I was in the middle of writing a really happy Towen fic and I just couldn't finish that after last night's episode. lol i'll get back to it.

But here are my thoughts about the midseason finale: 1) I think Teddy needed to tell Owen about Allison, but I don't think Teddy owed Owen that information. And I personally don't think their child was name after a lie because Allison is still an important part of Teddy's life. They were best friends who were in love and she lost Allison in one of the greatest tragedy in this country. I personally am in a relationship with my best friend. And we were best friends and roommates for a few years but now we're together. But she is first and foremost my best friend and if I ever lose her the way Teddy lost Allison and I end up having a baby with someone else, I wouldn't hesitate naming my child after her. - that's just my two cents in this situation

2) teddy my sweet baby angel. I'm so happy she told him that because that's her dealing with her issues. but i also think Owen had every right to react that way because he's so caught off guard. I get that. I just wish at least one person would hug teddy lol. Or like at least one person check in on her (webber, give her a hug damnit).. because it physically hurts me to watch her have a breakdown and have no one.

this is me trying - Taylor Swift

Teddy stares at her zoom screen. Waiting. She's always so painfully early. Today was rough. Today she couldn't control anything. Today she could not reign in her thoughts, her emotions. She rarely unleashes on people who didn't deserve it. She doesn't lash out. She doesn't make a scene. She's quiet usually. But today she just felt hopeless.

Then today she tried. Today Owen finally wanted to talk and she took a deep breath and she tried. And she told the whole truth because she wanted to prove to him that he deserved the whole truth and that she loves him and that she didn't want to keep secrets anymore. Then that didn't work out either. Now, if anything, she's pushed him further away. Further than he's ever been.

And now Meredith Grey is on a ventilator. And Teddy feels even more hopeless.

So now she's sitting in an on call room staring at her computer screen waiting.

The other person pops up and she gives polite smile.

"You're early…."

"Naturally" Teddy answers dryly.

The truth is Teddy has been seeing a therapist. Virtually, of course, because of the pandemic. She's thinks now she doesn't have an excuse not to go to therapy because she literally can do it anywhere. But truthfully she's faked a page here and there during her sessions, or she's completely cancelled because she's too busy. But the thing about faking pages and cancelling is it's not really helping her much. She knows this. And the thing about I being virtual is it's so easy for her to just be more reserved and not really say anything, which is not helpful at all and just defeats the purpose.

Today, shockingly, she's feels like she needs it. She actually allotted an hour and hid in an on-call room.

"So" Her therapists starts "How is today?"

"Today is incredibly shitty." She says "I… I am having a professional and personal shit day."

"Owen?"

"Owen. Meredith. The pandemic. …. Allison…. My Allison.. not our daughter."

"How are you feeling?"

"About this? Overwhelmed. Very overwhelmed. I feel like I'm drowning."

"Okay. Want to elaborate more on that?''
Teddy sighs. It's hard for her to articulate how she feels because it's mostly just loud screaming sounds. So she bites her lips and thinks.

"Let's start with Meredith" The therapist offers, helping her.

"No let's start with Owen and Allison" Teddy says. Ripping the bandaid. The feelings she's having about Meredith can…wait.

"Okay. Let's start with Owen and Allison. Together? That's related?"

"I told Owen that Allison and I were in love. It did not go well. Now he's even more mad at me that I lied about Allison. And now he's upset because our baby's name is Allison."

"Why do you think you lied to Owen about Allison?"

That's a big question. She doesn't know why.

"I don't know. I guess I didn't think I was lying at first. I mean, Allison was my best friend. I was never her girlfriend… technically… so we were just best friends….having an affair, I guess." She says quietly. "I just didn't know how to bring that up to Owen in the years I've known him. Maybe it was shame. Shame because I've just always been someone's side chick. Not that I was that to Allison, I mean sure I kinda was. I was much more to Allison than that. But shame that we were lying to our best friend. It was just complicated. But everything I told Owen about Allison was the truth. She was my best friend. She was my favorite person. She still is, kind of. And I do miss her all the time. And today I felt that maybe it's time to tell Owen the truth, well, everything. And naturally he didn't take it very well. He barely wants to speak to me as it is, and now… it's just… I think it's over. I think he's done"

"I don't think so." Her therapist offers "I think it's a lot for him to process. This came out of nowhere for him. It's big information that you brought out casually. Here he is wanting to speak to you to heal and rebuild and you gave him something he did not see coming. I don't think he's done with you, but I think he will come around. I think he will process it in his own way"

"He says it turns out he doesn't know me at all. Which I think is so unfair and untrue…. Or .. maybe it is true. I don't know. I'm confused"

"Why do you think it's unfair?"

