Equal Parts of a Whole
By: SheAlwaysDies
with MortisVenom as Story Consultant
Chapter 20 - Reindeer Antlers
*this story has content related to substance abuse*
Anna
If the idea was to master the quickie Anna would have to let Elsa know that the added intensity of having her sister inside her was a deterrent to her climax. It was a new source she had to build up from. Her body greedily paused the rest of her sensations to focus on Elsa's circling finger. The rest of her body rocked at the edge while Elsa pushed her wrist forward, snickering into Anna's neck, the only other spot where their skin was actually coming into contact.
The shelving unit Anna was pressed against rattled, a few glass jars clinking together, as her hips got too excited. Elsa paused, her eyes shot up into Anna's. The glare the redhead received was wicked as it paired with a gritted grin. This was madness. Anna had no idea how Elsa had expected her to keep her composure. She had been minding her own business, doing Bulda a favour and collecting something from the down stairs storage room, when the door had suddenly slammed shut.
Elsa was on the inside of it, her chest already heaving as if she'd just been given a shot of adrenaline in the thigh. Her eyebrows didn't have to bounce to let Anna know her intention, it was radiating out of her. If she was cartoon there would be vicious red waved lines floating all around her body and Anna would have the classic bead of sweat hovering right off the corner of her forehead. Maybe it was a cartoon because Elsa's mouth found hers before Anna could ready herself. Her hands were occupied holding sweetened condensed milk, one can in the right hand and two in her less dominant one. As Elsa ears cleared the coast, she went back at it, this time diving in deeper, pulling out faster, and plunging back into her kid sister with a fervour that begged the cans to fall to the ground.
"Jesus, Elsa." Anna gasped through wired shut teeth. Her head fell back. Her neck leaning into a shelf. It was a relief to how light headed she felt. Elsa took the extra space to suck.
"You're getting better at holding off." It was a compliment, considering their first night of having a bigger bed to share they hadn't used a single inch of the extra space. Elsa sneaked out after a good cuddle,leaving Anna limp with lips raw from being kissed so hard and the taste of herself in her own mouth. As she came, for the third time under her grandparent's welcoming roof, by her own sister's hand, Anna realized she had created a monster. A gorgeous crazed beast that certainly liked leaving a mark. While Anna had a mind that was insatiable, it seemed Elsa's drive was too. She laughed into the glorious sensation as the blonde pulled back. Elsa sneered as she pressed a finger into Anna's instantly bruised skin.
"Is there such things as an indoor scarf?" Anna's breath was restless as she spoke. Her smile was so big it was hard not to mumble her words.
"Evaporated milk."
"What?" Anna furrowed at the husk I've her sister's voice. The blonde was adjusting her clothes as if they were anywhere close to being as disheveled as Anna's were.
"You're making pumpkin pies. You need evaporated milk." Anna's eyes pinched together at the smug look on Elsa's face. The eldest turned her body away but her graze remained on the girl who had just been accosted in a pantry, and had been touched without being to relax the bend in her elbows in fear of making a ruckus, of getting caught. Elsa's hips swayed as she exited.
It was fucking Christmas Eve.
Anna stared at the shelving, unblinking for a quite a while trying to find what she actually came in here for. Her muscles were all soft. She felt like crawling back into bed, but she was having a good time being Bulda's cooking assistant. She was pretty oblivious in the kitchen. Bulda had spent every hour of this day already behind the kitchen counter. Anna could at least grab all the heavy stuff and do all the running around. That was enough, just to be part of the preparations.
Leaving the secondary pantry Anna rounded the corner to cross the family room and make her way back up to the kitchen. She heard Elsa's low voice immediately and slowed.
"Good, yes. I have that." Anna expected a response to come but silence fell. Elsa was on the phone.
"Yes... In cash- the full amount." A pause. "Today. Seriously?"
Anna didn't mean to be soundless. The carpet was just too plush under her bare feet. She put herself and her three cans, of hopefully the right kind of milk, in the middle of the room to announce her presence to her sister. Elsa was hunched over her phone, her back facing the room as she shifted her weight from one foot to another.
"An hour is fine." A huff of air exited her mouth as she put the phone back into her back pocket.
"What was that?" Elsa flinched and then turned on her heel.
