Jeanette is the first to arrive at the empty classroom at the end of the day for their weekly club meeting. This hour with these people has become the best part of her week. She's never met anyone like them before and she trusts them with her life. Her truth. Which is why, today, she thinks she might come clean. She might be brave enough to be honest with them. They deserve it.
Regan arrives next and is carrying a tote full of stuff so Jeanette greets her and offers to help.
"I got this, but if you could help arrange the desks that'd be awesome."
They get to work and chat a bit.
"So...what'd you bring?"
"I made buttons for anyone who wants them. Some have pronouns. Some have our hug preferences on them. And others are labels or flags."
"That's really cool."
"I hope everyone likes them. I spent the last two weekends on them."
Jeanette smiles at her as they finish up with the desks. "I'm sure they will. I'll take one for sure."
Regan beams brightly and opens the tote to show Jeanette the buttons.
"I feel like...I'm so lucky they've been so great to me. After I broke Toni's heart this summer, I was sure I'd lose Martha. Or that when this club was created, that I wouldn't be accepted." She runs her hands through the buttons. "This is a little penance, I suppose. I can be accepting of others even if I have a hard time accepting myself."
"Regan…"
"No it's fine. You don't have to say anything and I shouldn't have mentioned it. It's just...they're all so close and I'm happy for them. Toni deserves to have so much and I want that for her. But…" She sighs. "I broke up with her and I had my reasons, and I...I don't regret it. But also...I think...a part of me hoped that she would fight as hard for us as she always fought for everything else. And it hurts that she just...accepted it and moved on."
"You should talk to her. Clear the air."
"I...I should. If for any other reason than to let us both move on."
And speak of the devil, Toni, Martha and Leah walk in. Toni's got her arm around Leah's shoulders and they're laughing while Martha is shaking her head and rolling her eyes at them. Jeanette glances at Regan and sees her force a smile.
"Hey…" Regan says and Martha lights up and smiles at her.
"Hey! Are those the buttons you were working on? I'm so excited for them." She rushes toward them and shuffles through them before settling on a Space Ace one and one that says 'I love Hugs.' She immediately puts them on.
Toni and Leah look through them as Jeanette attaches her own 'Ask First' Hugs button on her jacket. She can't help feeling how appropriate it is.
Toni grabs a Lesbian flag and Leah grabs a Bisexual one. And they both grab the same Hugs button that Jeanette did. They quickly put them on and Jeanette sees Regan grin with pride. They liked them. Which to Regan was probably akin to forgiveness.
A few others trickle in--Nora, Quinn and their friends from Quiz Bowl, McKenna and Oliver.
"Where did you get those?" Nora asks as she notices what everyone is wearing.
"Regan made them." Toni answers proudly and points at the tote full of them.
As most everyone makes it into the room, they all happily greet each other and thank Regan for the buttons. Jeanette scans the ones everyone is wearing. It turns out that most of the people in the group are more than just allies, they are members of the LGBT community in some way or another or have multiple identities, which Jeanette figures makes sense for this particular club. From the look of things, only Oliver, Quinn, Shelby and herself don't have any kinds of flags or identifying labels. And Regan either, but Jeanette now knows that she's just not ready to be out yet. She looks at those remaining--Oliver, Quinn and Shelby--and wonders if the same is true for any of them.
Rachel interrupts everyone's light laughter when she storms into the room and tosses a desk on the ground angrily.
"Woah, Rachel...what's wrong?" Nora asks quietly, as she slowly approaches while remaining a safe distance from her sister.
Rachel screams and tosses another chair and people are becoming uneasy. Toni rushes toward her and grabs her...firmly, but with care.
"Hey…" Toni is talking quietly to her. "Whatever it is...it isn't worth hurting anyone here. You care too much about them for that."
Rachel growls and then collapses into Toni's arms and hugs her fiercely. Quinn and Nora pick up the turned over desks.
"Sorry." Rachel mumbles.
Toni is rocking her and she's whispering things to her that Jeanette and the others can't hear, but it seems to work and Rachel calms down slowly. Since Rachel and Toni are sitting on the floor, everyone else sits and circles them. It turns out the desks that Jeanette and Regan so carefully arranged were unnecessary today.
"What happened?" Shelby asks softly.
