Chapter Ten

Ever since Qetesh had been removed and she had been rejected by her own people, stoned even, Vala had to be in control of every aspect of her life. She never again would allow someone else to control her in any way, shape, or form. This led to her using the skill retained from her time as Qetesh and often used her sexuality to her advantage or to get out of a dicey situation. Control was needed for her to feel safe and sometimes, she needed it at any cost, even if it meant using her body as a means to get it. Whatever it took to stay in control.

Ever since meeting Daniel, she often felt like she was out of control and even found herself in situations where she felt like she had none whatsoever. Oddly enough, it was only with him. She was always able to take back control with a few simple words and/or actions with Daniel. She could handle him ranting and raving; what she couldn't handle is him making her feel things, things she hadn't felt since before she was taken as a host. Those feelings had gotten her nowhere in life. She had relied on them when she went back home after Qetesh was removed and look how that ended – with the man she thought she loved throwing the first stone at her. If it hadn't been for her mother's old friend, she would've never had made off the planet alive.

But feelings of those kind were brought to the surface after meeting a certain archeologist. Seeing him again after all this time had made those emotions hit her hard. Adding to the fact that Daniel had completely changed his tune and seemed interested in her, was willing to sleep with her, had thrown her off kilter, shattering her illusion of control once again. Sam telling her, well more like confirming Vala's fear (hope?) that Daniel was truly interested had sent her flailing and panicking. She understood Daniel's fear of getting hurt again, she was too, and had felt hopeful until Sam told her it was only because of a damn alternate reality where he witnessed the two of them in a happy, love-filled marriage. He only believed that was what he wanted…right? Wasn't that how that Earth expression went; monkey see, monkey want? She had to reclaim control at whatever cost and she knew just how to do it. Or so she thought; her efforts to regain the upper hand just now had backfired. Daniel had actually given in – a sign that he had drank the Kool-Aid (whatever that was. She'd heard Mitchell say it a few times). He was too far gone in this delusion that he actually wanted to be with her.

But his speech; it sounded so much like her Daniel that she wanted to believe him. She wanted to believe Sam. Everything was already so messy and complicated with the baby now, and let's not forget she technically just got divorced or would soon be. Is this really a good idea? Could she actually do this; risk letting him in and stealing some control? Could she really admit that he scared her shitless as well? Do you want to be alone forever? she whispered to herself. Daniel called her brave, but was she really?

"Ever since Qetesh, I have this need to always be in control," she admitted, trying to be the brave person he saw and tried to let him in, "and ever since I met you, it's like I've never had any. You scare the shit out of me too and I don't know how to do this, Daniel, I don't know how to give up that control. I need it to feel safe."

"Hey, hey," he said, trying to calm her down. She hadn't noticed how worked up she'd gotten or that she was half off the bed until he gently, but firmly, pushed her back against the back of the bed. "We can do whatever you need to do so you'll feel safe. We can go as slowly as you need to. I don't care how long it takes; I just want to be with you. Tell me what I can do to help you."

"I don't know, Daniel! I don't know how to do this," she repeated, almost hysterically, "I don't know how you can help!"

"Can you tell me what's got you so scared?" he was still calm and cool as a cucumber.

"I…I…" she tried to speak but words wouldn't come so she forced herself to say something, "The last time I tried to do this, it ended badly. I…I'm scared it'll end up like that again."

"Will you tell me what happened?"

Vala sighed and sniffed. What the hell was with the tears? Why couldn't she get a hold of them? Damn pregnancy. "Do you remember when I told you that I didn't used to be like this and that I had been engaged once?"

"Yeah," he mumbled gently, "and I know you were telling the truth. I'm sorry I assumed you were messing with me and didn't take it seriously when you tried to open up to me. I really do regret that."

"I was young and naïve back then," she began, "and I don't know if I would've stayed on that planet. I did have wanderlust, thanks to my father, and there's a good chance I would've left, but after Qetesh, all I wanted was a quiet life on my home world with the man who I thought I stilled loved. I don't know how I could've been so stupid," she chuckled humorlessly.

"What happened?" he gently prodded, though he already knew the answer from his time in the other reality.

She took a breath before continuing, "When I went home, I felt relief; I was finally safe and back in control of my own body but then I ran in to my former betrothed and his son, who was at least three years old – I had only been gone for four years, Daniel," she explained, pain and hurt crossing her face, "When I saw him, before I realized he had a son, I was so happy, but that quickly went away when I saw the look of disgust and rage on his face. The rest was a bit of blur, honestly. The next thing I knew, I was tied to a post and Leedan standing in front of me, spouting out the terrible things Qetesh had done."

