if i am worth anything later,

i am worth something now.

for wheat is wheat,

even if people only think it is grass in the beginning.

"Makael!"

I gasped. Daddy was drunk again. I threw down the crayon I was holding and grabbed my teddy bear from the bed before scurrying to my closet.

"Makael Albarn!"

I resisted the urge to shout that that was not my name. My name was Maka. Makael was a boy's name. Why did Daddy keep calling me that?

The closet was pulled open and I felt a firm, cold hand wrap around my upper arm. Papa yanked me from the closet. It made my shoulder hurt.

"Where's your mother?" Papa slurred. I whimpered.

"Why are you calling me Makael?" I whimpered. I pulled my bear to my chest as Papa considered my words.

"Oh… Oh, that's right." He murmured. He yanked my arm again.

"Ow!"

"Where is Kami?" he roared, and I couldn't hold back my tears as fear closed my throat and my shoulder screamed in protest.

"I don't know!" I cried. "She found something in your room, and it made her sad! I asked if I could go too but she said no! She told me…"

"What?" he snapped and pulled my arm again.

"She said nasty things about you," I whispered. "She called you a cheater. What does that mean, Daddy?"

Daddy was quiet for a few moments and I thought he was going to let me go and leave me alone. I hoped he would. I was always happier when I was alone and not with my parents.

After a few minutes my arm started to ache worse, so I tried to pull away. At first, Daddy didn't react, and I pulled free. I rolled my shoulder and tried to back away from my Papa's frozen form.

But… Poor Daddy. He was just crouching on the floor, completely solid. He's sad. I made my way forwards and put my tiny hand on his shoulder.

"Daddy… Are you okay?"

At first, he didn't respond. I waited a few moments, but a strange feeling started building in my stomach. I felt nearly frozen with fear. This was a bad idea… I realised with the small voice in my mind. But as I started to draw my hand away, Papa's snapped down on mine.

"You little shit!" he roared and as he hit me. I fell down.

"Don't Daddy!" I sobbed fearfully, but he didn't care. He forced me to stand up just to hit me again, this time knocking me into the wall.

"It's all your fucking fault!" he bellowed. "Kami is gone and it's…" he empathised his words with another strike to my small body.

My mind was ringing. It's my fault? I asked myself in agony. I stopped crying while he hit me. The only noise was the breath being forced from my body with each blow. I'm the reason Mummy and Daddy are always shouting, screaming, and yelling.

I deserved this, I thought in anguish as tears streamed down my cheeks and my vision blurred. Daddy's voice sounded like it was from a long way away. But I deserved this. It was all my fault…

"Maka?"

I didn't open my eyes as the infirmary's door creaked open. Some light from the hall spilled into the dark room and lit up the bottom of my bed. I covered my eyes at the sight of it and swallowed a groan of annoyance. My stomach was in knots from my dream and my pillow felt wet. I rubbed my face furiously as I sensed someone shuffling in the doorway.

"May I come in?"

Miss Marie hovered in the doorway and peeked through the half open door. I thought about faking sleep for a moment, but this was the first-time Marie had tried to talk to me since my Papa beat me, which was almost an entire week ago. I sighed before turning on my back and sitting up to meet eyes with the woman.

"Yes, Miss Marie," I said quietly, not knowing how to talk to the woman I was told was so guilt-stricken.

Miss Marie kept her eyes on the floor as she made her way into the room, she started to close the door but stopped as the light was chased out and the room grew dark once more. She looked at me again.

"May I turn the light on?" she asked in that same soft, almost tentative voice. I nodded and hid my irritation. She was talking to me as if she was speaking to a scared child. It was almost insulting.

Marie flicked on the light and closed the door the entire way. I squinted as the light invaded my eyes and I fought the urge to cover them as I knew that would hint to Miss Marie how long I had been laying there in the dark. I knew Marie would have something annoyingly perceptive to say if she knew about that, and I didn't have the energy to deal with that right now.

Miss Marie, who I knew usually liked the sit on the side of my bed from all the times she had entered my bedroom, took one of the empty seats near the window and pulled it to the bedside before sitting down. Only then did she lift her eyes to mine and finally offer a gentle smile.

"How have you been doing, Maka?"

I didn't answer.

"The time you were meant to return to your own room is more than overdue. Want to tell me why you're so keen to remain here?"

I gritted my teeth but again didn't answer. Marie swallowed thickly before looking to the floor.

"…I've been told from the other councillors sent to talk to you that you haven't been very cooperative. Can you tell me why that -"

"None of them were my previously assigned councillor."

My firm, cold voice overlapped Miss Marie's soft and quiet one. The room grew thick with tension but remained as quiet as it had been since Marie had come in. Miss Marie closed her eyes and took and deep, shaky breath before shaking her head slowly. I almost frowned. That was unprofessional. Why was she acting like this?

"No… No, they were not." She answered, even though I made more of a statement than ask question.

