Warnings: substantial age gap, sibling incest
Episode 8: I Don't Want to Miss a ThingEagle Valley, Indiana, 1998 Elsa is 42 and 18, Anna is 15
Idina Menzel's "O Holy Night" was the first, albeit muffled, sound that greeted Elsa as she materialized in the dark. As the final sparks of lightning faded away, she struggled to get her bearings. Wherever she was, it was musty smelling, and there was Christmas music playing below her. Attic. I'm in an attic. She closed her eyes and counted to twenty, trying to acclimate to the darkness.
When she looked around again, she recognized the dimly lit basement with a sliver of light trickling in from the attic vent. Back at my parents' house. At least I know where the clothes are. She turned around and found a couple of trunks nestled against the wall. She opened the first one and found mostly piles of random stuff - a blanket, some silly hats. Clearly Anna's stuff. Elsa tried the second trunk and found all her blue silk gloves from when she went through a phase as a teenager. Pulling out the shelf, she dug down to find piles of her old clothing and sheepishly realized absolutely none of it would even come close to fitting her decades later.
She turned and found one of her mother's trunks, opened it, and was rewarded by a stack of mom jeans and billowy white blouses. Beats being naked, anyway, she thought as she dressed. Her next challenge was to escape the attic undetected; their family home had a pulldown staircase that unfolded from the ceiling of the second floor hallway. Opening the attic was neither quiet nor subtle. She wracked her brain for alternatives, but there was only one realistic way out of the attic.
Just as she realized she might have to wait until nightfall to sneak out, a smoke detector on the first floor went off. Elsa listened and heard multiple footfalls scrambling downstairs, and took advantage of the distraction to quickly open the attic door, jump down, and close it without slamming it. Breathing a sigh of relief, she debated where to hide next, and headed for her old room.
Only to find her younger self sitting on the bed, head buried in a textbook, a pair of simple black headphones over the exact same French braid she wore as an adult. An oversize MIT sweatshirt and plaid pajama bottoms hinted at her preference for comfort over any kind of style as she studied.
Elsa smirked and closed the door gently, then crept up behind her younger self and tapped her on the shoulder.
"Anna, not now, please. I'm trying to st- ACK!" her younger self rocketed off the bed in fright.
Elsa shushed her 18-year old self and grinned. "Hi! It's… been a while since we've seen each other. Sorry about the surprise." She sat down on the creaky spring mattress bed, nostalgia welling up inside her. "Oh wow… I miss this bed."
College student Elsa looked at her older self in confusion. "The last time I saw you was… eight years ago. What… where have you been?"
Elsa looked at herself and remembered. At 18, she was enrolled at MIT and would graduate early, in another year. She'd be in her junior year and already starting to explore quantum physics, though not to the extent she threw herself into it after Anna's death in 6 years' time.
"It's a lot to explain, Elsa, but I'll try." Over the next hour, she quietly talked through the nuts and bolts of the experiment, omitting her motivation behind it and instead diving into the science of it. Her younger self leaned forward eagerly, lapping up the story and scientific details like a cat at a bowl of cream, asking copious questions along the way. Elsa laughed at many of the questions she'd asked herself during her years of research; her younger self was just as sharp and inquisitive.
After the explanation ended, younger Elsa stared at her older doppelganger for a pregnant pause while wringing her hands together. "I uh… Elsa, can… can I ask you something? Something… sensitive?" she stuttered, cheeks and ears aflame.
"Of course," Elsa said, laying a reassuring hand on her younger self's shoulder. "You can tell me anything. I mean, I'm literally you, so it's not like it's a secret to anyone else. What is it?"
Younger Elsa sighed. "Okay… here goes. I love Anna. She's my sister, and even though she can be a pain in the butt sometimes, she's still my sister and my best friend." She took a deep, nervous breath and looked down at her hands. "But lately… lately, she's been different."
Elsa arched an eyebrow, encouraging her younger self to continue. She'd loved Anna, but hadn't ever described her as a best friend in their teenage years. The teenage years were when they really started to drift apart, especially as Anna chose more and more questionable relationships and started down the road of substance abuse. Hope continued to struggle against the jail cell she'd turned her heart into.
Her younger self continued. "Things have been getting stranger the last couple of years. Anna has been much more… clingy? That's the best way I can explain it. She's been weirdly affectionate, hugging me and stealing little kisses whenever she can. She never used to do that - I mean, she'd always follow me around and ramble, which was cute. Now though, she's doing this new stuff. Just last week she asked if we could have a sleepover in my room - in my bed! Not- not that I don't appreciate her or anything, it's just… really weird. It's almost like she's, I don't know, pretending to be like a girlfriend or something?"