"Coach...she cut me from the team."
"What?!" Fatin yells. "Fuck her." She stands up. "Come on Toni, let's kick her ass."
Rachel laughs through her tears. Toni tugs Fatin back down.
"Sit down." Toni huffs. "And you all think I'm the hothead."
"We wouldn't dare say that about you now. We know you're too soft." Leah teases.
"Yeah, I'm really proud of you for how far you've come." Regan tells Toni and smiles when Toni acknowledges her with a brief nod. "But...apart from siccing Toni and Fatin on your coach, Rachel, is there anything you can do to change her mind?"
Rachel shakes her head. "I spent the last several weeks trying to change it. She mentioned it at the beginning of the year...said I had to make some improvements. But I couldn't make them. She's right...I grew up. I'm too tall...and...developed for this sport."
"What does that even mean?" Shelby wonders.
"Breasts. I have breasts." Rachel says, staring at Shelby with a raised eyebrow.
Shelby blushes. "Oh. Right."
"That's still bullshit." Dot replies.
"It is...but...I can't compete adequately against people who are built for this sport. I can be the most technical...the most dedicated...and train the most...but that doesn't mean it will help me win, not in this case."
"I'm sorry, Rachel." Nora tells her sister and scoots closer to her. "I know what this means to you."
Rachel sighs. "It was my life. It was the only thing I was good at. The only thing that made our parents see me...love me. It was everything...until it wasn't."
The group stares at her in confusion.
Rachel rolls her eyes. " You, idiots. I was talking about you. You are my life...you are the people who see me and love me. I love diving, it will always be a part of me. And I hate that she cut me my senior year instead of just letting me play. But diving isn't everything anymore." She's quiet for a minute before adding, "I still need to punch something. I'm so angry."
"Come to Martha's after this. I have a punching bag." Toni suggests.
Rachel shakes her head. "You have basketball practice."
"I can skip it."
"Your first game is Friday and you want to make captain. I'm not letting my broken dreams affect yours."
"Fine. Come after practice. Okay?" Toni asks hopefully.
"Okay."
Nora stands up and rushes to the tote filled with buttons before grabbing one and handing it to her sister. Rachel looks at the 'Ask First' Hugs button and smiles before putting it on.
"Who made these?" She wonders.
"I did." Regan answers shyly.
Rachel nods and looks around the room at what everyone else is wearing. "Do you have an aromantic one?" She glances toward Nora. "I've been studying those flashcards you made me and I'm pretty sure that I'm Aro. Full Aro...no dating. At all. Ever."
Regan looks through the buttons and hands her one with an arrow overlaying the aromantic flag.
"Ohh, I love this." Rachel says with a smile.
"Just not in the romantic way." Quinn corrects.
Rachel looks at him and smiles even wider. "Right. Exactly."
He smiles back.
"So...if we're doing confessions here…" Toni squirms awkwardly. "There's something I wanted to apologize for. Rachel, Nora, Fatin and Martha...I am so sorry I ruined Santa for you."
A couple people in the group laugh.
"And the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny." Nora amends and Toni nods in agreement.
"You all were talking about the presents Santa and your parents got you...and...I didn't get any presents that year. My mom was on another bender and forgot it was Christmas...again. Part of me was jealous, but the other part didn't understand what I didn't get any. So when I asked my mom, she said that there was no Santa. So I told you guys. I didn't mean to ruin Christmas for you...I just, I grew up with an addict. I don't like lying. I hate it."
"You did the right thing, Toni. Lying is wrong." Quinn tells her.
Rachel hugs Toni tighter and Fatin throws herself on the two of them. Martha wipes at her eyes, as does Shelby. Leah smiles at them proudly and pats Toni on the back in support. Eventually, Fatin just settles into Toni and sits between her legs. Toni wraps her arms around her and rests her head on Fatin's back. Jeanette glances at Regan for any signs of jealousy and sees none. She's confused when she sees something similar to it on Shelby's face though.
They all sit in a comfortable silence until Dot speaks.
