Chapter 20

Louisa and I settle into a normal family life with a newborn. We lack for sleep and my quietness will upset Louisa at times. Bewildered I contact Doctor Hayes more often, then the once a week Skype to talk through my feelings mostly my worries that I am failing in our relationship and as a father. Doctor Hayes explanation of women and their emotions affected by hormones settles my mind. If Louisa gets upset with me, now I go through the checklist of what I deemed her hormonal imbalance is and find I can understand Louisa's feelings at that moment. The scientific mind of 'Martin Ellingham' found this intriguing, deciding to log and research the findings to understand females better in general.

My issue with fatherhood is simple; I am over thinking everything and Doctor Hayes assures me. "Martin from what you told me of your everyday interaction with Phillip, you are fine."

My solicitor called one morning, informing me the inspection of the house came through with nothing of consequence wrong, so we can start the money transfers and paperwork to complete the deal. At lunch, I informed Louisa of the news, suggesting we go to Truro to shop for Phillip's bedroom furniture and a few other pieces to complete our home. Excitedly she suggests putting a list together so we will know what to look for. As we make out the list, Louisa brings up our last conversation the night she went into labor,

"Martin, umm … you haven't mentioned marriage since Phillip's birth; umm …" now biting her lower lip, "do you still want to marry me?"

I stop writing, and put my pen down to look lovingly into her eyes, "Yes, I would, but I thought you would become angry if I mentioned it again so soon after Phillips birth. I remember you said yes to marriage, but I want you to feel comfortable marrying me; I know I can be quite gruff, horrible and insensitive, but I am learning. I am not loquacious especially with my feelings, but I do love you and Phillip very much."

"Martin I never thought we had to get married especially with the mess of our first try to be together, but I can now understand your feelings regarding Phillip and how the law dismisses you as the father. They expect you to pay for support, but don't give you any rights in decisions and I thought that was fine because I didn't think three months ago you cared, but now I know better. If you wish to marry now before we move into the house, I would like that."

I smile, and reach over engulfing her into my arms, leaning down to her lips and passionately kiss her. I hug her tightly once more,

"It is not the house, it is our home, our family home this moment and forever," I say as I kiss her again.

xXxXx

We pull into the carpark near the baby store in Truro; Phillip decides he is hungry, as he wakes up whimpering feverishly for attention. I look for a parking space out of the way, knowing Louisa will need privacy to feed him. Near the back, I find a suitable place and park, Phillip is quite insistent by now. I pull out a baby blanket, handing it to Louisa; discreetly she covers herself to feed him. With his arms, flailing Louisa soothes him as he roots for the nipple, finding it he sucks greedily. He chokes for a moment and he pulls away. Louisa lifts him rubbing his back, and soon he is ready to feed again. I prepare the front seat to change his nappy by setting out the pad to lay him on and pull out the burping cloth placing it over my shoulder. Soon enough Louisa is handing Phillip over, I gently extract a loud burp, along with a spewing sip up, luckily none land on my suit or seat back.

"Phillip, you greedy boy, see what happens when you eat too quickly. Take your time, your mummy will always be there for you, no need to rush," I say in my soften timbre I save for my son. Rubbing his back a bit more Phillip releases a few smaller burps. I move him closer to my neck so we can remove the wet cloth as Louisa tries to hang the clean one over my shoulder. Phillip takes this opportunity to suck on his daddy's neck. Louisa laughing at the site, while I make a face,

"I better get you changed before you give me a love bite," I joke. I take Phillip into my big strong hands, expertly changing his nappy, snapping up the onesie, and I then hand Phillip back to Louisa. I pour the hand sanitizer onto my hands, and clean up the changing pad and leave the car in search of a trash bin. Upon my return, Louisa has Phillip in his carrier and is gathering her things to exit the car. I pull the pram from the boot and push it over to Phillip's side to pop his carrier onto it. Louisa grabs the baby bag from the front seat, and our family is ready to shop.

