almost everything i wish i'd said (the last time i saw you)

"Because...it's my goddamn fault!"

"No, Harvey. It's not." she explains gently. "It's Mike's fault just as much as it is yours."

"Then why should I be the one to throw him under the bus?" he retorts, voice thick with emotion.

"Don't you get it? I'm not asking you to throw him under the bus, I'm asking you to believe that the two of you are worthy of being found innocent."

"And what if I can't do that?"

She can't think of a time she's ever seen him so desperate; guilt and hurt and fear chipping away at the man in front of her. She sways between soft words of comfort and firm reminders of the reality of the situation he's found - they've found - themselves in.

"Then you can march yourself down to Gibbs' office tomorrow and turn yourself in." He watches her with wide eyes, takes in her tears and her quiet desperate attempts to stop him from doing what he knows he has to do. He's tried, unsuccessfully, to not consider her in all of this. He goes to her for her advice and help, to let him vent, to help him talk through his thoughts, but he can't let himself think about how this affects her; not as his secretary and certainly not as anything else. "But I don't want you to do that."

He hangs his head in shame as he thinks about the ever growing list of people he's pulled down with him in this game of high-stakes he's been playing in the name of being the best.

"Why not?"

"Because I think you're worthy." she answers softly, truthfully. "And I don't want to lose you."

He looks up at that, wide, tear-filled eyes staring deeply into her own. It almost breaks him; she, and she alone, has the power to ruin his whole plan. He knows he needs to pay for the choices he's made, the risks he's taken, but he's not sure he can leave her if she tells him to stay; he'd move heaven and earth if it meant keeping her happy and safe.

"Donna -"

"Harvey, please." she begs with a sob.

"Donna, I just...I have to think about Mike in all of this. He has so much more to lose."

"What does that mean?!" she pushes back.

"He has Rachel! They're in love and engaged and -"

"What makes you think I'm not in love with you, you idiot?!" she shouts, shocking them both. He's gaping at her, dropping himself back into the chair he just vacated. She recovers first, turning to face him fully with a sigh.

"I didn't mean for it to come out like that. I-"

"So you didn't mean it?" He questions quickly, not really knowing how he wants her to answer that question.

"No, I did." she confirms with a sad smile. "I just hadn't intended to tell you like that; hell, I don't know if I ever intended to tell you at all. But me telling you is either going to be a wake up call that Mike is not the only one with something to lose or, if you go to prison, at least I'll know I told you and I tried. But you don't get to just turn yourself in and go to prison like your choices don't impact those around you."

"Do you think I don't know that, Donna?" he argues, his voice no longer soft and small, but firm and frustrated. "Because I do. But I can't let that - let you - be a factor in this."

"Why? I know we're not...whatever, but if I don't factor into your decision, why are you even here, Harvey?" she snaps.

"You know exactly why I'm here, Donna, probably more than I do. But if I factor you into this - if I think, for one second, about having to spend even a minute without you then all bets are off - I will fold. But that guilt would eat me alive, Donna, and it would ruin us."

"Well the good news for you, I guess, is that there's no 'us', Harvey. I don't regret telling you, but I'm under no illusion that you feel the same way." She's not sure when she went from pleading and desperate to cold and dismissive, but she can feel her walls climbing higher and if she doesn't strengthen her resolve, those walls are going to close in on her. She's always considered her self a fiercely independent woman, she's never needed a man; but the idea of being without him for years is beyond anything she can or wants to imagine.

He's in her space in a flash, dropping to his knees next to her chair, hands tentatively resting on the outside of her thighs. "There is always, has always and will always be an us, Donna. We both know that."

She's staring down at him, afraid to move or breathe or speak.

"Donna. You know I love you. And I know the last time I said that it almost ruined us because I couldn't tell you how. And the truth is, I'll never have the words to properly answer that question because I just...love you. In all the ways. My life - my world - begins and ends with you."

His name escapes her mouth on a gasp. Eyes glittering with tears, widened in shock like she's watching a dream play out in real life. And truthfully, maybe she is.

"But," he continues, the immediate furrow in her brow prompting him to lift his hand to cup her face gently; grazing the apple of her cheek with his thumb. "We can't be an us with this hanging over our heads. I can't do that to you. I won't."

And then it's her turn to reach out, her hand mirroring the one on her face, his eyes softening as her delicate fingers trace his jaw.

"Harvey, I'm only going to say this once: no matter what you do, I will be here. Tomorrow, the next day...five years from now." she chokes out, tears splashing down over her cheeks faster than he can wipe them away. "But I am begging you - please don't do this. Don't turn yourself in, don't leave me."

"Donna." he sighs, tears of his own spilling over as he rests his forehead on her knees; her fingers combing through his hair as his shoulder - heavy with guilt and grief and decisions yet to be made - shake.

He lifts his eyes to hers, and she can see the moment he finds his resolve and screws his courage to the sticking place.

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Okay, I won't do it." he swears. "I'll go tomorrow morning, I'll sit with Mike and I'll have faith."

She breathes out a sob of relief, wrapping her arms around his shoulders as his wind tightly around her middle.

"Oh, god, Harvey. Thank you." she whispers into his neck. She can feel him placing light kisses into her hair, gentle gestures of comfort sprinkling from her ear to her jawline as he pulls back to look at her. He wipes her tears as she does the same for him and she knows in that moment that no matter what they face, they'll always face it together.

He moves in closer, head tilting as his eyes dart down to her lips as he wets his own, but before he can close the distance, she stops him with a dainty hand to his mouth and a kiss to the forehead.

"Tomorrow." She whispers gently, with another long kiss to his cheek. "Tomorrow, when the jury comes back and you're both found innocent, then you can come home to me and kiss me."

"What, you don't trust me?" he teases, and she thinks she sees a glimmer of the charmingly boyish man she fell in love with all those years ago.

"With absolutely every part of me," she promises with a wink. "but a girl's got to have some leverage."