"My confession...it's weird to grieve a parent who's still alive. But as I watch my dad get worse and worse...I...I've been grieving for a year. Thinking about all I will miss without him. Thinking of all we're missing out on together now...just because he's too sick to do it anymore. It sucks having the complete responsibility as caregiver...but also, I treasure the time we have even if it's emotionally draining and exhausting sometimes. Like, I don't resent him and how much I have to do for him...but I am so stressed by the situation. And trying to make ends meet with bills and such. Just all of it. And yet...I know that when he does pass...that I will hate myself for ever complaining about it."
Fatin wiggles her fingers and Dot crawls over to her and rests her head in Fatin's lap. The scene is so beautiful. So raw. Jeanette knows that now is the time to share her truth. As she watches her friends descend upon Dot and give them hugs and let them know that they are here. That they care, she tries to formulate the courage for her confession.
But before she does, Shelby begins.
She opens her mouth and removes a mouth piece and smiles at them. She reveals two missing teeth before quickly putting the mouth piece back in.
"I've been a fraud and a...liar." She's looking at Toni. "I know you hate liars and I hope you can forgive me." She redirects her attention to the floor as she nervously wipes her hands on her jeans. "My whole life I've hidden who I am. Scared of what it will mean. Scared of not being loved or accepted. I...hated so much of myself for so long that I tried to become what I thought everyone else wanted me to be. And I'm sick of it. Sick of hating myself...sick of...I…" She steadies her breathing and looks like she's about to say more before thinking better of it.
There is a brief silence in the room, until Toni breaks it.
"Don't hate what you are...what you are is beautiful." Toni tells Shelby sincerely and firmly and Shelby looks at her in surprise, with tears in her eyes.
She swallows audibly. "Thank you." She smirks. "For quoting Warrior Nun to me in my time of need."
Toni laughs and rolls her eyes. "Yeah, well, it doesn't make it any less true."
Jeanette takes a deep breath...and then exhales deeply. Slowly. Shakily. And she starts speaking, in her natural Australian accent.
"I need to make a confession of my own."
"Oh...fuck. You...you're Australian?" Dot asks with wide eyes.
She nods. "Last year...I was drugged and raped at a party. They filmed it and passed it around school. And...things only got worse when I tried pressing charges because I was called all kinds of things. And the girls were the worst of all. The things they said about me. The lies they spread…"
She jumps a bit as Regan scoots closer to her, but then nods and let's Regan reach for her hand and hold it. She needs it for the strength to continue.
"We eventually moved here and...I wanted to blend in, be invisible. I masked my accent because I didn't want to stand out more than a new senior transfer already would. I pretended to be shallow so I wouldn't have to let people in...because I didn't trust anyone. I over-exaggerated my personality so that I could be overbearing and sometimes maybe even annoying so that I would not be seen as desirable. I didn't want attention from guys. And I didn't want to pose a threat to girls...so I...like Shelby, pretended to be someone that I'm not."
They are all listening intently. Smiling at her encouragingly. And it gives her the strength to continue.
"But then...I saw Toni and Fatin and some of you defend Shelby openly against guys who were harassing her. I saw how quickly you accepted Nora and then Quinn. I watched as you continuously lift each other up...and not even just your friends. We cheered for the opposing team at Quiz Bowl for fuck's sake! Who does that?!" She laughs genuinely. "You make me trust you. You make me want to show you who I am. The real me. And...you make me want to be better. I hated men after what happened. But Quinn and Oliver...you guys are pure and amazing and I adore you. I hated popular girls for what they said about me. But Shelby and Toni and Fatin...you continue to amaze me. I hated myself for what I let happen...but you all have given me courage and strength and showed me the true empowerment of self-love. You changed me. In all the best ways. And...I want to be remembered by you for who I am--not who I pretended to be." She looks directly at Toni. "I hope you will forgive me as well. I never meant to hurt you by lying."
Toni dislodges herself from Fatin and walks around the circle. "Is it okay if I hug you?"
Jeanette laughs and nods. "Of course."
And Toni gives the best hugs. She is strong and gentle both. Jeanette feels safe and cared for all at once. When Toni lets go, she shuffles over to Shelby and parts her arms.
Shelby shakes her head. "Stand up first. I want a proper hug."
Toni laughs and does as she is told with a salute. "Yes, ma'am."
Shelby leaps into Toni's embrace and holds on to her as if her life depends on it. And Jeanette smiles at them. She looks around at the others. Her people. She understands what Rachel said before about these people being her life. Because she feels the same way.