An hour or so later, ensured our purchases will be delivered to the new house late the following week, we head for a take-out place near the park for lunch. We pick up the to-go meal, and walk along the park path to find a nice shady bench to eat our lunch and enjoy a quiet afternoon away from the village. I look at Louisa; she looks relaxed so I bring up the subject of decorating the house,

"Is there any painting you want done, like Phillips room, before we move in?"

"I was thinking of that, I'm… we could go to the paint store to pick up some brochures and color swatches before heading back," she suggests.

"Yes, that would be good," I, stammer. "You recall that the downstairs is all wood or slate floors, we could look at rugs online and order if you want?"

"Let me see the video from your phone while I again feed Phillip in the car." Louisa looks down into the pram, "because it looks like he is stirring."

We head to the carpark, once there Louisa settles in the back with Phillip while I store the pram in the boot and prepare the front seat to change Phillip once again. In the silence of the car, except for the sound of a hungry baby feeding, Louisa goes through the video,

"There are bare floors in the bedrooms also; I think some nice rugs would be warmer in the winter, don't you?"

"I didn't notice the floors, I was worried about you, but yes good rugs would be smart," I say as my eyes soften looking at the two most important people in my life.

"We'll need to measure the rooms before we order, do you know when we're able to get back into the house?"

"I should think at the most a day or two," I reply.

"Good, then we can look online for now and decide on sizes later this week so they'll be delivered before the furniture is moved in," announced Louisa. "Here your son is ready."

We each take our turn getting Phillip winded, changed, fed and soon we are on our way to the paint store, and then home. The next ten days are a busy time for us buying the paint and having the rooms painted by a retired village painter, and measuring the rooms for the right rugs then ordering them.

xXxXx

I needed to spend time at the house during the delivery of the rugs and furniture, but felt that the village had been without a doctor for too long, so I spoke to Chris Parsons for a locum for the next month. I hope to finish with the house completely and have some family time alone without interruption. Phillip is also due for his first check-up. I am happy with his progress but as his father, I want a second opinion, just in case I missed something.

Louisa is happy working on the house, around her time with Phillip. I gave her the update on the planned move into the house. One morning walking through the front door of the house, Louisa notices the new colors we chose as it made such a difference to the ambience of the house. All the rooms received new coats of paint in subtle shades, nothing like the dark color of the surgery or the stark white that I had first suggested. The rugs we chose match well with the interior colors and they were beautifully handmade, as I am very particular, not wanting anything cheaply made.

Louisa decided she wanted a few items from her cottage to move into our home; the tall white clock would look nice opposite the staircase. I setup with a moving van to remove the items she requested and the furniture from the surgery that is going.

Joan volunteers to keep Phillip at the farm, so Louisa is expressing enough milk to take care of him for the day; I was true to my word and purchased an excellent breast pump, Joan and I love feeding Phillip. Louisa has less interrupted sleep at night as I insisted to do the two a.m. feed, this is my special alone time with my son. I talk to him about his new room; the colors we chose, his new furniture and sometimes my hopes I have about his mother. It is nice not feeling judged about my insecurities.

Phillip has his check-up and is declared healthy, and measures in at the eightieth percentile even though he was more than two weeks early, he is definitely my son and will be big like his daddy.

In one of my skype conversations with Doctor Hayes, the question of how I am adapting to sharing my space came up. I explained that I am happy with my own company, but I enjoy my family sharing the time with me. Doctor Hayes changes the question around and asks how Louisa is doing. Is she happy just alone with you? This question quells me for the moment. Is Louisa happy with only my presence?

"I know she enjoys time with her village and it is nearly three weeks since Phillip's birth and I believe Louisa has missed her time in the village. She loves hearing every bit of gossip that spreads like the plague through this blasted village, but since the birth of our son, she has remained sequestered in our home. I rarely feel lonely, and actually enjoy, crave even, the solitude and time on my own with my thoughts. At least that was almost exclusively before Louisa and Phillip came into my life."

"Martin, I remember when I first met you. Do you remember what it felt like" Doctor Hayes asks.

