Warning this is an emotional chapter: John needs to deal with what has happened to him and he also needs to deal with the emotional baggage he has kept shoved in a dark corner of his mind for most of his adult life.
Warning: There is definitely a bit of John and Teyla mush in this chapter as well.
To the guest who asked why Carson didn't just use the healing compound on his right arm as well. It was because Carson was still worried about the skin grafts and since his other wounds were well on the way to healing, he decided that it was worth the risk with those injuries.
Chapter 20: Emotional healing.
Teyla awoke with a start and for a moment she had no idea where she was. There was a moaning coming from somewhere nearby and she wondered why there was a person in her room, but if it was her room why was she sitting in a chair. Slowly looking around the room it didn't take her long to remember that she was in John's quarters and he was the one that was moaning from the bed.
It had been two days since John had been released from the infirmary and she had spent the most time with him. Ronon was just too impatient to sit still and watch over him and Rodney was just too loud and talkative, so since she was able to sit still for long periods of time and remain quiet, it was decided that she would spend the majority of her time keeping an eye on John.
Carson had had him on his feet a few days before and although he had no problem getting around the room it appeared to tire him out quickly. Carson had also conducted tests to make sure that there was no damage to John's brain, and they were all happy when the tests came back and everything seemed to be in order.
All that they needed to do now was get his right arm and the fingers on his right hand working properly and build his strength up. His emotional needs were going to be a bit more difficult though, he had been though a lot in the last three weeks, but he had also been through a lot over the last three years and more often than not he would just tuck any trauma that he suffered into a dark corner of his mind and forget about it, but it appeared as if that dark corner was getting incredibly crowded and if things didn't come out soon he would have serious long term problems.
A deep moan startled her from her contemplations and when she looked up, she found that John was thrashing about in his bed, "John, it alright you are just having a bad dream," she whispered in his ear and she was relieved when he settled down again.
She was just about to settle down again when her com activated. Tapping her earpiece, she answered quietly, "Teyla here."
"Teyla luv, it's Carson here, I was just wondering how colonel Sheppard is?"
"He seems a little unsettled at the moment, so I think he is having a nightmare."
"Has he tried to talk to you about anything as yet?"
"No, he has not, in fact he has spent most of the last two days sleeping. I promise I will let you know if he opens up and talks to me."
"I'll just let you know that Caldwell is getting a little frustrated with the situation and he wants Colonel Sheppard taken back to earth."
"Perhaps I will tell Colonel Sheppard that when he wakes up, Teyla out."
That was all she needed to hear, the Daedalus had arrived in orbit the day before and Colonel Caldwell was obviously itching to have John removed from command, but that was nothing new, he'd been trying to get rid of John ever sin the Daedalus had docked in Atlantis for the first time two years ago.
But there was no way she was going to let that happen, because as soon as John woke up, she was going to make him speak to her.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
John was on a beautiful planet and he was standing admiring the most fantastic waterfall he had ever seen; the water was cascading down a thirty-foot cliff face and the sound was deafening as it hit the clear blue water below. The spray on his face was exhilarating and he never wanted to move but seeing as he had nowhere else to go it wasn't really a problem.
A strange moaning sound came from the brilliant blue water and he wondered what it was, as far as he knew he was alone there, so why would there be anyone in the water.
A sense of dread came over him as he approached to lake, but for reasons that he couldn't explain he felt strangely drawn to the inky blue darkness. Stepping forward with caution he peered over the edge of the lake and saw an unusual face, he had no idea whether it was a reflection of him, or a face of someone who was in the water.
He still had a sense of foreboding as he leant over to try and get a closer look, but he still couldn't see, so he leant in even closer. Suddenly two hands sprang up out of the water and grabbed him by the throat and after the initial shock, he started to struggle against whoever or whatever had him by the throat, it wasn't long before he was gasping for breath and right before he passed out, he looked straight into the eyes of a man who should have been dead; it was Viallso…
He awoke with a start to find that his heart was pounding and sweat was pouring off his forehead, he'd had the same dream two nights in a row, and he had no intention of having it again, so basically, he had two options, to try and talk to someone, or never go to sleep again. Right now, never sleeping again seemed like his best option.
A soft gentle voice slowly permeated his senses, and it didn't take him too long to realise that it was Teyla trying to speak to him.
"John, do not worry you are safe, you have just had a nightmare."
Turning to look at her delightful features and gorgeous smile, his pounding heart started to settle down to a steadier rhythm and looking into her eyes, he could see the worry and concern there, so at that moment he decided that he really needed to talk to his team.
"Teyla," he whispered, "I can't go on having these nightmares night after night, I think I really need to talk to you and the rest of the team about what is going on. I think that I would like Elizabeth here as well."
