Worst Plan Ever

2003 verse

Raphael and Mikey were covered in paint when Splinter entered the living room, followed by Donatello.

"Time for training," the ninja master said.

Raphael left with regret his epic fight with Mikey to jump in front of his father.

"I could use a shower," he said matter-of-factly.

Splinter watched him with some amusement. "We could postpone our training session for that." He pointed at the floor stained with paint. "You will clean up, of course."

Raphael grinned sheepishly. "Of course, Master Splinter."

Above him, Mikey had resumed his fresco as if nothing unusual had happened. Donatello, for his part, was inspecting the room with an impressed smile.

"I might have to invent something to clean the couch from that paint."

Raphael shrugged. "It's okay, Don, don't worry."

"It's no problem. It'll be an interesting challenge." Donatello's smile grew wider. "Unless you like it better that way. Modern art, I guess we could say?"

Raphael nudged his brother, making sure to leave paint on his plastron. "Nah, do it your way. I don't want to take your fun away from you."

Splinter cleared his throat and Raphael hurried to leave for the bathroom before his father could change his mind about postponing training.

He had to admit, this had been fun. But now it was time to get back to business.

As he removed the paint from his body - a surprisingly difficult task - Raphael wondered whether Leo or Mikey would participate in their training session.

Mikey would probably not. Between two paint jets, he had told Raphael that he would like to complete his piece of art before leaving.

But maybe Leo would? Oh, how Raphael would have loved to sweep the floor with him. However, for some reason the blue-masked turtle always declined Splinter's generous invitation to train with them.

Raphael wondered where Leo was. He hadn't seen him all night.

He's probably taking a nap instead of trying to solve our problem, Raphael thought irritably.

There was nothing else to expect from this strange Leo.

Leo hesitated when he arrived in front of the Purple Dragon's lair. His inner alarm was screaming at him that it was a very bad idea to challenge the mighty Purple Dragon leader without backup.

Leo purposefully muffled it. He had a sword to get back, after all.

Surely your sword wouldn't demand something that stupid from you, would it?

Leo muffled harder.

I know you want to accomplish that exploit, but staying alive sounds nice too.

Leo focused hard. He pictured his three brothers in awe of his bravery, calling him their Champion, and how did they not see how great he was before?

The voice shut up.

Leo breathed a sigh of relief. Now where was he? Ah yes, the villains' lair.

Just when Leo was wondering how he could make sure that Hun was home, the bulky man left the building, followed by a group of Purple Dragons. Half of them carried heavy crates that they put in the back of trucks while the other half scattered to keep watch.

Leo saw Hun enter one of the trucks and speed away. He was going to lose his prey!

He sneaked closer to one of the Purple Dragons keeping watch - a big, bulky woman whose outfit might fit him - and knocked her out with one precise move of his clenched fist. Raph-style.

Some people said not to fight against women, but Leo had April as a friend and he knew better.

He caught her before she hit the ground. No need to get noticed so soon. He quickly stole her clothes and her mask - a hockey mask that would hide his features.

He had been right, her outfit fit him almost perfectly, shell and all.

It only left his sword.

Leo hurried to join the last truck of Purple Dragons before it followed the others trucks - including Hun's - and wedged his sword under it while nobody was looking. Then he climbed inside the truck with the others as if he had been born in that gang. Be it thanks to the night or his clever disguise, or both, none of the humans seemed to notice anything was amiss.

Leo grinned. Take that, inner voice.

Everything was going like clockwork.

Mikey kept a curious eye on the training session unfolding below. He couldn't remember last time he had trained that seriously with his brothers.

But then, his father wasn't too keen on training. He said life was too short not to be spent watching TV - unless it was Leo? Mikey couldn't remember.

Speaking of Leo, where was he? He had seemed a little down to Mikey lately. He should have joined Raphael and Mikey in their bodypainting fight. It would have done him a world of good.

Mikey smiled. Maybe Raphael would be up for round two later on? And this time, Mikey would make sure to invite his brother.

Leo's truck stopped and the turtle followed the Purple Dragons outside. They were at the docks, parked in front of a black ship without any distinctive sign.