I think back to just months ago when Louisa left the village, how lonely I felt. I realize Louisa became the exception and I no longer want to be alone. I have changed in certain aspects.

"I could do without the village interfering into my life. Louisa however is my complete opposite and I imagine she is bored out of her mind removed from the everyday happenings of the village."

"That is good to hear. You understand what it is like to have a social life with a family. Now what are you going to do to help your family be happy?" Doctor Hayes askes. "That is your assignment for this coming week" he finishes saying before he bids me farewell until next week.

Later that morning we are sitting at our new kitchen table, I am thinking of ways to suggest Louisa go visit one of her friends, and I could stay home with Phillip. Louisa looks shyly at me and suggests we go for a stroll into the village to shop, fish for dinner along with fresh vegetables from the green grocer. My look to this suggestion was not enthusiastic, as I do not like strolling through the village,

"You do know it will take forever as every villager not at work will stop us to see you and Phillip," I said.

Not wanting to argue Louisa then suggests, "Okay, why don't you drive us down to the Platt, Phillip and I can walk to the green grocer and you can go to the fish monger. Phillip and I will take longer, so you can go see Mrs. Tishell for nappies. When you finish you can meet up with us and walk us back to the car. We will have seen everyone by the time you catch up to us."

Thinking her idea through I finally agree, "That is a good idea, I can stop at the cleaners with the suits Phillip has stained this week."

Louisa can see that I am satisfied with the outcome of her suggestion and she comes over to give me a kiss and takes Phillip upstairs to change his nappy and dress him for his first trip into the village.

I park the Lexus near the Platt, pull out the pram from the boot and securely snap Phillip's carrier on. I leave with the dirty suits and shirts for the cleaners, while Phillip and Louisa walk up the hill towards the green grocer, her stroll is very slow, as it seems every female in the village is meeting her along the way.

I finish all my stops and enter the green grocer's moments after Louisa and Phillip have entered.

"Louisa, I have finished my errands, stay here by the register and give me your list so the ladies can see Phillip that way you won't interfere with other shoppers."

Louisa looks at me amazed, she knows I don't want to hear all the chit chat and figures I can get us back to the car faster if I just do the shopping. Sure enough as I check out, I have that look of mine that says 'enough already'. I bring my bag over, placing it with the other purchases, and Louisa makes her good-byes. I take hold of the pram handle and wheel Phillip out the door, slowing down just enough for Louisa to keep up but fast enough to by-pass any interlopers that want us to stop and talk. At the Platt, I check my watch, Phillip ate over two hours ago and I know he will be waking soon,

"The fish monger said the boats haven't returned with their morning catches, so I thought we could have lunch at the Crab while we wait for their return. I packed a bottle for Phillip; it is in the cooler in his nappy bag, or we can go home and I can come back later?"

Once again she is amazed that I am feigning for her to spend time in her village among the people I despise, all because I love her. Reaching over and touching my arm, I lean in, she whispers, "thank you, I love you" finishing with a chaste kiss on my cheek. "I would love to go to the Crab, thank you for thinking to bring a bottle. So nice to get out once in a while."

Wrapping her arm through mine, we contently walk over to the Crab, finding a table near the back near a window where we get the pram situated out of the flow of traffic. Louisa lets me take full control of setting up my son's feeding.

I pull the bottle from the bag, excusing myself. Louisa realizes I am going to the bar's kitchen to warm the bottle up. Just as Phillip starts to wake, I return to the table with a bit of a sneer on my face.

"What's the matter," Louisa asks.

"Idiots making their idiotic remarks about my request to warm the bottle."

I realize Phillip will get upset if he isn't picked up soon and Louisa will have a leaking problem when 'her mummy body hormones hear her baby cry'. Pulling out the items I know will be required; I soon have my son happily drinking from his bottle.

Louisa watches from across the table, and I am completely in my daddy mode, so I don't notice the looks from the men of the village. I do hear, the odd comments that I ignore as Phillip has my complete attention.