Elsa nodded. "That… was not my experience with her back then either. I wonder what ch-" She froze, horrified, as all the blood drained out of her face. "Oh. Oh no. No, no, no… oh God. Elsa… I might… I might be the cause of this."
It was younger Elsa's turn to throw the inquisitive look. "What do you mean? How could you have done anything to influence this? You aren't exactly a regular around these parts, stopping by every few years."
Elsa thought back to her last visit. After Anna had left her Minidisc player behind, Elsa had taken it, sat on her favorite boulder, and poured her heart out in a recording she made on the device. She told Anna how proud she was of her, how much she loved her, how she was the driving impetus behind her career, how she thought of her every day. Looking back, she'd intended for it be the highest of sisterly devotions, but… to a young, eager teenage mind, she could see how her words could easily have been misinterpreted as romantic.
She explained as much to her younger self, who nodded in agreement. "That… would explain a lot. Anna used to use that thing sparingly but a few years ago she became inseparable from it. One time, she misplaced it for a day and I thought she was going to have a complete breakdown. I've never seen her so distraught. So… you think she might love me… like that," she said, fidgeting in her chair uncomfortably.
"I'm so sorry, Elsa. I never- please believe me, I never wanted her to think of you - of us - in that way." Elsa patted her younger self on the back and chuckled kindly. "I'll see what I can do to… um, clean up my mess."
"Don't-" younger Elsa interrupted quickly, "don't hurt her feelings. She means well and it's not like it's hurting anything, okay?" She looked down again, wringing her hands once more. "I… I like having a sister who likes me. I, uh, I don't have many friends."
"I know, Elsa. I know all too well. When I was growing up, I didn't have any friends. You're… lucky to have Anna. I didn't, not really. By this time, we… didn't get along much. And I don't want to ruin that for you, so I'll be gentle with her." Elsa stood up and moved towards the door.
"Three and one."
She turned towards her younger self, confused. "I'm sorry?"
"Three knocks, wait, then one knock. It's our code so that we know it's one of us and not Mama or Papa," younger Elsa grinned with the slightest hint of mischief turning up one of the corners of her mouth.
"Got it."
Tap, tap, tap.
Tap.
Elsa gently knocked on the door and waited. A few moments of quiet rustling, then Anna opened the door a crack, Aerosmith's love ballad playing softly in the background.
And squealed in delight.
"ELSA! I mean, Big Elsa! Oh my god, I haven't seen you in years!" she exclaimed, pulling Elsa into her room and wrapping her in a vice-like hug. "How- you haven't changed at all! You look just like you did on the field back in middle school," Anna gushed, running her hands up and down Elsa's arms.
"It's too complicated to get into the math behind it all, but from my point of view, I saw you on the fields yesterday," she smiled. "How have you been, Anna?"
Anna flopped gracelessly back onto her bed with a giggle, auburn hair spilling over the purple duvet cover. "I've been… I've been good, Elsa. Really, really good. A lot has changed since you visited me last. I- I took your advice. I started asking you - my sister, I mean, for help with stuff at school and you were right. She really did want to help me. She… she really cares about me!"
Elsa grinned. "I told you so. She loves you and cares about you, just like I do."
"Can… can I ask you some questions?" the redhead asked nervously.
"I was about to say the exact same thing. We finish each others'-"
"Sandwiches!" Anna interrupted.
Elsa tilted her head, confused. "Sandwiches? What- that makes no sense at all, where did that come from?"
"Oh, there's this kid in my class who likes to talk to me. I think he's got a crush on me or something, but Elsa - my Elsa - said he's bad news, so I don't talk to him too much. But he says weird stuff like that all the time," Anna blurted out, propping herself up against the headboard.
"Which kid?"
"Oh, maybe you remember him, Hans Westergaard."
Dark clouds swept over Elsa's features like a storm front as anger surged in her heart. Hans Westergaard was indeed bad news; Anna would get involved with him more seriously in a couple of years and get Anna not only her first arrest, but addicted to her first illegal drugs. She'd been powerless to stop him; Anna wouldn't listen to her back then.
"Yeah… listen to your sister. She's right about him. He's not going to be good news for anyone," she muttered, sitting down on the bed next to Anna. "Anyway… what were the questions you were going to ask?"
Anna grinned and pulled out a marble composition notebook from under her pillow. "So… I found the recording you left me on my Minidisc player and listened to it a few times." She watched Elsa's eyebrow arch and corrected herself, "Okay, a lot of times. I eventually wrote down everything you said because it was the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me in my entire life, and I wanted to ask about a few of the things you were talking about."
