus paused his hand on the knob of the front door, turning to offer Sirius a coy little smile before wrenching open the door and leaving.
"I'll find her, Sirius," he promised, his mind already racing ahead. "Just wait and see. The next time you'll see me, I'll bring Tonks home where she belongs. With me," he promised, stepping across the threshold that separated the interior of his parents' house from the outside world and turning on the heel of his brown Oxford shoes and Disapparating.
Sirius's distress over Remus' stupid bloody plan to win Tonks back in the midst of a dangerous mission for the Order gnawed at his mind as he restlessly paced the hallways of Number 12, Grimmauld Place in agitation.
He loved Moony in his own way, yes, the man was his best friend, after all, and he wished that Tonks would have come to her senses too and not agreed to this plan of hers and gone with Snape undercover.
However, Sirius knew better than most that his baby cousin was more than justified in choosing her own path and she did not need Remus' approval for that.
And Remus had no right to disturb and upend her and Snape's mission, or worse.
Sirius knew he had no other bloody choice left to him. There was no other way to stop the disaster that threatened to occur, considering Moony had just Disapparated without telling him where he was going off to.
Furrowing his brows in a frown, he walked to a nearby desk in the living room parlor, cringing and fighting back a sneeze at all the dust. One more bloody thing to scold Kreacher for if he found the runt.
He hastily took a quill from an old clay cup and scrawled on a piece of parchment to Snivellus of all people, the git, describing Moony's intentions, and beseeched the recipient of the intended letter for his help.
As soon as he could track down Hermes, his old owl, and send the letter, he would send the bird into flight along with his warning to Snape.
And he could only pray that his message wouldn't be too bloody late.
A difficult conversation to be had, for sure! Hopefully, Remus can find a way to get to Tonks or send a message, because things are about to become a lot more complicated as the next chapter, she learns that the Dark Lord has assigned her to infiltrate the Ministry of Magic with none other than Barty Crouch Jr. by her side, who has sinister intentions regarding the use of her Metamorphmagus powers.