"It will be time for lunch soon, so I will contact them and perhaps we can all enjoy it together."
"Will you stay with me?"
"I will not leave your side John."
He nodded, thankful that she was with him, and very soon the rest of his team would be there to offer him some support as well, so for now all he could do was lay back in his bed and stay awake for as long as possible.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Rodney was in his lab pursuing the ancient data base, still looking for clues as to what had happened on XCZ-997 and he was fed up with it, although he knew why the Ancients had done what they'd done there had to be a reason why the wraith had stayed away from the planet. Surely it couldn't be as simple as the fact that for generations no one had lived there. If the ancients lived there ten thousand years ago, couldn't other races have lived there since, or had the genetically modified creatures kept people away?
Now that the Ngerans were living there, he wondered whether the wraith would take an interest in it again, or would the giant insects and animals scare them away? They were all incredibly good questions, but right now they were giving him a headache, so he decided that his best bet was to go and visit the underground eco-system, or maybe he'd send a team of scientists. He would have sent a team or two before now, but Elizabeth had wanted to talk to the Ngerans first, seeing as it was their home world now.
Looking at his watch he realised that it was probably time to go and have lunch and he was just shutting his computer down when his com activated.
"McKay here," he said tapping his earpiece.
"Dr McKay it is Teyla here and John has requested that we all have lunch together in his quarters."
"Has he decided to be civil yet, because the last time I tried to talk to him, he told me to get lost."
"Rodney!" She replied and he felt severely chastised by the tone in her voice "He has not been feeling the best, so he has every right to be a bit upset."
"Well, if that is him feeling a little bit upset, I'd hate to see him if he was really angry."
"Are you coming to join us or not!?" She demanded and he could sense her frustration.
"I'll see you in a few minutes, McKay out."
Taking one last look around his lab to make sure that everything was in place, he turned the light off and left the room. If he had to go and see Colonel Cranky pants now was as good a time as any and hopefully, he would be in a much better mood than the last time that he'd seen him.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Elizabeth felt like hitting her head against the wall, Colonel Caldwell had just left her office after ranting at her for twenty minutes as to why Colonel Sheppard should step down. If he didn't, he would personally go to stargate command to make sure he was stood down. Worse still he insisted on hanging around until Colonel Sheppard either returned to duty or was stood down, in which case he would be happy to take command. She had politely told him that Colonel Sheppard was well on the way to recovery and he would be able to resume his duties in a short period of time.
If she hadn't had a mound of paperwork to do, she would have put her head on the desk and slept, but then the sooner she finished the never-ending pile of reports, the sooner she could leave her office for the day.
She was about to take a report of the large pile when Ronon walked into her office, "what can I do for you Ronon?" She asked in surprise.
"You called me twenty minutes ago and said you wanted to see me."
Of course, she did, but Caldwell being in her office had distracted her to the point where she had completely forgotten about it.
"Please sit down Ronon," she said pointing to a chair.
"I'm good."
"Of course, you are, "she muttered to herself.
Taking a deep breath, she looked up at the big Satedan, "Carson has told me that you are injuring too many of the marines with your training techniques and he has asked me to talk about it with you."
"Sorry," he muttered.
Great, she thought, this is going to be a conversation that goes nowhere fast.
"Can you please try and be gentler with them, or better still do something else for a while?"
"I can't."
This was slowly becoming frustrating for her, why wasn't Sheppard here or even Lorne would do, but Sheppard was injured, and Lorne and his team were off world at the moment, so unless she wanted to ask Caldwell to do it, it was up to her, "you can't lay of the marines or you can't do something else?"
"I can't do something else, because I'm bored without being able to go off world with Sheppard and the team, and I will try and go easy on the Marines."
Wow! She had absolutely no idea the man could speak so eloquently, it was succinct, but it was defiantly eloquent.
"Perhaps we should see about sending you off world with another team until Colonel Sheppard is feeling better."
"That works," he mumbled, before finally deciding to sit down.
Before she had a chance to continue the conversation, her com activated. What now, she thought, tapping her earpiece? "Weir here."
"Doctor Weir it is Teyla here and John has requested that we all meet in his quarters and share lunch together, he would really like to talk to everyone."
"I hope he's in a better mood than when I tried to talk to him yesterday, he politely asked me to go away, but I could see the frustration in his eyes."
"I think he would like to apologise to us all, so can you please come as soon as possible, because I have the cooks sending over some sandwiches to share."
"Ronon is with me as well, so I will let him know what it is going on."
"I will see you soon, Teyla out."
"What's happening?" Ronon asked, before she had a chance to open her mouth.
"We are all going to meet in Colonel Sheppard's quarters for lunch."
"Has he stopped being a baby yet?"
