This chapter only contains little snippets of therapy or Andy and Robert and covers about 3 weeks.

————————————-

They were cuddled up in bed in the morning. The sun just started to make her way through the blinds into their bedroom. Andys head rested on his shoulder and he held her in his arms.

R: „ You have an appointment today, right?"

A: „Yes" she sighed. The appointments were helping her for sure but they were exhausting as well. Robert could tell she was trying but it wasn't easy and she got frustrated because she wanted to get cleared for work.

R: „How about we go to the park after? We could go to that coffee place you like and walk along the lake."

A: „That sounds good." she smiled a little. „Thank you Robert."

R: „For what?"

A: „For not leaving me when i was breaking apart and for helping me so much along the way. I really appreciate it."

R: „Of course babe. We are in this together." he kissed her on her forehead.

———————————

P: „Tell me about the call your father died on."

A: „We were at a storage unit, the fire had spread fast and a lot of people from my team were still Inside, we couldn't find our way out. The smoke made it impossible to see anything and I was almost out of oxygen. Robert found me and he connected me to his oxygen but we couldn't find the way out and kept going in circles. I thought that that was it. That we wouldn't make it out but ... the smoke disappeared.

P: „When did you find out it was your dad who saved everyone's life heroically?"

A: „When I got out I saw maya standing by the ladder, crying. I knew someone must have vented the roof or else the smoke wouldn't have disappeared. And then...I saw my dads cap near the ladder."

P: „How did you feel?"

A: „I... I felt like I just got ripped apart all over again. I mean I knew he was gonna die soon but I thought we had more time. Like someone robbed me of the time we had left. But he did it to save mine. ... and I wish he hadn't..."

P: „You wish you were dead instead of him?"

A: „Sometimes..."

———————————-

Robert walked into their bedroom but Andy wasn't there.

R: „Your still in the shower babe?" he said through the closed bathroom door and waited for an answer but all he could her now where Andys sobs making their way through the closed door and the running water from the shower. He slowly opened the door to see Andy leaning against the shower wall sobbing uncontrollably.

R: „It's all good Andy. I'm here. I got you." he said while turning off the water and grabbing her towel. „Come here." he helped her out of the shower and wrapped her in the towel. „It's all good." he took her in a hug and just held her. Robert could feel Andy didn't feel like talking about it after she came home from her appointment looking defeated this late afternoon. When her tears stopped she slipped out of his arms.

A: „I'm gonna put on some clothes."

R: „Okey I'm gonna wait in bed for you." Andy nodded. After she changed she got under the duvet and snuggled herself right next to him. He wrapped her in his arms and gave her soft kiss on her lips.

R: „Goodnight Andy. I love you."

A: „ I love you too."

———————————-

P: „What did you feel when you saw that Ryan got hit by a bullet?"

A: „Nothing. I felt nothing."

P: „Nothing? You seem to feel that a lot. How about trying to find another word."

A: „Maybe... panic."

P: „Can you explain this more?"

A: „I panicked because even though he had been gone he was the only one i could trust. It always has been this way. I was fighting with Robert because he gave away my promotion, I was mad at Maya for taking the job that was promised to me, I didn't talk to my dad after he called me a slut and Ryan... he came back and it was like he had never left at all. I could still trust him and he always pulled me together before i could fall apart."

P: „ And how did you feel after he died. How did you cope?"

A: „I felt like... i wasn't only missing him... it was more like a part of me was missing. As if he took that piece with him. And Angry. I was angry at the world... still am."

————————————

A: „So, what are we doing today? We've got the whole day, no appointments."

R: „Uhm i don't know. Movie day?"

A: „Ugh, I'm sick of sitting inside all day. Let's get out of the house."

In all this time since the day she found out about her mom, since the day of his surgery they have barley left the house except for appointments, grocery shopping and one stroll around the park. But now she was sick of being inside, and Robert could feel Andy was becoming herself more and more again as each day passed.

R: „Than how about we go on a hike?"

A: „I would love that." she said with a big smile on her face.

———————————-

P: „I know you said you didn't want to talk about your mom, so we pushed it back a little but i think it's time."

A: „There's nothing to talk about."

P: „So your mom appeared after 20 years in which you thought she was dead and you don't think there's anything to talk about?"

A: „No, because she's gone now."

P: „But she isn't dead."

A: „Well she hasn't texted or called so she may as well be dead. Who knows."

P: „Your mom may have left again, but what about your sister, you said she lives here in Seattle."

A: „I don't have a sister."

Andy stormed out of the office even though they still had some time left.

———————————

Right after that session:

Andy slammed the door when she got home.

R: „What did the poor door do to you?" he said joking.

A: „I'm really not in the mood for jokes."

R: „Well, what are you doing home already? I though you wouldn't be coming back for another 30 minutes."

A: „I quit."

R: „What?"

A: „I quit this stupid therapy. It's not helping at all and I'm fine. I talked enough."

Robert was shocked, yes Andy wasn't the biggest fan of therapy but she too had admitted that it helped her and just this morning she seemed so happy but now she wanted to quit? He dried his hands as he was just doing the dishes and went over to his wife, who was still standing in the hall and hadn't even taken off her jacket.

