Chapter 10
Kate paced the area of the foyer outside of Castle's office, wringing her hands together until her knuckles turned red. She knew she just had to bite the bullet and walk into Castle's office so they could talk, but why did crossing that threshold feel more like climbing Everest? And why did the first homework her therapist gave her feel like the hardest of all?
All things considered she felt her first six weeks of therapy had gone well. Yes, it was challenging, and every session had her diving through territory that was uncomfortable for her, but she knew that discomfort was temporary. She actually did feel more comfortable with addressing her emotions and working her way through those challenging moments that came up with the tips Dr Burke had given her.
During their session the day before, she had finally told Burke (okay, accidentally forgot she wasn't planning on telling him) that Castle was the "family friend" she was staying with. Naturally, this led the doctor to ask her a variety of questions including what their relationship was like after Castle confessed her feelings. Kate then informed him that she'd told him she didn't remember the shooting and thus what he'd said to her. They'd talked about that for about half an hour, and ultimately Burke challenged her to be honest with him in some way.
Naturally, Kate balked at this as it was a terrifying prospect. She'd convinced herself that as long as Castle thought she didn't remember what she said she could pretend he'd just never said it, but she also knew that was unfair. Were the situations reversed, she would have been very upset with him for lying to her in that way. She didn't want to lie to Castle. She wanted to further their friendship and that needed to start with a basis of honesty, even if the prospect of being this honest with him made her shake from head to toe.
After lying awake for part of the night, Kate ultimately decided to be as honest as she could possibly be with where she stood on her feelings and how she was trying to better herself. Simply by allowing them to stay with him, Castle had shown once again that he was going above and beyond in their friendship and she knew it was time for her to contribute to that friendship as much as she was able to.
With one more deep breath, Kate approached Castle's office, where he sat at his desk typing away at his laptop and knocked on the door. "Have a second?"
"Always," he replied with a smile.
She returned the expression, though nervously and then stepped inside the office, and shut the door behind her. Having the conversation she wanted to have was difficult enough on its own, but knowing they could possibly be interrupted would make it almost impossible. When she turned back around, she saw that wrinkles covered his brow.
"Is something wrong? Are you okay?"
She waved her hand dismissively and said, "Yeah, I'm fine. It's nothing too serious. Well maybe it is a little serious."
"Sit, please." He gestured towards the couch against the far wall and walked over to join her on it. They sat on opposite ends, her with her hands tightly folded in her lap, and he gazed at her curiously.
"I know…I know I've been kind of avoiding you–or as much as while we're all staying here together. I asked for time and space, and you've given that to me, which I appreciate greatly, but I also feel like I should apologize because…well, I feel that my avoidance has hurt you and that wasn't my intent. I've just felt so overwhelmed about everything. My recover and everything with Montgomery and my mother's case would have been a lot on its own, but adding this pandemic situation on top of that…" She shook her head as she gazed at him. "I just felt like I could barely catch my breath."
He nodded kindly. "I completely understand. It's been a lot for everyone—and we haven't been recovering from major surgery as well."
"Well, regardless, I haven't been handling it in a way I'm happy with and for that I apologize. I wanted us to…to get back to that friendship place we were before everything started back in May, but before we can do that I need to be honest with you about something I wasn't before."
When she paused, he tilted his head to the side, curiosity filling her face. Kate took in a ragged breath before continuing. "I don't remember a whole lot about my time in the hospital; it's very fuzzy. I think…I think when you visited me, I told you I didn't remember being shot."
"Right…" he said, his tone clearly suspicious.
Lowering her head slightly, she gazed at him from beneath her brow. "That isn't really true. It was at the time, kind of. I just had flashes and blurs, like trying to remember a dream that didn't make sense. But the more time that's passed and, probably more importantly, now that I'm off all the prescribed medications and my head is clearer, I do remember everything. I've actually had some pretty scary nightmares about it," she added with a mirthless laugh.
"Kate," he sighed, his tone heavy with concern.
Since her nightmares and possible PTSD were things she was actively working through with Burke, she didn't want to focus on them too much in that moment. Instead, she wanted to press on with the difficult things she needed to say. "I've pieced it all together now and I think I have everything. I remember giving my speech, the bullet hitting me…and I guess everything right up until my heart stopped in the ambulance. After that the next thing I remember is waking up in ICU. But the shooting – I remember all of that including that you tried to knock me out of the way."
Castle's expression shifted from one of concern to one that indicated he was about to get down on his knees and plead with the universe. "If I'd only been a second faster…"
"No," she said firmly. "Then the bullet would have hit you. Or both of us." If he had been hurt as well, because of her head-strong and reckless need to power through despite all the warning signs against it, she would have been crushed under the weight of the guilt.
"I wasn't worried about me, Kate, just you. You were the target."
She nodded as her hands fidgeted together in her lap. "I've thought about those moments a lot and at first I tried to tell myself that what you said was just a manifestation of the moment, but I realized thinking that was actually a disservice to you and to us—our partnership."
Castle searched her face for a moment, obviously a little confused, but when the realization hit him, he leaned back against the couch and skimmed his fingers over the stubble on his jaw. "It wasn't in the moment Kate. The moment is what made me say it, I admit, but the feelings have been there for-"
She held up her hand to stop him, fearful that he'd say those three words again and tears would stifle her ability to say the things she wanted to. Even still, knowing her next few sentences would be some of her hardest, they threatened to fall. "I've been thinking about them a lot. In my darker moments, wondering why…why you'd say something like that. Why…why you'd feel that way about me when I didn't feel like I'd done enough to-to earn that kind of…" She sucked in a deep breath and a tear slipped out of the corner of her left eye. Clearing her throat a little, she continued in a less fractured tone. "Because the truth of the matter is: I realized I'm not in as emotionally health of a place as I'd like to be."