About half way through the bottle I pause to lay Phillip onto my shoulder to wind him, once again the men of Portwenn cannot believe their eyes, their rude, insensitive GP is actually human and showing a different side that nobody has ever seen; this is the side only Louisa sees and fell in love with.

"Louisa the men's room has no place to lay Phillip to change his nappy, does the women's have anything?"

She nods that it does. We flawlessly change our usual routine around and Louisa takes Phillip to change him. On her way, walking back through the bar, one of the fishermen stops her, asking about what he sees, how our stuffy doctor is acting, and she responds,

"That is why I love him; this is the side of the man I see and love every day."

More than likely Louisa feels she should not have said it but Martin put up with so much the six months she was in London and nobody understands why, when she came back, she started up with him again.

Before she walks away from the men, she continues by saying,

"You all could learn a few things from him, especially on how to treat a woman."

Louisa leaves many of them with their mouths agape or choking on their beer. Smiling she returns Phillip to his daddy to finish his bottle,

"Have you decided what you want to order," Louisa asks.

"Mm… I thought a rocket salad and we could share the crab dip."

"That sounds good," Louisa says as she signals for Janice, the waitress.

I burp Phillip when he finishes the last of his bottle, then lay him into his carrier. He start to jostle his feet, as he entertains himself for a while. Louisa reaches across the table, touching my hand and mentions that today was good, that we need to do it as a weekly family outing. I express my thoughts as I think of today but agree that it wasn't as bad a day as I thought it would be.

Louisa smiles at me, and mouths, 'I love you Martin Ellingham' and my typical reaction is blushing ears, tucked chin and monosyllabic answer of "Yes".

xXxXx

Later in the week, sitting in my study, I have my Skype appointment with Doctor Hayes; we have my ongoing discussion on my haemophobia and what I need to continue to work on. Doctor Hayes finishes with some additional ideas to help when I do have an occasional problem. He asks about Louisa concerning the nosey villagers and me. I explain our day together earlier this week in the village and he asks, "How did it make you feel?" I am confused; not sure, how I am supposed to feel. He could see my hesitation, "Martin, we spoke on several occasions about the difference on how you view the village and how Louisa does," he says.

"Yes, she enjoyed the day, gossiping with the other women for a very long time. She would more than likely still be in the village well into the evening, if I didn't move her conversation along."

"Have you two discussed her visiting friends a few times a month for her social needs? If you want your relationship to work, she will need time with other people until she returns to work."

"I am afraid of her reaction to me if she is out listening to all the nasty comments about our relationship with her friends. She might feel the need to leave me. I would be lost without her."

"Martin, you will lose her by suffocating her with loneliness. She needs to be involved with her village, as she did while she was pregnant and working at the school. The village is Louisa's family of sorts; you can't stop her from visiting the village."

"But how can she be lonely if she is with me and our son?"

"Think about it, she enjoys time with people, socializing with her work mates, girlfriends and other mothers; these are things she needs to be happy. You went into the village, she socialized with many of her friends and she enjoyed herself, did you enjoy yourself?"

Thinking how the day went, remembering that I thought it wasn't really that bad a day, and Louisa wanted to do it again, and she said so; "I enjoyed my time walking with Louisa, eating lunch with her, overall it wasn't a bad day because I could see that Louisa was happy. I don't think I could stand listening to idle chitchat the whole time."

"That's fair. How did you decide the agenda of the day in the village?"

"Louisa mentioned a walk in to buy necessities; I said we would not make it very far with all the nosey idiots stopping us to see the baby. Then she suggested driving in; our walk to various stores would be shorter and also we could split up the list, she knew she would have a slow walk with everyone wanting to catch their first glimpse of Phillip."

"How do you feel your life with Louisa in the new house and the baby are doing?"

"Good"

"Martin, just good?"