"I am a survivor as well." Leah says softly.
Martha, who is leaning against her adds, "So am I."
"Me too." Oliver admits in a way that makes Jeanette truly see him for the first time.
She sees his shyness that is slowly turning to confidence and self-acceptance as he's surrounded my friends. By people who see him. By people whose very presence heals him.
That gets everyone talking excitedly about everything they can think of. More random confessions. More ridiculous secrets. More laughter and even some more tears. Shelby and Toni eventually sit back down, and participate in the banter. But Jeanette notices Shelby's hand resting on Toni's knee and the soft smile on her face, and realizes that someday there may be another confession from Shelby's in the future.
"Oh...I almost forgot. My given name is actually Lihn...but...my chosen name is Jeanette."
XXXXXX
Rachel and Nora are already at Martha's when Toni walks home from practice. They are talking and laughing together just like old times and it makes Toni smile.
"Hey, I could have given you a ride. I didn't realize." Rachel tells her.
Toni shrugs. "Martha usually does but she's been practicing herself, so I forgot to make plans for rides for the week."
Rachel nods in understanding.
Besides, Toni appreciated the time to clear her head. She had a lot to think about after the club meeting confessional. When she saw how scared people were of Rachel's outburst, Toni realized how much she must have scared people and it made her feel even worse about her outbursts. She's already apologized to Martha for them. But she now knows she owes Regan a real apology as well.
Toni also thought about Regan. How much less her heart breaks looking at her. How they really are better as friends. How she doesn't feel any ill will toward her. She's proud of herself for her growth. Not just in being able to understand and control and interpret her many emotions, but also being a better friend. A better person. That's all she wants. To deserve them. To not be pitied or feel like a burden. She never felt like that with Martha or Mrs. Blackburn, but it's been hard to not feel like that around everyone else in her life. To wait for them to get sick of her. To leave.
Even Principal Klein seems to treat her differently than other people. She treats her like she's volatile and will burn the school down if not properly contained. Or worse, she treats her like she'll break. And Coach only ever put up with all her shit because Toni was a star who delivered the team Championships.
Toni wordlessly leads Rachel to the barn and hands her some wraps and boxing gloves; while Martha and Nora retire to the house.
"So...this is why you've been enviably calm." Rachel says with a raised eyebrow. "Sort of makes it less impressive when you reveal the truth behind the magic."
Toni laughs and shakes her head. "Truthfully, I haven't needed to use it lately." She sighs and works on wrapping her own hands. "So...I was going to wait to share this with the group when it becomes official...but…" She smiles so widely that Rachel smiles too. "Mrs. Blackburn is going to officially adopt me. I know that I'll be eighteen soon, but she doesn't want me to have to spend any more time going through the system. And plus, she's been wanting to for ages but I kept resisting. I didn't want her to feel like she had to, but she assured me that it was never out of obligation, only love. So soon, Martha and I will officially be sisters and I will finally have a real family. One that loves me and wants me." She looks down shyly. "I didn't want to say anything until it was closer to happening; I didn't want to jinx it or anything. But my birthday is in a few months and Mrs. Blackburn...mom." She smiles proudly with love and adoration. "She wants it to be official before then so she's doing everything she can to rush it. She doesn't want me to age out of the system. She wants me to legally be family, not just honorarily."
Rachel stares at her and has tears in her eyes. "Toni...that's amazing. And perfect. And everything you deserve. I'm so happy for you." She steps awkwardly toward her with her arms extended.
Toni rolls her eyes and laughs. "Yes. Get over here and hug me."
They hug it out and when Rachel pulls away, she's shaking her head and laughing.
"Okay, now I no longer feel motivated to punch things."
Toni smirks. "Would you rather hold hands and sing Kumbaya?"
Rachel punches her shoulder playfully. "Shut up."
Toni rubs at her offended shoulder. "Well….look at that, you're cured."
Toni walks Rachel through the punches and the proper stance and lets her go to town on the bag. A few minutes later, she's breathing hard and sweating.
"Wow...this is intense."
Toni smirks. "You're intense. Don't forget to breathe."
She punches with everything she has. "I just...I need something else to obsess over if I don't have diving anymore."