"What do you mean?"
She gave him a little smile and brushed away the tear that ran down her jawline. "I never really processed the grief of my mother's death. I told myself I moved past it, but instead I let it define me. Consume me. I knew it deep down, but I didn't let myself acknowledge it. At least not until the night of our fight when I couldn't deny that basically everything you said about me was right."
Guilt crept into his expression immediately. "Kate I-"
"It's okay." She brushed off his concern with a subtle smile. "You were right. I do hide. I am afraid to be happy because I'm not sure I know how. My mother died when I was nineteen and I closed myself off immediately. I always keep one foot out the door. I've never actually been in an adult relationship where I'm fully open with someone, but I want to be. So, I…I ended things with Josh and after some thinking I decided to try therapy so I could start rebuilding myself from the ground up, so to speak."
"Y-you broke up with Josh? You're in therapy?"
She couldn't help but chuckle at how shocked he'd sounded by the one-two surprise punch she dealt. "You didn't figure out I'd broken up with Josh?"
He shrugged, a little sheepish. "I highly suspected since no one ever mentioned him, and I figured maybe your father might if he was in the picture but…"
"Oh. Well yeah, I ended things before I left the hospital; haven't talked to him since, though I imagine he's pretty busy right about now."
The writer cringed. "Yeah. I imagine. But, um, therapy? You're doing sessions over the phone, I assume?"
"Yes, with Dr. Burke. He was assigned to me by the NYPD to do my eval for going back into the field, and I asked if we could start now to work on my personal stuff as well as stuff relating to the shooting."
"I see." Castle nodded slowly for several moments, obviously processing what she'd just told her. Then, he smiled and said, "Well if this I what you want, I'm happy for you Kate."
Feeling some of the weights lift away from her shoulders she said, "Thank you. It's…been challenging and I know there's still some hard work to come, but it's really good for me. And I know one of the things that I need to really help me through this is your friendship."
"I never stopped being your friend Kate," he said in a tone that sounded like a promise.
Scooting a bit closer to him on the couch she said, "No, but I kind of stopped being yours from how I treated you. I want you to know I'm going to change that. I know this whole thing is kind of strange with us sort of living together, but maybe that's also a good thing. We can…just talk and go for walks on the beach or something."
"That sounds great. Is there anything I can do to help you? Or maybe something I shouldn't do?"
"I don't think so, Castle; you've always been a pretty good friend."
He puffed his chest out a little as he replied, "Well, I try." She laughed and then he opened his arms offering, "Hug?"
She slid the rest of the way across the couch and fell into his arms, shutting her eyes as they banded around her back and her forehead came to rest against his shoulder. He rubbed his hands up and down her spine before saying, "Hey, you're trembling—are you okay?"
A little embarrassed, she pulled back and confessed, "Oh, I'm just a little nervous—being this open is kind of scary for me."
"Why?" he asked genuinely.
She shrugged. "Because…because you never know what the other person is going to say. You—you could have said you don't feel the same anymore—that I missed my chance because you've moved on."
He appeared baffled. "Moved on? How? With whom?"
She shrugged knowing their isolation certainly lessened his opportunities for romantic encounters with others but did not make them impossible. "I don't know. Those are just the worst-case scenarios my brain spins up because of my fear of being hurt. I'm trying to train it not to think that way. And to be more ok with accepting that negative outcomes are possible, and I need to accept and process the emotions that come with it when they do."
He nodded. "That makes sense and I certainly admire your attitude, but for the record: I have not moved on. I have not thought about moving on. If you need more time before we talk about what might happen between us in the future, you have it; take all the time you need."
Her heart filling with the lovely emotions only he could give her, she said, "Thank you. Truly."
He leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss to her cheek then pulled back with a cautious expression. "Too much?"
She laughed at his sweetness and said, "No, that was fine. Do…do you maybe want to go for a little walk on the beach after dinner?"
Grinning, he said, "I'd love to."
Later that night, Castle made his way through his regular pre-bedtime routine, but very much doubted sleep would come easily that night. He felt no tiredness, but instead remained energize by his discussion with Kate that afternoon and, more importantly, the walk they'd taken after dinner.
From the way she'd come to him in his office and told him about her memory of the shooting and the work she'd been doing with her therapist he knew she was serious about changing—and well on her way to doing so, since the Kate Beckett he was used to would never have bee that open about what she was going through. What really reinforced that point, though, was when they started their walk and he asked what she wanted to talk about and her response had been, "I want to tell you about my mother."
For twenty minutes she talked about why and how much she loved her mom, touching on why she still struggled with her mother's loss and how much she missed her to that day. While he loved hearing all the things she said, Castle felt rendered speechless by just how much she was telling him. He loved every second with this new, open, emotive Kate and could not wait to experience more of this side of her.
Soon enough their conversation turned to silly childhood stories and they swapped tales for the better part of thirty minutes. Then, they sat down on the sand just behind his yard and chatted about her experiences with physical therapy as they watched the water. A few times while they joked, she nudged her shoulder against his and he looked over to see a sparkling smile on her face. Each time she did this he felt an almost crushing amount of joy inside his chest. God, he loved her.
In those moments, Castle felt more confident in his future with Kate than he ever had before. For quite some time he'd hoped that their future life paths would join as one. He had allowed his mind to drift towards those thoughts several times in the past, but in that moment those notions became more like premonitions than fantasies. He thought about them sitting in that exact spot watching their children play in the waves. Or perhaps just enjoying a glass of wine together, wedding bands on each of their left ring fingers. For the very first time that future seemed almost within reach and god, he wanted it. She asked him for time, and he would give her all that she needed. For now, she wanted his friendship, and she had it. He knew the rest would come in time and the love they would share would unquestionably be worth the wait.