"I just got called into work. Guess I'm working a double now."
"That was work?" Anna didn't even have to maul over her skepticism. Nothing in cash was ever a good thing. She had Elsa's clear eyes locked to hers as she challenged her big sister for the truth.
"Mhm. Warehouse is closed tomorrow. All hands on deck to get a final shipment out." Whatever sweet feeling Anna had fluttering in her stomach was replaced. If Bulda hadn't been feeding her so much bread, there'd be enough acid in there to start up a torment in her stomach, the feeling she normally got when her mother was bull shitting her. Now her stomach just felt heavy.
"You're such an ass," Anna stormed off knowing Elsa was not a fan of making a scene.
"Got lost Hun?" Bulda asked when she heard the cans being sent down onto the laminate countertop. She didn't look up to see Anna's scowl. Builds was focused on stirring the cranberry sauce, a job previously allotted to Anna.
"Nan, I gotta go to work. I'll be back after Santa cases the joint." Elsa was already tossing her jacket on.
"So soon, so long?" The woman took her attention away from the burner, arms still stirring but lips puckered. Elsa pressed her cheek into the lips not letting the connection last even a quarter of a second before reaching out for Anna. The redhead leaned against the refrigerator, shifting the many magnets holding memos, notes and pictures with her back as she settled.
"Yeah, but I'll be good. It's just important that I go." Anna rolled her eyes at Elsa's weak attempt to quell her little sister. Her hands landed on either side of Anna's neck as she watched Anna's contempt fall into the back of her head.
"Anna? Can you make sure the coffee's strong for Christmas morning?" The blonde's raspy voice silked out. Elsa gave the hug thing a try. Since Anna was stanced angrily, her crossed arms left some distance between them.
"I love you the most," came a soft whisper. Anna knew the wording was choice. It wasn't a commonly used phrase between the two. It commanded trust. It was meant to bring to peace.
"I have to run or you would know everything by now. Don't burn the pie or I'll kill you."
"There's never going to be a pie with this sloth in my kitchen." Bulda pulled the girl's apart by waving a jammy wooden spoon at Anna. She accepted her task back and focused on the low boil in front of her instead of watching Elsa root for and leave with Agnarr's car keys.
"Are you two alright?" Bulda prodded as her wrist spun the can opener.
"She said to trust her."
"She gave me a call this past week. Sounds like she's taking a lot on."
"Do you think too much?" Anna asked, the great debate between her mother and Elsa suddenly back with its pro and con list. Her imaginary pen was waiting to know if it had to write, I'm too much of a burden, on Elsa's con side.
"I don't think her goals are too much, but what she decides to put herself through to achieve them is a different story." With an answer like that, Anna's list just turned into a huge question mark. If Elsa was off lying about her working a double, and going to sling some cash at a known rendezvous, Anna had a sneaking feeling she knew who to ask about it.
She excused herself to call her mother. Bulda, unphased, asked her for more paper towels when Anna came back up. The redhead found herself back in the same living room Elsa had taken her call in. Stopping to find a seat she noticed that the couch on the long wall was familiar. It was the green suede couch. The photograph she'd had burned a week ago was taken here. The art deco side table that was full of beer cans had a stack of old magazines on it instead. As Anna heard the endless ringing in her ear, she scanned the photos above the couch. Each person present the picture Anna had gotten rid of was accounted for in the frames.
Anna was looking at an old image of her mother, sitting on Agnarr's lap at the dining room table that was probably right above Anna on the main floor. The redhead was rehearsing the message she'd leave when the line clicked.
"Merry Christmas, my little sunflower." It almost sounded like she had called Elsa. The nickname was the only difference she heard on the other line.
"Mom?"
"Yeah, baby it's me. Did you mean to call?"
"No yeah, it's just weird I'm looking at a photo of you from when you're like Elsa's age." It was kinda nice to look into her mother's eyes as they started a conversation.
"I heard you'd be at Agnarr's folk's. Is the smell of dust giving you a headache yet?" Anna felt a bit of malice in her remark. She was reminded of Bulda's words surrounding their relationship. Anna had a second to wonder what had occurred between them. How could it have gone so wrong that anytime Anna had to be re-homed she missed out on being sent to this safe haven?