"You'll find something." Toni tells her.
Rachel switches her stance and throws some more intense punches. "I hate that she waited to cut me senior year if she knew I didn't have what it takes before. Why let me waste my life? My time. My passion."
The intensity increases and Toni watches her get it all out.
"I hate that the only time my parents noticed me was when I excelled at it. When I stopped winning competitions, it felt like they stopped loving me again."
Toni lets her vent.
"Most of all...I hate that I spent so much time on it...to lose it in the end anyway. And because I was obsessed...I lost Nora, and you and Martha and Fatin."
Toni swallows thickly and listens.
"I hate it. I hate that I didn't see what was right in front of me. I hate that...I hate…" She punches and punches and punches and then collapses again and cries.
Toni takes off her own gloves and then rushes to her, holding her again--like she did at school. And Rachel holds her just as tightly.
"I hate everything. And yet...I'm also happy. And I don't know how to handle both of those things at once. I'm actually happy that it's over. No more hurting myself to try to be like the other girls. No more missing out on Nora's life. I'm actually happy that I have more time for all of you."
Toni nods against her because she gets it. The warring emotions. The love and hate. The good and evil. The right and wrong. She loves that she has a family now. She hates that her blood family didn't want her.
Eventually, Rachel extracts herself and takes off her gloves. "This was exactly what I needed. Thank you."
Toni raises an eyebrow. "The crying or the punching?"
"Both, you ass." Rachel chuckles as she wipes her eyes. "But I was talking about the punching. I actually had fun."
"You're welcome anytime. My soon-to-be official home is your home."
Rachel smiles brightly at her. "I really am happy for you."
"Yeah. Yeah. Yeah." Toni grins as she stands up. "My turn."
She puts her gloves on and goes hard at the bag. When she's finished, Rachel whistles impressively.
"Looks like you had your own shit to work through. Want to talk about it?"
Toni sighs and lets her head fall against the punching bag. "I...think...I have a crush on Shelby."
"What?!"
Toni looks at her and then squeezes her eyes shut. "I know. You don't have to tell me how awful and cliche it is to be falling for the straight girl. I know and I hate myself for it. But I've always thought she was cute. I flirted with her a bit last year in between our arguments. But now that I've gotten to know her...and after today...how scary that must have been for her to share that…" She sighs loudly, takes her gloves off and tosses them behind her before running her hands through her hair nervously. "I know there's no chance in hell. And honestly, I'm not even ready for a relationship, so maybe this current fixation is actually...good? God, I don't know what I'm doing or saying or…"
Rachel studies her carefully and approaches her slowly. "So..Regan? You're over her?"
Toni nods. "She was right. We're better as friends. It wasn't going to work anyway. I want...no, I need someone who will be brave enough to love me. Through all my own shit. Love me enough to fight for me. To stay with me. To be out and proud with me because...because I need to know that I matter enough to be that brave for. I know it's probably selfish of me…"
"It's not." Rachel interrupts fiercely.
Toni takes a deep, steadying breath and stares at Rachel openly. "Do you think anyone will love me that much? Love me at all?"
Rachel swallows back a sob as she holds Toni and lets her cry. If anyone from school could see them now. The two everyone is most terrified of--crying in each other's arms; it'd be pathetic if it didn't mean so damn much to her.
"I missed you." Toni tells her honestly.
Rachel's wet tears soak her shirt as she replies, "I missed you, too."
They recover eventually, and just in time for Martha and Nora to arrive with fresh, out of the oven, chocolate chip cookies. Toni's eyes widen. She grabs one and hums her approval.
"I love you, please marry me." She mutters as she quickly grabs another.
Nora and Martha laugh.
"Sadly, no luck here, Toni. We're all straight." Martha teases.
"Damn it. You girls break my heart." She says dramatically before glancing at Rachel, who is looking at her sadly.
The next day after practice, Fatin and Dot are waiting for her.
"What're you guys doing here?" She asks them.
Fatin shrugs. "Rachel may have mentioned that you need a ride home."
Toni smirks. "Rachel has a big mouth."
But she appreciates it. Appreciates them. They go out for dinner together before they drop her off home.
The next day, Jeanette is there. And Oliver and Quinn the next. On Thursday, it's Shelby.
