Trigger warnings: Self Harm and Sexual Abuse
The day came when Aziza was going to see Carla for the first time since she had been admitted to hospital. She was nervous, Peter could tell so he begged Toyah to come around and have a word with her just to put his daughter's mind at rest as well as his. Carla was excited she had tried so hard for the remainder of the week and she finally got to what she had been working for all this time and that was to see Aziza, with her being in this good mood she was able to finally work on getting better and all Peter could think about was how much progress she had actually made over her stay, from when he first started seeing her again to her now seeing Aziza, it really was amazing and proved how strong she was. They travelled to the unit together, he had to go out and buy black clothes especially for this visit as wearing anything other than black was a major trigger for Carla for reasons he really didn't know. He signed them both in and they waited until Dr Wlliams beckoned them both into his office.
"Ok so we're going to see how this all goes, I'll be in there with you both just in case" he smiles, Peter nods slowly taking Aziza's hand as they walk through the corridors and into Carla's room
"Carla?" Peter questions as she sits reading a book on the armchair, she peers over it and smiles at both Peter and Aziza
"Mummy?" Aziza questions walking over to her gingerly, Carla examines her daughter and narrows her eyes glancing to Peter "It's me?"
"I know" Carla smiles at her daughter, Aziza smiles back glancing to Peter in the look of support "You look pretty"
"You too" Aziza grins, Peter smiles slightly at the union, Carla glances around the room before setting eyes on the corner of the room
"Carla?" Peter questions, she returns her attention to Peter "Are you ok?"
"Yeah" she paints on a smile offering a hand out to Aziza who takes her hand and sits on her lap "You're a bit big for this now eh?"
"I still like it" Aziza grins, Peter pulls up a chair so he could sit opposite them both "I love you"
"I love you too" Carla smiles kissing Aziza on the forehead "So what have you been up to then?"
"Schools a bit meh..." Aziza trails off with a grin, Carla rolls her eyes "But I like it I think, sometimes it's hard when people ask me questions about you...Toyah, as well she's been good I like spending time with her, she understands"
"You sound very mature" Carla points out, Aziza nods "But overall you're ok?"
"Yeah" Aziza shrugs "Did you hear that I chose my sister's name!"
"Yeah I did" Carla puts on a brave face, she tilts her head back and closes her eyes "Do you like your sister?"
"We both love you" Aziza beams, Carla winces ever so slightly "Sorry"
"Yeah" Carla smiles before her face falls "That's good, I mean...yeah...not again I thought you left!"
"How about you go with the nurse Zi then we can get you a snack?" Peter suggests, Aziza pouts her lips and slides off her mother's lap and follows the nurse out of the room "Carla?"
"Ugh stop this!" she whimpers pulling her legs up to her chest and rubbing her forehead "Get out of my head...please...stop this, tell them to stop"
"Carla" Dr Williams smiles "Who's speaking to your currently?"
"I don't even know" she cries, Dr Williams nods "Everyone, all of them I can't focus on it"
"What are they telling you to do?" Dr Williams questions letting Peter take Carla's hand in an attempt to ground her a bit more "Carla?"
"Stop it!" she snaps before groaning "Yes I know! Ok! Leave me alone!"
"Carla?" Dr Williams tries again, her eyes flutter open "Who's speaking to you?"
"Please" Carla whimpers knocking her knuckles off her head "Make it stop...I don't understand...yes I get it ok?!"
"Carla, sweetheart" Peter smiles, she turns to face him and smiles "Fight them, you can do it"
"I'm trying!" she exclaims as the tears continue to fall, they watch as she continues to communicate with the voices in her head, her eyes flutter open and she gasps "No, I'm sorry...I am, I'm sorry I won't do it again... I know, I just...ugh!"
"Who is it, love?" Peter questions, she gulps looking into his eyes "You can tell us, come on, we're not going to hurt you"
"I know that" she sighs in exasperation "They're trying to get to Zi, Peter, please don't let them"
"I'm not going to don't worry, she's perfectly safe" he reassures her, she smiles slightly "Who's trying to get to her?"
"Them" she replies vaguely, he gulps shaking his head "That's why I had to leave Peter, before, they were going to get to her, if I went then she would have been safe"
"Who's trying to get to Zi?"
"I went away" she whispers engaging in eye contact with Peter "Before"
"When you went missing?" Peter confirms, she nods tiredly pulling at her hair slightly "What happened when you went missing?"