"It actually smells like a bakery." Anna defended.
"Is your sister there?" The change of topic was crucial and Anna welcomed it. She was calling about Elsa after all.
"No, why? Do you know where she is?" Anna knew she wasn't going to get a straight answer. She wasn't expecting the truth. She held her breath so that it wouldn't obstruct her mother's tone as she examined it for lies.
"Oh, no. I just haven't heard your voices together in a while." There was nothing there. Iduna was a sly liar. Something with an extra detail would have set off Anna's alarm. She relaxed a little. Her dismissed concern gave way to a bitterness she had forgotten was there.
"I've heard yours on your answering machine."
"I'm sorry I couldn't call you from rehab, Anna you know that." Anna suddenly didn't want to look at the photograph anymore as she realized that on the theme of liars, the two biggest ones in her life were pictured, sharing a moment before they ever thought they might have children to hurt. She flopped down on the suede couch.
"And things have been crazy since I left. With Christmas and all. I'm actually doing another move right now. Things got complicated, my new room mate OD'd. The pills were mine. I got kicked out of my program." Anna's slouched position shot up. Casual statements were the way her mother told truths.
"Anna, I wasn't using, I swear." Her daughter's silence seemed to mean Iduna had to better her defense. "I barely meant to be holding them."
Anna audibly scoffed.
"But it's been a blessing in disguise. The girl is fine, thank God really. Her mom is actually by her side, which is a big deal. And I'm okay with doing the rest of my recovery without my group. It means I can get a place come the New Year. I'm already lining up a job." There was more to the hurried account of events than Iduna cared to say as she rambled them off. Normally Anna had about a million pointed questions and would be halfway through them by now, but that list was on her mind again. The scale she'd assumed Elsa always had raised in favour of the Fjelstads over her little sister, was now Anna's. Her mother was digging a hole for hers to lower even deeper.
"You know I was going to tell you on the 26th when we got to see each other. But it's good. It's all good news. Merry Christmas, we are going to be together sooner." The inflection on her voice ended with some cheer. Anna didn't bite. She wasn't a child anymore, bought by some optimism and a song.
"That's interesting mom, too bad about your placement though. My case worker really believed it was for the best for you." Deadpanned.
"Fate has other plans. For us to be together. I can't complain about that."
"What about your sobriety?" Keeping her dramatics inaudible, Anna tossed her back against the armrest of the couch. She was now, accidentally, in the same position her mom was in the photograph that had started Anna's first real disconnect from her mother. The bread in her stomach was bothering her again. It was the food baby in the photo recreation.
"I'm all in Anna. I promise when you see me, you're going to be proud. I've been hustling like I do. I'm going to break my record getting you back." Anna could make a necklace with this string of words. It could be the log line of her life.
"Well it's Christmas. Why don't you relax a bit and head to a meeting? And I'll see you real soon to celebrate." Anna curled herself around her phone, sliding into the fetal position on the smooth material of the old couch.
"We have lots to celebrate." Iduna's optimism didn't waiver, even with her youngest daughter's uncharacteristic response.
"I love you." Was all Anna could think of to say. All the other words forming in the back of her mind sounded like things Elsa would arm herself with. Now was not the time to do her mother any harm.
"Me too, I miss you baby." That was enough of a farewell. Anna hung up. She found comfort in her own limbs for a moment. She focused on choice parts of herself, feeling the lingering rough touch her sister left behind. She pushed down on the bruise in her neck, trying to remind herself that Elsa had proven again and again that she was on Anna's side.
She heard a slow approach. Heavy footsteps that landed far apart from one another as a bow legged stance moved forward. It belonged to Pabbie, whose sluggish old movements were easy to learn and match to him. Anna was surprised by how much older he was from his wife. When reintroduced to him, his sharp mind remembered Anna enough to recall that she used to have blonde and redhead princess dollies. Anna had lost them in transit. But Pabbie reminding her of them confirmed the genuine smile on his face when he waited for a hug she gave freely.
Anna bolted up right before he could see her sulking. His body wasn't in nearly as good of a state as his mind. He waddled over to his recliner, remembering to scoop up the remote control for the television before he sat down. He winced in pain as he found a comfortable position.