"Looks like they roped you in as well?" Toni says as she gets in Shelby's car.
"I couldn't let the newbies outdo me."
Toni playfully rolls her eyes. "We couldn't have that now, could we?"
They ride in silence for a little while until Toni gets up the courage to speak again.
"So...the others also bought me dinner." She tries to be nonchalant. It was true. She isn't a liar. But she also kind of wants this to be more than that.
"Is that so?" Shelby stares at her briefly and smiles. "Like I said, I can't have them showing me up."
They chat about school and the upcoming game as they approach the restaurant.
"We can just drive through. I don't...I know it might be bad for you to be seen with me." Toni tells her honestly. She understands. She really does.
"Toni, I'm not ashamed of you. I never was." Shelby tells her with a sigh.
"I know...I didn't mean that. I just meant...in case word got to your dad that you were hanging out with openly queer kids. I was just looking out for you."
Shelby swallows. "I appreciate that." She closes her eyes and exhales. "But screw him. You're my friend and I can have dinner with you if I want to. I won't hide that."
Toni can't look away. It's refreshing to see Shelby stand up for herself. To really start to grow and evolve. But also, homophobia is real and she doesn't want Shelby to be put in danger because of her.
"How about we order food and then go to the park? If it's busy we can sit in the car, otherwise we can eat outside on a picnic table."
Shelby smiles at her. "Sounds perfect."
And that's what they do. They eat outside and enjoy each other's company.
"It's genetic." Shelby says out of nowhere. "The teeth thing. In case you were wondering."
Toni nods. "Thank you for telling me. I meant to say it then...how proud I was for your bravery."
Shelby doesn't respond as she carefully takes another bite.
"I keep thinking how much time we wasted." Toni says into the silence. "We were sort of...frenemies last year. Acquaintances in the very least. I'm glad we got to know each other better this year."
Shelby swallows slowly and takes a sip of her drink, watching Toni. "I agree. I'm glad we're more than just acquaintances or classmates. I'm glad that you're more than just Martha's angry friend."
Toni laughs and rolls her eyes. "I'm glad that you're more than Martha's annoying friend."
Shelby smirks. "I'm glad you're more than Martha's short friend."
"Hey! That's below the belt. I call foul."
Shelby laughs and so does Toni.
"I'm glad that I'm getting to see the real Shelby, because I happen to think she's pretty great." Toni admits and hopes she isn't crossing any line or making Shelby uncomfortable.
"You're pretty great too, Toni."
They get back to more neutral ground when Shelby asks about tomorrow's game.
"I think we have a great chance of winning, and Coach made me team captain today. So I want to do well in my first game as captain. I'm nervous. But excited too."
"Well, we're all going to be in the front row cheering you on." Shelby looks conspiratorially. "I shouldn't be saying anything...but there may be signs. And Dot secured a blow horn. And we...we have face paint."
Toni's mouth drops open. "Really? Everyone's coming?"
Shelby frowns. "Of course we are. Why wouldn't we? We're going to your game, then Martha's dancing competition. And Fatin as a cello concert coming up. It's what we do. We support each other."
Toni nods numbly. "Right. Yeah."
"You don't look overly happy."
"I am." She shakes her head. "Just processing." She looks at Shelby sincerely. "I have a family now. I thought when the adoption is finalized it'd feel real. I'd get it. But...I had family all along and didn't realize it."
Shelby's eyes widen and her mouth falls open. "Adoption? Why didn't you say...what's going on?"
"Martha's mom. It's a surprise. I was going to announce it when it's final so we can celebrate."
"That's amazing! I'm so happy for you. I can't wait for the party. You deserve the world."
And fuck. How is Toni not supposed to crush on her when she says stuff like that?
Straight. Straight. Straight. Straight.
She creates the mantra in her head. She needs to change the subject like...now.
"So...after the game...I'm staying at Leah's. She's having her first ever sleepover and I'm kind of excited because I know I've stayed over at Martha's tons of times over the last several years...but this is sort of like my first sleepover, too. We didn't have many as kids. We had group slumber parties once or twice where we all camped outside in Fatin's backyard like we were on Survivor. But this is different and I'm actually excited for it." She's rambling so doesn't notice how Shelby's smile dims. "I'm even bringing some of Martha's crafts so we can make friendship bracelets. I thought it would be special for us since it's a first for both of us."