"I was in this place, I can't, it was almost clinical I don't know, there was...ugh! Stop!"
"What sweetheart? Where were you?" Peter prompts, she continues to try and fight her demons "Carla?"
"What?!" she whimpers before whispering to herself
"Where were you?" Peter smiles squeezing her hand "Is this about Robert?"
"He was there I saw him it was...I don't know there was other people, loads of people they kept asking after me i...I don't know people wanted me to do things and I wouldn't do them because they were telling me in my head that I shouldn't but then they changed and I did them"
"What did you have to do?" he questions gently glancing to Dr Williams who was taking notes
"He bought me a dress" Carla replies blankly, Peter frowns utterly confused at the whole thing "I was...I don't know Peter there were...me me, women, I was there then I did something?"
"What did you do?"
"I don't know!" she shrieks tapping her fingers against the arm of the armchair "What was I doing? What was I doing? Tell me please" she whispers rapidly to herself
"Were you safe?"
"It was a safe place, there were people staying there" she responds, before closing her eyes "People, lots of people and...I don't know there were people walking around"
"What sort of people?"
"I don't know maybe...people who were staying there? Possibly...I had this dress"
"I think you're getting confused sweetheart because when Robert found you you were in your hoody, you weren't in a dress"
"No, I was" she replies with a definite nod of the head "It was black"
"Black?" Peter frowns, she nods slowly before pulling a confused expression "What happened when you were there?"
"Peter I would stop now otherwise she's going to be exhausted" Dr Williams warns him, he shakes his head needing to know what happened to her when she went away
"They made me get dressed" she states, he pulls a face and frowns "There was a room, I stayed in it, they kept bringing me newspapers"
"The hotel" Peter whispers in disbelief "Did anyone stay with you in the room?"
"There were loads of people" she states, he sighs not knowing if they were visions or actual people
"Did they do anything to you?" Peter asks rubbing his thumb over her knuckles, she hums slightly and rests her forehead on her knees tapping jolting her legs up and down, she refuses to answer...
1st May 2019
I glance to the clock on the wall, the perpetual spinning of the seconds hand doing my head in, the constant whir like the voices in my head who were my own worst enemy. Peter should have listened to them talking about how I wasn't well then maybe I wouldn't be in this situation, either way Aziza was safe now
Tick
Tock
They always spoke to me, I hated them so much, I roll my sleeves up and I notice the slashes on my arm which were most likely down to my own doing. If I had listened to the people that mattered, if I tried to stop being so perfect and trying to keep everything afloat then maybe I wouldn't be here right now
Tick
Tock
It was almost time to show them what I was really made of, after all, they wanted me to do this. There was the kindest soul helping me, well he was kind in some ways others not so much but that didn't matter whatever he said I had to do I would do because all of them wanted me to do that, it was what I deserved. He came up to my room and he passed me a black dress, my size, I had no clue how he knew just from looking at me but either way, I put it on, he told me to dress up and he said I looked beautiful, it didn't make me feel warm inside, it made me feel sick and disgusting, I was the most evilest person in the world.
Tick
Tock
I glance to the time again and sigh slightly, it would soon be over, soon enough so much that I could clean myself, not that I would want to do that as I was dirty enough already without needing this done to me. Entertaining clients was something I was born to do, it was in my blood but these weren't the clients I wanted to entertain, the people in my head were telling me to do it so I did. If I didn't do it then they could hurt Aziza, I couldn't have that.
Tick
Tock
It was over now, I was lying on my back on the bed as I stared at the ceiling, making out some make-believe world which my mind was picturing for me. The sheets were ruffled around me, no doubt they would need changing and he would no doubt send someone up to do that tomorrow, no that I cared, I deserved it because now I was dirty, now I would forever be tainted and that was ok, that's what I deserved after all.
"I'm sorry" Carla looks up at Peter who was trying to keep his emotions intact, anger, upset and utter disgust "I didn't...I didn't know what I was doing and...the voices they stopped in the midst of sex"
"I know you didn't" Peter whispers in utter disbelief "Look I need to go"
"Don't do anything stupid" Carla states, Peter shakes his head and leaves the room "Please Peter!"