"HIghlights. Agnarr always wants to watch highlights together." Pabbie announced as he finally settled in the dent of his old chair. Anna rolled back down into a more comfortable position. She felt at ease amongst Pabbie, like she didn't have to hide her body language, maybe she didn't even have to conceal anything, well apart from the obvious.
"I can't help but wonder what it would be like if I had been able to stay with you guys." She said as the sports channel illuminated. Pabbie immediately pulled the remote back into his hand muting the television.
"Impossible. Iduna holds top rank over all the insistent mothers we've had to deal with throughout the years. She had a very tight hold on you. Rightfully so, after all, we were once hours away from having adopted Elsa. Your mother swooped in and won her back." Anna sunk back deeper into the couch as she gave Pabbie all her attention. It was as if he was the pages of a journal, opened to a random spot and hiding little details that would have been forgotten if not stored somewhere safe.
"Getting a baby taken away is hard on a mother but it was difficult on Bulda too. We didn't get many babies. Her 18 was her miracle. It felt like a reward from God to get what she had always wanted from the first child we ever took in." Bulda had mentioned Agnarr was their first foster child. Anna had always heard about Elsa's evil grandparents, who took her mother's new born child away from her. Anna had spent her life in the system and still had such little understanding of how it worked. Both sides of the story just made it harder to decide which choice would have been best.
"We thought not being able to have babies was a real heartbreak. Having them taken. Well that's worse. All we ever did was take care of taken kids, only to have them taken. It's a mutually destructive system on all sides." Anna understood why Pabbie had used the word impossible. The stories in this journal would always be too complicated for there to have ever been a right decision. Anna's pro and con list suddenly felt so futile.
"But Bulda heart's always been in it. The revolving door is how she survives. She's very passionate about you for lots of reasons. But not being able to be the one you could fall back on might be the strongest."
"Honestly, I don't remember being here. I would have never known to hold it against you." Anna still didn't know what words other than thank you to share with this couple. The redhead never thought she was ever longed for, quite the opposite in fact. She was a nuisance to the Fjelstads and in the way of her mother's plans and parties. The strangers with nothing but kindness behind their eyes had Anna in a dizzy state rethinking so many different phases of her life.
"We haven't been hosting new kids on account of our limited mobility these days. But we still renew our foster care license so we can be ready for anything. It's been quiet but as soon as a few start trickling back in, this home comes alive again." Pabbie was smiling now. His eyes were not tested by the hockey action on the television. He seemed to be both reminiscing and looking forward. Anna returned his smile, she was doing the same.
"I would love to be back more. I could help you guys out around the house. It's so big for two people." It was more than thank you. Anna meant each word like a promise.
"That's an official offer no?" Anna eagerly bounced her head affirmatively. "Then we expect to see you around, shoveling some snow."
"Hey, turn it up!" Agnarr's sudden voice made Anna jump and curse this 70's style plush carpet. It seemed to be able to muffle any advance except maybe Pabbie's. Even a big guy like her sister's father, with arms full of three bowls of chips, each heaping filled with different flavours, and a beer tucked under his armpit and one under his chin, had been able to startle her. His raised eyebrows asked Anna to come to his aide. He dropped the first bowl before she was really ready to catch it, a few fell on to the beige flooring.
"You like ketchup chips?" He asked her as he waddled over to Pabbie and let the can of Lucky's slip down his chest for his father to catch. The old man tapped at the top of the can a few times before clicking it open. The foam came right up to the opening before settling and then getting tipped down his throat.
Agnarr dropped a bowl on Pabbie's lap before taking a seat on the opposite end of the couch, one cushion between him and Anna. His movements, while opening the beer can, reflected Pabbie to perfection. Watching him kinda felt like deja-vu. It was a strong reminder that blood wasn't the only thing that made a family.
Anna looked down at the glass bowl in her hands, it was big enough to serve punch in, and had likely been filled with an entire bag of what really was her favourite type of chip. It had another offering sitting on top of it, her own can of Lucky's. If this had been a few weeks ago she would have been ecstatic by the gesture, as if thinning out the blood in her veins was Agnarr's way of bringing her into his family.