"But that wasn't your fault," Daniel interrupted, "Surely they knew that you weren't in control of own body at the time."

She shook her head sadly. "They either didn't understand or didn't care. He was the one to cast the first stone and many followed. A few people understood and protested loudly. There was a big dispute and they all got distracted, enough for an old friend of my mother's to quickly untie me and help me get away. My disappearance was discovered only a few minutes afterwards and Ralen wasn't able to accompany me; because her age and for safety reasons. I had to make it out by myself. I have no idea how I was able to beat them to the Stargate, but I did and I've never looked back."

Daniel was silent for moment before speaking. "Vala, I'm really sorry you had to go through that," he told her sincerely. "But I'm not Leedan; I will never hurt you like that."

"It's not just about hurting me in that way, Daniel," she tried to explain, "it's about me and every time I open up my heart to someone, something happens, and I end hurt or hurting someone else; just look at what happened with Tomin! He is such a good man and look what I did to him. I don't want to keep doing that. I can't."

He was silent again, thinking of something to say that could comfort her but he wasn't really coming up with anything. He was thankful that she was trying and had opened up a little bit – that was progress and something they could build on. But what could he say that could reassure her? "Vala, I don't expect us to be perfect. In fact, I expect us to fight a lot as we have in the past," he confessed and tried to lighten the mood, "and as I've said, I don't expect nor want us to be them. I want to see what we, you and me, can be. While I can't promise it'll work out in the end, I can promise you that I'll try my fucking best. I want this to work more than anything I've wanted in a long time. I know we can work and I want this relationship with you, I want the family I just created with you – I want you, me, and our daughter to be a family, no matter how long that may take. So whenever you're ready, however slow you need to go, I am all in. I'll do what it takes. We're gonna be something great, Vala Mal Doran; one day you'll see that."

How did he always know what the right thing to say was? How did he know to always say the things that crumbled her resolve, that broke down her defenses? Things like that is what scared her, how easily he was able to get past those walls and defenses in a way like no other man had ever been able to. And she did, she wanted to be with Daniel, but would she allow herself to be vulnerable in that way again, to take that chance once more? She was able to survive Qetesh, survive the heartbreak from Leedan, but she honestly didn't think she could survive if things ended badly with Daniel. There was no getting over Daniel Jackson.

"I'm scared," she shakily whispered.

Daniel threaded his fingers through her hair and leaned against her forehead. "I am too, more than I've ever been in my life," he whispered back, "We can do this and we can go at whatever speed you need. You can have the control and call the shots."

"Really?" she said, shocked and a little skeptical.

"Well, most of the control – within reason," he amended.

"I'm going to be terrible at this," she warned.

"So am I."

"I'm not good at relationships."

"Neither am I."

"There's a good possibility that'll I'll ruin this," she confessed, "or I'll try to sabotage it either intentionally or unintentionally."

"There's a good chance of that for me as well," he admitted, "We'll just have to keep each other honest, be honest with one another. And we'll have to communicate."

"We're not very good at that."

"Then we'll get better."

"Are you sure you're the right Daniel Jackson?" she asked, half joking, "You're almost like a completely different person from the man I last saw months ago."

"I am one in the same," he confirmed for the thousandth time, "but you're right, I am a different person and that's why I know we can and will make this work."

"Cocky, are we?"

"Very."

Vala bit her lip. Was she honestly going to do this? She wanted to, she really did. And in a way, she felt like she had to give it a shot, for her daughter's sake if not for any other reason. Growing up, her father was almost always absent and she didn't want that for her daughter. Daniel would be there for her and their daughter – she had no worries about that. Was it really worth risking it? What if they did and it horribly wrong; how would that affect their child? Was taking the risk and failing better than not trying at all? Wouldn't there always be that 'what if?" hanging over their heads forever if they didn't try? Vala didn't want to get hurt and she certainly didn't want to hurt Daniel – she'd hate herself if she did. And wouldn't not taking that chance hurt him, even if she didn't intend to?

Bloody hell, she was actually going to do this, wasn't she? Vala realized the second her mind was made up and stopped herself from talking herself out of it. "Okay," she whispered to Daniel.

A large smile spread across his face. "Really?"

She returned his smile. "Really," she confirmed, "just go slow and bear with me."

"I will," he vowed and sealed their promise with a gentle kiss.

He would make sure she would never regret it.

o0o

Author's Note: So, Daniel and Vala (and the rest as well) will probably be out of character a bit. I failed to mention that earlier on. Remember, they are in a different reality and they'll be a bit different but it is my sincere hope that they're not too much. Let me know how I'm doing in that department!

As always, lemme know your thoughts and if I can improve somehow!