The Purple Dragons began carrying the crates from the trucks to the ship, and Leo took one to keep his cover.

It was heavy. Leo discreetly checked that nobody was watching and opened it, intending to remove some of its content. Nobody would care, right? Or at least, nobody would care until Leo was far, far away.

Leo's grin vanished when he realized what was in the crate.

Weapons.

Did every crate have the same contents? If so, hundreds of weapons were loaded into that ship. Leo could only guess what evil purposes they would serve.

"Hey, you! What are you doing?"

Leo lifted his head up. One of the Purple Dragons was watching him with suspicion.

"Nothing," he hurried to say.

But the man wasn't fooled, and came closer to him. Leo gave up his crate and retreated towards the truck in order to retrieve his sword, still wedged under it.

"I don't recognize you. Password?"

"Uh… Pizza?" Leo tried.

The man frowned. Obviously it wasn't the right password.

"No, wait. Pepperoni? Four-cheese?"

Leo spotted Hun's shape in the distance and walked faster.

"Gorgonzola? Red onions? Pineapple?"

The Purple Dragon snatched Leo's mask and shouted. "Dragons! We have an intruder!"

Hun and several other dragons ran to him.

"Okay, pineapple toppings aren't for everyone," Leo conceded.

He grabbed his sword just in time to point it at the incoming giant.

"Mighty Hun!" he yelled. "Stop the loading this instant, and surrender to me!"

His sword was going to regret it wasn't participating in such a fight.

Rise verse

Raph was eating sandwich after sandwich. Maybe if he buried the concern hiding in the pit of his stomach under pounds of bread and pastrami it would stop making him sick.

What was Leo doing? Why didn't he and Mikey come home?

Donnie had said that maybe they couldn't. Were they in danger? How dare they be in danger without Raph to help them?

No. He couldn't think that way. His brothers, his sweet, delicate brothers, must have their reasons.

"Keep a cool head, Raph," he muttered to himself. "Your brothers need you to remain calm."

"That's something I wish my own Raph would say more often."

Raph started. All of a sudden Michelangelo stood under the kitchen door frame.

Raph nervously curled up around his food. "It's just that I don't know what to do," he said in a small voice. "They've never been so far away from me."

Michelangelo came closer and put a comforting arm around Raph's neck, standing on his toes to do so. "I'm sure they're doing fine," he said brightly. "My brothers won't let anything bad happen to them. Turtles take care of each other, right?"

Raph sniffed and offered him a big toothy grin.

It was good to think Leo and Mikey weren't alone in a cold, dark, foreign world.

2003 verse

Leo grimaced. He was so not doing fine.

He nonetheless stood tall on the ship, proudly bound to an air vent. Appearances had to be kept up.

Hun had captured him way too easily, but how was Leo supposed to know that the Purple Dragons' leader would refuse his challenge and just use his gun? Leo's sword had deflected the bullet, but said sword had been lost to him in the process.

And hitting Hun with his bare hands was like hitting a rock. No, harder.

This had been the worst plan ever. And he couldn't even warn the others.

Not that he really wanted to get them involved - Raphael especially would never leave it down - but there was this mountain of a man in front of him, giving him a honeyed smile, and Leo kind of hoped they would notice his absence soon.

Like, real soon.

"So where are you from?" Hun said nonchalantly. "I didn't get to ask you last time."

Raphael was relaxing in the couch after their training session. It wasn't the same without Leonardo and Michelangelo, but it still felt good to exercise.

Dawn would soon be there, and with it, their time to go to sleep.

"Raph?" Mikey's voice asked.

Raphael lazily opened his eyes. "Yes?"

Mikey seemed both worried and determined, an expression Raphael saw for the first time on his face.

"I can't find Leo," Mikey said.

"And how is that my problem?" Raphael grumbled, albeit not as harshly as he would have a few hours before. He was definitely warming up to this turtle.

Mikey grabbed his arm and shook it. "I've lost my brother! You must help me!"

Raphael sneaked his arm back. "No need to shout!"