"Because that information doesn't define me and who I am. It doesn't define my relationship or my friendship with Owen. When I met Owen I was grieving and I was lost and broken and he helped me heal. He knew I had just lost the most important person in my life and he helped me. That was me. That was the real me and everything about me. I didn't lie about that. It hurts. It really hurt when he said he didn't know me." Her therapist doesn't say anything at first. And she feels her tears burning her eyelids. She's so emotionally exhausted. "Anyways I just think it's unfair. And overwhelming. And I just feel so much worse than what I felt when I lost Allison."

"That bad?"

"That bad. Because losing Allison had nothing to do with me. I didn't hurt her. I didn't make her sad. But the guilt? The guilt of making Owen sad and humiliating him like that. I feel it very heavily. And I hurt him. So much. And I guess he deserve so much better."

"Does he?"

"He does. He's gone through enough pain and hurt. I didn't need to add to that."

"Don't you think that you needed to tell him the truth as a part of your own healing?"

"Yes. Which is why I told him. I wanted to be completely transparent. I think I had to tell him because he needed to know everything about me. Every little thing about me."

"That's a big step. I think he'll absorb the information and he will come around."

"I don't know. He probably won't. And that's… I won't blame him if he doesn't."

Teddy sighs heavily. It's not that she needed a pity party for herself. And this is probably a lot for this poor therapist to absorb right now. In the midst of a global pandemic she's venting about her love life. But at the same time she wants to learn to not feel guilty about asking for help.

"What should I do?" She asks. She rarely asks questions. She usually just gives it up.

"Give him space. And time. I know that's not what you want to hear. You can keep persisting, but Teddy you know him more than anyone, you know he has to come around on his own. You know he needs to process this on his own too."

"And if we're too far gone?"

"Then maybe you both deserve better."

Teddy smirks. "Nothing matters anyway. I'm so tired of feeling terrible."

"That's not true. You know it. You're working on yourself. You have to do that first before you can clean up the mess you made."

Teddy just nods because she doesn't know what to say out loud. She knows what's in her head. She hears her demons loud and clear. But she doesn't know how to talk about it.

"What are you thinking" Her therapists interrupts her inner monologue.

"I—" She sighs "I had to put Meredith Grey on a ventilator today. I've been working tirelessly to save people's lives. I put people on ventilators all the time. But today… it hurt, it really hurt putting Meredith Grey on a ventilator."

Her therapist just stares at her through the screen, urging her to continue.

"It's scary because no one knows how to fix this. There's no cure. There's…. We are the first ones having to deal with this. And Meredith Grey is… Meredith Grey. And I can't do anything. I can't cure her. I can't fix her. And there's a bit of hope when she woke up… but now.. she's on a ventilator."

She feels herself getting mad and getting upset and she just takes a deep breath.

"Do you want to know what I'm really thinking about?"

"That's why I'm here, Teddy."

"I can't stop thinking about it. I just… I wish.. I could just trade places with her. I know that sounds horrible. But.. She has three kids. They're young. They already lost a parent. They can't lose her. And she has her sisters. She has her family. She has Webber and Bailey. And residents who sit by her bedside all night. People who care. People who will be truly hurt. I didn't mean trade places and be beloved like that I just feel like she deserves to be awake and saving lives and I could just be in a coma for her. If I go, if I die today, my kids will be too young to remember. They've honestly probably forgotten me by now. They'll have Owen. They're probably better off anyway…—"

"Should I be more concerned about you right now?" Her therapist interrupts her erratic train of thought.

"I just… I'm not going to do anything, don't worry. I just think it's unfair. Meredith doesn't have to go through this."

"No one does. Not the thousands of people dying every day has to go through this but we can't do anything about that right now. We just have to cope. And you're doing your best with Meredith and with Owen. And no, Meredith doesn't deserve to be on a ventilator, but neither do you, Teddy."

"Okay, I know, I heard me say it out loud. That sounded bad. I—I just… I guess my problems are nothing compared to the bigger picture. I just want to feel something besides dread and guilt and shame. Living is exhausting. But I don't know how I'm going to get through this alone."