She turned the notebook a couple of pages. "When you said I was the driving impetus of your career, what did you mean by that?"
Elsa took a deep breath. This would be a significant test of whether she could change the past or not. Would telling Anna the total truth alter the past, or would the universe simply realign, leading to the same outcome in the years ahead?
"What I meant by that is…" she exhaled, a tear welling up in her eyes, "Anna, you… you died." She flinched as soon as the words came out of her mouth.
Anna gasped at the pronouncement, but didn't say anything else, just stared intently at Elsa as the seconds ticked by.
"You died twenty years ago from my point of view, from where I'm from. And… before you died, we had a fight. A big one. You and I said some pretty harsh things to each other," she choked back a sob, "and those were the last words we ever spoke to each other. You told me you hated me, that I was always trying to control your life, and I said you were an idiot who needed to grow up before you got yourself into serious trouble that Mama and Papa's money and influence couldn't get you out of. I- I'm so sorry, Anna. I was so angry, so scared of losing you that I p-pushed you away."
Anna leaned over and hugged Elsa around the shoulders. "Elsa… you haven't done that yet, at least not to me. I mean, I forgive you, I guess, but it hasn't happened yet."
Elsa completely lost control of herself, sobbing into Anna's shoulder. After a few minutes of relentless crying, she managed to catch her breath. "Anna, you- you have no idea how long I've waited to hear that, waited for a chance to ask your forgiveness."
"Twenty years, I'm guessing," Anna smiled softly, rubbing small circles into Elsa's palm. She looked down at Elsa's hand intently. "How… umm, how did I die?"
"Car accident," Elsa murmured. "You and your boyfriend were out at a Panic at the Disco concert, and on your way back home, a drunk driver in some kind of large vehicle crossed over the yellow line and crashed into you, knocking you off the road and into a tree. You…" she took a deep breath, wringing her hands tightly, "died almost immediately, thrown from the car. Your boyfriend survived. No one ever found the driver of the other vehicle - it was a hit and run."
Anna exhaled for a long moment, settling her nerves. It wasn't every day you got to hear about your own death. Once her heart stopped racing and her stomach stopped lurching, she looked down at her notebook. "Okay… you said you think of me every day?"
Elsa bit her lower lip and nodded. "Every single day, Anna. For years, it was guilt. So much guilt for pushing you away, for making you feel like you weren't good enough for me. For… for saying things to you in anger that were lies. And then once I'd gotten past it, I started thinking about time travel, about finding a way to go back in time and see you one last time. So yes, every day. That's what I meant about the impetus for my career. Finding a way to see you one last time, to apologize, to make things right. I- I didn't know I'd get more than one chance."
"I think about you every day too, Elsa. Like, not in the same way as you, obviously, because you're way smarter than me and I haven't even taken physics in school, and you're literally making new physics every day, and changing the rules of science, and I can't do any of that. I mean, what is time anyway? Is it just our imagination? Can I go back in time and accidentally kill myself? Could-"
Elsa grabbed her sister's hands to interrupt her rambling. "Anna! Slow down. There's a lot coming out all at once," she grinned, amused. Some things never change. "Now, what were you saying about thinking about me every day?"
A vivid blush overtook Anna's cheeks and ears. "I, uh, I- um- IthinkIfellinlovewithyouinsixthgradelisteningtoyou," she blurted.
"Say that again - at maybe half speed?"
"Elsa! This is so- so… embarrassing! Okay, listen, do you promise not to laugh at me? I… I think… I fell in love with you in sixth grade, listening to you. The recording you left me on my Minidisc player, remember? I… I've never heard someone speak to me with so much love for me like you did, not even Mama and Papa. You told me so much about how wonderful you thought I was, how kind, how beautiful I was… how could I not be in love with you?"
Anna got up from the bed and started to slowly pace. "I listened to you every morning when I got up, every night when I went to bed. I fell in love with you so hard because you are this amazing, smart, sexy, brilliant scientist who bent the laws of reality just to come see me, a kid!" She turned to face her sister's elder doppleganger. "You're everything to me, Elsa, everything good I could ever want in life. You- you're my love."
Time stood still for Elsa. Anna didn't just have a normal teenage crush on her. She had fallen for Elsa, heart and soul. Oh, boy. Well, if there were ever proof that the past can be changed, this is certainly it, she thought grimly. How do I fix this? How do I not break her heart?
She recalled her memories of the Anna she grew up with in this time period. At 15, Anna was sneaking out at nights, hanging out with an unruly group of teenagers. She'd come home smelling like cheap beer and cigarettes; once, Elsa had confronted her and Anna had drunkenly slapped her across the face after screaming that Elsa had no idea what it was like to not be popular or accepted because Anna wasn't a genius like her older sister. Almost 30 years later, Elsa could still feel the sting of that slap.
