Winter 2012

It was official. Max was a terrible person. His date with Autumn hasn't been bad, but it hadn't been life changing either. They talked, drank some lattes and she asked for his number. Not seeing what the big deal was he gave it to her and went on with life not really thinking about it. When she'd texted him a few days later to hang out again, he'd agreed. What would be wrong with some company anyway, especially with Zoey ignoring him all the time. But then hanging out at school led to hanging out at home and before he knew it he had a girlfriend. Max hadn't quite realized the extent of the situation until he was way too deep in it for an easy retreat.

Fall turned to winter and nothing changed. It wasn't like he had anything against Autam's company. It was just that she wasn't Zoey. The problem was that the longer this went on the more he worried he'd hurt her. But what was kinder? Breaking her heart now that he'd realized he had hold of it or continuing to string her along?

"Hence my original conclusion," Max said as he finished explaining his story to the guys one Saturday afternoon in January. "I'm a horrible person."

"Yeah you are," Tobin agreed. "But not for the reason you think. You're terrible for not giving up his Zoey girl and keeping the totally hot chick who actually likes you."

"I know," Max groaned. "I just can't."

"And she's still with that boyfriend of hers, huh?" Leif asked. Max nodded.

"You, my friend, are doomed," Tobin said cheerfully, patting Max on the shoulder.

"Oh thanks," Max said rolling his eyes. "Big help!" Tobin just shrugged.

"What I can't figure out is what's so great about this Zoey person anyway?" Leif asked. "I mean why her?"

"No idea," Max sighed. "It's just always been her."

"When you say always," Leif continued curiously. "How far back are we talking?"

"As long as I can remember," Max replied. "Our parents said we met in preschool."

"Wow," Leif said, stunned. "I thought you'd met her in high school or first year uni or something."

"Nope," Max said.

"I take it back," Tobin said with a grin. "You aren't just doomed. You are royally and completely screwed."

Max rolled his eyes. "That isn't better."

"No it's worse," Tobin explained.

"I have to break up with her, don't I?" Max groaned.

"If you don't return her feelings, yeah you do," Leif agreed. "Otherwise you're terrible person status will get worse."

"I still say forget about the red head," Tobin offered. "It's the easy choice."

"It's not a choice though," Max countered. "Cause trust me I've tried."

"On that sorry note I have to go to class," Leif said standing up. "Good luck man."

"Thanks," Max sighed. "I'll need it." Tobin stood too. Max had long ago accepted that those two went everywhere together.

Max remembered when Zoey had found out about Autumn. He sometimes wondered if her happy expression had been why he'd let himself get into his mess in the first place. The situation wasn't fair to anyone and he had to end it, now before he lost his nerve.

Getting out his phone, Max texted her to see where she was. Following her suggestion he headed off to meet up with her after her class got out.

"It's gonna suck and you're gonna feel like the worst human ever but after that everything will be better," Max tried to give himself a pep talk and he walked down the hall of the Univercity. "So much better."

He quite enjoyed Autumn company. She was a kind and generally lovely woman and he really would miss her. The problem was that he would miss her for all the wrong reasons. It had become more and more obvious to him over the last few weeks why exactly he needed her and why he'd let himself get into this situation. He was using her as his emotional crutch and she deserved more than that.

Despite his resolve the moment she walked out of that classroom, Max hadn't a clue what to say.

"Hey," Autumn said. Her long blonde hair with dark roots was down today, framing her round smiling face. Wouldn't it be easier to just do this later? He didn't want to ruin her day.

Max shook his head hard, covering his face with her hands. Oh so it was better to ruin her life than her day huh you coward, Max chastised himself.

"Can we talk for a sec?" Max asked looking up.

"Sure," Autumn replied and then followed as he walked a little ways away from the class door until they were alone.

"What's up?" she asked.

"Well I-" Max began, but who was he kidding. He hadn't a clue how to say this even remotely nicely. He couldn't exactly tell her'd been using her as his own emotional band aid all this time, now could he?

"See we-" Max tried again.