Aganrr was looking at the TV. Anna watched him freely. He wasn't blinking, as if he was forcing himself to focus on whatever hockey game being recapped. She opened the can of beer just to see if he'd react to the sound of it cracking. He did flinch. Shoulders Anna hadn't even noticed were being held high, dropped down, changing the practiced posture he usually wore around his wife and children, slouching.
Of course, Anna forgot to tap on the rim of it before opening, even though she had no intention of drinking her Lucky she had to put her mouth around the opening and try to control the rising foam by taking big gulps.
The men in the room laughed at her, forgetting about the scoreboard to exchange snide jabs about the kid joining them at the adult table. Anna held in a bitter burp as she regained her composure. Agnarr was suddenly relaxed, holding a closed first over his mouth as his boisterous laughter subsided. His eyes were on the redhead now, the way they could soften was so very Elsa. Anna was overcome with the urge to drop her body onto the couch and let her head fall in his lap. The need was so sudden, so desperate to know what it was like to be held by him. Anna was sure, she would just fit there, draped over his legs.
It would confirm what she was already sure was true. Why else would Pabbie and Bulda be so kind to her? Maybe if Anna were ever to be in his embrace she could decide what to feel about him. If she was going to hate him she would want to start right then and there, be close enough to press all the bony parts of her into him, the only way she could think of causing him some sort of pain while in his grasp. If she was going to forgive him, it might as well be sooner. So that she could feel good in arms that weren't just Elsa's but other parts of her too.
But Anna wasn't going to hit him, she wasn't going to forgive him. All she was going to do was pick up a ketchup chip and not noticed that half of it had turned soggy from a bit of split beer until after it was in her mouth. The redhead stared eyes forward at the television, cheering at the screen with the same delay she had at church service during the calls to respond. A commercial for some paper towels reminded her Bulda was still busy upstairs. She excused herself, leaving a half full beer on the stack of magazines where her mother once did the same.
Anna struggled to relax as she attempted to concentrate on Bulda's demands. Her busy mind was not pierced by instructions or Christmas carols. Any thoughts of her mother throwing her belongings into a black trash bag and leaving her program, or Agnarr's throat bouncing as he polished off another beer, of Astrid reaching her mother's house supported by a second hand cane, and Olaf skirting the carpet in Mulan's room could be drowned out by asking a stupid question. However, the idea of Elsa out in the height of prairie winter made Anna long for Christmas morning, not for any reason other than to confirm her sister hadn't done anything stupid.
For this version of the Fjelstads, Christmas Eve tradition was a meat and cheese plate put together by the women of the house. Anna took extra care to lay it all out delicately, as if it was made by Elsa's hand. She cut up all the vegetables ensuring they were even, and fanned out the crackers so that they looked somewhat fancy. All the preparations for the next day were put on hold to take the platter down and sit around the television. Anna made several trips back upstairs to grab more and more beer.
Half of the experience was nice, like Bulda sitting on the side of the couch Anna was at earlier and her patting the floor in front of her for Anna to sit between her legs. The mock commentary the older woman made of sports she didn't understand, and Pabbie visibly miffed by each new jab, allowed Anna to fall into enough comfort to try out her own jokes. Even Agnarr's laughter ringing out at her quips brought the redhead an odd sense of normalcy.
The other half wasn't fairing so well, even Bulda leaned down eventually and whispered, "maybe it's time for you to get some sleep." It was still early for a night of celebration but with a big hug from Bulda, Anna was on her way to bed.
On her back, the bed sheets between her and the mattress were paper thin from a thousand washes. Anna could see the outlines of the things that made up who her alleged father once was. Even squeezing her eyes tight didn't wipe away the feeling of being so fully emerged into a stranger's territory. Anna found solace by pulling out her phone and looking at the texts she received from Elsa while brushing her teeth. Mostly the selfie Elsa had sent to her from the staff room at the warehouse, wearing a felt reindeer head band and the casual innuendos about Elsa wearing them when she crept into Anna's bed for the night. The redhead reread the messages, letting herself smile at her big sister's use of bucking. It was silly but it made her stomach flip just the same. Knowing Elsa survived her outing and was indeed now where she said she'd be, gave Anna permission to fall asleep.
She was restless even with the small assurances Elsa sent from her side of the winter. Anna had just fallen back to sleep when she finally felt what she was waiting for. It surprised her a bit when the bed shifted, an ass sitting on the edge. The shift of weight made the mattress bunch up where Anna was laying on her side facing away from the door. She could barely manage a smile in greeting. Anna's voice came out weakly as she turned, calling out her name.