She pauses for breath and glances at Shelby. Shelby is playing with her fingers and looks up when she realizes Toni stopped talking.
"That sounds great. I'm happy for both of you." Shelby says with a smile that doesn't look natural.
"Did I say something?" Toni wonders. "I...I'm not breaking club rules. Our sleepover isn't code for sex or anything. She said I'm her best friend. She claimed me." Toni smiles. "How about you?"
Shelby's eyebrows sky rocket. "What? What about me?"
Toni rolls her eyes. "Who's your best friend? I know we're all friends. But there's got to be someone you're closest to."
Shelby seems to be considering it. "I have different moments with everyone. But probably Martha or Nora a lot." After a brief pause, she adds in a rush, "I like Leah. She's wonderful."
Toni smirks. "So I don't make your list then? I see how it is."
Shelby's eyes widen. "What? Of course you're important to me. You're my favorite person."
She blushes and looks away as soon as she says it and Toni is left with her heart conflicted. It swells with adoration and gratitude...but it's also breaking.
"You're pretty alright, too." Toni is able to push out the words and gets a fry thrown at her in response.
The ride home is tense and uncomfortable so when Shelby parks at Martha's house, Toni addresses the elephant in the room.
"I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable before. I don't know what I did or said, but I never meant to hurt you." She tells her earnestly. "I know you're straight. I get it. And if my flirting upset you…"
Shelby's eyes widen and she looks at her. "Flirting?"
Toni nods. "I'm sorry. I...sometimes, I say things that aren't taken the right way. Or without thinking it through first. I'll back off, I know we're friends and I appreciate your friendship. You mean so much to me. So, please let me know when I go too far. When to stop. Okay?"
"Toni…" Shelby looks conflicted and it breaks Toni's heart further.
"I get it." She raises her hands in surrender. "Backing off now."
Shelby frowns and shakes her head, but Toni is worried about what she might say so she interrupts her by opening the door.
"Anyway, thanks for the ride and for dinner. See you tomorrow?"
Shelby swallows thickly. "Yeah. Of course. See you tomorrow."
Toni makes it halfway into the house when her phone alerts her with a text from Shelby.
"Don't back off. Please?"
She turns around to see Shelby backing out of the driveway and responds with a thumbs up emoji. Then curses herself for her stupidity and lack of game. She spends the rest of the night replaying the conversation and trying to figure out where everything went wrong and how to fix it. She knows she didn't scare Shelby away--that they're still friends. But she also wants to make things right between them. Shelby means too much to her not to try to salvage the damage she's accidentally done.
The next day, she plays the best game of her life as her family--chosen and perfect--cheer her on from the front row. She accomplishes her first ever Triple Double and her coach tells her if she keeps playing like that, she'll draw in scouts and there could be scholarships and Toni has never allowed herself to want things before...but she's starting to let herself now.
At the celebratory dinner, she expects things to be weird between her and Shelby. She expects Shelby to avoid her, but the opposite happens. She sits by her all through dinner, she poses close to Toni for some pictures when Leah takes some. And Toni starts to think maybe she was imagining the awkwardness yesterday. She starts to hope that they're okay. That she didn't screw it all up. They all stay out late and she and Leah don't get back to Leah's house until barely in time for Leah's curfew.
As they settle into Leah's bedroom, after Toni showers off the sweat from the game, Toni drawls out with exaggerated disappointment. "Guess it's too late to make friendship bracelets and talk about girls."
Leah laughs. "If you actually have supplies...we could make friendship bracelets while we talk about girls."
Toni grins. "Now, see. This is why we're best friends. You've got the brains and I've got the beauty and the brawn."
Leah rolls her eyes. "Why do you get two things? I want the brawn, too."
Toni laughs out loud. "Only you would prefer to be called strong rather than beautiful."
The smile falls from Leah's face. "I've been called beautiful before and it didn't work out so well. I don't trust words anymore. Or people who are superficial. I want to be more than that."
Toni stares at her with understanding. "You are. So much more."
Leah nods appreciatively. "Now...about those bracelets."