"You are." I added, my eyes firm on Marie while hers were glued to the sheets that covered my legs.

"…Yes." Miss Marie nodded. "But… If I had come here to try and speak with you about the – the incident. Would you have spoken to me? Would you have told me how you felt about what happened?"

I narrowed my eyes before clicking my tongue and looking away. Miss Marie nodded and kept her eyes on me.

"I may feel very responsible for what happened. But that would not keep me from my job. It was suggested that maybe you would respond well to other councillors since you are aware that I was the one who let you parents into your room."

I nodded slowly; my eyes still narrowed. Marie went on.

"But you didn't respond to them. Just like you don't respond to me. Your illnesses… they make you unwell, for sure – but no doubt they make you smart. You - You know what we look for when we talk to you and try to read you. You know what signs we look for when you lie, or when you're angry or upset. You know how to read emotions and body language just as well as we do... You use this, don't you Maka?"

I fought the urge to smirk. Instead, I pressed my tongue to the inside of my cheek and glared at the annoyingly white bed sheets before me. Was there a point to this?

Marie nodded, knowing I had answered her question with my silence.

"There's only one person you respond to. Only one person who has really… Been a benefit to you while you've been here."

I narrowed my eyes. She was not. She wasn't stupid enough to do this, was she? I finally looked up to access Miss Marie carefully. I suspected where she was going with this, but I tried to have faith that she was completely dumb. Miss Marie met my gaze head on before finally speaking the name:

"Soul."

I didn't even attempt to hide my snarl. This was the definition of none of her business. I didn't like the adults meddling in my personal matters. Soul and I didn't want to focus on what was wrong with us, we wanted to forget about that.

We couldn't have the adults pushing us to talk about our illnesses and things we weren't ready to discuss yet with each other. It would just destroy whatever it was we had. That can't be what Marie wants, so why wasn't she realising this?

I clicked my tongue in annoyance once more and tried to smother my rage. "Mine and Soul's relationship is not one I wish to discuss."

Miss Marie tilted her head.

"No? It has come to my attention that he has neglected coming here since…" she squinted her eyes in thought.

"Five days ago? That's the longest I've seen you apart."

My eyes flashed with anger as I offered Marie a tight but nasty smile. "That's irrelevant. This conversation is pointless. I'm going back to my room."

I pushed the covers off myself roughly and jumped out of the bed. I swayed a little bit, having been laying down for so long but my anger helped me stride to the door. Miss Marie followed behind me, her eyes a little more cautious. I was happy with that. She was right to be cautious with the way I was feeling right now.

"Maka, you're still in your nightgown, let's get you some clothes an-"

I was too pissed off. I scoffed as I swung the door open, my night gown like hospital robe billowed frantically around me as the door opened and I marched out. My bare feet slapped against the cold tiles as I desperately tried to get away from that woman.

"Maka. Maka, just wait a minute!" Miss Marie made a big mistake when she grabbed my wrist just as we passed the leisure area where all the other patients where. I halted very abruptly as Marie's cold, dainty hand wrapped around my skinny wrist. My bangs covered my eyes and the room grew very quiet as I spoke in a low voice.

"Miss Marie," I said quietly. "If you don't let go of my wrist - right now - I'm afraid the little outburst, as my Papa called it will look as innocent as a nun's sewing circle."

Marie let go of my hand as if she had been electrocuted. She opened her mouth to try and console me, but I only grew more and more angry. Then I noticed a flash of white at my side.

"Maka."

My breathing only grew heavier as Soul's taut, firm voice rang through the room. I didn't turn around, but I turned my head slightly, so an eye met his. Soul was calm, his hands buried in his pockets and he stood in his usual, casual slouch. But his usually bored, lazy eyes were hard and wary. He nodded his head towards one of the hallways, the one leading to the piano room – our piano room. The breath hitched in my throat. I nodded.

Immediately, Soul stepped forward and grabbed my wrist. He sent a look to Marie – who nodded – before he dragged me away.

As the piano room's doors came into view, I pulled from Soul's grip and marched forward to slam both doors open. They hit the walls loudly as I made my way into the room. Soul followed in slowly and closed the doors quietly behind him.

I ran my hands agitatedly through my hair and started pacing the glowing black and red floor. My breathing grew more and more erratic.

"I don't know how much longer I can cope with this," I growled, but didn't halt my pacing. Soul stood a few feet away, his eyes trained on my movements calmly.

"I'm just so – so angry. All the time." My voice raised hysterically. "I… I don't even – the littlest things, Soul. Miss Marie, she hardly even said anything! All she said was that you help me recover and I – I don't know Soul, I just snapped. But I don't know why! I – I – "

I released a small shriek of frustration. The fingers in my hair curled into fists and pulled at the roots.