"Els,"
"No," Anna felt all her muscles contract as a male voice hit the room. She shot up, her heart beating in alarm more than fear. She knew who the voice belonged to. In the darkness the most Anna could make out was the bright gold of his hair.
"Mr. Fjelstad?"
"Hey, Merry Christmas." Agnarr responded softly, the greeting was laced with an apology.
"I thought you were Elsa. Um, Merry Christmas." Anna pulled herself up to seated, resting her back on the headboard. Her bare skin met chilled metal. She involuntarily flinched. The redhead suddenly remembered she purposely skipped her pajamas. She scrambled to grab handfuls of Agnarr's old quilt, and pulled it up to her neck, effectively covering up her bra.
"I didn't mean to startle you," the man at the edge of her bed put his hand down on Anna's leg, hoping to calm her. Anna sucked in a breath, glad that there was a layer between Agnarr's fingers and her bare leg.
"I wanted to get a minute with you alone. I was just sitting in my bed realizing that if I didn't come now, I wasn't going to get a second chance at it." Anna nodded, her head bounced a few times as she waited for Agnarr to continue whatever was so pressing.
"What I mean to say is, is it alright that I'm here?" Anna let out a heavy puff of hair. It wasn't discrete. She wanted to let him know she was not exactly comfortable, but her words said something different.
"Yeah. okay."
"I already said Merry Christmas didn't I?" Agnarr pointed his index fingers at the empty half of the head board. Anna could sort of make out his facial expression. His eyebrows were slightly raised, asking for permission to take the spot next to the redhead. In response Anna shifted even closer to the edge of the bed, making more room than needed for him to join.
Anna was suddenly very aware that the pillow Agnarr grabbed to prop his back up was under her ass the night prior as his eldest daughter played her tongue between her sister's legs. She'd been using it as she struggled to fall asleep to replace her sister, letting the smell of it soother her with thoughts that no matter how bad she'd felt, Elsa would soon be caressing that feeling away.
The redhead shrunk down into the mattress a little more, hoping that Agnarr was drunk enough to have less use of his senses. He certainly smelt like cheap beer. With Elsa in between her legs somehow all of Agnarr's things had faded away. It hadn't occurred to her once that she came on his pillow, or even in his daughter's mouth.
"I have so much to say," There was no slur in Agnarr's words and Anna didn't really want to hear him. Still him talking was better than him honing in on a detail that could derail Anna more than what she suspected he had come to say ever could. That was the thing about having the bigger secret.
"But I keep coming up with this one thing. I don't know if I can get much further without just saying it." Agnarr's words came out without any space between them. He wasn't asking for permission so Anna just remained silent, waiting.
"You look so much like your mom used to. Her hair used to be redder. Not like yours, but it would catch the light. The sun on her face, that's you, Iduna illuminated." Those words were spoken slowly, they came out like a poet writing on the spot in exchange for a loonie at the subway station.
"I saw some of her photos," Anna attempted to make this exchange an actual conversation.
"Ah, they are one of the weirdest things about being home. It's strange that you can live so many lifetimes in one, like a cat. There's so much you want to bury but then it's all over the walls." Anna braced herself. She wondered if the photo in the box was once on hanging in this house, a proud display of family that was taken down when secrets needed to be snuffed out. Anna tried to remember if the photo she'd found had tack marks on it, or if Agnarr took it out a frame in the living room and Anna had been replaced with something else.
"It's been- being home." Agnarr was outwardly struggling, while the same turmoil sloshed in Anna's stomach."There's something I have been waiting to be ready to talk about and suddenly you're in my childhood bedroom over Christmas holiday and I realized, there's never going to be a good time. I'm never going to be ready. It's never going to be easy."
"Is this about you and my mom being an item when she was pregnant with me?" Anna said it for him. Agnarr's head snapped back in surprise. She let her words come out angry. She was not sure if she held it against him, being his kid, or if she was pissed that he was saying so now, in a house where he would likely get caught, and a week before Elsa won custody of her little sister, something Agnarr had shown disdain over.
"Your mother told you about that?"