"You're an idiot, you know that?" Autumn snapped suddenly. Her soft demeanor disappearing, replaced with a cool resolve.

"Yeah you're probably right about that," Max replied awkwardly.

"You want to break up?" she asked. All Max did was nod. He was so pathetic.

"I know I've been the one moving us forward from the start," she continued. "I always knew you needed nugging but I just thought you were shy. Even if I always had to ask you to hang out, even if you never initiated anything I thought well that isn't so bad, right? I mean he could still be worth a shot." She paused looking daggers at him. "Guess I was wrong."

"I'm sorry," Max said.

"Everyone said we were so great together," Autumn continued. "I thought we had a future you know."

Max didn't know what to say. He feared she'd been thinking like this.

"You deserve someone who thinks only of you," Max tried to console her. "Someone who puts you first."

"Ah so that's the problem," she sighed, looking down at her shoes. "I'm second in your eyes, am I?"

"Um," Max stammered. He hadn't thought before he'd spoken. How had she read between the lines so accurately.

"Well then I hope she knows what she's getting into," Autumn said, still to her shoes. But then her head shot up and she looked at him with daggers and tears in her eyes. "You give love a bad name," she snapped at him, before sharply turning and walking away at a brisk pace.

Max felt like an even more horrible person now that he had this morning but at least it was over. Slowly, he dragged his feet and walked. He'd gone down the hallway before he realized he wasn't sure where he was going. Did he have more classes today? If he did, did he even care? Yep still cared, though he had to check his calendar to confirm hanging out with Lief and Tobin had been the end of his plans for the day.

Max made his way home, in a sulk. The guilt of the whole situation wouldn't let him be free. Oh why had he let it get this bad? Stupid, stupid, stupid!

When he got home Max plopped himself face down on his bed, allowing himself to feel every ounce of guilt he was due. His parents must have known something was wrong as they came in to check on him about an hour later, but all he had to do was tell them he broke up with Autumn and they were satisfied.

Max gave himself the day to feel like a horrible person, but come tomorrow he got up and got back to his life. He had plans to see Zoey this weekend and Max couldn't believe how much he was looking forward to seeing her. Tobin and Leif were great, but they were no substitute for his best friend in the whole world.

To Max's great surprise when he walked over to see Zoey Saturday morning, Maggie opened the door looking quite distraught.

"What's wrong?" Max asked.

"Zoey got home late last night and she'd been crying ever since," Maggie explained. "She won't tell me what happened. Maybe you can get through to her Max."

"I'll try," Max said, as he headed up to Zoey's room. Max knocked on her door. "It's me," he said. "Can I come in?" There was a muffled affirmative from inside and Max opened the door. What he saw was Zoey laying on her bed, clearly in tears.

And there it was again. The reason why no other woman could ever hold a candle to her: the overwhelming feelings seeing her like this created in him. All he wanted in the whole world in that moment was to make her smile. Moving quickly to sit on the bed beside her, Max put an arm around her. Zoey responded by throwing herself into his arms and sobbing into his shoulder.

"Shh it's okay," Max tried to sooth her. "I'm here."

She held onto him for a long time, never telling him what was wrong, but never coming close to letting him go either. When her tears finally dried up she looked at him. How could it be that even crying like this she was still so beautiful?

"Thanks," Zoey sniffled. "I really needed you there."

"What happened?" Max asked. The whole time she'd been crying his mind had been racing, trying to guess why. It was becoming unbearable to see her and not know enough to help.

"Simon broke up with me," Zoey finally said.

Max's stunned brain took a moment to comprehend his reaction to this. On the one hand he was happy, blissfully happy, but on the other his happiness wasn't worth her sorrow.

As his only form of reply, Max wrapped his arms around her and hugged her close. "You'll always have me," he said.

"And I'll always need you," Zoey whispered back.

And suddenly Max was full of a strange desire to tell Zoey for real how he'd felt about her their whole lives. For the first time in what felt like forever they were both single at the same time. If he waited like he did before this vicious cycle could start all over again.

"I know now might not be the best time," Max began. "But after so long hoping to get another chance at this I just feel I need to tell you now rather than run the risk of waiting too long again."