"It'll be ok" Dr Williams reassures her, she just shrugs "Why don't you do some writing yeah? Then maybe we can have a group session with a therapist about your thoughts, Peter as well"
"Ok" she hums slightly grabbing her note pad, Dr Williams watches as she writes, he steps out the room and into his office where Peter was sitting with his head in his hands
"I just didn't expect her to come out with that" Peter lets out a shaky breath, Dr Williams nods sitting down at his desk "I just...I cant believe people took advantage of her, she was mentally ill, out of her mind and they...and she was part of some almost sex ring-like thing which...it's disgusting to think about"
"I know it is" Dr Williams sighs offering him a tissue "I don't think she entirely realises that it was not consensual because she consented but in a manner which meant that it was rape"
"Yeah it's just hard because I know as soon as I mention it was rape her defences would heighten and she would get annoyed with me and then she would say that she consented as you said I know this is a process but its too much...when she's been through that what else has she been through?"
"Its daunting isn't it?"
"Yeah you're telling me, it scares me because...anything else could have happened to her, she could have died out there and I am so grateful that she's alive"
"We're going to keep her safe" Dr Williams reassures him, Peter nods slowly "What do you want to do now?"
"I just want to go home with Aziza, to be honest with you, I might ring Michelle to see if she can come and drive us back"
"You can stay as long as you need in here ok?"
"Thanks" Peter sighs rubbing his forehead wondering where he would go from here, he gets his phone out to ring Michelle who offers to come and pick him and Aziza up, he just hoped now this was out in the open Carla's progress wouldn't halt...
He refused to tell Michelle at first, he was still trying to process the information. They got home and Michelle made Aziza some lunch then told her to get dressed into her school uniform so she could drop her off at school for the rest of the day which she wasn't keen on. Michelle left Peter to with his emotions for a bit whilst she took Aziza to school, she also went to check on Azalea who was with Johnny just to make sure she was ok before going back home. She entered the house to Peter staring at a bottle of whiskey, Michelle sighs in response and sits down next to him.
"Don't do this Peter" Michelle sighs, he just shakes his head pouring the golden liquid out into a glass "Don't do this to Carla, come on"
"She told me about what happened to her when she went away, went missing" Peter mumbles, Michelle nods slowly biting her lip "It was awful 'Chelle, at least I know why she wants us to wear black, to ground herself in that experience and to stop the voices talking to her when we're there"
"Oh, Peter...what happened then?" Michelle questions placing her hand on his arm, he shrugs it off
"She was...she was staying in that hotel, you know the one Robert was at...anyway she was there for some time, she was forced, well not forced she wanted it but she dressed up in this black dress, this man offered it to her for a place to stay, I guess she was desperate for somewhere warm and safe, it was for a price, of course, sleeping with his clients-"
"Oh god," Michelle grimaces closing her eyes "Did she?"
"Yeah she did, multiple men, one by one, it's just disgusting thinking about it" Peter states sniffing the golden liquid "I shouldn't" he states putting the lid back on the bottle "It's just so hard because she had somewhere safe here but because her mind thought that we were all the enemy she didn't choose that Michelle, she wouldn't have been raped if she had just, I don't know"
"How does she feel about it?"
"I don't know, I left the room, I knew I would just hound her about it being rape and then we would have argued" Peter sighs "I just need time to process it, Dr Williams going to tell her about that it's just...difficult seeing her so vulnerable now knowing she was like that when those men did that to her"
"So what now?"
"I don't know, I want to support her, I really do but I just get so angry" he states "Especially at the fact she was taken advantage of"
"She doesn't remember it though? All of it?"
"I don't know, she told me and then she apologised straight after I said that she didn't need to but then I made my escape I don't really know anything"
"Why don't you just relax and have a think about things, we can both have a think about things, I could get Johnny and Jenny to have Aziza tonight if you want?"
"No it's ok, I want her here as well as Azalea" Peter confirms, Michelle nods "She was ok with Aziza though, until she started hearing voices, I got one of the nurses to take Zi out of the room so she didn't get scared"
"That was probably for the best" Michelle smiles, Peter just groans "Go on why don't you just have a nap before I go and collect the kids yeah?"
"Alright" Peter sighs standing up and taking the bottle, he places it back in the cupboard "Thanks Michelle, for everything"
"No problem" she smiles watching him pad up the stairs, she leans on the kitchen counter and sighs just hoping that Peter could stay on the task of helping Carla to get better again