"Why would you call him that Ronon?" She asked with confusion.
"He's been sulking a lot lately and it's really becoming annoying. He should just get over it and move on and if he can't, he should hit something."
All she could do was roll her eyes at that comment, of course that's the way that Ronon would deal with problems, but then thinking back to how she felt when Caldwell was in her office, it didn't sound like a bad idea.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Staring at the ceiling John tried to work out what he was going to say to each of his friends, he had been in a really bad mood since he'd woken up from his ten-day sleep and he didn't know why. He knew that he should be grateful that his recovery wasn't going to take longer, but then he had been through a lot and he had been plagued by nightmares for weeks. All he really wanted to do was get on with it, since he hated lying around doing nothing for days on end. It really became monotonous very quickly and it made him frustrated and cranky.
A soft gentle voice interrupted his thoughts, "John, Elizabeth and the rest of the team are on their way and I have organised to have some sandwiches sent over for lunch."
"Thanks, Teyla, I really appreciate you being here for me over the last couple of days and if I have been angry with you, I want to apologise."
"That is okay John, I understand that you are not at your best at the moment."
Suddenly the thought of seeing his team completely freaked him out, "you know what Teyla maybe I'd like to speak to you alone before I speak to the others. Perhaps we can have dinner with the rest of the team."
He was relieved when she nodded her head, "I will contact the others and let them know."
Once she had stepped out of the room, he went back to staring at the ceiling, trying to get the image of Viallso choking the life out of him out of his mind. He knew that it was a dream, but it was still disturbing.
When she came back a few minutes later, he decided that he was ready to talk, no matter how emotional the conversation was.
Teyla came back in the room a few minutes later and took his hand, "John," she whispered, "the others have agreed to meet us for dinner, so if you want to talk, I am ready to listen."
He continued to stare at the ceiling, trying to gain to courage to speak about his emotions. He hadn't been good at that for years, thanks to his father, who always told him that real men never let anyone see how they're feeling. As far as he was concerned that had messed up most of his adult life, to the point where his marriage had split up. Nancy had hated it when he came home from top secret missions injured or hurt and when she had asked him what was wrong, he had simply closed up and said that he was fine and he was all too aware that it was his standard response even now.
Taking a deep breath, he slowly turned his head towards her and smiled, "umm…Teyla umm…you have to understand…umm…how hard this is for me."
"I understand John and I am here to help, just take your time and try to tell me how you are feeling?"
"Well, umm…you have to understand that my father always told me that real men don't cry, so for many years I have tried to bottle up everything that I have been feeling, but believe it or not I realise that's not good for me."
Teyla nodded at him, so he summoned the courage to continue, "Umm…I need to tell you about the nightmare's I've been having since I got back for Ngering and except for the ten days I was in a deep sleep, I have had them every night."
Teyla rubbed the back of his hand and he felt reassured by it," go ahead John it is just me here so don't worry."
He felt tears brimming in his eyes as he continued, "when I arrived back from XCZ-997 all I could think about was losing my arm and what that would mean for me. It really worried me that I might have to go back to earth, and I would lose my home here. The nightmares that followed in the next week, were ones of giant Spiders devouring me. I know it sounds stupid, but they really terrified me."
"It is not stupid John; you have been under a great deal of stress, so is perfectly understandable for you to be angry, scared and having nightmares."
He tried to wipe the tears from his eyes as he continued and, in the end, he gave up, because Teyla had already seen them anyway, "the nightmare I've had the last couple of nights, start off in a place of tranquillity. There is a large cascading waterfall and at its bottom is a huge blue lake and I am completely happy to be there. But then I see a strange shape in the water, so I go to investigate and then suddenly a pair of hands clasp me around the throat and try to choke the life out of me, finally I manage to look into a face, and it is Viallso, then I wake up."
He really wanted to feel Teyla close to him right now, so he was happy when she pulled him closer, so that he could rest his head on her shoulder. "Please go on John, I am still here for you."
"I understand that the spider-bite was just a stupid accident, but what Tiall did to me, all because his commander told him too, I don't understand that."
"But he did the right thing in the end did he not?"
"Yes, and I can forgive him for what he did, because in the end his true character showed through, but then Viallso decided he wanted to kidnap me and use me to bargain for weapons, for who knows what purpose. Then when I kill him the Ngerans treat me like some frigging messiah."
"John you have given these people hope, where once there was none. In fact, since you have been on Atlantis you have given a lot of people hope for a positive future."
"At times I am forced to kill people to protect others, but believe it or not, I don't enjoy taking a life."
"I understand how you feel John and we have all been forced to make those difficult choices at times, but what makes us better than people like Liallso, Viallso, or Koyla is that we don't like to do it."