"He said the only thing we had in common was grief," Zoey exclaimed. "He said we were only together because our dads were dead." She definitely wasn't listening to him and maybe that was for the best. Now was not the time, despite his totally failing to pick a good time before.

"That wasn't a very nice thing to say," Max consoled her.

"Yeah but what if he was right," Zoey continued. "What if that really was the only reason we were together? What if after dad died I went a little crazy and looked for a distraction until I found Simon?"

"You knew Simon before your dad's heart attack," Simon reminded her.

"Yeah but I didn't really see him till after," Zoey sniffed. "I'll never find love if I can't care about people in any way except what they can do for me."

"Shh shh Zoey," Max cooed. "That just isn't true at all. You've already found love."

"I have?" Zoey asked, clearly confused.

"I love you," he said.

"Yeah I suppose that's right," Zoey said, looking a little happier. "I love you too. My best friend, my mom and my brother and even Emily. If I can have that kind of love, then maybe I can have romantic love one day too."

"Yeah," Max replied, trying to hold back a sigh.

"What's the matter?" Zoey asked him.

Max didn't know how to put it into words. Instead he gently held her face in his own and looked deep into her eyes. He didn't know how to convey the complex web of emotion inside his heart.

He moved just a little bit closer as if meaning to kiss her, just to see how she would react. Her slight intake of breath causes his stomach to do strang backflips. He pulled away, so as not to alarm her. Her body language very clearly indicated that she didn't want to kiss him.

"What are you doing?" Zoey asked.

"I just want you to know," Max said. "There's more love here for me than just friendship."

"For how long?" Zoey asked.

"A long time," Max replied.

"Anyway at least now you know," Max continued. He got up off the bed and turned to leave, scared to stay and feel the pain of real rejection. Just her obvious reluctance to kiss him after his confession was stinging more than he'd thought it would. His timing, as ever, was terrible.

"Max wait where are you going?" Zoey asked, sitting up more on the bed.

He didn't want to respond, but despite deciding not to turn and face her he did just that.

"Are you okay?" Zoey asked him.

"I'm not sure," he replied honestly. After all what did it matter if she didn't feel the same. At least this time he hadn't chickened out.

She got off the bed and moved a little closer. Max wasn't quite sure what she was after until suddenly she was hugging him. It wasn't like they'd never hugged before, it was just now with Max feeling so raw and vulnerable he wasn't sure he could take it. Max pulled out of the hug.

"If you're feeling better," Max said, trying to keep smiling though he sensed he wasn't succeeding. "I'm gonna go."

"Just promise me that when you get over this crush we'll still be friends," Zoey said. He could tell she meant it kindly, but the word 'crush' suddenly had him seething.

"Reject me all you want but please don't belittle me by calling the love I've felt for you my entire life a 'crush'," Max almost yelled. "I've never looked anywhere else Zoey. Never seen anyone else." His anger had all but melted away as he added, "It's just you. It's always been you."

"What about Autumn?" Zoey asked, shocked.

"I only went out with her to make you happy," Max explained. "And besides we broke up a week ago."

"Oh I'm sorry," Zoey said. "Why didn't you tell me? I bet that's what's really upsetting you."

"No don't you get it," Max said softly. He hadn't any energy left to be angry. He was spent, but speaking. "This hurts more. You just now rejecting me is worse than a thousand Autumn break ups."

Unable to bear even a moment more, Max turned from her. Hoping against all hope that she wouldn't call out to him again because he knew if she did, like the fool he was, Max would follow her.

What do you think? Anyone else want to shake some sense into silly Zoey? Though to be fair Max has the worse timing on the planet lol.

Sneak Peek Chapter 11

With Simon out of the picture, Max at least was saved from listening to Zoey talk about him. The worst of the pain subsided after a month or so and Max felt able to spend time with his best friend again who he had missed terribly. What had really helped him get over it was realizing that he needed her in his life, no matter the form of their relationship he wanted to be by her side till the end of his days. If friends was all she wanted than friends she would get. Max just couldn't imagine his world without her in it.