Toni smiles as she gathers the supplies. "I always wanted to do this with Martha...but…" She looks down with shame. "I was scared to have something of my own when I was in the system. When you have something important to you. Something that matters. It sort of makes that thing...or you, a target. Not everywhere. But I was in enough houses to see it."
Leah stares at her. "So...you have nothing from before? Nothing that was just yours?"
Toni shakes her head. "I didn't have anything from before worth remembering. The few pictures I had from before...from all of us at birthday parties and sleepovers, I kept them with Martha. They're still hanging in her room. So I always had them...and that was enough. And the memories were enough."
Leah nods. "Then this will be just as special for you as it is for me."
"Maybe more." She admits.
They work in silence for a while longer. Toni glances at Leah's work.
"Hey! How is yours so much better than mine?" She whines.
"Don't be jealous. This is the one you'll be warning. I'm the one who has to try and successfully rock that atrocious attempt you have there."
Toni rolls her eyes and shakes her head even as she's smiling. She focuses so hard on getting it right that they work in silence until she's finished. She's actually happy with the results and beams with pride as soon as Leah puts in on. Leah ties hers for her as well, and Toni admires it with a smile.
"Not too bad."
Leah smiles. "I like yours, too. It's perfect."
"So...girls…?"
"Are pretty?" Leah finishes the statement as a question.
"And soft." Toni adds and laughs when Leah wrinkles her nose.
"And badass."
"Oh, that's a given." Toni declares. "Girls are so much better, why are there boys?"
Leah laughs. "Maybe to...make more girls."
Toni sighs. "I like Shelby."
Leah's eyes widen and she chokes on her own saliva. "What?"
"I know I'm an idiot and I know I'm destined to get my heartbroken, again. But...I'm not smart like you or Nora, so I fell head-first into this rabbit hole."
Leah stares at her. "Wait. You're serious?"
"About being dumb? Kind of?"
Leah rolls her eyes and kicks at her. "No...about Shelby."
"Well, yeah."
"And you think it's doomed because…"
Toni glares at her. "You don't have to make me say the words. I know she's straight. I get it. You don't have to tease me about it."
"Oh, Toni. I was't…" She sighs. "I was just getting clarification. When did you...you know? When did you realize you liked her?"
"I started seeing her differently when she brought me to your house that day after…" She trails off and nervously itches her neck. "I've been noticing her. Like how she is with Nora. And Rachel and Martha. She's even been amazing with Dot. I sound like a stalker, with all the ways I watch her. But she's...there's so much to her than what she shows the world."
"You have no idea…." Leah exhales.
"That's sort of the point though. I want to learn. I want to see what's underneath."
"That's what she said."
Toni laughs out loud. "Fatin is a bad influence on you."
"Fatin is funny. And like Shelby, she's so much deeper than most people give her credit for."
Toni nods and studies her before asking as casually as she can, "What about you? Are you interested in anyone?"
Leah shakes her head. "I'm not even looking. I've got so much to figure out on my own. I don't trust myself or my judgment when it comes to falling in love anymore. I…" She licks her lips and looks at Toni imploringly. "Not sure when or if I'll get there. I hope I do. And when I do, I don't want to be paranoid about being used or questioning everyone's motives. I want to be...more myself. Not so much...back to how I was...but better. Different. And I have a long way to go to be ready for anything real like love."
"I get that." Toni tugs at Leah's friendship bracelet and gets her to smile a little. "If or when you do get there...just know...that we will all have your back and that you deserve someone who will treat you the way you deserve. Not someone who will complete you...because you are not broken or not empty or hollow without them. But someone who sees everything about you and loves you anyway. Someone who shows you the very best version of yourself, but still loves you when you fall short or are at your worst. You deserve someone who sees you. Who makes you laugh. Who understands and appreciates what love is...and what it will mean to you."
Leah is crying as she chuckles and wipes at her eyes. "Is that a proposal? Because I might say yes."
Toni laughs, too, and hugs her tightly. "You deserve far better than me."
She feels Leah's grip on her tighten. "Impossible. There's no one better."
Toni has never had a best friend before. Like she told Leah, Martha has always been her sister. Her family. Her person. So as far as best friends go, Toni picked a damn fine one. And she told Leah so as they fell asleep holding each other.