"And I know that I should be grateful that most of my wounds have healed, but I just want to get back to my life."
The tears were flowing freely by this time and he didn't pull back when Teyla pulled him closer, he hadn't felt comforted by another human being in the same way since his mother had died when he was fourteen, so he the tears flow. He cried for the loss of his mother all those years ago, he cried for the broken relationship that he had with his father and brother, he cried for all of his friends that he had lost, but most of all he cried for himself and everything that he was feeling right now.
Teyla was his rock right now, so he clung to her like a drowning man. He had no idea how long he clung to her, but eventually he pulled away and wiped the tears from his eyes, "thank you Teyla for being here for me."
"You are most welcome John; you know that I would do anything for you don't you?" She said as she leant forward towards him.
He thought that she was just going to touch her forehead together with his like she always did, but instead she kissed him on the lips and if he hadn't been so surprised, he would have kissed back.
"I will leave you alone to rest now John and I think you have plenty to think about. I will come and collect you later for dinner, but for now I think the cooks have left a sandwich or two outside of your door if you are hungry."
"Are you sure you should be leaving me alone, I mean won't Carson be angry with you," he smirked and for the first time in a while, he actually felt happy.
"Do not worry about Carson, I will deal with him," She said with a hint of mischief in her eyes. "Anyway, please try and get some rest, I will come back later to take you to the mess hall for dinner, that is if you feel up to it."
He watched as she walked through the door and he knew that he certainly had a lot to think about. Teyla had just kissed him, did that mean that she felt the same way about him as he did about her? He certainly intended to find out.
It had been a long emotional morning and he felt exhausted, so closing his eyes it wasn't long before he fell into a deep restful sleep.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
John had just woken up when Teyla walked into his room to collect him to escort him to dinner. She had changed out of her Atlantis uniform and had on one of her traditional Athosian outfits and for the first time in a long time the sight of her actually took his breath away. If what she had done earlier was a sign of her true intentions, perhaps it was about time he actually let her know how he felt, "you look beautiful Teyla," he said standing to his feet and pulling her in for a hug.
"Thank you, John, you look much better than you did this afternoon," She said placing a chaste kiss on his lips.
He had no idea what to do next, he really wanted to grab her and kiss her and hold her all night long, but he had no idea whether she was ready for more, so he just took her hand and opened his mouth, wanting to say something, anything to her, "Ummm…. Teyla we really need to talk, so perhaps we should meet up with the others and then we should talk about us later."
That sounded stupid! He chastised himself, we should talk later, maybe she wants to talk now, maybe she wants to kiss and do more now!
"I agree John, we should definitely talk later, but for now Rodney had arranged a special surprise for dinner."
That certainly piqued his interest, "yes ma 'am, I'm ready to go as soon as you are," he replied giving her a mock salute.
She grabbed his left hand and led him out of the room, it actually felt good having full use of his left arm and hand again and what was even better was he was steady on his feet as they moved through the corridors of Atlantis. Thanks to the healing compound the only injuries that he had left were the skin grafts on his right arm and the broken right fingers and Carson assured him that they would be one hundred percent in the next few weeks as well.
He was due to see Carson the next day and he really hoped that he would be able to be returned to light duty in the next week or so.
When he entered the mess hall a few minutes later he was surprised to see how packed it was. Many of his men came and wished him well and told him how they were glad that he was doing well. He smiled shyly at all of them and thanked them for their kind words, all the while feeling uncomfortable.
Finally, they arrived at the team's favourite table overlooking the ocean and he was surprised to that all of his team was there along with Carson and Elizabeth and in front of each on them was an enormous steak and baked potato.
"Is there one of them for me?" He asked sitting down at the table, next to Teyla.
"Sure, is Colonel, chef picked these up especially for you when you were feeling better. Apparently the Ngerans have animals that are identical to cows. They were reluctant to trade without a trade agreement in place, but when we told them that they were for you, they very quickly acquiesced." Rodney told him with a huge smile on his face and a look of pride in his eyes.
"It's good to see that you're feeling better John," Elizabeth told him, kissing him on the cheek.
"Aye lad, I'm glad you're feeling better," Carson added.
"Great to have you back Sheppard." Ronon said slapping him on the back.
He was beginning to feel embarrassed by all the attention that he was getting, so he looked down at the steak the chef had just given him and felt ashamed when he realised that it had been cut up for him, but then at least he could eat it by himself now and it wouldn't be too much longer until he was back too normal. So, for now he knew that he would just have to suck it up and get on with it.
Looking around at his friends he realised how close he had come to losing it, but thanks to Teyla and his team, he was feeling a lot stronger and he knew that when the time was right, he would be able to get on with the task of protecting Atlantis and everyone in it.
TBC…