"I am finding some aspects of living with Louisa difficult. We occasionally had sex during her pregnancy, she gave me permission as I didn't want to force myself on her, but sleeping with her night after night is getting difficult. I wake every morning with my arms wrapped around her since the first night we slept in the same bed. She says it is fine, but I worry I am pushing my wants on her."

Doctor Hayes, can see the confused expression on my face, "Martin what do you feel when you wake with your arms around her?"

"Upset, confused that I can't keep my hands off her even when I sleep. She calms me; the world is so much better when she allows me to touch her, but I am upset as my body is reacting another way. I always need to rush to take a cold shower. She brings out so many emotions from me, I am very confused."

"Martin, these are normal male emotions when you are with the woman you love. There is nothing wrong with you for having these feelings and reactions. Has Louisa gotten angry with you when you discussed these situations?"

"Umm… I haven't discussed my feelings, these urges."

"You need to. It will help her to understand you better and she can explain her feelings and if she likes your close contact," he says. "Now how are you doing adjusting to your son?"

"Fine, I bought Louisa the breast pump you suggested so I can feel like I am more involved with his everyday life. I have taken on the mid-night feed so Louisa can sleep longer each night; I really enjoy this time with Phillip."

'I'm glad I could help; my wife recommended it. Have you brought up the subject of marriage to Louisa since we last spoke?"

"Yes, she brought it up, I was hoping Louisa would bring it up … we have been busy with the move to the house … don't want … to push her."

"What do you want to do, Martin? Do you want to marry Louisa? You need to decide what you wish to do and discuss it with her; hoping is not going to get you anywhere. Your assignment before our next appointment is to have this discussion with Louisa."

We finish the appointment, setting up the time that works for both of us and sign off. I sit in my study organizing my thoughts on everything Doctor Hayes suggested these past months regarding my relationship with Louisa, and how Doctor Hayes helped me get this far with my relationship. Talking out everything, no matter how trivial with Louisa worked these past months. I am fortified with this knowledge, I get up, and opening my study door, I can hear Louisa's DVD playing in the next room, I look in the room, Louisa is on the floor doing the most erotic exercises in her tight exercise clothes that I have ever seen. Fantasies buzz through my mind, with my ears blushing and the sudden strain of my groin, I turn and walk quickly to the kitchen. I don't ever remember urges like this ever in my life; and never with Edith. I fill a glass with water, slowly drinking it as my mind remembers all the times with Louisa and the emotions I felt. The feel of Louisa touching my arm as she comes up behind me surprises me. Refusing to turn to face her, embarrassed by my body's response to her, I conceal myself with the counter, breathing slowly wishing certain body parts to soften.

"Can I get you a glass of water?" I ask in lower octave than normal.

Noticing I will not turn to face her, she agrees knowing I will need to turn to face her sometime as I hand her the glass. Gathering a glass from the cupboard, I fill it up at the faucet, I turn and hand her the glass, still blushing as I once again glimpse her outfit and the way it hugs her fuller breasts, and hips.

She takes the glass from my shaking hand, my eyes intensely focused on her as she reaches up to run her hand down the side of my face, cupping my cheek, she feels the need to reassure me. Louisa starts to speak when Phillip lets us know he is awake through the monitor.

"I'll … get … im," I stammer and I immediately leave heading for the stairs, rescued by my son from embarrassment.

Louisa listens, by way of the monitor, as I speak to my son; no baby talk, adult to adult as I voice my dismay of Phillips' dirty nappy, "how does somebody so small make such a large mess? No…no keep your feet out of that, hold still almost done. Now that's better, let me see what clean snappy your mummy has pulled out…. This one is blue with a little bunny on it. There all clean and ready for your meal, let us find your mummy now." I find Louisa sitting in the rocker near the windows looking out into the garden when I enter the room with Phillip. I hand him to Louisa so I can dispose of the dirty nappy and wash my hands. When I return Phillip is happily suckling, once again I awkwardly stare at Louisa. Abashed I turn to look out the window towards the village, recalling an earlier conversation with her,

"Did you enjoy your day in the village?"