"I think you're working on the dread and the guilt and the shame. I think it's brave that you told Owen about Allison. That's a step. And the loneliness? It's hard. I know. But things will get better. Easier. But you have to let others in. You can't shut them out. You can blow up everything else. You can also reach out to your friends. They don't have to be near you physically."

Teddy nods. She knows she won't. Because why bother anyone else with her problems. There's already enough problems going on in the world.

"Circling back, what were you expecting Owen to say? When you told him about Allison" Her therapists asks.

Teddy pauses and thinks about it. She doesn't know. She didn't think about it. She just blurted it out because she thought he'd want to have a conversation about it but instead he just walked away. "I just thought he'd listen. And talk. I didn't mean to push him away."

"Were you planning on telling him?"

"Listen, all I know was I've also been thinking about why I did what I did. You know this. We've spent the last couple of weeks about this. But today I just thought.. Allison. Allison is the only thing he doesn't know. Allison…has fucked me in the head because deep inside, as much as Allison loved me deeply, she still chose someone else. And whenever there's another option besides me, that triggers me. And I just had to tell him because it's eating me alive. He had to know. I still can't comprehend my actions but I know Allison is a reason. Whether she's a crutch or she's.. a trigger. But Owen deserved to know that. I know all of Owen's demons and he should know mine too"

"You've talked to me about it plenty of times. Why was it hard for you to tell Owen?"

"Because you won't judge me or shame me."

"Owen wouldn't…."

"He just did"

She's hurt too. She's hurt about his reaction. It cuts really deep to see them make progress and tear it back down in a span of two minutes.

But she knows one thing for sure.

She loves Owen. She's in love with Owen. She's always loved Owen. And she loves her kids.

And Allison is in the past. Allison is her ghost that she needs to let rest. She needs to stop using her as an excuse for everything. An excuse for her behavior. And excuse for her life choices. An excuse for not getting into relationships. She needs to stop thinking about her and missing her and calling for her when she's sad and lonely and afraid. Because Allison is gone. Allison can't do anything for her except fuck with her head.

But that's it. She will give Owen time and space but then she will keep fighting. In the meantime she needs to figure herself out. She needs to learn to bury her ghosts.

"Teddy, he didn't. It's not over. It's a messy road ahead, but I think Owen loves you just as much. You're just both broken. You, especially. And you've spent years helping him pull himself back together that you don't even realize that you needed help too. That's why you have me, because you're finally seeing that. He doesn't see it as you working on yourself. Right now he's hurt so he's seeing it as betrayal…but he'll come around. He's just angry."

She just nods. She doesn't know what to say anymore. Her phone beeps. Another page. "I guess you have to go" her therapist says "At least I know this time you're not faking it" Teddy couldn't help but chuckle. Probably the first time in days.

"Thank you… for today."

"Same time next week. Try not to blow me off"

"I'll do my best."

She closes her laptop and goes back to the real scary world, where problems are bigger than Owen. She knows it's going to be a lot of work. But she's tough. She's gone through so much more. She'll get through this too.

She finds him in the hallway. He turns to walk away but she runs after him and grabs his arm. She knows she says she'll give him time and space but she's afraid there won't be much time to give.

"Owen" She says, grasping his arm tightly. Not caring if anyone is watching or listening. What don't they know at this point. "I know you hate me right now. And I know you really do not want to listen to what I have to say. But I have to say it because I have clarity right now. I have never loved anyone as much as I love you. I'm tired of wasting time not trying to get you to talk to me. I'm upset at myself for throwing away what we had. I can't rebuild that. I can't take that back. But I had to intubate Meredith Grey today and I can't stop thinking about how that could easily have been any of us. And I can't—if god forbid, that was either of us… I can't bear the thought of being near death and not telling you everything you needed to know about me. You know me. You know who I am. You've known me for decades. I have my triggers too and I think I was good at hiding that. And I think it spiraled out of control recently. And I love you and I'm working on me. So I want you to hang in there. And I'm begging you not to walk away. I just had to say that and now I'm going to give you space. And I'm asking you not to give up on me, not yet. And if there's anything else we can salvage, I really want us to work on that. All I know is I'm in love with you. And I'm sorry." She gives his arm a squeeze and she walks away. And she doesn't look back. And she goes to wherever she was paged.

And she's going to give him space. She's going to keep trying. But she's not going to give up.

I literally dont know why I wrote this but I was listening to this song this morning and I was like... i have to write it. lol