"No. She's lied to me as much as you have." Anna started to lean further away from Agnarr. She was starting to see more in the dark. Details of his face were becoming more clear. His cheeks were drooping, he looked a lot more than just drunk.
"I really don't know how to explain Anna." The redhead thought that supplying the words might get him out of the room faster, but instead he broke up his sentence with a drawn out groan.
"We shared a child then," he finally made out. "We shared a history. We were a bunch healthier than we had ever been. We were clean. Our relationship was actually working like a family should." Bullshit, Anna thought, but she stopped herself and reordered her words.
"What about Astrid? I barely had a family so I might not be the best judge, but is that how they're supposed to work?"
"Exactly, Astrid. I got her pregnant. From there, every choice was impossible. Her family was on us to do the right thing and get married immediately, before Sorren was born. I already knew you were on the way, and Iduna, she refused to be clear with me." Anna had been too busy, already struggling with her mother, who had always been her only ally, to put any real onus on her in the last few weeks.
"She wouldn't tell me if you were mine or not. It got to be a big enough fight that she kicked me out."
"So it's her fault you walked away from Elsa, from me?" There was strange heat coming from Agnarr, he was sweating. He started fidgeting, looking forward at the plaid curtains that strained out the moonlight.
"No," he said after giving it some thought. "It just forced me into a direction when I was stuck in the middle."
"Okay." Anna felt the question, the one that was really on her mind start to crawl up the ridges of her esophagus. It was sure to make itself heard even though she did not want to be having this conversation at all.
"That explains that but fast forward. You left me behind."
"I had no way of knowing if you were mine." Agnarr was quick to answer.
"Is that why you wouldn't even look at me?!" Anna did not know she was holding anything back, let alone her voice, or tears. Still it all came out freely along with the image of Elsa getting frustrated over her shoe laces, her hands shaking too much. She gave up trying, which Elsa never used to do. Agnarr knelt down, his hands were so big. Anna intently watched his fingers swiftly loop the bunny ears and make the knot. He never lost focus even as Anna called out for her sister. He'd put the same palm between Elsa's shoulder blades and guided her through the door, neither Fjelstad looked back. The last thing Anna saw of him were his fingers on the door knob, shutting the door behind him.
"Yes." Those hands came up to run through Agnarr's light hair now. His knuckles stiffened to pull at the locks.
"Astrid gave me a chance. She wanted a daughter. We thought she wouldn't be able to have another child. That was it, I had one opportunity to get my baby back." Agnarr stopped trying to see through the curtains and did what he had not been able to over a decade prior. He turned to look at Anna. His stare was heavy, Anna could feel it asking her to look back. She refused.
"I swear, Anna, it was never them over you. It was them or nothing." Them, the Fjelstads, who grew up a family, sitting around the dinner table. Them, the strangers, who made Anna always feel so alone, unwanted, who won everything, even Anna's father. Them, including the most important half of Anna, while never wanting the only half Anna had to offer. Then Anna, who was always so hurt by them.
"You weren't an option for me ever. Not ever, Anna." Agnarr reached out to her, grabbing at the shoulder furthest from him to turn her. He wanted her to face him as if he had any say over her. But Anna was too hurt to care. She gave him what he wanted and let her eyes land on his.
"If I didn't take Elsa then I would have never seen you. I could have won visitation, or partial custody of Elsa but without fraternal rights over you, you wouldn't have been included. I thought if I had your sister a hundred percent of the time, the courts would mandate that you visit her. It was my desperate attempt to get at least a piece of you." The two looked into one another, each saying the same thing in their heads. That decision ruined them both.
"It was a shit plan. There was never enough time. Elsa missed you so much. I had to watch you from afar even then." Anna thought back to more of the photographs. This time to the ones that Merida had saved from the fire. They were tucked away, proof that Agnarr had a secret and dreamed things were different. It was proof he was watching. He was watching Anna as she grew, maybe even with the exact same expression he was using to look at her now.
"In the end, it didn't matter what you looked like or who you belonged to. The truth, it didn't matter. If I fought for you, I was up against Iduna, the courts, and Astrid. If I tried to win you, I would have lost every, other, single thing. I hate to admit this but, I was used to missing you Anna. I didn't think I would survive missing my wife and my son, my baby daughter and my first child." Anna could feel the tears that'd streamed down her face push down further. They were pooling down by her chest where the bedspread was bunched up covering her.