"I had a wonderful time, especially our lunch in the Pub. It was good seeing everyone."

"Good, it would be … good going … umm next week," I sputter. "I see you are exercising, important you do your Kegel exercises * to avoid incontinence."

"Yes, Martin, so you have told me," Louisa glowered response as she annunciates my name.

I notice her angry eyes flashing that emerald green color that I know means trouble, "Louisa did I say something to upset you? I just don't want you to have unexpected leakage in the future when you sneeze, cough or even laugh."

"Martin, I understand but it is the way you say it."

"But… I am concerned for your health. I don't want you to have problems later from urine le…

"Yes, Martin," Louisa interrupts me mid word.

She hands Phillip to me to burp, and as she is closing her nursing bra, I catch a glimpse of her swollen nipple and once again, I have lust-filled thoughts. Walking around the room, rubbing my son on his back he brings up trapped air, the sound helps to calm my mind to other matters. Satisfied Phillip is ready to continue feeding; I hand him to Louisa and leave before I get lust-filled thoughts again. I am working in the kitchen on our supper and it helps me to clear my mind; I need to organize my thoughts for our conversation about marriage.

After our delicious dinner, we clear the kitchen together. I make our evening tea while Louisa places Phillip in his cot. I place our tea on a tray along with the baby monitor and meet Louisa on the back deck. We sit side by side; hands entwined silently sipping our tea watching the sun slowly set onto the horizon as an orange ball into the sea.* As I sit there my mind wanders over my conversation with Doctor Hayes and the conversation of my mother. 'She told me on their last visit that I ruined her life, and my father no longer saw her as a woman. He couldn't lie with her in bed like that and had several affairs over the years. But I don't see Louisa as only a mother. My body reacts like a teenager to her; all she has to do is look at me with that smile, or touch me and I want to be with her. I can't control my emotions with her if she is nearby. I have always controlled my thoughts, you could say I compartmentalize them, but Louisa breaks in with a touch or a smile. Doctor Hayes reminds me that my parents, especially my mother were anything but normal. They were selfish and were only satisfied with themselves. Remember your exercise to banish them from your life. They are not the good voices and you are not to blame for their problems. You are a normal person with needs and desires.' I come back to the present when Louisa squeezes my hand. I look over to that beautiful woman, the mother to my son and my dream of these nightly settings together calms me further.

xXxXx

Later that evening as we lay in bed, Louisa starts a conversation to my surprise on 'why do I get embarrassed when she breast feeds.' "It is natural for me to do but you get 'wonky' whenever I open my bra to feed our son, am I doing something wrong?" she asks.

I clear my throat as it seems to be very dry, as if I am swallowing broken glass, "No, uhm what do you mean 'wonky'?"

"It's a look, embarrassment, or maybe you are having naughty thoughts, Martin?"

The surprised look on my face, shows that she figured out my thoughts, but how? "Wha… t do you mean?" I stammer.

"Martin, sexual thoughts. Having such thoughts isn't unusual. Actually seeing you shirtless and knowing what you have in your pants, every morning makes me imagine very naughty thoughts. I can't wait to have my six week checkup so I can jump your bones," she says with a very intense look in those beautiful eyes.

"You mean … you…'re not upset with my physical responses to you right now?"

She looks at me with pure lust, then Louisa smiles and leans towards me, taking my face in her hands; she kisses me deeply with her tongue probing past my lips and almost down my throat. In stunned silence, I kiss her in return and can only hope the next three weeks pass quickly. She parts her lips accepting my tongue as our kiss deepens once again. Suddenly I realize this passion needs to end, as I can't go any further without injuring her healing body; I back away by getting out of bed, heading to the en-suite bath to take another cold shower.

End of Chapter

Kegel exercises: alternate contraction and relaxation of perineal muscles for treatment of urinary stress incontinence. These exercises done during pregnancy or after childbirth strengthen the muscles that support your bladder, rectum, small intestines and uterus.

*The idea for sitting together watching the sunsets each night is from "A Long Way" by Bodmin.