"I feel so normal one moment," I rasped, my voice sounded pained and scratchy. "Then I'll just feel so sad. I don't want to move. I just want to lay in bed all the time. They – They kept on coming in, telling me I can go back to my room, but I didn't want to. You wanna know why?! Because my room was brighter than the infirmary, and all I wanted to do was lay in the dark on my own! Not even fucking sleep, Soul! Just – "

I pressed my hands over my face, releasing a low, pained groan before finally stumbling to a stop and falling to my knees, my face still buried in my hands.

"They kept peeking their stupid little heads in," I ranted as I lifted my face, not even glancing at Soul's face. "Asking me if I was okay, how I was doing, and it was just so… infuriating. I wanted to kill them. I wanted to jam their stupid heads in that stupid door just to shut them up and I have no idea why! They weren't doing any harm; they were literally just doing their jobs and yet it made me want to… want to –" I shoved my face in my hands again.

"And then – " I began before Soul could get a word in; my voice muffled behind my hands. "The smallest, tiniest thing is said, and it just flips a switch."

I pulled my hands from my face to look up at Soul. He was in the same place, his hands in his pockets and his eyes firm on me. They were hard and pained.

"You know what I mean? That switch, it can just go off and you snap." I took a very sharp inhale of air and pressed a hand to my forehead, the other hand slapping down onto the tiled floor as I leaned forward.

"Switch went off, Soul," I groaned.

"…And what happens to you when the switch goes off?" he asked, his voice quiet.

I didn't say anything as I glared at my pathetic reflection in the polished tiles and watched myself open my mouth to answer his question.

"I want to break things," I said, my voice shaking. "Scream. Run. Anything to just – burn out all the anger. It's like… I can feel the rage just start to build in my stomach until it runs through my veins and all I want to do is let it out. Just – Just hit things. A pillow, the walls, the floor, the people – "

I lifted my head, feeling totally exhausted as I said my next word.

"Me."

That's when I think Soul had had enough. He marched forwards to kneel before me and take my face in his hands. He snarled at me, his perfect, sharp white teeth bared and beautiful crimson eyes blazing.

"Then you need to get a hold of yourself." He barked at me. I looked up at him in shock, my brows creased into a frown.

"You're tougher than this, Maka," he snapped. "You can control your emotions. It's just the things that are wrong with you are making it harder. But when that happens it's not you."

He ran a hand through my hair, his eyes narrowing as my expression became more broken.

"It's not you," he repeated. "You need to realise that! And every time you start to feel that way, you will not lock yourself in the fucking infirmary and not let anybody in. And you won't go running off to go willow in your anger and misery alone. Find me, you fucking idiot! And I'll remind you of who you are and tell you again what you're not."

He dropped his hands to his sides and sat up straight to look at me with a hard expression before saying firmly:

"Because it sure as hell isn't this."

I swallowed thickly, the swirling agony in my mind finally began to subdue. I blinked up at Soul in slight bewilderment. He seemed to be shocked at the sudden awe in my gaze while I looked up at him. His previously angry eyes grew more and more confused and almost suspicious as he looked down on me.

I was just so… bemused by him. I didn't know someone could be so amazing and unconditionally kind – even if it was in the gruffest way possible. And I couldn't even comprehend why he would want to waste his time on some pathetic, completely unbalanced girl like me.

It hit me like the first time every time. He was just so beautiful. He was so sad and so beautiful. I'd never seen such kindness before. I never knew such kindness could exist.

Tears started to flood in my eyes, and it wasn't hard for Soul to notice. His eyes grew soft and he sighed before pulling me into his chest where I buried my face. His arms curled around me and he rubbed my back comfortingly. He buried his face in my hair and I groaned. Why was he doing this to me?

"Why are you so nice to me?" I sobbed. Soul just shushed me.

"I'm sure you'd do the same for me," he replied in a quiet voice. I glanced up to find him glaring at the ceiling. His face was pinched and pained. He's fighting, I realised. The hell inside his head. I tried to pull away, but Soul pulled me back.

"No, no it's okay," he said, obviously, as he caught me. "It's not so bad. It never is when I'm with you."

I hummed.

"Why do you think that is?" I asked and tilted my head up to look at him again. He smirked.

"Because you're such a splendid person?" he offered in a teasing voice. I scoffed.

"Thank you," I breathed. "But seriously, why? Why can't Oni really get to you when I'm here?"

Soul went quiet for a while.

"I think it's because…" he trailed off. "For the first time – I actually care about someone."

My breath shook and I felt a small percentage of the rage burn away in my stomach. I released a long exhale of relief.

"Same here," I said softly. I felt him freeze but I continued. "I was so, so angry before, even though I knew I had no real reason to be. And the fact that I knew that only made me so much angrier. But the moment you came…"

I smiled. I felt Soul nod and pulled away.

"Then whenever you're feeling all… psycho." I hit him lightly and he grumbled a laugh before going on. "I'll help."

I smiled and smacked him playfully again. "Okay, I think I'm ready to leave now."

"You're sure?"

"I'm sure."