"They were all better than me." Anna lamented.
"Not better. Just tangible."
"Everyone always fought for Elsa. No one ever wanted me." The redhead's bottom lip was trembling, like a dam buckling, cracking, ready to burst out into a sob.
"I did Anna. I've always wanted you baby. I'm so sorry." Agnarr used his hold on Anna's shoulder to force her body forward, he tried to meet her in the centre of the double bed. Anna felt weak but she stiffened at his attempt to bring her in.
'I'm so sorry, Anna, please. Please let me try again." As he pleaded he kept trying to force Anna forward. She wanted to give in but she had too many things, too many people to be pissed at. Anna always put her anger aside for affection. Her desperation always overrode her temper but not this time.
"No, don't." Anna spat unforgivingly. She didn't need Agnarr. She was making her own family. She'd already staked a claim to Sorren and Margo without need of him. Mulan and Merida were the water Bulda had told Anna she needed to survive. And on top of all that she had Elsa. Elsa who had this incredible power to be more than just a sister to Anna.
Agnarr tried again, to bring Anna in closer. He repeated his words as did Anna as she struggled against his hands.
"Stop, it's not okay. Agnarr please, stop." This time he heard words. His fingers lifted off her skin. Free, Anna reached back for more of the blanket that had slipped down a bit. Agnarr was one small twitch into a sad smile when piercing thwack interrupted his surrender. He buckled, his weight falling forward into Anna.
"You sick, junkie, son of a bitch!" A second hit resounded in the room within the middle of Elsa's sudden war cry. The darkness had faded throughout Anna's conversation, she could now easily make out the details of the room. Elsa was now an occupant. She stood over the bed with a hockey stick held over her head. She went for a third swing before Anna could put together that the sound was thick wood lashing at Agnarr's skull, a sudden assault from a girl with festive reindeer antlers still sitting in her hair.
"Elsa!" Anna managed to call out as her big sister yanked at Agnarr's collar, and pulled him off Anna, onto the ground. "Elsa, stop! It's okay, it's not what you think!"
"You're fucking dead, thinking you could lay a hand on her!" It was obvious Elsa did not process a single thing her kid sister said, as she wound up the hockey stick again and continued her attack on the man on the ground. A scream hit the air and Anna had no idea who of the three it belonged to, if not each one of them, a distorted garbled howl.
"Elsa stop!" Anna tried to reach out, but the only thing her body wanted to do was curl deeper into the quilt. The fifth hit was the loudest but it didn't elicit any sound from Agnarr.
"He wasn't," Anna had to stretch out her voice to make her words form something, anything useful. "He's- He's my father!"
The hockey stick was being held up high again, another blow ready to collide but Elsa stopped at that. Her breasts were heaving as she took shallow erratic breaths. Her top lip was curled up touching her nose, her teeth barred producing a hiss like sound as she tried to take a breath.
"He was telling me he's my father." Anna added into the silence. Elsa lowered the hockey stick. Her eyes left her father to land on Anna's bare shoulders. She didn't blink as she processed her sister's claim. Anna could see it as if there was a word cloud above Elsa's head, putting together what exactly it meant for them to share a father. Anna knew it was coming before Elsa did it again. She brought her makeshift weapon up high and splintered the wood as she crashed it over the man on the ground. She tossed the piece left in her hands down at Agnarr.
"Get up. Put some clothes on. We're leaving." Elsa demanded of Anna without looking at her again. As she left her feet didn't make a single sound on the carpet.
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Celebration dance for chapter 20! Feeling good to be hitting the height of this story (: especially with all the love from the last chapter, you guys know how to get a writer high heh! Please keep reviewing as I hope to be on the right path as this beast starts to conclude.
Guest (about Bulda's intuition) - I wouldn't say so, maybe just far too eager to have Anna around with a hint of not caring about Agnarr's BS ;D TY for commenting and being this far into the story (:
Guest (about the sweet chapters) - Ah there aren't many of those in this story, but I had lots of fun writing something that was pretty much 99% goodness. Sorry it took me so long! Glad you are enjoying the interactions!