R: „What did you talk about?" he said with his hands on her hips so she wouldn't run off.

A: „Nothing." Andy turned her head as a tear escaped her eye. She didn't want to cry, she wasn't sad just angry.

A: „Can we please not talk about it?" she said quietly.

R: „Okey but Andy, You wanna go back to work right? You can't quit, you still need help."

She turned her head and looked into his eyes.

A: „I know."

She looked completely broken again, like she was falling apart all over after slowly putting some pieces back together. Seeing her like this hurt his heart too but he knew that her recovery couldn't be linear. There would be times when it would feel like things are going backwards. It's a part of the process, he knew that, so he pulled her into a hug.

R: „We are not giving up, okey? I know today was bad but we are gonna get there. Trust me, you will be fine. You are so strong, i don't have a single doubt you'll be back at work soon."

His words were comforting her a little and she closed her eyes and just felt the warmth of his body.

———————————

P: „What do you feel when you think about death. In general?"

A: „Nothing."

P: „Nothing?"

A: „I guess I'm just used to it by now. I lose victims every day on my job and there's no time to break down over every single loss."

P: „And what about the death of a loved one?"

A: „They are too."

P: „What?"

A: „The victim's, they are the loved ones of someone as well."

———————————

Robert looked outside the kitchen window and saw Andy laying on the lounger in their backyard. She had her eyes closed and for once it was sunny in Seattle and the sun made her whole body glow. She was in her thoughts but she was relaxed too and Robert just enjoyed seeing his wife laying there in peace. Because for just this moment Andy wasn't fighting her thoughts or feelings.

R: „Well that's a beautiful sight." he said looking at his wife while stepping outside.

Andy lifted her head, opened her eyes and smiled so wide, like she hadn't in weeks.

R: „You enjoying the sun?"

A: „I am." Robert sat down in the grass next to her.

A: „But there was something missing."

R: „What?"

A: „You silly." while saying that she got up and sat down in front of Robert between his legs. Robert pulled her into a hug and kissed her forehead. The sun was worming them on this not so warm day and they sat there enjoying the peace. Andy felt more hopeful than she had in weeks. All those racing thoughts were gone in this moment, her mind was at peace as she sat in her husbands arms feeling the sun in her face. Maybe things would be going up from here on.

———————————

A: „She's alive and I'm angry at her for leaving me back then but maybe her story was true. Maybe she was in danger, we were in danger and all she wanted was to protect me. I guess i just won't get to know if it was true or not until i see her again and i don't even know if I ever will. And i hate that she disappeared again so fast because i felt safe in her arms, somehow after 20 years she still managed to make me feel safe and i don't know if i will ever get to see or hug her again, so it's kinda like she died again. But i can't change the past and i know there is no point in dwelling on it and I'm really trying not to."

———————————

Robert was cleaning the kitchen when Andy came back downstairs after changing into something more comfortable. She turned up music and Robert turned around to her and saw that she was dancing.

A: „Pleeease don't let me dance alone. Come here."

Seeing her so happy and at peace made him feel warm and happy so he couldn't turn her down now. He walked over and Andy made a few quick steps forward to meet him half way. They started dancing together and looked deep into each other's eyes. Robert could see a spark in her eyes again. It wasn't quite as bright as it used to be but it was right there. Oh how he missed it.

———————————

P: „How are you feeling today?"

A: „It's like there are bees buzzing around in my mind. I can't think because they get in the way and they might sting and they are loud. But when he holds me, they disappear. Just like that the bees are gone and I can think, I can feel and I know I am safe. He... he makes them disappear"

———————————

Andy came in through the door, she had insisted on driving to her appointment by herself today.

A: „Uhm i think i need some help here Robert."

R: „What?" he turned around from the couch to look at her. She was slowly taking of her jacket with a smile on her face.

R: „So you need help talking of your jacket?" he asked with a little laugh while he got up and walked over to her and she dropped her jacket to the floor.

A: „Well, I think it's really hot in here and i think i need to take off more than just my jacket."

R: „That's a shame." he said and put his hands on her waist to pull her closer.

A: „Wait. What?" she pulled away. „Did I gain too much weight?". Her weight never really was a concern before, and it wasn't a reason for why she had eaten less but now with putting on some weight again she sometimes felt a little self conscious.

R: „I was joking babe. You are beautiful and i love your body." She smiled and he pulled her closer again, starting to kiss her neck while his hand wandered under her t-shirt.

——————————-

P: „You found ways to make those bees in your mind disappear by yourself, you're no longer in physical pain and you can see the truths about your traumas. You sleep around 8 hours each night and you eat three meals again. If you feel ready as well, I think it's time."

——————————-

Andy closed the door behind her and made her way to the kitchen where she sat down at the island and looked at Robert who was making lunch.

A: „I'm cleared to go back to work." Robert turned around and had a wide smile on his face as he walked over to his wife.

R: „I'm very proud of you." he said and started kissing her softly.