"But I've looked everywhere and he's not there!" Now Mikey's eyes were filling with tears. "He left without me!"

Raphael cleared his throat, embarrassed. "I'm sure he'll come back," he said as soothingly as he could.

"But what if he needs help?" Mikey insisted.

Donatello, who had been sitting at his desk and relaxing with something work-related, stood up to join them.

"Do you know where he could have gone?"

Mikey looked at the purple-masked turtle with the same pleading eyes.

"No," he said miserably.

"Hmm." Donatello paused. "I could track his phone if you let me borrow yours."

Mikey handed him his phone and Donatello connected it to his laptop.

A few seconds later, he frowned. "He's at the docks."

"What is he doing at the docks?" Raphael asked, genuinely surprised.

"I don't know, but maybe we should check up on him." Donatello grabbed his bō staff. "Let's take the Battle Shell and hurry. The sun rises in less than one hour."

Raphael muttered something indistinct.

What had Leo gotten himself into?

"And there is this Hidden City under New York. It's the home of yokai. They're not mutants like us, but they're cool too. Did I tell you about Señor Hueso? He's a yokai and he adores me. I'm his favorite customer ever! Of course I'm handsome and clever and fun, and it helps. Oh, and did I tell you about the time I defeated the Minotaur from the Maze? She was begging me to let her go."

Leo had been talking non-stop for the past twenty minutes, and Hun seemed rather baffled.

The other Purple Dragons had stopped loading the crates to listen to him, too.

Good. As long as he could distract them with his mad talking skills, they wouldn't think about hitting him.

He would rather avoid blows. His delicate skin didn't like bruises.

"Everybody loves me so much," he went on. "I'm sure once you get to know me, you will too."

"I doubt that." Hun shook his head. "You're one of a kind. I'll almost regret killing you."

Beads of sweat started forming on Leo's temples. "No need to be so extreme," he protested. "Now have I told you about the time I…"

Hun showed a piece of cloth into Leo's mouth.

Leo grimaced. The taste was terrible. It was completely unhygienic, too.

"Finish the loading," Hun shouted to the other Purple Dragons. "Our silent partner won't accept another delay." He turned to Leo. "As for you…"

Three shapes jumped on the ship at that precise moment.

Leo regretted his temporary inability to talk. He would have loved smart-talking the villains during the upcoming fight.

Donatello watched the ship burn from the safety of the Battle Shell. He was impressed by the lack of careful thinking Leo's plan had been born of. Leo was lucky they had found him in time.

"Are you okay, Leo?" Mikey kept asking while his brother lay in the back of the van like an exhausted diva.

"I will be, Mikael," Leo said with a voice from beyond the grave. "I'm still happy I contributed to the defeat of these evil Purple Dragons. My life won't have been spent in vain."

Mikey pressed Leo's hand with strength while Raphael shook his head. Donatello decided it was time to go home and took the driver's seat.

"You didn't defeat them, we did," Raphael pointed out.

Leo jumped on his feet and dusted his shell. "Only because you took forever to untie me."

"In case you didn't notice, they were heavily armed."

"And now all these weapons will never be used again." Leo pointed at the fire.

It was becoming smaller and smaller as Donatello drove away from the docks.

"We're heroes!" Leo added with a grin. "All thanks to my great plan."

Raphael almost choked. "They captured you! Hun was about to kill you!"

"Please." Leo waved his hand dismissively. "I was only pretending to be defenseless to divert their attention."

"Don, please hurry to bring us home before I strangle him," Raphael said through gritted teeth.

"No strangulation," Mikey said firmly in his Doctor Feelings voice. He hugged his brother. "We're all happy you're alright, Leo."

Leo turned his back on Raphael. "Thank you, Mikey. It's good to feel appreciated by someone."

Raphael ignored him.

Leo's grin never wavered as he hugged Mikey, efficiently hiding his sadness.

He would never acknowledge it aloud, but Raphael wasn't wrong. Usually Leo was the one thinking things through. And now, to please his sword, he had let even that elude him.

He would do better next time.