This Anna was nothing like the one she'd grown up with. She shook with nervousness, her thoughts roiling. How could she let her down easily, avoid ruining the relationship between them? "Anna, that's… that's so sweet of you. It really is. And yes, I do love you- as my sister. Seeing you alive again has been the greatest experience I could have ever asked for, and every moment with you is a treasure to me. But you… you can't be in love with me like that… romantically."
Anna's face fell immediately. "But- but why not? You're perfect, you're- you're not really the same person as my sister. You're- you're older! You're from a different time and place!" Tears welled up in her eyes. "Are… are you not single? Is there already someone in your life?"
Elsa weighed her answer. It would be so easy to tell her a lie, to say yes, to let her down easy, but the guilt of lying to Anna about anything when she could vanish at any second was overwhelming. I couldn't bear it if my last words to her are a lie… again. "N-no. No, Anna, there's no one like that in my life."
"So why can't it be me, then?" she pleaded.
"Because we're sisters! We're flesh and blood sisters and any kind of- of- romantic entanglement would be just… wrong, Anna! That and I'm almost 30 years older than you," she nearly shouted, folding her arms around her middle. Her stomach sank, churning with fear. How could she navigate this?
"I don't care that we're sisters. I know what I feel, Elsa - true love."
"Anna, what do you know about true love?" she asked softly, looking down at the floor.
Anna's smile didn't reach her eyes. "More than you think, Elsa. I know what it means to have someone cross the universe, cross time itself for you. I know what it means to have someone looking after you like a guardian angel, maybe not there often, but always there when it matters most. I know what it feels like to have someone tell you they love you every single day, over and over, and mean it."
She sat back down on the bed next to Elsa, who succeeded in not flinching at her proximity. "Most of all, I now know what it means to have someone literally cheat death for you. I love you, Elsa. I am in love with you, and I am not ashamed to say that. I don't care that you're my sister or that you're almost three times my age. All I care about is that you've dedicated your life to me. That's true love."
Elsa struggled to maintain her composure. Anna wasn't wrong. She'd dedicated every waking moment for 20 years to seeing her again, and now that she knew the past could be changed, she'd dedicate whatever else it took, however long it took, to save Anna from her fate. Did that mean she loved her in any other way than a sister would?
She looked up to see Anna's patient stare, waiting for her to speak. Elsa cleared her throat. "I… don't disagree with what you've said. I- yes, I have dedicated a lifetime to being able to see you one more time, to make amends for what I said. But I… I can't say it's romantic love."
"Why not, Elsa?" she begged.
Elsa hung her head. "All… all I know is how to shut people out, Anna. I- I've never been married. I've never even been in a serious relationship. I shut people out for a decade after your death from guilt, and I shut people out for another decade, focusing only on my research. Only on a way to get back to you."
Anna cupped her sister's cheek gently. "You don't know what true love feels like."
The blonde shook her head wordlessly. "I- I'm afraid not."
"But you're living it every day, Elsa. What you did for me is true love." Anna said this with the boldness of youth, her eyes burning with conviction.
Elsa stared down at her hands, feeling a familiar tingling beginning. "Oh no. Anna - I don't have much time. I'm being pulled back."
"Take me with you," Anna breathed, hugging Elsa close.
"No! Anna, I can't. I don't know what the consequences would be of you just vanishing, but they could be severe. Maybe even life-ending. Please, you have to let me go," she begged, pushing at her sister's arms. The sparks grew brighter and bigger, beginning to walk up and down her limbs.
Anna nodded sadly. "All right. I- I trust you. I believe you. Come back to me, Elsa." Before Elsa could react, Anna cupped her sister's chin with her palm and firmly kissed her. "Come back to me."
Elsa's eyes bulged at the boldness of the act, and just as she was about to scold Anna, she vanished, leaving Iduna's clothes on the floor.
Anna swooned at the memory of Elsa's soft lips, gathered up the clothes and folded them, and sat for a long moment inhaling the scent, the trace of her. A wry smile appeared on her lips as she settled on something in her heart, then opened the door to her room. She wandered down the hall and knocked on her sister's door.
"Hey Elsa… can we talk?"
Author's Notes
15-year old Anna has indeed fallen head over heels for the 42 year old Elsa, and as the responsible adult, Elsa has done exactly the right thing - but there will be consequences. In her time travels, Elsa has set in motion something she never planned for, and now we've reached the Elsanna part of our journey.
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